Perfectionism

The last three weeks have been decent for a change. Penelope has made big efforts to do what she needs to do to be happier - letting go of being in control, reining in her anger when she feels herself getting out of control, and just overall letting love in her heart. I've been trying to let myself enjoy these good moments. But I'm always skeptical of it's seemingly temporary existence. We go to attachment therapy each week these last three and report "good behavior." I make a point, to be as factual as possible, the good and the bad, but her attachment therapists make a point to graze over the the bad and focus on the good. There is good reason for that, she is making great progress. I have to watch my perfection-istic side of me and try to be practical. I can't expect this little girl to all of a sudden be normal.. be healthy. I just want it so bad for her.. and for me.
This whole last year has taken such a mental... and physical too..toll on me. And really before that, but it was about a year ago, come the end of this month when the pandora's box of Penelope's heart cracked wide open ending her in the hospital. It was such a long time ago in the way my mind perceives time since everyday has been different - laying out a new strategic plan each day to get us that much closer to conquering this "enemy." I've always said to myself or maybe once to someone who listens, that I feel like everyday I prepare to go to battle by putting on some invisible body of armor with a big shield. I have to be strategic (political) in my battle plan because if I come too direct, I will lose the things I need to survive. And I need to survive for Penelope to survive. That might sound pretty arrogant but I feel like I'm the only one who can do this for her. I'm the only one who is "perfection-istic" and as uncompromising (as I can seem to tolerate) enough to give her a real chance at a sense of normalcy.
But it's not just her and I in this battle. If it wasn't for my dad, I don't know where we would be. He will once in a while join the battle but mostly, he's the person who provides support - not emotional but in other ways. And it wasn't like that until this last year. Between Penelope's dad and my mom, and that part of him that is the opposite of my perfectionism, his support wavered a lot.
George and Harriet are her parents, and obviously see things differently than I do. Especially Harriet - I'm not really sure how she see things except that she is the victim in this whole thing. I can't stand talking to her even though she has been good about keeping it completely fake and cordual. George seems to get it but he never will entirely. He just is following the rules so he can try to get back into Penelope's life someday. Plus he is my brother and we try to get along, but whenever he brings up the past, we typically fight and I get all hatred again.
My other brother is my "comic relief" even though he's more serious than he was when we were younger, but if it wasn't for his family and the normalcy I get when I'm around them, I would be much more a mess than I am now. He tries to be Switzerland as much as possible which is probably best. He looks at George's situations, putting himself in his shoes as a father and sympathizes even though he holds him just as accountable as I do. I have zero tolerance for sympathy towards George.
Mom adores Penelope of course and only wants what is best for her. But she always seems to have a her own agenda. Maybe not knowingly - but in a selfish way. "Don't tell your dad about that - it makes him sad." or "He's not able to handle that kid of news, let me tell him" but then she wouldn't. Maybe she was worried about how he felt about things but it seemed like she wanted to be the savior - which isn't something she can be here. She gets jealous of the relationship Penelope has with her grandpa. Penelope has never felt the same way towards her. She showers her with gifts to try to buy her love, but as I predicted, it only fuels Penelope's ability to manipulate her which of course causes Penelope to lose respect for her - inevitiably making it impossible for grandma to help her heal.
And it's not like I didn't tell her that it's counterproductive, but it's just part of who she is. The parts of parenting style that are counterproductive are not bad per se. They just don't work for Penelope. Lecturing as a punishment ALWAYS worked for me. I hated HATED being lectured so it detered me from doing things that would make her mad. Penelope hates the lectures too but it just makes her see her grandma as another person that isn't as smart as her. I tell my mom to stop, but she is compelled to - like if she doesn't say something than it will seem like she doesn't care - or maybe that maybe this one time, she can be the one to fix this one problem. It doesn't happen.
She tries to be my emotional support.. and once in a while she was able to do that but more often then not, our conversations were more devastating than not. Either being pre-occupied by this "other agenda" that always hurt me, or along the same line actually - but try to tell me how Penelope is and what I should do about it. I'll give you an example. During this current good period, and I was even in a relatively good place, she calls me and tells me how alien Penelope is. She used the word "alien" relating it to the way she was before she went into the hospital. My defenses went up, too late to be personally hurt, but enough time to tell her that Penelope is in a better place than she has been since the day she was born. That her illness has been there from the beginning of when her mother wanted to abort her, to when her father allowed her to be neglected by her mother - all the way until now. She is happier than she has ever been. But it showed me that she still doesn't truley see George's role in her illness. She fights it constantly.
George is her son, and there are some unresolved issues she has with her own guilt over how George turned out. She will never admit to how much she defends him - to this day. I know she has also had some pretty harsh conversations with him about his actions and responsibility. But there are always excuses, and sometimes when she gets in a really dark place, she try to take blame herself. Sometimes I think if she wants me to hate her too, I can do that. But I don't want to hate anyone - but I do. I hate George, and I hate Harriet, and sometimes I hate my mom, and sometimes I hate one of Penelope's teachers.. and sometimes I hate Penelope. Sometimes I just want to get to a point in the day that she is either at school, or in bed, or whatever the schedule dictates, but not around me. I miss my single-dom. I miss my personal path. I didn't want kids, not yet. Even though I adore the kids in my family. I always imaged myself being the best Aunt ever. I would satisfy my maternal needs through the time I spent with my nieces and nephew while I avoided the responsibilities of being a parent so I could focus on things that were more important to me. But then Penelope's parents dropped the ball. And now she is the most important thing to me. The last thing I ever wanted. And you can't just flip that switch. It took time.. I saw my personal goals and life crumble away as Penelope became my one and only thing that gets me out of bed.
My mom calls me the "fixer" and I hate it. She reminds me that I have always tried to fix things, people problems or situations. I don't disagree that I have a pull to help or take on responsibility to achieve a goal. I always enjoyed solving problems. I'm very analytical. And that part of me probably drew me to take on the enormous responsibility of Penelope. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Not that people didn't say, but they didn't know the extent either. But even in my deepest darkest moments, I would have still made the same decision. At this point, I'm just trying to survive it.
I'm at a point where I need to start picking myself up off the ground. I know that I am clinically depressed, probably Secondary PTSD, as I understand RAD Moms are prone to be. I know that somehow I make it through, pulling strength from who the heck knows where to do what I have been somehow able to do. I've only cried in front of Penelope maybe 3 or 4 times in the last year but I cry every day. Even today when she is doing as well as she is. I'm having a hard time letting my guard down to be happy enough to be enthusiastic for her. Sometimes it gets through but I tend to rein it in or she does something a little off to put the guard back up. I'm afraid that if I don't, the next time she goes through a bad period, it will hurt so much that I will be even more depressed - and I've been in that really dark place that I don't want to ever go again.
I am so glad she is better though. It's like this horrible book I had to read in school, it was some old classic that I really wish I could remember the name.. where it rained the entire book and it was so emotional and the rain was linked to the emotioned and it seemed like the person went crazy from the rain being constant and that sometimes it would rain harder than other times and then it would let up a bit. I feel like the rain has let up.. let me breathe a little. It's hard to keep the charade up around Penelope that I am not miserable. Especially when she is going through a rough patch. I instinctively want to run or yell at her. And both of those would be devistating to her. I have to have the opposite reaction. I have to look at her with love in my eyes and tell her I love her and hug her. I know I love her but selfishly at those moments, I can't. When she hits me and tells me how horrible I am, I have to hate her for it. But I can't let her know that. I have to be strategic and tell her I love her. Because I'm battling against her disorder ... her mental disease. And the only weapon that works against it is love. You can feel it retreat out of her stiff body after you tell her about your love, after it has consumed her and caused a fight. We haven't had one of those since early February. She hasn't told me she doesn't trust me or love me in such a long time. That's when it rains really heavy.
Talking about rain, I think the weather helps too. It snowed today.. If I can break through my personal weather problem, and get out into the physical sun, It might help clear things up. Because times are getting better. I need to have faith it that.