Self Esteem

I have a couple posts in draft that I need to finish but I needed to write this. So Penelope is going to start her  Freshman year of high school in less than 3 weeks. She has done absolutely nothing this summer so far to "make the best of it" and frankly she has been a lazy sack of potatoes. But she has been at my parents. To old for camp, not thatit was in the budget, but to young/untrustworthy for anything other than bring with my parents. But they don't do any more than feed her and occasionally interact with her which is her preference. Her ideal day is watching videos or listening to music through surgically attached headphones all day.
I bring this up because I can't imagine her self imposed isolation not contributing to her already low self esteem.
Last night was the third time she has "shared"with me her new interest in a fashion style she discovered online called "Cyber Goth." She has been touting her just-regular Goth interests for the last 2 years. And, in an attempt to allow her some rebellious fashion choices, I've bought her several tops that have skulls on them. But they have to be girl clothes. I put temporary blue dye in her hair for her 8th grade dance. I've done her nails up black, which I think is more mainstream now. But I drew the line on allowing her to get her hair died black. It just wouldn't look right on her naturally strawberry blond thick hair and fair freckled skin.
Harriet dies her hair black once in a while and it looks awful on her.
But last night is different than Penelope's usual requests for shock value. She really honestly wanted this. She is trying to reinvent herself for Freshman year it seems, obviously unhappy with herself. Not unusual.
I told her that I won't allow her to change her appeared to something unnatural and generally unaccepted as a means to push people away. That its a defense mechanism for someone who feels unaccepted to try to own that by being rejected for looking like someone their not versus having no control over being rejected for looking themselves. That they want to be rejected.
I'm not against rebelling against mainstream conformity but as long as it is done in a healthy way. This ain't it.
Oh, I must mention, since I haven't posted that part yet, that she has started messaging Harriet through Facebook. Or really its the other way around but with Penelope's approval...and mine, of course. Under heavy monitoring well. Penelope seems to be doing okay with it but I see the first crack.
In this proves of communication and "Facebook friendship," Penelope has had the opportunity to check out her mother's photos of herself. She has not aged gracefully. Who would in her shoes? She looks awful. The many years of heavy smoking, medication, past (?) drug use and alcohol have taken their toll. I suspect the life of living in poverty on a miniscule disability check doesn't help either. But this is the image Penelope sees. And she sees herself in Harriet, as she always has. This has really depressed her.
Last night after some huffy moments on her part and me calling her put on her attempts to start a fight with me, she declares she "is ugly." When she looks in the mirror she sees both her mom and her dad and she hats it. She doesn't want to look like them, and that's way she wants to cover up her natural beauty with costumey hair and makeup and clothes. She would be a freak at her little town high school.
With that said, I'm at a loss as to help her with this self image problem. I will lovingly say, she is in that ugly duckling stage. She has poor posture.She is overweight and carries it all in the belly. She finally started to take shows which is a huge blessing. But she has never, on her own, dried her hair with a dryer but prefers it back in a scrunchy. She is rather unkempt looking. She makes no effort to do anything with her appearance.
I tell her she is beautiful, because she is. But when you point out her attributes, she is just reminded of her mother, who she hates identifying with. I think there is something therapeutic in facing these issues but at the same time, her self esteem is already severely damages.