Info Packet for Teachers

I finally finished the packet of info for Penelope's teachers. I try to give them as much information as I can about how to help her, and themselves with Penelope. I tend to be wordy but I wanted to cover everything.

Besides what's below, I also attached articles from www.attachment.org - the "Letter for Teachers", "Homework" and "Consequences."

This one is a commentary to follow up with the "Homework article"


Homework and Home
Before I knew about her illness and the damage it was causing Penelope to push push push her to do her homework, we would spend sometimes all evening working on homework. There were little to zero opportunities for her to learn to attach to me as her mother. I thought that it was my responsibility as her parent to ensure she was completing her work and getting good grades. I figured the reason she fought me so much was simply because she was academically behind and it was hard for her to try to catch up.
But once I became more educated on her illness and therapeutic parenting methods and implemented the approach described above, there was significant improvement in both behavior and grades. She started caring about her grades and getting her homework done. Not that she didn’t and won’t have moments of weakness and try to get away with not having her work correct and completed. But now it’s an internal battle, like other kids. In fact, when she would say "I don’t want to do my homework!" I’d say "You don’t have to, but then I’d hate too see how bad you will feel tomorrow when you get that bad grade. It’s up to you, it won’t affect me any." Because my love is unconditional and she needs to know that. But unlike most other kids, her boundaries for cheating and lying to have the work completed are still something she struggles with.
From her standpoint, I really don’t "care" about how well she does in school other than I want her to be happy and success in school will help her there. But behind the scenes, I am always looking to see how she is doing via Progress Book, communicating about areas of her behavior, and trying to catch and head off attempts at manipulation or triangulating.
Lastly, because of what has been written above, I do not and will not discipline or lecture Penelope for behaviors at school. There may be some consequences that overlap to home such as learning a non-academic skill at home because she isn’t healthy/strong enough to go to school. But when it comes to grades, poor behaviors at school, those consequences have to come from school. Because I can’t be there to enforce the rules, I can’t be the disciplinarian related to them. I can tell her to do something, or stop doing something until I’m blue in the face but because I’m not there it’s just Penelope using school as a wedge between us. I know this can be frustrating from your standpoint, but let me explain. The consequences have to be related to the behavior for her to learn from it. If I lecture her or implement a punishment at home, it will not end the behavior and only be counter-productive to the healing at home. I know because I used to do these things before I knew better and I’ve seen what happens. I have to have an indifferent opinion about school.


Then this is specific Penelope stuff.

PENELOPE IN THE CLASSROOM

One of the positives about working with Penelope is that she wants to do well and for the most part willing to communicate what is going on with her. With that though, there are a lot of "coping" techniques that she has adopted that are counter-productive. But for most of them there are ways to combat them.
Also, I do want to say, anything I have here is to help you prevent Penelope from acting out in your class. Please don’t feel like I’m trying to tell you how to do your job or I know more on how to handle kids. I have done a great deal of research on the methods that work for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and I’ve seen them work. I just want to give you any resources and tools to make both your life as well as Penelope’s easier. Not that her mental health progress is your responsibility, everything that happens to her in her day affects that, and what is good for her in school helps her mental health as well. Providing her the structure at school will provide her with the sense of safety that she needs in order to make good decisions in the classroom and at home which in turn will help her become a stronger person.
BEHAVIORS –
Hypervigilent/Hyperactive – anxiety, feeling unsafe. There isn’t much that can be done other than giving her time to calm herself down when it gets in the way of her ability to function in class. Sometimes she can tell you what has her so anxious but depending on the environment, her hypervigilence is just part of who she is. It is something she has been working on and I will say has improved a great deal.
"Baby voice" – much younger sounding including her word choice – makes her feel safer, sometimes due to how people respond to it in a nurturing way. However, it can also be a means to manipulate and control even though it only draws negative attention. She feels safer when she uses her baby voice but I usually can get her to snap out of it for a period of time by saying "Please use your Penelope voice." Or "Please use your 13 year old voice."
Lying – means to manipulate to determine if you are weak (ie. Is she safe with you). If you can call her out on a lie, do so. Part of this is a test to see if you are smart or not. Because of her excessive lying (that comes and goes) you have to verify everything. If you ask her to do something, it’s best to have her show you she completed it or check her and you are the person (boss) who determines it is done. When you catch her in a lie, the best way to react is to not be upset by it and almost like it’s funny that she thinks she can get away with such a thing. "Now come on Penelope. I know you didn’t do it. Too bad your decision to lie means you can’t….. I can only have students who are honest get to do that. I wish you thought that through." A great example of a learning opportunity based on natural consequences who be when Penelope told a teacher that she had almost all of her Reading packet done way before the deadline, when in fact she hadn’t started it and left herself only a little bit of time to complete it. Her teacher had commented in an email that Penelope said her packet was done. I knew better. So I emailed the teacher, who had been struggling with her for 3 quarters, and told her to see if she can get another teacher to help by going along with this. She was taking the teacher with her and said "I was telling Mrs. ___ how you ALREADY have your packet done. She was so impressed! Can you show it to us so we can see it?" She first acted like she couldn’t find it but then admitted she hadn’t started it yet. Then the teacher said "I see. Good to know." Having the other teacher there to gloat on them for something she actually didn’t do was very embarrassing. But she handled it and it was the last time she didn’t have that packet done. It was a natural consequence with no lecturing or getting mad about it. Just insightful. Another trick, which may sound mean but for her, it’s about calling her out, is that when she lies, act like you are keeping a tally of her lies and you figured she was going to get as much as 10 today. This will not make her happy but as long as you know that she is lying, she will learn her lesson.
Story telling/taking up a teachers time to be manipulative and "charming" – this can definitely be categorized this with lying. Penelope also likes to test her boundaries to determine how much latitude she has and what she can get away with. She doesn’t have the same filters/boundaries most kids have. Not that all her stories are lies, sometimes some funny or noteworthy things happen in her life that she wants to share but she will want to share them at inappropriate times. She may or may not do this because of prior efforts to deter this behavior but if she does I suggest that you take this approach "That is really interesting and I really want to hear the rest but I don’t have time right now. Can you write it down? That way I can read it later. Thanks!" She has become a better writer so she may or may not write it down but if she does, it must have been important to her that you know and a good writing exercise or, she just won’t because it wasn’t that important. She usually doesn’t and it stops the impromptu storytelling/lying.
Stealing – having things makes her feel more powerful and in control. Safer. She stole a lot of things last year. She always claims she finds them. She knows she is to take them to lost and found if that’s the case. I don’t have a solution for this other than when she is not feeling the need to be the boss, she also doesn’t have this need to fill an bottomless emptiness she has. When she is strong, stealing isn’t an issue. I see stealing as a sign of a bigger problem for Penelope. Consequences are key with this.
Self-harm - Self-harm techniques are not about punishing oneself or suicide but the release of endorphins, our body’s natural painkiller, that are soothing and are a physical response to physical pain that doesn’t happen for emotional pain. Even though some of this can be alarming, please don’t get too alarmed, as it’s not a suicide attempt. It is serious though and I need to be notified for anything worse then picking at her skin. Depending on the severity of her self-harm techniques, she may need time to self-regulate her emotions and/or sent home.
Picking on her skin – anxiety, nervous tick; She will pick at her arms and legs until they bleed and want to go get a Band-Aid from the nurse’s office. She will use this as a way to get out of class as well. Limit her Band-Aids and let her know that’s all she gets. Also try to implement natural consequences to this behavior like sitting on her hands and if it gets out of hand, she will have to wear pants and long sleeve shirts.
She has done worse like cutting lines on her legs with the blade of a scissors in school. (She has not done this at home.) However, this type of behavior is again, a coping mechanism but not acceptable. She will need to see Mrs. Smith to process her emotions. Hopefully she will not do this again as she is learning to try to use acceptable coping skills that are not harmful. But as a precaution, she does not have scissors this year and will have to borrow a pair from the teacher in order to complete any tasks required. If need be, I can bring you a pair. We do have them.
Pulling out hair – this is a new development. She usually pulls on the hair around her face/forehead. She does this when she is getting upset and even sometimes when she is having a flashback. She needs to see Mrs. Smith if this occurs as well.
Tardiness - Tardiness or late for school should result in the pre-set disciplinary policy. Being lenient sends inconsistent messages and makes the rule fuzzy. If she isn’t held accountable as laid out in the handbook, then she will adopt the mentality that the behavior is permitted – because it is. Then she will test being late for class to see if that is permitted as well.
Manipulation – This comes in so many forms, even ones previously discussed. Penelope is immature and with that has come a sense of entitlement as well as learned helplessness. Her issues with entitlement in school tend to be feeling entitled to have the same freedoms and privileges the most free and privilege student has and that these things do not need to be earned. She can adopt a victim role when beneficial to her. Taking accountability can be a huge struggle for her. She is also very good at demonstrating helplessness and has conned very smart and educated people into thinking that she is only able to perform academically at low levels. She knows how and will manipulate test scores so that less is asked of her. To counter this is to stand strong with your expectations of her, that you KNOW she is smart, and you have SEEN her put out more effort to do well.
TIPS –
It’s all in the delivery of the message. Absolutely NO anger. Showing anger in any form to her shows that you are not trustworthy/safe because you can’t handle her. Indifferent and calm is the best. Taking an attitude that you’ve seen it before and can handle it demonstrates that she does not need to test you and you are reliable. If possible, empathy in delivering consequences helps demonstrate that the consequences are not you dishing out punishments but a result of her own behavior and that you are on her side in making good choices and have faith that she can do it.
No lecturing – just consequences. Penelope is a smart kid. She knows the rules. All her teachers lay out the rules at the beginning of the school year. This is her third year in the Middle School. She KNOWS the rules. She has a tendency to follow the rules as long as it's convenient for her. This is an issue of control for her. But what is important is that for Penelope getting you to lecture her is a means of attention and essentially control. She doesn’t need to be reminded of the rule because she is already aware of the rule and it helps her get you to feed into the idea that she is less knowledgeable and smart than she actually is. Lecturing also opens up the idea that the issue is up for negotiations. "But I forgot!" If she actually did, then she won’t again because of the consequences. AND she may be more attention so she doesn’t miss anything and have to deal with another consequence.
Under the same issue, where she tries to engage in a discussion about a broken rule/consequence is when she asks "Why?" She broke a rule, you implement a consequence without lecture. "But why?" she asks – or any other method to provoke you to explain yourself "I only did it once…" as if you are being harsh. Never engage in this provoking. When she asks "Why?" either ignore or respond with a question "What did you do?" "Why did you think?" If she gives you a provoking – not taking accountability answer like "Because you don’t like me" then say something like "I think it’s important that you know the right answer to your question. If you can’t tell me the right answer, I want you to write me a list of what you think it could be during recess."
Setting expectations in advance of an upcoming change or project for her gives her the time to process any negative feelings she feels towards the task. Telling her "Okay, now you need to do…" typically causes anxiety and makes it harder for her to focus on the next task. If it’s known in advance that in 15, 10, 5 minutes she is expected to do something else, she is mentally more prepared and has the ability to focus better.
The only exception is if there is something significant that is going to happen that is either going to elicit a strong negative or positive response, it’s best she doesn’t know until right before. If she knows any sooner, you have lost her focus until after it happens as the suspense of waiting uses up all her energy. She needs to be more disciplined then this and I believe it’s about her immaturity but in order to fully function when you need her to I recommend holding off with the information.
"Promises" Penelope sees things rather black or white. Promises don’t actually have to be "I promise to…" It’s a statement you have made to her about something that is going to happen. And sticking to promises helps build a positive and trusting relationship with her. Not keeping promises for Penelope means you don’t care enough about her to keep your promise, are not trustworthy and in turn are not safe. This is a high standard she expects us all to live by, but understanding that her brain demands this high standard of the people around her is directly due to the fact that in her infancy and early childhood, no promises were kept. So, even though we are all trustworthy and shouldn’t have to be tested, she requires patience and commitment from us to help her be successful in and out of school. Examples of promises:
If you make a statement like "I will be there at 1pm," you must be there or you have lied to her. This one consciously touches her abandonment issues beyond just when she was truly abandoned, but when her parents would be 1 – 24 hours late picking her up from being babysat. What I have recommended to people on this issue is set the expectation low (like 1:30 and be there at 1:00) or just show up. That way if you are not sure you can make it or when, she isn’t there watching the clock waiting.
"If you do this, you won’t get this." A clear example would be around the time in 5th grade when Penelope had decided to REALLY push boundaries and was roaming the halls instead of going to homework check at the end of the day, and then going to the nurse’s office instead of to her next class significantly alarming her teachers to her whereabouts. There were two field trips coming up and her English Teacher told her that if she wasn’t where she is suppose to be one more time, she couldn’t go on the field trips because she can’t trust her to stay safe. That afternoon, Penelope was unaccounted for because she left Chess Club for 45 minutes to go to the library and call her Dad to come get her (BIG no no) because Chess Club was cancelled (it wasn’t). Her teacher, understandably, wanted to give her a second chance because she would be missing out on a great field trip. The problem is, this would be breaking the promise the teacher made. Not that I think she said anything wrong! Actually it was a great opportunity for the teacher to show Penelope her trustworthiness and I believe the event had a direct impact on Penelope’s improvement in grades and behavior. Anyway, Penelope had to sit in Mr. Barre’s office all day while the kids went on the field trip. It wasn’t an in-school suspension or a punishment. There was no where else for her to be since all the teachers were on the field trip too. It was to keep her safe. It was a consequence. The consequence for leaving Chess Club early was that she lost the privilege of being in Chess Club because she isn’t responsible enough yet.
Consequences ARE HUGE for Penelope’s ability to have a feeling of safe. She has to feel safe in order to function well in school and elsewhere. Penelope still struggles but is learning cause and effect. This is not an intellectual issue for her, but a product of her experiences of abuse. That is why punishments and general reward systems do not work for her. Natural consequences work best for her to learn to make good decisions. Sometimes we have to implement a consequence to aid this process but it’s not a true consequence unless it’s related to the poor decision. The article attached goes into great detail about Consequences. I do want to explain one item it says. Under a short list of consequences, it lists "Extra chores for restitution (scrub toilets, shovel snow)." Nancy Thomas isn’t just stating that for home, but also school. There might be some liability issue that would prevent these from happening, but she has a school use scrubbing toilets and shoveling snow as a consequence for a couple kids she was helping. I believe the student vandalized the school someway. But the concept is this, if Penelope’s poor decisions require someone’s time and/or money in order to fix a problem, then Penelope should have to pay restitution for the time and/or money. "Because I had to look all over for you when you decided not to report to class, I didn’t get to ….. so you will have to do …. for me." Restitution for money should equal twice the cost – once for replacement and second for the inconvenience.
Useful terms/phrases :
"Strong" instead of healthy. Strength touches an important part of kids RAD because their need for control has them think they know more and can do things better than anyone else. They fundamentally believe no one can take care of them better than they can. They are stronger than anyone else and try to demonstrate that through manipulation and testing your commitment. So things like "I see you getting stronger" or "I see you are not strong today."
Thanking her for showing you what she needs. "Thank you for letting me know you are not strong enough to get to….. by not following direction. Hopefully you will get to next time." This reinforces the message of accountability. Plus thanking someone for doing something wrong is attention getting and a great way to get the message through. More direct methods actually are counterproductive.
"I see…." This is talked about in the consequence’s article.
Her mantras: "I am the boss of my own behavior." And "I’m not the boss, that’s okay. Mom will take care of me." Boss is a concept she gets well due to her constant internal and sometimes external battle for control. And when at school, her teachers are the boss and sometimes she needs to be reminded of that. ANY boss like behavior should not be tolerated, because once she crosses that bridge, it can take a while to bring her back.

Soup Kitchen

Here is a description of Soup Kitchen. Marythemom requested a description and I'd be more than happy to do that. It's something that Penelope's Attachment Therapists had shared with me not too long after Penelope started AT. I know it can be controversial and I didn't like the idea when I first heard about it, but I'm telling you, it works!
Here is the concept. A child's job is to be a contributing part of the family. Their contributions are to listen and be pleasant to be around, do chores, and to learn by going to school. Effort. As a child, essentially they are "working" for the family. Family being "The Co." As an employee, of The Co. you must do your job or you will get fired. If you get fired, you won't have any money to buy food. If you don't have money to buy food, where will you get food at? The Soup Kitchen.
So, if Penelope stops working hard at her job, she gets fired and will be on Soup Kitchen until she demonstrates she is a contributing part of the family. She is not kicked out of the family by any means, but will not get the same priviledges as the rest of the family by getting to eat regular food.
She has to eat Soup for breakfast, lunch and dinner until she demonstrates she is working hard again. She can eat as much soup as she wants whenever she wants it. It's not about starving her at all. You do it with love and understanding that it's hard to give up being the boss, but when you grow up, and try to be the boss, you will probably lose your job and then what? Better to learn that less now while she is young. It's very important in these kids.
It's all about being the boss, trying to be in control and feeding into entitlement or victim issues, learned helplessness and overall the child's self-fullfilling prophecies that they can't do anything and won't become somebody.
Even though Penelope struggles at doing all that she is suppose to do to get off Soup Kitchen, having already let go some of the control has made her more agreeable, fun to be around, able to deal with stressors a lot better, and just overall happier.
The issue I'm running in to is that there is too much TV watching in this house and she struggles with that thing a lot of kids do - gets hooked on watching TV and doesn't want to do anything else. But we have lots of soup. We will see. She has stopped trying to hold herself hostage as an ultimatum, she just needs to find that inner strength to get it done. It's there, it's just below the surface. It will happen soon.

School and Court

First, let me write quickly (yeah right, me?) about how Soup Kitchen and having her toys locked up and having her own bedroom are going. Friday she started to really feel the pain and begged a bit for regular food. We talked about what it will take to get off of Soup Kitchen. She admitted to having hid food in her closet to supplement her soup meals. But it had run out and now she is really hungry. Too bad. But this was after finding her hiding in my room/office. The window steps out onto a roof. The cats had figured out how to knock the screen out and I found them one morning when we had turned the A/C off, walking around on the roof. Penelope said she was planning on going out onto the roof.... to think.. then relized she may fall off of the roof. I am not sure what she had going on in her mind. We fixed the screen and window so this is not an option.
Saturday, it came to a head. Penelope only had a little bit of soup for breakfast and lunch and after an entire day of doing nothing but play by herself and avoid the family or do any of her responsibilities, she felt sick to her stomach. When I got home from work, she didn't come out of her hole to greet me like she ALWAYS does. I made a point to not seek her out. I knew something was up. I had already received the report from the grandparents. Finally she poked her head out but because she wanted me to come to her room. She looked ill laying in her bed. She was "starving to death" she said. I asked her "Why are you starving?? There are lots of cans of soup downstairs. You can have as much soup as you want." She said she just can't eat soup anymore because it makes her stomach hurt. She can't eat Tomato Soup without grilled cheese. It makes her sick. And the chicken noodle soup is getting old. She had some for breakfast and she cramped really badly. She just wants to eat regular food now. She doesn't want to be on soup kitchen! She started crying. I hugged her and told her that I can see how hard it is for her to let go of being the boss. I know she knows how to get off Soup Kitchen, she just needs to let go and do it. She said "I know I'm not the boss! You are the boss! 'I'm not the boss. That's okay. Mom will take care of me.' See I said it! I will do my chores! I will read! I'm just too weak to do them now! Pleeeease!" Ugh. I hate it. But I know I have to stick to my guns. All three of her therapists are on board with it.


Shortly later, Penelope's true boss demon poked his head out and at one point she decided she wasn't going to eat any more soup and if I don't give her regular food she was going to starve to death and it will be all my fault! I just gave her alot of calm empathy. Then she made a declaration "I'm going to bed early and waking up early before anyone else and I will eat as much of anything as I want!" I didn't tell her she couldn't but rather that I don't look forward to seeing how disappointed she will be in herself for breaking the rules and having to deal with the consequences. I told her to come to me. She didn't want to but did reluctantly after some persuastion. I hugged her and told her I love her. It helped a little but she was still pretty tense and not wanting to be hugged even though I could tell it was a big dent in her armor. She went into the kitchen and plopped down at the counter in front of the fruit bowl. She plucked a banana out of it and held it like "Yep I took it and I plan on eating it so what are you going to do about it?" She even said "I'm going to eat this banana" but didn't try to open it or anything. I said something similar as before "I'd hate to see you all dissapointed..." She put it down.


I offered to read to her some more out of a book I've been reading to her at night. She accepted it and we went upstairs to get her ready for bed. She was still too upset to have me read to her. She again demanded regular food. I again told her how hard I know this is and I wish it wasn't so. She finally said "I'll eat anything! I'm so hungry!" I said "Anything??" She said "Yeah..." I said "Chicken Noodle this time?" She said "Yeah..." I brought it up to her in her room and read to her while she ate her soup. Poor kid.


Sunday she slept in. She has been sleeping longer since she has had her own room. She has been sleeping a lot better with me not in there and the alarms on the door and window. I'm glad. It's worth the camping feeling I get when I go to my bed. But it was her and I most of the day. Grandma played a game she had promised to play with her on Saturday and didn't. It was one of the complaints that came out in her fit of rage the night before - Grandma's unkept promise. Then my parents went to play golf. I had decided, once they left, we would have lunch then start a new routine of Penelope keeping a book of a daily schedule that she layed out either the night before or the morning of. That schedule is to include Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner, cleaning the litter boxes, picking up her room, reading for 30 minutes, a chore for 30 minutes and something fun. This way, it's her schedule that pushes her to do what she needs to do. It's a checklist as well, that reinforces her good decisions. She commits when she rights it down and crosses it off when she is done. At the bottom of the page, she will write goals for the day. These goals can be as simple as "Paint my nails" but as helpful as "Be nice to Grandma." She ended up doing all on her list minus 30 minutes of reading. She felt pretty good about it, and had a good day. I told her she earned a couple of dolls back. But still on Soup Kitchen. She needs 3 consecutive days of doing everything including chores. Chores is the line in the sand for her. I had a friend tell me that her 16 year old son doesn't do his chores hardly ever either. In other words, it's a normal kid thing. Common response by the unknowing. I said, "I'd probably be the same way if Penelope was healthy. Sometimes it's just easier to do it yourself. (I wasn't going to get into good and better parenting opinions with her.) But with Penelope, she doesn't have the same fundamental boundaries healthy kids learn. It's not as big of a deal because they will figure it out eventually. For Penelope, she needs the structure and positive growth from fulfilling her responsibilities. It's therapudic for her. You know your son is going to be a contributing part of society. That is an uphill battle for Penelope."

Now, Monday and Tuesday she hasn't done as much as she did on Sunday but it will come. And I've seen the improvements already, in her behaviors and her body language. She is happier and acts older - much closer to her age. Still on Soup Kitchen though.

School started yesterday. I had a meeting on Monday with a lot of different people at the school. Her teacher from last year, Mrs. Brown, was very concerned about Penelope returning to school without a plan to address behaviors she was having at the end of last year. Nothing was working to help her cope in school other than being with 2 inches of Mrs. Brown for the entire day. Not a feasable solution. Then or now. I was concerned that with all that was going on that she wouldn't be able to function in school at all as well as draw a lot of negative attention towards her from her peers. (But she has done almost a 180 while on Soup Kitchen so.. so far so good.) It ended up being the new principle, Mrs. Brown, her new Intervention Specialist, Math Teacher, English/Lit Teacher, Science/Social Studies Teacher, the School Psychologist, and the Director of Spec. Services. Lots of people. I think it went well considering it was somewhat disorganized. I wasn't aware that allll those people were going to be there. The meeting was scheduled on Friday for Monday and there was little time to prepare for it, including a requested letter from Penelope's therapist. The Director of Spec. Services wanted a letter from the therapist letting her know how Penelope will act at recess, in the lunch room, in class, and in between bells. Yeah, does she have a crystal ball? I don't think so. I wasn't able to touch base with the therapist until I was on my way in the car anyway. The Director of Special Services for the school district also wanted to make it so Penelope would have to wait to go to a designated safeplace when she needed additional help processing bad feelings and on the verge of a meltdown until certain times of the day. She called them "venting points." Thank goodness for Mrs. Brown because she had talked about Penelope's behavior sometimes be that of a three year old having a tantrum, stomping of the feet and things. So, using that information, her new Intervention Specialist said "That would be like asking a three year old 'Can you hold off on that tantrum until 11 o'clock?'" I couldn't have said that. I like her already! I tried to point out that she would use these opportunities to get out of class if they were made available but also need the time at that moment she is having a meltdown. She said "I always try to be proactive instead of reactive." I said "I agree with that approach (and I do!), but whith Penelope, what I've learned is we live is Bazaro World. It's the opposite of what you think is best. I believe the proactive measures are in how you interact with her and help give her the structure and support she needs. But she still needs a plan as a reaction to all her behaviors." She accepted that but then shortly later excused herself to go check her email. I think she felt she contributed all she could and was going to leave it up to the teachers. I like her and ususally her input is of a great value but this meeting I think it's really about the teachers coming up with a plan for eachother. The School Psychologist left with her. I like and respect her a great deal. She is always so positive and I can tell she really likes Penelope. She had some great ideas to help with Penelope's esteem. Like getting her involved in some volunteering. We've talked about sports and clubs in the past and the issue is always supervision and making team committments she can't handle. But I think if all else goes fairly well we can look into volunteering. I did a lot of that growing up so I think that would be great for her. But all her teachers overall seemed nice. More or less just curious what they are in for. We will all see.
Penelope's first couple of days at school seem to go well. Not much homework yet. She is looking "normal" brushing her hair and having body language that says "13 yr old 7th grader here." I think it's going well. Still working on a packet for her teacher's though. Mrs. Brown talked about putting together a training for this year's teachers. That would be great but I'm starting with this packet. But so far so good! I do think Soup Kitchen is helping with that.
Now the court stuff. It did take a while to get ahold of Penelope's Probation Officer to find out if we were still going to have court since Penelope didn't have a regular evaluation. She finally called me back after 5 phone message over 4 days. She said that the person who did the one on one wrote a report and it said she wasn't compenent yet and probably won't become competent for some time but it would happen eventually. He was going to leave it up to the judge if we were going to continue or just determine that sufficient attempts were made. Okay...
So today was court. The attorneys with the judge battled it out pre-hearing for the most part. Basically the judge wants to dismiss the charges due to non-competency not wanting to drag this out any longer but because the prosecutor wouldn't agree because my brother told the prosecutor during their conversation that he wants Penelope prosecuted, the judge could not do that. Our attorney brought up that my brother had told myself and our dad something a little different in that he will not participate in the case and won't allow his children to testify. There is no case without them. I agree that he shouldn't expose his kids to this and I totally understand why he doesn't want to participate himself - he doesn't want to see her, but if he wants her prosecuted, that's what he'd have to do. So the judge told the Prosecutor to relay the events of this hearing to him and "invite" him to the next hearing if he wants to be heard. So now, even though there is no case, because he said he wants her prosecuted, we are still moving forward. It could have been a worse turnout. But where it was left is that Penelope will be re-evalated by one of the doctor's at the jail this time versus the non-doctor who did the class with her. Penelope's attorney feels confident Penelope will be found non-competent and then it will be "handled unofficially" using the judge's words. She also said that during the pre-trial meeting, the judge tried to make sure the prosecutor understand the lack of case he has and why trying to move forward appeared to be a waste of time. He said he even asked the Prosecutor if he were in my brother's shoes, would he let his kids testify? He said "Of course!" Right.
I heard later this evening that the Prosecutor had contacted my brother and had invited him to the next hearing. But my brother told our dad when asked if he was going to go "What's in it for me? Nothing. I don't want to see Penelope." To me, the thing that's in it for him is to prosecute Penelope. Not that I want it. If he doesn't want to go he doesn't have to but he has to understand that the case will go away. That was the whole point. So he didn't say he wouldn't go but it doesn't sound like it.
A funny story about Penelope. I am beyond beyond broke right now, with uncovered medical expenses and making close to nothing a week. My checking account has been in the red for the last two weeks. My mom gave me her charge card to Old N*vy to get Penelope some clothes for back to school. She was going to go with us but her and my dad were invited somewhere so we were to go ourselves. We were there for 1 1/2 hours and she found some really cute t-shirts and a jacket and jeans. We went to pay for it and I must have gotten the store manager because she checked the card and wouldn't let me purchase the clothes are my mom's card because it wasn't me. So we left. It was embarassing. I should have asked them to save the clothes for Monday so my Mom could come get them for Penelope but I just took Penelope and left. She had started to get upset anyway, so it was probably a good thing. She became very angry at the employee. I explained that I knew that could have happened but it didn't occur to me. I wasn't doing anything I wasn't allowed to do but the employees typically are suppose to check those things. It's just people don't much anymore it seems. I told her "I wish I could have bought those for you myself honey, but I just don't have the money right now. I'm sorry." She said "That's okay.. It's the economy. It's really bad... and it's Obama's fault! He is a jerk and is suppose to fix the economy and he just hasn't!" Now, mind you she has been doing well with the baby talk the last couple of days but I'm very use to baby Penelope, not older Penelope, so this just took me by surprised. It made me laugh.. for a couple of reasons. First, my parents are hard-core Republicans. So my thought is "too much time around Papaw and Grandma I see!" Then the other thought was that during the Primaries, when she was in 4th grade, she tried to pay me to vote for Obama. Due to the Primaries being top news, they learned about the elections in school. Her 4th grade teacher is very much a Democrat and shared with the class as much - which I don't necessarily agree with - but we love her because she is very awesome. Anyway, Penelope had come home from school one day and had asked me "So who are you going to vote for President- Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama?" I told her that it was the Primaries and I tend to lean more Republican so I wouldn't be voting for either. She didn't quite understand. I told her that I know the Democratic race was more newsworthy because they were going to have either the 1st woman or the 1st black President if one of them won. But there is another race going on the Republican side. Even still, she wanted me to vote for Obama. I asked her "why?" She said "He'd be the first black President!" I told her that I know that would be exciting but I didn't feel that should be the sole reason for voting for someone. We talked about what really should be considered in deciding who you are going to vote for but I explained how the Primaries are a little different. That Republicans vote for their choice of who they want to run for President and the Democrats do the same and then those two run against eachother. Also how there are other people that are not Republicans or Democrats but those were the main parties. It was becoming a very serious conversation. I was impressed with her interest. She thought about that for a second and asked with full curiosity, "What's the difference between a Republican and a Democrat?" I said, "Well, Democrats believe in more government control and programs and Republicans believe in less government." Simple but high level answer for a 10 year old. She asked "Then what am I?" I said, "It depends what you believe in. What do you believe in?" She tapped her finger on her chin in thought for a few seconds and said, "Well....... I believe in Santa Clause... and the Easter Bunny....What?? Why are you laughing???... Which one believes in them??.. What!?" OMG I laughed a good laugh at that one.

Starting Over or Bust

I know the last post I wrote that I was going to write more often. Isn't in the cards it seems. Maybe now that I've moved into the office, where the computer is, I will - but doubt it.

The last couple of weeks, Penelope has continued to spiral. But now were are back on complete and total attachment issues. Not that any of her behavior can be linked to any particular carved out issue. All of it affects everything.


My mother had to go into the hospital for a massive kidney stone to have it surgically removed. Penelope's behavior started to really decline once they scheduled the procedure and had her admitted. We were trying to keep Penelope away from the hospital but being that my mom needed my dad and I have a job, that was really impossible. I took off quite a bit in order to let my dad help my mom. But my Wednesday, when my mom should have been released, my dad decided that Penelope is just going to have to deal with being in a hospital and seeing Grandma there.


In addition to this, Penelope had her 1st, and it seems last, one on one restoration class for the courts. She had her silky AND her bunny with her. This was Wednesday morning. I had received several hangups from my mom while I was in a work meeting and I couldn't get a hold of her when I tried her back. I called my Dad to find out why she had called. He didn't know but said that they had just walked out of the building from her class. I asked how it went. He handed the phone to her. She sounded awful! Not like she was a mess in tears or anything but so completely not of reality. She was very regressed, her words and tone were very detached. I asked how it went and she said it was okay... "But that mean man asked me bad questions." I said "What kind of questions?" She said "He asked questions about what I did to my cousins. And you know what I told him? I told him 'I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell anyone or ever talk about it ever again!' I don't like him at all." Even with what she was saying, she lacked feeling, pain, a relationship with the words. It was if she was reading them from a story. It was really upsetting to hear her that way. It made me mad that they asked those questions. I thought "Isn't these classes suppose to be about teaching her about the trial process? Why would they ask these kinds of questions??" I told Penelope I had to go, which I did - I was at work. But I called back a few minutes later and asked my dad "Did they HAVE to ask those kinds of questions? This is ridiculous!" He said he didn't know but that the person told him that Penelope didn't need to come back for any one-on-one classes and he was going to be contact the Probation Officer. So I think, or at least hoping, that what she had to endure has to do with testing to see how she would do on the stand at her trial. Not so good. So, they have determined they don't need to do any more classes and have determined her not competent.


But because both my Dad and I were getting missed calls from my mom in the hospital, he took Penelope straight to the hospital with him to see what was going on. It ended up being that she woke up that day and was told she wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything because she was having a procedure. The problem was, no one had told her about it. She is doped up on morphine and percocet and didn't know up from down and was kinda freaking out. By the time they got there, she was already having the procedure and whatever they did hurt like crazy.


This is honestly the last place Penelope needs to be on this day but my Mom needed my Dad and my Dad needed me to be at work. She was there for about 5 hours before they headed to meet me for therapy. She was in full force for therapy. All over the place, not present, hard to get her to focus, and acting very young. My dad took her home and I went to the hospital to take care of my Mom.


Thursday, they both again spent probably around 5 hours at the hospital. I had to meet my Dad to give him some insurance paperwork for the attachment therapists, on their way that direction. Penelope seemed still very detached. I didn't hear of anything reported back from therapy. My Dad just isn't into talking out the details with them, or with me so I'm sure it was uneventful. I had to go spend the afternoon evening with my mom since they left and we couldn't get ahold of George to try to spend the time with Mom. He did eventually show up, around 7:30. Oh was he annoying! But that's another story.


Then Friday.. another day where they were at the hospital far too long. They were probably there at least 7 hours. Even though I missed probably 10-15 hours of work this week, my Dad had Penelope at the hospital way too much. It was not good for her at all, and he knew it but didn't want me to miss any more work. When I got to the hospital after work Friday, I found Penelope laying in the hospital bed with her Grandma watching TV. Grandma was laying with her back to her and half sleeping half not. She was a bit of pain. They kept testing her drainage tube to see if it was ready to come out and each time it wasn't and it was painful. She claimed it felt good to have Penelope in bed because she warmed her back. However, I could tell both my parents were at their wits end with her. My Dad said when Mom's dinner came we would head down to the cafeteria. The nurse came in to work on a tube that was surgerically placed in her back to her kidney and Penelope said "But I'm comfortable. I'm not moving." Huh! I made her get up but by the time she started moving, my Mom had rolled over so the nurse could access it. I made Penelope get up and clean up all her stuff that she had layed out from her all day visit because we would be leaving soon. Shortly my Mom's dinner and we left. Penelope made a point to walk at least 10 yards in front of us. I asked my Dad if she had been acting like this all day? He said "Pretty much." I made her stop and walk with us. She did for a little bit then took off again. It was like a race. On elevators, she pushed her way through not being patient or curtious to other passengers. I asked her where her manners went and she just ignored me. She got to the cafeteria first and loaded her tray with food and a big slice of cake and even a Mt. D#w and she knows that is off limits and cake has to be requested. My Dad ended up buying her what she wanted. We get to the table and she is just so intense! She starts shoveling her food, making a scene really. She had tomato soup all over her face and on her shirt. My dad told her nicely to use her table manners. She said with anger "I am..." I said "No Penelope, I don't see you using her table manners and I know you know how. I've seen you do it wonderfully." She just looked at me out of the corner of her eye "Hmph! I am!" "Now Penelope, I disagree. You didn't even ask if you could have the piece of cake and I just can't see you being allowed to eat it the way you are not following instructions." She then looked at me with daggers and moved the cake to the other side of her away from me. I said, "You must start using your manners or we will have to leave. I'd hate to leave all this food here, but if that's what you want, I understand." She grunted at me again but continued to make a mess of herself. So I got up and went to the other side of her and pushed the piece of cake to my Dad and started to say "Hopefully you can start using your manners so you can...(get your cake back) but before I could she punched me. My dad said "Penelope! That is not acceptable. You will apologize to your Mom now!" Penelope said, with no sincereity and sething through her teeth. "I'm.. sorry..." I said "No your not, and Papaw, that's okay. No point in making her say she is sorry when she isn't. It's time to leave." She said "NO! NO! NO!!!!!" Talk about a scene. I picked up her bag and held my hand out like "this way.." I asked my Dad if he could take care of all our food and he said he would. Boy was Penelope pissed at me.

I was fearful she was going to take off in the hospital. If we were in a section she was familiar with, she probably would have. She insisted on walking a few feet behind and on the other side of the hall all the way to the parking garage. She kept telling me I was a jerk and she hated me. She wished I was dead. I'd just say all non-challant "I know sweety. I can see you are pretty angry right now." She then tell me to "Shut up." We finally got to the parking garage and she jumped up ahead of me and was walking down the main drive. A car started to come and I said to watch out. She said "I don't care! Let them hit me!" She got in the car and she started to yell at me telling me she can't believe I took her food away from her. That's exactly what her step mother did and I am just like her. The devil. I'm fat and ugly and a horrible person. Just like her. I told her she should think about what she is saying because she always feels guilty and horrible later when she calms down. She yelled "Shut up!" at me a couple of times. I told her the second time " I don't have to shut up." She said "Then I'm not going to listen." I said "Then don't but I'm still going to talk." I didn't say much but I couldn't let her tell me to Shut up for crying out loud. I told her where I thought this was coming from. Seeing Grandma in the hospital all week and just being in the hospital was hard, made her scared that something bad was going to happen and she needs to be the boss. I could tell I touched on it but she wouldn't let me be right and said it wasn't it at all. She told me on the way home that she wished I'd jump out of the car, on the expressway. I told her that I wasn't going to do that. She said "Then I'll push you out!" She then punched me again! I told her that punching was unacceptable. She said "I'll punch you if I want to!" I said "It's against the law, Penelope. It's called assault. Do you want to go to jail? Because with the charges against you know, and then assault, well, you would definitly end up in jail somewhere. I know you are miserable now, but that would be like 10 times worse and I'd hate to see you go through that." She didn't say anything for a while after that. Prior to this, she was saying how she wanted to go home. She means our house that we are losing next month. She doesn't know that yet. Ugh. But then she said "I want to live with my Daddy!" I told her "Daddy isn't going to take you sweetie." She said "Yes he will! I emailed him today. (On the hospital email.)" I told her that he knows it is best that she is with me. She didn't like it but knows it too.


Eventually she calmed down, after I explained that she could have food when we got home. But she was still angry with me. She took on a passive aggressive approach, but I acted like it was all the same to me. We discussed consequences, needing to help with chores. I offered to let her pick. I said "What about cleaning the kitchen, since it's something I always do. That way I can have a break. You've done it before so you know how to do it." She reluctantly agreed. She agreed to do it in the morning before they went to pick up Grandma from the hospital once she is discharged. But the next day when I got home, it wasn't done.


I didn't make a big deal about it, but offered to help letting her know that I needed to make dinner and the kitchen needs to be done before that. As soon as she stepped into the kitchen she was struck by extreme pain in her head. I sent her to lay down with the TV off etc. Boredom kicked in quickly and by the time dinner was ready she was ready to eat. I asked how her head was feeling. Not wanting to have to eat in bed, she said "Much better." I said "Great, we can clean the kitchen up after dinner!" Yeah, that didn't go over well. After dinner, she started to help but got so upset and angry, needed to calm down. But there wasn't anything that would calm her down. Strong sitting just pissed her off. I asked her "What do you think will calm you down?" She said "Drawing." I told her to get her drawing things then because I want her to feel better.


She drew some pretty intense pictures. She drew a picture of her Papaw's grave. She was mad at him because he snapped at her seeing through her procrastination techniques. She also drew a picture of a female hanging with Xs over the eyes. I asked who it was suppose to be. She wouldn't answer for a bit so I don't know if I should believe her when she finally told me it was Harriet, her birth mother. Then lastly, and something she didn't want to show me and ended up ripping up before she gave it to me, but she allowed me to piece back together. It was her "Death List" #1. Harriet #2 Rick (Harriet's husband) #3 Debra (Her ex-step mom). Then below that it said "Almost on my Death List" #1. (but by my name, not "Mom") #2 Papaw #3 George (her Dad). She didn't want to show it to me because she said I'd take her to the hospital but she did. It did make me consider if that was something we should do but we didn't.


After that, she was still pissed. I talked to her about how she is trying to be the boss and asked her to say her montra she learned in therapy "I'm not the boss, that's okay. Mommy will take care of me." Not having the affect it used to have. She said it with no problem but then said "But I can take care of myself!" She was really really testing my patience. I try sooooo hard to be the cool collected, "Can-handle-anything Mom" that I'm suppose to be for her, but my armor is so dented.. I asked her "How would you take care of yourself? Who would make you breakfast? (She always ALWAYS wants someone to make her breakfast.) She said "I can make it!" "Lunch?" "That too!" "AND Dinner?" "Yep!" "And with what?" She said "Food!" I asked her "How would you get the food?" "With money!" "Where would the money come from" " A job!" "Doing what?" "Fashion. I'll do something in fashion!" Okay... "But you are too young to have a job. It's illegal." Now, she is dead serious when she says the rest of this, but think about it. "Ugh! Then I'll go to China! I'm old enough to work in China." "How would you get there?" "By boat." "How would you get a ticket to get on the boat?" "UGH! Quit asking me questions!" I then started to think... but didn't think it through all the way and said "Okay, how about this. This week, why don't you be in charge of yourself. You will cook your own meals. And you don't have to buy your own food. But if you want to watch TV, you have to earn it because it uses electricity. You are only entitled to the electricity for the A/C and lights. Oh, and an adult still has to administer your meds..." She said "I thought you said I'd get to be in charge of myself." I said "There are still certain things you need us to do." And then I thought, she will need to go to bed on time for her meds to work best... this isn't going to work. She had gotten up and walked towards her playroom. She asked "Would I be allowed to play games on my computer?" I said "You'd have to earn the electricity to use it.." She said "If I can't use my computer, well then... to heck with you!" and slammed the door. I went over to the door and opened it, not wanting to leave it like that, and said "Still need some time to calm down huh?" "Yes!" "When you are done, please pick up your papers and markers." "NO!"


Of course this stupid idea of mine can't work. There is a reason she needs to not be in charge. She wouldn't survive! I went upstairs and sat in the chair next to my Dad's desk and started to cry. He said "Ready to pack her up and give her back to her Dad?" I said "The thought has crossed my mind.." He honestly would have by now and really was considering it. I told him "Okay, then what? He can't do it. It would still come back on you and Mom." He disagreed. I said "She would end up dead, pregnant, in jail, or all of the above. " He agreed. I said "So we have one of two options. Because this behavior and her extreme feelings of wanting us all dead is going to continue and get worse. #1 Take her to the hospital or #2 Do four things. #1 - Move me out of that room and put me in here (in the office) along with the cats and put alarms on her window and all three bedrooms. Her's on the outside and ours on the inside. #2 - Soup Kitchen. #3 Truely lock up all the knives and scissors. Not what we've been doing just putting them up because it's 'too inconvienent' to lock them up. #4Lock up her toys - items she doesn't use for coping and she will have to earn them back. The goal is to help her feel safe again - have the structure and safety methods in place we had before so she can let go of being the boss and feel better about making the right decisions. Also, to protect us escpecially with Soup Kitchen and her toys locked up going into place. This is what has to happen. I don't see any other way."


He didn't like the idea of me being in his office. We talked about if and where a bed would fit. We'd have to move his credenza. He really didn't want to do that. I was somewhat baffled. So I asked him "What do you suggest we do then?" He said, "I have no idea. This is all way over my head." We talked about taking her to the hospital. I said that I wasn't sure that they'd take her. He said "With her drawings you don't think they'd take her?" I said "They might take her but then what? They would just teach her coping skills she already knows. Make sure it's safe to release her.. then we will have a kid who's been in the hospital back right before school. The only real advantage to taking her to the hospital is having a break from her." That would be nice but is it worth it? He asked "How many days do you think they would keep her?" I said "Well, her first visit was 7 days and her 2nd was 10. I think this time it would be less than 7 days, maybe 3 to 5 days." He thought about that and dismissed the idea. I understand the need to get a break from her, believe me I do. Penelope is a hard child to be around sometimes. And my Dad has been around her more than anyone lately. It wears you down. So I wasn't going to tell him it's not an option. But I think when there are other options, let's try them first. If they don't work, then I'll drive.


Back to the other idea now, we started to discuss when we were going to do this. One of the problems is that my Mom had just released from the hospital with a tube sticking out of her back that was in her kidney, in a bit of pain and taking heavy duty pain killers. She needed help with everything. My dad had a golf event for Monday all day into the evening. My Monday work days go from 9am to at least 8pm. Penelope couldn't stay home with my Mom by herself anyway. Penelope needed to not just run the place without any structure, like she's been doing because that's a huge part of the problem. Plus I needed to implement our plan of action. My Dad was going to try to find a replacement for himself for the golf event so he can stay home and I go to work. I asked him "But then how are we going to get this all in place? I need you to take Penelope out of here for a while so I can get everything set up without her trying to hide stuff or stop me. I have to work late tomorrow night." He said "Then Tuesday after you get home?" I said "I won't get home until after 6pm at the earliest. We would only have a couple of hours. I can't get it done then. And we can't wait until the weekend. The whole point is to get this in place before she has another flipout. Get her back on track." He still didn't like it. I asked him "What are you going to do with Penelope if you stay home with her?" He said defeatedly, "Probably the same as I've done all week. Nothing." So I thought we understood we were both going to stay home on Monday and get this done. Not so much...

Monday morning, we both get up. He is still trying to find a replacement for himself. I said "Should I go get the stuff while you are still here in case you have to go to your golf thing?" "Yeah, go do that. I should be able to get out of it." I had to go get big boxes that take padlocks, padlocks, and door/window alarms. When I was out, I found out he was able to find a replacement, and he wanted me to go on ahead to work. What? So I talked to him and told him I thought we were both staying home to get this done. He said "Then why could I have played golf?" Seriously? I told him I needed him to take Penelope for a few hours to the park or something. He said he had a few errands to run, he'd do that.

Okay. So I finished my shopping and hurried home. To wait. I began just cleaning areas in general, to prepare for when they leave. Each hour ticked by. It was obvious also that my Dad was pouting. Boo hoo, sorry you had to sacrifice your golf outing. I'm moving into your office for crying out loud! He knew she had her 1st tutor session for the fall at 5:30 - 6:30, 30 minutes away. At 4:45 they leave. At 6:38 he calls "We are on our way home." Really?? FINE! All I had done was most of setting up her room which was alot. I had to move every piece of furniture, set up alarms, move a bed out and set it up in the office, go through all the drawers and things again to ensure nothing sharp - alllll by myself. Didn't have time to go through the closet. Didn't get to collect her toys or anything of major importance. I was still working on the rooms when they arrived. I found out that the reason he didn't do anything with Penelope like he said he would, was because he was mad at her and didn't want to be around her. Mad at her for ruining your golf event or drawing your grave? Don't know, but she's done a lot worse to be mad about. So you pick this and to be so mad you can't even take her out of the house? No wonder he was so upset, missing an all day event for 2 hours and 15 minutes of being away from the home. Well, if I had known he was going to pout and fight me on it, I'd just say go to your stupid game!

So we didn't actually do the toys until Wedensday when I had time and he was less mad at her. But back to Monday. She was excited about having her own large room with her own desk and dresser and radio and big bed with a feather topper (while I'm on her twin in the office with only the personal space within the 4 corners of the bed) and alarms on the windows and doors. I kept telling her it's all about helping her feel safe and there are more changes to come, some will like and some she won't. Trying to prepare her for the hammer to drop. And I think she knew it. She was acting overly sweet. She had heard that she is back on Soup Kitchen and wasn't happy about it but was accepting. Even the next day she was acting like "no big deal." She said "I can get used to this." I said "That's wonderful!" but thinking "Yeah right!"But I told her there was more to come.

I had also talked to my Dad about what needed to happen during the day with Penelope. To help her get started on earning her way back out of this mess. I said she needs to do her 30 minutes of reading she has been refusing to do, AND she needs chores. Both of these will help her feel better about herself by having that sense of accomplishment and she will be making better decisions and not being the boss. He understood.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and my Dad hadn't had time to work with her. They ran out of time he said, to do these things. Knowing that we needed to get the rest of it done ie. toys, I asked him to take her for a couple of hours so I can get her toys boxed up by going through her playroom. He agreed to. Boy oh boy that girl hoards! That room was aweful and I found items that were not toys or garbage and she should have had in there. She had the sword looking thing that is used to sharpen knives. She had a very expensive cardigan of my mothers, her uncle's Parents' Wedding Book that is totally off limits, and a picture of her uncle and aunt (parents of the cousins she sexually abused) that she had broken the stand off of and was using the picture frame a a try for poker chips.

I put these things aside so I could use them as reasons for the toy situation. She was NOT happy about the toys but didn't do what she did on Friday. She did take it as me being mean but her big thing is that I touched her things and gone through everything in the playroom. How dare I! This was her hot button. When I showed her the items she felt she had very valid reasons why she took them even though they weren't hers. "I was playing!" "I didn't know it belonged to you!" "I would have asked but you were sleeping so I just took it!" Then when I told her that she couldn't play with the plastic poker chips anymore, since I found them all over the floor, she said "But they are mine!" I said "No they are not, they are mine." I did the rational approach of "Did you get them as a gift? No? Did you buy them? No? Then they are not yours." She said "I claimed them." CLAIMED them. That spoke volumes. I asked her what would happen to me if I went into a store, saw something I liked and just went over and said "I claim this" and walk off with it? She just rolled her eyes and grumped. She was upset, but handling it okay enough. I believe it's all in the deliver, which is why it was so important for her not to be there, but also I spoke very loving and no big deal, to her. I gave her her pills and put her to bed with reading her a chapter from a book I started on the night before.

Thursday I only saw her for about an hour but I did get some reading in. I did get to talk to my Dad again about working with her. He said nothing happened and probably wouldn't happen on Friday because he had things to do. So when I was with her, I told her that she needed to read for 30 minutes and to ask Papaw to give her a 30 minute chore to do. This was to help her start working her way out of Soup Kitchen. I was putting it on her since my Dad didn't have time to help her. The next day I told him about it and told him "Don't ask about the chore, let her come to you. She knows."

He did tell me that therapy went okay. Her brainwaves for her neurofeedback were off the charts again. She talked about the fact that she is suppose to email Harriet is really upsetting her. They told her she doesn't have to and not to feel obligated. "How many times has she made a promise to you and didn't keep it? You don't have to worry about keeping this promise. Especially to someone who didn't keep promises to you. Don't worry about it." She also said that she doesn't know how she is ever going to get out of Soup Kitchen when I keep taking things away from her. She first said it one on one with her one AT but when that AT made her repeat herself in front of the rest of them, her tone changed and it went from a tattling message to one of concern.

Well, Friday she did do her reading but she didn't ask about a chore. My Dad said he even asked her after she had asked for lunch and after reading "Is there anything else you want to do today?" and she said "Nope, just play." He said he asked a couple of times. Nothing. So when I got home, she was in her room and wouldn't come down to greet me. About 30 minutes later she calls for me. Not "Mom" but "Mommy!" She is feeling sick to her stomach and feverish she says. Then she goes into how absolutely hungry she is! She hasn't eaten but one bowl of soup allll day. I told her not to starve herself. She can have as much soup as she wants. She said she just can't eat it anymore and she is starving and wants Spaghetti for dinner! And she started the big allegator tears with forced frown like a little kid. I told her that I know it's hard, but it's her choice not to eat her soup. She knows how to get off of Soup Kitchen. She said "I've been really good! I've been working hard at trying to be part of the family!" I said "I know you are working harder than you were but did you do your chore? Did you ask Papaw for a chore?" She said "I can do it right now if you want?" I said "Oh no, the point was you were suppose to ask Papaw but you chose not to. It's about being the boss sweetie. You decided you didn't want to do your chore." She said "But I don't want to be the boss anymore! I swear! 'I'm not the boss, that's okay. Mommy will take care of me.' See? I told the ATs that I'd say that. They want me to say it every time I see you. I don't want to be the boss! I want to be taken care of!" and cried. I told her that I would let her go so she can calm down. She didn't want me to leave. She wanted to start earning. I said "Picking up your our room for starters would be great." She said "Then can I eat regular food??" I said "Oh no, it's going to take more than that." I know this is hard for her, but I can't cave too soon because it will just come back. She is getting there.

We will see how tomorrow will go. I knew she would need to fail that chore test to see the value of doing it on her own.

I will write more later about school and court. School starts on the 24th, and court is scheduled for the 25th. Fun! :(