School - Progressive?

"This progressive community of 8,300 residents has long-valued and supported education at the absolute highest level. Their expectations are reflected in the commitment of the school district to provide an “excellent” education for each student through rigorous academics, an outstanding faculty, individual attention, and enrichment opportunities."

This is what it says on the website of Penelope's school. We live in a very residential city of about 2.8 square miles that is located next to a large city in Ohio. I chose to live in this city because I wanted to offer the best public education possible to Penelope. To have the name of this school on her transcript will help her in higher education pursuits - if she wants - but my hope was to give her the most options later in life. I think that is one of the major duties of a good parent. Always have. I remember getting into an argument with George after finding out that he was moving his family into an extremely poor rural area of Indiana. My beef with him was regarding the opportunities for a good education in such an area. His $35,000/year to support his wife and daughter wasn't much but out in this community he was on the high end of a household income level. I asked him "What if she wants to go to college?" He said, "Not everyone is suppose to go to college." I agree that not everyone will go to college, but my argument was to at least make it an option for her. But I digress..............

Penelope spent 2nd and 4th grade at one of the primary schools in our little city. Her 2nd grade year was very difficult because she was very behind academically. The school works at a higher level than the county-wide elementary school she was in out in Indiana. But she worked hard and by the end of the year, her grades were passing. I had also spoken to her pediatrician about ADHD. She tested positive and went on medication.
She went to third grade in a different school system because of George taken her with him when he remarried. I didn't know her teacher really well and was somewhat suspicious. Not that I think she did anything wrong but she just came across as one of those teachers who has a short temper. I did like the guidance counselor a great deal. I could tell she really cared about Penelope. After learning that Debbie, George's new wife, wasn't all that we had hoped for as a caring step-mother and George wasn't doing much about it, I made sure that my guardianship papers were on file with the school. I wanted to know everything that was going on.
I found out through the school that Debbie was trying to get the school to put her back in 2nd grade because her grades were so bad. George didn't even know that. Debbie was saying the school wanted to put her in 2nd grade but when I spoke with the school, they said that it was all Debbie and they disagreed with her. They finally told her that they had to hear it from George. The problem was, even though I told her how Penelope was behind and was still trying to catch up, she needed one on one attention during homework time. Debbie didn't want to work with Penelope even though she claimed she was, she really wasn't. I found out that it wasn't the case. Allegedly (Penelope claimed after George and Debbie split), Debbie yelled at her about her homework and beat/spanked Penelope with a wooden spoon on almost a daily basis. Penelope shut down. Over the 6 months that Penelope lived with Debbie, she stopped learning, and she went from 80 lbs to 60 lbs. and became very introverted.
The school counselor called me concerned about Penelope's grades and that she would need to be retained unless we put in place a "504 Plan". She knew that Penelope had been through a rough year with changing schools, dad remarrying, and Debbie trying to sabotage Penelope all year. We put in place the "504 Plan" to keep Penelope from being held back in 3rd grade. It gave her special accommodations for the rest of the school year and all of next year.
If you read the "history" you now know that Penelope was back with me for 4th grade. Penelope's 2nd grade teacher was her all time favorite until she met her 4th grade teacher, Laura. Laura is the definition of awesome. She was caring but stern, relentless but forgiving. She was awesome for Penelope. I met with her at the beginning of the year and discussed Penelope's special needs. Penelope had already been in school for a couple of weeks and they knew where she was at academically - beginning of 3rd grade. She was a year behind. But through hard work by Penelope and Laura, Penelope was academically caught up by the end of 4th grade. If I felt any stronger about Laura, we would have built a shrine to her in our house. She is the best.

Now Penelope was diagnosed with RAD, PTSD and Major Depression during her hospital stay at the end of 4th grade. Her social life/skills were very different at summer camp that year than they were the summer prior. So when she started 5th grade, she was also very different.
Presumptively, I was more concerned about how her social life in 5th grade since she spent most of her time with 1st graders at camp, playing dolls and make-believe. She liked the comfort of being in control. Her RAD was really starting to show itself after her 1st hospital stay.

She is now in 5th grade which is in the middle school. The 5th grade is so different compared to 4th grade. Now, mind you, Penelope has changed a lot over the past year herself, but the individual care taken at the 4th grade level was notches above what I am seeing in 5th grade. About the last 10% of the post about her history, you will see some of the struggles I've been having with school that demonstrate this. But here is the current crap.

About 3 weeks ago I had received an email referring Penelope for an IEP. That's fine. It's welcomed even. The 504 was suppose to be temporary in it's nature and we are towards the end of it's 2 year in place and things have not improved that much - changed, but not improved. Instead of Penelope's issues being scholastic, they are more behavioral-not that they are not interlinked. But with the problems I have had with them not accommodating her restrictions consistantly, and with them not holding her accountable consistantly I welcomed the idea of having a more detailed, spelled out version of what she currently has. The other reason I welcome it is because I feel, and so does her therapists, that since they are not holding her accountable for her actions, they are causing her to get sicker - which causes her to act out at school and at home like she does. She wants to be in control and they are giving that to her at school. She manipulates them. They see it but they don't do anything about it. I believe they are so frustrated with her that they have given up on her but haven't taken any of my recommendations to help themselves or Penelope either.
Towards the end of December I ordered a DVD set from Nancy Thomas' website that is for teachers. I was using a book she wrote about Parenting RAD kids like a user manual and it was doing wonders with Penelope. The first DVD goes into great detail about RAD and how kids get it and what their symptoms are and why. She also interviews extreme cases that she has worked with as well as talked about some extreme untreated cases. "How many times have you wanted to kill your mom?" "When is the last time you wanted to kill your mom?".... "Joe here came to me after ripping the heads of a litter of puppies..." Jesus. I had provided her teachers with literature about RAD and it's causes and symtoms and all of that so I decided to not pass on that DVD. I'm already having a hard enough time getting them to work with her, that DVD wasn't going to help. However the second DVD had some great ideas on ways to control her behavior in the classroom. Nothing too mind-blowing. Talked about no second chances - giving a child a second chance is essentially viewed by them as lying to them about what the consequences are and they will try to control you to push those boundaries; no lectures - action not anger, they don't need to be reminded the rules, they know the rules; strong sitting - a chance to collect their thoughts, calm themself down after letting their emotions get too heated. It's like time out but not punitive. Then lastly, Take A Hike - which is requiring them to leave the classroom, either to do strong sitting in someone else's room or send them to do work that is less pleasant than their school work. The speaker talks about having a child stay home and shovel manure for 3 days after mouthing off to his teacher. The idea is that school is a priveldge and if they don't earn that priveledge, than they can do other kind of learning in order to learn a skill to get a job later in life. She interviewed the boy and said "So now you can get a job shoveling manure, right?" His eyes got big and he said "Um..well, yeah." He obviously doesn't want that to happen. She talked about a school that had a boy shovel snow for a couple of hours. I can't remember what he did but it was the same idea. I don't expect them to do that, but I offered to let them send her home and I would have her do chores here.
Anyway, I gave the DVD to her teacher the 3rd week of January after I could review it, and that took a couple of weeks because I really had a hard time watching the first DVD. It was hard to see the severe cases, even though I know Penelope isn't that bad. But I see resemblences. It also had this mom on their who, after the school system failed to work with her, ended up sending her son to a behavioral health school and how it made it a lot worse and she was really upset by it. There has been discussion because it just seems like that is where she is heading with the school not working with her.
After a week or so, I asked her about it. No response. I probably asked 3 times in a two week period, with no response. Finally, at the beginning of February, she responded and said that she was going to watch it with Penelope's other teachers during an in-service day. That day was the 17th. She was going to preview it before hand. Seemed like a long time to wait, but I tried to be patient. She'd had the DVD for almost a month at this point already.
About a week later, I had been contacted to set up a meeting with Mrs. Carpenter and the School Psychologist to start the ball on Penelope's IEP. They would need approval to do the assessment. Also going on at that time, I had started to grow suspicious of Penelope's behavior in school because I had found out about her lying to her tutor at the After School Program, a teacher taking notes for her, and another tutor/helper typing up a paper for her at ASP. Her grades had also gone down hill. I decided to end her twice weekly tutoring sessions with her 4th grade teacher, based on a deal made about two months earlier that stated if she didn't work in school, it was pointless to go to a tutor. It's a waste of time. I also had her grandfather talk to her.
The same day as her weekly therapy session, I met with Mrs. Carpenter and the School Psychologist about the IEP. Before the meeting, Mrs. Carpenter asked me if Penelope had taken the Ohio Achievement Tests the prior year. I said yes. She asked if she had any help with them. I said "She had her accommodations from her 504" Mrs. Carpenter had a smirk on her face like "That's what it is!" She said that Penelope had raised her hand during a time with the Principal was talking to the kids about OATs and she wanted to know if she was going to have someone help her like last year. In front of the whole grade in the auditorium. Sounds like something she'd do. They wanted to me to sign a form that gave permission for an assessment. Mrs. Carpenter said she had already started the assessment and that Penelope was reading at around 2nd/3rd grade level - but her test results were all over the place. I said "That's not true. That's not possible. She is conning you. She is trying to manipulate the scores so she doesn't have to work as hard." I had told them how I had busted her in some lies and minipulations. That she should have been acting better that week. I had gotten an email from her LA teacher noticing the improvement. Mrs. Carpenter didn't respond. She got out the test results and showed me. It didn't make any sense to me. It was a page of words with some circled and some written next to. The SP asked to see last years curriculum and OAT scores. They were substantially better than her current year scores. Mrs. Carpenter said with an all knowing smirk on her face,"She had to have had someone help her more than they should have." Like they cheated. I said "No, she worked very hard last year to do as well as she did. She isn't working this year. She earned those grades." The SP said "I'm sure that she got the appropriate help but this is a hard case." I agreed, she is smart but tries to act like she isn't. She cons people into doing her work for her. It's not a good situation. I said to Mrs. Carpenter that I think the ideas on the DVD I sent in will really help with her behavior. She said she wasn't going to be watching it with everyone else but she was planning on seeing it. Great. One of the things that was said, when I told her that Penelope was trying to get her to think she isn't as smart as she is so that Mrs. Carpenter doesn't make her work hard, she had said "I'm going to have to get her back for that." Um, okay. I offered to talk with her and Penelope together sometime the following week.
Later that day, Penelope had therapy and her therapist were very stern with her about her manipulation and effort in school and told her that she isn't fooling anyone - well, except her teachers and does she really want them to think she is stupid? That pissed her off but she got the point. That weekend she also sat down with 4th grade teacher, not to be tutored, but to make a contract with her about expectations with behavior and schoolwork and what it will take in order to get to go back to tutoring.
Penelope seemed to have a new outlook on things. I even bought her a new folder to help get her organized. I sent an email to her teachers and everyone letting them know what has transpired and about the contract. I asked that they let me know at the end of each week if she was meeting her expectations so I could forward that on to her 4th grade teacher.
The SP emailed a response and said "Let's hold off with the evaluation and see how she does, what do you think?" I responded saying I didn't know, that if the reason she is getting an IEP is becasuse everyone thinks she reads at 2nd/3rd grade level, then yes. I'm also concerned about this assessment and whether or not it is manipulation proof. But otherwise I'm all for it. No response.
Her LA teacher emailed me that day also, which was before the in-service day and said that she had made up checklists for the three teachers to be sent home once a week. Great! She also said she watched the DVD and she could do Strong Sitting and Take a Hike and asked if Penelope has done those. They were going to watch it tomorrow and she will see what they have to say too. I said "Great!" She had done the one but not the other. I offered to buy any supplies needed to create this niche environment for her classroom. No response. Still to this day, no response.
Wednesday was the first day of the week that week. Wednesday and Thursday went well, but Friday was very bad. Thursday at therapy she was being really defiant about a social issue she was having. When we got home, she had a ton of homework to do but because she was in defiant mood, she refused to do her homework. I didn't yell but just reminded her of her contract and the consequences. I know I should have, but I was too close again to her school work and she blew up at me. She ran into her room on to her bed and told me to go away. I had asked her "Do you think you shouldn't have to do the same amount of work as everyone else in your class?" She yelled at me to leave her alone and get out and she didn't want to see me ever again. I told her I wasn't going to leave until she answered that question. She started to kick at me with her feet, I tried to grab her arms to pull her closer to me so she couldn't kick me. She started punching me, then she slapped me across the face. When she saw how startled I was to that she started trying to slap me again but I held her away. I kept telling her that I wasn't afraid of her and I wasn't going anywhere. She then stood up off her bed to get to the otherside of the room. I told her to come to me and I held out my arms to give her a hug. She picked up a 3 hole punch and raised it up and said "I will hit you with this." I said "Go ahead, I'm not scared of you." She swung it with all her might. I caught it on the outside of my forearm where I had put my arm up for protection. When she hit me, I grabbed it and dropped it on the floor. I grabbed her (a bit full of rage - but it left just as quickly as it came) and I pulled her to me and hugged her. She kept yelling "No! No!!!" and started crying. I told her I forgave her. I know she is really mad but she isn't really mad at me, is she? She said "No." Who are you mad at? "Heather" "I know kiddo. I am not ever going to leave you, no matter how hard you try to make me leave."
Anyway, she had a rough Thursday night. These are going to happen once in a while. She hasn't had an outburst like that in a couple of months. She is overall doing better. It was still scary, and exhausting. So Friday was a bad day when it came to having homework completed and focusing.
Thursday night I had decided I was done being envolved in homework. I can't be. So I had emailed my dad through my mom and said that he needed to be the one to work with her because I can't do it. I asked him to pick her up from school and take her home and get her to complete whatever homework she still doesn't have done. Also, not to give her hugs or any treats. He needs to be the bad cop in this, respite care, situation. So she only gets loving things from me - to bond with me, that life is better with me. I was still pretty pissed and hurt with her for hurting me even though I know it's not her, it's her illness. He said "No problem!" He was pretty upset with her too. I don't know what was said that night, but she got her butt chewed. From what I heard, he said things like "If you ever hurt my daughter again..." and "You are lucky because if it was me...." and "If it was anybody else, I would have killed them."
I was worried about her at my dad's. I know my dad can handle her but he's also a retired cop - a bit of a temper himself. I called a couple of times to check in on them. I left after the last call. He said that she got about 5 hours worth of work done in about 1 hour. But she wouldn't let him check it. I wasn't buying it. When I got there, I insisted on seeing it. I didn't act like I cared, but just that it was not an option to not look at it. I looked at it and told her it didn't meet the requirements for the project. I showed my dad and he got pissed at her. He said "I guess I will see you tomorrow then to Penelope." Her work was to write journal type entries one full page each, and she needed 7 of them. She drew pictures and half pages of filler. But they were about being given up for adoption, wanting someone to apologize to her and a family tree but I was farthest from everyone. Anyway, by Saturday morning when papaw showed up, I had made a list for him of everything she had to do that weekend to get caught up. In the process of going through her bookbag, I had found a ton of stuff she hadn't done. The list was huge! No wonder she was so overwelmed on Friday. When wanting her to change her ways, I failed to think about how behind she had gotten herself and the pressure she was under about it. She didn't want anyone to know. She spent the entire weekend with my dad getting caught up.
That following Sunday, her LA teacher emailed the SP and copied everyone on it saying that Penelope is still having a hard time because she got a 36% on a adverb test and that she recommends moving forward with the assessment. The SP said that she would move forward. I responded saying that I was fine with moving forward, but I didn't think it was fair to say she wasn't doing well. Yes, she got a 36% on her adverb test but she got a 96% on her Science test taken the same day. If she is suppose to show them that she is capable, 3 days isn't enough time. But I consider these seperate issues. Her IEP is one issue and her effort is another. No response.
They started the assessment that week. Papaw came over almost every day that week to check her homework and work with her on any outstanding issues.
That Friday, I received a call to pick her up because she is running a fever and that she must have whatever is going around. I got up there around 10:30 to pick her up. I saw Mrs. Carpenter in the hallway while I was waiting. She asked me about scheduling the sitdown with Penelope to have a talk to her about her schoolwork. I told her I didn't think it was worth the time, since who knows what is going on anymore.. I was trying to be vague because I really didn't want to have that conversation with her at that moment, no witnesses etc. I was there to pick up Penelope. Mrs. Carpenter said that she wanted Penelope to bring home a Realistic Fiction Story project they have been working on in class. She has the approved outline but her draft doesn't make any sense and her ending is not the approved ending. Okay, fine. I listened and took mental notes for papaw. We get home and I put her to bed. She spend pretty much the entire weekend in bed sick. Nothing major but upset stomach, lethargic and running a mild fever. Sunday, we debated on whether or not to see the grandparents but she was feeling better. She didn't eat dinner and she really didn't do much on her homework. But when my dad saw the story he had me read it.
It was concerning. The story was about her and some situations she had that year with a couple of bullies. She had changed everyone's name - except her dad's name. She talks about a fist fight that sounded like like the way she claimed happened between her and another girl in the bathroom, rumors being spread, and some dialogue that sounded like things she has said the bullies have said to her in the past. The ending was the most concerning. The resolution to her story was that her dad was going to take her away and hide her. Everyone thinks she is dead so they give up looking for her. Her dad homeschools her and they live "happily ever after. The End." Great.
On the way home I talk to her about how that's not going to happen. She seemed upset about the fact she had to take it home to work on it. She didn't want to change any of it. I'm thinking she is upset because no one at home was suppose to see it.
The next day I send an email to Mrs. Carpenter and let her know that Penelope was sick pretty much all weekend and didn't really get a chance to work on it. I asked when it was due and if she sent it home, we would work on it again.
I get an email response, copied to everyone (her MO), saying that it is due on Thursday. But went on to say how it was a special priviledge for Penelope to get to take it home. That no one else gets to do that. That she understands she was sick but it should have be done. That they have already spent many hours working with her on it. The email also says that Penelope spent "42 minutes picking her arm in class and when anyone tried to make suggestions or give her advise, she said she didn't know what to do since her grandpa wasn't there." She wants us to meet with her still. I printed it up and showed my dad, who was over helping her with her homework that Monday night. He was pissed about the message too. I did bring it up to Penelope about the fact that she says she can't work without her papaw but here he is and she won't re-write it with him either.
I also got an email from her LA teacher in response to the one from Carpenter. She agreed with her and said that Penelope has manipulated the adults seperately and her RAD is really becoming an issue. That it's been hard to stay on top of her. She wants to be in on the meeting with Penelope.

Below is the response email, with the change in any names of course:
Give her an F if this is the case. I will not continue to work with her on it. She will either get it done - or not. I don't know what you want me to do about her picking her arm for 42 minutes during class and saying that she didn't know what to do since her grandpa wasn't there. That's insubordination. I think it falls under #13 of the Code of Conduct for Pupils. You may think that I'm being mean or don't care, but I do. And I see her go to school, permitted to act this way with no recourse, and come home sicker than she did when she left. "Talking" to Penelope will not get you anywhere. She has been talked to numerous times. Action, consequences, no second chances... But you have heard this before.

When I picked up Penelope sick from school on Friday, it was the first time I remember ever hearing about the project. I wasn't aware that you were giving Penelope a special privilege. You also never stated it was to be done by Monday. To go on and explain how all the other kids are expected to finish it at school - I'm not really sure why you granted her this special privilege. You are saying that she spends her time not doing her work, arguing, complaining, manipulating, and you granted her special privileges? I know you want her to do well, I want her to do well too. Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought the accommodations/services provided are to assist her with her developmental issues - easily distracted, anxiety, focus problems. Why are you creating additional accommodations for her when she is just flat out refusing? If she was working hard and just wasn't getting it done, that would make more sense. But that's not the case here. No one in her life is going to make her want to do her work. From what I have seen, she is doing much better in Math and Science/SS - because she likes those classes. It's the work in LA she is fighting. I keep talking about consequences. If the alternative is more painful than doing her work, she will do her work.

I feel like I repeat myself over and over about what it will take to get Penelope on track at school. I can't do it from home. I can't be the bad guy for everything. In most families, a parent is the final disciplinarian for everything. But that's because the child wants to please their parents. Penelope wants me to give up on her. If I give up on her, she can go back and live with her dad George and they can live happily ever after. (Sound familiar? - her Realistic Fiction Story?) So if I get too involved in her school work, it gives her reason to shut down so I get mad at her. That is why her grandfather is working with her to make sure she does her homework. But that is only going to last so long. She argues with him every night. He shows her how her overall grades are improving and she likes that but it's not enough.

I really think you should consider trying some methods that I have suggested. I think that she will fight them initially but after a short period, you will see that you will be spending less time working with her because she would rather work than deal with the consequences. But I know I've said these things many time before. Penelope's attachment therapists have offered to meet with you all. Maybe they can help you. If your not interested, I will do what I can from home but I don't see things improving the way things are now. I just look forward to the IEP so all these issues can be formally addressed.
It took about 4 versions of my response before I felt comfortable enough to send it. I was pissed.


I haven't heard anything from her teachers from that email. I told myself if I didn't hear anything by Monday, I was scheduling myself some time with the Principal. I suspect that will be the case.