"Make your dreams bigger than your fears"

 I've been away for a couple of months and have been trying to work on me for a change. Not that Penelope's needs are still not the priority. But after Penelope started doing well in school and at home, I went into a deep depression. It felt like a slippery slope that I couldn't get a grip on no matter how hard I tried - to the point I stopped trying. But before I did that, I asked for help. I asked my Mom and I had a bit of a meltdown at Penelope's therapy session. Well, it was more of a 30 minute crying session. Title of that 30 minute session was called "Guilt." Guilt for not being a stronger person - guilt for having, what seemed to be, a completely random episode of depression - guilt for allowing it to affect my progress to getting back on my feet. My thoughts were not my own anymore. I felt obsessive about everything, worried about everything, on the brink of an emotional breakdown but I couldn't understand why? Penelope is doing well. I've been at worse places in my life, and I'm not saying that I wasn't depressed but I felt like I had reason to be.
Penelope's AT told me that my depression is because I now have time to focus on myself, let my guard down a little, so my body is taking the time to process and have it's own time to heal. She said that sometimes depression can be a good thing for our bodies. Just like sleep, it's a time to regenerate. Or something like that.I am doing better now. I decided I needed to prioritize what was important to me and decide how much of it I had the emotional energy to do and just focus on those things until I felt better. Weather the storm so to speak. My basically couldn't do my business anymore. I lost that one client and just turned away any new business, focused energy on keeping my part time job, and made a point to have plenty of me time. Sometimes I spent that me time curled under the covers of my bed. I admit. But I read, I consciously made an effort not to stew over all the worries I have about Penelope, family, or work, or finances. I would rent a movie and pop some popcorn and curl up with the kiddies on the couch at 1:00 in the afternoon. The meds helped too.
Now off of me and on to Penelope. When I say Penelope is doing well, I mean doing well in the grand scheme of things. Of course we still have RAD related challenges but not at severe as they used to be. Actually, we had Attachment Therapy last night and her therapist recommends moving our sessions to every 3 weeks instead of every other week. We've been at every other week for about 3 or 4 months. She said that Penelope is doing better than 90% of her patients. When she said that, you could see her exhaustion.
She is such a great therapist. Besides the fact each of her ideas and responses are well thought out and insightful, she is able to keep a professional distance but you know that she truly cares. She is such an essential part of our life and success and to see her this way says a lot to me about how she recognizes that responsibility to her patients.
I asked about Penelope's outlook.I told her I haven't heard or read too much about kids who have Reactive Attachment Disorder that end up resolving their attachment issues and be able to have a semi-normal life. I even attended a support group once shortly after Penelope had sexually assaulted her cousins, at a very low moment in our journey, hoping to hear some good things to inspire hope. Everyone there with an adult RAD had either not talked to their child in a long time or there was this one woman who didn't even know where her 19 year old daughter was, just knew she was pregnant and homeless.
She said Penelope is doing well - even with the challenges we are dealing with currently - she can really see her attachment issues are on there way to being resolved. She actually said that! She said that she believes a big part of the reason was me. She said that a lot of parents can't help but lock horns with their child, which is polarizing. I make a point not to do that but to be strategic in how I handle situations. I think about the impact on Penelope and how what I decide to do or say will get the end result I'm looking for. I talk about the consequences, positive or negative of her actions.She also said that I address issues morally neutral. I agree I do that. I try to think of why she lies or steals or.. etc. instead of think things like "I can't let her be a bad person (because she lies or steals or etc.)" and approach those situations that way. She said that at the recent conference she went to, that was the consensus on making the difference. But she knows how difficult being able to do these things are. She knows how difficult it was for me. It's been so hard and painful and down right hellish. I just kept telling myself, "You CAN do it. You WILL get Penelope through this." So many times this was challenged. I doubted myself, "Can I do this? Is the sacrifice worth it?" and  many times I didn't know if I could say Yes. I didn't know if I could survive it. But then I would contemplate the alternative and what would happen and I just couldn't let it be an option.
To have this conversation with her - after getting through this deep depression, feeling very much like a shell of who I once was, it validates that it has all been worth it. I can do this. I am doing it.

School starts, and Honeymoon Period is Over

So I think it is. I am worried. Should I be though? She has been in school for almost 1 whole month. And she is STILL doing well. I know, GREAT, right? Why am I worried? It never lasts. When it crashes, it's pretty bad. Is there anything I can do to keep her from crashing? I don't know but I made an appointment with her teacher.
I met her for the first time at the school's Open House this past week. Seems really nice. Not easy to read though. But the good thing is she has many years experience working as the Intervention Specialist at the 9th grade level and recently moved into the 8th grade and will have great knowledge on how to transition Penelope into High School. She said that was her primary goal for all her kids is to prepare them for 9th grade. All her teachers seemed really great. She has 3 teachers from last year teaching her this year. She likes all three of them. Her Math teacher pulled me aside to tell me how well Penelope is doing this year. Even her last year's IS saw me and told me the same thing. The low point was when I was in a class with the woman that George dated right after his second wife kicked him and Penelope out of her house and they came to live with me. They broke up because, according to George, she didn't like the fact that my Mom and I wouldn't let George take Penelope on dates with him as she has a daughter the same age. That we were judging her for allowing her daughter around George so early in the relationship. We tried to explain that Penelope was too fragile (wetting the bed, nightmares, fear of being kidnapped or murdered) to be around yet another mother figure so short after his relationship with her abusive step-mother ending. This was before Penelope was diagnosed. George didn't see the problem and didn't explain it to her either. Of course he wouldn't because it would show his inaction in the situation. She recognized me. Asked how George was doing. She said she hadn't spoken to him in a while but she saw him on TV - referring to his biker gang arrest last year. I just said " Yeah, I think he's doing fine. I don't speak to him that often." Embarassing. Right in front of other parents.
Anyway, I'm just hoping it is not all Honeymooning she is doing. She has her goal this year. To go to camp next summer to become a forensic anthropologist. She does her homework with no prompting or arguement. She does it right away to get it out of the way. She is organized and doesn't forget her assignments.
She also gets herself up on her own, most of the time, and picks out her own clothes (1st year for that) and gets herself to school on time by riding her bike. Much more independent.
The issue is, maybe a little too much independence. That is what I will be talking to her teacher about. She has set high expectations for herself and her need to be in control of her own environment also has her refusing to accept help from anyone including her teachers. I offered to quiz her for her vocab test and she refused. "I'm fine! I don't need your help!" She feels like I am calling her stupid and that I don't believe her by offering to quiz her. She also does this thing where she knows more than everyone else or can do something better than everyone else. If she doesn't know it thought, she makes it up so it sounds like she knows more. I can see these behaviors to come back and bite her in the butt. But I can't complain. If that is the only real issue going on here, we are good. I just don't want to see herself set herself up to fail. I want her to work hard and reap the rewards.
Now that she is doing well, it's given me permission to go into a deep depression. I hate it and feel very out of control of it. I've been avoiding everyone and have lost a client because of it. I get so anxious and just want to stick my head in the sand. I'm glad it was a once every great while client but still, money is money and since I only have 1 other client right now which is also small, I am financially just back to making peanuts. And my poor Dad is tapped out. I ended up returning most of the clothes I bought for Penelope for school to pay bills. I even called George the week before school started and asked him for money, since he gets child support from Harriet, but hasn't seen Penelope in 1 1/2 years. His response was "For what?!" I told him for back to school expenses. He said "I don't have any money. Maybe next month when I get Harriet's next check." I said "Next month? What happened to this month's?" He said he already spent it. I said "You know Harriet has complained to me that you get the money, not me." He scoffed and said "She owes me. I had to pay alot of money for daycare after she left." He fails to remember that my parents gave him a big raise so he could pay for it. And that she was in daycare for only 3 years and I've had Penelope for 6 now. He then asked how she was doing. I said she was doing good. He said "That's good... Yeah, when she was with me she got straight As. No problems." It was obvious his girlfriend was in the background as he was speaking like he had an audience. She didn't get straight As, she was in 1st grade. They give out Satisfactories and such. She was also being raped by his friend's brother but "no problem." He went on for a bit but I had tuned him out. I told him I had to get off the phone.

Penelope & emails

I can FINALLY blog again. I don't know why I couldn't post before but now the blogger is all new and I think I like it!

So Penelope is in her third week of school. I think the honeymoon period is coming to an end but things seem to be going well. Her first week, she couldn't have been more ideal with getting herself up, dressed, made her own breakfast, packed her own lunch and riding her bike to school in a timely manner. I was in heaven. She's not as excited about school anymore but her determination to do well has not deteriorated with her excitement. She likes all her teachers. She is starting to not procrastinate as much. She can break herself away from something "fun" to get her homework done. She even told me yesterday "Homework first, anime second." I said "Wow! Can you say that again so I can get it on tape?" She just turned her head away so I couldn't see the big smirk on her face. But I told her that I could hear her smile.
But she has a goal - to go to forensic anthropology camp next summer. She has to have good grades to go. That's not me, but the program is through a university and requires a student, not just a participant. She knows what she needs to do to succeed and for whatever reason, the pressure is not causing her to become overwelmed and giving up. She takes the attitude "It is what it is" and just gets her work done. She has come such a long way. We've talked about goals in the past but the concept of having goals seemed completely foreign to her and even her therapist said that setting goals is not beneficial because kids with RAD can't wrap their heads around such an intagible, distant thing. But I think with her successes with cause and effect thinking she is coming around. I reminded her how she used to say to me "Home is for resting. School is for schoolwork. I am not doing homework when I'm at home."  I will say, even though she was taking a stance with me, her statement said alot about how she felt. So I tried to arrange for her to stay after school and do her homework there so she was still at school. It helped. But at the time it was too late in the school year. Now she goes to the library with a couple friends and they all work on their homework there. Yes, I said she has a couple of friends.. Yeahhh! :)

Penelope is still emailing with her Dad, George. Off and on. We, Penelope's AT and I,  are debating letting them have short phone calls every other week. George's last email was inappropriate but you can tell was meant innocently but still toeing a line. He commented about the type of shows she likes but then also commented about school starting and how he saw the picture of her first day to school in a new top. He wanted her to take pictures of herself in all her new clothes and send them to him. I didn't like this. It creaped me out. I initally wanted to talk to him about it but that's never worked in the past. So I showed the email to her theapist without telling her what I thought, to determine if I'm overreacting. Something I tend to get accused of by George's sympathizers. She came up with the same issue. She felt that it was inappropriate. Understanding that he hasn't seen his daughter and wants as many pictures as he can get, this was inappropriate for him to ask of her. It's selfish and immature. Especially with George and Penelope's history - which I still believe hasn't been fully disclosed. We decided to allow Penelope to see the email. Penelope needs to learn to tell her Dad "No" and/or "I don't feel comfortable with that." She has to be on the lookout for herself and be strong enough to draw the line for them. We can't help him - we've tried. We can only empower Penelope to be able to recognize what's not appropriate and then tell her Dad no.  She isn't there yet. Her theapist said that we will deterine if they can start taking on the phone based on how Penelope reacts to the email. If she insists there isn't anything wrong with it.
Understand that her relationship with her father during her early childhood after her mother left was very psuedo spouse. She slept in bed his bed up until she was 8 and moved in with me. She had to take care of him - cook, clean, and if she didn't do it the way he wanted or in a timely manner, he'd scream at her. And, as he recently explained "Harriet didn't just leave Penelope (age 2), she left me too. All we had was eachother so we leaned on eachother. I know she didn't understand everything I said but she was a good listener." Really? And the worst of it... a topic my parents refuse to discuss, is the possible sexual abuse. We've already determined that the relationship was emotionally incestuous but I feel the bridge to sexual abuse is a very short one. It's hard not to draw such a conclusion when after the last time she saw him, she sexually assaulted her two younger cousins and a few months earlier after an afternoon of seeing him, she made a tape of herself masterbating and had plans to send it to him. But I've talked about all this before.
So we gave Penelope time to read this new email. She didn't see anything wrong with it. When the therapist explained it, she still didn't see the problem. "This is normal stuff for my Dad." And we agree in a healthy relationship it wouldn't be such a problem, but not in this situation. The therapist brought up briefly the video she made of herself and her intentions, which Penelope immediately said "I don't want to talk about it." She knows. She started to recognize the issue. The therapist explained how Penlope needs to learn to recogize when her Dad is crossing that line and be strong enough to say "No." She can't rely on her Dad to know what those boudaries are. She seemed receptive and not too defensive but it was concerning enough we've put the phone calls on hold. She doesn't have the strength or knowledge to prevent thier relationship from reverting back to how it was.
Harriet has also been emailing, but just me. Actually, after the last one from a couple of weeks ago, I haven't heard anything - but for a while there she was trying to be a regular penpal. I swear to get a rise out of me. She recently had surgery to remove cysts on her ovaries. They ended up taking one of her ovaries. She said the doctor is recommending they have a baby because it will help with .... whatever condition she has.  She wants to have another baby! This scares me. Besides what she has done to Penelope, her husband is very ill and probably won't last the next couple of years. He has severe diabetes and regularly gets MRSA. Deadlly combination. According to Harriet, his doctor gave him less than 2 years to live. Then, Harriet herself is Bi-Polor and off work on SSD. Neither one of them work. Why plan to have a child when you don't have the mental resources to be able to be a mother due to your illness? Why plan to have a baby when you and your husband can't work and are already on government assistance? She does not need to be having a baby.
But Harriet kept bringing it up. I just avoided it in my emails. She just talks about how she wants to give her husband a son. I don't know how to explain this but the way she talks, the ideas she have are not... of reality. Like she is in a movie or a book. "Husband a son?" Like he would be crowned Prince of her kingdom. Reminds me how she once bought a picture of Jesus to hang on th wall - even though she hadn't stepped foot in a church in ages. I said "Oh, I didn't know you were religious." She said "I'm not. I just think it's a pretty picture." Really? Makes no sense.

School starts this week

I have a post that I created that talked about the last month of Summer. Can't seem to get it to post. I thought I had, and realized now it never went through and no matter what I've tried, it won't post. So, I'm sorry. A very summarized explanation of the post is that it's about positives and challenges - as normal. Mostly around emails between myself and Penelope's parents, and Penelope and her Dad.

Right now the focus is on school starting in two days. Penelope talks about all that she wants to accomplish this school year but she didn't accomplish a lot this summer. And she is as close to sloth as possible. Especially as school gets closer. It's a control tactic. She is feeling the stress of her expectations and wants to slow things down. I'm trying not to push but allow her to make her decisions and help ensure she gets a positive or negative consequence of her actions - being her coach not her disciplinarian. Ugh, so hard for me. But she has all the tools to be successful, except coping mechanisms. So hard for her. She talks a big talk. Not afraid of anything, doesn't care what people thing.... when her fear is crippling.

School is hard enough but for our kids with reactive attachment disorder it is that exceedingly difficult. I want to give her a less triggering environment, one where she can have more successes. But then I know that in order for her to navigate the real world, she needs to learn from the challenges she will face in this reality. I can be there to help her through this, the best I can and the best she can. She wants it, and I want it for her.

Emails

George and Penelope have emailed back and forth twice this past week, as that had been approved. It takes each of them several days to conjure up a 3 or 4 sentence email to eachother. George's emails are fairly simple. "How was your weekend? I hope your summer is going well." That kind of stuff. Well, shoot, that's almost a whole email. His second email was somewhat ending the conversation. You know, no questions - well wishing "I hope you have a good summer" to be exact. I debated telling him as much. That I don't think it will prompt a response but I figured I'd let it play out. Penelope didn't respond and he wanted to know why. I told him and he said "I don't know what to write."
Penelope struggles with writing him because she has so many mixed emotions. I think she is handling her emotions okay even though over the week she has become more anxious and hyper and has been baby talking here and there. But that can also be linked to the fact her birthday is only a few days away at this point. Last year she was a complete spaz, bouncing off the walls hyper. But if it wasn't her birthday, George wouldn't be pushing to talk/see her.
Harriet has been emailing me more frequent due to Penelope's birthday. Her last email she wrote that every year she makes a cake and sings Happy Birthday. I don't know what to think about that. Part of me thinks it's sad and part of me thinks she is lying. I think she wants me to feel sorry for her. I do look for it inside me, but can't find that emotion for her. George accuses me of "falling for her crap" because I said that Harriet is mentally ill and isn't capable of doing the things she needs to do. He believes she is just lazy and selfish and has intentionally hurt Penelope. I think Harriet is selfish, but in the same regard Penelope is selfish. It's just where there head is because of the way their brain works. I'm trying not to hate Harriet. Hate is not a healthy emotion. I don't want to see her or hear her voice, but I also don't want to hate her either. I don't want to hate George either but he begs to be hated it seems.
Last night it was Penelope's turn to email back George. He had sent an email a couple of days before and she hadn't responded, so I had to talk to her about it. Just even talking to her about it drew out some major anxiety. She was pretty hyper last night. Not mean, maybe a little aggressive but just loud and fast talking and a little giggly. Papaw took her out to the golf course to hit a few balls. She has found that she is pretty good at golf. Not quite Papaw's prodigy but something they have in common and like the only thing that Penelope and Grandma can do together and have fun and no mean words. I think golf is one of the most emotionally challenging sports. Anyway, when I talked to Penelope I had already heard that she is having a hard time emailing him back because she is afraid of saying or doing something that would make him take off. I asked her why she felt that way. She said "Because that's what happens." I reassured her that wasn't going to happen with George. I feel pretty confident to say that since George is the one I couldn't make go away if I wanted to. She then elaborated that she knows that she didn't do anything to cause them to do the things they have done, but "what if" she did? And we are all just wrong? And if we are wrong, what if she did something to cause her Dad to go away too. In one breath she says about how she wants to see him and talk to him but then in another breath why is he doing this to her? Emailing her out of the blue when she isn't ready.... And see I can't tell him this because he will want to "fix it" feeling that seeing her and telling her will fix it.
Just like she thinks she has had the power to make either of them do anything (like leave), he thinks his words have enough power to make them believable and that she will accept them at full value and all her problems will go away at his say so.
It's a complex situation and she has such a complex mind. On one hand it's so easy to say "Penelope, there is nothing you did or could have done to cause your parents to do what they have done. No child makes their parents make decisions, not even you." Papaw pointed out that she was only two years old, still in diapers, when Harriet left. Of course she didn't cause that!" But then this child endured her step mother beating her and blaming her for everything that went wrong in her marriage to George and eventually kicking them both out because of Harriet. Then on top of that, being disowned by Aunt, Uncle and cousins for sexually assaulting her cousins. Her actions were a direct cause of that abandonment. I'm not saying they are wrong, but just how it's a repetition in Penelope's life and here I am saying "You didn't do anything to cause your parents to do the things they have done." I probably wouldn't believe me either if I were in her shoes. Well, food for fodder at this evening attachment therapy session.

Trying to figure out what to do for Penelope's birthday. This will be her first year with no friends coming to any birthday party. So it will be Penelope, myself, Papaw and Grandma. We were thinking about going to the Indianapolis Children's Museum but Papaw has a golf tournament and Indianapolis is an all day trip. So must stay local.
For Sunday, I signed Penelope and I up to be in a Gay Pride Parade with a bunch of people from my Non-Profit Org I work for that supports diversity/inclusion. It will be the first time my boss gets to meet Penelope. She is also bringing her daughter, who is 22 I believe. But from what I've told her of Penelope, she thinks will get along great. Penelope is into Japanese anime and culture and my boss' daughter cooped or interned in Japan and is planning on moving to China this fall and I know Penelope will be highly impressed with that. Penelope doesn't know yet we are doing this Parade. I told her about it earlier in the week and she was hesitant about it. She doesn't want to appear gay. I can appreciate that. I don't want to either but I think those are feeling that are not justifiable that we need to overcome. I think we are going to have a blast. I heard that 3 VPs are going to be there, besides wearing our org t-shirts, we are getting feather boas.

"What was good enough for me, is good enough for her."

I haven't written in what feels like forever. There has been some great things going on in our lives and part of that is keeping me super busy. I have three drafts on here that I never could finish to post. My posts are typically too long anyway, which should be an incentive to write more often. But I'm hoping to finish this post and publish it this time.

Penelope is doing okay, for starters. It's summer and she is spending a lot of time with her Papaw, which is what she wanted. She is actually getting along with her Grandmother better now. But it's not structured enough for her so I'm still trying to tie down the details. She gets bored easily but then gets too engrossed in her anime or computer games and doesn't want to go to the pool, or go anywhere. Her big picture goals conflict with her small picture goals for the summer. Have fun doing a lot of stuff but don't go anywhere. Hmm.. not sure how that works.

The big issue I'm dealing with right now is that her Dad, George has threatened to get an attorney if he doesn't get to see her. A couple of months ago we tried communications via email. It went really bad. His initial email was okay - asked about school and how she was doing, didn't really say anything - probably could have used some positive messages. She responded to him telling her about the boy she liked and how hot he is and how he plays in a metal band. It was odd how 90% of her email was about this boy. Within a couple of hours, she spiraled into a complete meltdown becoming violent and overwhelmed with her emotions. She wasn't mad about any particular issue but just anything and everything - like sensory overload. George emailed her back but I intercepted it before she saw it. It was inappropriate and would have made the situation worse.

"So has (me) met this BOY. I would like to hear some of his music to see if it is good mosh material to. I know more about metal music than (me) because she liked new kids on the block lol. I hope everything is going good at school with all your class. Love you penelope my snuggle bug"

He has issue with calling me Mom. Won't do it. He claims it just because I'm not his Mom so why would he call me Mom? yeah right.. but that wasn't a big deal to me.
I tried to explain to him why this email was bad but he was upset that I wouldn't let her read it. He didn't see anything wrong with it. I gave up and said we'd have to try again at a later time. He wants someone to give him a Do's and Don'ts List. It's just not possible to think of everything. And he is a very black/white thinker. If you don't tell him something is a certain way than he can just do whatever he wants right or wrong.
It's been 3 months and Penelope is out of school so we wanted to consider emails again. But see, Penelope's birthday is coming up and he wants to see her. Emails are not good enough for him this time. I tried diverting it to "the professionals" because my opinion doesn't matter in his eyes. But he is very impatient and was calling both my parents (not me by the way) pushing pushing pushing to get an answer. My mom kept telling me to call/email him. I ended up emailing him one morning before work. In that email, I told him that I think we need to stick to trying to email again and work from there. In my email I said, "I know you struggle with writing the right or wrong thing. Hopefully someday you will figure out what that is. It's hard to make you a Do's and Don't list - hard to do a complete list, like you want. But I agree it's probably something you need. Based on your first attempt, I can tell you that throwing me under the bus was a huge no no, and the fact you did it just shows you can't be given this ability without huge oversight. I don't know if you understand why it was so bad. I've tried to educate you on the way Penelope thinks so many times. Her therapy happens in the home. For a child with RAD to heal, they first have to bond with their primary caretaker before they can bond with anyone else. That's me. That's through every interaction I have with her. All other relationships in this child's life are substantially lower of a priority. The reason why is it will interfere with building the bond with the primary caretaker. The rest of her healing is based off that bond. Without that bond, she will NOT heal. Without that bond, she WILL be miserable. She WILL end up in jail. She WILL end up ruining her life. This is the reason I'm Mom, not Auntie. This is the reason that I've had to sacrifice so much. Because she tests this bond on a regular basis, less than before but it's always being tested. So when her father, because of his own need to feel superior to his sister who threatens his position as patriarch, throws her under the bus as a "joke" sends the message to his daughter "You know your Mom, who has been the rock you've needed to weather this whole storm? Well, you shouldn't think so highly of her, because I could come in and knock her down and turn your world upside down. So don't trust her. Because you need to prepare for when I do that - so distance yourself from her, push her away, and start being your own boss again - or you'll die." You probably think I'm being dramatic but I'm not. This is how she thinks, regardless of what you meant. You make her feel like she has to choose when you say things like that. Unfortunately, just talking to her in any form makes her feel like that - because you have put her in the position to make a choice so many times before. So doing that only reinforces it when you should be sending messages to counteract it. You should be saying things supporting the fact she is with me, things saying how great I am - sending her that message. Which you can't do because you need her to choose you. You want her to choose you because of your own needs. You need her to say "Daddy, you are still #1" and it's not what she needs."
And by the way, I wasn't a big New Kids on the Block fan. Someone invited me to their concert before I had even heard of them, her Mom bought me a poster which my Mom insisted it be hung in a poster frame on my wall. Someone gave me a T-shirt that Christmas I would only wear to bed because I wouldn't have been seen dead in public in it. Oh, and during my late teens early 20s I listened to alternative metal, wore purple Docs and participated in my share of mosh pits but whatever!
I made sure to have my email approved by my Mom, who insisted on the email because she still held out hope that he would understand if someone would just tell him. But communication is a two way street - someone giving information and someone else receiving it. I give it, but it goes on deaf ears.
My email offered to assist him in his emails with Penelope.... to an extent. I can't create him to be who he isn't. That has been part of the problem in the past - this view of George that is fantasy. But I am trying to recognize that he sticks his foot in his mouth because he doesn't think beyond himself but (I'm hoping).
Anyway, he was not happy with the news that we were good for email but not face to face. He didn't say anything to me, or respond to my email at all. The next day he was with our Dad and brought it up and went off about how wrong it is he can't see his daughter, that's it has been 3 years since he has seen her and someone gave him the name of a "child advocate attorney" to call. My Dad blew up at him.
First, it's only been barely 1 1/2 years since he has seen Penelope. It's taken her almost that entire time to get to some sense of normalcy since she sexually abused her cousins, which was shortly after seeing him at Christmas 2009. Last summer was hell with flashbacks and violent episodes and total meltdowns and psychotic behaviors. Then the school year was better but she barely made it through, only with the patience of her teachers. She basically gave up that last quarter. I don't know the right answer to this.. Penelope has so much work to do on herself that throwing in the complexities of her Dad is unrealistic - but then on the other side, she is growing up. All this doesn't happen with her staying the same. So it's a true loss of time that they won't ever get back. But I don't know how much I care or should care about that.
Secondly, an attorney? That made my dad go nuts. With everything they have given up and the money that has been drained from them due to the abuse their granddaughter has endured, he is going to force them to spend more because he wants to bring an attorney into this and force visitation against recommendations? And then there is their supporting HIM. We all have in one way or another. But he is living in a house my parents own, with his girlfriend who doesn't work either, and supposedly her daughter. Even though his girlfriend's children were being raised by her father, because she "made some bad decisions" herself, her dad has let the daughter stay with them - I believe for just the summer. He could barely afford himself, but now he is supporting them and constantly needing money. Plus the $5,000 bond money they put for him so he isn't currently sitting in jail for his felony charges due to biker gang activities he partook in. And so many other things. I have helped him, against my better judgement, with his legal and insurance claim problems over the last several years. I drove him to all his doctor's and therapy appointments for his workers' comp injury as well as end up spending most of those days driving him around so he can do all his errands - and he always had a ton of them! For someone with little money he was always shopping. His girlfriend couldn't drive him, when she came into the picture, because she has phobias from a bad car accident. After his second wife kicked him out, he lived with me and ate all my food and trashed my house and made both Penelope and my life miserable... And now he is going to get an attorney against us.
He is trying to say that this attorney is not an attorney to sue but will be evaluating Penelope's best interests and determining if he gets to see her. My dad pointed out to him that the only thing an attorney can do is take us to court. My point is, that is what her TWO separate and distinctive therapists are for. They are the professionals you rely on. But he wants a THIRD opinion. He wants Penelope to see his therapist who has already expressed that she doesn't have any expeirence working with RAD "but I read up on it" and feels that the reason Penelope gets violent after seeing her Dad is because she doesn't see him frequently enough - even though she has never met Penelope and only knows what George has told her. I DON'T THINK SO.
My Dad, in so many words, told him that if he had to sell everything he owns to raise the money, he will hire an attorney and "bury" him. And that isn't including that he will be evicted and disowned. But George's response is that he already feels disowned so what's the difference. Which of course was devastating to my parents because of all they have done and still do for him. My mom wanted me to call him Monday night - so I did.
We ended up being on the phone from 10 PM until 1:30 AM. He wanted to rehash every...single... issue.. we've ever had. Basically having the a collection of every conversation we've had over the last several years. I know it was for his girlfriend's benefit. She kept chiming in. I am not one of those people on Jerry Springer. I'm not going to be antagonized like that.
These are the main pieces of the conversation. And I'm telling you what he told me, not just opinion. Any opinion I put in here I will put in ( ).

• He has talked to all his friends and have come to the conclusion that there is no reason why he shouldn't see or have been a part of her life. Actually not just a part but the decision maker. Even though he doesn't want custody of her, because he lives in a mostly black school district, he wants to be the primary caretaker but have her live with me. He feels that because he is her father, he can provide her with what she needs.
  
• He didn't do anything wrong or abusive . He doesn't feel that his relationship with Penelope after Harriet left as inappropriate. He feels that they needed each other and and they leaned on eachother. She slept in his bed to be closer, because of their special bond. Harriet didn't just live Penelope but him as well and they only had each other and even though most of it probably went over her head, telling her about his feelings helped them bond. (Seriously, this wasn't manipulative and emotionally damaging? Especially when you couple that with the extreme yelling when she did any little thing wrong... as well as her fears of being abandoned. And he won't even address the neglect. The condition of his home with bug infestation and rotting dead animals, or his care for her which consisted of pawning her off to other people who didn't do any better than himself.)
• He asked questions that that I don't know the answers to (and even if I did, my opinion doesn't matter.) I told him he needs to talk to Penelope's therapist (but then honestly I don't think he will listen to her either.) He wants to but he is mad at her because he claims they lied to him. At the end of last summer, he said that he was told that he'd get to see Penelope like 2 weeks after school let out for the summer. But he didn't. I remember Penelope going through a lot of flashbacks and fantasy world and meltdowns towards the end of school and it didn't get much better until the end of summer. When I brought up that things changed he said that no one told him that could happen. He was lied to.
  
• At one point he wanted to rehash why it was decided that he would see her less. I reminded him that it was a family/therapy decision right after she started therapy after she was released from her 2nd hospital stay. He "wanted me to know" that Penelope really wasn't going to commit suicide. She was acting out, for attention. People that really plan to kill themselves don't talk about it, they just do it. There was no need for her to have gone to the hospital. He said that Harriet used to "try" to kill herself by making small cuts on her wrists and show him. And he would tell her "You are doing it wrong. You have to cut lengthwise for it to work" as a way to call her out on her fake attempts. But he was upset that I didn't call him to come over and calm her down. Instead I called Papaw. He doesn't understand that Penelope was a freaking mess when he lived there and actually became calmer after he left. He was a trigger for her. I said why would I want him to come over? But then he told me that Penelope only acted that way to pit us against each other. (Which is total BS. He was the one who was constantly putting her in the middle and making her cry allll the time. She hated when we fought. He was the instigator, constantly poking the flames, trying to get me to blow up at him. I became so crazed in that situation, watching him make her cry on a daily basis, dealing with her meltdowns and fears and extreme emotions, worried about leaving her with him to the point I couldn't leave my house or sleep.)
• He also kept bringing up that Penelope "needs to know" that you have to work at a marriage. The reason he tried to go back to his second wife is because of his vow to her (even though she verbally, emotionally and physically beat Penelope). That you can't just give up when it turns out to not be perfect. When "something goes wrong", you work through it. He said "She'll understand when she is older." I asked "So I need to make sure that if Penelope marries someone that beats her, she needs to work it out?" He said "No, not if he abuses her." I said "So it's okay then for one of the parents abuses the kids." He said "No, but I don't believe Penelope was abused. Well, I think Debbie verbally abused her but didn't physically abuse her like she said. I mean, I know of one time but she felt really bad about that." But then started talking about all the things Debbie did to him. (See he doesn't want to talk about the abuse Debbie did inflict.. yes it's hard to prove the physical abuse but everything else Penelope has accused her of has come true. The emotional abuse she inflicted holding her responsible for her marriage problems and making her admit to turning her into to CPS as a means to kick her out of the house, even though no one called CPS and then listen to Debbie tell her Dad she didn't want a daughter etc.) I pointed out how scared Penelope was after she moved back. She was having nightmares almost every night of being murdered, kidnapped, abandoned and end of world stuff. Lots of tears, not sad tears but extreme fear/anxiety. Wetting the bed etc. He admitted that it could of happened but how was he suppose to know, he was on the road. (He feels all her abuse that she has sustain, the parts he is willing to admit to, which is all the ones that he can't be directly linked to. But everything else is a result of the fact that things happen.)
• He wants to talk to her every day so he can fix her problems. He actually said that. He wants to know what he needs to do so he can fix her. I told him that he can't do it, she has to do it and he has to be patient. I told him again about the primary caretaker role and therapy is through the daily interaction. That's why I'm Mom, not Aunt. He was upset because he feels replaced. He wants to know why he can't be the Mom/primary caretaker role. He thinks he can do it without without having to physically be there. Just be her coach and tell her what to do and tell me what to do for her (instead of me making these decisions and going to therapy with her and you know... EVERYTHING.) He is afraid I'm going to bring someone in to be her Dad since I am Mom. I told him he is Dad and he hasn't been replaced.
  
• My mom had told George about a transaction that she had with Penelope where Penelope was justifying why she was eating a midnight snack - that her and Dad always had midnight snacks. My mom asked Penelope if she wanted to live with her Dad and she said No. His response to her is "What was good enough for me, is good enough for Penelope." And then told story about how when he was in diapers, he had gotten out of the house and wondered down the street and a neighbor picked him up and took him to the mall 20 minutes away and she didn't even know about it. He said that our Dad told him that. George said that Mom was like "I don't remember, but I don't remember a lot of things..."(Found out later through talking to both my parents, he did try to claim that when talking to our Mom but she adamantly denied it and Dad said he never told him such a thing. It never happened.) Then, while George was crying, he wanted to know what bad things she was told about him to make her think it's better for her to live with me instead of him. I told him "Isn't that the message we have been telling her though? The reason why she live with Mom/Aunt is because it's better for her?" He knows that but never wanted her to believe it. He wouldn't admit it now but he admitted it once that he would tell her how someday she was going to move back with him behind my back, which stopped when he stopped seeing her.
• He also said that Penelope's therapists, and our Dad, all agree that Penelope would deal better with her Dad if she started seeing him and on a more frequent basis (like his therapist thinks.) I have verified with the therapists and my Dad that no such thing was said or would have been said.
  

I woke up the next morning, numb.. depression numb. Like everything is gray without color. It was familiar but something I hadn't felt in a long time. That in itself was depressing. I vowed not to allow him to make me feel that way again.

So, I emailed Penelope's therapist. George said he needs to hear from her within the week or he is calling the attorney. I'm guessing he is going to call the attorney anyway.

New things

Penelope and I are doing fairly well. It really depends on the issue. From a school standpoint, Penelope is mentally done with school. Dug her heals in and they are planted with no successful efforts to get her to move forward. We actually had an interesting conversation about two weeks ago regarding school. I've since learned it's not as dire as she felt at the time of the discussion - right AFTER attachment therapy, but it was a little alarming and depressing. It definitely had me in the dumps for a couple of days. She said she is purposefully failing her classes to send a message to her teachers to get off her back. She doesn't want to do any homework. I thought if she stayed after school everyday and did it there it would help her mentally deal with this responsibility. Not so much. Her grades are still poor. There were also incentives beyond getting a good grade, but that didn't do it for her. She talked about a boy in her Content Support Class (all IEP kids) who doesn't have to take all his classes. I suspect he is mentally disabled based on what she said. I told her that each child has different needs. She said "I know I'm smart (which used to not be the case) but I just don't want to do it. Just because I'm smart doesn't mean I have to. I don't HAVE to go to college." I struggle with can't and won't here. Motivation is such an issue here. She told me that she only wants to do what she wants to do and nothing else. She went on about how she doesn't have anything. When I disagreed with her on that, she clarified to say that she doesn't have anything that hasn't been given to her as a present or whatever, or that is really mine. She went on to talk about another boy in her class who has a job and earns money. He uses that money to buy things for himself. I asked her "Do you want a job?" She said "No. I just want to have those things." UGH. I told her that I understood everything that she said and can see that she is overwhelmed and frustrated. But I asked her "Penelope, what is it that you want? What do you want out of life?" She said "I just want to sit in front of a TV and not do anything or go anywhere. No school, no going out, just sit at home." Sounded like a very depressed kid to me. She complained about Grandma still living with us. She complained about not seeing Papaw very often. (However, I arranged for her to go to Papaw's this weekend and she didn't want to go.) I called him right then and arranged for her and I to spend the weekend at Papaw's without Grandma. It was good for her. But the rest of it. Just don't know how to help lift her up. We had decided to back off on attachment therapy to every other week. At first I thought it wasn't going to work - at least for me. I need that support. But I've adjusted now. We have stopped with Trauma therapy for now. It was too far and few between to be effective. I want to look into Neurological Reorganization. Penelope's attachment therapist knows of someone, of course just down the street from her office - which is an hour plus from home. But I think talk therapy is starting to become obsolete for Penelope. My hope is if we do this NR therapy that she be more pliable to EMDR and attachment therapy. It makes sense to me in my head but who knows.
Penelope is having some successes though. She signed up and tried out for cheerleading. Making the squad didn't happen, so that wasn't the success but the fact she put herself out there. I'm so proud of her! She was so nervous about it for the last few weeks and the Clinic started this past Monday. There were 25 girls for 8 spaces. She felt she was the worst of the group, BUT STILL KEPT GOING. Now it would have been nice if she had tried to practice before the try-outs besides during the clinics but that would have been the only thing she fell short on. She went through with the try-out that Thursday and handled the disappointment of not making it very well. She wants to do martial arts now that she didn't make cheerleading, which was recommended by her attachment therapist.
I've spoken to both her parents since the last post. I just conversed Harriet today. She hadn't sent her usual random "How's Penelope" email and I thought it would be a good move to update her without asking this time. When there is a lag in her follow ups to me that are over a month like this time, it makes me worry a little bit. She responded with how busy she has been and that she has some new health issues. The last couple of times we talked, she was having all her teeth removed because they were rotten and infected. She is waiting for everything to heal so she can get her dentures. Now she has to have a biopsy as she has a cyst on each ovary and a lump on one of them. She said her Aunt died of ovarian cancer. I'm not sure how serious her situation is this time, but it made me start to think about the likelihood Harriet will still be around when Penelope is ready to be reunited with her. Penelope would prefer never to see her birth mother again but what if she dies? The damage she has done to her body and her lifestyle, regardless that she is only in her early 30s, doesn't speak to a long life. Same with her father. He's a walking time-bomb. George wants to start talking to Penelope via email. The last time he emailed her she had a pretty bad reaction, and then his response to her response was very inappropriate - which I deleted before she could read it and put the emailing on hold. It all went down in a 12 hour period. He wants to start back up again. But he "instructed" me to have her therapist call him to discuss the dos and don't he needs to keep in mind when emailing her. Because something as simple as that is outside his capabilities. He also wants to "instruct" the therapist to make sure Penelope doesn't lie to him about dating a boy she really isn't dating. As I've posted about before, she fantasized that she was this boy's girlfriend and had everyone thinking as much by her stories and her behavior. She liked that life better than her real one so escaped into it. But see, he isn't seeing that. He is seeing the lie his daughter told him. What do you think? You think maybe he doesn't get it? Still? I relayed the information to the therapist as "instructed" and she said she would put it on her to do list but to let him know not to hold his breath. Honestly I haven't talked to him since my meeting with the attachment therapist. I came home that day and found out that he still belongs to that out-law biker gang that he was with when he got arrested and went to jail. My mother found out and called him and chewed him out. When my Mom told me, I couldn't help but laugh. I'm disappointed of course but how can we be shocked? This is what he does.
The downside to this is that Penelope was in the vicinity when her Grandmother was yelling at her father. Penelope picked up enough to know the right questioned to ask, but not enough to understand that Grandma has a legitimate beef with her father. So of course, Penelope was mad at Grandma for yelling at her dad. And of course, Grandma should have known better to have the conversation in ear shot of Penelope. But the cat is out of the bag. And my perspective is, if you don't want your daughter to know about it, than it's probably not something you should be doing. So, I had to sit down Penelope and explain to her how her Dad belongs to this gang and they broke the law and Dad was arrested and went to jail, and is now out on bond and what that means. That his bike was stolen and a portion of the money he received went to pay for his lawyer. She knew he nolonger had his bike - I told her after a few times of her hearing a loud motorcycle near the house and getting upset it might be her dad. But after knowing why he doesn't have his bike, SHE even suspected the bike wasn't stolen. Sad... but what a smart kid. All this news saddened her of course. She said "So my dad belongs to a gang..." I said "Yes." She said "He is so stupid!" I didn't respond.. She said "He used to belong to a gang, out in Indiana. That's why he was always with and I was always at 's house." I asked her if she knew anything about that group. She said she didn't. But she knew he belonged to it. What she is talking about is the K*K*K. His friend that she was talking about lived with George and Penelope. We didn't know that at the time. He is the older brother to the teenager who raped Penelope when she was 6 years old.
A brighter note... This week I should technically be an employee of the non-profit agency I've been working with. My boss loves me and tells me so on a regular basis.It's always good to get compliments, especially when you go through the emotional battles we do at home. But with that official status I will be getting a raise. So excited about that too. Broke right now but excited about the future!

Visit with niece and nephew

A couple weekends ago, I received a call from my twin brother saying that my nephew had been asking about me. So cute. He said "I haven't seen her in days!!!" It had actually been 3 weeks. But he's 6 so "days" is pretty accurate. It warmed my heart. I did make a promise to him to spend time with him. Sometimes it's the only way to get out of their house without a child wrapped around your leg! I definitely feel like a superstar at their house. Not so much at my house. haha. Anyway, I made arrangements to have Penelope and my Mom go stay at my parent's house for an overnight so I could have my niece and nephew over. I had talked to my brother about it in the past. The kids wanted to see my new place but with not being able to see Penelope, it's never happened. The only requirement was that I had to "get rid of Penelope" in that I had to remove all pictures of her, anything that would remind the kids of Penelope and put it in her room and then lock her bedroom door so the kids couldn't get in there. I understand. They don't want to trigger any deep seeded trauma from Penelope's sexual assualt.
The thing is, after this visit, I really don't know if that's possible. First of all, they were happy little buggers the entire time. well, excluding when they fought over how they wanted to divide my time between the two of them when they didn't want to do the same thing. We made pizza, watched a movie, played games and did crafts. But almost the entire time they had questions about Penelope. First, I have to navigate the lies my brother and his wife told their kids about Penelope. I first learned about the lie a few months ago when being interrogated by my just turned 4 niece who of course assumed it was true and I already knew that Penelope lived at a "camp" (residential care facility or jail depending on what their parent's definition actually is) and not with me. So they wanted to know where I keep Penelope's things now? When do I get to see her? How long is she going to be at the camp? When are they going to get to see her? Where is she right now? (That was based on the fact I didn't pick up on the lie right away and had answered a question -months ago mind you - that I do see her everyday.) I tried to answer their questions honestly but without breaking the undisclosed rule of telling them the truth. My nephew asked "Where is Penelope right now?" I said "She is at Grandma and Papaw's house." He said "She is? That is so wierd! Whenever I go there, she is never there!" But, I try to re-direct them to their parents for answers. That's what I've been told to do. Not discuss it with them but to re-direct it. But that's the problem. Their parents won't answer any of their questions either. They feel that they are young enough you can talk these circles around them and they will forget. They want these kids to forget Penelope ever existed. If she doesn't exist, it never happened, If it never happened, than my brother didn't fail his kids by not protecting them and allowing them to be hurt. That is what is going on here. I get it, I do. I think I grieved my brother's pain as much as I grieved for my niece and nephew. He was the one watching the kids when it happened.
Not during this time, but the time prior to that, my nephew asked me "How old will I be when I get to see Penelope again? Will I be 6 still? Maybe 7? Maybe I will be 10. What will I look like when I am 10? I guess like a 10 year old." It broke my heart.
These kids know something is big time wrong and it revolves around Penelope but they don't know what it is. And they are full of innocent questions.
I talked to Penelope's therapist about it. Just because it really bothers me. I love my niece and nephew just as much as I love Penelope. As I told my brother once, I would do the same thing for either one of them I have done for Penelope. I am worried how this is affecting them. She was saddened by what I told her and feels that what they are doing could be more harmful than what Penelope did. "Dishonestly will lead to dissension" she said. They don't see what Penelope did as traumatic. They only know the Penelope that is their cousin who they loved and adored - and still do. And now, no one wants to talk about her to them. I told her that my brother said that their intentions are that the kids never see Penelope again "in case I never made it clear to you." Penelope's therapist and I both feel that is just really sad because it doesn't have to be that way. She feels the hangup is the parent's hangup and they are inflicting it on their kids. I'm not saying trust Penelope around the kids without an adult present in the room watching what the kids are doing. I will never trust Penelope at that level again - just in case. But is this better for kids? Do they need to go through the loss of their cousin? If so, then they need closure. She recommended that the kids write goodbye letters. But really, would that do it? Penelope is not dead.

Changes

I know, I went off the grid for a while. I'm sorry. I feel like I've abandoned my online community which has always been supportive and a huge resource of information. I needed to disconnect. It wasn't a conscious decision but I had some personal initiatives I needed to really focus on. My main goal is to become financially independent. I started my business and had worked many hours getting certified, establishing a website and beginning a marketing plan. But the later part I wasn't hitting very hard because I had been promised clients from the person who lead me into starting this business. She talked about retiring and transitioning her clients to me. Plus she has connections - there was no concerns about not being able to have plenty of work. Well, that hasn't panned out at all. I'm disappointed but still forging ahead. I stepped up my marketing and through a progression of doors, I now have a great job completely unrelated to my business!
Now, I still want to have my business, and actually still need it. The doors I started to go through were placement agencies that specialize in what my business is in. The goal was to do project work for their clients. The problem I was running into is lack of experience in the software I became certified in. All my other skill sets needed measured well. Anyway, I had several meetings and the last person I met with called me the next day with an opportunity that had arrived on her desk during our meeting. Based on our conversation, she wanted me to consider it. Initially, I was hesitant. How could it possibly keep me going in the right direction. But the idea of accepting this job to supplement my business income and get me some kind of income now while I build my business kept outweighing that concern. But I didn't really want to go into a situation where I'd be temporary. That has been a hurdle in any position I've applied for in the past. I would feel underhanded if I went in and then left for something better later. So, I've worked my business model around so that I would go to this job during the (school) day and work my business in the evenings and weekends. I was looking for a part time job that would enable me to meet Penelope's one on one needs such as being the one to take her to school, pick her up on most days and attend all therapy/doctor appointments. Getting that flexibility will also give me flexibility with my business as well.
So I accepted the job and it's turned out to be great! More than I thought I'd be able to find in the form of benefits and compensation (on a part time level). Initally, it was a 23 hour/week job. I get to determine what hours I work and from where - home or at the office. The position is assisting the VP responsible for public policy advocacy of a huge non-profit. She said I'd meet lots of community and business leaders and elected officials and it would be great for my business. Sounds great right? Well, then my boss - who tells everyone how awesome I am (embarassing!) petitions me for 32 hours/week. With the flexibility, no problem. She even talks about full time, which I said was doable but ONLY if I still have the option to work from home when I need to. Still no problem! The problem is she doesn't have the budget for this position to be full time. But she wants me to be full time - for me! So I can get health insurance benefits and get tuition reimbursement. She is really pushing me to go back to school. Because she doesn't have the budget, she has talked another department in to sharing me so that I would work one day a week for the other department (that is related to my business) and get full time benefits. Her ideal for me is to have a professional position on her team - and she only hires candidates with master's degrees - or in school to get their master's. Okay, I know.. that's really getting away from the business - but let's talk about that. Did I tell you that some of the public policy initiatives she advocates for are close to all our hearts? They are related to our children's special needs. I don't talk about Penelope with her so I have to bite my lip alot but I get excited about what work I do related to these initiatives. It just tells me that the road I took to get here, even though it wasn't straight, it was intended. Plus things like getting employer contributed health insurance and employer paid tuition? Hello!? Things that were pipe dreams.
All this and it's only been 1 month!
Penelope has been doing pretty good lately. We still have our challenges for sure but she has really learned to self-regulate which has helped a great deal. She is completely off her meds and I think she is doing better than ever.
Looking back, I think our success over the last few months has been strictly with being very hypersensitive to where her limits are. Prioritizing expectations. Not requiring them all at once. Slowly adding to her norm and let her adjust to each step. I thought maybe I was letting her get away with too much, enabling her. But patience is what she needed, something I can lack when it comes to Penelope. I push but lightly. I try to keep my pushing within her limits but ground gaining at the same time. If I push to hard, we get setbacks. Cleaning and chores is something that I have decided to back off on for the time being. Another thing is making sure to identify issues that could/should be handled by someone else and "outsource" them. Homework has been an issue for a while. I tried to let it be her issue, but then she just let it pile up and overwhelm her. I tried to make it a requirement but then she just lied about what her homework was and there was really no way to check it (we tried). Plus she started blaming me for "making her" do her homework. Not owning her choice to do it in order to get to watch TV. One week I took TV away from her for breaking a big rule and she stopped doing her homework. Why do you think she stopped? Because she doesn't get to watch TV so there is no point in doing homework. So I threw up my hands and "outsourced" it. Now, she is doing it. Her teacher has put in place incentives for complete homework assignments - beyond a good grade. Good grades are not immediate enough of a reward. Tardies are way down because she gets to listen to music while she works on assignments on Friday during one of her bells if she has no tardies for the week. That was huge for her. Also, she goes to a homework room after school to do her homework, which keeps her in the school mindset. When she gets home, she is ovewhelmed with the distractions just waiting for her - tv, food, pets etc.
She is less mouthy at home now. She brushes her hair and her teeth regularly. She is making her own breakfasts. She even is starting to help out with some chore related tasks - as long as she doesn't perceive them as chores or cleaning. We are getting there! Adding on a little at a time so at a certain point she is going to look back and go "What was the big deal?"
We have even decided to back off to every other a week attachment therapy and neurofeedback. We are still going to trauma therapy as often as we can. She still has some serious issues to deal with. One of the more prevalent issues she is dealing with is her dysfunctional relationship with the male gender. On one hand she is obsessed with boys but then on the other hand, she is afraid of them. She is looking for love, but is attracted to power. The boy she crushes on is a trouble maker and bully. He has been mean to her even but she only sees him as perfect and wonderful. She wants to be with him so badly that for almost a month she had her therapists and family believing that they were dating - full of stories about time they see each other at school and the wonderful things he says to her. It was hard to know if it was true. Her teacher did some PI work for us and said that it doesn't seem like it's true. Her stories were so dramatic, we had to know for sure. It turned out it was completely false and she was just living in a fantasy world she had created. She wanted to know what it would feel like to be his girlfriend so she imaged it and lived there in her head when she was at home. But she knew it wasn't real, just a person she'd rather be so played the role. We had to bring her around to refocusing all that energy in reality. She still does a fantasy thing saying things about how he gives her attention that I'm sure he doesn't. But that talk has lessened as she becomes more independent and doing more for herself. She talks a lot a LOT about the boys in her class, but mostly about how she is mean to them. She came out and said that she has rules. Rules that will never change, so don't try. If a boy is mean to her, she has to be mean back but worse. If a boy hurts her, she has to hurt them worse. Boys need to be scared of her in order for her to feel safe. She talks a lot about how mean she is to boys but in the same breath will talk about how she thinks they like her and want to be her boyfriend. I'm not sure where that comes from but her Dad was like that but in reverse. Any girl that said "Hi" "Boo" "Hiss" had the hots for him in his eyes. I always made a point to keep my friends away from him because he'd act like an idiot around them.
Anyway, the concern is that her feelings about the male gender is going to end her up pregnant. She is looking for acceptance and love at all costs.
The other big issue we have is she has developed a compulsive eating disorder. Pretty much always been there but over the past couple years, it's just escalated. Her father has a severe eating disorder and it's killing him. Growing up with her dad it was either feast or famine. Her mother starved her, her father fed her fast food breakfast, lunch and dinner, her step mother punished her by withholding food (and other things)... Penelope lost a lot of weight during that 6 months. If she was offered food she didn't eat, because she was afraid that her step-mother poisoned it. With me, I've tried to allow a certain amount of comfort food but mix in or do healthy versions of it. It hard to teach her proper eating when at the age of 8 when I got her, her favorite food was "the food at BP" when you were looking for an answer like "Italian." You stock the house full of fruit and vegetables but she'd rather starve than eat that stuff. She has added certain healthy foods to her acceptable food list but we continue working on that at home. I've bought some books for now on compulsive eating. Her AT has talked about down the road referring her to center that helps with eating disorders. She likes the approach at home for now since we are focusing on other issues right now. Things that can help with the reasons she has these compulsions.

Behavior Plan

Here is an example of a Problem Solving Chart that was part of her Behavior Plan.

I wanted to post this as something that has benefited Penelope at school. She didn't start using it until last year - due to her very helpful Intervention Specialist who was awesome at helping Penelope breakdown her emotions and figure out the sources. Before that, when she would act out (more severe than what is listed as examples on here), her teachers would just scratch their heads in amazement and not do anything afraid to not handle it correctly and send her back to the hospital.

Weekend Break

I haven't seen Penelope in 1 1/2 days. She went to spend the weekend with her Papaw. She is being good for Papaw. Good. I have been helping my Mom with some of her real estate stuff. Makes me feel like I'm contributing since I still don't have any clients. I need to really focus on a strategy to get clients. What I'm doing isn't working. But not today. Today I'm cleaning this house. Didn't have time yesterday with my Mom's deadlines for stuff. It's been nice not having to juggle Penelope and something else. Needed that break.
Feeling very unsure about things lately. I know some of it has to do with my lack of employment, but things are changing with Penelope. I am again on uncharted territory with her and lacking confidence in handling it. My analytical brain is telling me to plan. Prepare. Strategize. My lack of confidence and motivation is telling me to go back to bed and avoid it.
Penelope is doing this whole teenager thing now, but it's the kind that wants to be a bad*ss. I'm trying to remember what she said the other day but basically it was "I don't want to the do the right things because that's not cool. I want to be cool." Shortly later I found her hiding from me because she didn't want me to see the fact she had taken a marker to her hair to color it. She wanted the last couple inches of the hair that framed her face to be blue. She was "smart" enough to use washable marker because she didn't want to get into tooo much trouble. That's a start. I did require her to wash it out before bedtime. But it became a big argument - at least on her part. I didn't engage. I just didn't make not washing it an option. I said "It's good that you decided to use washable marker because I'd hate to have to take you to get your hair cut off tomorrow." That woke her up a bit. She said "Yeah, I'm glad I didn't. I have been working at growing my hair out." I said "Yep, and there was tough annoying times for you with it." But I told her not to use marker again on her hair or it will have to be cut in order to prevent it from happening again.
She also picked out her outfit for school for the first time in a very long time. Usually I have to pick it out because she just can't decide and put it together. It was a little wierd but I'm not going to start that with her. I know she is showing some normal teenager rebellion. But it anything "normal" with RAD kids? It's like twilight zone normal. She is starting to make friends though which is good. There are some bad apples at her school, just like any school, but we are in a nice community with very involved parents so most of the kids are your average well rounded kids. Penelope is the one that these parents should worry about. So the social aspect of her life is good but tends to bring opportunity for bad.
The other thing is that her therapy hasn't been very consistant lately. Her trauma therapist that does the EMDR is so sought after that I can barely get scheduled with her. We were doing weekly to almost weekly, than the holidays hit and then she was sick, then the weather. It had been a month since we had seen her. We go in and have our session, which was kind of a backtracking session, then we go to schedule and she isn't available until next month. I guess I feel frustrated because she is like the only person around that does this for RAD, but her clients are across the board. WE need her. I know that's being selfish but it's hard enough trying to find any help let alone help that is only part time RAD. You know, I consider mental health needs more important than academic needs. She can catch up academically. Maybe if I start trying to access her schedule that is before school is out, she will see how serious this is to us. I don't want to be wasting our time and money. They are $90 a pop. I don't feel once a month is affective help. It doesn't help that last week, after Penelope had a meltdown over me asking her to clean and trying to deal with her overall giving up attitude, we went to therapy an hour away and we didn't get a chance to have therapy with Penelope because she accidentally booked someone 30 minutes after our session was to start. We are suppose to get 1 1/2 hours. So we pushed off the planned discussion to this past week and she called and cancelled. I know things come up but it just is another reminder that we are in this alone. I am Penelope's Mom is 100% responsible for her mental health resources. I hate that feeling. I can't do it alone. I know that. It's hard enough with her support team.
I have to think and get on top of this. Not now though. I need to clean. Clean house helps with a clean head.

Finally going to write an update

I'm not sure why I have fought blogging for such a long time. My last real post about Penelope and I was right after the new year. After the holidays were over and was still whirling about that. Penelope has, I think over all, improved. But it's a new set of challenges.
One may be something I've created but I don't think so. I think it was the right decision. I have taken her off almost all her medication. She is still on an anti-depressant but I have had her taken off of her ADHD medication and her mood stabilizers. I may regret the mood stabilizers as she continues down the road of puberty. But I feel like the neurofeedback and attachment therapy has done wonderful things for her ability to be less hyper and more in control of her emotions. I can't say that about her impulse control, but I don't think any of her meds can help her with that.
We still have a lot of things going to work on, but when you break them down and look at the issues while she was medicated, they were there then as well. Her grades and effort in school was poor before, and still is. We are addressing that with tutoring and an after-school homework program. Her baby-talk has pretty much gone away since she went off the meds. Which is a plus! I don't think it's related but it HAS happened. Now she has adopted snotty back-talking teenager talk. She doesn't cuss. She does the eye rolling and "Whatever!" and anytime you talk to her it's like you are bothering her. She likes to stomp off and slam doors. She talks constantly. She has a "boyfriend" she says. This has brought up good and bad affects with her. She is starting to have friends at school. But her "happiness" is tied to this boy. She "loves" him and he loves her and they are going to be together forever!!!!! she says.
We have been working on her self-esteem. Even before the boyfriend. The boyfriend has artificially helped her esteem but it's also made her snotty. Snotty isn't the right word.. the B word is more proper. But I'm trying to be nice! I've been struggling with this new Penelope as I'm not sure how to approach her. I try some of my old methods and she tells me I'm treating her like a little kid. In the heat of the moment I struggle at coming up with an approach because my brain is pre-occupied with pictures of my hands around her throat! I stammer and have to take a break and try to think rationally to come up with a solution. By then I have to go find her and then speak. During what I have to say she constantly interrupts and says things like "I don't want to talk about it." "Go away! Leave me alone!" Okay, I'm venting now. I was saying... we have been working on her self-esteem. Shortly after the holidays, right after the end of 2nd quarter in school, Penelope went into a rut. She pretty much was giving up on herself. She stopped doing homework, stopped helping me at all, and just seemed super depressed. She have good happy moments, but only when she was being entertained and stimulated by someone else. If I talk about the cats and how funny they are, she perks up, but before that and not too long after, she was bored and depressed. She couldn't do anything. She can't do her homework, pick up her room, do anything you asked. You would talk to her about it and she start back on thoughts she had a few years ago. "I'm too stupid.." or "I'm not worthy of it." and that was it for me. So her AT suggested that she start doing affirmations. I had tried to get her to do that in a mirror but that was too difficult for her. So her AT suggested just saying it outloud - to herself. And that every night at bedtime we will go through her successes for the day. This helped a lot I believe. We had a hard time finding successes in the beginning but we started small. She made it to school on time, she brushed her hair, she helped me carry groceries in from the car. Then we built up to other things like she took a bath, she was nice to Grandma, she did a little bit of homework. But then when I started pushing on the homework and chores - she regressed and started being late to school again and bathtime is a pain. Chores is her line. Homework is up there but chores of any kind she acts like I'm a slave driver. Actually, she told me that last weekend when I told her that were were going to clean together that day. She told me that I was a slave driver and that I am always making her clean. To be completely honest and transparent on this subject - I haven't asked her to clean in weeks, focusing on the small stuff. So to a point I blame myself for allowing her to get out of this habit. It's just so HARD to get her to do it that sometimes I just skip her and do it myself to just get it done. The other problem is, I needed to get the place clean so that I could move on with my to-do list so I pushed. And pushed.. and she pushed back. I tried different techniques that have worked in the past - to no avail. Then I resorted to the traditional guilt method which of course didn't work either, only pissed her off. I even mentioned Soup Kitchen and that just set her off. I was so done and emotionally spent that I barely got anything done. And by that night she was talking about killing herself. Not because she hates herself or feels no way out, but so that everyone would feel bad for her and realize they should stop pushing her! Geesh.
Well, I took that nugget of news to therapy last week. She felt that was Penelope trying to manipulate me. I knew that. But what do I do with this kid? I mean, I'm trying to build up her self-esteem and praise her on the littlest things but then how do I get her to start contributing and doing what she needs to do? And her attitude! Oh my! She feels Penelope is being lazy and she may need to go on Soup Kitchen. I agree. Maybe I should have just pulled the trigger on that one. I told the AT how I've been trying to take the approach of Penelope needing to be part of the family and what family do for each other. And how I won't do something for her until she starts treating me like family. She liked that and said that she would talk to Penelope about being part of the family and if she refuses, she will be the bad guy and prescribe Soup Kitchen. Well, the appointment ended up getting cut short because of an overbooking of appointments so we will see. I may grow strength this week and just do it myself.
But even with all that, I still think she is improving. Oh, and to explain the lack of meds issue.. I just worry about her overall health. I also feel like they are a crutch for her and masking things she needs to work on now rather than later. I'm not against putting her back on something if necessary but I think we need to make sure she needs it. She is a different creature than she was before.
So, that's Penelope. The things that have been going on for me, that inevitably impact Penelope, is that I'm trying to start my own business. I spent hours creating a very cool website and ordered business cards. I would love to share it with you because I'm pretty proud of myself but then there goes that whole anonymity thing. I'll just say it's small business consulting. A woman I met at the cemetery is helping me start this business. She does contract bookkeeping services for several businesses. She is looking to retire and is planning on rolling her clients over to me. I have an accounting background but also want to market my HR related services as well. I became certified in the accounting software she uses .Anyway, I don't have any clients yet. I have been going over her house and practicing on the software by processing one of her clients for her. It helps me by learning and it helps her by doing it for her. She had major surgery recently and only has use of one hand so I helped her. Besides her clients, she is trying to help me find other clients via contacts she has. Her clients are only part time work. I need to get started soon because I need to start drawing income.
My house is STILL in my name. My house is part of that whole foreclosure freeze. The difference is - THEY CAN HAVE IT. We have moved but I still have to pay for heat there and it's expensive there. I keep the thermostat at 50 but it's still over $150/mo. I also STILL have some boxes there. I didn't really truely know how much stuff I had until this move. Most of what's left is just storage stuff. Stuff I can't let go of, memorabilia from high school and college time. But it's been hard to get the stuff driving Mr. Daisy (aka George) to all his doctor's appointments. Plus he always wants to run errands every time I take him to his appointments. It kills my day. But I do it for my parents - to help them out. It was starting to consume my days so my parents started trying to help me out but George is so good at pissing everyone off that I have tried taking it back over completely. My Dad has heart problems and my Mom takes it out on everyone when she gets bent out of shape. He pisses me off too but I give it back. So do they but I'm younger I guess? I probably put up with more than they do. I just do as is needed and that's it. I think it helps that I don't love him as my as our parents do. I'm sure I love him a little - he is my brother. But I wouldn't do have the stuff they do for him.
Last Tuesday was an interesting day in that I had a heart to heart with both my twin brother B and George. B was still not talking to me or at least made no effort to talk to me since the whole thing went down regarding giving his son a cold shower for pooping his pants. My mom was done with the cold war going on and intervened and scheduled me over B's house for Tuesday morning to hash it out face to face. We had an okay talk about the whole thing but I think it's still a little unresolved. He feels that I don't think he is a good Dad and don't trust him. I told him that was not the case. He said that it wasn't what I sent him in the video. They didn't give him a cold shower, but that they gave him a shower with his clothes on and because he doesn't like warm water they kept turning it down until it was cool. He didn't even tell me this until an hour into the conversation. He didn't want to tell me. Why? Because I should just trust him. That is why is was mad at me. I had asked him who recommended it to him and he told me that the person (he wouldn't tell me) had recommended it his wife to give him a shower in his clothes - that her son had the same problem at the same age and that fixed it. They don't like it. Well, this is different than what he had told me on the phone. I told him that. I said "Why didn't you correct me when I told you about the video?" He said "I didn't feel that I needed to explain myself." Really? I told him "It wasn't about explaining yourself, it was about clarifying what you said." I told him I do trust him but when someone says "I gave my son a cold shower" I'm going to base my thinking off that. He said "If you had told me that, you wouldn't have wanted me to say something to you, would you?" I said "YES. If I did something over the line I would want someone to say something. It's hard being a parent and I get that. I know that it can make people snap. We just have to be strong enough not to snap. I thought you were kidding at first and when you didn't say you were, I really became worried. Because you would be one of the last people I would think to intentionally hurt one of your children. But you didn't and I still don't understand why you didn't correct me." He said "I should have to." That is where we are not quite there. I don't get it. Anyway, it was a hard conversation. I told him that part of my need to say something has to do with Penelope and what happened to her. Here we are as her family and we didn't stop it. I mean we did eventually but not when she was little. When she first went into hospital, they wanted a social history on her and things that my parents said, I didn't know about. Things that I thought "How did we know that and not do anything??" It was hard to think that we could have done something sooner. When you live with a child who has been through so much pain and shows it to you every day, it changes you. Penelope had recently asked me, during a time she was mad at me and wanted her Dad, than realize the reality of it.. "Why didn't you save me sooner?"
So after that heart felt emotional time with B, I had to go pick up George to take him to his aquatic therapy. He got on me for being early because I should have known that he didn't need to be there extra early to change into swim trunks this time because he told me it was an assessment. I didn't know! Ever since he got his new girlfriend, he likes to put women down - including her. He calls her butterfly because he thinks she is flighty. So lately when I don't know something he has to tell me I don't know, or if I do, he has to prove he knows more. Whatever. I'm secure enough in myself to know I'm smarter than him. Period.
Anyway, he gets in the car and wants to know immediately what I think of his new girlfriend - who I've met once. I said "Um.. she's nice.... It's not her fault. haha." He said "It's not her fault? That she likes me?" I said "Yes, like you are just that magnetizing." He didn't get it so I dropped it. He said "Well, she likes you a lot." Ok.... He said "She wants the two of you to become friends, hang out or just talk on the phone - become friends." I said "That's not going to happen." He said "Why not?" I said "It's not her, she seems nice. It's about you and me. We don't get along. We "get along" as brother and sister but fundamentally we don't get along." That's as nice as I could say it. He got it. He said "So... because you hate my guts.. ha ha.. you can't be friends because you don't want her to have to get in the middle of it." I said "Pretty much. I don't know what you have told her about Penelope.." He said "I've told her. She knows she can't see Penelope because it will upset her that maybe you are being replaced or something." I said "True.. for now, but it's about you George. I'm talking about you. I don't want to be in a position where I'm suppose to bite my tongue or clarify things when she says lies and half-truths that you have told her about why you can't see Penelope. I don't want to put her in the position of having to learn it from me either. Her and I can't be friends." He didn't respond but he didn't like it. I said "And you can tell her whatever you want to tell her, but I don't recommended going about it the way you did with Marlene - having her think that Mom and I hated her or something." He claimed to never had said that. See Marlene was his first girlfriend after his second wife. Penelope and George were living with me. George was separated and was secretly still trying to reconcile but ran into an old girlfriend from jr. high. She had a daughter the same age as Penelope. Penelope was a freaking mess - having been beaten and screamed at on a regular basis and then kicked out and blamed for the separation by the step-mother. She didn't need to be around a new woman. George disagreed. George and Marlene's first date was Halloween and George ended up leaving Penelope overnight at Marlene's mother's house while no one could get a hold of either George are Marlene to see what happened to them. I had gotten a call that next morning from Penelope saying "Daddy forgot me" and not knowing where she was.. because she didn't know the people that were babysitting her. I was at my parents that night so I didn't know they never came home. I digress. BAD MEMORIES. When my Mom and I enforced that Penelope can't be around Marlene, Marlene broke up with George because he was a wimp letting his mother and sister do that. He never told her about the abuse. He didn't feel it was related. So I told George "Brittany (Marlene's daughter) doesn't want to be friends with Penelope because of what you did to her Mom." He didn't understand that saying that he had seen her recently and they were on good terms. I said "But Brittany was there and say her Mom upset. She isn't stupid." George than said "It is the general opinion people have, except for you." I said "What, letting a child around a new girlfriend?" He said "No, I mean that Mom and Dad try to control me." I said "Oh really? Did you forget to tell them that Mom and Dad have had to bail you out left and right your entire life, financially, legally? That you go to them for advice and ask permission, which you typically don't follow anyway which ends you in these financial and legal pitfalls that you need being saved from??" "He said "I don't tell anyone anything." I said "Oh, so they just figured it out on there own. When is the last time one of your friends have been around Mom or Dad? Never, so the only way they could have gotten that information is if you said it." He said "They think they are controlling because I live in their house." An investment house they wanted to sell... I said "And where would you be living if you weren't living in that house?" He thought about it and said "Probably some crappy one bedroom apartment." I said "Exactly. Poooooor Baaaaby." He lived with me before he moved into that house. I was ready to go jump off a bridge I was so miserable with him living there.. Constantly yelling at me, constantly threatening to take Penelope back to his ex-wife's who abused her, constantly yelling at Penelope, trying to put a wedge between her and I - and I still didn't know if (not that I know for sure now) he was sexually abusing her or not. My parents were gracious enough to offer for him to live in this 3 bedroom newly remodeled house at cost. At cost was before remodeling. Poor Baby. Okay.. now I'm venting again.
There are good things. My mom and I are getting along better than ever. My dad and I are getting along better than ever. And I see a light at the end of the tunnel with this new business.

Still here

t,i don't know if i just got out of the practice of it or if it nolonger was therapudic for me or what. i know that it's harder for me to blog due to my mom always on her computer which is right next to mine. that makes it hard to do it with any privacy. i'm currently writing using my cell phone. it won't let me capitalize any letters - obviously. i'm sitting in the waiting room at attachment therapy while penelope gets neurofeedback. there is a ton of patients here today. there is a boy in the waiting room with his dad. the boy is obviously rad. he is purposefully trying to embarass his dad in front of me. i want to tell the dad "don't worry, i have one too." she was doing it 20 minutes ago in front of other people. not as bas has son, but then everyone is in different places in there healing and the roller coaster of coping abilities. penelope is actually on the up swing. there is also a girl, who sounds like she is in her teens, who keeps yelling loud enough we can hear her out here. from what the dad and son has said, i gather that it's the sister who is with the mom. i feel for these parents. i feel for these kids and what they are dealing with to cause them to be so hypervigilent and compelled to control their environment. but then i also wonder if i say something to the dad if he'd say "he doesn't have rad" i would feel bad. how would i know. i only know illness. consumed with it i feel. which might be why my twin brother is pissed at me right now. last week i heard from my dad that my nephew who turned 6 recently had pooped his pants. the boy has had potty problems, especially pooping problems way before they began potty training him and definitly before penelope sexually assaulted him. i'm not saying it isn't related because i know it could be. i was talking to my brother a couple days later and asked him how my nephew was doing. he sounded frusterated that i had heard. he said, "so you heard about the shower." i had not. he told me that they gave him a cold shower. that someone recommended it. they had to wash the poop off anyway but he did scream and cry. my heart broke. i didn't know what to say. something had to be said. but i'm the "mom" of the "sexual predator" as he puts it that hurt his son. i've made a point to not make parenting recommendations. which to be honest is hard because i've seen the value of not yelling, not punishing and parenting with love and logic. but i parent an ill child. she is my one and only and i have nothing to compare it to. plus i'm not her birth mother and viewed that way. i'm not sure i buy into the thought that you have to give birth to know how to parent. anyway i had to say something and i did. i had seen a dr. ph*l show where a mom on there gave her son cold showers whenever he got in trouble at school. a bunch of guest professionals were in the audience and between them and the outraged moms, she was properly chastized. i told him about the show. he said "so are you saying i was wrong?" i said "i didn't say that. i am just saying a bunch of psychologists said it was wrong." he tried to down play it by saying that my nephew is sensitive to hot water and complains his bath water is too hot. later that evening i found a link to the show and sent it to him. a few hours after that, i got a nasty gram via text saying that i have crossed the line and that they don't tell me how to parent penelope and sarcastically asked if there was any other way i feel there are any other way they have failed their kids. i gave it a couple days and responded that i was sorry and i think they are great parents and i love all of them very much. that was 4 days ago.

Broken Family Christmas

I definitely know it could be worse. My goal was to just get through it and come out the other side with minimal damage. I should probably discuss with Penelope how she felt about how it went but I don't expect honesty. I think she has been muddling through the holidays herself by masking the problems in a layer of tinsel and powered sugar. Very much avoidance and denial. I do think she is turning the bend and starting down that road of teenager-dom that I've been rushing therapy and healing in for. That point where the effect of my efforts start to deminish and for the most part, I just try to keep up and hold on.

Not that there is still isn't a lot of baby-ish stuff going on. Baby-talk was very present during winter break, understandably. She feels safer in that state. She also wanted a Norman Rockwell Christmas. We got the tree up and the decorations out and Penelope wanted to invite the neighbors for a tree trimming party. Penelope and Grandma bought cookie tins and made a ton of sugar cookies to give to our new neighbors (who never recieved them.) She kept talking about wanting a Barbie Doll for Christmas and if she didn't get a Barbie Doll for Christmas, her Christmas would be ruined. (She didn't get a Barbie Doll for Christmas.) Every night before Christmas, she'd lay under the tree with her presents surrounding her. She even asked if she could sleep there one night. (No.)

We did end up going to Church during the week of Christmas. Our church doesn't have service on Christmas - too many members to accommodate. But they have a special show a couple times a day during the week of Christmas that was very educational and entertaining. We were invited by Penelope's 4th grade teacher/tutor/friend. I couldn't get Penelope to go to church before this but I'm hoping to work off of this visit to get her to start going back. I've posted about it before, but Penelope gets very anxious at Church to the point she has a hard time breathing. It's because she feels like she shouldn't be there - like she doesn't deserve to be there because of all the bad things she has done. After the show, the audience is invited to participate in their annual Krispy Kreme Community Outreach thing where you pick up a box of doughnuts in the lobby on the way out and deliver them to a place of business where people are working. Penelope saw the opportunity to pick up a box of doughnuts for herself. I could tell that was what she was doing. So could the lady who was handing her the box. She looked at me for assurance that we were going to give it away. I said "It's okay. She can take one." The lady gave Penelope a box and we headed out the door to catch up with Laurie. I figured this would be a good lesson for Penelope. A lesson in listening. And a lesson in giving. I said "You know you can't keep those doughnuts. You have to give them away. That's what they are for." She said "I can't? Well... then I'll give them to Grandma (who is back at the house and wouldn't want them and ultimately give them back to Penelope.)" I said "Ohhh no. You have to give them to people who are at their jobs right now." I told Laurie that Penelope picked up a box. She knew right away what was going on. Penelope said "But I don't want to do that. You take it." Laurie chimed in, "Nope, you took them, you have to give them away..... So where should we go?...." making her want not an option. Laurie and I started to discussing places to go while Penelope started to get nervous and whine a little in the back seat. We decided to go to the Fire/Police Station that is on the way to Laurie's house. We drove around looking for a door for Penelope to go in or knock on. We booted her out of the car to knock on a door. A man in a uniform came to the door. Penelope's body language was priceless. She wouldn't make eye contact and handed him the box of doughnuts. She said "These are from Church." There was a note from the church stuck to the top explaining what we were doing. He was very nice and thanked her gratiously. She ran to the car. We waved to him and left. I asked Penelope how she felt. She said "Freaked out!" Odd answer. I said "In a good way or a bad way?" She said "A good way." She admitted it made her feel good. But then a few minutes later she said "I want doughnuts." Of course.

Our actual Christmas was nothing like how we usually celebrate it. Though it is typical to have to work around my twin brother's schedule because his wife's family is huge and there is at least 2 if not 3 events on that side. We would always have to fight for either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day to see him and his family. There have been arguements and hurt feelings about that. We still had to work around that. Not Penelope and I necessarily, but my parents. My twin brother was having our side of the family's Christmas on Christmas Day. At his house. Penelope isn't invited of course. Understandably. Everyone else is. We celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve with my parents. Because they were going to be having the big dinner at my brother's we opted for an early dinner of sandwiches, chips and salad. Then we opened presents, well... Penelope opened presents. I had asked my parents to get Penelope a Wii for Christmas and not get me anything - since they are expensive. She needs to have things that other kids she goes to school has, as well as something she'd like that isn't a "toy." They agreed. My mom did get me a scarf for my winter coat. Penelope loved her gifts and fortuntely didn't complain about not getting a Barbie Doll. She did comment saying it was okay because she is sure Santa would bring her one. Yes, she is still claiming to believe in Santa. Yes, she is 13 1/2 years old.

Around 7pm after the presents were opened, my parents had to leave to go to a party at my Dad's best friend's house that he goes to every year. Penelope and I were invited. My mom really wanted us to go but I just didn't feel like having Penelope around all those different kids would be safe and it's not like they have told anyone what she did. To hide it from the adults, I couldn't keep Penelope from playing with the kids. Just not a good situation. It wasn't an option. So we hung out and played Wii the rest of the night. My parents did come back and stay the night with us.

The next day was Christmas and Penelope recieved earrings from Santa. She was disappointed but didn't really say anything. My parents left late morning to go to my twin brother's house. I sent the presents I bought for my niece and nephew. It was hard not getting to see them open them. I heard they loved them. It was hard not getting to see my twin brother as well. I texted him later that night but he didn't respond until the next day. Penelope and I spent the day playing games and hanging out. I made her favorite food for dinner - chili. We just enjoyed a nice day just her and I. My mom got back to the house late and I went to bed. That was a hard night.
Penelope seemed to take things in stride. I don't know if she knows who all was at her Uncle's house. It was everyone including George and my Aunt who came to Thanksgiving. Everyone except us. For me, the hard part is that George got to be there. I have a hard time with that.