Balancing Act

I belong to this online support group for other Moms of kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder. One of the messages was poking fun at how you can’t help but feel like your crazy and you have to have a crazy type of humor to get through some of our experiences. I find that I do a lot to try to manage my level of dysfunction that defines me. Many parts of my life have become sort of a balancing act. If I leave to far to one side, well.. you might as well ship me off to the funny farm.


I suspect that even normal parents have these life issues to balance, the difference is in the details.

It’s sometimes easier to put the child first, or anyone really, before ourselves. Even before Penelope came to live with me, I was always a service person. Whatever the situation, it was easier to put another person before myself in my life. Be it family, friends, my bosses, etc. But then you have this child who needs everything under the sun, and you are going to give yourself wholeheartedly to them to give them what they need. But then you realize that the typical sacrifices are not enough. Do you say “Whoa, there is a limit here” and cut your losses? Or do you continue to give give give? And then at some point, you feel like you have passed that point of no return. Is there still a point where you can cut your losses, even though there would be huge ramifications? Then, if you are like me, you start really contemplating the risk/reward. Is it going to be worth it? The only answer I’ve been able to come up with is “It better be worth it!” because I knew for certain I’d long past that point of no return.

Well I’m here to report that I think, I believe, currently, that we are on the better side of it. I have said that before and hope TO GOD I haven’t jinxed myself. Yes, I know you shouldn’t put GOD and jinxed in the same sentence. It’s my secondary PTSD talking. It’s superstitious. It worries, allll the time.

So, I’m trying to make myself more of a priority. I’m in my late 30s and feel like I’m in my early 80s. My body hurts, constantly. My hair is much thinner than it should be. I should be on meds but can’t quite afford them. I’m so out of shape it’s ridiculous. 2012 was supposed the year I put myself first. Let’s just say it was a transition year and I’m behind on transitioning.

Our biggest battles with RAD seem to be random nightmares of being taken from me. The only other RAD related problems are really, in my opinion, are developmental stuff with some of her sensory lags. I still feel like they are mendable. But I think most of Penelope’s issues are really related to PTSD. They’ve been there but the attachment problems were in the way. Attachment = Traction. Without the attachment, I was never going to get anywhere with the rest of the stuff. Still a lot of work to be done and I’m still anxious for her to move past what issues she still has, but only because I just see them as barriers to her happiness.

I think she is a much happier kid. She is having fun and we get along very well, considering. She is 15 now and I get on her nerves and I ask too much of her, and sometimes I say embarrassing things. But for the most part, she finds me funny and I’ve learned she tells her friends positive things about me. She is fun to pick on, I must say. I try not to do it too much because her issues makes her take things too personally sometimes but I’m snarky and I can’t help it. She also is a very open book, way more than I was at her age. I have to tell you one of the funniest things that happened recently. So, writing in a complete comprehendible fashion is not one of her strengths. It doesn’t help that for most of her academic life, she has had teachers scribe for her. Then there is auto-correct, and the corruption of the English language via texting and email. Oh, and her phone will scribe for her too! So, she is on this anime message board and is talking to another anime fan. She shows me a message from someone on the board “What country are you from? Your English is great! Assuming it’s your second-language.” Too funny! And sad.. yes, very sad too. But just reinforces my comments about her spelling and grammar. Not just me kiddo! It’s not just me.