Penelope & emails

I can FINALLY blog again. I don't know why I couldn't post before but now the blogger is all new and I think I like it!

So Penelope is in her third week of school. I think the honeymoon period is coming to an end but things seem to be going well. Her first week, she couldn't have been more ideal with getting herself up, dressed, made her own breakfast, packed her own lunch and riding her bike to school in a timely manner. I was in heaven. She's not as excited about school anymore but her determination to do well has not deteriorated with her excitement. She likes all her teachers. She is starting to not procrastinate as much. She can break herself away from something "fun" to get her homework done. She even told me yesterday "Homework first, anime second." I said "Wow! Can you say that again so I can get it on tape?" She just turned her head away so I couldn't see the big smirk on her face. But I told her that I could hear her smile.
But she has a goal - to go to forensic anthropology camp next summer. She has to have good grades to go. That's not me, but the program is through a university and requires a student, not just a participant. She knows what she needs to do to succeed and for whatever reason, the pressure is not causing her to become overwelmed and giving up. She takes the attitude "It is what it is" and just gets her work done. She has come such a long way. We've talked about goals in the past but the concept of having goals seemed completely foreign to her and even her therapist said that setting goals is not beneficial because kids with RAD can't wrap their heads around such an intagible, distant thing. But I think with her successes with cause and effect thinking she is coming around. I reminded her how she used to say to me "Home is for resting. School is for schoolwork. I am not doing homework when I'm at home."  I will say, even though she was taking a stance with me, her statement said alot about how she felt. So I tried to arrange for her to stay after school and do her homework there so she was still at school. It helped. But at the time it was too late in the school year. Now she goes to the library with a couple friends and they all work on their homework there. Yes, I said she has a couple of friends.. Yeahhh! :)

Penelope is still emailing with her Dad, George. Off and on. We, Penelope's AT and I,  are debating letting them have short phone calls every other week. George's last email was inappropriate but you can tell was meant innocently but still toeing a line. He commented about the type of shows she likes but then also commented about school starting and how he saw the picture of her first day to school in a new top. He wanted her to take pictures of herself in all her new clothes and send them to him. I didn't like this. It creaped me out. I initally wanted to talk to him about it but that's never worked in the past. So I showed the email to her theapist without telling her what I thought, to determine if I'm overreacting. Something I tend to get accused of by George's sympathizers. She came up with the same issue. She felt that it was inappropriate. Understanding that he hasn't seen his daughter and wants as many pictures as he can get, this was inappropriate for him to ask of her. It's selfish and immature. Especially with George and Penelope's history - which I still believe hasn't been fully disclosed. We decided to allow Penelope to see the email. Penelope needs to learn to tell her Dad "No" and/or "I don't feel comfortable with that." She has to be on the lookout for herself and be strong enough to draw the line for them. We can't help him - we've tried. We can only empower Penelope to be able to recognize what's not appropriate and then tell her Dad no.  She isn't there yet. Her theapist said that we will deterine if they can start taking on the phone based on how Penelope reacts to the email. If she insists there isn't anything wrong with it.
Understand that her relationship with her father during her early childhood after her mother left was very psuedo spouse. She slept in bed his bed up until she was 8 and moved in with me. She had to take care of him - cook, clean, and if she didn't do it the way he wanted or in a timely manner, he'd scream at her. And, as he recently explained "Harriet didn't just leave Penelope (age 2), she left me too. All we had was eachother so we leaned on eachother. I know she didn't understand everything I said but she was a good listener." Really? And the worst of it... a topic my parents refuse to discuss, is the possible sexual abuse. We've already determined that the relationship was emotionally incestuous but I feel the bridge to sexual abuse is a very short one. It's hard not to draw such a conclusion when after the last time she saw him, she sexually assaulted her two younger cousins and a few months earlier after an afternoon of seeing him, she made a tape of herself masterbating and had plans to send it to him. But I've talked about all this before.
So we gave Penelope time to read this new email. She didn't see anything wrong with it. When the therapist explained it, she still didn't see the problem. "This is normal stuff for my Dad." And we agree in a healthy relationship it wouldn't be such a problem, but not in this situation. The therapist brought up briefly the video she made of herself and her intentions, which Penelope immediately said "I don't want to talk about it." She knows. She started to recognize the issue. The therapist explained how Penlope needs to learn to recogize when her Dad is crossing that line and be strong enough to say "No." She can't rely on her Dad to know what those boudaries are. She seemed receptive and not too defensive but it was concerning enough we've put the phone calls on hold. She doesn't have the strength or knowledge to prevent thier relationship from reverting back to how it was.
Harriet has also been emailing, but just me. Actually, after the last one from a couple of weeks ago, I haven't heard anything - but for a while there she was trying to be a regular penpal. I swear to get a rise out of me. She recently had surgery to remove cysts on her ovaries. They ended up taking one of her ovaries. She said the doctor is recommending they have a baby because it will help with .... whatever condition she has.  She wants to have another baby! This scares me. Besides what she has done to Penelope, her husband is very ill and probably won't last the next couple of years. He has severe diabetes and regularly gets MRSA. Deadlly combination. According to Harriet, his doctor gave him less than 2 years to live. Then, Harriet herself is Bi-Polor and off work on SSD. Neither one of them work. Why plan to have a child when you don't have the mental resources to be able to be a mother due to your illness? Why plan to have a baby when you and your husband can't work and are already on government assistance? She does not need to be having a baby.
But Harriet kept bringing it up. I just avoided it in my emails. She just talks about how she wants to give her husband a son. I don't know how to explain this but the way she talks, the ideas she have are not... of reality. Like she is in a movie or a book. "Husband a son?" Like he would be crowned Prince of her kingdom. Reminds me how she once bought a picture of Jesus to hang on th wall - even though she hadn't stepped foot in a church in ages. I said "Oh, I didn't know you were religious." She said "I'm not. I just think it's a pretty picture." Really? Makes no sense.