School

So, school… Over the two weeks, it’s become more transparent that things at school have deteriorated. And rather than talk to me about it, the school has made decisions, counter to what I’ve discussed with them, that have only made things worse. I’d like to believe that her teachers and the administrators care about Penelope and put value in my words. But I’m not getting that warm and fuzzy feeling anymore.




There were symptoms prior, but it all started with Penelope’s issues with tardiness and how the school was dealing with it. Previously, I’ve been the one who has complained about the fact she was tardy all the time. That there needs to be consequences from the school. “Please hold her accountable.” That’s all I wanted. I was told that the tardies are not a big issue because she’s only like a minute or two late which is better than it used to be so not to worry. But then it progressively got worse as school projects became due etc. So, the Assistant Principal up’d the ante. If she was tardy one more time, he was going to give her an in-school suspension or a 2 hour Friday Study (detention) versus the 45 minute detentions she had been getting. I praised her teacher for that decision knowing it would work. I had asked for a stricter consequence before but was told that it wasn’t possible because detentions are the rule. Her teacher thanked me for being supportive because most parents get upset when you discipline their kids. Not a problem here. Well, Penelope straightened right up and was on time for like 2 weeks. But you know it couldn’t last forever, that she was going to falter and test the boundaries. She had a falling out with her friends and they booted her from the lunch table that Friday. Pretty stressful stuff for any middle school-er. She had a bad weekend and I ended up keeping her home on that Monday, but she was strong enough to go to school the next day. Yes, no fun to have to face her peers again after that major rejection but she needed to be on time. She knew that expectation. But she dragged her feet and was 15 minutes late. Nothing happened. Late again. Nothing happened. Late again. Still, nothing happened. The next week she was given one detention. Late again. And again. Then I find out that her teacher and the Assistant Principal had made a deal with Penelope. If she was to school on time 3 of the 5 days, they would excuse the tardies PLUS she’d get 30 minutes of free time during class. After all that praising, did I find that out from the school of this change? No! From Penelope.



I didn’t say anything at first. I was really disappointed that they did this and was trying to figure out how to handle it. I’m trying to be a supportive parent and build good relationships with her teachers – but I swear, it’s like an endless cycle of nothing. You think you are getting through but it’s just a bunch of smoke and mirrors. And by the time you figure it out, it’s 4th quarter and your child is a mess!



Okay, that was a little jumping ahead. So, a couple of days after finding out about the downgrade of consequences for tardies, I find out she has a couple items due in Language Arts and she had a homework detention that day because of it but that Penelope claims the work is at home. I told her teacher that she should check her folder because Penelope typically doesn’t get her papers out of her bag at home, just at the tutoring program. I even offered to bring them up if they are at home, for her homework detention. I hear nothing. That Monday I send an email asking if Penelope got her work done. Of course Penelope told me she did, but I wanted to verify. Her teacher said she did. She even got an A on her vocab test. So the only thing left in the quarter is to have 5 essay questions about a book done by the end of the week. That gives her 4 days to do it. It’s online. I let Penelope know that I know about them and I’m here for help if she needs any. That Thursday, the day before it’s due, I get an email from her teacher saying that Penelope doesn’t have any of the essay questions done and needs to have 2 of the 5 questions completed by the 11:30 PM Friday online and that she has a Social Studies test on Friday. That Penelope told her she would ask me for help but she wanted to let me know “in case she changes her mind.”



I didn’t actually get the message until the following morning right when I woke up and checked my phone. Ugh. First, Penelope never mentioned her essay questions to me so I’m sure she didn’t do them. Also, unless she studied in the after school program, she didn’t study for her Social Studies test. But also important to mention – It seems her procrastination in doing her essay questions awarded her the opportunity to not have to do 3 of them. Nice.



I go to find Penelope to wake her up for the morning. She is sleeping on the couch – her typical “I’ve been up all night stressing about something” place. She tells me she is feeling sick to her stomach. I said “Does it have anything to do with the essay questions or the Social Studies test?” She covered her head with her blanket. I told her I just read an email from her teacher telling me about them. She whipped the blanket down and said “Yeah! You were supposed to help me!” I said “I was here all evening to ask. I can’t help unless you ask.” She responded “I sent you an email!” I told her that I didn’t see an email from her. She said “But I sent you one!” I said, with as much empathy as I could muster “Honey, I am available to help you with your homework whenever you ask me.” She grunted and walked out of the room. Seriously, she is trying to put this on me? Where’s the ownership?



I emailed her teacher back:

“I didn't read your email until this morning. Penelope didn't mention anything to me. I found her sleeping on the sofa this AM which means she had stomach cramps. I asked if it was because of the essays and her test and she became mad at me for not saying I'd help her with her essays. She claims she emailed me during 2nd bell, which I have double checked and I don't have any emails from her. I told her I just read your email about it. Regardless I explained she had every opportunity to ask last night but she knows that. The bigger issue is her lack of ownership of her work. I told her I was disappointed that she is taking this road because I can see how unhappy it makes her.

I also am just overall disappointed because I feel like we are failing her. We are sending her conflicting messages which have got to be confusing. She is a smart kid and I believe knows what she should do but when we hold her to a lower standard then the rest of the kids, what message does that send? Will doing that help her later in life? If, Mr. promises (which is how it should be considered) to giving her either a 2 hour detention or an in-school suspension, what message does it send when she is tardy for 4 or 5 days straight and given 1or 2 regular detentions and then promised that if she shows up 3 of the 5 days, the other 2 would be forgiven and she will be rewarded? The only reason she made it on time as much as she has is because twice in the past week I've had to be at work early and offered to drop her off at the cafe for breakfast. But I can't afford to do that every day, nor should I. Homework is the same way. If she gets behind because she doesn't want to do it, she only has to do part of it. I'm glad that there will be no late persuasive essay papers but I question the consistency. I'm not there and know the daily routine of holding kids accountable, and I know parents harp about not wanting their kids to get in trouble - but here I am, the minority I guess, wanting Penelope to get the message consistently that we care about her and want her to succeed by holding her accountable now, while the issues are small and the consequences trivial (compared to adulthood), with empathy (not sympathy nor anger) for the poor choice SHE made. She will learn from this. You, , nor I will be there to solve her problems for her forever.

I'm mad at myself for not being persuasive enough. And I can't figure out why you and feel it's better to handle these situations with her this way. I don't know what else to do. I want to work together on this. If you need something - buy-in from someone or resources you don't have, tell me.



Her response was:

Hi,

I'm sorry you feel we are making the wrong choices with Penelope. When I didn't hear from you about the tardy plan (which as you stated isn't working anyway) I assumed you were okay with it. In her IEP though it says for a reduction in work at a time of high stress. I was reacting to your input of Penelope's physical symptoms and panic attack due to stress. When Penelope shuts down she does not engage in the learning environment at all. I was trying to give a manageable amount of work so she wouldn't be so overwhelmed and not try anything. If she sits in in-school suspension, she basically has a free day where if she "looks" like she is working, the supervisor let's her be. I think I'm not sure what you want. The reduced number of test essays for the novel was part of our differentiation in class. There were some other students with their assignments adjusted as needed as well. We start a new quarter when we come back, and Penelope's IEP is up as well. Perhaps we should get together and talk if what you want is very different than what is currently in play. She will not be able to keep up with the volume of work at the high school though, and will need some modification leeway, but we can talk. Do you want to come in either Monday or Tuesday (around 1:30) so we can sit down and hammer out a plan on paper? Let me know if that would work for you.



My response:

I can come in Tuesday, April 10 at 1:30. This is in addition to our scheduled IEP renewal meeting Wednesday, April 11? Just want to make sure.

I do remember that the IEP says something similar to reduction in work at a time of high stress, and maybe the way it's written needs to change. It was my understanding that this was a last resort and I would be included in the decision to any changes to her work/curriculum. I've always said that I want her to have the same curriculum requirements as her peers. The exception would be made during critical levels of stress/meltdowns. If you want to know what a real critical level of stress/meltdown looks like, talk to <6th grade Intervention Specialist>. Part of Penelope's ability to grow stronger emotionally is to have the opportunities to fail and get back up. To have a hard time dealing with something and then overcome it.

I tell you how she's doing on rough days for her so you are aware and are looking out for signs where she needs that reinforcement the most.

I tell you for 3 reasons. 1) I don't know if she does this around you or not, but when something is overly bothering her she will vent about it in nonsensical ways. 2) She develops false ailments, like this morning she had a hurt finger from an injury that happened yesterday - but it just started hurting really bad today. 3) And most importantly, I tell you because her go-to coping skill is avoidant behavior. So I tell you so you are aware that she is trying to cope with some issues.

Sometimes she needs a few minutes to calm herself. But mostly she needs the positive support of boundaries - empathy and consequences.

Being held accountable so she doesn't get behind and have it snowball on top of her. And if she does, being supportive while she digs herself out. Not making her but having the choice of digging herself out much less painful. You said "When she shuts down, she doesn't engage in the learning environment at all." What does that look like?

What does she do in class? What happens? How does she get engaged again?

The reason in-school suspension is effective for her is that it takes her out of the social piece of school. It's a much more painful consequence than detention. Detentions have not been effective because they are sporadic and they take her out of the After School Program. Plus she gets out of school 30 minutes earlier. But that's not the issue I'm having. The problem I have is that she was promised something that didn't happen. It's the message it sends. The boundaries aren't really there. You can't rely on or trust this person. Broken promises are lies. It's pretty black and white thinking but I'm just letting you know. Boundaries are promises that make us feel safe. I'd rather the plan had reverted back to detentions for every tardy because at least that's the current standing rule for all students. She was perfectly fine being late Monday and Tuesday of this week because as she put it. "I'm allowed to be late."

The only other question I have is what do you mean that she will not be able to keep up with the workload at the high school?



Her response and last email:

Yes, in addition. Can't really respond now as I am leaving town. If you feel she should do all 5essays like everyone else, then have her do them. The directions are with the assignment on blackboard and they need to be completed and submitted by 11:30 tonight.



Soooooooo frustrating. That day, and through today, I try to look back at what I could have done differently or better to communicate Penelope’s needs while walking that fine line of not being an overbearing parent, requesting the unrealistic and not stepping up and supporting Penelope. I feel like I say the same thing over and over and over on deaf ears. I’d like to believe that I’m not the only one who wants her to do well. I know that there is a limited amount of resources to support Penelope so I’m try to recognize that in my communications with her teachers. I also feel like if they would just take my suggestions to heart, it would alleviate the pain of trying to make this child work harder.



Penelope believes she works way too hard. It’s my belief she works really hard at not doing her work. She spends all her mental energy on avoiding the work and then expends more fretting about getting in trouble, and then expends more on feeling bad about herself. By the end of the day she just wants to crawl into a hole and not think about it because she is out of emotional energy.



It’s not like I don’t understand why the school makes the decision to reduce her work and their expectations of her. It’s a knee jerk reaction hoping for an immediate result. But we are battling learned helplessness and a horribly low self-esteem. When you lower your expectations of her, how does that help? She has repeatedly shown that the amount of work isn’t the issue – she purposefully falls short of it regardless how much there is. The issue is her ownership. “I don’t want to do it, so figure out a solution for me to pass Teacher.” That’s the attitude she has.

Even if it’s a situation where you have to start from scratch with her, you should progressively raise that bar. Here we are at the end of 8th grade and the teacher is talking about Penelope not being able to handle the workload in high school? I feel like we’ve only gone backwards this year.



I tried to have a conversation with Penelope about this. I don’t know what else to do – if I can’t get the school to hold accountable and own her education – then I need to talk to her about it. But she brought up an excellent point. “Why do I have to do it if they (her teachers) say I don’t have to??” This is the attitude of any student really. It’s created by the way our education system works. Some kids get it and try to work towards goals they have set. If the school doesn’t provide the necessary classes to reach their goals, they look outside it for opportunities – volunteering, joining groups, sports teams, or classes at a local center. But most kids just put in their time and don’t connect their daily visits to the local school to their future. “If the school or teachers don’t require it, I must not need it.” At the same time, if the teacher exempts a child from school work, how are they supposed to prepare for tests and assessments?



So here I am. It’s Spring Break and next week starts 4th quarter. I have a child who has decided that she should have to do anything more than what her teachers ask of her – but even then won’t do that much either. I follow the Love & Logic principles of empathy and consequences. Penelope has progressed with our attachment and her behavior so much because of this approach. I’ve tried to instill this approach with her teachers. But it’s not worked. I wonder if it’s just because I’m the one saying it. Who am I to tell THEM this information? In 5th grade I made a point to buy a DVD for her teachers to watch to help them understand RAD and what works for kids like Penelope. I was told by the Principal that they probably took offense. After 6th grade, I thought that I’d have more success because of Penelope’s less oppositional, more fear based symptoms. Not so much.



Part of me wants to just have this meeting on Tuesday with her teacher and say “You will do things MY way” and lay out a plan. Maybe that’s what she needs. She says “I think I’m not sure what you want.” I can be crystal clear. Maybe I’ve been too wishy-washy about it. I’ve been relying on them as professionals with their teaching degrees to know what is best for her at school.



The other option is just hash it out and but I’m not sure what that looks like or how effective that would be. I don’t necessarily know how effective going in with Love & Logic plan either. I feel like my voice is small and I’m just going to get a lot of push back.



I just want what is best for Penelope and support the people who work with her.



It’s obvious I’m going to have to get a tutor to work with her as early as next week, but definitely over the summer and next year.