Advocacy

I'm going to try to write shorter posts. Lately, probably the past couple of months, my posts have consisted of days and days of just adding to before I post. I have a list of things I want to say but only have maybe 5 or 10 minutes at a time to put them on here. So then, by the time I get everything down and publish, it's been a week or more. They probably read like a broken train of thought and maybe even redundant. And I'm not good on re-reading and editing. I just type what comes to my mind, spelling or grammer thrown out the window. It's all just goes from my brain to my fingertips.



I've been calling different people in the administration office of the attachment therapists lately. Trying to get all the stuff squared away that was unloaded on me at my last visit, that is now over a week ago. Requested detailed billing reports and those things on that issue. Talked to the Accounting Manager who just wanted me to give her my credit card number so they can set up automatic deductions to pay down my balance. Hmm. Can't do that because I live penny to penny, not just paycheck to paycheck. But I know I need to pay them something and regularly. Need more control over that. But we also need to determine what the correct balance is. What hasn't been billed properly to the insurance companies that have been covering Penelope over the last 20 months. And unfortuntely, there have been a few. But I'm not going to pay for things that the insurance is suppose to cover.



I also talked to their Quality Assurance person who has the other title of "The Client Rights Officer." That was an interesting conversation. She is the one that has made the changes to the billing codes for the neurofeedback per her self audit of their billing processes. She failed to mention that their non-profit government funding has been cut over 36%. She said that they will be billing the way it should have always been billing. I'm not saying I have an opinion on whether the billing codes were wrong or right. According to the lead therapist, the billing codes they were using were not wrong. But I'm talking to this QA person now.

I told her that I had called the insurance company who was assigned for Penelope's medicaid and even though the neurofeedback as a treatment is not covered, it can be covered 100% if it's deemed medically necessary. I even explained what neurofeedback was, gave her the codes (which I verified with her as correct) and how long Penelope has been doing it and how much it has helped her so far. This QA person said "It sounds all good but the person you spoke with probably doesn't make the determination if it's medically necessary because we have requested authorization under that premise before but have always been turned down." But she said they were willing to try. They have a standard form letter that they use (maybe it's not well written?) and once they get her information together they will submit it. But they recommend going ahead and setting up a payment plan and if it ends up being covered, they will apply what is paid to any other outstanding balances. I thought that I would take that up with the therapists at a later time. It seems too cookie-cutter of an answer to me. I asked about this $100/hour fee, explaining that Penelope doesn't have 1 whole hour of neurofeedback. The response was focusing on the fact that it won't really be $100 since they will probably have me set up based on their sliding scale based on my income. I pressed and figured out by reading between the lines that if neurofeedback is part of her therapy, then I would have to pay for the entire therapy, that none of Penelope's treatment would be covered. This essentially has to do with the billing codes again, because there is one that is solely for neurofeedback and then the other one is therapy with neurofeedback. Neither are covered codes. When I asked her if that was what she is telling me, she said "Well, it's not like she really needs neurofeedback every week. The weeks she just has straight talk therapy, that will be covered under Medicaid." She said that it's unfortunate that neurofeedback isn't covered but no one has every proven that it actually works. In other medical areas where it is covered, they only use it like 5 or 6 times total, not every week for months and months like here. She believes that if Penelope and the other children only received a "booster" once or twice a month, we won't see any difference. I take this as two bits of information from her - 1) The message of "Let's not make a mountain out of a molehill", and 2) She doesn't know what she is talking about.
She also said, when we were talking about the per a whole hour fee, that "they" (the therapists) didn't really set up their program in a good way. "They didn't look at it as to how we were going to bill for services. When you set up a business, you have to look at what your services are going to be and where your money is going to come from. Why would you invest your money in something that you can't find any backers for?" I said "For the children who need it? Because it's the right thing to do?" I told that we take her all the way to their location because there is no one around here that does it. And it's the ONLY thing that works. She said "Well, there are other places but they require you be able to pay for it." I guess because I'm poor now, I must have always been poor and have always been "in the system." I told her "Not true. I have done the search, I have banged my head against many walls trying to get the right services for Penelope. I've gone to Children's and tried to work through their networks even. There isn't anyone here that does this." She said "That is because there isn't any money in it. Medicaid is making cuts. They are not going to start paying for a service they don't already pay for and there isn't proof it works." At this point, I'm debating this issue, for what? I'm not trying to get them to change their billing back. I never said I wasn't willing to pay the fee (after applying the sliding scale). I'm really just learning what is most important to this religious-based social service agency.
Since she is trying to push this back onto the governement and it's funding, I asked if there was any groups or anything they do from an advocacy standpoint. She said "There is very little advocacy on this. It affects such a small population that no, there isn't much." I personally believe it's NOT a small population. I think it's (that is, reactive attachment disorder and it's associated disorders) are such a secret for 1 of 2 things. It's connected to the foster/adoption system and to bring too much light onto could be counter-productive to their initatives. And the other reason is the children are either mis-diagnosed or undiagnosed for either lack of knowledge of all the facts (social history) or of the existance of the disorder. This is compounded with the lack of effective treatment and families and caretakers being told from the beginning "Not much hope for your little one" and possibly preventable decisions are made that continue to compound mask and counteract what advocacy that is out there. I don't know if I'm right or wrong in my opinion. I know that I would love to be a part of advocating for children like Penelope. I also know that I could easly become wrapped up in it because I have such extreme feelings about it. But knowledge is power, people. If money wasn't an issue, I'd be all about it. But I need to take care of Penelope and me and that requires money. Maybe some day. Right now, I just need to get a job.

Summer is Almost Over

I have so much on my mind. It preoccupies me.


1) Summer is almost over. School is suppose to start in a month. But my house is in foreclosure and we are living with my parents - in a different school district, let alone state. Penelope doesn't even know. I will need to tell her, but then I don't even know what we are going to do. We have the option of paying out of town tuition but with what money? Is that the best thing anyway? She is a different child (again) this year and most certainly will end up in the special classroom with the mentally handicapped children because of her special behavioral needs. I can't allow that.

2)I've come to the conclusion that until I get Penelope and I out of my parents' house, she isn't going to improve behaviorally or emotionally. Actually she could continue to get worse. We've had some significant fits of rage that I haven't seen for a while. Besides being hard to handle on a personal level, it's also makes Penelope feel shame, sadness and desperation afterwards. I believe that if we are back on our own again, with my parents coming to us for support, things will improve. Even though her actions speak louder than her words, my mother SAYS she wants us to stay living with them. It sounds good on paper, but in reality.. not so much.

It's hard to deal with because I work, what feels like, constantly - keeping me away from Penelope and any say in what goes on during the day. Besides working 60+ hours a week, with an hour drive both ways, fitting in one to two therapy sessions a week for Penelope, I feel like I'm never home. When I worked a regular 40 hour a week, it was still tough but I'd be home by 6pm, Penelope and I would have our routine and it was easier to keep her "head on" with this routine. Now, she is home with her grandparents - wakes up whenever and just plays by herself all day. Plays and plays all day. Whenever there isn't going to be someone home to watch her, they will take her with them to run whatever errand they are running. But mostly she just sits in her play room or in our bedroom and plays. Sounds nice right? Not for a girl like Penelope. One of two things will happen. 1) She gets lonely and bored. She tries to recruit one of her grandparents to play with her. Papaw will play cards and sometimes take her to the pool. At least he tries. Between him and my mom, they should be able to fill this task from our Family Meeting "One fun thing a day." But Grandma is too busy. I've heard Penelope ask her to take her to the pool or do something with her and she always comes up with excuses why it's not a good idea. It's too hot, it may rain, expecting a phone call, etc. It's all excuses because she herself doesn't want to go. Or, 2) Penelope goes off into "la la land" and gets stuck there. That is currently where she is. She is stuck around 4 or 5 years old. All she wants to do is play-pertend. She only wants to eat her meals in her playroom. I don't allow that so she only eats a little so she can go play. But during the meal it's one word answers and the cold shoulder. I can usually get her to warm up, unless the day has consisted of warring with Grandma.


3) I honestly think things would be 100% better IF MY MOTHER would step up. I try not to get mad at her and just set my expectations low coming to a realization that it's not part of who she is to be able to do this. But it's sooooo hard. She tries to make these committments and promises on how she will work with Penelope, not yell at her all the time, not engage in battles with her, quit buying her things to get her to like her, and do fun things with her. It's not like I don't give her examples of how to approach the different situations, but she feels like she knows better because she has been a mom longer than me etc. etc. She will sometimes try to do it my way but then doesn't have the patience or will-power not to let her emotions take over and lash out at Penelope for the littliest things.

The other night I fell asleep before Penelope and around 12:30 she went downstairs to get a drink of water. My mom was down there watching TV. She immediatly snapped at Penelope "What are you doing out of bed??" to which Penelope snapped back "I'm thirsty and I am getting a drink of water!" My mother than said "You are very rude and I will not talk to you, do not talk to me!" Penelope came upstairs and woke me up to tell me that Grandma was being mean to her and told her she won't talk to her. I knew something had happened but told Penelope that it is best right now to go to bed and will will address it in the morning. Ironically, my mother brought it up shortly after I woke up. She wanted to discuss it, and she told me exactly what I wrote (so that wasn't a spinned version from Penelope). When she realized, from my expression, that she handled it wrong she announced to Penelope and I that from now on when Penelope is rude she is going to put a big fake smile on and say "THAT'S NICE..." which from prior conversations I've had with her, it is how she tells someone to F off if she doesn't like what they say. So she is going to apply this to Penelope now. When I nicely mentioned I didn't think that was best.. Penelope was there so I was trying to be non-critical, she just said that she didn't know what else to do. We've talked about this but it just escapes her. Not that I tolerate Penelope talking like that to Grandma but she sees my critisism of her and not Penelope. I have to approach Penelope differently. I can be more direct with Grandma - or maybe not I guess. Penelope's one therapist told my mom part of their problem is they are too alike. No kidding.

But its not just how she interacts with Penelope, it's even just helping out around the place. I've been cleaning their house on Sundays trying to get the place in shape. Some of the rooms haven't been clean in months. There are empty clothes boxes from Christmas around the area the Christmas tree sat this past Christmas. My dad does laundry and dishes and spends a couple of hours a month cleaning main rooms just to be able to function but my mom doesn't do anything but make messes. My dad has given up to an extent. He is definitly the type to just give in them make a huge fight about it, not that he doesn't complain. He does get on his nerves. But I told him, I can't live like this. So on Sundays I clean. Every Sunday, since it's the only day I'm ususally off, I re-clean the rooms I thoroughly cleaned the Sundays before, and then add a room or two, depending on how bad the rooms I have to reclean are. I have been through everyroom except my parents bedroom and master bathroom. And they are, and were, the worst rooms in the house. It WILL be hit this weekend. Maybe she will see the light if her own room is clean. I don't know. The thing is, after I clean every Sunday, there is no attempt, NONE, the keep it straighten up. Everyday I come home and I can map out what happened all day. I will re-clean the kitchen, but because I can't cook dinner in a dirty kitchen. And if I don't cook dinner, we don't eat until 9:30 at night.

I'm not a clean freak, trust me. It's taken some growing up for me to get to a point where I see the value in keeping a clean house - especially with Penelope with me. A clean, relatively organized house, helps me keep a clean relatively organized head. It helps me stay calm in the thick of it with Penelope, plus I think it has a similar effect on Penelope. But most importantly it helps her from becoming too overwelmed when it's time to do chores (or what I call "chore therapy"). I tried to explain this to my mother in hoping that she would help keep the place clean for Penelope, if not for her controlling clean freak daughter. But her response was "She won't even keep the litter boxes clean, how do you expect her to do chores?" Hmm.. I'm all about lowering expectations for Penelope.

I know that I am rambling but I think the bigger message here is the thinking behind these little nothing events? I can't even ask my mother to do normal daily family contribution stuff let alone ask her to help with Penelope. And she wants us to live there? Right now, it's better than the alternative. But I need to find a better alternative soon but it's just not good enough.

4) The court process is dragging on and on and on. Even my twin brother is sick of the whole thing and just wants it over so they don't have to continue to think about it all the time. He has other things on his mind like finding a decent paying job so they don't have to sell their house. I'm not saying he no longer wants Penelope punished and perferably locked up, but it's been almost 8 months since the incident and there isn't an end in sight. Penelope went to begin her Restoration Classes again, but this time it's suppose to be one on one. But when she got there they didn't know anything about the one on one. Fortunetly they didn't require her to participate. I did call the Probation Officer on Monday and she let me know that it's not a problem Penelope didn't participate and I should be expecting a call to set up the one on one. I also told her that my brother still hasn't received a call from the prosecutor's office. She recommended that he come to the next court hearing. I told my dad that, and based on his conversations, he doesn't think my brother will go. But I left him the message that it was recommended if he still doesn't hear anything - if he wants to be heard. I just want it over, so Penelope can focus on getting better. I have mixed feelings about the entire thing and sometimes I feel ashamed I'm still upset with her or don't want her punished for hurting my brother's kids. But I also feel like we wouldn't be in this situation if certain things didn't happen so it's hard to want to hold her 100% accountable. But I also don't feel like I can argue with anyone who does.

5) I went to Penelope's therapy appointment last week. I was expecting to talk about Penelope. She was really having a hard time and had an incident that really worried me. I had called ahead when we ran into a lot of traffic and were running late and they found it good news that I was coming. Usually I don't go but I didn't learn why it was so good that I was coming until I got there. There was some administrator there waiting for me. She wanted to talk to me before we went in (even though we were late). She proceeded to tell me that they have changed their billing and that Medicaid no longer covers neurofeedback. That it was $100/hour and that I can call their office to set up a payment plan. But that my current balance is around $7,000 (what??) and that I need to get that down or they will discontinue services. What what WHAT? She has had health insurance. She said it's a lot of co-pays. Okay, let's say that I still owe about $4,000 on the two week intensive. That leave $3,000. Let's say that my co-pay is $30, which the insurance did change about 1 year ago and the co-pay was $20. But let's say it's $30. That's 100 visits. 100 weeks. There are weeks we skipped because of holidays and their vacations. That would be as if we NEVER paid. Then the whole billing thing. I know a little bit about medical billing. In order to be able to bill more, healthcare professionals have "specialized." That's why you see so many boutique clinics these days versus going to a generalist for everything. They can charge more. But insurance companies are a bit savy and they prevent certain billing codes to be on the same invoice, deeming it a duplicate billing because one code incompasses a service that is also being billed seperately. For example, when is the last time your doctor's nurse drew your blood for testing? Now, it's outsourced. They can charge and bill more seperately if outsourced. I know these things. I've seen it in my prior career. So when I start asking this self proclaimed "Manager over.." she all of a sudden doesn't know anything and is just the messenger.

So the next thing that is done and we can go into our therapy session. I'm pissed and feeling overwelmed. During this time Penelope has been with the one therapist doing the neurofeedback. My mother and I go in with the lead therapist. She apologizes for the craziness. I told her that it was just really crappy timing and I don't understand why.... She hem-hawed about it but then just said how angry it makes her. She said "I wasn't going to tell you this today but I have decided to retire." She said it had to do with all the administrative changes that have happened over the past couple of years and this was the last straw for her. That they did not need to make this billing change and she fought it but lost. It was all so overwelming, I just turned to mush in my chair. Slumped back looking at the ceiling I just cried and thought "Now this? I can't take all this." This therapist is the one that knows what is discussed in the sessions. And even though I know the other one is "filled in" later, I can't imagine the paperwork being that detailed. It's not a strength of hers. Plus, how will it look in the court process that another one of Penelope's therapists is changing/leaving. Like I don't have a stable set treatment program for her. Then with the news of the billing change, how can I continue at all? I had a lot to process.

While I'm thinking of all of this, staring at the ceiling, my mom starts telling the therapist how we had been talking about me getting a cheap apartment in my community so that Penelope can continue to go to school there but still live with her and my dad. Just store my things in this apartment. I'm hearing this thinking "Oh God, please no." Of course the therapist likes this idea. But then, she could have been just being nice to my Mom. She knows that her and Penelope, and her and I, struggle. I don't know. I don't go to these appointments any more! But I got myself back together and got into the conversation. I told her how maybe I can see if the insurance will pay for if it's deemed "Medically Necessary" like the trauma therapy. She said that was a good idea and to try it. She also said that they had already discussed it and the other therapist is going to give us 1 1/2 hours to get everything in. Don't get me wrong, just because I'm upset by the lead therapist leaving, doesn't mean I don't have all the faith in the world in the other therapist it's just the lead therapist has been my go-to person. MY support. Not that she doesn't have her faults. But we've been through a lot in the last 20 months. She has been a huge part in saving Penelope's life. I'm just glad we still have the other therapist. I don't know where we would be without them. It never occurred to me that we could lose either one of them. They have been such an important part of our support team, like family.

Just a lot on my mind.

Poem Penelope's Birth Mom Wrote

This is a poem she wrote and posted on her social network page that she has given me access to. It speaks a lot to her either delusional perception of her situation with her daughter or her need to play the victim with her friends and family - or both.

Little Girl Lost

My little girl lost to me Like a ship lost in a stormy sea.
Ripped from my arms to quickly to breathe I tried to catch her but couldn't seize
She's in my heart everyday I hope she comes back to me, one day, she may
I wish I could tell her how much I miss her, but have been told no way, no sir
so until she is older, until she is 18
In my dreams she will have to be seen.


She left her, neglected her, abused her and left her again and again and again. All the medical professionals say Penelope shouldn't see her because of her continual abusive behavior. She sent a card last year at Easter where Harriet innocently stated how much she misses her. However, how does a child who has been hurt so much suppose to process such a statement? The burden of such a statement with all that has happened. The emotions and questions it creates, mostly starting with "Why?" or "How?" "How can you say you miss me when you left me so many times?" "Why do you miss me when you never wanted to be around me?" Things like that. Harriet was very upset when I tried to explain this to her - to look at it from Penelope's perspective. But she doesn't view her parenting as abusive, or at least won't admit it, so it's all just me manipulating her daughter into hating her. That it's all everyone else, not her. It's sad really. Sad for Penelope.

Hearing Aftermath

I found it interesting and funny to learn that within 2 hours of the hearing earlier this week, the police detective in the case sent a uniformed officer to my twin brother's house to get his phone number. He also gave the detective's phone number to my brother. My dad told the prosecutor at the hearing he would get his cell phone out of his car and bring the numbers back to him but the prosecutor gave him his card and told him to just call him later. But based on what we learned, the detective got a butt chewing for not making contact. I guess the task of contacting the family was delegated to him.


So my brother called him, as requested, and I'm not sure what the conversation the only thing I heard was that he wanted to see if the victims have been showing signs of abuse. They have not. But the prosecutor has not called him yet.


After work the day of the hearing I was told by my mom that Penelope had complained about a woman who asked her uncomfortable questions. I had no clue what she was talking about because no one asked her anything other than how was her summer going and if she liked the class teacher. But in therapy she brought it up again and they figured out it was the competency evaluator. But she wasn't at the hearing. Interestingly enough, her attorney asked if about the evaluation and the evaluator and Penelope couldn't remember the evaluation even after Papaw reminded her that it was when he went with her in and what had happened. But she remembers the evaluator now but in a different context. Penelope is saying that the evaluator asked her how many times the boy raped her. She was angry with the woman for asking that question because she is a total stranger to her. The therapist tried to get Penelope to open up more about her abuse but she wasn't having it this week. I'm not surprised, with everything that has happened.


I did find out that she said when she disclosed the rape in the bathroom in the middle of the night that when she went back to her friend's room, she was crying and her friend woke up the parents and they were told what happened. But we don't know what they did, if anything. If George was told or not. George has been evasive about information regarding this family - even a little hostile. He doesn't deny that she couldn't have been abused but can't remember anything about their names or where they lived exactly. Despite the fact he had an older brother live with him for a year, volunteered at the firestation with the dad (how Penelope met her friend) and were friends with them for at least 5 years. When I pushed for him to contact people out in the area that could get their name and location he bucked and said "That's the police's job." Hello!? Are you kidding. That was about six months ago.


Now with these new revelations, the issue of their identity has come up again. Yesterday my dad went over to George's house to drop off something for him and he told him how the hearing and therapy went. My dad said that George was all pissed off about the whole therapy thing. He claims that that Penelope's attachment therapists told him that they were not going to try to get Penelope to talk about her trauma. That it's best if she doesn't talk about it and that they will discourage her from talking about it. She needs to just forget about it. LIE LIE LIE LIE. He said he wants a 2nd opinion (so he is on that kick again). He wants her to go to a different therapist or doctor that isn't her attachment therapists.



So my thought is "Why is he saying this??" "What's his agenda now?" He has got to still be trying to hide something. Either something he has done, or something someone else has done that he has covered up. I try not to be an alarmist, or paranoid, but I do worry about things.. but things I worry about tend to come true. This family out in the countryside of Indiana that hurt Penelope.. that George met and knew pretty much his entire time living out there... why would he protect them? George also belonged to the KKK out there (as we learned later and I've discussed in the original post). Maybe he's protecting one of their members. I can't think of any other stupid reason to protect them unless he himself hurt her too and it would come out when discussing her abuse from them. I've told both my parents that I think he did something. I said "Let's think about this. You have a little girl who is sexualized. You have a perverted adult, yes her father but still, who loses his wife and has his daughter take her place in his bed from the get go until I take her. You have a young girl who is confused about her love for her father because of sexual abuse. It would only be a very small bridge to cross for him to abuse her too. They couldn't deny the possibility but don't want to think he did something. UGH I HATE HIM! My dad did say that if we find out that George knew something or did anything he was going to kill him. Especially after Penelope disclosing that the parents were told when it happened. There is something more to this. Something worse than what has already been disclosed. I just feel it. It keeps me up at night.



The other night I had a long conversation with my twin brother - that he initiated - about what he is considering telling the prosecutor when he calls. He obviously had to discuss this with his wife. She is just as much a part of this as he is. He is definitely stuck in the middle of a mess. He said it would be so much simpler if it wasn't family. He is dealing with so much guilt. He feels guilty for not hurting if not at least yelling at Penelope when it happened. He always thought if someone hurt his kids, he'd kill them, but he didn't do anything but send her away. He feels guilty for allowing it to happen. He kept listening for fighting and would hear them playing peaceful, but then he checked once and it was quiet but he was "too lazy" to go upstairs and see why it was quiet. He feels it probably happened then. He also feels guilt that he doesn't fell as much conviction to have her punished like his wife does. He feels he should. Like its saying he doesn't care or love them as much. But he feels that since he didn't hurt her then, he needs to hurt her now. He also knows how much I've given up and sacrificed for her and how she is essentually killing me, and mom and dad. He said that he feels like he should be at the hearings, should want to be at the hearings but doesn't make a point to. He feels like he should be more on top of this then he is and he doesn't know why.

I do know that he is going through a lot outside of this, being unemployed. His unemployment was denied. His wife has been on him to find A job. He is trying. He feels like she is holding him directly responsible for the slow movement of the unemployment claim being contested. She went and got a second job through a friend. The burden of that - him not working and his wife working two jobs. Then all this. I can't imagine things are happy at home.

I told him mom and dad both said that they know that his wife has a strong opinion about Penelope and they know she is the one he has to live with. He sounded releaved and said "I'm glad they can appreciate that. They won't hold that against me." I said "Now, I didn't say that. I can think of one person who probably will (Mom)." After some thought, I don't know if I wouldn't be able to hold it against him either. I told him "I just wish that you could talk to different people that could give you all the facts. Not just the legal stuff, like what are the options of punishment, but also why it happened and all the other pieces." I just feel like if they could focus on the fact that she wouldn't have hurt there kids if she herself wasn't abused. They could redirect their focus of blame. He did bring up the boy who raped her. I told him I still don't know who it is, but I want to pursue him. I just don't want to do it too soon where Penelope has more to disclose and we make her talk about it with strangers and it causes her to close up. She retracted what she had told me during the forensic interview that the detective set up. He completely understood and wants to make sure the truth and the whole truth comes out. Because we both suspect George in this one way or the other.

Honestly, I am trying to have him refocus his blame on George. That's where I truely think it should be. George and Harriet. But her physical and sexual abuse is alllll George. His wife on the other hand, I don't know. I did ask him what she wanted. He said she wants Penelope treated as if she is not family. I then asked him if this situation was reversed and it was her neice Susie, who has her own mental illness from neglect and possible abuse. He said that he said the same thing to her, and she said she'd feel the same way. I doubt that. She is very close to her parents and her parents do just as much for Susie as my dad and I do for Penelope. I've had long conversations with my sister-in-law's mom and we have similar stories. I do feel that my sister-in-law is truely disregarding my brother's family because 1) after what Penelope did, it's easy to hate her 2) She never has liked my mom or my dad so it's easy to dismiss there wishes 3) no one likes George so that's easy and 4) that leaves me. So what. No big loss.

He is stuck in a bad place and I feel for him and I so wish he wasn't in this spot just as much as I wish this never happened. I do feel like I'm losing him as my brother. I can see him trying to distance himself from me.

Competency Hearing #2

Earlier this week was the follow-up Competency Hearing from her Restoration Classes and re-evauation. I was really stressing about this one. The doctor who re-evaluated her told my dad that based solely on the definition, Penelope is competent. She just had a lot of "but"s because of her mental illness. I don't know how that translates into her charges.



I didn't tell Penelope that she had court until the evening before, which she handled okay. Not happy but didn't get upset. She handled having court better than I did. She was restless. I couldn't sleep for anything. I didn't fall asleep until probably 4am and had to get up at 6:30. We were down to the courts with time to spare. But we had to wait for the probation officer who had the competency evauation report. No one had copies of it yet. When it finally did come, we were told it said that she was found not competent but highly probable she will become with more restoration classes - if they were one on one "due to the barriers her mental illness is currently causing." This is better than being found competent but what does this mean? One on one classes? Is this therapy? After having more time than just a few minutes to think about this, I wonder if they are going to continue to postpone the trial until she is mentally better? I don't know. There is another Competency Hearing set for the end of August.





But during the hearing, it was pretty straight forward and no one contested the findings by the evaluator. I had told our attorney that Penelope has gone through some testing and that both her therapists feel she is significantly if not severly dissociative. Even though this is just my word, she brought it up during the hearing to the judge. I believe this information caused more importance for the judge to have the parties resolve this before it may or may not go to trial. Everyone seems to agree that this just needs to be handled/settled whatever you want to call it. It was brought up that the "victim's family" hasn't been able to be reached. The judge said he has notes from the prosecutor in the file of attempts to reach the victim's family. There was a new prosecutor assigned - something to do with rotations? Anyway, while the judge was saying this I was slowly shaking my head like "misinformation buddy." The judge asked me if I knew why the family hadn't returned the calls. I told him that I am VERY close to my brother, and I told him right after the last hearing that you had instructed the prosecutor to get a hold of him. But the last I heard, they haven't received any calls or messages. Then our attorney mentioned how the Detective on the case has also been non-responsive. That no one has called the family. The judge commented that it the prosecutor's office must have outdated phone numbers (not) and asked us to provide the prosecutor with updated numbers. We said we would. Then there started to be side conversations everywhere. The prosecutor and the probation officer wanted something from the therapists regarding this. They would prefer to have weekly reports from the therapists about her progress. The judge and our attorney started talking about something which the prosecutor got involved in, while the probation officer came over and was talking to Penelope and I about the summer - trying to distract her. Penelope talked to her but also knew that there was a lot going on about her in the room and started to cry. It was all too much, too much talking about her, too much noise. She just looked at me with the most pitiful painful look. I started to cry and just petted her hair and said "It's okay, we are almost done" and answered a question someone asked me and just held her hand. It was over a minute or two after that.

Once we were done, our attorney asked us to wait for her outside. She came out and said that the judge wants the prosecutor to get a hold of the family and get this resolved. They talked about maybe probation. I think this was unofficial. It wasn't part of the hearing at any rate.

The big question is, honestly, what is my twin brother and his wife going to say? It's a topic that I don't ask about and he avoids whenever we are together. It's not my place to say or tell him what to do or think. I don't know how much weight what he has to say has on the outcome. I think they will want to know if they want her prosecuted or not. If not, then I don't know what happens. Is so, they already said there is no place for her in the jail system.

But the rest of the day I was pretty much a mess. I couldn't eat or think straight and just cried a lot. It was hard to sit through and it was hard to see Penelope go through it. Even though the outcome was okay, good I guess. It's all just about where we are today - living in my parents' guest room with our three cats, my house on the market in foreclosure, this court case, my relationship with my twin brother and his family hanging on by a thread, trying to find a new job or make my current one work (how?) making my $7.30/hour, in limbo with where we are going to live, if Penelope will be going to school or not, where if she does, and so much more. Just too much. Too much! My job selling "cemetery needs" is very psychological. Besides all the issues with selling in general, you are discussing things people need once they die. No one wants to talk to you, not when they are healthy. And there are a lot of people out there who take it personal that you want to discuss their demise. They become super defensive and sometimes hostile. I get that at home. But I don't get to talk to the "at-need" families. Is that what I want to strive for? All I hear about is death and religion day in and day out.. and sales goals and closing techniques. I do this out of necessity but at the same time, how can I sell when I am emotionally a mess? How do I find another job when I work 6 days a week (sometimes 7) sometimes until 8pm like last night? I clean the house and do laundry on the 7th day. I cook more than half our dinners - just so we have dinner before 10pm. It's all too much. I need a vacation from my life.

Is it worth it? As long as Penelope gets the help she needs. Right?

Now a Teenager

Penelope celebrated her 13th birthday over the weekend. Happy Birthday Penelope! It was just her grandparents and I for her birthday since neither parents are permitted to see her and my other brother and his family have written her off. It is for the best as she could barely handle just the date coming and going. I bought her some balloons, a bouquet of colored daisies, made her a chocolate chocolate cake with chocolate chips on it. She helped me pick out the cake mix and icing at the store. She wanted party plates and those cone hats - I got them too. I had to work on her birthday so my mom took her to get a mani/pedi at one of those walk-in places for her birthday gift from Grandma. Papaw got her some DVDs of the Three Stoogies which honestly was the hit of her birthday. I got her a pink heart necklace, some cool shoes and a fashion scarf and hat. I made all of us spaghetti which is one of her favorite meals. She really struggles with hyperness. She kept hopping in place or bouncing in her seat. Ready to combust. She got a little out of hand and angry but got it in check with a little "sweet talk" so to speak. So overall it was good.

Then the next day was when her friend was scheduled to come over and spend the day and then stay the night. It's really her only real friend. But they haven't seen eachother in about a 3 weeks. Penelope was so excited Jackie was coming and kept calling me at work to let me know she wanted Jackie there "now!" Too excited, didn't know how to contain herself or spend those agonizing couple of hours before she was to arrive. Somewhere along the lines, something got crossed and Jackie didn't know we were going to a water amusement park with a huge HUGE swimming pool. So our schedule was delayed which caused Penelope's anxiety to get worse. We finally get to the pool and got into the dressing room to change into our suits, but her friend had started her period. Great. Love the kid but I just spent $50 on this.. but I remember learning in an economics class in college that just because you spend money on tickets to a show (or whatever) shouldn't obligate you to go see it. If there is something that you will enjoy better, go do that instead. It's not a waste of money - the money has already been spent. The money should no longer be part of the decision making as to what you do.
Makes sense to me (and one of the only things that has really stuck to me from the class) but no one else was buying it. Penelope didn't want to go do anything else. So we decided we would stay and my mom and I would take turns going into the pool with Penelope. But, Penelope really wanted to ride the tube rides/slides with Jackie so she was in a very disappointed mood and when we found chairs to sit/lay out, Penelope decided she was going to "go cool off in the pool" and took off. I followed her but the place was so crowded it took me 15/20 minutes to find her in the pool. (It's a huge pool) I was trying not to freak out. I debated asking a lifeguard for help but I did eventually find her and she was fine, just very disappointed. We played/swam around in the pool for probably 45 more minutes. She wanted to hang on me like a toddler. Wanted me to hold her like a little kid. I did, regardless of the looks, for a little bit. Then I tried to redirect her into older stuff like racing me one side to the other and things like that. After some of that, she was ready to go. Okay. Jackie was ready too and everyone seemed good about everything and leaving.
When we got to the house, Penelope wanted her and Jackie to go play in her play room. Jackie wanted to lounge on the living room couch and watch tv. Penelope called her a couple times to come in and play with her and eventually she went in. They played and everything seemed fine. But it wasn't. Jackie is a nice kid. She is only 13 and would never want to hurt anyone's feelings. But she is much more mature than Penelope. Penelope seems to get younger while Jackie gets older. Penelope obviously isn't getting younger but is regressing into a safe place for herself. The problem is, from a social standpoint, kids her age don't want to "play-pretend" anymore. Girls are into fashion and makeup,boys, music.. more mature topics. Penelope is into these things too, but like a little girl trying to dress up like mom. It's different. And being the way Penelope is, it's her way or a pouty tantrum and knowing how Jackie is, she let Penelope pick because.. it's just not that important. The next day, Jackie was a tired pup and slept in. The night before last, she had stayed up with her brother and watch scary movies until 3am. However, Penelope was up early bouncing off the walls, ready to play. I made her NOT wake Jackie up too early but even then, Jackie was mush for the first hour after she woke up. But by then she had already texted her mother to pick her up in the next hour. But you would never know she was upset. She is a sweet kid. But I can't necessarily say that Penelope and her are going to remain friends much longer.
Penelope did settle down and actually took a nap. I think it was the meds. They knocked her out. Kinda weird because they don't do it normally but maybe having to bring her down from such a high energy place where she was at that morning, her body just decided to go to sleep. But before she did fall asleep, Jackie wanted to work on their movie they have been planning to make. So that was a good sign. There was a lot of headway, but not too much input by Penelope. She was in zoned out, ready to pass out mode. She even did this thing where she was purposefully letting phlegm or whatever roll down her lower lip and then when I said "Penelope?" she sucked it in. Is she trying to draw negative attention? But then shortly later she wanted to go sit on the couch to continue the planning and she passed out. I left the room for a couple of minutes to get something and when I came back, Jackie had written "Jackie &Penelope BFF" and things like that on a piece of paper. That was right before she left.
But found out through her mom that Jackie still loves Penelope but "She just wants to do stuff that I used to like to do. Like a couple of years ago." We will see.

Trauma and Coping and Therapy

As I written before, Penelope has been disclosing a lot in attachment theapy. A lot of this has been prompted by her sexual compulsions and, what I believe to be, her emotional raw-ness from the court case. She has been very regressed. Her one attachment therapist feels she has taken many steps backwards. I believe she has take many steps backwards in some ways but also many steps forward. Yes, she is questioning the trust and her attachment to me, and I do think her ability to attach has been hampered. But I also believe that we have made great strides in her ability to attach and those strides will give us traction during her dealing with her trauma.


The way I few this is we need to make sure she has, and is willing to use, her coping tools. That is the big focus in truama therapy - and it makes complete sense. Making sure she has the right tools. That her chosing in how she decides to cope are not self-harming or destructive. For example, she has scratched and picked at the skin on her legs to the point she has soars all over her legs. If it wasn't high humidity and in the 90s almost every day, I'd put pants on her. But there are other things too from a behavioral side.


But part of my job is also to provide her the support she needs in order to make the right decisions and help soothe her. When I'm not with her, then it has to be Grandma or Papaw. She trusts Papaw and knows he can handle her so usually anything he does that upsets her, she tends to settle down pretty quickly. He's never put her into a state of rage. Grandma on the other hand, it doesn't take much for Penelope to go into a fit of rage. She knows Grandma can't handle it, and Grandma falls into the "traps" Penelope sets up. Penelope knows how to push her buttons and Grandma bites back and then it's WWIII in the house. Grandma is throwing up her hands (showing Penelope she can't handle her) and Penelope is locking herself in a room or closet talking about hurting herself. I just wish there was a way to teach Grandma or give her the strength to do this. My dad things she just won't even try. And honestly, it looks that way. My mom is so self-involved and so defensive.

She lies and deflects. One day I had come home from work and Penelope was all aggitated and full of attitude. Figured out she was upset with Grandma. Grandma had brought up Harriet in a conversation in the car traveling and "wouldn't shut up about it" saying bad things about her and it just made her sad and upset and then angry at Grandma for bring her up. About a month ago we had a similiar issue and it was agreed that the topic of Harriet was off limits unless Penelope had questions. I asked my mom if she had had a conversation with Penelope about Harriet and she said "No. Of course not. Is that what she said? She is mad at me and is trying to get me in trouble" and walked off. Right after she walked off, Penelope came back in the room and said "I heard everything she said and she is A LIAR!" and walked off. Great. So I followed her into her playroom and told her that "We are going to all sit down and talk about this because we can't do these side conversations. We need to resolve this" not taking sides. She came out and sat in the living room. I asked my mom to come in when she was done in the kitchen so we can "resolve this." When she came in I repeated what happened but also set the rules of no yelling, no meanness and only facts on what happened and feelings about it. I asked my mom to tell us what the conversation was about. She went detail by detal of the conversation they were having in the car but then said how she brought up Harriet and said things about how she didn't take care of Penelope the way she should have and things like that. I asked Penelope if she agreed with Grandma as to how the conversation went. She agreed. So, my mom lied. So we reiterated that the topic of Harriet is off limits. My dad, who was also there, brought up the fact that he has brought up Harriet in conversation and it doesn't make Penelope upset then. Penelope said "I have a special relationship with Papaw." That pissed off Grandma. I said "And you don't with Grandma? Why?" And Penelope started saying how feels about Grandma. That she feels Grandma only cares about herself, and her work. That she says she is going to do something with her and then doesn't. None of this was going over well with Grandma. She sat there with her arms crossed and jaw tight waiting for her turn to rip into Penelope (wasn't going to happen) and Penelope started to get worked up too, maybe seeing Grandma's body language and maybe as a preemptive strike starting saying mean things about Grandma being lazy and never wanting to do things for herself. I told Penelope not to be mean and name-calling is mean trying to keep in productive. Didn't matter though, by the end of Penelope letting out her feelings, Grandma was so pissed off she couldn't speak. But we ended it with "Grandma does love you and didn't mean to hurt you. It wasn't intentional. No more Harriet discussions. I was pissed that Grandma lied. Then, after Penelope went back into her play room, my mom actually said again that she didn't talk about Heather. My dad and I just looked at eachother like "Whaaaat?" Seriously. But how do you get someone who can't even recognize or acknowledge her errors to not do it again? She even said "I don't understand why she is mad." She does that with all of us.

One day she had rented two movies for all of us to watch but after watching the first one it was 9:30 and too late to watch the second one. She wanted to watch it anyway. I asked her to wait until the next night so we could all watch it together. She reluctantly agreed. Then, that night she got busy with phone calls and wasn't done until 9:00. My dad and I had just finished saying it was too late to start the movie. She came in "So you ready to watch the movie?" We told her it was too late being 9pm. She said "Well, I'm going to watch it anyway." I asked her NICELY "Can you wait until after Penelope and I go to bed (within the next 45 minutes) ? That way I don't want to watch only half of it then have to watch the other half later?" My mom immediately became adversarial. "I wanted to watch it ..." My dad chimed in "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ALWAYS ARGUE WITH EVERYBODY?!" and walked out to the patio. His statement was not just responding to this situation but an overall fed up "ness" with the constant arguing. But his yelling wasn't necessarily the right thing either.

This was the same night that Penelope got her birthday card from Harriet. I previewed it first, but she knew it was there and wanted it. It had 13 dollars in it, since she was turning 13 years old. It was a "My dearest daughter" type of card. She was good about the keeping things simple "I love you.... Mommy" on the inside. She does try to keep herself from acting out because she knows she reacts. She was like "Oh, okay." and tries to be like no big deal. But it's when she lets that guard down I guess. Anyway, we had dinner and everything was fine. She went upstairs to watch cartoons before bed. Shortly after was when the blow up happened about the TV. I ended up just going and cleaning up the kitchen and heading to bed early.
When I went upstairs to get Penelope and I ready for bed, I noticed the door was shut. Two of the cats were sitting in the hall staring at me and then looking at that door like "Something going on in there you should know about." I noticed a note on the door and another one that had been pushed out from under the door. Great... Here we go. The note on the door said "YOUARE A BITCH <--Yeah you (my first name instead of Mom) This is my room now. Get your own room!" The note under the door said "I HATE YOU BITCH" While I'm reading these notes I can hear Penelope inside saying very calmly "I am safe now... I am safe now.." That freaked me out. I did know what she had done. I realized she had baracaded the door closed. I shoved my way in and found her under the skirt of her night stand. I sat down and asked her - very calmly - "What's going on? Of course you are safe. You are here, with me. But I see you are mad at me for something. What are you angry about?" She said very calmly, almost with relief, "Oh, I'm not mad. God spoke to me. He told me you are dangerous and I need to not be with you anymore. That you will hurt me eventually." I said "Penelope, God wouldn't say that. He put you in my possession to take care of you and protect you." She said, now a little concerned "Was... it the Devil then?" I said "No sweetie. I believe it was a part of your brain that is reacting to the nice birthday card from Harriet. That it has you scared thinking 'Why should I trust Mom to not hurt me like all those other people in my life who shouldn't have? What makes her so different? She'll do it. So I better push her away and try to hurt her before she hurts me.' Does that sound about right?" She agreed. She then started to cry and say that the card was very upsetting. Specifically the part that says "I love you." She believes that she loves her but "not the way that mattered." Now that in itself is an improvement because before she considered any statement of love from Harriet a flat out lie.

The thing is though, learning about Dissociative Disorder and how it translates into a person's every day behaviors has really opened my eyes. I'm not trying to be an alarmist but just point out to my family "This is why she is acting this way!" After this incident, after she had answered "Yes" to the question "Do you sometimes hear voices," after realizing that there has been times in the past where she has made statements about something or someone told her that she should run away or do this or that. I always thought that it was her not taking ownership in her feelings. But who knows now. I've said things like "She goes into fantasy world" - yep, dissociative. But after this I had to know more. I need to know where we are heading. What does all these mean? Is this the bad to get to the good or is this just all bad? I need it explained.

So I took off work and went to her attachment therapy appointment with Penelope and my parents. I needed to speak to them - 1) because I haven't been to an appointment myself since I started my new job and i need to be updated and have questions answered I can't seem to get clear through my dad, and 2) to maybe try to address the issues at home that exacerbate these problems. I know Penelope has disclosing a lot and I need to hear from them directly how things are. I also know that school time will be here before we know it and Penelope is just a mess. Now I can see why some families decide homeschooling is beneficial. She is so smart. Very creative and has a lot of potential. She just has so much to overcome to tap into it. I wish I could I just have no idea how being a single parent. If my parents were able to be that rock for me, I'd figure out a way.

Anyway, the head attachment therapist agreed that Penelope has probably been more Dissociative than we realized. That she is severe, just shy of Dissociative Identity Disorder. That her Dissociative probably comes and goes and is probably the most severe it's ever been right now. We do need to monitor these voices. I'm glad she said what she said to confirm the significance of Penelope's actions/disorders in front of my parents. I'm hoping it will help them be more agreeable to following my lead on how to help her at home. I even asked "Is there anything we can do at home to help her cope better with all that is going on?" That was too vague about trying to get her to address parenting techniques as she went into Penelope needing a conversation about being allowed to be "sexual" - due to sexual compulsions. She went on for a little bit about that. I won't elaborate but it had to do with self-satisfying methods and all I could think of is "But we share a room right now!" But I know it needs to be address, but as I told her... "I have absolutely no idea how to address that." She understood. We will deal with that next time. And hopefully she and the trauma therapist can get on the same page and we can go about it through trauma therapy too.

The other other thing noteworthy about the therapy session is how I totally pissed off my mom. Well, we were running out of time and Penelope comes first. I brought up how turbulant life is at home. The therapist asked what was the worst thing, and I said "Grandma and Penelope's relationship." My mom went right into how Penelope does this and that and the therapist said "She's being manipulative huh? Well, we will have to talk to her about that." And my mom went on how she gets on her about being on the phone too loud and gets right in your face to ask you a question. "Not respecting boundaries. We can talk about that too." I said "It goes both ways. You have to respect her boundaries too." I brought up the lie about not talking about Harriet. How it crossed a boundary and then she lied about it. My dad brought up how it's just Grandma that can't do these things but it's because of the lack of trust. My mom said "I can't be perfect like you two!" I said "No one is asking for perfection, just some help!" The therapist brought up the testing, how Penelope is testing her conviction. Her trustworthness. I said "Right or wrong, but you have to pass it. You can't let her push your buttons. It's hard. Somehow Dad passed. I barely survived. And now it's your turn." My mom defended herself about the lying, saying she didn't lie but she was just being very general about Harriet. My dad said "No, you lied." So he was in the doghouse too after session. So the therapist brought in Penelope and told her how Grandma didn't lie to her to hurt her feelings, she didn't mean to lie. Tired to make light of it saying that "When you get old like us, your memory gets bad." Just the fact that the therapist was telling Penelope that Grandma lied had my mom visably upset. But she bit her tongue.
My dad told me the next day how we were both awful people and she was thinking of moving out. But, she hasn't and that was almost a week ago. I don't want her to be miserable. I don't want Penelope and I to be the cause of marital problems between them. I just need her to be MY mom and help me.

An Everything Bagel

Okay, I didn't know what to name my Post. I need to blog more often but it's been so busy between work, Penelope, and the rest of my family.. but it's important. I can't stop now. But there is a bunch of different topics I want to write about.






I usually write in chronological order, but I have to tell you what happened on Thursday - and Friday. Is it bad to get joy out of our child's pain? Not bad pain but the pain of a consequence that is teaching them why their decision(s) on an issue weren't the best?






Okay, so Thursday was Attachment Therapy. We decided Grandma need to go for reasons I will explain in better detail later. Basically, her and Penelope have been at eachother's throats to the point that I had to leave work early to ensure they were not home together by themselves. Maybe having Grandma at therapy is what sparked the actions that happened that day, may it was some other things that have happened. I am not sure yet. But I do know that when I called my mom when I left work, they were all still together and had stopped at a store. I asked how therapy had gone, she said it went well but that her neurofeedback "brain training" showed her anxiety very high and it just wasn't coming down, probably because Penelope had hurt her her ankle "Here, ask Penelope".. okay. "Hi Penelope! How was therapy?" She says "It was fine, but guess what! Benny (my cat) tripped me on the steps and I fell!" I said "Oh my gosh!" She said "Yeah! and I hit my foot on the railing!" "Wow! Are you okay!" "It hurts so bad!! And there is a big black and blue bruise!" At this point I'm truely thinking 'Wow, that must have been really bad.' I said "I'm sorry to hear that. I will have to look at it when you get home." She said "Yeah. Grandma has been helping me get around." I said "That's good" and finished up the call.






I ended up beating them home by about 10 minutes. Penelope is the first one in the house and she makes a bee-line to her play room. But the route she takes avoids seeing me. I say "Hey! Aren't you going to come and say 'Hi'?" She says "Hold on a minute!" I said "Hello to you too!" She said "I said HOLD ON A MINUTE! GEEESH!" At this point I'm thinking, something happened in the car and she is all pissed off. No, she comes out with a crutch (that was found at the house) limping on her foot. Even though she walks past me, I can tell there is something really fishy about this bruise. I look harder and it and Penelope can see on my face that I'm super suspicious. Before I can get a word out, she says "I don't want you looking at it. You will want to touch it and it hurts just too badly!" I said "I promise not to touch it, I just want to see it." She says, "No! It's fine. You don't need to see it." I decided I'm not going to engage in a battle about this with her. I will go along and she will have to deal with the consequences of her decision of faking a bruised ankle or her ankle will get lots of care and she will get all better. I know it's not bruised, but maybe she did fall and she is just playing it up. Who knows.






I told Penelope "Gosh, you must have really hurt your ankle. You need to go to your room and get that foot elevated by laying in bed. Yeah. You need to stay in bed all day tomorrow to get that to heal properly." She likes this idea and while starting to walk upstairs she says "Oh, okay.. what about breakfast?" I said "Oh, you will have to eat breakfast in bed." Her eyes get big "Eggs and Geotta?" Oh no no, not in bed, it will be something simple like cereal or toast." Her face dropped "Oh." But you can see her think "But that's okay. I still get fed breakfast in bed." She said "What about when I have to go to the bathroom?" I said "Maybe Grandma or Papaw have a bedpan. I don't know..." She said "What's a bedpan?" I said "It's what they have in hospitals for their patients that can't make it to the bathroom. But I don't think we have one." She said "Maybe we can make one." I said "I think you'll be able to manage to get to the bathroom okay." She is upstairs by this point (all by herself) and asks for a glass of juice. "I'll bring it up in a minute" I say.




I tell my dad who is sitting there that Penelope's bruise is fake - that it looks drawn on with a marker or something. He says "Reeeallly.. Well, that would explain why it hasn't swelled up." You think? I'm kinda confused why they didn't notice something wrong with her bruise. Anyway, I told him how we have to handle this little con game she is playing. That she has to stay in bed the rest of the day and allllllll day tomorrow. She may be all about that idea right now, but she is forgetting the last time we went through this, about 2 years ago how absolutely bored she got. I told him she will miraculously improve and want to not have to lay there anymore. But you can't let her get up. And it's not a punishment. You are so happy she is feeling so much better etc etc but just to make sure/just in case etc etc. But this bruise thing. I do want to call her out on it. He suggested putting a cold compress (cold wet washcloth) on it which will wipe off the marking. Great idea. Around this time Penelope yells "Mommy! My foot went numb! I can't feel it!" "Okay, I'm coming!" "And I have to go to the bathroom but I can't move it!" "Okay, I will help you!" So I go up there and stand there while she gets herself up very carefully and uses this crutch she found to help herself to the bathroom. When she goes in there, I go to the another bathroom and start making that cold compress. I said "I have just the thing to make that feel better." She said "Wait, what is it?" "A cold compress" "What's that?" "A washcloth with cold water." "Oh no. Water is too heavy on my ankle. It hurts. No wetness." "What about ice?" She said "Ice is good. Can I have ice?" "Sure."




I go downstairs to get the ice and see Papaw. "Hey Papaw, wetness hurts..." He just chuckles and shakes his head. I get the ice and I make the bag all wet. I show my dad and he knows what I'm up to. So I go upstairs to put the ice on her "bruise." When I walk in the room, it was extremely obvious she darkened the "bruise" alot. It was completely black. A 5 in. diameter perfectly round, perfectly black with crisp edges "bruise." A big black dot on her ankle. I said "Holy cow! It's gotten worse!" She said "Yeah.. I hit it on the crutch on the way back from the bathroom to the bed (a total of 5 steps) and it hurt sooooo bad!" I said "Let me put this ice on it and it will feel better." I put the ice on it and the bag makes her ankle wet. I said "Oh! It's getting wet! Let me wipe it off." And I have the wet washcloth in my other hand and start wiping it clean. The black came off with it. I just look at her like "What is this?" She just looks at me with big eyes. I said "It appears the bruise was drawn on." She is embarassed and angry and starts to cry. "You don't believe that I hurt it!" We had a conversation about that. That I never said that I didn't believe that she didn't hurt it but there was no need to fake a bruise. That I love her and am here to take care of her. She admitted she did it for the attention but kept saying "I did hurt it! Really bad!" She tried to say that it did bruise really badly but then it went away and she wanted it to stay bad so that's why she drew it on. I said that I know that isn't true and kept saying that she doesn't need to fake a bruise to get attention. She kept going on about how it happened and even that she was in "so much pain that she wishes she could just cut her foot off!" I said "Penelope, do we need to go to the hospital??" She put her hands on her hips and gave me the don't-be-ridiculous stare and said "Mom. You are broke and haven't sold anything and I don't want you spending any money." I had to really squash my need to laugh on that one. I actually have a decent check coming next Friday but anyway. I said "Penelope. You are more important than that and if you need to go to the hospital and I have a bill to pay, then so be it. So, do you need to go to the hospital?" She said dramatically, with a sigh"No.... I just sprained my ankle really bad." I never once questioned the fall or that she hurt her ankle. Now if there was any doubt, I now know that it didn't happen because of her insistence it did. I said "That's why you are going to stay here with your feet up the rest of today and all of tomorrow. You will have your DS and your drawing stuff, and you can watch cartoons on TV. She said "Okay.."




I had coached my parents on what I expected Friday to be like and how to handle it. With love and caring and concern but do not let her up from her bed. "That's great you are feeling better but ..."




I called around 1pm from work to check in with my Dad. He said she tried to come downstairs to get toys from her playroom but he says, toys stay in the playroom and that she has things to do in her room and got her back in bed with no major problem. I said "Her boredom has kicked in."




I got a call from my Mom around 4:30 sounding exasperated. She said "Penelope is bored and doesn't want to stay in her bedroom anymore." I started to say "That's the point..." But I could hear Penelope in the background and someone was at the door dropping off something for my Dad. Penelope was there, which meant she was out of her room. My mom was yelling at her to go away and oh yeah, get back upstairs. I try to get my mom's attention because that's not how you are suppose to handle her and she is going to make this thing backfire. She can't hear me. Then my phone starts to beep because my boss upstairs is trying to call me. Then he calls my cubicle neighbor who tells me that they are having a quick meeting to tell us something and to go upstairs. Great. The next thing I know she has handed the phone to Penelope who says "Mommy, I don't want to stay in bed anymore. My ankle feels all better. But Grandma won't let me out of my bedroom. But my ankle isn't red any more and I took a hot bath and it made it feel all better. It doesn't hurt one bit." Now, I can't just blow her off because my boss wants me upstairs so I said "That is so wonderful that your ankle feels so much better so quickly. But I really want to make sure it's completely healed. The last thing I want is for it to get re-injured because it's still weak or hurt. I want it completely healed...." She is going "but.. but..." on the other end. I said "I'm glad the bath made it feel so much better but let's wait until I get home so I can look at it. I have to go now because I have to go to this meeting but I'll call you when I'm on my way home." She is crying at this point "But I am so bored! And it will be hours before you get home!" I said "I know sweety and I hate that you ankle is hurt causing you to be bored. And I will be leaving shortly, then I have to stop at the grocery store, so I should be home in about 1 1/2 hours. I know you can make it." She reluctantly said okay and we ended the call.




Now, the day did backfire a little bit but I do think that she won't fake her injury again, or at least in her memory of this past Friday. But the evening was very difficult. Penelope and Grandma had been at it - again. When I got home I was putting away the groceries for dinner when Penelope asked if I was home yet. Grandma said "Yes, she is in the kitchen cleaning up." This pissed her off because I didn't come straight to her to check on her. I sighed and went upstairs to check on her. She had wedged herself behind a piece of furniture and was pouting. She was all pissed off that I made her stay in bed all day. We discussed the why but that she already knew that. The true reason behind her anger was Grandma. Grandma didn't do that caring loving thing that she was coached on. She did the "Get back to bed!" thing that I heard on the phone. So, as I discovered all her artwork from the day, you can see the pregression from the "I feel loved because I'm being taken care of" pictures to the "I'm bored" pictures then there were the hate letters to me for not letting her get out of her bed, In the past, there wasn't the hate - just the frustration. Not to pin EVERYTHING on Grandma, but I believe that if she didn't yell at Penelope and do it the way she was told, Penelope wouldn't have gotten so angry (not necessarily happy but not scared/untrusting/rage that was the result of Grandma's approach) she would have turned her anger towards me and write her letters. The worst of it was there were self-hating statements in there to. Wanting to hurt herself but her brain won't let her because she knows there is love out there - somewhere.





I got her to not be mad at me anymore but her anger was definitly there and bubbling the rest of the night. Backtalking, stomping of the feet, the huffs, rolling of the eyes, impatience, "Don't touch me," "You are all being to loud," kind of thing. She told me to "Shut up!" at one point and my mom loudly gasped and was ready to rip into her. I put up my hand and handled it the right way. Penelope shortly later backtalked Grandma and my mom made a "tst" noise. Penelope said "Don't treat me like a dog. I'm NOT your dog." She said she meant to "shh" her but it came out "tst." See, my mom watches a LOT of Dog Wisperer. She DVRs it and watches it for hours. She tells myself and my twin brother how the principals on the show can be applied to our kids. (Crazy) But part of what he does when he becomes the alpha dog to his new patient, he "tst"s them to make them stop a bad behavior.





As you can see, I believe my mom is part of our problem on the home front. Last week I came home one night around 9pm after one of our twice a week call nights at work. Penelope hadn't been fed dinner or her meds and was bouncing off the walls. I made her dinner and got her pills in her and learned that Penelope and Grandma had been at it throughout the day. She was so upset with Grandma. Grandma didn't lift one finger to do anything with her. She spent the entire day in front of the TV if not on her phone. She was still in her PJs. So was Penelope in fact. The reason they hadn't ate was because my mother grazed all day and wasn't hungry herself. Penelope was so pissed at Grandma, she didn't want anything from her. Now Penelope, taking advantage of her "freedom" had made all kinds of messes throughout the house. We talked about Grandma and we talked about what she did all day and how things will be changing (one way or another). She had calmed down and was in better spirits. We planned to read together before bed and we were going to have some one on one time so she was happy. But before that she had to clean up a small mess (one of the many) she had made so the cats don't chew on her stuff. She was agreeable to that, but then she forgot a little later and started heading up to bed. I reminded her nicely. I kept everything "no big deal" but she was getting frustrated with having to do it. She didn't want to be near Grandma who was in the room and she decided to bolt up the steps and try to lock herself in the bathroom. I caught the knob before she locked it and held it. She was screaming through the door to go away and she never wanted to speak to me again. I tried to get her to let me in but she said "Just leave me alone! Give me some space! No one respects my boundaries!" I told her that I will give her space when I feel she is safe, but she isn't safe right now. She said she was and I told her it was up to me if she was safe or not and I don't feel she is safe. Then she started talking about how she wanted to kill herself but can't because her brain won't let her. At that point I decided I was pushing my way in. I did that and she cowarded in the corner and was crying and told me not touch her. I slowly caressed her hair which she cowarded from a little, then I held her hand which she let me and I kissed the top of her hand and held it in mine. Then she turned and let me hug her and she cryed and let go and callapsed to the floor hugging my legs. I told her it was going to be all right. She told me my legs were hairy and we both laughed.



But this stuff is draining. I think I've become good at handling it, but boy, it is a total emotional and physical drain! Grandma has got to get on the same page. If I could take Penelope away from there, I would, but my house is for sale/in foreclosure and I don't have any money or steady income. I am still trying to figure that end out but in the job I have, with all this.. there just is no way.

The other thing I wanted to write about is how her therapy is going. A lot of Penelope's regression and need to feel safer is that she has been disclosing more of her abuse story, specifically the sexual abuse. That is positive. But she is disclosing it to the attachment therapist, not the truamat therapist. Which is totally understable. She knows the AT much longer, plus we are still in the preliminary information gathering, getting to know you stages on the truama therapist. It probably helped Penelope open up knowing that it is coming on the truama therapist side. However, the to different groups of therapists need to coordinate so they both know what eachother is doing and what is being disclosed. I don't even really know because I'm not going to attachment therapy anymore and my Dad isn't a details kind of guy - as I've said before.

I did go over the questionnaires/paperwork that the truama therapist gave us for homework. It's actually upsetting to read it because it's all there - the dissociative. It would explain alot. But it also scares me. I don't think she has multiple personalities but I wouldn't be shocked. I just don't see her having distinct personalities. But she certainly has memory loss and confusion about where she is at or what she has done on things. Spacking out. Flashbacks. personality changes. I always thought it was the PTSD/ADHD lack of focus. It's more than that. Much more. Will have to see how Penelope does on the questionnaires. If anything all this stuff is very informative. It just makes me have a lot of questions and concerns. Mostly about where we go from here.