"Make your dreams bigger than your fears"

 I've been away for a couple of months and have been trying to work on me for a change. Not that Penelope's needs are still not the priority. But after Penelope started doing well in school and at home, I went into a deep depression. It felt like a slippery slope that I couldn't get a grip on no matter how hard I tried - to the point I stopped trying. But before I did that, I asked for help. I asked my Mom and I had a bit of a meltdown at Penelope's therapy session. Well, it was more of a 30 minute crying session. Title of that 30 minute session was called "Guilt." Guilt for not being a stronger person - guilt for having, what seemed to be, a completely random episode of depression - guilt for allowing it to affect my progress to getting back on my feet. My thoughts were not my own anymore. I felt obsessive about everything, worried about everything, on the brink of an emotional breakdown but I couldn't understand why? Penelope is doing well. I've been at worse places in my life, and I'm not saying that I wasn't depressed but I felt like I had reason to be.
Penelope's AT told me that my depression is because I now have time to focus on myself, let my guard down a little, so my body is taking the time to process and have it's own time to heal. She said that sometimes depression can be a good thing for our bodies. Just like sleep, it's a time to regenerate. Or something like that.I am doing better now. I decided I needed to prioritize what was important to me and decide how much of it I had the emotional energy to do and just focus on those things until I felt better. Weather the storm so to speak. My basically couldn't do my business anymore. I lost that one client and just turned away any new business, focused energy on keeping my part time job, and made a point to have plenty of me time. Sometimes I spent that me time curled under the covers of my bed. I admit. But I read, I consciously made an effort not to stew over all the worries I have about Penelope, family, or work, or finances. I would rent a movie and pop some popcorn and curl up with the kiddies on the couch at 1:00 in the afternoon. The meds helped too.
Now off of me and on to Penelope. When I say Penelope is doing well, I mean doing well in the grand scheme of things. Of course we still have RAD related challenges but not at severe as they used to be. Actually, we had Attachment Therapy last night and her therapist recommends moving our sessions to every 3 weeks instead of every other week. We've been at every other week for about 3 or 4 months. She said that Penelope is doing better than 90% of her patients. When she said that, you could see her exhaustion.
She is such a great therapist. Besides the fact each of her ideas and responses are well thought out and insightful, she is able to keep a professional distance but you know that she truly cares. She is such an essential part of our life and success and to see her this way says a lot to me about how she recognizes that responsibility to her patients.
I asked about Penelope's outlook.I told her I haven't heard or read too much about kids who have Reactive Attachment Disorder that end up resolving their attachment issues and be able to have a semi-normal life. I even attended a support group once shortly after Penelope had sexually assaulted her cousins, at a very low moment in our journey, hoping to hear some good things to inspire hope. Everyone there with an adult RAD had either not talked to their child in a long time or there was this one woman who didn't even know where her 19 year old daughter was, just knew she was pregnant and homeless.
She said Penelope is doing well - even with the challenges we are dealing with currently - she can really see her attachment issues are on there way to being resolved. She actually said that! She said that she believes a big part of the reason was me. She said that a lot of parents can't help but lock horns with their child, which is polarizing. I make a point not to do that but to be strategic in how I handle situations. I think about the impact on Penelope and how what I decide to do or say will get the end result I'm looking for. I talk about the consequences, positive or negative of her actions.She also said that I address issues morally neutral. I agree I do that. I try to think of why she lies or steals or.. etc. instead of think things like "I can't let her be a bad person (because she lies or steals or etc.)" and approach those situations that way. She said that at the recent conference she went to, that was the consensus on making the difference. But she knows how difficult being able to do these things are. She knows how difficult it was for me. It's been so hard and painful and down right hellish. I just kept telling myself, "You CAN do it. You WILL get Penelope through this." So many times this was challenged. I doubted myself, "Can I do this? Is the sacrifice worth it?" and  many times I didn't know if I could say Yes. I didn't know if I could survive it. But then I would contemplate the alternative and what would happen and I just couldn't let it be an option.
To have this conversation with her - after getting through this deep depression, feeling very much like a shell of who I once was, it validates that it has all been worth it. I can do this. I am doing it.