Petty Theft Charge

Okay, so Penelope is back to committing crime. Her school had been having a fundraiser selling handmade jewlery to raise money for poor kids in 3rd world countries. She had a couple of dollars on her and used it on to buy herself these little finger dolls and a hacky sack - so I thought. She then asked if she could have some money because she wanted to buy a necklace for me she saw. I say no to her alot so I thought that I needed to cave on this and I gave her 5 dollars the next morning when dropping her off to school. Later that day I received a phone call from Mrs. Brown, her Intervention Specialist from 6th grade. Penelope had gone to her during the lunch hour and showed her the stuff she had "bought" from the fundraiser. One of those items is a $30 necklace. Mrs. Brown knows I'm not working and would probably not give Penelope that kind of money. She questioned about the necklace and Penelope caved quickly. She also had a $4 bracelet and a two more finger dolls and the original 4 finger dolls and the hacky sack. Penelope tried to claim a "friend" gave her the hacky sack. But she couldn't remember the name of this friend. I told her later "Just talk to this friend and have her tell Mrs. Brown she gave it to you." Penelope said "She isn't like that! She doesn't like to help people out that way! Just ... never mind!" Sounds pretty guilty to me.

We determined that she may have bought the hackysack, but probably didn't. I told her teacher to return the hackysack because I don't think someone gave it to her and if someone did, it's just part of the consequence. She can't prove someone gave it to her and she already admited she didn't buy it. But she didn't buy the necklace. Mrs. Brown said she hadn't talk to anyone about it yet, she just wanted to talk to me first. I said she should certainly get whatever consequence is in the handbook but I also felt she needed something else, linked to the crime - I didn't know... maybe have to raise money for the fundraiser herself? I don't know...

It was at the end of the day and I knew Penelope would be walking home from school. I was concerned about this, that she might try to run away or something. She also likes to stop at this store and I had found out the day prior that she had asked the owners for a job. She wants to get paid in merchanise - jewlery. Yeah.. So trying to keep things normal I waited, impatiently for her to come home. I gave her plenty of time before I got in my car and started heading to school. I found her a couple of blocks away walking home. When she saw me she started wailing. The face of a 4 year old. I pulled into a church driveway near where she was and she got in the car sobbing. She claimed she was freezing, even though she had her winter coat on and everything. She said "Look at my hands! They are so red from being cold!" They weren't red at all. I asked her "So what happened today?" She said "Oh, Amy..." wanting to complain that she was being picked on by one of her classmates. I said "Not that Penelope, stealing the necklace." She claims she wanted to steal it for me. I don't know if I believe it but she does make me cards and tells me she loves me ALL THE TIME. Her anxiety. She felt that wanting me to have this necklace was a good enough reason to break the law. She gets it, from all the people that have told her so, that's it's not okay. But I really believe she disagrees. That or she feels that we will be less hard on her for the theft because it was out of love? I don't know.

She knew that she was going to find out her school punishment the next day. I woke her up a little early to give her plenty of time to get ready for school knowing there was going to be some dragging of the feet. Maybe it would have been better to wake her up late and have a mini fire drill out the door. I don't know. The closer the time got to when it was time to go to school, the slower she became, the more defiant she became. Then she declared "I'm not going to school today." I calmly pumped her up letting her know that I know it's going to be a hard day but she is strong enough and right now she just needs to get through it etc. We were about 15 minutes late getting to school, after about 3 times of having to talk her back in to going to school. "You can do it." When we reached the front of the school, she couldn't get out of the car she said. "I can't move my legs." "My book bag is too heavy.." Then she just busted out crying, in a very child like wail. I turned the car off and helped her take a binder out of her book bag for her to carry in her arms and walked her through the front door to the attendance desk. The school personnel working the desk could see I had a distressed kid on my hands I'm trying to transition into school and offered to call someone. No one was available right then. Her IS and the school guidance counselor were walking out of a meeting and saw us standing there. So did the school psychologist. They came over. Everyone was busy on the way to something else and was trying to figure out what to do. They kind of looked at me like "What do you want us to do?" I said "I could keep her at home today but I thought that might defeat the purpose...." The guidance counselor agreed. Good, I didn't really want to drop off this emotional child who probably wasn't going to be much of a student/learner today but she has to deal with the consequences. Her IS asked Penelope's if she could go to her locker by herself and put her books away and Penelope said "No." She wanted someone to go with her. So the IS walked her down. From what I gathered they were going to find a place for Penelope for the first couple bells to calm down and try to get the Asst. Principal to see her ASAP to get the dishing out of the consequence out of the way as it was obvious her anxiety was due to the unknown of what was going to happen.

I found out later that the meeting with the Asst. Principal didn't happen until that afternoon but Penelope made it through her classes (I guess.. I didn't get any calls but I also didn't get a response to my email asking how she coped with her day).

I did get a call from the Asst Principal letting me know that since this was Penelope's second time stealing at school, that instead of getting a one day in-school suspension, she was getting a 3 day out of school suspension, beginning the following day. So a Friday, Monday and Tuesday. A long 5 days. The other thing he told me is that the new principal is filing a police report and having her charged with theft. He is going to request that it be handled in our little city's Mayor's Court. It's not part of the County's judicial system so it wouldn't go on her record. The principal has found that this works getting kids to stop stealing, he said.

I picked up Penelope from school a little later and she was all teary eyed. Which I guess is better than all slap happy. Been there done that before. She didn't feel well she said. I brought some fruit to snack on for her during our 1 hour drive to Attachment Therapy. I tried to get her to relax by laying back in her seat etc. She just kept saying she wanted fattening food to snack on. She ate all the grapes and most of the apple slices. I did talk to her about her day and her complaint was that no one helped her calm down. No one talked to her about her feelings. She was mad at her IS for not talking to her. She was mad at the new Principal because he didn't make time for her like the old Principal would when the guidance counselor was busy. She was mad at the Asst. Principal for punishing her so severely. She took it as them not liking her and ganging up on her. I take it as Penelope not getting the attention she wanted. She wanted everyone to tell her it was okay. That it will be okay and she is a good kid. She also doesn't feel like she deserves the punishment.

On the way up I also received a call from the Police Station and the officer in charge of the case. He was planning on sending a couple officers to our home after we returned from therapy to have us sign some forms. Great..

Penelope had neurofeedback first (after her AT and I talked for a few moments) which her AT said still went very well, that Penelope was able to get her brainwaves to be down and stay down for the most part. She has one on her right that is a "trauma indicator" she calls it that is fighting to come down and she still needs to work on that. Then we have our talk session. Penelope was acting babyish during the session. Her AT talked to her about what happened, having her tell her what went on. Determining if Penelope truly understood what she was doing was wrong when she did it. She admitted she thought she'd get away with it. But she wanted it for me etc. Her AT talked to her about the Good Penelope and the Bad Penelope and how they are one in the same. That there is no such thing as a totally good person. She was going down this road with Penelope because of how Penelope feels that there is this Bad Penelope that will always do bad things and that you shouldn't punish the Good Penelope because she is all good and wants to do the right thing. Wanting to do the right thing (supposedly) is not good enough to not get consequences. Her AT also talked about Penelope's need to grow up. That she can not stay young and be happy there. We know she does it because she feels safer there. Penelope said "But I don't want to grow up." Her AT said "But isn't hard to make friends when they don't want to do the things you want to do anymore?" which she knows is a touchy point for Penelope because this is the most painful part of her choice to stay emotionally young. She wants friends but doesn't have any. She says defiantly "I have a best friend and yeah she is 10 but we have fun together." We pointed out that this friend will continue to grow and she we eventually outgrow her as well if she decides to stay a little kid.

I think Penelope heard her but didn't like it and dismissed it not caring about the negative affects of her choice to want to stay a little kid inside. I don't know what to think of all of it. On the way home my Dad called me and told me just to go to the station because we really don't want the police coming around alarming our new neighbors. I didn't even know it was an option but we did have a longer than normal session so we were running behind from the time I told the officer so I used that as my excuse to go to the station instead of having them come to us.

We arrived at the station and waited for a little bit. Penelope was being "bored" but also nervous. The Officer basically needed to give us the Complaint and the Hearing Notice and had us sign. He did talk to Penelope about what would happen if she did it again and tried to scare her a little bit. I don't think it worked. He said that if she did it again she would go through the court downtown and "Have you heard of 20/20?" He doesn't know this isn't our first rodeo and Penelope has been to the courthouse downtown and to 20/20 (Juvenile Jail) for her competency classes many times. He asked her if she had any questions and the only questions she had related to his tazer on his belt and if he had ever had to use it etc. Ugh!

Penelope was very clingy that night, happy to be home, happy to not have to go to school the next day... I told her that she works when she doesn't go to school. I took her to the house on Friday (her 1st day of suspension) and made her clean, sweep, mop. She actually did it with no complaints. Saturday she spent the day with Grandma as I babysat my niece and nephew for my brother so my Dad and him and his wife and father-in-law could go to a football game. My mom took Penelope to get her haircut, got her blond highlights, bought her winter boots and new gym shoes and some colorful socks and leggings. My mom buys things as her "love language" (taking from a post from Mary The Mom) but it's not always conducive to what is best for Penelope. Penelope needed new shoes and a haircut but my Mom always takes it to the next level. But I get her need to do these things.

That Sunday I made Penelope help me clean the condo. I hadn't had time with everything and it was getting on my last nerve. We spent the ENTIRE day doing it. She complained most of the time and made me want to pull my hair out a couple of times but did what I told her to. My goal was to get the condo clean and start on my 2nd online course for my certification for Qu*ckbooks (part of my consulting business I'm starting). I had finished the 1st course over a week ago and really need to keep moving forward. There are 9 courses. But I didn't get to start it.

So Monday, I debated on getting started on it but still needed to keep Penelope busy. I received a call from the officer in charge of Penelope's case and he wanted to stop by to go read Penelope her rights, have her fill out a statement and explain how this unofficial court process works. I told him that we were going to be leaving to go clean (her consequence for not being in school) and we could come to him. Great... no big deal. Well, it really wasn't but it was trying on me. Probably more me than Penelope. While she filled out her statement, the officer wanted to talk to me in the hall. When he had called, he had told me a bit about the court process. I had debated asking certain questions but I went ahead and did. I had learned from the officer who gave us the court date that this is actually in front of a magistrate. I had asked if we needed to get a lawyer. That's a loaded question for a police officer. Are you "lawyering up?" He can't say "No" but he said that we don't have to and that most people don't. I wanted to know if there was going to be a prosecutor there. He said there was. I wanted to have a better understanding how unofficial this was. This issue I was having is that the officer had said that the magistrate would ask Penelope questions. I told him that Penelope has been charged with a crime before but the charges were dismissed. She was also found not competent to stand trial. I want her to have consequences but I also want to respect her rights. He said that he understood and that he would talk to the Magistrate about it. We discussed Penelope's mental health issues, in a very general manner. He asked what kind of consequence I want to see? I said that I am not sure just because what I've learned is that it's best the consequences relate to the behavior but I don't know what that would be. He discussed community service as really the only thing he's ever heard of but didn't know what exactly they'd have her do. I didn't know if I said too much to him, or not enough. I was worried about that. The relationship with the police officer from when she sexually assaulted her cousins went down hill right away. He was nice and accommodating (and lied) just long enough to get information that turned on us. I didn't want that to happen again. I want to have this work this time.

After that whole thing I took Penelope back home because it was lunch time. Her math teacher had sent over that week's packet and I had her work on that while I hung out with my Mom destressing. Then I had to go get George and take him to the bank so he could get a claim form notorized for his stolen bike. It was either myself or my Mom to do this but my Mom really didn't want to go out in the cold. Fine. I needed a break from Penelope anyway. Not that George is really a break. He is always so wrapped up in his own life drama to care of be interested in what is going on with anyone else, like Penelope. That or he is is in denial or avoiding talking about his daughters pain because he can't handle it.

The other thing going on was that somewhere around this time, during all this, Harriet finally surfaced after not hearing from her about setting up a time to meet. What was going on is that she was trying to get her Mom to... do something. Harriet had called Geoff and told her how her and her Mom were going to meet with me and force me to allow visitations. I hadn't really heard about the whole conversation - hard to do that when you have Penelope right there all the time, so I figured I would talk to him while I took him on his errand. Oh my, what a bad idea that was. I almost wrecked 3 times because I was so not focused on driving. He told me that he argued with Harriet about her seeing Penelope. That I have told him and Harriet that I really DO want Penelope to have a relationship with there parents, but when she is strong enough. She told him "You don't really believe that do you? She is just going to keep saying that until we give up and go away?" He said that she went on to say that Penelope didn't get sick (her symptoms didn't really surface big time) until she was with me and that it's because I told her horrible things about Harriet which traumatized her. She says that Penelope's illness is purely genetic. Harriet's Grandfather was schizophrenic and spent most of his life in a mental institution. That's what's wrong with Penelope. (See, this is why I don't tell her anything! I told her about Penelope's meltdown and saying that she heard in her head someone tell her to do something. But that she is showing signs of Disassociation, having flashbacks - not schizophrenia! And by the way, we haven't had any of that since then as she doing well with her EMDR.) Also, I guess Harriet's Mom was also upset because she hasn't been able to see Penelope either. But George told her what I have told him which she hasn't contacted me to want to see Penelope. He then asked me "Is it true that you won't let Penelope see Harriet's Mom without you being there?" I said "Heck yeah! The last time she spent a long weekend with her, when I picked Penelope up, Harriet was there, and that was never discussed." (Harriet's Mom lives 3 hours away) Penelope had to have been left alone with her and she is not safe around Harriet. This was back before Harriet was cut off from Penelope. I continued and said "She continues to deny that Harriet did anything wrong to Penelope and even denies Penelope's illness. What would prevent her from allowing Harriet to see Penelope? Nothing. If she wants to see Penelope, I must be there. She knows this and doesn't like it." As you can see, this wasn't the best conversation to have while driving.

The Monday night that was Penelope's last day of suspension and returning to school did not go well. Just like it has happened in the past, when the term "Bed Time" is announced, she goes from normal and calm to enraged and defiant. She does this "I'm not going to bed!" and parked her but in a chair in the living room. She eventually admitted that she didn't want to go back to school and claimed it was because "everyone is going to bug me about where I've been, why I wasn't at school." I told her "Well,... that is one of the consequences for your actions." That didn't go over well. She stomped off to her room. I followed her and gave another answer. "Penelope, it's none of their business so you can just say 'I don't want to talk about it' or something like that.'" She didn't want to solve the problem, she just wanted to not go to school. She continued to get more mad. I then just focused on her anger and get her to calm down. But her anger was targeted at me and she didn't want to listen to anything I had to say. She started screaming at me, and I had warned her about moving into a condo, she can't be doing that. So I reminded her. My Mom, who has been staying with us came to the room and before she could enter the room, Penelope started yelling at her "Stay out of this Grandma! Stay out of it!" This was very upsetting to her and I told her it was okay for her to go so she left the doorway. Penelope was yelling for me to leave her alone and to get out. I told her I wouldn't until she calmed down. She said "I don't want to calm down. I want you to leave! I never want to talk to you again!" Then she picked up her clothes hamper near where she was standing and held it up threatening to hit me. She said "Don't make me hit you with this." I wanted to say "Go right ahead." But that wasn't the right response. I said "I will leave when you get in to bed and turn the lights out." She said "FINE" and gets into bed. She says "Now leave!" I reminded her about the light. She said "It's off now so leave, and find somewhere else to sleep!" Because my Mom was staying with us, I gave her my room and I was sharing Penelope's room sleeping in her other twin.

I ended up sleeping in her room. She passed out probably within 10 minutes. I was up for a couple of hours longer and felt that her emotions just got the best of her and it would be okay to sleep in her room. I was a little concerned but knew it needed to be addressed the next day. She was VERY remorseful the next day. Thank goodness, I really thing that is one of the strong tools we have against her becoming violent is remembering how bad it makes her feel after she calms down and thinks about it. She went to school with only a little bit of reservation. This was the last week of school before the Winter break. I had emailed her IS letting her know how things went and Penelope's concerns about kids bothering her. I also mentioned that Penelope had been tardy 3 times last week with no detentions. I reminded her to look at it as Penelope testing to make sure the safe boundaries are still in place. She said she'd handle it. Penelope was given a detention later that day for the following day.

Her unofficial hearing was scheduled for the 15th. I had talked to her Trauma Therapist about an appropriate consequence. She recommended that Penelope have to work directly with the less fortunate. She needs a lesson in how hard some people really have it. I couldn't agree more. I asked my Dad to come to the hearing with us. I was concerned about it just from the standpoint that I could have been lied to by the police officer like last time.

But it ended up being more informal that I understood it to be. The "Magistrate" is an attorney acting as a "Legislative Counselor" or something like that. There wasn't any prosecutor. Before the actual hearing, I told the officer what Penelope's therapist recommended for punishment. He wanted me to tell the attorney before the hearing. While Penelope and my Dad waited in the lobby, I went in the room with him. We were using a room that had a bunch of tables and chairs. The attorney sat at a table that was set up at the front of the room. The police officer introduced me to the attorney and told him what I had said. I explained the rationale behind this consequence versus a standard picking up trash or something. He had asked if she had ever committed a crime before. I said that she had been charged before, which was one of my concerns, because she was determined incompetent to stand trial and I didn't want that to get in the way of her having consequences for her actions but also respect that as well. I explained that her incompetence isn't because she isn't smart - she understands everything, but her emotional age is very young and that's what caused that determination. He asked what her charge was? I hesitated. This was the question I feared by bring up her incompetency issue. I went ahead and answered. "Rape." His and the officer's eyes went kinda big. Then the attorney said "Well, that information is confidential..." At this point we were ready to have the hearing so Penelope and my Dad came in. Penelope had to sit on a chair set up directly across from the table in front of the attorney. The police officer stood to the side near the front of the room. A woman from Youth Services was there in the back (and heard the Rape thing), and then my Dad and I. The attorney did a little bit of formal speak to declare why we were there, that Penelope has a right to an attorney and who he was. He announced the charge. Penelope right away said "I did it." Which was good. I had told her that she was going to have to tell him if she agrees or disagrees with the charges. I guess she wanted to get it out of the way. He made note and began to ask her a bunch of questions. He was nice to her and explained why it was wrong and pretty much had the talk we all have had with her. But you could tell from Penelope's perspective SHE WAS LISTENING. There was just the right amount of official-ness to send home a good message without sending her over the edge.

He determined her sentence as 40 hours of community service, with 20 hours of it suspended as long as she has no more problems for 1 year. He explained that to her to make sure she understood. She was definitely talking young but said enough to let him know she is intelligent. He said that the community service was going to be working directly with the needy and that he was referring her to Youth Services to get that time completed. He also told Penelope that she may actually enjoy the work and could continue to do it beyond the required time if she wanted.

We met with the woman from Youth Services the following week. She did kind of an assessment of Penelope. I don't know how else to explain it. Asked her questions about what she does, how she feels etc. We talked about the type of service we want her to do and limitations (obviously not working with little kids) but I said she'd have to have someone with her who can help her cope if she becomes overwhelmed or scared. She was going to call me the next day. That was a little over a week ago and I haven't heard from her but it's been the holidays so I don't care. Penelope has until 3/1/11 to get her hours in. She gave me a couple copies of a form to have signed if I find something for Penelope to do myself. I just want to get through the Winter break and then we will work on that.