Still here

t,i don't know if i just got out of the practice of it or if it nolonger was therapudic for me or what. i know that it's harder for me to blog due to my mom always on her computer which is right next to mine. that makes it hard to do it with any privacy. i'm currently writing using my cell phone. it won't let me capitalize any letters - obviously. i'm sitting in the waiting room at attachment therapy while penelope gets neurofeedback. there is a ton of patients here today. there is a boy in the waiting room with his dad. the boy is obviously rad. he is purposefully trying to embarass his dad in front of me. i want to tell the dad "don't worry, i have one too." she was doing it 20 minutes ago in front of other people. not as bas has son, but then everyone is in different places in there healing and the roller coaster of coping abilities. penelope is actually on the up swing. there is also a girl, who sounds like she is in her teens, who keeps yelling loud enough we can hear her out here. from what the dad and son has said, i gather that it's the sister who is with the mom. i feel for these parents. i feel for these kids and what they are dealing with to cause them to be so hypervigilent and compelled to control their environment. but then i also wonder if i say something to the dad if he'd say "he doesn't have rad" i would feel bad. how would i know. i only know illness. consumed with it i feel. which might be why my twin brother is pissed at me right now. last week i heard from my dad that my nephew who turned 6 recently had pooped his pants. the boy has had potty problems, especially pooping problems way before they began potty training him and definitly before penelope sexually assaulted him. i'm not saying it isn't related because i know it could be. i was talking to my brother a couple days later and asked him how my nephew was doing. he sounded frusterated that i had heard. he said, "so you heard about the shower." i had not. he told me that they gave him a cold shower. that someone recommended it. they had to wash the poop off anyway but he did scream and cry. my heart broke. i didn't know what to say. something had to be said. but i'm the "mom" of the "sexual predator" as he puts it that hurt his son. i've made a point to not make parenting recommendations. which to be honest is hard because i've seen the value of not yelling, not punishing and parenting with love and logic. but i parent an ill child. she is my one and only and i have nothing to compare it to. plus i'm not her birth mother and viewed that way. i'm not sure i buy into the thought that you have to give birth to know how to parent. anyway i had to say something and i did. i had seen a dr. ph*l show where a mom on there gave her son cold showers whenever he got in trouble at school. a bunch of guest professionals were in the audience and between them and the outraged moms, she was properly chastized. i told him about the show. he said "so are you saying i was wrong?" i said "i didn't say that. i am just saying a bunch of psychologists said it was wrong." he tried to down play it by saying that my nephew is sensitive to hot water and complains his bath water is too hot. later that evening i found a link to the show and sent it to him. a few hours after that, i got a nasty gram via text saying that i have crossed the line and that they don't tell me how to parent penelope and sarcastically asked if there was any other way i feel there are any other way they have failed their kids. i gave it a couple days and responded that i was sorry and i think they are great parents and i love all of them very much. that was 4 days ago.