1) Summer is almost over. School is suppose to start in a month. But my house is in foreclosure and we are living with my parents - in a different school district, let alone state. Penelope doesn't even know. I will need to tell her, but then I don't even know what we are going to do. We have the option of paying out of town tuition but with what money? Is that the best thing anyway? She is a different child (again) this year and most certainly will end up in the special classroom with the mentally handicapped children because of her special behavioral needs. I can't allow that.
2)I've come to the conclusion that until I get Penelope and I out of my parents' house, she isn't going to improve behaviorally or emotionally. Actually she could continue to get worse. We've had some significant fits of rage that I haven't seen for a while. Besides being hard to handle on a personal level, it's also makes Penelope feel shame, sadness and desperation afterwards. I believe that if we are back on our own again, with my parents coming to us for support, things will improve. Even though her actions speak louder than her words, my mother SAYS she wants us to stay living with them. It sounds good on paper, but in reality.. not so much.
It's hard to deal with because I work, what feels like, constantly - keeping me away from Penelope and any say in what goes on during the day. Besides working 60+ hours a week, with an hour drive both ways, fitting in one to two therapy sessions a week for Penelope, I feel like I'm never home. When I worked a regular 40 hour a week, it was still tough but I'd be home by 6pm, Penelope and I would have our routine and it was easier to keep her "head on" with this routine. Now, she is home with her grandparents - wakes up whenever and just plays by herself all day. Plays and plays all day. Whenever there isn't going to be someone home to watch her, they will take her with them to run whatever errand they are running. But mostly she just sits in her play room or in our bedroom and plays. Sounds nice right? Not for a girl like Penelope. One of two things will happen. 1) She gets lonely and bored. She tries to recruit one of her grandparents to play with her. Papaw will play cards and sometimes take her to the pool. At least he tries. Between him and my mom, they should be able to fill this task from our Family Meeting "One fun thing a day." But Grandma is too busy. I've heard Penelope ask her to take her to the pool or do something with her and she always comes up with excuses why it's not a good idea. It's too hot, it may rain, expecting a phone call, etc. It's all excuses because she herself doesn't want to go. Or, 2) Penelope goes off into "la la land" and gets stuck there. That is currently where she is. She is stuck around 4 or 5 years old. All she wants to do is play-pertend. She only wants to eat her meals in her playroom. I don't allow that so she only eats a little so she can go play. But during the meal it's one word answers and the cold shoulder. I can usually get her to warm up, unless the day has consisted of warring with Grandma.
3) I honestly think things would be 100% better IF MY MOTHER would step up. I try not to get mad at her and just set my expectations low coming to a realization that it's not part of who she is to be able to do this. But it's sooooo hard. She tries to make these committments and promises on how she will work with Penelope, not yell at her all the time, not engage in battles with her, quit buying her things to get her to like her, and do fun things with her. It's not like I don't give her examples of how to approach the different situations, but she feels like she knows better because she has been a mom longer than me etc. etc. She will sometimes try to do it my way but then doesn't have the patience or will-power not to let her emotions take over and lash out at Penelope for the littliest things.
The other night I fell asleep before Penelope and around 12:30 she went downstairs to get a drink of water. My mom was down there watching TV. She immediatly snapped at Penelope "What are you doing out of bed??" to which Penelope snapped back "I'm thirsty and I am getting a drink of water!" My mother than said "You are very rude and I will not talk to you, do not talk to me!" Penelope came upstairs and woke me up to tell me that Grandma was being mean to her and told her she won't talk to her. I knew something had happened but told Penelope that it is best right now to go to bed and will will address it in the morning. Ironically, my mother brought it up shortly after I woke up. She wanted to discuss it, and she told me exactly what I wrote (so that wasn't a spinned version from Penelope). When she realized, from my expression, that she handled it wrong she announced to Penelope and I that from now on when Penelope is rude she is going to put a big fake smile on and say "THAT'S NICE..." which from prior conversations I've had with her, it is how she tells someone to F off if she doesn't like what they say. So she is going to apply this to Penelope now. When I nicely mentioned I didn't think that was best.. Penelope was there so I was trying to be non-critical, she just said that she didn't know what else to do. We've talked about this but it just escapes her. Not that I tolerate Penelope talking like that to Grandma but she sees my critisism of her and not Penelope. I have to approach Penelope differently. I can be more direct with Grandma - or maybe not I guess. Penelope's one therapist told my mom part of their problem is they are too alike. No kidding.
But its not just how she interacts with Penelope, it's even just helping out around the place. I've been cleaning their house on Sundays trying to get the place in shape. Some of the rooms haven't been clean in months. There are empty clothes boxes from Christmas around the area the Christmas tree sat this past Christmas. My dad does laundry and dishes and spends a couple of hours a month cleaning main rooms just to be able to function but my mom doesn't do anything but make messes. My dad has given up to an extent. He is definitly the type to just give in them make a huge fight about it, not that he doesn't complain. He does get on his nerves. But I told him, I can't live like this. So on Sundays I clean. Every Sunday, since it's the only day I'm ususally off, I re-clean the rooms I thoroughly cleaned the Sundays before, and then add a room or two, depending on how bad the rooms I have to reclean are. I have been through everyroom except my parents bedroom and master bathroom. And they are, and were, the worst rooms in the house. It WILL be hit this weekend. Maybe she will see the light if her own room is clean. I don't know. The thing is, after I clean every Sunday, there is no attempt, NONE, the keep it straighten up. Everyday I come home and I can map out what happened all day. I will re-clean the kitchen, but because I can't cook dinner in a dirty kitchen. And if I don't cook dinner, we don't eat until 9:30 at night.
I'm not a clean freak, trust me. It's taken some growing up for me to get to a point where I see the value in keeping a clean house - especially with Penelope with me. A clean, relatively organized house, helps me keep a clean relatively organized head. It helps me stay calm in the thick of it with Penelope, plus I think it has a similar effect on Penelope. But most importantly it helps her from becoming too overwelmed when it's time to do chores (or what I call "chore therapy"). I tried to explain this to my mother in hoping that she would help keep the place clean for Penelope, if not for her controlling clean freak daughter. But her response was "She won't even keep the litter boxes clean, how do you expect her to do chores?" Hmm.. I'm all about lowering expectations for Penelope.
I know that I am rambling but I think the bigger message here is the thinking behind these little nothing events? I can't even ask my mother to do normal daily family contribution stuff let alone ask her to help with Penelope. And she wants us to live there? Right now, it's better than the alternative. But I need to find a better alternative soon but it's just not good enough.
4) The court process is dragging on and on and on. Even my twin brother is sick of the whole thing and just wants it over so they don't have to continue to think about it all the time. He has other things on his mind like finding a decent paying job so they don't have to sell their house. I'm not saying he no longer wants Penelope punished and perferably locked up, but it's been almost 8 months since the incident and there isn't an end in sight. Penelope went to begin her Restoration Classes again, but this time it's suppose to be one on one. But when she got there they didn't know anything about the one on one. Fortunetly they didn't require her to participate. I did call the Probation Officer on Monday and she let me know that it's not a problem Penelope didn't participate and I should be expecting a call to set up the one on one. I also told her that my brother still hasn't received a call from the prosecutor's office. She recommended that he come to the next court hearing. I told my dad that, and based on his conversations, he doesn't think my brother will go. But I left him the message that it was recommended if he still doesn't hear anything - if he wants to be heard. I just want it over, so Penelope can focus on getting better. I have mixed feelings about the entire thing and sometimes I feel ashamed I'm still upset with her or don't want her punished for hurting my brother's kids. But I also feel like we wouldn't be in this situation if certain things didn't happen so it's hard to want to hold her 100% accountable. But I also don't feel like I can argue with anyone who does.
5) I went to Penelope's therapy appointment last week. I was expecting to talk about Penelope. She was really having a hard time and had an incident that really worried me. I had called ahead when we ran into a lot of traffic and were running late and they found it good news that I was coming. Usually I don't go but I didn't learn why it was so good that I was coming until I got there. There was some administrator there waiting for me. She wanted to talk to me before we went in (even though we were late). She proceeded to tell me that they have changed their billing and that Medicaid no longer covers neurofeedback. That it was $100/hour and that I can call their office to set up a payment plan. But that my current balance is around $7,000 (what??) and that I need to get that down or they will discontinue services. What what WHAT? She has had health insurance. She said it's a lot of co-pays. Okay, let's say that I still owe about $4,000 on the two week intensive. That leave $3,000. Let's say that my co-pay is $30, which the insurance did change about 1 year ago and the co-pay was $20. But let's say it's $30. That's 100 visits. 100 weeks. There are weeks we skipped because of holidays and their vacations. That would be as if we NEVER paid. Then the whole billing thing. I know a little bit about medical billing. In order to be able to bill more, healthcare professionals have "specialized." That's why you see so many boutique clinics these days versus going to a generalist for everything. They can charge more. But insurance companies are a bit savy and they prevent certain billing codes to be on the same invoice, deeming it a duplicate billing because one code incompasses a service that is also being billed seperately. For example, when is the last time your doctor's nurse drew your blood for testing? Now, it's outsourced. They can charge and bill more seperately if outsourced. I know these things. I've seen it in my prior career. So when I start asking this self proclaimed "Manager over.." she all of a sudden doesn't know anything and is just the messenger.
So the next thing that is done and we can go into our therapy session. I'm pissed and feeling overwelmed. During this time Penelope has been with the one therapist doing the neurofeedback. My mother and I go in with the lead therapist. She apologizes for the craziness. I told her that it was just really crappy timing and I don't understand why.... She hem-hawed about it but then just said how angry it makes her. She said "I wasn't going to tell you this today but I have decided to retire." She said it had to do with all the administrative changes that have happened over the past couple of years and this was the last straw for her. That they did not need to make this billing change and she fought it but lost. It was all so overwelming, I just turned to mush in my chair. Slumped back looking at the ceiling I just cried and thought "Now this? I can't take all this." This therapist is the one that knows what is discussed in the sessions. And even though I know the other one is "filled in" later, I can't imagine the paperwork being that detailed. It's not a strength of hers. Plus, how will it look in the court process that another one of Penelope's therapists is changing/leaving. Like I don't have a stable set treatment program for her. Then with the news of the billing change, how can I continue at all? I had a lot to process.
While I'm thinking of all of this, staring at the ceiling, my mom starts telling the therapist how we had been talking about me getting a cheap apartment in my community so that Penelope can continue to go to school there but still live with her and my dad. Just store my things in this apartment. I'm hearing this thinking "Oh God, please no." Of course the therapist likes this idea. But then, she could have been just being nice to my Mom. She knows that her and Penelope, and her and I, struggle. I don't know. I don't go to these appointments any more! But I got myself back together and got into the conversation. I told her how maybe I can see if the insurance will pay for if it's deemed "Medically Necessary" like the trauma therapy. She said that was a good idea and to try it. She also said that they had already discussed it and the other therapist is going to give us 1 1/2 hours to get everything in. Don't get me wrong, just because I'm upset by the lead therapist leaving, doesn't mean I don't have all the faith in the world in the other therapist it's just the lead therapist has been my go-to person. MY support. Not that she doesn't have her faults. But we've been through a lot in the last 20 months. She has been a huge part in saving Penelope's life. I'm just glad we still have the other therapist. I don't know where we would be without them. It never occurred to me that we could lose either one of them. They have been such an important part of our support team, like family.
Just a lot on my mind.
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