Family Disconnection

My last post was pretty long and I know that’s a bit of a faux pas in blogging. That’s why I should blog more often. But I’ve never been one to be short with my posts.


The majority of the last one was about the visits with George and how Penelope has been coping with them, which was most important to get down. My challenges have been separate from Penelope, as of late. Connected, but not caused by her. She has been, for the most part, pleasant to be around. We have our moments - where I have to remind myself to be patient with her and then call her nasty names after we are separate. Okay, I’ve only done that twice. Some of these moments don’t resemble the moments in the past that remind me of her mental illness and draw out that part of me that just wants to ring her neck. I’d rather have those moments even though I think I handle the other ones better.

The thing that’s been on my mind the most lately is my deteriorating relationship with my twin brother. I need to start with the fact that I had decided to make 2012 a year to put some focus on me. To take better care of me. The first quarter of the year is almost over and I’m not where I should be but any progress, is progress right? I’m not going to feel guilty about it.

Anyway, one of those pieces is to try to have some fun. My list of friends is pretty short/non-existent. I could re-kindle some old friendships from before Penelope, before I dropped off the face of the earth, but then I think how I’d have to explain everything and their potential lack of understanding, and the awkwardness of it along with the awkwardness of how much I’ve changed and our paths have drifted so far apart. I’m not the high energy go-getter I used to be. I don’t do happy hours, or go on weekend trips, or have Sunday afternoon lunches with the girls anymore. I tried to keep up that part of my life after Penelope came to live with me, but I had so much on my mind, so emotionally raw with what was going on at home, I couldn’t contribute to the conversation or the fun anymore. I felt like a tag along, a empty vessel that was using up space at the lunch table we sat at. That’s the best I can explain it really. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling so I just distanced myself from them.

I have two friends. I don’t talk to them very much and they are not strong friendships really. One is Alice, who was the Volunteer Coordinator for the non-profit that Penelope did community service at – playing card games with mentally ill/previously homeless residents. She introduced me to, my now client, Chelsea. Alice is probably one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met. She is very involved in politics and knows EVERYBODY. She is a bit older than me but I tend to gravitate towards people older than me. Chelsea is my age and we don’t have much in common but we get along very well. Since Chelsea is my age, and my only “friends” my age are my twin brother and his wife, I thought to have a dinner party/game night or something like that with them. I didn’t want to tie it down to anything in particular. Just a get together. Chelsea is married so I told her to bring her husband. I told my brother that he could invite a couple of their friends that I’ve met that seem nice. After three attempts over about two months of trying to get this thing to happen, I gave up. My brother had cancelled on me at the last minute all three times. If he didn’t come, his wife wasn’t going to come and neither of them came, then their friends wouldn’t come, and that just left Chelsea and her husband and me embarrassed so I kept postponing it. After the 3rd attempt and failure I gave up. His reasoning was either work, too tired from work or he forgot about some other thing he had already committed to. In a conversation with my mother, I told her I wasn’t going to try to reschedule it this time. It was too embarrassing. This made her mad enough I guess that she called my brother at some point and told him as much. She confronted him about why he was blowing me off. You have to understand that when my Mom gets mad about something, she tends to mix in other things that make her mad and make it about her and how she feels about it. I don’t say that in a slam against her, it’s just something that I’ve learned about her that I have to pick through when I’m trying to understand an issue she is having. It had been about a week since my last cancelled get together, and she called me to tell me about this fight she had with him and how ticked off she was. She went on about how much she loves her grandchildren and would be there for them more if it wasn’t for his daughter-in-law. She never wants her around. She doesn’t want any of us around. She just wants him all to herself etc. etc. She goes on and tells me how when she asked him if the reason he has been cancelling is because of Penelope, that he said yes. She said “I asked him why are you not close to your sister anymore and he said ‘Because she still has Penelope’.” Then she went on to say how mad that makes her and that she will always be there for Penelope and I and that yes she is there more for Penelope than his kids but that’s because Penelope needs her more than his kids do…. I’m stunned at this point as she continues to ramble on about herself and just skim over what she said. So I said “Hold on. What did he say?” She said “He said he doesn’t want to be around you anymore because you still have Penelope.” My whole body went numb. “Because you still have Penelope…..” I said “Are you sure that’s what he said? I mean, are you sure he didn’t mean something else like because I have Penelope, it’s hard to get together? (understanding that he or his wife do not want to see her or have her around their kids)” She said “No. I asked him and he said that wasn’t it…. But don’t worry.. You know how he is. It’s not him, it’s his wife. She’s the one….” I don’t remember much after that. I was floored. Both by the revelation and by the delivery! I told her that I had to go. I was, at least planning on, going to sleep.

I didn’t sleep of course. I was devastated. I was full of all kinds of mixed feelings. Part of me was mad, but part of me understood even. I was afraid this was going to happen. I have been tip-toeing around this possible outcome. Making a point to not push my feelings about Penelope on him, or even discuss her to any extent. He asked me to do that a while ago. To not even say her name. My mom told me she purposefully talks about her with him and says her name because she thinks it’s wrong he asks us to. But I don’t agree. I don’t think we should tell him how to think about this. No one has the right, especially me. I picked her over him. I didn’t want it to come to that type of thinking, but it is what it is. Back when it happened, one of the extreme emotions I was having was anger. I told myself “I’m not going to let HER get between us (my brother and I).” I was so scared of loosing my twin brother in this. This decision I made to take Penelope in and help her.. was it worth losing my relationship with my twin brother over? Even with all that anger, I couldn’t answer that. So I made a point to not let it become a question or issue. I thought we had worked through it where we agreed not to let it ruin our relationship. But that was easier said than done. Over the first year following, we had a few arguments. You have to remember that the court proceedings dragged out a good 8 months. Each time there was a court hearing, it all came back up. He thought I was trying to get her off with no consequences. He felt she should be locked up in a mental institution. I had to tell him that wasn’t one of the possible consequences. They felt like, and still do I guess, feel like there really is no hope for her. Even though over time my anger subsided and I was able to look at the situation with more clarity, I felt like they had the right to his own feelings. I just prayed that whatever the consequence the courts handed down were not going to be permanently on her record or cause her more trauma. When her case was dismissed due to her lack of competence to stand trial, I grieved again. I knew that it didn’t give my brother and his wife justice, nor provided any help for her. Of course there was a part of me that was relieved too, because it could have been a worse conclusion too. I didn’t like not having the control over what happens to her and I didn’t trust the system to do it appropriately because of what we had experienced through the trial.

I always wondered how much he was going to blame me for what happened. Shouldn’t I have known? I have my own guilt from it of course. I really thought that was the issue to be worried about. Not that I still have her. That I made a choice. I thought he wouldn’t put that on me. Consider it a choice between her and him. That’s where most of my hurt is.. that he doesn’t care enough about me to not consider it a choice. To make it a choice by doing this. To have wanted me to give up on her. But then again, who am I to tell him how to think.