Steps toward forgiveness

Shortly after Thanksgiving, where once again our family has split celebrations because Penelope isn’t welcomed at my brother’s family’s house, my brother told our Mom not to buy him or his wife Christmas presents. B was trying to be considerate to the fact that money continues to be tight for them as they continue to help Penelope and I as well as deal with commission based work they do in this hard economy. B is always attempting to be considerate, and out of context, it seems like a very considerate thing to do.  But that wasn’t how it was taken.
Our family used to be big on giving presents to everyone in the family including eachother’s pets. We all like to give gifts.  As adult children, I think that we get more out of giving presents than receiving them. But for Mom, this is her language of love. You’ve heard of the 5 languages of love, right? Well, Mom perceives gifts as proof of love. So when someone stops buying gifts or says “don’t buy me a gift,” it’s a form of rejection. Between the economy going into a recession where everyone in our family’s income went down substantially, and holidays being emotionally charged time of the year for Penelope causing some major events, we have purposefully downsized Birthdays and holiday gatherings. Add on this from three years ago and lets just say our family has struggled to stay close which has caused resentment. My Mom grew up in a family that fell apart. She has one living sibling and hasn’t spoken to her in about 20 years. Her other sister, I never met and died when I was school aged.  She fears that’s going to happen to my brothers and I.
She knows that I don’t like George, Penelope’s Dad. And even though no one has ever thought it possible since we are twins, B and I are growing apart as well. We make a point to call each other once every few weeks, unless there is a reason to call sooner. I haven’t seen him or his family since the end of September. The problem is I can’t bring Penelope. I won’t just leave her home to go over there but if she is doing something that gives me a few hours, I will go. It’s just that it’s rare that it works out that way.
So, the context of, family growing apart, can’t have regular family gatherings anyway which just widens tat rift, perceived rejection of love, and this growing resentment, B telling Mom not to buy gifts and save their money right after Thanksgiving where we all couldn’t be together was setting off a bomb. She went off. I wasn’t there but I understand it was bad. Really bad. See, my Mom has turned into the Mother-In-Law she has never wanted to become. Her Mother-In-Law was hateful towards her. Has raised her hand to hit her. Has “disposed” of her dog while they were on vacation. Treated her like a servant. Mom talks about B’s wife Cathy like she is a bad mother and uncaring wife. She feels that B is controlled by Cathy and blames her for any opinion that B has that she doesn’t like. This includes keeping the families apart for holidays. Their kids are happy and well adjusted. They have never shown symptoms of trauma. They asked about her a lot, to a point that I was afraid her parents wouldn’t allow me around anymore because every time I saw my niece and nephew, they would interrogate me about her. They missed her a great deal. They were concerned for her because my brother and his wife told them that she had to go away until she learned how to play properly and was living in a special place (long term residential). I found out part of the reason they would interrogate me is because when they asked their parents, they wouldn’t answer and change the subject.
I’m not trying to justify my Mom’s feelings. But, I don’t like the way my brother and his wife handled it with their kids. If they were showing signs of trauma, It would make perfect sense as they would want their children to feel safe. But all their questions and behaviors have pointed in a different direction and the way they are handling it is confusing and throwing up flags for these kids instead of making it go away which is what their parents want. Their agreed upon tactic is "It never happened, Penelope doesn't exist." My Mom and I agree this is not the best way to handle this.
We are entitled to our opinions. But we are not entitled to hold grudges when all they are trying to do is protect their kids. And to make Cathy out to be this heartless person based on this is totally unfair. My Mom has also been punishing my brother in very passive aggressive ways, to the detriment of everyone involved. She hates Cathy, always finds reasons to not go over their house with the main reason “Cathy hates me and I feel unwelcomed.” When B complains that she never sees her grandchildren, she will say. “I see Penelope. Your kids don’t need me. I have to focus on Penelope’s needs.”  Yes, Penelope does need her but not to the extent this portrays. It’s an excuse, and a jab. And it doesn’t help the argument that Penelope has healed a great deal and is much more regulated. It makes Penelope sound like she is still very sick and requires a great deal of care.  A person one wouldn’t want around their children.
Well, it all hit the fan. It all came out. She went there. She blamed B for breaking up the family. (The father of two small children who carries a heavy burden of guilt for being the caretaker at the time of the assault.) And if that’s how he wants it, that’s fine. She won’t be buying them presents – no worries.  Whatever was said, B took it as she was done with him and was writing him off like she did her siblings and said as much. He was really upset. He never gets upset. He talked to his wife afterward, he wasn’t home but working when all this went down. Cathy was concerned and texted me to call him and talk him down. I happened to be on the phone with my Mom who seemed fine, a little sad but had a resolved tone to her voice. But she didn’t bring up the argument right away. When she did, she didn’t want to go into details (because she was wrong maybe?) but just said she was going to drink wine with dinner.. because she needed a drink. I didn’t pry. I called B right after I finished with Mom. He didn’t answer. So I called Cathy. She filled me in on what she knew but it sounded like B didn’t tell her everything, probably trying to spare her from the attack against her I’m sure my Mom made.
Cathy and I ended up having a very good conversation. A healing one. I found out she had resentment on the way our family handled it. She felt like we were only out to protect Penelope but who was going to protect her kids or stand up for them?  Like we didn’t care about them. How could we side with Penelope and defend what she did? I told her that I hate she has been feeling like this for this long because her assumptions are wrong on this. I told her that the day the charges were dropped, I mourned. It felt like a funeral. I wanted Penelope to be held accountable for what she did to her kids. I love them very much. I didn't know what to do with this child. I was so angry with her. So much I really didn't know if I loved her anymore. Even though I knew she was sick. I contemplated handing her back to her father but I felt like it was a death sentence. Whatever chance at life would be gone. So there was a part of me holding out hope. A part that was relieved. I also didn’t trust the system to handle it properly. When your child goes into the legal system, you have no control or say on anything. Their life is in the judicial systems’ hands. Similar to handing over a child to a surgeon. You can’t protect them from any mistakes. You are helpless. You have no power over decisions made. And they did nothing to help us. I’d already learned how completely incompetent the mental health system is. And CPS referred me to a service agency that we ended up firing because they made things worse! We never defended her. It never got to that point. We didn’t even have the case file. The only defense we gave was to her attorney and it was that Penelope was sick. No child that isn’t damaged would ever do this. By this point in my explanation I was crying. So was Cathy. She said she always felt so bad for me to have to “put up” with all this. She said that in the beginning, she was so angry with Penelope. But after some real thought she really blamed George. She has forgiven Penelope. She forgave her a long time ago. She just has to protect her children. She is glad Penelope is doing so much better now. And it’s not like she never wants the kids to ever see each other again. She is just so scared that if her son would see Penelope, it could trigger something in him and hurt him. That is what she fears and she has to protect them. I totally get it. I don’t think it would happen but what do I know? But all I can say is WOW. She forgave Penelope. She forgave her.
Later that evening while I was making dinner in the kitchen, Penelope walked in. I told Penelope that I had been on the phone with her Aunt Cathy. I told her that we talk about her. That her Aunt Cathy has forgiven her…Penelope stood there stunned. Looking down. Shocked.. She said “Oh… wow…okay..” Then she walked off into the living room. I could tell she was just standing there.. Then she went past the kitchen headed towards her room and shut the door behind her. I gave her a moment then went in. She was sitting on her bed holding her head in her hands crying. She was embarrassed and wanted me to go away at first. I told her it was okay. She sobbed. She said “I can’t believe she forgives me. I never thought she’d ever forgive me… I don’t know if I deserve it.”  I hugged her and told her I understand. Just the fact that she is upset by this news shows how far she has come. But that someday I hope she forgives herself. Her cousins are happy and healthy kids. I think it was important for her to hear. She took it well, had the appropriate reaction, and didn't flake out afterwards.
That was about 2 ½ weeks ago. This week is exam week. Today was the last day and she had only 1 exam today. Last night, Penelope tells me that earlier in the day while she was waiting in the café before school (late start due to exam week), she was thinking about Harriet. She was thinking about how if Aunt Cathy can forgive her for what she did to her cousins, then she should be able to forgive Harriet for what she did. She shouldn’t hold a grudge against her. She doesn’t want to hold a grudge against her.  "How does that help anything.." She did bad things to her that were very hurtful but she should forgive her. At this point I am shocked and impressed by what she is saying. Excited really…but then..
She says how “People can change. People deserve second chances, right? I start talking about the difference between forgiving and forgetting… but Penelope interrupts to tell me “I want to see her.” Really?? She says “I want to tell her that I forgive her. I also want to tell her how I feel about what she has done. I want her to know how she has hurt me. But that I forgive her. I want her to know that you are my Mom now and that I call you Mom. I just went to get it all out there.."
She said  "After break is over.." I said "Not while you are in school. You will need time to recoup from the breakdown you WILL have." We both laughed. We know how she is. She said "How about Christmas? She can come for Christmas." I said "Oh no. Too much pressure on that day. It's too soon anyway." I’m thinking “Woah… we need to back this up a bit.” I said “Wow Penelope. I am impressed with where you are going with this. It’s a lot to think about. You’ve obviously put a bit of thought into it. I’m excited for you. I do have some concerns with some of what you said that we will need to talk about but right now I need to think about it. I need to make dinner. And you need to study. So, let’s table this. You’ve passed it over to me. Let me think about it, but you don’t think about it. Focus on your test and we will talk about it tomorrow.”
Tomorrow is today. I’m going to see how the conversation goes, but I don’t hear her being ready to see Harriet. But it’s a great first step. She has to be prepared for seeing Harriet in possibly worse appearance then before. Nothings changed about her. She has to know that Harriet no-showing, being late, needing to leave early can still happen. She has to not be still looking for proof of love which is something she constantly looked for growing up. Every little thing was a test, rightfully so. I can’t protect her 100% I know. But I’m not going to let any reunification efforts affect her and her struggles to do well. We will have to do baby-steps. Phone calls first. I still see anger there. To want to have that kind of conversation seemed a bit confrontational. It doesn’t help that a little over a week ago when we were deciding what to get George for Christmas, when I asked “Do you want to get Harriet anything?” her response was, “I don’t know….. Like what, a pack of cigarettes???” One of the things she hates is Harriet’s smoking. I said “All rightly then. I take that as a no. I was just asking.”

I didn’t get to post this the day I wrote it. It’s been a few days since I started this post. We still haven’t had the conversation. Not fully. I’ve learned she bombed one of her exams, and has an F in another one of her classes. Her anxiety level and moodiness had been off the charts ever since she said something, even after her last final was over. That evening, I tried to bring it up since her exams were over and she said she wasn’t in the mood to talk about it, and just bringing it up and making her think about it dropped her mood. That whole Saturday she was still hyper-moody.  She spent the evening with her best friend, who was suppose to go on vacation with us this upcoming weekend, but decided at some point she didn’t want to go. “I don’t want to do anything on Winter Break. I want to veg in front of the TV.” My parents, Penelope and I are going to a state park about an hour away for a long weekend. We rented a cabin. We had room for one more. Oh well. We will still have fun. But I was concerned for their friendship with this new news. After dropping her friend at home that night and driving back I told Penelope, “I know you don’t want to talk about and I’m not going to talk about it right now, but I want you to know that I’ve decided you are not going to see Harriet right now. I don’t want you worrying about that. I see how anxious you’ve been the past couple of days. You are not ready yet. But I think what you said and what you’ve been thinking about is a huge towards healing your heart. We will be taking baby steps though, so emotionally it’s not such a roller coaster, okay? We will start with phone calls.” She said “That sounds good.” Her anxiety was noticeably better that evening and into the Christmas holidays. Her focus was on her family, helping me get the house ready for Christmas morning, helping Grandma by wrapping Papaw’s presents she dropped off. Grandma had hand surgery. 

I'll post later about Christmas. It went well, even considering how George was. Which I'll share. Penelope did well, but still needs to improve her confidence to draw boundaries with her Dad. At least she knows where the boundaries are. She's getting there. George is the same as always though. But we hold little hope for change there.

Update - Visits with George

I’m sorry I haven’t been blogging for a while. I should more often. I have been busy but I do have the time. Sometimes I think I need to step away. My blog, though therapeutic in a lot of ways, also is a reminder to how hard our journey has been, and sometimes I just want to live in the now – because it seems more normal. I want to imagine that is how it’s always been. Live in that fantasy for a little bit, while it lasts.


How have we been? Better.. always better in different ways. I do really think Penelope has made huge strides when it comes to the bond between us. I’m so thankful for it. I treasure the times when she embraces it and we can really be mother and daughter. It gives me strength to work on me for a change. The problem with that though is her strength she gives me is not reliable. I shouldn’t use it. Because it causes me to be too connected, which in turn causes me to crash when she is crashing. Then I become engulfed in the flames. Well, that’s a bit dramatic.. haha. I don’t know how else to describe this feeling. I get too wrapped up. It makes me crazy and I can’t seem to see things too far ahead or remember things.

Okay, so I say things are better and I will explain. School is going better, compared to this time last year. We are doing more things together and Penelope is good about it. She appreciates me more. She is starting to take responsibility for things. Though, most of the time I have to talk her through it before she will acknowledge her responsibility in it. Her gut tells her to blame everyone else and act like it was out of her control. Most kids do that, sure.. but she is still learning cause and affect. Also, I think she still needs to work on her problem-solving skills. I think the issues she struggles with related to cause and affect impact these skills. She tends to look at all the hurdles as barriers rather than choices and opportunities. “I can’t do that because…” Instead of, “What are other options I can try?” She still takes things that belong to me without me knowing but doesn’t break them or hide them. She will tell me she took it and have a reason why that she feels is justifiable. So there is still work to be done there. She doesn’t claim things are hers when they are not. She used to do that all the time, I believe, as a way to pick a fight with me.

Overall, she is doing well. We both have had some emotionally draining moments the past couple of months… of course. It would be amazing if we hadn’t! I feel like I don’t manage through them as well as I use to. I’m much more sensitive to things now, if that’s possible! Penelope is more empathetic than she used to be I think, but I do have a hard time reading her to determine to what extent. She carries herself like most teenagers do, relatively aloof. But we talk about situations or if we see a movie with some social dilemma, I try to talk to her about it to get her opinion on it. She recently had issues with her friends at school. I know I don’t know the whole story and made the decision I didn’t need to. She wasn’t going to tell me. One day she went to sit at the same lunch table as her friends, where they all always eat, and she was told she wasn’t welcome and that her and that group was no longer friends. Have you ever had this happen to you? I have. I was pretty devastated by it. Penelope was initially, and sent me this really sad email about her world collapsing. I picked her up from school that day and we talked about it a little bit. I tried to not pry or try to solve her problem for her but listen. She didn’t really say too much, just that she had no clue why it happened. Which I didn’t believe but dropped it. Each day for the next couple of days she’d report that things were the same and she didn’t know why but she didn’t seem upset by it either. I told her 9 out of 10 times this stuff is all a misunderstanding and told her about my experience when it happened to me. Interestingly enough she listened and was curious about the situation. (A friend’s boyfriend was my twin brother’s best friend and would call the house everyday. He and I would talk when my brother wasn’t home to take the call, which was a lot. It didn’t occur to me that saying “Oh yeah, Greg told me that last night on the phone” in response to some juicy gossip she was sharing with a group of us in our English class would have been read that I liked her boyfriend. Oops.) Anyway, about a week later I started to ask that question “Did you find out what the problem is?” but knowing that she was just going to lie again, I said “It’s been long enough that it would have come out by now, so what was the reason?” She hesitated and said that it was a misunderstanding like I had said. One of the girls overheard a conversation Penelope was having with someone else but took it out of context. Told everyone that Penelope was spreading a rumor about one of them. But Penelope claims she was actually defending that person in the conversation. I wouldn’t be shocked if Penelope was the one who spread the rumor, only because the reason kids do that is lack of self-esteem and trying to get ahead. Penelope would be someone like that. But then I also know she ….appears… to be very loyal. Even keeping a secret for an ex-friend who a few years later started bullying her. Even though this girl had Penelope wanting to quit school on numerous occasions, Penelope still keeps that secret. “Because I promised.” However, it doesn’t matter. Penelope is back to being friends with her friends and what is important is that she worked it out.

The other emotional hurdle Penelope has been dealing with is reconciling with her Dad. It’s more of a starting over with him. The goal is to create a healthy relationship and not revert back to the way things used to be. She saw him at for the first time soon after Christmas Break began. Usually I tell her about something that is going to happen that will cause a reaction from her right before it’s about to happen to prevent meltdowns but I felt that she needed to know in advance. To spring that on her.. just didn’t feel right this time. It had been quite a while since she had seen him. She has grown quite a bit. Her initial reaction was good. She was happy about it, but didn’t flip out. But over the 3 days following…. Um..That night was fine. The next day she woke up okay but sad. Then that night BAM! She had what I was later told a bad panic attack. She couldn’t breathe, she kept going to the bathroom to throw up but nothing would come out. She cried and cried and just said “I’m not strong enough! I can’t do it! I can’t see him!” I asked her what she was scared of and she said she was scared she would become unsafe and do something bad. This didn’t make sense to me at the time.

I told her that it was okay if we cancel. He will understand (no he won’t) and will wait until she feels strong enough (no he won’t). Then she became upset with herself for feeling that way and started to sob “I’m so sorry Daddy….” She has a lot of guilt. So much guilt about her Dad. She shouldn’t but she does. I think she feels like she abandoned him, instead of vice versa. There is a part of her that feels like if she was still with him, he wouldn’t have made poor decisions he has made since she has been with me. It’s hard for her to remember that he was making the same type of poor decisions when she was living with him and she doesn’t have that kind of authority over him. The other thing, that her therapist pointed out, is that as part of her coping/healing with her past, she had built up a wall between her past and her current identity/life. And she has to keep them separate. Her Dad is part of that dark past that she is afraid to go back to. That’s why she felt like she would do something bad. Even though we all know that she was a victim of abuse, she holds herself accountable for it. We’ve worked on breaking down that image, she still will go to this mindset that she is a bad person who just does bad things. Anything that is bad that happens to her is because she deserves it. Her mother neglected and eventually left because she wasn’t lovable enough, or worth staying around for. Her father allowing that to happen and then perpetuated the message by never being him and having her cared for by different people who abused her sexually and physically. I still feel like I don’t know the extent of the abuse from him directly. Specifically around the pseudo wife she became. Sharing a bed from age 2 to 8, when she moved in with me. Seriously? If it was my other brother, I wouldn’t have the same concerns. But I grew up with George and know what he is. Okay.. I’m just making myself mad again at this point. It kills me that besides having had to suffer the abuse, she owns it.

So at the end of the night, early morning, we had decided not to have the visit. She felt calmer and supported. I didn’t tell her Dad. Not yet. She asked me the next day to call him and tell him she couldn’t see him. She was calm but sad. I told her I would. I called my Dad and asked him to do something with her and have a heart to heart. She needed her Papaw. After their conversation, and a commitment from Papaw that he would be at the visit/dinner, she agreed to go forward with the visit. She slept well that night. I did tell George what happened, when he called the day of the visit to make sure things were still a-go. When I told him, his response was “Uhh, okay. So what time should I be there?” As long as he gets to see her, that’s all that mattered. Jerk.

The visit itself was interesting. But Penelope’s therapist (Mrs. Insightful) completely explained it. Penelope was non-stop blah blah blah blah. And it was all about her, she just went on and on and also to an extent challenged him by making a point to tell him, for shock value, how she loves black, and vampires and wants to become one and wants to be Goth, but also wants to live in Japan or South Korea and go to college there and etc etc. To sum up what she said “This is who I am and what I like, take it or leave it!” Her therapist said it has to do with her identity. She was saying “This is who I am now and I’m not going back to the person I was no matter what you do or say!” It was an interesting thing to witness. George didn’t say much at all, not that she gave him an opportunity to very often, but when she did, he still didn’t say much. He was scared to do anything wrong and ruin his opportunity to see her.
After that, she did pretty good through the break and back to school. The next challenge was the school trip to Chicago. All the 8th graders each year get to go to Chicago for 3 days 2 nights. I think I was more of a mess than she was before that trip. A few times within the couple months leading up to it, she felt she wouldn’t be able to do it. But as the date got closer she became more excited and couldn’t wait. I was mostly concerned about her being in a big city with lots of chaos (130 13 year olds) and getting overwhelmed and not coping well with it. Her 6th grade class spent the same amount of time at a YMCA camp but her Intervention Specialist was there during the day so I felt like that was her safety net. Not this year. Then, two days before the trip, I found out that her assigned adult/chaperone was her 5th grade Intervention Specialist – who we despise. Also, around that time, I had a meeting with the school for Penelope’s 3 year IEP re-assessment to determine if she continues to qualify for services. She still qualifies, but the assessment result.. WOW. If you didn’t know this child and read this assessment, you would think she should be highly medicated and have a helper with her at all times – because she can barely function on her own. Her academic testing seemed a little below where I thought she was. For a child who gets As and Bs in most classes now, being below grade level on Reading and Math seemed a bit contradictory. Then the room observations – they were of Social Studies, which is her least favorite class, and Math, which is her smallest and most lax’d class environment. The observation notes made it sound like she needs to go back on her ADHD medication. Highly distracted and off task, grumbling when she didn’t get her way, and breaking rules without taking responsibility. Okay… then the Questionnaires related to behavior. There was one for me for my observations at home, and then one done by her Intervention Specialist at school. I learned in the meeting that the scoring goes 0-14, with 7-14 as average, 4-6 as below average and 0-3 as critical. My scores were 3/4/6/7. Their scores were 3/0/1/3. I was just like.. “What?” This part I believe upset me the most. They said that it’s common for the parent’s results to be lower because their norm is skewed. Okay.. I can understand that. They also said that they had to “judge her harshly” in order to get her to qualify. They never said “We fudged it so she can get services” but I questioned if that was what I was suppose to take from that, because they can’t come out and say it. But they also said that she definitely needs services and qualifies for them. I want her to have services but I felt very defensive. I mean, those scores… if that is where she is now, then what was she before? We talk about how far she has come and all but none of that is reflected in her assessment. All through out the year, I ask her Intervention Specialist “How is she doing? What are her biggest challenges?” And 9 out of 10 times the response is “She is doing good. , but we have it under control.” Okay.. Am I supposed to see this assessment as an accurate portrayal of Penelope? If so, am I that far off base on normalcy or reality?


All those questions, shaking my foundation of how I felt where we are headed and where Penelope actually is, was not a good place to be when getting ready to send her off to Chicago. I was a nervous wreck the entire time. She called me a couple of times. She had some moments. I took no news as good news. Meaning she was busy having fun. She called me Saturday night and did this whiny voice “I miss you!>” It made me cry because it’s probably one of the few times I’ve actually missed her too. That might sound like a harsh statement but, if you know are life, you’d understand. It touched my heart how sincere her words were. It made me wonder how much she has grown emotionally. Is she really bonded with me? Does she really miss me? It made me think about the spending money I gave her and wondered if she was going to spend it all on herself, or buy me a souvenir. Not that I wanted her to spend her money on me, but the notion of it and what it would mean. Of course, she spent the majority of her funds on herself, but she bought a present for me, Grandma & Papaw, and her Dad. I will say she did call and ask if her cousin D (who she isn’t allowed to see since the assault) would like something that she had found because she wanted to buy it for him. I had to tell her that even if he would like it, she wouldn’t be allowed to give it to him. She just responded “Oh…” and moved on. Anyway, the gifts she bought everyone were definitely Penelope. She bought her Dad this skull necklace, her Papaw a coin with a heartfelt Irish saying, me a large yellow Japanese parasol, and then (poor) Grandma got a postcard. Grandma took it in stride. Penelope said she didn’t see anything that she thought Grandma would like. I will have to agree, she is hard to buy for. But I was a little embarrassed for her.

The next visit with her Dad was the weekend after the Chicago trip. Let me preface this by saying that the visits are suppose to work up to as frequent as once a month and we are already having 5-10 minute weekly phone calls on Saturdays. George strongly believes that I am bound and determined to sabotage his relationship with Penelope and all the limitations I put on their reconciliation is because I want to flaunt my power and control him. So, in other words, he doesn’t trust me. I can only tell him so many times that is not the case but he doesn’t understand that the limitations are to protect Penelope because.. why does she need protection from him? He didn’t and won’t do anything wrong. So the plan was for him to come around 6pm and he was bringing dinner (as I made it the first time and I’m not going to make that a routine). He had to leave at 8pm because of plans. Two hours is enough time for a visit right now. That isn’t his preference and I know that. He said he was going to leave his house around 5pm, stop at pick up this, pick up dinner and head our direction. I specifically told him NOT to come early. Do NOT come early. We may not even be home until 6pm. “DON’T come early.” We got home around 5:00 that day. I ran through the house and picked up. Around 5:15 I decided I was going to try to squeeze in a shower before he got there. Penelope was playing her video game in the living room. I got out of the bathroom around 5:45. I went to check my phone to see what time it was and it had all these missed calls from George and both my parents. My phone started to ring in my hand and it was George. I answered and he was like “Why haven’t you answered your phone! I am at the front door!” I said “You are early. Didn’t I say not to come early? I was in the shower. He said “I’ve been ringing the door bell!” I said “Penelope didn’t hear it I guess. I’ll send her down (to the front door) to get you.” I got dressed and came out and he was calm now but complaining that the food might be cold because no one answered the door. Penelope apologized. I told her it wasn’t her fault. “Dad wasn’t supposed to be here yet.” Don’t put this on Penelope.

A couple of days later, Penelope tells me she is expecting a phone call from Papaw. When I asked “Why?” She said “I texted him today and told him I wanted to talk to him tonight.” Okay, if it’s a Papaw conversation, than it’s a Papaw conversation. My Dad called me the next day and told me it was about George. How she wishes he was a stronger person and wanted to know why he is the way he is. She loves him but is mad at him for being the way he is. Why couldn’t he have taken better care of her and do things the right way. What I found out was, is that when Penelope opened the door for her Dad, he had been crying. From the messages and phone calls I had received that day, he had arrived about 35 minutes early and from what my Mom told me (because he called them which is why they were both calling me) that he was crying on the phone to her and saying things like “What am I suppose to do?? Go home??” Great…

Then about 2 weeks later, after having her weekly phone call with George, she had an extremely vivid nightmare. She felt like it was real and I ended up keeping her home that Monday. The way she reacted, I was concerned she disassociated. But her therapist said that her dreams can be just as real. She dreamt that her Dad had broken into our home in the middle of the night and tried to hurt us. He was going to kill us. He tried to sweet talk her into coming with him. She said I wouldn’t wake up. She took a long knife and cut his arm off and then stabbed him to death to protect us. She was devastated by the dream. She started sobbing “I killed my Dad!! What kind of person could do that!? I’m a bad person!...” It broke my heart. We had a good conversation about reality and dreams and how our brain is sending us messages. I took the dream as her feeling like with her regular contact with her Dad she is feeling conflicted about what “team” she is on. Because of the way things were in the past, George would do things to put Penelope in the middle and choose between him and I. She had a hard time thinking it was nothing more than her being a bad person and she was just acting very scared. She said she felt like something could happen. She felt like something bad was going to happen that day. She didn’t want to leave her room. It really shook her up. I kept her home. She slept and stayed in her room pretty much the entire day. By that evening I was able to get her to come out and hang out with me. I did send her to school the next day but talked to her teacher about Penelope’s concerns and just needed the routine and to keep an eye on her. She was pretty depressed the next couple of days but we had therapy that Thursday. Her therapist was able to talk to her about it as well and just give her some peace of mind that this is her brain dealing with her feelings and because she has such a vivid imagination, that was the way her brain made her take notice. Her therapist said that one way to see this dream is, her Dad and I in the dream really represent different parts of herself. She is asking herself what kind of person does she want to be? Someone weak and hurtful like her Dad or strong and dependable like her Mom? There are other ways to look at it but it’s common to have this question and this is the way Penelope thinks right now. Who is she going to turn out to be? What traits is she going to have, or want to have? I think that is a plausible interpretation. She said there are many ways to look at this dream. My concern of course is her feeling unsafe. The fact I woke up that morning and every light in the house was turned on and the condo door was locked, dead bolted and latched, which we hardly ever do.

Finally going to write an update

I'm not sure why I have fought blogging for such a long time. My last real post about Penelope and I was right after the new year. After the holidays were over and was still whirling about that. Penelope has, I think over all, improved. But it's a new set of challenges.
One may be something I've created but I don't think so. I think it was the right decision. I have taken her off almost all her medication. She is still on an anti-depressant but I have had her taken off of her ADHD medication and her mood stabilizers. I may regret the mood stabilizers as she continues down the road of puberty. But I feel like the neurofeedback and attachment therapy has done wonderful things for her ability to be less hyper and more in control of her emotions. I can't say that about her impulse control, but I don't think any of her meds can help her with that.
We still have a lot of things going to work on, but when you break them down and look at the issues while she was medicated, they were there then as well. Her grades and effort in school was poor before, and still is. We are addressing that with tutoring and an after-school homework program. Her baby-talk has pretty much gone away since she went off the meds. Which is a plus! I don't think it's related but it HAS happened. Now she has adopted snotty back-talking teenager talk. She doesn't cuss. She does the eye rolling and "Whatever!" and anytime you talk to her it's like you are bothering her. She likes to stomp off and slam doors. She talks constantly. She has a "boyfriend" she says. This has brought up good and bad affects with her. She is starting to have friends at school. But her "happiness" is tied to this boy. She "loves" him and he loves her and they are going to be together forever!!!!! she says.
We have been working on her self-esteem. Even before the boyfriend. The boyfriend has artificially helped her esteem but it's also made her snotty. Snotty isn't the right word.. the B word is more proper. But I'm trying to be nice! I've been struggling with this new Penelope as I'm not sure how to approach her. I try some of my old methods and she tells me I'm treating her like a little kid. In the heat of the moment I struggle at coming up with an approach because my brain is pre-occupied with pictures of my hands around her throat! I stammer and have to take a break and try to think rationally to come up with a solution. By then I have to go find her and then speak. During what I have to say she constantly interrupts and says things like "I don't want to talk about it." "Go away! Leave me alone!" Okay, I'm venting now. I was saying... we have been working on her self-esteem. Shortly after the holidays, right after the end of 2nd quarter in school, Penelope went into a rut. She pretty much was giving up on herself. She stopped doing homework, stopped helping me at all, and just seemed super depressed. She have good happy moments, but only when she was being entertained and stimulated by someone else. If I talk about the cats and how funny they are, she perks up, but before that and not too long after, she was bored and depressed. She couldn't do anything. She can't do her homework, pick up her room, do anything you asked. You would talk to her about it and she start back on thoughts she had a few years ago. "I'm too stupid.." or "I'm not worthy of it." and that was it for me. So her AT suggested that she start doing affirmations. I had tried to get her to do that in a mirror but that was too difficult for her. So her AT suggested just saying it outloud - to herself. And that every night at bedtime we will go through her successes for the day. This helped a lot I believe. We had a hard time finding successes in the beginning but we started small. She made it to school on time, she brushed her hair, she helped me carry groceries in from the car. Then we built up to other things like she took a bath, she was nice to Grandma, she did a little bit of homework. But then when I started pushing on the homework and chores - she regressed and started being late to school again and bathtime is a pain. Chores is her line. Homework is up there but chores of any kind she acts like I'm a slave driver. Actually, she told me that last weekend when I told her that were were going to clean together that day. She told me that I was a slave driver and that I am always making her clean. To be completely honest and transparent on this subject - I haven't asked her to clean in weeks, focusing on the small stuff. So to a point I blame myself for allowing her to get out of this habit. It's just so HARD to get her to do it that sometimes I just skip her and do it myself to just get it done. The other problem is, I needed to get the place clean so that I could move on with my to-do list so I pushed. And pushed.. and she pushed back. I tried different techniques that have worked in the past - to no avail. Then I resorted to the traditional guilt method which of course didn't work either, only pissed her off. I even mentioned Soup Kitchen and that just set her off. I was so done and emotionally spent that I barely got anything done. And by that night she was talking about killing herself. Not because she hates herself or feels no way out, but so that everyone would feel bad for her and realize they should stop pushing her! Geesh.
Well, I took that nugget of news to therapy last week. She felt that was Penelope trying to manipulate me. I knew that. But what do I do with this kid? I mean, I'm trying to build up her self-esteem and praise her on the littlest things but then how do I get her to start contributing and doing what she needs to do? And her attitude! Oh my! She feels Penelope is being lazy and she may need to go on Soup Kitchen. I agree. Maybe I should have just pulled the trigger on that one. I told the AT how I've been trying to take the approach of Penelope needing to be part of the family and what family do for each other. And how I won't do something for her until she starts treating me like family. She liked that and said that she would talk to Penelope about being part of the family and if she refuses, she will be the bad guy and prescribe Soup Kitchen. Well, the appointment ended up getting cut short because of an overbooking of appointments so we will see. I may grow strength this week and just do it myself.
But even with all that, I still think she is improving. Oh, and to explain the lack of meds issue.. I just worry about her overall health. I also feel like they are a crutch for her and masking things she needs to work on now rather than later. I'm not against putting her back on something if necessary but I think we need to make sure she needs it. She is a different creature than she was before.
So, that's Penelope. The things that have been going on for me, that inevitably impact Penelope, is that I'm trying to start my own business. I spent hours creating a very cool website and ordered business cards. I would love to share it with you because I'm pretty proud of myself but then there goes that whole anonymity thing. I'll just say it's small business consulting. A woman I met at the cemetery is helping me start this business. She does contract bookkeeping services for several businesses. She is looking to retire and is planning on rolling her clients over to me. I have an accounting background but also want to market my HR related services as well. I became certified in the accounting software she uses .Anyway, I don't have any clients yet. I have been going over her house and practicing on the software by processing one of her clients for her. It helps me by learning and it helps her by doing it for her. She had major surgery recently and only has use of one hand so I helped her. Besides her clients, she is trying to help me find other clients via contacts she has. Her clients are only part time work. I need to get started soon because I need to start drawing income.
My house is STILL in my name. My house is part of that whole foreclosure freeze. The difference is - THEY CAN HAVE IT. We have moved but I still have to pay for heat there and it's expensive there. I keep the thermostat at 50 but it's still over $150/mo. I also STILL have some boxes there. I didn't really truely know how much stuff I had until this move. Most of what's left is just storage stuff. Stuff I can't let go of, memorabilia from high school and college time. But it's been hard to get the stuff driving Mr. Daisy (aka George) to all his doctor's appointments. Plus he always wants to run errands every time I take him to his appointments. It kills my day. But I do it for my parents - to help them out. It was starting to consume my days so my parents started trying to help me out but George is so good at pissing everyone off that I have tried taking it back over completely. My Dad has heart problems and my Mom takes it out on everyone when she gets bent out of shape. He pisses me off too but I give it back. So do they but I'm younger I guess? I probably put up with more than they do. I just do as is needed and that's it. I think it helps that I don't love him as my as our parents do. I'm sure I love him a little - he is my brother. But I wouldn't do have the stuff they do for him.
Last Tuesday was an interesting day in that I had a heart to heart with both my twin brother B and George. B was still not talking to me or at least made no effort to talk to me since the whole thing went down regarding giving his son a cold shower for pooping his pants. My mom was done with the cold war going on and intervened and scheduled me over B's house for Tuesday morning to hash it out face to face. We had an okay talk about the whole thing but I think it's still a little unresolved. He feels that I don't think he is a good Dad and don't trust him. I told him that was not the case. He said that it wasn't what I sent him in the video. They didn't give him a cold shower, but that they gave him a shower with his clothes on and because he doesn't like warm water they kept turning it down until it was cool. He didn't even tell me this until an hour into the conversation. He didn't want to tell me. Why? Because I should just trust him. That is why is was mad at me. I had asked him who recommended it to him and he told me that the person (he wouldn't tell me) had recommended it his wife to give him a shower in his clothes - that her son had the same problem at the same age and that fixed it. They don't like it. Well, this is different than what he had told me on the phone. I told him that. I said "Why didn't you correct me when I told you about the video?" He said "I didn't feel that I needed to explain myself." Really? I told him "It wasn't about explaining yourself, it was about clarifying what you said." I told him I do trust him but when someone says "I gave my son a cold shower" I'm going to base my thinking off that. He said "If you had told me that, you wouldn't have wanted me to say something to you, would you?" I said "YES. If I did something over the line I would want someone to say something. It's hard being a parent and I get that. I know that it can make people snap. We just have to be strong enough not to snap. I thought you were kidding at first and when you didn't say you were, I really became worried. Because you would be one of the last people I would think to intentionally hurt one of your children. But you didn't and I still don't understand why you didn't correct me." He said "I should have to." That is where we are not quite there. I don't get it. Anyway, it was a hard conversation. I told him that part of my need to say something has to do with Penelope and what happened to her. Here we are as her family and we didn't stop it. I mean we did eventually but not when she was little. When she first went into hospital, they wanted a social history on her and things that my parents said, I didn't know about. Things that I thought "How did we know that and not do anything??" It was hard to think that we could have done something sooner. When you live with a child who has been through so much pain and shows it to you every day, it changes you. Penelope had recently asked me, during a time she was mad at me and wanted her Dad, than realize the reality of it.. "Why didn't you save me sooner?"
So after that heart felt emotional time with B, I had to go pick up George to take him to his aquatic therapy. He got on me for being early because I should have known that he didn't need to be there extra early to change into swim trunks this time because he told me it was an assessment. I didn't know! Ever since he got his new girlfriend, he likes to put women down - including her. He calls her butterfly because he thinks she is flighty. So lately when I don't know something he has to tell me I don't know, or if I do, he has to prove he knows more. Whatever. I'm secure enough in myself to know I'm smarter than him. Period.
Anyway, he gets in the car and wants to know immediately what I think of his new girlfriend - who I've met once. I said "Um.. she's nice.... It's not her fault. haha." He said "It's not her fault? That she likes me?" I said "Yes, like you are just that magnetizing." He didn't get it so I dropped it. He said "Well, she likes you a lot." Ok.... He said "She wants the two of you to become friends, hang out or just talk on the phone - become friends." I said "That's not going to happen." He said "Why not?" I said "It's not her, she seems nice. It's about you and me. We don't get along. We "get along" as brother and sister but fundamentally we don't get along." That's as nice as I could say it. He got it. He said "So... because you hate my guts.. ha ha.. you can't be friends because you don't want her to have to get in the middle of it." I said "Pretty much. I don't know what you have told her about Penelope.." He said "I've told her. She knows she can't see Penelope because it will upset her that maybe you are being replaced or something." I said "True.. for now, but it's about you George. I'm talking about you. I don't want to be in a position where I'm suppose to bite my tongue or clarify things when she says lies and half-truths that you have told her about why you can't see Penelope. I don't want to put her in the position of having to learn it from me either. Her and I can't be friends." He didn't respond but he didn't like it. I said "And you can tell her whatever you want to tell her, but I don't recommended going about it the way you did with Marlene - having her think that Mom and I hated her or something." He claimed to never had said that. See Marlene was his first girlfriend after his second wife. Penelope and George were living with me. George was separated and was secretly still trying to reconcile but ran into an old girlfriend from jr. high. She had a daughter the same age as Penelope. Penelope was a freaking mess - having been beaten and screamed at on a regular basis and then kicked out and blamed for the separation by the step-mother. She didn't need to be around a new woman. George disagreed. George and Marlene's first date was Halloween and George ended up leaving Penelope overnight at Marlene's mother's house while no one could get a hold of either George are Marlene to see what happened to them. I had gotten a call that next morning from Penelope saying "Daddy forgot me" and not knowing where she was.. because she didn't know the people that were babysitting her. I was at my parents that night so I didn't know they never came home. I digress. BAD MEMORIES. When my Mom and I enforced that Penelope can't be around Marlene, Marlene broke up with George because he was a wimp letting his mother and sister do that. He never told her about the abuse. He didn't feel it was related. So I told George "Brittany (Marlene's daughter) doesn't want to be friends with Penelope because of what you did to her Mom." He didn't understand that saying that he had seen her recently and they were on good terms. I said "But Brittany was there and say her Mom upset. She isn't stupid." George than said "It is the general opinion people have, except for you." I said "What, letting a child around a new girlfriend?" He said "No, I mean that Mom and Dad try to control me." I said "Oh really? Did you forget to tell them that Mom and Dad have had to bail you out left and right your entire life, financially, legally? That you go to them for advice and ask permission, which you typically don't follow anyway which ends you in these financial and legal pitfalls that you need being saved from??" "He said "I don't tell anyone anything." I said "Oh, so they just figured it out on there own. When is the last time one of your friends have been around Mom or Dad? Never, so the only way they could have gotten that information is if you said it." He said "They think they are controlling because I live in their house." An investment house they wanted to sell... I said "And where would you be living if you weren't living in that house?" He thought about it and said "Probably some crappy one bedroom apartment." I said "Exactly. Poooooor Baaaaby." He lived with me before he moved into that house. I was ready to go jump off a bridge I was so miserable with him living there.. Constantly yelling at me, constantly threatening to take Penelope back to his ex-wife's who abused her, constantly yelling at Penelope, trying to put a wedge between her and I - and I still didn't know if (not that I know for sure now) he was sexually abusing her or not. My parents were gracious enough to offer for him to live in this 3 bedroom newly remodeled house at cost. At cost was before remodeling. Poor Baby. Okay.. now I'm venting again.
There are good things. My mom and I are getting along better than ever. My dad and I are getting along better than ever. And I see a light at the end of the tunnel with this new business.

Broken Family Christmas

I definitely know it could be worse. My goal was to just get through it and come out the other side with minimal damage. I should probably discuss with Penelope how she felt about how it went but I don't expect honesty. I think she has been muddling through the holidays herself by masking the problems in a layer of tinsel and powered sugar. Very much avoidance and denial. I do think she is turning the bend and starting down that road of teenager-dom that I've been rushing therapy and healing in for. That point where the effect of my efforts start to deminish and for the most part, I just try to keep up and hold on.

Not that there is still isn't a lot of baby-ish stuff going on. Baby-talk was very present during winter break, understandably. She feels safer in that state. She also wanted a Norman Rockwell Christmas. We got the tree up and the decorations out and Penelope wanted to invite the neighbors for a tree trimming party. Penelope and Grandma bought cookie tins and made a ton of sugar cookies to give to our new neighbors (who never recieved them.) She kept talking about wanting a Barbie Doll for Christmas and if she didn't get a Barbie Doll for Christmas, her Christmas would be ruined. (She didn't get a Barbie Doll for Christmas.) Every night before Christmas, she'd lay under the tree with her presents surrounding her. She even asked if she could sleep there one night. (No.)

We did end up going to Church during the week of Christmas. Our church doesn't have service on Christmas - too many members to accommodate. But they have a special show a couple times a day during the week of Christmas that was very educational and entertaining. We were invited by Penelope's 4th grade teacher/tutor/friend. I couldn't get Penelope to go to church before this but I'm hoping to work off of this visit to get her to start going back. I've posted about it before, but Penelope gets very anxious at Church to the point she has a hard time breathing. It's because she feels like she shouldn't be there - like she doesn't deserve to be there because of all the bad things she has done. After the show, the audience is invited to participate in their annual Krispy Kreme Community Outreach thing where you pick up a box of doughnuts in the lobby on the way out and deliver them to a place of business where people are working. Penelope saw the opportunity to pick up a box of doughnuts for herself. I could tell that was what she was doing. So could the lady who was handing her the box. She looked at me for assurance that we were going to give it away. I said "It's okay. She can take one." The lady gave Penelope a box and we headed out the door to catch up with Laurie. I figured this would be a good lesson for Penelope. A lesson in listening. And a lesson in giving. I said "You know you can't keep those doughnuts. You have to give them away. That's what they are for." She said "I can't? Well... then I'll give them to Grandma (who is back at the house and wouldn't want them and ultimately give them back to Penelope.)" I said "Ohhh no. You have to give them to people who are at their jobs right now." I told Laurie that Penelope picked up a box. She knew right away what was going on. Penelope said "But I don't want to do that. You take it." Laurie chimed in, "Nope, you took them, you have to give them away..... So where should we go?...." making her want not an option. Laurie and I started to discussing places to go while Penelope started to get nervous and whine a little in the back seat. We decided to go to the Fire/Police Station that is on the way to Laurie's house. We drove around looking for a door for Penelope to go in or knock on. We booted her out of the car to knock on a door. A man in a uniform came to the door. Penelope's body language was priceless. She wouldn't make eye contact and handed him the box of doughnuts. She said "These are from Church." There was a note from the church stuck to the top explaining what we were doing. He was very nice and thanked her gratiously. She ran to the car. We waved to him and left. I asked Penelope how she felt. She said "Freaked out!" Odd answer. I said "In a good way or a bad way?" She said "A good way." She admitted it made her feel good. But then a few minutes later she said "I want doughnuts." Of course.

Our actual Christmas was nothing like how we usually celebrate it. Though it is typical to have to work around my twin brother's schedule because his wife's family is huge and there is at least 2 if not 3 events on that side. We would always have to fight for either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day to see him and his family. There have been arguements and hurt feelings about that. We still had to work around that. Not Penelope and I necessarily, but my parents. My twin brother was having our side of the family's Christmas on Christmas Day. At his house. Penelope isn't invited of course. Understandably. Everyone else is. We celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve with my parents. Because they were going to be having the big dinner at my brother's we opted for an early dinner of sandwiches, chips and salad. Then we opened presents, well... Penelope opened presents. I had asked my parents to get Penelope a Wii for Christmas and not get me anything - since they are expensive. She needs to have things that other kids she goes to school has, as well as something she'd like that isn't a "toy." They agreed. My mom did get me a scarf for my winter coat. Penelope loved her gifts and fortuntely didn't complain about not getting a Barbie Doll. She did comment saying it was okay because she is sure Santa would bring her one. Yes, she is still claiming to believe in Santa. Yes, she is 13 1/2 years old.

Around 7pm after the presents were opened, my parents had to leave to go to a party at my Dad's best friend's house that he goes to every year. Penelope and I were invited. My mom really wanted us to go but I just didn't feel like having Penelope around all those different kids would be safe and it's not like they have told anyone what she did. To hide it from the adults, I couldn't keep Penelope from playing with the kids. Just not a good situation. It wasn't an option. So we hung out and played Wii the rest of the night. My parents did come back and stay the night with us.

The next day was Christmas and Penelope recieved earrings from Santa. She was disappointed but didn't really say anything. My parents left late morning to go to my twin brother's house. I sent the presents I bought for my niece and nephew. It was hard not getting to see them open them. I heard they loved them. It was hard not getting to see my twin brother as well. I texted him later that night but he didn't respond until the next day. Penelope and I spent the day playing games and hanging out. I made her favorite food for dinner - chili. We just enjoyed a nice day just her and I. My mom got back to the house late and I went to bed. That was a hard night.
Penelope seemed to take things in stride. I don't know if she knows who all was at her Uncle's house. It was everyone including George and my Aunt who came to Thanksgiving. Everyone except us. For me, the hard part is that George got to be there. I have a hard time with that.

Petty Theft Charge

Okay, so Penelope is back to committing crime. Her school had been having a fundraiser selling handmade jewlery to raise money for poor kids in 3rd world countries. She had a couple of dollars on her and used it on to buy herself these little finger dolls and a hacky sack - so I thought. She then asked if she could have some money because she wanted to buy a necklace for me she saw. I say no to her alot so I thought that I needed to cave on this and I gave her 5 dollars the next morning when dropping her off to school. Later that day I received a phone call from Mrs. Brown, her Intervention Specialist from 6th grade. Penelope had gone to her during the lunch hour and showed her the stuff she had "bought" from the fundraiser. One of those items is a $30 necklace. Mrs. Brown knows I'm not working and would probably not give Penelope that kind of money. She questioned about the necklace and Penelope caved quickly. She also had a $4 bracelet and a two more finger dolls and the original 4 finger dolls and the hacky sack. Penelope tried to claim a "friend" gave her the hacky sack. But she couldn't remember the name of this friend. I told her later "Just talk to this friend and have her tell Mrs. Brown she gave it to you." Penelope said "She isn't like that! She doesn't like to help people out that way! Just ... never mind!" Sounds pretty guilty to me.

We determined that she may have bought the hackysack, but probably didn't. I told her teacher to return the hackysack because I don't think someone gave it to her and if someone did, it's just part of the consequence. She can't prove someone gave it to her and she already admited she didn't buy it. But she didn't buy the necklace. Mrs. Brown said she hadn't talk to anyone about it yet, she just wanted to talk to me first. I said she should certainly get whatever consequence is in the handbook but I also felt she needed something else, linked to the crime - I didn't know... maybe have to raise money for the fundraiser herself? I don't know...

It was at the end of the day and I knew Penelope would be walking home from school. I was concerned about this, that she might try to run away or something. She also likes to stop at this store and I had found out the day prior that she had asked the owners for a job. She wants to get paid in merchanise - jewlery. Yeah.. So trying to keep things normal I waited, impatiently for her to come home. I gave her plenty of time before I got in my car and started heading to school. I found her a couple of blocks away walking home. When she saw me she started wailing. The face of a 4 year old. I pulled into a church driveway near where she was and she got in the car sobbing. She claimed she was freezing, even though she had her winter coat on and everything. She said "Look at my hands! They are so red from being cold!" They weren't red at all. I asked her "So what happened today?" She said "Oh, Amy..." wanting to complain that she was being picked on by one of her classmates. I said "Not that Penelope, stealing the necklace." She claims she wanted to steal it for me. I don't know if I believe it but she does make me cards and tells me she loves me ALL THE TIME. Her anxiety. She felt that wanting me to have this necklace was a good enough reason to break the law. She gets it, from all the people that have told her so, that's it's not okay. But I really believe she disagrees. That or she feels that we will be less hard on her for the theft because it was out of love? I don't know.

She knew that she was going to find out her school punishment the next day. I woke her up a little early to give her plenty of time to get ready for school knowing there was going to be some dragging of the feet. Maybe it would have been better to wake her up late and have a mini fire drill out the door. I don't know. The closer the time got to when it was time to go to school, the slower she became, the more defiant she became. Then she declared "I'm not going to school today." I calmly pumped her up letting her know that I know it's going to be a hard day but she is strong enough and right now she just needs to get through it etc. We were about 15 minutes late getting to school, after about 3 times of having to talk her back in to going to school. "You can do it." When we reached the front of the school, she couldn't get out of the car she said. "I can't move my legs." "My book bag is too heavy.." Then she just busted out crying, in a very child like wail. I turned the car off and helped her take a binder out of her book bag for her to carry in her arms and walked her through the front door to the attendance desk. The school personnel working the desk could see I had a distressed kid on my hands I'm trying to transition into school and offered to call someone. No one was available right then. Her IS and the school guidance counselor were walking out of a meeting and saw us standing there. So did the school psychologist. They came over. Everyone was busy on the way to something else and was trying to figure out what to do. They kind of looked at me like "What do you want us to do?" I said "I could keep her at home today but I thought that might defeat the purpose...." The guidance counselor agreed. Good, I didn't really want to drop off this emotional child who probably wasn't going to be much of a student/learner today but she has to deal with the consequences. Her IS asked Penelope's if she could go to her locker by herself and put her books away and Penelope said "No." She wanted someone to go with her. So the IS walked her down. From what I gathered they were going to find a place for Penelope for the first couple bells to calm down and try to get the Asst. Principal to see her ASAP to get the dishing out of the consequence out of the way as it was obvious her anxiety was due to the unknown of what was going to happen.

I found out later that the meeting with the Asst. Principal didn't happen until that afternoon but Penelope made it through her classes (I guess.. I didn't get any calls but I also didn't get a response to my email asking how she coped with her day).

I did get a call from the Asst Principal letting me know that since this was Penelope's second time stealing at school, that instead of getting a one day in-school suspension, she was getting a 3 day out of school suspension, beginning the following day. So a Friday, Monday and Tuesday. A long 5 days. The other thing he told me is that the new principal is filing a police report and having her charged with theft. He is going to request that it be handled in our little city's Mayor's Court. It's not part of the County's judicial system so it wouldn't go on her record. The principal has found that this works getting kids to stop stealing, he said.

I picked up Penelope from school a little later and she was all teary eyed. Which I guess is better than all slap happy. Been there done that before. She didn't feel well she said. I brought some fruit to snack on for her during our 1 hour drive to Attachment Therapy. I tried to get her to relax by laying back in her seat etc. She just kept saying she wanted fattening food to snack on. She ate all the grapes and most of the apple slices. I did talk to her about her day and her complaint was that no one helped her calm down. No one talked to her about her feelings. She was mad at her IS for not talking to her. She was mad at the new Principal because he didn't make time for her like the old Principal would when the guidance counselor was busy. She was mad at the Asst. Principal for punishing her so severely. She took it as them not liking her and ganging up on her. I take it as Penelope not getting the attention she wanted. She wanted everyone to tell her it was okay. That it will be okay and she is a good kid. She also doesn't feel like she deserves the punishment.

On the way up I also received a call from the Police Station and the officer in charge of the case. He was planning on sending a couple officers to our home after we returned from therapy to have us sign some forms. Great..

Penelope had neurofeedback first (after her AT and I talked for a few moments) which her AT said still went very well, that Penelope was able to get her brainwaves to be down and stay down for the most part. She has one on her right that is a "trauma indicator" she calls it that is fighting to come down and she still needs to work on that. Then we have our talk session. Penelope was acting babyish during the session. Her AT talked to her about what happened, having her tell her what went on. Determining if Penelope truly understood what she was doing was wrong when she did it. She admitted she thought she'd get away with it. But she wanted it for me etc. Her AT talked to her about the Good Penelope and the Bad Penelope and how they are one in the same. That there is no such thing as a totally good person. She was going down this road with Penelope because of how Penelope feels that there is this Bad Penelope that will always do bad things and that you shouldn't punish the Good Penelope because she is all good and wants to do the right thing. Wanting to do the right thing (supposedly) is not good enough to not get consequences. Her AT also talked about Penelope's need to grow up. That she can not stay young and be happy there. We know she does it because she feels safer there. Penelope said "But I don't want to grow up." Her AT said "But isn't hard to make friends when they don't want to do the things you want to do anymore?" which she knows is a touchy point for Penelope because this is the most painful part of her choice to stay emotionally young. She wants friends but doesn't have any. She says defiantly "I have a best friend and yeah she is 10 but we have fun together." We pointed out that this friend will continue to grow and she we eventually outgrow her as well if she decides to stay a little kid.

I think Penelope heard her but didn't like it and dismissed it not caring about the negative affects of her choice to want to stay a little kid inside. I don't know what to think of all of it. On the way home my Dad called me and told me just to go to the station because we really don't want the police coming around alarming our new neighbors. I didn't even know it was an option but we did have a longer than normal session so we were running behind from the time I told the officer so I used that as my excuse to go to the station instead of having them come to us.

We arrived at the station and waited for a little bit. Penelope was being "bored" but also nervous. The Officer basically needed to give us the Complaint and the Hearing Notice and had us sign. He did talk to Penelope about what would happen if she did it again and tried to scare her a little bit. I don't think it worked. He said that if she did it again she would go through the court downtown and "Have you heard of 20/20?" He doesn't know this isn't our first rodeo and Penelope has been to the courthouse downtown and to 20/20 (Juvenile Jail) for her competency classes many times. He asked her if she had any questions and the only questions she had related to his tazer on his belt and if he had ever had to use it etc. Ugh!

Penelope was very clingy that night, happy to be home, happy to not have to go to school the next day... I told her that she works when she doesn't go to school. I took her to the house on Friday (her 1st day of suspension) and made her clean, sweep, mop. She actually did it with no complaints. Saturday she spent the day with Grandma as I babysat my niece and nephew for my brother so my Dad and him and his wife and father-in-law could go to a football game. My mom took Penelope to get her haircut, got her blond highlights, bought her winter boots and new gym shoes and some colorful socks and leggings. My mom buys things as her "love language" (taking from a post from Mary The Mom) but it's not always conducive to what is best for Penelope. Penelope needed new shoes and a haircut but my Mom always takes it to the next level. But I get her need to do these things.

That Sunday I made Penelope help me clean the condo. I hadn't had time with everything and it was getting on my last nerve. We spent the ENTIRE day doing it. She complained most of the time and made me want to pull my hair out a couple of times but did what I told her to. My goal was to get the condo clean and start on my 2nd online course for my certification for Qu*ckbooks (part of my consulting business I'm starting). I had finished the 1st course over a week ago and really need to keep moving forward. There are 9 courses. But I didn't get to start it.

So Monday, I debated on getting started on it but still needed to keep Penelope busy. I received a call from the officer in charge of Penelope's case and he wanted to stop by to go read Penelope her rights, have her fill out a statement and explain how this unofficial court process works. I told him that we were going to be leaving to go clean (her consequence for not being in school) and we could come to him. Great... no big deal. Well, it really wasn't but it was trying on me. Probably more me than Penelope. While she filled out her statement, the officer wanted to talk to me in the hall. When he had called, he had told me a bit about the court process. I had debated asking certain questions but I went ahead and did. I had learned from the officer who gave us the court date that this is actually in front of a magistrate. I had asked if we needed to get a lawyer. That's a loaded question for a police officer. Are you "lawyering up?" He can't say "No" but he said that we don't have to and that most people don't. I wanted to know if there was going to be a prosecutor there. He said there was. I wanted to have a better understanding how unofficial this was. This issue I was having is that the officer had said that the magistrate would ask Penelope questions. I told him that Penelope has been charged with a crime before but the charges were dismissed. She was also found not competent to stand trial. I want her to have consequences but I also want to respect her rights. He said that he understood and that he would talk to the Magistrate about it. We discussed Penelope's mental health issues, in a very general manner. He asked what kind of consequence I want to see? I said that I am not sure just because what I've learned is that it's best the consequences relate to the behavior but I don't know what that would be. He discussed community service as really the only thing he's ever heard of but didn't know what exactly they'd have her do. I didn't know if I said too much to him, or not enough. I was worried about that. The relationship with the police officer from when she sexually assaulted her cousins went down hill right away. He was nice and accommodating (and lied) just long enough to get information that turned on us. I didn't want that to happen again. I want to have this work this time.

After that whole thing I took Penelope back home because it was lunch time. Her math teacher had sent over that week's packet and I had her work on that while I hung out with my Mom destressing. Then I had to go get George and take him to the bank so he could get a claim form notorized for his stolen bike. It was either myself or my Mom to do this but my Mom really didn't want to go out in the cold. Fine. I needed a break from Penelope anyway. Not that George is really a break. He is always so wrapped up in his own life drama to care of be interested in what is going on with anyone else, like Penelope. That or he is is in denial or avoiding talking about his daughters pain because he can't handle it.

The other thing going on was that somewhere around this time, during all this, Harriet finally surfaced after not hearing from her about setting up a time to meet. What was going on is that she was trying to get her Mom to... do something. Harriet had called Geoff and told her how her and her Mom were going to meet with me and force me to allow visitations. I hadn't really heard about the whole conversation - hard to do that when you have Penelope right there all the time, so I figured I would talk to him while I took him on his errand. Oh my, what a bad idea that was. I almost wrecked 3 times because I was so not focused on driving. He told me that he argued with Harriet about her seeing Penelope. That I have told him and Harriet that I really DO want Penelope to have a relationship with there parents, but when she is strong enough. She told him "You don't really believe that do you? She is just going to keep saying that until we give up and go away?" He said that she went on to say that Penelope didn't get sick (her symptoms didn't really surface big time) until she was with me and that it's because I told her horrible things about Harriet which traumatized her. She says that Penelope's illness is purely genetic. Harriet's Grandfather was schizophrenic and spent most of his life in a mental institution. That's what's wrong with Penelope. (See, this is why I don't tell her anything! I told her about Penelope's meltdown and saying that she heard in her head someone tell her to do something. But that she is showing signs of Disassociation, having flashbacks - not schizophrenia! And by the way, we haven't had any of that since then as she doing well with her EMDR.) Also, I guess Harriet's Mom was also upset because she hasn't been able to see Penelope either. But George told her what I have told him which she hasn't contacted me to want to see Penelope. He then asked me "Is it true that you won't let Penelope see Harriet's Mom without you being there?" I said "Heck yeah! The last time she spent a long weekend with her, when I picked Penelope up, Harriet was there, and that was never discussed." (Harriet's Mom lives 3 hours away) Penelope had to have been left alone with her and she is not safe around Harriet. This was back before Harriet was cut off from Penelope. I continued and said "She continues to deny that Harriet did anything wrong to Penelope and even denies Penelope's illness. What would prevent her from allowing Harriet to see Penelope? Nothing. If she wants to see Penelope, I must be there. She knows this and doesn't like it." As you can see, this wasn't the best conversation to have while driving.

The Monday night that was Penelope's last day of suspension and returning to school did not go well. Just like it has happened in the past, when the term "Bed Time" is announced, she goes from normal and calm to enraged and defiant. She does this "I'm not going to bed!" and parked her but in a chair in the living room. She eventually admitted that she didn't want to go back to school and claimed it was because "everyone is going to bug me about where I've been, why I wasn't at school." I told her "Well,... that is one of the consequences for your actions." That didn't go over well. She stomped off to her room. I followed her and gave another answer. "Penelope, it's none of their business so you can just say 'I don't want to talk about it' or something like that.'" She didn't want to solve the problem, she just wanted to not go to school. She continued to get more mad. I then just focused on her anger and get her to calm down. But her anger was targeted at me and she didn't want to listen to anything I had to say. She started screaming at me, and I had warned her about moving into a condo, she can't be doing that. So I reminded her. My Mom, who has been staying with us came to the room and before she could enter the room, Penelope started yelling at her "Stay out of this Grandma! Stay out of it!" This was very upsetting to her and I told her it was okay for her to go so she left the doorway. Penelope was yelling for me to leave her alone and to get out. I told her I wouldn't until she calmed down. She said "I don't want to calm down. I want you to leave! I never want to talk to you again!" Then she picked up her clothes hamper near where she was standing and held it up threatening to hit me. She said "Don't make me hit you with this." I wanted to say "Go right ahead." But that wasn't the right response. I said "I will leave when you get in to bed and turn the lights out." She said "FINE" and gets into bed. She says "Now leave!" I reminded her about the light. She said "It's off now so leave, and find somewhere else to sleep!" Because my Mom was staying with us, I gave her my room and I was sharing Penelope's room sleeping in her other twin.

I ended up sleeping in her room. She passed out probably within 10 minutes. I was up for a couple of hours longer and felt that her emotions just got the best of her and it would be okay to sleep in her room. I was a little concerned but knew it needed to be addressed the next day. She was VERY remorseful the next day. Thank goodness, I really thing that is one of the strong tools we have against her becoming violent is remembering how bad it makes her feel after she calms down and thinks about it. She went to school with only a little bit of reservation. This was the last week of school before the Winter break. I had emailed her IS letting her know how things went and Penelope's concerns about kids bothering her. I also mentioned that Penelope had been tardy 3 times last week with no detentions. I reminded her to look at it as Penelope testing to make sure the safe boundaries are still in place. She said she'd handle it. Penelope was given a detention later that day for the following day.

Her unofficial hearing was scheduled for the 15th. I had talked to her Trauma Therapist about an appropriate consequence. She recommended that Penelope have to work directly with the less fortunate. She needs a lesson in how hard some people really have it. I couldn't agree more. I asked my Dad to come to the hearing with us. I was concerned about it just from the standpoint that I could have been lied to by the police officer like last time.

But it ended up being more informal that I understood it to be. The "Magistrate" is an attorney acting as a "Legislative Counselor" or something like that. There wasn't any prosecutor. Before the actual hearing, I told the officer what Penelope's therapist recommended for punishment. He wanted me to tell the attorney before the hearing. While Penelope and my Dad waited in the lobby, I went in the room with him. We were using a room that had a bunch of tables and chairs. The attorney sat at a table that was set up at the front of the room. The police officer introduced me to the attorney and told him what I had said. I explained the rationale behind this consequence versus a standard picking up trash or something. He had asked if she had ever committed a crime before. I said that she had been charged before, which was one of my concerns, because she was determined incompetent to stand trial and I didn't want that to get in the way of her having consequences for her actions but also respect that as well. I explained that her incompetence isn't because she isn't smart - she understands everything, but her emotional age is very young and that's what caused that determination. He asked what her charge was? I hesitated. This was the question I feared by bring up her incompetency issue. I went ahead and answered. "Rape." His and the officer's eyes went kinda big. Then the attorney said "Well, that information is confidential..." At this point we were ready to have the hearing so Penelope and my Dad came in. Penelope had to sit on a chair set up directly across from the table in front of the attorney. The police officer stood to the side near the front of the room. A woman from Youth Services was there in the back (and heard the Rape thing), and then my Dad and I. The attorney did a little bit of formal speak to declare why we were there, that Penelope has a right to an attorney and who he was. He announced the charge. Penelope right away said "I did it." Which was good. I had told her that she was going to have to tell him if she agrees or disagrees with the charges. I guess she wanted to get it out of the way. He made note and began to ask her a bunch of questions. He was nice to her and explained why it was wrong and pretty much had the talk we all have had with her. But you could tell from Penelope's perspective SHE WAS LISTENING. There was just the right amount of official-ness to send home a good message without sending her over the edge.

He determined her sentence as 40 hours of community service, with 20 hours of it suspended as long as she has no more problems for 1 year. He explained that to her to make sure she understood. She was definitely talking young but said enough to let him know she is intelligent. He said that the community service was going to be working directly with the needy and that he was referring her to Youth Services to get that time completed. He also told Penelope that she may actually enjoy the work and could continue to do it beyond the required time if she wanted.

We met with the woman from Youth Services the following week. She did kind of an assessment of Penelope. I don't know how else to explain it. Asked her questions about what she does, how she feels etc. We talked about the type of service we want her to do and limitations (obviously not working with little kids) but I said she'd have to have someone with her who can help her cope if she becomes overwhelmed or scared. She was going to call me the next day. That was a little over a week ago and I haven't heard from her but it's been the holidays so I don't care. Penelope has until 3/1/11 to get her hours in. She gave me a couple copies of a form to have signed if I find something for Penelope to do myself. I just want to get through the Winter break and then we will work on that.