No sleep

So, as I stated in my last post, Penelope told me Sunday night that she has been dreaming and thinking about stabbing me with a knife to death. Today is Wednesday. I don't sleep well anyway, but I have barricaded myself in my room at night the last two nights in order to get some amount of sleep. She has been acting like she never said anything. Not that her behavior or attitude is the same as it was before Sunday. Her happiness seems forced and fake. When I picked her up from the tutoring program yesterday, they were all walking back from the school's playground. She was acting like she was upset because she claimed some boys were mean to her. I think it was an attempt for sympathy. I asked her if her homework was done. She said "No" and gave me a list of 3 things she still had to do. I asked her why she was at the playground then? She knew the rules about homework being done before playtime. But I've also told this to the Program Director - which is their rule too but that Penelope will manipulate in order to do what she wants. I almost think they are burnt out themselves and are wanting to take the kids to the playground. I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I've had problems throughout the year with the program. And once again, just like in other situations, I'm wondering if it's them or Penelope is too much for them.
But yesterday, I confronted Penelope about what she said and drew on Sunday as well as her attitude since then. I told her that she needs to look at how she is doing and her effort and figure out what she wants. Does she want to work hard and be happy or does she want to make poor decisions to cope with whatever problem she is trying to deal with. I started by telling her that not using the resource of the tutoring program to help her with her homework was a poor decision and now, if she wants to do her homework tonight, she won't have any help. (Since I can't help her.) I also said that her killing me isn't going to solve any of her problems and it's the wrong way to deal with whatever problem she thinks it will solve. I didn't ask her again what the problem was. I really don't know. I know she has been missing her dad a lot but I've already told her that if she killed me or threatened to kill me - that the last place she'd end up going to is her dad's. That may or may not be true. If I were to give up on her, she probably would end up going back with her dad. No one else in the family would be willing to go through what I've gone through. They see the shambles I've become. Which I have so much guilt over because I'm sure that is a big reason why she is getting sicker.
But, she heard my words. I said she has been acting like it never happened. She said she is trying to forget it. I told her that it is pretty significant and she did say it. That's where she needs to make a decision about what she really wants. I also told her I am going to be putting an alarm on her door. I know she doesn't like her door shut but she will feel safer with it eventually and that is the main point. She has been starting to say over the past few weeks that she is scared Harriet is going to come and either kill or or kidnap her. But obviously I want to feel some level of safety as well. I still don't think I'll sleep well - to think your child who you have fought for, given up your personal goals, career, sanity for, who you love more than anything - wants to kill you.