Thanksgiving

I can think of many things I can be thankful for. My dad, my mom, Penelope, my ability to offer Penelope the help she needs, my twin brother and his family, my friends even though I avoid them like the plague anymore, Penelope's school and the people in her life that care for her and support her, and my cats too I guess. I'm more thankful for these things now than I've ever been. I am suppose to include my health but I don't think I really have that too much anymore. There are other things but if I don't have them, then I can't put them on the list. This is suppose to be the holiday we are thankful for things we have. But, honestly, I'm having a hard time looking at things as half full, rather than half empty. I wish that my life turned out so much differently. It's not healthy to think that way because life is what it is. What can I do about it is what I should be thinking. I just feel totally unable to do anything about it. I fight for the things I believe are for the best and are the right thing to do. But then I just feel constantly criticized by the people that I love. I tell them how I feel, what I need, my worries, how I'm trying to deal with them, and I don't get any support from it. It's never "What can I do to help you?" It's "Yeah, I understand.... well, I gotta go." That's my twin brother or my dad. My mom tries to either tell what to do different, or try to one up me. That's when she doesn't need to go too. When I tell her that I just need her to listen and support me, she tells me how she has given up everything for me and Penelope. She carries a lot of guilt around and has a hard time dealing with the things I say.
But every once a while, one of these people comes through and listens so I continue to crave that interaction but it's far and few between. I need someone to talk to who can help carry this burden with me and my family are not those people. I feel so alone in this.
Really my total depression while writing this blog was sparked by my mother's revelation early today that my dad thinks I'm controlling. Typically this would just piss me off for a few minutes but I just am so tired of fighting.. or worrying about anything anymore. I just think sometimes that I can't do this anymore. I give up! I want to call my dad and ask him why he thinks I'm controlling. What am I doing wrong?

I started writing this post a couple of days ago and was so miserably depressed I stopped writing and had my little meltdown. During it, I tried to analyze why my mother told me what she did as well as why I was in such a deep funk. I have to look at the context of the conversation I was having with her to get a good read about where she was coming from. She had called me pissed off at me. Once again. I have offered to make Thanksgiving Dinner this year, at her house, but still. I needed to ask her a question about it but she couldn't talk when I called, but called me later to find out what I needed. She happened to have George in the car with her when she called but I didn't know that at the time. She was pissed at me for talking to her about Thanksgiving in front of George when he isn't able to be there. She was also pissed at George because he has been borrowing her car because his has been down on and off for about 2 months now - and they had a blow up about his lack of consideration for her needs over her car and been living on her couch messing up the house a few nights a week. On top of that, my dad has been getting on her about helping to get the house ready for Thanksgiving. So, she turns all this stress she is dealing with and dumps it on me.
But I also pissed her off being I vetoed her idea of going to a nearby family hotel/indoor water rides/restaurant/game room for Thanksgiving. For whatever reason (to make life harder I believe), she doesn't want to "share" my twin brother and his family on Thanksgiving with my sister-in-laws family. My mom hates/loathes her mother. They are having their Thanksgiving meal at 1pm which would be perfect for them to have it with us at like 6pm. But, no. So we are having it on Friday so we can spend more time with them. But Friday is a big football game day and my dad, my twin brother, his wife and her dad are all going to the game. They won't be able to make it to my parents' house until 4:30-5:00 anyway. So my mom has offered for myself, Penelope and her to watch my niece and nephew while they are gone all day at the game. My brother plans on dropping the little ones (3 and 4 1/2) at my mom's at 7am Friday. So Penelope and I have to stay the night Thursday night. But because my mom wants Penelope to do something special ON Thanksgiving, she wanted to do the big outing. But, financially, we are so strapped. George found out his and Penelope's insurance is being cancelled effective the end of the month. I don't have insurance. So I'm waiting to get something from the state for her because of her RAD. Also, there is something to do with social security she could be eligible for. But in the interim, some of her meds may need to be refilled and she may not have coverage and her pills are $1,000 roughly per month. I'm still trying to find employment with absolutely no success so my expenses, which I limit to the bare necessities, are paid for by my parents. It really rubs me the wrong way that my mom bitches about the fact that she is now on a budget because of me and how hard that is, but just got back from a Florida vacation with a friend, drops hundrends of dollars here and there for her hair, nails, getting her dogs bathed, new clothes, gifts for people just because, and I'm in a position where I may need to get rid of my house, move Penelope and I into a different community uprooting her when she has such a great network of support here. It just pisses me off. And this was another example where she wants to spend money we, as a family, just don't have! I told her that they are way over priced, and I know that I personally wouldn't have any fun but would be sick to my stomach the entire time because of how much it costs. When things are better, sure we can go do that, but not now. So, she also told me that my vetoing this outing pissed her off because anything she comes up with I turned down. She doesn't know why (even though I specifically told her, and her response to it was "Well, not spending the money would make your dad happy." No shit, he knows we can't afford it either) whether or not it's because Penelope isn't strong enough to handle it or not. I told her (again) why, and that Penelope would probably love it, minus the end when her money runs out in the game room and she makes us all miserable with how it sucks we can't stay longer and why can't she have more money etc. Anyway, she was mad about that too. And that I last week, after Penelope's band concert, tried to talk to her about the fact that her and dad being 20 minutes late upset Penelope to tears - with her abandonment issues, she was afraid they weren't coming and that was really hard on her despite all my efforts to tell her otherwise. She was mad that I got on her case about it because she had to meet a client to pick up a form. My dad already ratted her out because her "client" was her friend from vacation and they had dinner.I wasn't going to get into the details with her until she tried to say that her lateness was out of her control because of this work-related event she had to do. But I had a hard time letting it go then since both Penelope's parents have always had excuses for why they did what they did including being late or not showing up at all. So I had to call her out. She said "I didn't have dinner, I had a salad." okay.... So, here she is all pissed at me for alllllll these reasons. And somewhere during the conversation when we were discussing how I pissed her off discussing Thanksgiving in front of George and I had told her I found this great recipe for roasting a few seasoned turkey breasts instead of making one big bird, she cut me off and said "No. I want a whole turkey." When I tried to ask why, she said she jumped me about forgetting George in that there needs to be leftovers for him. I told her that there would still be plenty of food, same amount with a whole turkey, just easier to cook and all that. Everything I found seemed really difficult and all the tools needed would be expensive overall so I was trying to be creative. She didn't care and said she wanted a whole turkey. I said "Fine, I'll just have dad order our dinner from the grocery store then." My goal was to stay close to how much they typically spend when they've been ordering the meal from the grocery store and supplementing it with a couple things. But I wanted to make it so it didn't taste like what it was - dinner heated up in the microwave. Just stay in the same range cost-wise. That was the question I called to ask, "How much did you spend on that ready made meal?" But the reason she jumped me was because I was talking to her about it with George right there. How am I suppose to know he was there? The other issue was that I again was pointing out that it wasn't a good idea to spend a lot of money, and she gets down right childish when you tell her "No." about spending money. So she told me that my dad said I was controlling.
Okay, so I still, after trying to figure out where this was coming from at least acknoledged that she was saying it to hurt my feelings because she was pissed at me, still wanted to call my dad to find out why he thinks I'm controlling and what I did wrong. Just because she was using it as a weapon doesn't mean my dad didn't actually say it. I know that I had talked to my dad earlier and he was at the end of his rope with everything and he doesn't need to have to mediate my mom and I arguing on top of it. I was afraid to call him and have that conversation because I was pretty upset - devestated that he would say that about me or feel that way, and I know it hurts him to hear me that upset, but also that he was already stressed about everything to put that on him too.
So I called my twin brother. I needed to talk to someone. I was in a very dark place and I just want it to end. To not feel so hopeless and have all this guilt on my shoulders when I feel it's not justified. We talked for a while about several things related to Penelope and George and mom. I told him how mom told me dad said I am controlling and I'm not sure how so. He told me that he feels I'm controlling because I control the Penelope. That I "hover" over Penelope too much. This wasn't helping. But we kept it constructive. I told him that I understand how an outsider can see it from that perspective. But the thing is, is that Penelope is not normal. She has a lot of problems. I hover from one person's persepective but I'm too laid back from another's. The thing is, is that he and George are the only ones in our family that haven't seen Penelope at her worst or sees her bad behaviors because she is usually the perfect princess in front of them. Once in a while she will act out but only to the extent she looks immature and bratty, not sick. He doesn't understand how her brain works, what it needs, and how that is different than most kids. I worry about not allowing her to benefit from independence, free thinking, be creative, not to censor her, and that is a battle that comes with every situation differently. But this is where I have a problem with him having that perspective. I tried to educate him on how she is doing, things that go on, what she is dealing with. I tell him these things not to vent, but so he understands why I make the decisions I do on her behalf. BECAUSE he has an opinion. But because he isn't involved in it, he really doesn't understand.Most of the time he tells me that I don't need to go into the details but then still has an opinion. So, why can't he just say "I really don't know and understand what's going on. But you, my sister, who I feel is relatively intelligent and have obviously done a lot of right things for Penelope because her improvement is very apparent - keep doing whatever you are doing because I have faith in you as a person to do the right thing. Instead, because even though we can all agree that Penelope's needs come first, there are more personal needs that conflict with Penelope's, I get critized made to feel guilty for how my decisions impact you all. He tried to say that he means controlling in a good way, because it's not that I'm doing something wrong, it's just that I'm controlling Penelope. I pointed out that as parents we all control our kids by making decisions on their behalf and tell them they can or can't do something. But people don't go around saying "That person is controlling, just because they are parenting." He claims I don't understand but I think he was trying to be too political and painted himself in a corner. But, regardless, it helped to just talk about it. Before that conversation, I was ready to just call up my dad and throw up my hands. Not about what he may or may not have said alone but just finally crumbling under the pressure of my family for me to make Penelope be past this. I was going to tell him that it was totally up to him if George comes to Thanksgiving. I won't be upset if he is. I'm just not going to make that decision anymore. I can't deal with the burden of it anymore.
I did eventually call my dad, after about 3 hours. He was in the process of picking up George to take him somewhere. I told him that I think mom isn't mad at me anymore and I made up with her - so he didn't have to worry about that. But I did want to ask him about something she said but since he's with George it's probably not a good time. He wanted to know what it was. I told him. I said "I just wanted to find out, if it was true, why he felt that way. What I was doing wrong." He just said "She said that, did she? Huh. Don't worry kiddo, you are not doing anything wrong." He didn't deny saying it, but I'm not going to worry about it anymore. He is the only person in my family, for the most part who does support me by having faith in my ability to make good decisions for Penelope and even though, has an opinion here and there about things, recognizes that even when he may think I'm making a mistake, it ends up being the right decision and have a positive outcome that on occasion has changed his opinion.
But, this Thanksgiving sucks big time. And because my mom, who called ME controlling, doesn't want to share Thanksgiving with her son's mother-in-law, has pushed it back until Friday, but still wants to make a day out of Thanksgiving for Penelope so we have finally decided on going to see Old Dogs at the theater and do a light dinner back and having to spend the night since the little ones will be there bright and early Friday morning so everyone else can go to the football game. It's turned into a 2 full day event.
Then, yesterday, George wanted to know when he was suppose to come for Thanksgiving. But my mom was under the impression he was spending Thanksgiving with some friends at his hangout and was avoiding the family. But she threw out Saturday to him. So now it's a 3 day event on their end. But then YESTERDAY, coincidentally after I emailed George about Penelope wanting to know if he could make his "famous" cornbread she loves so she could have it on Thanksgiving, he called my mom and cancelled Saturday. He agreed, and actually already made the cornbread, but as he said "Don't want to be last." I think he either didn't hear my mom or it pissed him off that I knew, that the plan for Saturday was to chomp on leftovers. I had told him to make his regular amount for her and he could have what's left with the rest of the leftovers. Mom wanted him to only make a single serving for Penelope because she wanted to make the cornbread.
When I found out about him cancelling, I emailed him to find out if I had pissed him off.He didn't respond right away so I called him. He was full of excuses so it was pretty clear he was feeling bad. But then he had to go. So I called my mom and told her about my conversation with him. I won't feel guilty and I'm sad that he isn't doing anything - not guilt but because I was glad he was spending it with friends who can help him find a different source of identity and self worth other than burdening Penelope with it. But I offered for him to take Thanksgiving. It's really her need to have Penelope have family time on Thanksgiving but we are doing it on Friday. Penelope is really not going to care. After my mom let go of her need to do it for Penelope, my dad talked to George and he agreed to spend the day with them. So Penelope and I are not holiday-ing it today. We are playing games and doing whatever we want. So I was able to shorten our thanksgiving as well as have George get his time so people can get off my back about it some. Oh, and I'm not making a whole turkey, I'm making two of them. They are smaller so they will be easier not to make it fried out like the store makes them. And I'm still in budget. Barely but it will be good.

I think I'm kinda going crazy (more than normal)

It's the holidays... they started at Halloween really. At least in our house I guess. I've never really been big into the holidays. I like the break from school/work depending on what stage in life I am at. I hate Christmas shopping but love giving gifts. I don't really care about receiving them, unless someone gets me something that is a piece of crap - not from the heart. Or at least a gift that is saying that there is no love there. It's always been like that from George growing up. Depending on when he gets around to shopping, he does his Christmas shopping at the checkout lane in the local grocery store, or Walgreens.
Anyway, Penelope is all about holidays and birthdays and anything remotely related. Since this is holiday season, she has a lot of anxiety. She is regressing big time. Her coping ability is running around 30%-50% right now. Not good. Everything, EVERYTHING, she wants to turn into a battle. I'm doing my best to hold it together.
Then, on top of that - both her parents want to see her. George is being quiet, maybe patient. He knows it isn't happening for Thanksgiving. I was trying to figure out the best schedule for everyone for Thanksgiving taking that into consideration. But I found out that he already made plans to celebrate Thanksgiving at his favorite restaurant/bar that he hands out in. He doesn't plan on spending it with any of his family. I'm not really sure if that is him having a tatrum or if he just can't handle being around any of his family if he can't see Penelope. I knew that my other brother really wanted to have Thanksgiving with George and Penelope together. We had a fight over that because he was dismissing Penelope's needs for the sake of having all his family together. So, when the decision was made, I made a point to call him to let him know that we weren't having Thanksgiving together - and why. That I also wanted it to happen, to have Penelope past this point in her healing etc. That was two weeks ago. I've seen him twice since then and everything seemed fine. But I've heard through the grapevine that he is upset by it. I've tried to call him twice but he hasn't returned my calls. Then about 4 days ago, my mom straight out asked me if George could come to Thanksgiving. I said no, and again, explained why. Then two days ago, right after my dad got done driving George to his therapy session and home, he wanted to know if we were going about this all wrong. "Maybe Penelope needs to see her dad more often to not have anxiety. That the reason she is having all these problems when she sees him is because she doesn't see him very often. Maybe she should see him weekly. Like have him pick her up from school once a week." Are you F-ing kidding me?? That sounded like it came out of George and his therapist's mouth. So after a couple of deep breaths I asked my dad if he remembers why we decided to have Penelope stop seeing George? He couldn't remember. I reminded him. I told him "I know that you and I don't talk about this end of what is going on with Penelope. But there has been a lot that has come out. You have to remember that both Harriet AND George abused Penelope." I explained it more detail and he seemed to get it. But I recognize this is had on the family. And they are looking to me for justification. I have to shoulder that burden in addition to... just everything else.
Harriet wants to see Penelope. I talked to Penelope's therapists on Thursday. They are afraid to piss her off and send her running to court so they want to let Penelope see Harriet. We talked about it in great detail - the concerns. Because Harriet is in total denial that she has hurt Penelope in any capacity. Any pain she has caused have been blown out of proportions and are not her fault anyway. My concern is what she will say or do in front of Penelope. How Penelope is going to cope with having her there when she has so much fear and anger towards her. So, what I recommended is that there be a pre-visit meeting with Harriet and the therapists. The therapists want Harriet's mom to come as well. I don't see that happening for a number of reasons. But they want Harriet to allow Penelope to speak her mind, her anger, without Harriet trying to defend herself. They also want Harriet to tell Penelope that she will be living with me permenantly and that's what's best. She also has to tell her that she messed up and it's not Penelope's fault and ask for forgivness. I don't see this meeting go well, so we suspect she won't show for a visit with Penelope because she won't be able to handle it.
I've also struggling with where Penelope is in her healing process. I mean, behaviorally she was getting better, coping better. And her bioneurofeedback does wonders to help her with that. But to address her feelings about what has happened to her in her life. I know she is thinking a lot about it. She talks about things frequently. She talks about then like nothing was wrong with what happened. She talks about them at inappropriate times. She wants to talk about them. But not with her ATs really. When we do talk in our group, we usually only have about 15-20 minutes and it's like pulling teeth and according to Penelope everything is for the most part "fine." I know I have to do a lot of the talking with Penelope. I just don't know what to say!
My cat had flees a couple of weeks ago and I treated all three cats just in case. Penelope kept talking about when she lived with her dad the house had flees and things about that. It was a lot worse than that actually but it triggered her. We talked about it and she revealed some new information that, if true, fits everything we already know. She said that Charlene (the grandmother religious figure that watched her a lot) had offered to have her stay at her house for a couple of weeks so dad could take care of getting the house in order. She washed all the clothes dad dropped off and treated all Penelope's wounds from the flea bites all over. When the house was still bad off, Charlene offered to have Penelope stay for a couple of months. She asked Penelope if she'd want to come live with her. But George wouldn't let that happen. Penelope remembers shortly later that Harriet called CPS on him. It was disgusting! I don't blame her. I don't know why she didn't call sooner. She'd been out there every other week in that mess but one day she called. She commented to him how bad it was and George offered her money to clean it. Both George and Penelope (because it was George's opinion I'm sure) were mad at Harriet for calling CPS because she was paid to clean it. Anyway, I told her it wasn't right for their house to be so dirty. But that I remembered her bed being broken where there was no way she was sleeping on it. She said she wasn't. She was sleeping with Daddy. I said that her toys were everywhere on the floor. She said that once in a while she would get home from school (her last year with him) and he had cleaned her room. But usually it was really messy. It was so messy that she couldn't get to her dresser to get her clothes so Daddy started keeping her clothes in his dresser and she would just get ready in there. Ugh!
I've been doing a big of reading on Convert Incest (Emotional Incest) and it is exactly what has gone down in their household. But everything I read is about what it is, and how these kids, as adults end up with dysfunctional relationships, have intamcy issues, a lot becoming sex addicts, but how their life is pre-occupied by sex. Penelope already has that problem. But she is only 12. What can I do now to help her establish the right mind set to have healthy relationships with her peers and the opposite sex? Her therapists treat her for reactive attachment disorder and they are the ones who identified the emotional incest/abuse but I don't think that is something they know a lot of to address. She needs her AT but I want to figure out what to do about her unhealthy relationship with her dad. ESPECIALLY since she is going to start seeing him soon. Everything I read is addressing an audience who has come to the realization how unhealthy this type of parent/child dynamic it is. Penelope says she "knows now" because we have discussed that certain things he did were not okay, but she still sees her Daddy is the perfect prince.
Am I being too unrealistic to fret over these issues? Should I just think "It could be worse?" Should I just cope with the day to day and not worry about the future? Am I being too much of a perfectionist to my own demise.. again? Can someone tell me where the off switch is to my head? I need a drink.

Still not sure what to do about Harriet.

I talked to Penelope's therapist today briefly. She received my message about Harriet wanting to see Penelope for Christmas and be back in life. She said that her initial reaction is to tell her no, but she fears that if she took the case to court, a judge would award visitations. So we might have to just suck it up and let her see Penelope.
Maybe I'm too idealist, but how is this fair? I mean, I know life isn't fair but when do the rights of a parent outweigh the health of the child? Only when it's life threatening? Is suicide considered life threatening in a court? Or does the threatening of life have to come from the parent? But maybe, since the child isn't holding a knife to her chest now, it's not an emergency situation and the mother can see her - but the moment the child attempts suicide, then we can file for visitations to stop. But by then, I'm sure someone has removed the knife from the child's hand and he/she is no longer in harms way which would make the emergency hearing no longer an emergency and the mother can see the child? Do you see where I'm going here? Am I being a little overdramatic? Maybe, but it didn't take much to put Penelope in that place before, and we know it could happen again. But, I guess the issue I'm trying to address is whether when the safety of the child with a parent is being evaluated, is it assumed all kids are mentally healthy and can cope with their parents' "idiosyncrasies" which may not be considered abuse in normal senses, but emotionally devastating for this particular child?
Inconsistent visitations by their mother, I'm sure is painful for any child. But for one with Reactive Attachment Disorder, who has learned to not form attachments/bond due to the continual rejection/neglect, it's just re-traumatizing, over and over and over again. It's torture!
So, here we are in a situation where we have to determine how to best move forward with the least amount of harm to Penelope because of her mother's need to see her. It's easy to get mad and say she is doing this because she should want to see her, versus she actually does want to see her. I'm sure she wants to see her daughter and it's hard on her. But, shouldn't children come first, then the adults in these matters? It's not about what I want, it's not about what Harriet wants - and honestly, it's not about what Penelope wants, but what is best for her that should matter here.
Of the little I know about Family Law and parental rights, I know that the push is to keep families together. I know it's not a perfect system, like most things, but we are talking about children and their futures. Are we talking about keeping them alive or about giving them every possible chance at a normal healthy life? Not be a "statistic" - teen pregnancy, drugs, STDs, crime and jail. Create a legacy of mental health issues to pass on to their children, a legacy of being part of a culture dependent on government assistance. Where is the line between the importance of keeping families together/parents' rights and giving a child a chance? "Where ever the judge draw the lines."
I'm not good about working within issues of discretion - leaving such significant issues up to the experience, knowledge and current mood of one particular person trying to interpret vague laws. In my line of work I have dealt with an adjudication system and when I first started, hearing the words "The chance of winning really depends on who the hearing officer is" was so infuriating. But it is so true. Unless you have an extremely airtight case, it really depends on who you get. There is also a huge political factor. What is the reputation of who is representing you... representing the other side? Attorneys can't give gifts or pay for meals and things but they can be "friendly." Be social. Play golf and what other rubbing elbow activities they do. Is that how it is in Family Court too?
I have lots of worries and questions - over things I have no control over. See, the thing is, I'm not totally against Harriet and Penelope having a highly supervised sitdown in a theaupudic setting. I think there would be a backlash but I also think there could be some progression in her healing process by going through it and coming out the other end. Penelope to see for herself how she really feels. Maybe that's me trying to come to terms with the posibility of it happening, and hoping the backlash/regression isn't severe. I tend to forget that Molly regresses to her 3 year old state for a few days just from getting a greeting card from Harriet. When Harriet writes "I love you and miss you" there is violence on top of the regression.
But the thing is, Harriet doesn't just want to see her, she wants her "back in my life." That means more than just a visit. She wants to see her regularly. Something that she couldn't handle in the 10 years she didn't have physical custody of her - dispite all the efforts made to try to accomodate all her excuses as to why she couldn't see her regularly. It wasn't ordered by a court by Penelope's psychiatrist said Harriet needs to seek therapy before she sees Penelope again, to stop doing these extremely hurtful things. Besides her rebuttal in the beginning, she never said she wouldn't go or didn't want to go. She "can't." It's out of her control so she says. She can't find the location (reschedule?), she can't go downtown (I've seen her downtown btw - plus, if it's an issue, why make an appointment downtown?), and just other excuses. It's easy, and I have several times, gotten mad because of this - but maybe her anxieties are that bad that she can't step foot in therapists office and address her issues. So what do you do then?
And on top of that, how does she think it's going to go with Penelope? She is not the same child anymore. And I don't mean, she's now older and bigger. I mean, when she was in the hospital during that second stay, after her mom cancelled/postponed her scheduled visits for almost 2 months, she snapped. She is not the same daughter who tiptoed around her mother, afraid to say something or do something that would upset her mother and make her reject her (ie. shorten visit, cancel next, take off), and to an extent try to entertain her mother. Harriet could have brought homemade cupcakes made with salt instead of sugar and Penelope would have ate the whole thing telling her how wonderful it was and that it's the best cupcake she has ever tasted. I believe that Penelope will be very distant from Harriet, maybe make some snide remarks, maybe even (which would help Penelope in her healing) tell Harriet how hurt she is. Can Harriet handle that? Can she be strong and allow Penelope to do what she needs to do to heal and forgive? I don't think so. In Harriet's mind, it's about herself, not about Penelope. Even in the time she hasn't seen Penelope, she has flip-flopped on if she even wants to be a part of Penelope's life because of how hard it's been to not see her when she wants to. Last Christmas, Harriet went and met with Penelope's therapists because she wanted to see Penelope and after the therapists explained what was going on with Penelope, why it wasn't best for her to see Harriet, and unjudgementally discuss with her why therapy would help their relationship. The therapists said Harriet left in tears saying she might as well just never see Penelope again, not because of guilt, but because she knew it would probably be a while before she'd get to see her and that's all that she really wants. Harriet never took accountability for her actions, even though she admitted to doing them - but it was always for a good reason. Locking Penelope in her room while Harriet slept until the early afternoon from being up all night on the internet was to keep Penelope safe from getting hurt. "What was I suppose to do, let her run?" That's what she told the therapists after denying it to her mother and I. I have taken her child away from her because I am a bitch and want to hurt Harriet because I don't like her. I have done this to her, she didn't do it to herself. She doesn't see she did anything wrong, so what is there to prevent her from hurting her again with her promises and inconsistent messages? She has "the right" for another chance - even though she was given so many chances over the past 10 years to be there for Penelope.
Ugh..

No Visitation Bio Mom and Dad!

My last post had to do with George's therapist referring Penelope to a psychologist she knows even though Penelope has attachment therapists we were with. It was an obvious reaction to whatever horrible things George has been telling her about Penelope's therapists - since they support Penelope not having visitations until she is emotionally strong enough. However, with all the game-playing that was being tried, I took the high road and didn't get all pissy or yell like I wanted to. I did share with George that I was trying to see if Penelope was ready to have a visit before Thanksgiving. She has been doing fairly well, being consistently good and relatively responsible. Close to "normal" and I thought she might be ready. Her grade at her school was going to a YMCA Camp for 2 1/2 days and that was going to be emotionally difficult for her but we think she can do it. We expect some recourse, but as long as she bounces back that following week, we could schedule a short surpervised visit. And if that goes well - visit and afterwards, then we could do Thanksgiving. But I don't know, we need to see. I didn't tell him earlier because of how he gets his hopes up. He didn't really react but I knew that's all he really wanted.
Unfortunetly, Penelope didn't bounce back and still hasn't. I won't go into all the details but she hasn't had this hard of a time for a couple of months. It's not horrible - violent or death stuff, just a lot of things that relate to hypersensitivity and anxiety. She cries a lot right now. And bossy. Everything is 100 times harder than it used to be to accomplish. Oh, and the regression in articulation and grammer. She likes to talk like a 4 year old.
Even though he "announced" to our mother that he was going to be seeing Penelope on Saturday (today), I called him yesterday and told him the bad news. I think he cried but I'm not sure. He gets really quiet when that happens. I feel bad for the situation, not necessarily him but that Penelope isn't there yet. I hope it for her - I want to get past this part of our journey, but if she isn't ready, she isn't ready! Other than that, he seemed to take it okay.
But then the next day, I get an email from Harriet: "How's everything going? How is Penelope? I was hoping we could work out something for Christmas. Even if I have to drive to Dayton to see her with her therapist I would. Please. I'm begging you. It's been over a year since I've even spoken to her. Please, let me have my daughter back in my life.-Harriet"
I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this email. So much goes through my mind. The fact that there is a formal letter from the hospital psychiatrist that treated Penelope the two times she was in the hospital that says that Harriet should see her until she completes therapy to address the issues she has that causes her to continue to abuse Penelope, and then once Penelope is also ready, they are to meet with a family therapist who will eventually determine visitation parameters. That was at Penelope's discharge the second hospital stay in September 2008. But, Harriet hasn't had any therapy, doesn't think she needs it, and has denied denied denied she has harm Penelope in any way, other than leaving Penelope with George when she left. She denies that she locked Penelope in her room so she can sleep in, even though she did admit it to Penelope's attachment therapists. She said it was to keep her safe so she didn't roam the house. But honestly that's not the issue, it's the trauma. The issue is that Harriet historically can't meet her obligations as her birth mother. Not that mothering stuff, she's been replaced (me). But that the little bit of responsibility given to her in the past, one day every other weekend, she can't bring herself to do. She would either cancel, schedule it late and/or leave early. Always full of excuses. For Penelope they are all demonstrations of the lack of love Harriet has for her AND what a horrible child she must be to make her mom not love her. She kissed the ground Harriet walked on and never said anything negative, always trying to please and entertain her during her visits, so she wouldn't leave. But nothing Penelope ever did was good enough and Harriet would have to leave early to return a movie at the rental store, or run an errand before dinner or whatever. So, if she somehow forces her visit in Christmas, then she will force regular visits, but since she hasn't addressed any of her issues, still in total denial and is obviously playing this victim role, it's all going to happen again. When Penelope ended up in the hospital the first time and the doctor stated this inconsistency was very bad for Penelope, Harriet told her mother that it was because George was trying to touch her inapproapriately and she didn't feel comforatable around him. But since George's time with Penelope was shorten to one day a weekend visits instead of every entire weekend, I became the supervisor. So regardless if it was true or not (not) it was a moot issue. I promised not to touch her inappropriately. It will be hard..... I crack myself up. Anyway, I figured that Harriet will either shape up and it won't be an issue anymore, or she will go back to her old ways but with no excuses. She went back to her old ways, she'd have no excuses anymore. But what also happened is the shit hit the fan. The last time Penelope talked to Harriet, it was the first time Penelope had EVER said anything confrontational to Harriet. She called Harriet a liar. This was after Harriet had taken off for the last time (that we are aware of) on the day of Penelope's visitation so she didn't see her but said she would come to visit when she could. That living situation didn't work out so she was back in town living with a friend but never called to reschedule her visit. Long story short, Penelope found out from Harriet's mom that she has been back in town for a while and hadn't tried to call. For Penelope, besides the fact she lied about wanting to see her, it also was proof that all the times Harriet told Penelope "I love you" that she was lying. So she called her a liar. Very direct but not very explantory. Shocking that an 11 year old who is confronting someone she is completely scared for the first time would have communication issues. A few days later, Penelope ended up in the hospital and so on.
But I have to log the history of attempts Harriet has made to go to therapy in the past 16 months she hasn't seen her. I don't remember off the top of my head exactly when each of these occurred but I'm sure they are in this blog throughout. I do know general timeline but definitly the order.

• After the hospital stay, I communicated the information on the letter and supplied a copy of it to Harriet and her mother. I offered to contact Services in my community that would provide therapy for free, since it is related to Penelope who is a residence of this area. She declined.
• About 6 months later Harriet told me she was on a waiting list with a mental health facility she is suppose to go to.
• About 3 months after that Harriet informs me that she received a call from the mental health facility and that they told her she doesn't need therapy and she wanted to know when she'd get to see Penelope. After some questions, she stated that they just said that there were other people with worse situations that needed there help more so they couldn't help her. I explained that the letter wasn't contingent on whether or not Harriet could find a therapist. I offered again the Service organization. She said that she didn't need them because she has insurance. She would just call them to find someone.
  
• About a month later I asked her how therapy was going and she said she hadn't seen anyone yet but that she was thinking of going to the same organization Penelope get's her therapy, but the office here in town. I said that is great. Nothing came of it.
• About 2 months after that, George tells me that Harriet called him out of the blue and asked him if he knew where Tri-County was. Mind you, where we are from, everyone knows where that is, especially someone from her neighborhood since it was only like 10 minutes away. She was on her way to her first therapy appointment. She ended up not going because she got lost.
• About 3 months after that, after I asked how therapy was going (since my last conversation was that she was calling and setting up an appointment). She said that she couldn't go because it was downtown. Understand that she is on to another new therapist, this one wasn't the one she told me about. I asked her why she couldn't go and she said "I have issues with going downtown" like a phobia. She said "It's something I need therapy for." At this point it's ridiculous. Okay, actually it's beyong ridiculous. Of the alledged appointments she made, she never made it to any of them. But that was the last I had heard.
  

I feel like she was just holding out, waiting - assuming that eventually so much time will go by I will cave and say it's okay to see her. My concern is that she is right and regardless what Penelope's doctor said, Harriet has waited long enough and she can get to see her. I'm just tired of the attacks by her and her mother. I try to keep peace and be nice and accomodating while keeping Penelope first. Penelope is so scared of Harriet, she doesn't want to see her. Harriet's grandmother even though loves Penelope, puts Harriet first. She admits that. She doesn't like to see her daughter in pain and no one will support her so she does. Even though Harriet lies as much as George, and her mom knows it, she still comes at me with all this crap. "Why do you treat my daughter like a second class citizen??" I do? She denies Penelope's illness, denies that Harriet did anything wrong to her and blames George and even me. George was an abusive dad, but I've made Penelope sick by telling her horrible things about Harriet.
I need professional advice on what to do. If anyone reads this and has experience with the court system regarding children's welfare, please let me know what you think. I am the legal guardian and have been for 4 years this past August. There isn't a court order about visitation or that either parent is unfit. I did the guardianship through an attorney with the parents consent. Penelope was symptomatic before I gained guardianship but we were ignorant that it wasn't more than an unruly child. She was diagnosed 1 1/2 years after she came to stay with me. Several different people said that once these children are in a loving and stable environment, they let their guard down and they get "worse" because they have learned to trust you enough to know that after they beat or threaten you, you are not going to leave or neglect them like their parents. I had to put that in there because one of Harriet's contentions is that Penelope didn't get "sick" until she was with me - like I caused it. But she is a ton better - but I'm not helping her get stronger so she can be all messed up again by her parents! I don't know how much power I have in this situation. I'm doing want to cut off my nose to spite my face and do something I shouldn't.

Ballsy Smurf!

It's almost comical. But when I really think about it, it pisses me off. These types of things are why I have become so cynical. I try to go into a situation and assume the best, but it's hard when shit like this happens. People and their agendas.
I received a text message from George to give him a call. Know that George and I hardly speak - it just makes things easier. Our parents keep him up to date with what goes on with Penelope. So I call him. He sounds excited as he just got done with his therapy session. I originally thought he was talking about his physical therapy and he had good news about his workers' comp injury. Oh, no no no.. not the case. He is still going to his therapist who is helping him with the issues he is having from not getting to see Penelope. His therapist has a name of a psychologist that Penelope should go to. He wanted to give me the person's name and number for me to call. He wasn't asking me what I thought, or if I would - he was telling me to. I had a lot of questions - generally WTF! and even though my knee-jerk reaction was to yell I didn't. When I asked why she was referring Penelope to another therapist, if this therapist is suppose to replace Penelope's attachment therapists or to be in addition to them, he hmm-hawd (sp?) and started to say "Penelope still has anxieties" but then stopped and said he didn't know like this was all out of his control and he didn't have an opinion about it. I asked him if it was his idea or his therapists idea. He seemed relieved by this question - like it was his out. He said "It was her idea." I said, "I guess I need to call your therapist to find out what this is all about then." He hesitated on that thought but didn't try to stop me. But before I was to get off the phone, he insisted I write down the name and number. Yeah, like it doesn't matter to him - right.
So I call his therapist. Her name is Marion. She is this very short petite old lady who teases the shit out of what hair she has left on her head making her look like a bobble head. She is so old school with her "What would you like to talk about today?" it's no wonder that she doesn't question George's crap and buys it for it's face value. She is also so fake in her politeness. My call is connected with her and I tell her "I just talked to George and he said that you gave him a name and number for a psychologist Penelope should go to... but he doesn't know why and said that it was your idea." Is that putting her on the spot and throwing George under the bus at the same time? I hope so. She stuttered a little but covered for George and said that she knows this psychologist and it came to her that he would be able to help Penelope. I said "But Penelope already has two therapists AND a psychiatrist." She pointed out that she knows the psychiatrist is only for the pills and stressed that her guy is a doctor, not a LISW like the ATs and that he is in the city, so we wouldn't have to travel so far away. So, obviously, that answers one of my question - this guy is suppose to replace the attachment therapists. I told her that the distance isn't an issue. When I went looking for attachment therapists, I couldn't find any very close, but a few months ago I came across one that is like 10 minutes from my house. We still do the hour drive because the distance isn't a deal breaker for us. We have done a lot of work with them, and we have made a lot of progress. She pointed out AGAIN that this guy is a PhD Psychologist - "more qualified." I asked her "So are you saying that her therapists are qualified to provide her the help that she needs?" She says, "I'm not saying that, I just know he can (and I wrote this down so I had it verbatim) give her what she needs to bring out her issues to resolution." I said, "So you don't feel that Penelope's issues are being addressed to resolution?" She says "I'm not saying that. In my opinion, if it were me, I would want what is best for Penelope. And (again, wrote it down) in my opinion you should definitely give it a good try with a psychotherapist for a considerable amount of time. She needs psychotherapy." I told her that Penelope has had several psychotherapists, even Psychologists, over the years and they never helped and she only got worse. Her therapists now are the first to really help her. She has improved so much. She says "I heard she is better, getting good grades and all that, but he's a doctor that has worked with lots of kids like Penelope." I said "So he works with kids with reactive attachment therapy? Kids that have been abused and neglected?" She said "I don't know what their diagnosis are but he has worked with kids that have been abused and neglected. And these kid really like him. He is very popular." Not that I was actually considering it, but that was it for me. It's not a popularity contest. Penelope doesn't go "Yeah! It's Thursday and I get to go see my therapists!" She is questioned and held accountable. They are caring and empathetic but they don't let her run the show or just tell her what she wants to hear. They tell her the truth. Something you can measure everything else against, something stable and finite, something you can rely on. The truth.
I wanted to yell again - but what does that help. Maybe it would have made me feel better, but my yelling at her would just make me out to be the crazy irrational little sister George likes to paint me out to be and maybe only fuel Ms. Therapist's motives to support George's crap that he has fed her. So I didn't yell at her. EVEN after she said "I just want what is best for Penelope, don't you?" Yeah, I didn't yell at her. I ended the conversation with "I will think about it." She wanted to make sure that if I do decide to call her "friend" to say that she referred us. Something about getting in faster. Whatever. She doesn't want what's best for Penelope. She has never met Penelope! She doesn't know what Penelope needs. She only knows what a big winy bitch George is. She isn't the first person to fall into his little web of "I want I want I want I want!" He is relentless with his crap that most people tend to just give in to make the pain of listening to it stop. Why do you think I used to hang up on him so much!? Because you can't get off the phone with him otherwise, not until you cave. So it's Cave vs. Hang Up. I hang up. In person, you don't have that luxury, which is where he has driven so many of people crazy. There are too many examples to go through.
But my thought is how totally unprofessional is this!? She used to call up Penelope's therapists and "on behalf of George" to try to get them to commit to a scheduled visitation. That was in addition to George calling. Somehow they got her lead therapist to cave and make a committment before talking to me. I was pissed (you can read about it - it was in June). It backfired. Penelope suffered - which in turn meant I suffered. I even went to two of HIS therapy sessions to explain why George doesn't get to see Penelope right now. That's why I know what the old smurf looks like. I explained the history with Harriet and George, and the sexual abuse and the step-mom, and all of it. I explained Penelope's behaviors and events, the regressive and defiant behaviors after seeing George. The sexual video tape she made after the first visit that was pushed on us. Do I know why she regresses and become violent and acts out sexually after seeing her dad? No. I'm not an expert, just the beaten down Aunt/Guardian/Mom. She acted like she understood, but she really didn't. She doesn't understand RAD. Nothing she has ever faced before. But in her eyes, George is suffering so he needs to see his daughter. "She'll get over it." Yeah, she said that. So, from her perspective, because nothing happens at the one hour supervised visits, and seeing her dad wouldn't cause permanent damage, just inflame and prolong her suffering, and eventually she'd get over it, he should get to see her. But after those two visits that were total flops I shut down anymore visits "until she is strong enough" however long that takes. You needed your "let's try and see" and you got it and it went bad. So they've been quiet for 3 months. And then, now this - let's send her to a psychologist because attachment therapy IS working, but not at the speed George or his therapist wants.
It's been one year last week that Penelope has been in Attachment Therapy. I think she has made miraculous progress. To have gone through all that she has and be as emotionally healthy as she currently is, is nothing short of a miracle. The balls. Those are some big smurf balls.
The thing is, and George nor his therapist knew this, but I have plans to have a visitation. I think Penelope may be strong enough. There are some things going on right now, that I want to see how she handles but if they go well, I had already talked to my dad and Penelope's therapists about scheduling a visit. I am not this mean person trying to keep him away from his daughter. But, we have to be careful because it is the beginning of the holiday season. That alone will be hard for her. So we have to do this right so that she has the right support and makes the right coping decisions.
But this kind of crap just speaks volumes to whether George is ready to see his daughter. I did call Penelope's lead AT and told her what happened. She was pissed about Smurf's balls, but also saw the red flags with regards to George being ready. This lady is not helping the situation. So, we are going to bring George into attachment therapy to try to talk some sense into him since this lady has been fueling his agenda.