I usually write in chronological order, but I have to tell you what happened on Thursday - and Friday. Is it bad to get joy out of our child's pain? Not bad pain but the pain of a consequence that is teaching them why their decision(s) on an issue weren't the best?
Okay, so Thursday was Attachment Therapy. We decided Grandma need to go for reasons I will explain in better detail later. Basically, her and Penelope have been at eachother's throats to the point that I had to leave work early to ensure they were not home together by themselves. Maybe having Grandma at therapy is what sparked the actions that happened that day, may it was some other things that have happened. I am not sure yet. But I do know that when I called my mom when I left work, they were all still together and had stopped at a store. I asked how therapy had gone, she said it went well but that her neurofeedback "brain training" showed her anxiety very high and it just wasn't coming down, probably because Penelope had hurt her her ankle "Here, ask Penelope".. okay. "Hi Penelope! How was therapy?" She says "It was fine, but guess what! Benny (my cat) tripped me on the steps and I fell!" I said "Oh my gosh!" She said "Yeah! and I hit my foot on the railing!" "Wow! Are you okay!" "It hurts so bad!! And there is a big black and blue bruise!" At this point I'm truely thinking 'Wow, that must have been really bad.' I said "I'm sorry to hear that. I will have to look at it when you get home." She said "Yeah. Grandma has been helping me get around." I said "That's good" and finished up the call.
I ended up beating them home by about 10 minutes. Penelope is the first one in the house and she makes a bee-line to her play room. But the route she takes avoids seeing me. I say "Hey! Aren't you going to come and say 'Hi'?" She says "Hold on a minute!" I said "Hello to you too!" She said "I said HOLD ON A MINUTE! GEEESH!" At this point I'm thinking, something happened in the car and she is all pissed off. No, she comes out with a crutch (that was found at the house) limping on her foot. Even though she walks past me, I can tell there is something really fishy about this bruise. I look harder and it and Penelope can see on my face that I'm super suspicious. Before I can get a word out, she says "I don't want you looking at it. You will want to touch it and it hurts just too badly!" I said "I promise not to touch it, I just want to see it." She says, "No! It's fine. You don't need to see it." I decided I'm not going to engage in a battle about this with her. I will go along and she will have to deal with the consequences of her decision of faking a bruised ankle or her ankle will get lots of care and she will get all better. I know it's not bruised, but maybe she did fall and she is just playing it up. Who knows.
I told Penelope "Gosh, you must have really hurt your ankle. You need to go to your room and get that foot elevated by laying in bed. Yeah. You need to stay in bed all day tomorrow to get that to heal properly." She likes this idea and while starting to walk upstairs she says "Oh, okay.. what about breakfast?" I said "Oh, you will have to eat breakfast in bed." Her eyes get big "Eggs and Geotta?" Oh no no, not in bed, it will be something simple like cereal or toast." Her face dropped "Oh." But you can see her think "But that's okay. I still get fed breakfast in bed." She said "What about when I have to go to the bathroom?" I said "Maybe Grandma or Papaw have a bedpan. I don't know..." She said "What's a bedpan?" I said "It's what they have in hospitals for their patients that can't make it to the bathroom. But I don't think we have one." She said "Maybe we can make one." I said "I think you'll be able to manage to get to the bathroom okay." She is upstairs by this point (all by herself) and asks for a glass of juice. "I'll bring it up in a minute" I say.
I tell my dad who is sitting there that Penelope's bruise is fake - that it looks drawn on with a marker or something. He says "Reeeallly.. Well, that would explain why it hasn't swelled up." You think? I'm kinda confused why they didn't notice something wrong with her bruise. Anyway, I told him how we have to handle this little con game she is playing. That she has to stay in bed the rest of the day and allllllll day tomorrow. She may be all about that idea right now, but she is forgetting the last time we went through this, about 2 years ago how absolutely bored she got. I told him she will miraculously improve and want to not have to lay there anymore. But you can't let her get up. And it's not a punishment. You are so happy she is feeling so much better etc etc but just to make sure/just in case etc etc. But this bruise thing. I do want to call her out on it. He suggested putting a cold compress (cold wet washcloth) on it which will wipe off the marking. Great idea. Around this time Penelope yells "Mommy! My foot went numb! I can't feel it!" "Okay, I'm coming!" "And I have to go to the bathroom but I can't move it!" "Okay, I will help you!" So I go up there and stand there while she gets herself up very carefully and uses this crutch she found to help herself to the bathroom. When she goes in there, I go to the another bathroom and start making that cold compress. I said "I have just the thing to make that feel better." She said "Wait, what is it?" "A cold compress" "What's that?" "A washcloth with cold water." "Oh no. Water is too heavy on my ankle. It hurts. No wetness." "What about ice?" She said "Ice is good. Can I have ice?" "Sure."
I go downstairs to get the ice and see Papaw. "Hey Papaw, wetness hurts..." He just chuckles and shakes his head. I get the ice and I make the bag all wet. I show my dad and he knows what I'm up to. So I go upstairs to put the ice on her "bruise." When I walk in the room, it was extremely obvious she darkened the "bruise" alot. It was completely black. A 5 in. diameter perfectly round, perfectly black with crisp edges "bruise." A big black dot on her ankle. I said "Holy cow! It's gotten worse!" She said "Yeah.. I hit it on the crutch on the way back from the bathroom to the bed (a total of 5 steps) and it hurt sooooo bad!" I said "Let me put this ice on it and it will feel better." I put the ice on it and the bag makes her ankle wet. I said "Oh! It's getting wet! Let me wipe it off." And I have the wet washcloth in my other hand and start wiping it clean. The black came off with it. I just look at her like "What is this?" She just looks at me with big eyes. I said "It appears the bruise was drawn on." She is embarassed and angry and starts to cry. "You don't believe that I hurt it!" We had a conversation about that. That I never said that I didn't believe that she didn't hurt it but there was no need to fake a bruise. That I love her and am here to take care of her. She admitted she did it for the attention but kept saying "I did hurt it! Really bad!" She tried to say that it did bruise really badly but then it went away and she wanted it to stay bad so that's why she drew it on. I said that I know that isn't true and kept saying that she doesn't need to fake a bruise to get attention. She kept going on about how it happened and even that she was in "so much pain that she wishes she could just cut her foot off!" I said "Penelope, do we need to go to the hospital??" She put her hands on her hips and gave me the don't-be-ridiculous stare and said "Mom. You are broke and haven't sold anything and I don't want you spending any money." I had to really squash my need to laugh on that one. I actually have a decent check coming next Friday but anyway. I said "Penelope. You are more important than that and if you need to go to the hospital and I have a bill to pay, then so be it. So, do you need to go to the hospital?" She said dramatically, with a sigh"No.... I just sprained my ankle really bad." I never once questioned the fall or that she hurt her ankle. Now if there was any doubt, I now know that it didn't happen because of her insistence it did. I said "That's why you are going to stay here with your feet up the rest of today and all of tomorrow. You will have your DS and your drawing stuff, and you can watch cartoons on TV. She said "Okay.."
I had coached my parents on what I expected Friday to be like and how to handle it. With love and caring and concern but do not let her up from her bed. "That's great you are feeling better but ..."
I called around 1pm from work to check in with my Dad. He said she tried to come downstairs to get toys from her playroom but he says, toys stay in the playroom and that she has things to do in her room and got her back in bed with no major problem. I said "Her boredom has kicked in."
I got a call from my Mom around 4:30 sounding exasperated. She said "Penelope is bored and doesn't want to stay in her bedroom anymore." I started to say "That's the point..." But I could hear Penelope in the background and someone was at the door dropping off something for my Dad. Penelope was there, which meant she was out of her room. My mom was yelling at her to go away and oh yeah, get back upstairs. I try to get my mom's attention because that's not how you are suppose to handle her and she is going to make this thing backfire. She can't hear me. Then my phone starts to beep because my boss upstairs is trying to call me. Then he calls my cubicle neighbor who tells me that they are having a quick meeting to tell us something and to go upstairs. Great. The next thing I know she has handed the phone to Penelope who says "Mommy, I don't want to stay in bed anymore. My ankle feels all better. But Grandma won't let me out of my bedroom. But my ankle isn't red any more and I took a hot bath and it made it feel all better. It doesn't hurt one bit." Now, I can't just blow her off because my boss wants me upstairs so I said "That is so wonderful that your ankle feels so much better so quickly. But I really want to make sure it's completely healed. The last thing I want is for it to get re-injured because it's still weak or hurt. I want it completely healed...." She is going "but.. but..." on the other end. I said "I'm glad the bath made it feel so much better but let's wait until I get home so I can look at it. I have to go now because I have to go to this meeting but I'll call you when I'm on my way home." She is crying at this point "But I am so bored! And it will be hours before you get home!" I said "I know sweety and I hate that you ankle is hurt causing you to be bored. And I will be leaving shortly, then I have to stop at the grocery store, so I should be home in about 1 1/2 hours. I know you can make it." She reluctantly said okay and we ended the call.
Now, the day did backfire a little bit but I do think that she won't fake her injury again, or at least in her memory of this past Friday. But the evening was very difficult. Penelope and Grandma had been at it - again. When I got home I was putting away the groceries for dinner when Penelope asked if I was home yet. Grandma said "Yes, she is in the kitchen cleaning up." This pissed her off because I didn't come straight to her to check on her. I sighed and went upstairs to check on her. She had wedged herself behind a piece of furniture and was pouting. She was all pissed off that I made her stay in bed all day. We discussed the why but that she already knew that. The true reason behind her anger was Grandma. Grandma didn't do that caring loving thing that she was coached on. She did the "Get back to bed!" thing that I heard on the phone. So, as I discovered all her artwork from the day, you can see the pregression from the "I feel loved because I'm being taken care of" pictures to the "I'm bored" pictures then there were the hate letters to me for not letting her get out of her bed, In the past, there wasn't the hate - just the frustration. Not to pin EVERYTHING on Grandma, but I believe that if she didn't yell at Penelope and do it the way she was told, Penelope wouldn't have gotten so angry (not necessarily happy but not scared/untrusting/rage that was the result of Grandma's approach) she would have turned her anger towards me and write her letters. The worst of it was there were self-hating statements in there to. Wanting to hurt herself but her brain won't let her because she knows there is love out there - somewhere.
I got her to not be mad at me anymore but her anger was definitly there and bubbling the rest of the night. Backtalking, stomping of the feet, the huffs, rolling of the eyes, impatience, "Don't touch me," "You are all being to loud," kind of thing. She told me to "Shut up!" at one point and my mom loudly gasped and was ready to rip into her. I put up my hand and handled it the right way. Penelope shortly later backtalked Grandma and my mom made a "tst" noise. Penelope said "Don't treat me like a dog. I'm NOT your dog." She said she meant to "shh" her but it came out "tst." See, my mom watches a LOT of Dog Wisperer. She DVRs it and watches it for hours. She tells myself and my twin brother how the principals on the show can be applied to our kids. (Crazy) But part of what he does when he becomes the alpha dog to his new patient, he "tst"s them to make them stop a bad behavior.
As you can see, I believe my mom is part of our problem on the home front. Last week I came home one night around 9pm after one of our twice a week call nights at work. Penelope hadn't been fed dinner or her meds and was bouncing off the walls. I made her dinner and got her pills in her and learned that Penelope and Grandma had been at it throughout the day. She was so upset with Grandma. Grandma didn't lift one finger to do anything with her. She spent the entire day in front of the TV if not on her phone. She was still in her PJs. So was Penelope in fact. The reason they hadn't ate was because my mother grazed all day and wasn't hungry herself. Penelope was so pissed at Grandma, she didn't want anything from her. Now Penelope, taking advantage of her "freedom" had made all kinds of messes throughout the house. We talked about Grandma and we talked about what she did all day and how things will be changing (one way or another). She had calmed down and was in better spirits. We planned to read together before bed and we were going to have some one on one time so she was happy. But before that she had to clean up a small mess (one of the many) she had made so the cats don't chew on her stuff. She was agreeable to that, but then she forgot a little later and started heading up to bed. I reminded her nicely. I kept everything "no big deal" but she was getting frustrated with having to do it. She didn't want to be near Grandma who was in the room and she decided to bolt up the steps and try to lock herself in the bathroom. I caught the knob before she locked it and held it. She was screaming through the door to go away and she never wanted to speak to me again. I tried to get her to let me in but she said "Just leave me alone! Give me some space! No one respects my boundaries!" I told her that I will give her space when I feel she is safe, but she isn't safe right now. She said she was and I told her it was up to me if she was safe or not and I don't feel she is safe. Then she started talking about how she wanted to kill herself but can't because her brain won't let her. At that point I decided I was pushing my way in. I did that and she cowarded in the corner and was crying and told me not touch her. I slowly caressed her hair which she cowarded from a little, then I held her hand which she let me and I kissed the top of her hand and held it in mine. Then she turned and let me hug her and she cryed and let go and callapsed to the floor hugging my legs. I told her it was going to be all right. She told me my legs were hairy and we both laughed.
But this stuff is draining. I think I've become good at handling it, but boy, it is a total emotional and physical drain! Grandma has got to get on the same page. If I could take Penelope away from there, I would, but my house is for sale/in foreclosure and I don't have any money or steady income. I am still trying to figure that end out but in the job I have, with all this.. there just is no way.
The other thing I wanted to write about is how her therapy is going. A lot of Penelope's regression and need to feel safer is that she has been disclosing more of her abuse story, specifically the sexual abuse. That is positive. But she is disclosing it to the attachment therapist, not the truamat therapist. Which is totally understable. She knows the AT much longer, plus we are still in the preliminary information gathering, getting to know you stages on the truama therapist. It probably helped Penelope open up knowing that it is coming on the truama therapist side. However, the to different groups of therapists need to coordinate so they both know what eachother is doing and what is being disclosed. I don't even really know because I'm not going to attachment therapy anymore and my Dad isn't a details kind of guy - as I've said before.
I did go over the questionnaires/paperwork that the truama therapist gave us for homework. It's actually upsetting to read it because it's all there - the dissociative. It would explain alot. But it also scares me. I don't think she has multiple personalities but I wouldn't be shocked. I just don't see her having distinct personalities. But she certainly has memory loss and confusion about where she is at or what she has done on things. Spacking out. Flashbacks. personality changes. I always thought it was the PTSD/ADHD lack of focus. It's more than that. Much more. Will have to see how Penelope does on the questionnaires. If anything all this stuff is very informative. It just makes me have a lot of questions and concerns. Mostly about where we go from here.
No comments:
Post a Comment