Christmas and Bio Parents

Penelope did get to see her Dad at Christmas. Her Mom did not ask or try to see her this Christmas, which is a good thing. I do not take it to mean she didn't want to see her, but has given up on trying.  Though I've told her that she has to be patient and wait until Penelope is ready and that I'm pushing for a reunion, she doesn't believe me. Shocking, right? It's been several years since she has seen Penelope and it's much easier for her to sleep at night believing that I am the evil Aunt who has brainwashed her child into not wanting to see her own Mother because said Aunt wants to blame Penelope's mental illness on her when it's really just biological. Yeah, she could have been a better Mom but little Penelope adored her Mom. So she will just have to wait until Penelope is 18 years old and evil Aunt can't prevent them from seeing each other. Whatever..
Speaking about Harriet and Penelope, nothing ever came up again about Penelope wanting to see Harriet. I tried to bring it up twice and I was immediately shut down. Penelope didn't want to talk about it. I get it, this is one of the hardest times of the year for her. From a severity standpoint, it's similar to a bad dragged-out cold while Mother's Day is like a food poisoning. Short and severe. Birthdays are .. well, can't find an illness to best describe that one. More like an "under the influence" experience. It would be very interesting to see a brain scan during these times of the year.
Her maternal grandmother, Sheryl, and my Mom had been corresponding via email the past few months. That was interesting to learn about, in a frustrating way. See, Sheryl hasn't seen Penelope in as long as Harriet. Not because Penelope doesn't want to see her or anything like that. Back in 2008, the second time Penelope tried to commit suicide and described to the mental professionals her desire to kill Harriet, I recommended that Sheryl not go see Penelope in the hospital. Looking back, I probably should have let her so she could see how truly bad off Penelope's mental state was. But then I think she still would come away with the same opinion that she has had all these years which is it's a result of George telling Penelope her Mom doesn't love her and did bad things to her. She really just doesn't have a clue. Anyway, I didn't let anyone but myself and my parents to talk to Penelope and see her in the hospital. She had a "psychotic break" and it wasn't any longer about whether she could handle a visit from these people, but her ability to come back from this psychosis. Sheryl only visited Penelope a few times a year since she lived about 3 hours away in a different state anyway and told her that I thought it would be best to keep people she communicated with to the people in her daily life. Sheryl is also Harriet's Mom so I didn't know, with her state of mind, if that would be an issue. About 6 months later (I can't remember), Sheryl invited Penelope to come stay the weekend. This was a problem for me because the last time Sheryl had Penelope for a weekend, I found out after the fact that Harriet was there the entire weekend too and that Sheryl left Penelope in Harriet's care for hours when she would go spend some time in her art studio. Then, with all that had transpired with the hospital visits, the conversations about Penelope's RAD and what caused it, and Sheryl's consistent defense of Harriet's parenting, I just didn't feel comfortable sending her down alone. But I wasn't going to prevent her from seeing her grandmother. It wasn't like I thought Sheryl would intentionally hurt Penelope but because she doesn't understand Penelope's needs and didn't take my word for it, Penelope would at risk of getting hurt or hurting herself. What I mean by this is that besides Sheryl potentially exposing her to Harriet, feeling like it's no big deal, she could also assume Penelope knew age appropriate boundaries and leave her unattended to steal, damage or self-injure. George used to visit Sheryl with Penelope, so I took that route and "assumed" I was invited down as well. That wasn't received well. "I have to be supervised too?" I tried to explain that Penelope has unique needs but that wasn't an acceptable answer and the scheduling of that visit was never spoken of again.
Then about a year after that, Penelope was invited to a family wedding through Sheryl. Harriet wasn't invited because this part of her family had written her off. But Sheryl decided not to have Penelope go because she felt it was unfair that she would get to see Penelope when Harriet isn't allowed to. I thought that was stupid but whatever.
Then about a year or two later when petitioning on behalf of Harriet for a visit at Christmas time, told Penelope's therapist that the reason she, Sheryl, hasn't seen Penelope is because I won't let her. I won't let her because she looks too much like Harriet and it would be upsetting. I was floored by this because I said that in the context of visits in the hospital in 2008.
Now Grandma Sheryl and my Mom are corresponding via email and there is some talk about allowing Penelope  and Grandma Sheryl  to visit each other.  I love how I wasn’t included immediately in this conversation and I was told by my Mom “email her.” Grandma Sheryl send Penelope a sterling silver bracelet she made and a gift card for Christmas. The card had a brief note but was long enough to include “We should make jewelry together again some time.”  Understand that Sheryl lives far enough away that this would be at least an overnight at her place in order for that to happen.  Penelope didn’t have any reaction to it or think twice about it, almost leaving me to wonder if she actually read it.
I have yet to email Grandma Sheryl or discuss it with Penelope. I’m sure I’ll get around to it eventually. Need to get past the holidays and illnesses going through our house. Basically, it’s not a priority but on the radar. I will deal with it later.
I didn’t hear anything from Harriet, though she sent a Christmas gift to Penelope through George.  Harriet doesn’t know that George sees Penelope once in a while now, so it’s apparent that they still hang out once in a while. The only reason this bothers me is because its just another demonstration how dysfunctional they are.
George visited with my parents on Christmas morning. The visit started out fine. We had breakfast and then opened presents. George bought Penelope an X Box game and a off brand mini tablet. There some history regarding the tablet. George really wanted to buy Penelope a tablet for Christmas. This started over the summer. I had considered it too, with her starting her freshman year of high school, having all of us go in on a nice one. But seeing how much she avoids schoolwork and how she is always using her android phone to watch videos, play games, use social media and all that teenagers do, I felt like it was only going to make the battle between schoolwork and R&R for her even harder. On top of that, I’d have to be the bad guy and take it away from her when she doesn’t stick to the rules about homework. I told him I didn’t feel she was ready to have a tablet computer and not to get her one. He felt like “as her father” he should make sure she has every tool she could use to do well in school.  It wasn’t like she was even asking for one but it didn’t matter what I said, like it ever does.  About two weeks before Christmas he calls me all proud of his purchase and wanted to tell me what a great deal he got on it.  My Mom tells me later that day that she told him to call me first and make sure it was okay to get. Whatever. Anyway, the Christmas visit was fine  until shortly after opening presents. It’s almost like if it’s too long of a visit, he gets too comfortable and can’t control his ability to be the jerk he really is. I had told him on several occasions that Penelope does not want him in her room when he is over. He had gone in there at Thanksgiving to see the paint job from the redecorating we did for her birthday. Even though I told him she was upset by it, he did it again on Christmas. After breakfast and opening presents, Penelope wanted to get away from the stimulus of it all and went to her room for a break. Nothing bad, just wanted a few minutes alone. I thought this was awesome that she was 1) in tune with her anxious feelings and 2) problem-solved by deciding to go to her quiet and safe room where she could relax for a few minutes. But George followed her. Penelope isn’t strong enough yet to draw that line with her Dad, in the moment. I walked past her room and saw her sitting on her bed facing the door, not looking at him but with a scared/angry expression on her face with her arms crossed. George was sitting in her desk chair that he rolled over to the side of her bed, oblivious to (or ignoring?)   her body language ,and was talking to her.  I walked in and said “What’s going on?” George said “We’re just talking.” I said, “Let’s move it to the living room. I need your guys help anyway” and walked away trying to make it a non-issue. Didn’t work. George was angry with me for interrupting their one on one time.
He came into the living room and essentially tried to pick a fight with me. He decides to tell me “One day when your cat (that hates his guts and has bitten him) bites me, I’m going to pick him up (and motions picking up a cat by it’s scruff) and punch him right in his face (and motions punching really hard) making him fly!” He sees me getting angry and says with a smirk on his face, “He won’t be around to bite me again after that.” Of course this pissed me off, which was his intention I quickly realized. I wanted to say “You better not touch my cat, ever! That will be the last day you’ll ever get to see Penelope!” in the mind frame that I will never tolerate his presence again and he has to see me to see Penelope. But I knew saying that would only be falling into this trap he was setting. It took me a second or two to adjust but I ended up saying, calmly even, “The day you do that is the last day I bet Penelope will speak to you. She loves that cat more than anything.”  Yes, thank you, thank you. I was highly impressed with myself as well.  I attribute my ability to come up with that while extremely angry and deliver it calmly to my years of training through parenting a child with RAD.
As you can imagine, it completely nullified his attack. Penelope happened to walk in the room right at that time and said “What about the cat?” I started to say, “Your Dad said..” and he cut me off and said  with a softer, wavering tone “I was just saying that he better not bite me again because I might accidentally hit him in his teeth and knock his teeth out so he can’t bite me again.” Penelope said “You better not TOUCH my cat, EVER!” That’s what I was going to say! Good for her. Is it bad that I was proud she made a threatening statement to him?  I feel it was appropriate. Now if she followed it with “I’ll kill you” then I’d have issue. George backed down and said he wouldn’t.
Right after Christmas, my parents, Penelope and I went on a mini vacation by renting a cabin at a nearby state park for a long weekend. Of course it snowed the day after Christmas and there was about 8 inches of snow on the ground the entire time we were there. Thursday night she Penelope couldn’t get the tablet to turn on. I tried everything. She said it had been glitch since Christmas. I said “We will let your Dad figure it out when we get back” since it was his purchase. Saturday night, Penelope was getting her MP3 player out of her bag and the tablet fell out onto the floor. The screen shattered. There was a 90 day warranty but.. not for that. She was so upset her Dad was going to be angry with her she cried and cried. She ended up sleeping in my bed with me. I told her he wasn’t going to be mad (or I’d kill him).  It was an accident. I do believe it was an accident. She has never been one to break things purposefully like some kids with RAD. She values her possessions too much.  He wasn’t mad but upset that he gave her a gift that didn’t work anyway and now she is left with no gift. Good for him. One appropriate reaction to a situation.