Still hating George

It's been a week since my last post. A lot has happened since then. Not too terrible, and trying to keep a good perspective of it so I can climb out of my funk. Things at school for Penelope have been uneventful - a good thing. She is doing well in her classes. She might sneak out of 4th quarter with 2 As!!! no Fs!!! and maybe no Ds!! Whatever it is, she has made a huge improvement in effort and grades since the last two quarters. I'm not sure of her social situation at school. She is still at that age where she isn't that good at being a strategic liar. She will have some simple lies that are hard to read but planned out or long term lies either stink from the moment they leave her mouth or shortly their after. She paints this social scene for herself, that she has this boyfriend (for probably 2 months now), but she hardly ever talks about him and when I drop her off in front of school where the kids are waiting to go inside, he doesn't make a point to notice her or vice versa. I ask, but she says that he is with his friends and she told him not to tell his friends.. .right. But nothing has come of it. She has one friend that I have evidence they are friends. They eat lunch and go to recess with another girl. She says she is friends with two girls that she used to be friends with before she ruined those friendships with some of her anti-social behaviors. But when she calls them, they blow her off. She doesn't seem to care of mind. She also doesn't seem to make a point to take the hint. She either truely doesn't pick up on it or doesn't care.
We went to therapy on Thursday. We talked about how Penelope is doing well with her door being shut with an alarm on it. She is very sleepy in the morning and has gone back to trying not take her pills "playing" like she is going to throw them or crush them. But I also brought up an issue that has been escalating over time. Just always seemed like more important things to focus on instead in our hour. Penelope inappropriateness when it comes to masterbating in front of me as well as her shaking her newly developing breasts at me or in front of me. She doesn't want to wear a bra and doesn't care if her breasts show through her clothes. I think she does it at school, not that they have said anything - but she will do this excited fast shake of her body to get them moving but acting like she is just excited. I tell her to knock it off and she does, but she continues to do it again. We talked about all those things and was given advice on how to respond to her behavior. Just to tell her those things are meant to be private, in her own room. But she did discuss with Penelope the bra situation. So we will see.
All relatively minor issues compared to what has happened with her threatening to kill me. But all in the same, I have seen her redirect her defenses into this other approach and it becoming more frequent.
The other thing that was discussed while Penelope was in another room having "Brain Training" was the conversation her one therapist had with George's therapist. I told her what George told me that his therapist had said after the phone conversation - that she still thinks it would benefit Penelope to see her dad. That she will get use to it over time. But he was very evasive and sounded somewhat defeated or non-committal about what he was saying. I stopped asking for him to elaborate and just told him that I would find out when I see Penelope's therapist on Thursday. She told me that she explained the unhealthy relationship Penelope and George have and how George's parenting (what he did) that made unhealthy. She said the therapist somewhat rebuffed by telling her George's version of why Penelope is with me...
That I am lonely and wanted my own child but since I don't have my own (because I can't get a guy in order to have my own family) that I took his daughter and won't give her up because she is all I have.
She told the therapist that this was not the case. That I would prefer Penelope to be with one of her parents, if it was healthy for Penelope. Also, that the family supports Penelope being with me 100%. This is very true. And I have told Penelope such. I have told her that I know she wishes she lived with her father and her mother if they were different. That was her ideal situation. And I wish that her ideal situation was true because I want her to have what she wants. But it's not best for her and I am very glad to be the one who gets to have her since the ideal situation isn't possible. And she understands that. This was a conversation I had with her when she was trying to run away to her dad's, or would pick fights with me than say "My daddy will come and beat you up and break your bones!" Stuff like that.
But regardless, him painting this picture to this therapist - and I'm sure not the only person out there he has said it to since is M.O. is to tell people his "I'm the victim" story - really hurt me. It took a few days to really allow my anger to subside about it. I still can't talk about it with my parents without getting really upset and emotional about it. The thing is, I had a very good life before I agreed to take on Penelope. I dated, I had friends, I had somewhat busy social life. My social life was intertwined with my work life - happy hours, friends, long hours to climb that career ladder. Had nice things, got pedi/manis, highlights, Coach purses, nice cars. Wore makeup, took showers more than every other or 3rd day... So, it's more the opposite. I am lonely now! Like this was the life I wanted for myself! He is such an asshole.
With all this said, I definitly am not trying to do the "I'm the victim" thing that he is doing. I know I have choices. I could choose to pack up her stuff and take her and her things to his house and drop her off. But it's not a choice I could live with or want to do. I want to help her and continue to help her. Even with everything I know, I would still have made the choice to take her in. Because I love her and I want to give her a chance at a normal life. She once asked me "If I was still living with daddy, would I be fatter?" It kinda came out of no where, and it was an odd question. But as background, her dad is a really really big guy - 6'4" weighing over 500 lbs. Penelope's weight has fluctuated from being either too thin or overweight. Due to her medication. She is currently overweight. It took me a bit to answer her question as I thought about the posibilities. I know she is overweight because of her medication but she also loves to eat crap. I make her eat healthy food but allow for unhealthy food here and there so she doesn't feel deprived and become obsessed. At a point there she was stealing money and buying to lunches a day at school regardless if I packed her lunch or not. Anyway, her father eats horribly. She grew up on fast food and gas station food. So my initial answer was "yes." But then I thought about how she would have been with her dad if he still had her. She wouldn't be on the medication she is on because he wouldn't have gotten the help she needed, so "no." But then she probably would have ended up killing herself. They would have been back with his second wife, being abused by her, being ignored by dad, and eventually taking things into her own hands. I told her that I didn't think she would still be around if she was with her dad. I didn't tell her my rationale but she seemed to understand. I told her "So the answer is 'no, I don't think you would be fatter - or heavier or whatever you want to call it.'" But my point is, if I hadn't had taken her, she could be dead right now. I try not to find reason why my life has made such a dramatic change, just trying to deal with it. Do the best the I can do for her and eventually myself. Is this what I wanted? No. But I've learned a lot from the expierence so hopefully I will become a better person in the end?
I hate George, always will most likely. Do I feel sorry for him? No. Do I wish him harm? No. Sometimes, but I get over it. Do I think he knew what he was saying and how it would make me feel if I found out? No. I don't have a high enough opinion of his intelligence. I think he just simply wants to play the victim and have someone who is a professional in mental health tell him what he wants to here. Like I told my mom, I'm not surprised he painted a false picture for this therapist about his life and how it relates to Penelope. He's always been good at doing that kind of thing to the rest of the world. But I didn't think far enough ahead to see that he would say those things about me.
But the thing that I think about that reminds me it's not that big of a deal, is that I have never done any of this for him. The things, the MANY things, I have done for him, I don't really do it for him. I do it for Penelope and my parents. But in the end, he always benefits from them. But he has never appreciated it. If anything, he feels he is entitled to it. We are his family and we are suppose to take care of him when people have wronged him and put him in a bad place. Everybody has their limit though. Heck, I told my parents long before Penelope was even an idea in someone's eye, that when they are gone, George is on his own. I am not going to take care of him. So he better figure out how to take care of himself or it's going to suck for him. So my issues with George have been around pre-Penelope. It's not about her at all, it's about him and who he is and what he does.
On a brighter note, Friday night, Penelope went across the street to play with a little girl she claims told her to come over at the particular time. She wasn't home so Penelope played with the boys that lived in a different house. Something happened between Penelope and these boys and Penelope got mad. She found a piece of broken glass and used it to put scratches on the side of my car including a mispelled version of the name of the boy she was mad at. She concocted this whole story how they were after her and were going to hurt her bike.. and maybe my car. We brought her bike in the house instead of leaving it in the garage. But I knew something was up but not sure what. Not until the next day she was insisting I go look at the car to see if they did anything to it. It was obvious she did it and she eventually admitted to it. Lovely huh?