Steps toward forgiveness

Shortly after Thanksgiving, where once again our family has split celebrations because Penelope isn’t welcomed at my brother’s family’s house, my brother told our Mom not to buy him or his wife Christmas presents. B was trying to be considerate to the fact that money continues to be tight for them as they continue to help Penelope and I as well as deal with commission based work they do in this hard economy. B is always attempting to be considerate, and out of context, it seems like a very considerate thing to do.  But that wasn’t how it was taken.
Our family used to be big on giving presents to everyone in the family including eachother’s pets. We all like to give gifts.  As adult children, I think that we get more out of giving presents than receiving them. But for Mom, this is her language of love. You’ve heard of the 5 languages of love, right? Well, Mom perceives gifts as proof of love. So when someone stops buying gifts or says “don’t buy me a gift,” it’s a form of rejection. Between the economy going into a recession where everyone in our family’s income went down substantially, and holidays being emotionally charged time of the year for Penelope causing some major events, we have purposefully downsized Birthdays and holiday gatherings. Add on this from three years ago and lets just say our family has struggled to stay close which has caused resentment. My Mom grew up in a family that fell apart. She has one living sibling and hasn’t spoken to her in about 20 years. Her other sister, I never met and died when I was school aged.  She fears that’s going to happen to my brothers and I.
She knows that I don’t like George, Penelope’s Dad. And even though no one has ever thought it possible since we are twins, B and I are growing apart as well. We make a point to call each other once every few weeks, unless there is a reason to call sooner. I haven’t seen him or his family since the end of September. The problem is I can’t bring Penelope. I won’t just leave her home to go over there but if she is doing something that gives me a few hours, I will go. It’s just that it’s rare that it works out that way.
So, the context of, family growing apart, can’t have regular family gatherings anyway which just widens tat rift, perceived rejection of love, and this growing resentment, B telling Mom not to buy gifts and save their money right after Thanksgiving where we all couldn’t be together was setting off a bomb. She went off. I wasn’t there but I understand it was bad. Really bad. See, my Mom has turned into the Mother-In-Law she has never wanted to become. Her Mother-In-Law was hateful towards her. Has raised her hand to hit her. Has “disposed” of her dog while they were on vacation. Treated her like a servant. Mom talks about B’s wife Cathy like she is a bad mother and uncaring wife. She feels that B is controlled by Cathy and blames her for any opinion that B has that she doesn’t like. This includes keeping the families apart for holidays. Their kids are happy and well adjusted. They have never shown symptoms of trauma. They asked about her a lot, to a point that I was afraid her parents wouldn’t allow me around anymore because every time I saw my niece and nephew, they would interrogate me about her. They missed her a great deal. They were concerned for her because my brother and his wife told them that she had to go away until she learned how to play properly and was living in a special place (long term residential). I found out part of the reason they would interrogate me is because when they asked their parents, they wouldn’t answer and change the subject.
I’m not trying to justify my Mom’s feelings. But, I don’t like the way my brother and his wife handled it with their kids. If they were showing signs of trauma, It would make perfect sense as they would want their children to feel safe. But all their questions and behaviors have pointed in a different direction and the way they are handling it is confusing and throwing up flags for these kids instead of making it go away which is what their parents want. Their agreed upon tactic is "It never happened, Penelope doesn't exist." My Mom and I agree this is not the best way to handle this.
We are entitled to our opinions. But we are not entitled to hold grudges when all they are trying to do is protect their kids. And to make Cathy out to be this heartless person based on this is totally unfair. My Mom has also been punishing my brother in very passive aggressive ways, to the detriment of everyone involved. She hates Cathy, always finds reasons to not go over their house with the main reason “Cathy hates me and I feel unwelcomed.” When B complains that she never sees her grandchildren, she will say. “I see Penelope. Your kids don’t need me. I have to focus on Penelope’s needs.”  Yes, Penelope does need her but not to the extent this portrays. It’s an excuse, and a jab. And it doesn’t help the argument that Penelope has healed a great deal and is much more regulated. It makes Penelope sound like she is still very sick and requires a great deal of care.  A person one wouldn’t want around their children.
Well, it all hit the fan. It all came out. She went there. She blamed B for breaking up the family. (The father of two small children who carries a heavy burden of guilt for being the caretaker at the time of the assault.) And if that’s how he wants it, that’s fine. She won’t be buying them presents – no worries.  Whatever was said, B took it as she was done with him and was writing him off like she did her siblings and said as much. He was really upset. He never gets upset. He talked to his wife afterward, he wasn’t home but working when all this went down. Cathy was concerned and texted me to call him and talk him down. I happened to be on the phone with my Mom who seemed fine, a little sad but had a resolved tone to her voice. But she didn’t bring up the argument right away. When she did, she didn’t want to go into details (because she was wrong maybe?) but just said she was going to drink wine with dinner.. because she needed a drink. I didn’t pry. I called B right after I finished with Mom. He didn’t answer. So I called Cathy. She filled me in on what she knew but it sounded like B didn’t tell her everything, probably trying to spare her from the attack against her I’m sure my Mom made.
Cathy and I ended up having a very good conversation. A healing one. I found out she had resentment on the way our family handled it. She felt like we were only out to protect Penelope but who was going to protect her kids or stand up for them?  Like we didn’t care about them. How could we side with Penelope and defend what she did? I told her that I hate she has been feeling like this for this long because her assumptions are wrong on this. I told her that the day the charges were dropped, I mourned. It felt like a funeral. I wanted Penelope to be held accountable for what she did to her kids. I love them very much. I didn't know what to do with this child. I was so angry with her. So much I really didn't know if I loved her anymore. Even though I knew she was sick. I contemplated handing her back to her father but I felt like it was a death sentence. Whatever chance at life would be gone. So there was a part of me holding out hope. A part that was relieved. I also didn’t trust the system to handle it properly. When your child goes into the legal system, you have no control or say on anything. Their life is in the judicial systems’ hands. Similar to handing over a child to a surgeon. You can’t protect them from any mistakes. You are helpless. You have no power over decisions made. And they did nothing to help us. I’d already learned how completely incompetent the mental health system is. And CPS referred me to a service agency that we ended up firing because they made things worse! We never defended her. It never got to that point. We didn’t even have the case file. The only defense we gave was to her attorney and it was that Penelope was sick. No child that isn’t damaged would ever do this. By this point in my explanation I was crying. So was Cathy. She said she always felt so bad for me to have to “put up” with all this. She said that in the beginning, she was so angry with Penelope. But after some real thought she really blamed George. She has forgiven Penelope. She forgave her a long time ago. She just has to protect her children. She is glad Penelope is doing so much better now. And it’s not like she never wants the kids to ever see each other again. She is just so scared that if her son would see Penelope, it could trigger something in him and hurt him. That is what she fears and she has to protect them. I totally get it. I don’t think it would happen but what do I know? But all I can say is WOW. She forgave Penelope. She forgave her.
Later that evening while I was making dinner in the kitchen, Penelope walked in. I told Penelope that I had been on the phone with her Aunt Cathy. I told her that we talk about her. That her Aunt Cathy has forgiven her…Penelope stood there stunned. Looking down. Shocked.. She said “Oh… wow…okay..” Then she walked off into the living room. I could tell she was just standing there.. Then she went past the kitchen headed towards her room and shut the door behind her. I gave her a moment then went in. She was sitting on her bed holding her head in her hands crying. She was embarrassed and wanted me to go away at first. I told her it was okay. She sobbed. She said “I can’t believe she forgives me. I never thought she’d ever forgive me… I don’t know if I deserve it.”  I hugged her and told her I understand. Just the fact that she is upset by this news shows how far she has come. But that someday I hope she forgives herself. Her cousins are happy and healthy kids. I think it was important for her to hear. She took it well, had the appropriate reaction, and didn't flake out afterwards.
That was about 2 ½ weeks ago. This week is exam week. Today was the last day and she had only 1 exam today. Last night, Penelope tells me that earlier in the day while she was waiting in the café before school (late start due to exam week), she was thinking about Harriet. She was thinking about how if Aunt Cathy can forgive her for what she did to her cousins, then she should be able to forgive Harriet for what she did. She shouldn’t hold a grudge against her. She doesn’t want to hold a grudge against her.  "How does that help anything.." She did bad things to her that were very hurtful but she should forgive her. At this point I am shocked and impressed by what she is saying. Excited really…but then..
She says how “People can change. People deserve second chances, right? I start talking about the difference between forgiving and forgetting… but Penelope interrupts to tell me “I want to see her.” Really?? She says “I want to tell her that I forgive her. I also want to tell her how I feel about what she has done. I want her to know how she has hurt me. But that I forgive her. I want her to know that you are my Mom now and that I call you Mom. I just went to get it all out there.."
She said  "After break is over.." I said "Not while you are in school. You will need time to recoup from the breakdown you WILL have." We both laughed. We know how she is. She said "How about Christmas? She can come for Christmas." I said "Oh no. Too much pressure on that day. It's too soon anyway." I’m thinking “Woah… we need to back this up a bit.” I said “Wow Penelope. I am impressed with where you are going with this. It’s a lot to think about. You’ve obviously put a bit of thought into it. I’m excited for you. I do have some concerns with some of what you said that we will need to talk about but right now I need to think about it. I need to make dinner. And you need to study. So, let’s table this. You’ve passed it over to me. Let me think about it, but you don’t think about it. Focus on your test and we will talk about it tomorrow.”
Tomorrow is today. I’m going to see how the conversation goes, but I don’t hear her being ready to see Harriet. But it’s a great first step. She has to be prepared for seeing Harriet in possibly worse appearance then before. Nothings changed about her. She has to know that Harriet no-showing, being late, needing to leave early can still happen. She has to not be still looking for proof of love which is something she constantly looked for growing up. Every little thing was a test, rightfully so. I can’t protect her 100% I know. But I’m not going to let any reunification efforts affect her and her struggles to do well. We will have to do baby-steps. Phone calls first. I still see anger there. To want to have that kind of conversation seemed a bit confrontational. It doesn’t help that a little over a week ago when we were deciding what to get George for Christmas, when I asked “Do you want to get Harriet anything?” her response was, “I don’t know….. Like what, a pack of cigarettes???” One of the things she hates is Harriet’s smoking. I said “All rightly then. I take that as a no. I was just asking.”

I didn’t get to post this the day I wrote it. It’s been a few days since I started this post. We still haven’t had the conversation. Not fully. I’ve learned she bombed one of her exams, and has an F in another one of her classes. Her anxiety level and moodiness had been off the charts ever since she said something, even after her last final was over. That evening, I tried to bring it up since her exams were over and she said she wasn’t in the mood to talk about it, and just bringing it up and making her think about it dropped her mood. That whole Saturday she was still hyper-moody.  She spent the evening with her best friend, who was suppose to go on vacation with us this upcoming weekend, but decided at some point she didn’t want to go. “I don’t want to do anything on Winter Break. I want to veg in front of the TV.” My parents, Penelope and I are going to a state park about an hour away for a long weekend. We rented a cabin. We had room for one more. Oh well. We will still have fun. But I was concerned for their friendship with this new news. After dropping her friend at home that night and driving back I told Penelope, “I know you don’t want to talk about and I’m not going to talk about it right now, but I want you to know that I’ve decided you are not going to see Harriet right now. I don’t want you worrying about that. I see how anxious you’ve been the past couple of days. You are not ready yet. But I think what you said and what you’ve been thinking about is a huge towards healing your heart. We will be taking baby steps though, so emotionally it’s not such a roller coaster, okay? We will start with phone calls.” She said “That sounds good.” Her anxiety was noticeably better that evening and into the Christmas holidays. Her focus was on her family, helping me get the house ready for Christmas morning, helping Grandma by wrapping Papaw’s presents she dropped off. Grandma had hand surgery. 

I'll post later about Christmas. It went well, even considering how George was. Which I'll share. Penelope did well, but still needs to improve her confidence to draw boundaries with her Dad. At least she knows where the boundaries are. She's getting there. George is the same as always though. But we hold little hope for change there.

Balancing Act

I belong to this online support group for other Moms of kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder. One of the messages was poking fun at how you can’t help but feel like your crazy and you have to have a crazy type of humor to get through some of our experiences. I find that I do a lot to try to manage my level of dysfunction that defines me. Many parts of my life have become sort of a balancing act. If I leave to far to one side, well.. you might as well ship me off to the funny farm.


I suspect that even normal parents have these life issues to balance, the difference is in the details.

It’s sometimes easier to put the child first, or anyone really, before ourselves. Even before Penelope came to live with me, I was always a service person. Whatever the situation, it was easier to put another person before myself in my life. Be it family, friends, my bosses, etc. But then you have this child who needs everything under the sun, and you are going to give yourself wholeheartedly to them to give them what they need. But then you realize that the typical sacrifices are not enough. Do you say “Whoa, there is a limit here” and cut your losses? Or do you continue to give give give? And then at some point, you feel like you have passed that point of no return. Is there still a point where you can cut your losses, even though there would be huge ramifications? Then, if you are like me, you start really contemplating the risk/reward. Is it going to be worth it? The only answer I’ve been able to come up with is “It better be worth it!” because I knew for certain I’d long past that point of no return.

Well I’m here to report that I think, I believe, currently, that we are on the better side of it. I have said that before and hope TO GOD I haven’t jinxed myself. Yes, I know you shouldn’t put GOD and jinxed in the same sentence. It’s my secondary PTSD talking. It’s superstitious. It worries, allll the time.

So, I’m trying to make myself more of a priority. I’m in my late 30s and feel like I’m in my early 80s. My body hurts, constantly. My hair is much thinner than it should be. I should be on meds but can’t quite afford them. I’m so out of shape it’s ridiculous. 2012 was supposed the year I put myself first. Let’s just say it was a transition year and I’m behind on transitioning.

Our biggest battles with RAD seem to be random nightmares of being taken from me. The only other RAD related problems are really, in my opinion, are developmental stuff with some of her sensory lags. I still feel like they are mendable. But I think most of Penelope’s issues are really related to PTSD. They’ve been there but the attachment problems were in the way. Attachment = Traction. Without the attachment, I was never going to get anywhere with the rest of the stuff. Still a lot of work to be done and I’m still anxious for her to move past what issues she still has, but only because I just see them as barriers to her happiness.

I think she is a much happier kid. She is having fun and we get along very well, considering. She is 15 now and I get on her nerves and I ask too much of her, and sometimes I say embarrassing things. But for the most part, she finds me funny and I’ve learned she tells her friends positive things about me. She is fun to pick on, I must say. I try not to do it too much because her issues makes her take things too personally sometimes but I’m snarky and I can’t help it. She also is a very open book, way more than I was at her age. I have to tell you one of the funniest things that happened recently. So, writing in a complete comprehendible fashion is not one of her strengths. It doesn’t help that for most of her academic life, she has had teachers scribe for her. Then there is auto-correct, and the corruption of the English language via texting and email. Oh, and her phone will scribe for her too! So, she is on this anime message board and is talking to another anime fan. She shows me a message from someone on the board “What country are you from? Your English is great! Assuming it’s your second-language.” Too funny! And sad.. yes, very sad too. But just reinforces my comments about her spelling and grammar. Not just me kiddo! It’s not just me.