I haven't seen Penelope in 1 1/2 days. She went to spend the weekend with her Papaw. She is being good for Papaw. Good. I have been helping my Mom with some of her real estate stuff. Makes me feel like I'm contributing since I still don't have any clients. I need to really focus on a strategy to get clients. What I'm doing isn't working. But not today. Today I'm cleaning this house. Didn't have time yesterday with my Mom's deadlines for stuff. It's been nice not having to juggle Penelope and something else. Needed that break.
Feeling very unsure about things lately. I know some of it has to do with my lack of employment, but things are changing with Penelope. I am again on uncharted territory with her and lacking confidence in handling it. My analytical brain is telling me to plan. Prepare. Strategize. My lack of confidence and motivation is telling me to go back to bed and avoid it.
Penelope is doing this whole teenager thing now, but it's the kind that wants to be a bad*ss. I'm trying to remember what she said the other day but basically it was "I don't want to the do the right things because that's not cool. I want to be cool." Shortly later I found her hiding from me because she didn't want me to see the fact she had taken a marker to her hair to color it. She wanted the last couple inches of the hair that framed her face to be blue. She was "smart" enough to use washable marker because she didn't want to get into tooo much trouble. That's a start. I did require her to wash it out before bedtime. But it became a big argument - at least on her part. I didn't engage. I just didn't make not washing it an option. I said "It's good that you decided to use washable marker because I'd hate to have to take you to get your hair cut off tomorrow." That woke her up a bit. She said "Yeah, I'm glad I didn't. I have been working at growing my hair out." I said "Yep, and there was tough annoying times for you with it." But I told her not to use marker again on her hair or it will have to be cut in order to prevent it from happening again.
She also picked out her outfit for school for the first time in a very long time. Usually I have to pick it out because she just can't decide and put it together. It was a little wierd but I'm not going to start that with her. I know she is showing some normal teenager rebellion. But it anything "normal" with RAD kids? It's like twilight zone normal. She is starting to make friends though which is good. There are some bad apples at her school, just like any school, but we are in a nice community with very involved parents so most of the kids are your average well rounded kids. Penelope is the one that these parents should worry about. So the social aspect of her life is good but tends to bring opportunity for bad.
The other thing is that her therapy hasn't been very consistant lately. Her trauma therapist that does the EMDR is so sought after that I can barely get scheduled with her. We were doing weekly to almost weekly, than the holidays hit and then she was sick, then the weather. It had been a month since we had seen her. We go in and have our session, which was kind of a backtracking session, then we go to schedule and she isn't available until next month. I guess I feel frustrated because she is like the only person around that does this for RAD, but her clients are across the board. WE need her. I know that's being selfish but it's hard enough trying to find any help let alone help that is only part time RAD. You know, I consider mental health needs more important than academic needs. She can catch up academically. Maybe if I start trying to access her schedule that is before school is out, she will see how serious this is to us. I don't want to be wasting our time and money. They are $90 a pop. I don't feel once a month is affective help. It doesn't help that last week, after Penelope had a meltdown over me asking her to clean and trying to deal with her overall giving up attitude, we went to therapy an hour away and we didn't get a chance to have therapy with Penelope because she accidentally booked someone 30 minutes after our session was to start. We are suppose to get 1 1/2 hours. So we pushed off the planned discussion to this past week and she called and cancelled. I know things come up but it just is another reminder that we are in this alone. I am Penelope's Mom is 100% responsible for her mental health resources. I hate that feeling. I can't do it alone. I know that. It's hard enough with her support team.
I have to think and get on top of this. Not now though. I need to clean. Clean house helps with a clean head.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Finally going to write an update
I'm not sure why I have fought blogging for such a long time. My last real post about Penelope and I was right after the new year. After the holidays were over and was still whirling about that. Penelope has, I think over all, improved. But it's a new set of challenges.
One may be something I've created but I don't think so. I think it was the right decision. I have taken her off almost all her medication. She is still on an anti-depressant but I have had her taken off of her ADHD medication and her mood stabilizers. I may regret the mood stabilizers as she continues down the road of puberty. But I feel like the neurofeedback and attachment therapy has done wonderful things for her ability to be less hyper and more in control of her emotions. I can't say that about her impulse control, but I don't think any of her meds can help her with that.
We still have a lot of things going to work on, but when you break them down and look at the issues while she was medicated, they were there then as well. Her grades and effort in school was poor before, and still is. We are addressing that with tutoring and an after-school homework program. Her baby-talk has pretty much gone away since she went off the meds. Which is a plus! I don't think it's related but it HAS happened. Now she has adopted snotty back-talking teenager talk. She doesn't cuss. She does the eye rolling and "Whatever!" and anytime you talk to her it's like you are bothering her. She likes to stomp off and slam doors. She talks constantly. She has a "boyfriend" she says. This has brought up good and bad affects with her. She is starting to have friends at school. But her "happiness" is tied to this boy. She "loves" him and he loves her and they are going to be together forever!!!!! she says.
We have been working on her self-esteem. Even before the boyfriend. The boyfriend has artificially helped her esteem but it's also made her snotty. Snotty isn't the right word.. the B word is more proper. But I'm trying to be nice! I've been struggling with this new Penelope as I'm not sure how to approach her. I try some of my old methods and she tells me I'm treating her like a little kid. In the heat of the moment I struggle at coming up with an approach because my brain is pre-occupied with pictures of my hands around her throat! I stammer and have to take a break and try to think rationally to come up with a solution. By then I have to go find her and then speak. During what I have to say she constantly interrupts and says things like "I don't want to talk about it." "Go away! Leave me alone!" Okay, I'm venting now. I was saying... we have been working on her self-esteem. Shortly after the holidays, right after the end of 2nd quarter in school, Penelope went into a rut. She pretty much was giving up on herself. She stopped doing homework, stopped helping me at all, and just seemed super depressed. She have good happy moments, but only when she was being entertained and stimulated by someone else. If I talk about the cats and how funny they are, she perks up, but before that and not too long after, she was bored and depressed. She couldn't do anything. She can't do her homework, pick up her room, do anything you asked. You would talk to her about it and she start back on thoughts she had a few years ago. "I'm too stupid.." or "I'm not worthy of it." and that was it for me. So her AT suggested that she start doing affirmations. I had tried to get her to do that in a mirror but that was too difficult for her. So her AT suggested just saying it outloud - to herself. And that every night at bedtime we will go through her successes for the day. This helped a lot I believe. We had a hard time finding successes in the beginning but we started small. She made it to school on time, she brushed her hair, she helped me carry groceries in from the car. Then we built up to other things like she took a bath, she was nice to Grandma, she did a little bit of homework. But then when I started pushing on the homework and chores - she regressed and started being late to school again and bathtime is a pain. Chores is her line. Homework is up there but chores of any kind she acts like I'm a slave driver. Actually, she told me that last weekend when I told her that were were going to clean together that day. She told me that I was a slave driver and that I am always making her clean. To be completely honest and transparent on this subject - I haven't asked her to clean in weeks, focusing on the small stuff. So to a point I blame myself for allowing her to get out of this habit. It's just so HARD to get her to do it that sometimes I just skip her and do it myself to just get it done. The other problem is, I needed to get the place clean so that I could move on with my to-do list so I pushed. And pushed.. and she pushed back. I tried different techniques that have worked in the past - to no avail. Then I resorted to the traditional guilt method which of course didn't work either, only pissed her off. I even mentioned Soup Kitchen and that just set her off. I was so done and emotionally spent that I barely got anything done. And by that night she was talking about killing herself. Not because she hates herself or feels no way out, but so that everyone would feel bad for her and realize they should stop pushing her! Geesh.
Well, I took that nugget of news to therapy last week. She felt that was Penelope trying to manipulate me. I knew that. But what do I do with this kid? I mean, I'm trying to build up her self-esteem and praise her on the littlest things but then how do I get her to start contributing and doing what she needs to do? And her attitude! Oh my! She feels Penelope is being lazy and she may need to go on Soup Kitchen. I agree. Maybe I should have just pulled the trigger on that one. I told the AT how I've been trying to take the approach of Penelope needing to be part of the family and what family do for each other. And how I won't do something for her until she starts treating me like family. She liked that and said that she would talk to Penelope about being part of the family and if she refuses, she will be the bad guy and prescribe Soup Kitchen. Well, the appointment ended up getting cut short because of an overbooking of appointments so we will see. I may grow strength this week and just do it myself.
But even with all that, I still think she is improving. Oh, and to explain the lack of meds issue.. I just worry about her overall health. I also feel like they are a crutch for her and masking things she needs to work on now rather than later. I'm not against putting her back on something if necessary but I think we need to make sure she needs it. She is a different creature than she was before.
So, that's Penelope. The things that have been going on for me, that inevitably impact Penelope, is that I'm trying to start my own business. I spent hours creating a very cool website and ordered business cards. I would love to share it with you because I'm pretty proud of myself but then there goes that whole anonymity thing. I'll just say it's small business consulting. A woman I met at the cemetery is helping me start this business. She does contract bookkeeping services for several businesses. She is looking to retire and is planning on rolling her clients over to me. I have an accounting background but also want to market my HR related services as well. I became certified in the accounting software she uses .Anyway, I don't have any clients yet. I have been going over her house and practicing on the software by processing one of her clients for her. It helps me by learning and it helps her by doing it for her. She had major surgery recently and only has use of one hand so I helped her. Besides her clients, she is trying to help me find other clients via contacts she has. Her clients are only part time work. I need to get started soon because I need to start drawing income.
My house is STILL in my name. My house is part of that whole foreclosure freeze. The difference is - THEY CAN HAVE IT. We have moved but I still have to pay for heat there and it's expensive there. I keep the thermostat at 50 but it's still over $150/mo. I also STILL have some boxes there. I didn't really truely know how much stuff I had until this move. Most of what's left is just storage stuff. Stuff I can't let go of, memorabilia from high school and college time. But it's been hard to get the stuff driving Mr. Daisy (aka George) to all his doctor's appointments. Plus he always wants to run errands every time I take him to his appointments. It kills my day. But I do it for my parents - to help them out. It was starting to consume my days so my parents started trying to help me out but George is so good at pissing everyone off that I have tried taking it back over completely. My Dad has heart problems and my Mom takes it out on everyone when she gets bent out of shape. He pisses me off too but I give it back. So do they but I'm younger I guess? I probably put up with more than they do. I just do as is needed and that's it. I think it helps that I don't love him as my as our parents do. I'm sure I love him a little - he is my brother. But I wouldn't do have the stuff they do for him.
Last Tuesday was an interesting day in that I had a heart to heart with both my twin brother B and George. B was still not talking to me or at least made no effort to talk to me since the whole thing went down regarding giving his son a cold shower for pooping his pants. My mom was done with the cold war going on and intervened and scheduled me over B's house for Tuesday morning to hash it out face to face. We had an okay talk about the whole thing but I think it's still a little unresolved. He feels that I don't think he is a good Dad and don't trust him. I told him that was not the case. He said that it wasn't what I sent him in the video. They didn't give him a cold shower, but that they gave him a shower with his clothes on and because he doesn't like warm water they kept turning it down until it was cool. He didn't even tell me this until an hour into the conversation. He didn't want to tell me. Why? Because I should just trust him. That is why is was mad at me. I had asked him who recommended it to him and he told me that the person (he wouldn't tell me) had recommended it his wife to give him a shower in his clothes - that her son had the same problem at the same age and that fixed it. They don't like it. Well, this is different than what he had told me on the phone. I told him that. I said "Why didn't you correct me when I told you about the video?" He said "I didn't feel that I needed to explain myself." Really? I told him "It wasn't about explaining yourself, it was about clarifying what you said." I told him I do trust him but when someone says "I gave my son a cold shower" I'm going to base my thinking off that. He said "If you had told me that, you wouldn't have wanted me to say something to you, would you?" I said "YES. If I did something over the line I would want someone to say something. It's hard being a parent and I get that. I know that it can make people snap. We just have to be strong enough not to snap. I thought you were kidding at first and when you didn't say you were, I really became worried. Because you would be one of the last people I would think to intentionally hurt one of your children. But you didn't and I still don't understand why you didn't correct me." He said "I should have to." That is where we are not quite there. I don't get it. Anyway, it was a hard conversation. I told him that part of my need to say something has to do with Penelope and what happened to her. Here we are as her family and we didn't stop it. I mean we did eventually but not when she was little. When she first went into hospital, they wanted a social history on her and things that my parents said, I didn't know about. Things that I thought "How did we know that and not do anything??" It was hard to think that we could have done something sooner. When you live with a child who has been through so much pain and shows it to you every day, it changes you. Penelope had recently asked me, during a time she was mad at me and wanted her Dad, than realize the reality of it.. "Why didn't you save me sooner?"
So after that heart felt emotional time with B, I had to go pick up George to take him to his aquatic therapy. He got on me for being early because I should have known that he didn't need to be there extra early to change into swim trunks this time because he told me it was an assessment. I didn't know! Ever since he got his new girlfriend, he likes to put women down - including her. He calls her butterfly because he thinks she is flighty. So lately when I don't know something he has to tell me I don't know, or if I do, he has to prove he knows more. Whatever. I'm secure enough in myself to know I'm smarter than him. Period.
Anyway, he gets in the car and wants to know immediately what I think of his new girlfriend - who I've met once. I said "Um.. she's nice.... It's not her fault. haha." He said "It's not her fault? That she likes me?" I said "Yes, like you are just that magnetizing." He didn't get it so I dropped it. He said "Well, she likes you a lot." Ok.... He said "She wants the two of you to become friends, hang out or just talk on the phone - become friends." I said "That's not going to happen." He said "Why not?" I said "It's not her, she seems nice. It's about you and me. We don't get along. We "get along" as brother and sister but fundamentally we don't get along." That's as nice as I could say it. He got it. He said "So... because you hate my guts.. ha ha.. you can't be friends because you don't want her to have to get in the middle of it." I said "Pretty much. I don't know what you have told her about Penelope.." He said "I've told her. She knows she can't see Penelope because it will upset her that maybe you are being replaced or something." I said "True.. for now, but it's about you George. I'm talking about you. I don't want to be in a position where I'm suppose to bite my tongue or clarify things when she says lies and half-truths that you have told her about why you can't see Penelope. I don't want to put her in the position of having to learn it from me either. Her and I can't be friends." He didn't respond but he didn't like it. I said "And you can tell her whatever you want to tell her, but I don't recommended going about it the way you did with Marlene - having her think that Mom and I hated her or something." He claimed to never had said that. See Marlene was his first girlfriend after his second wife. Penelope and George were living with me. George was separated and was secretly still trying to reconcile but ran into an old girlfriend from jr. high. She had a daughter the same age as Penelope. Penelope was a freaking mess - having been beaten and screamed at on a regular basis and then kicked out and blamed for the separation by the step-mother. She didn't need to be around a new woman. George disagreed. George and Marlene's first date was Halloween and George ended up leaving Penelope overnight at Marlene's mother's house while no one could get a hold of either George are Marlene to see what happened to them. I had gotten a call that next morning from Penelope saying "Daddy forgot me" and not knowing where she was.. because she didn't know the people that were babysitting her. I was at my parents that night so I didn't know they never came home. I digress. BAD MEMORIES. When my Mom and I enforced that Penelope can't be around Marlene, Marlene broke up with George because he was a wimp letting his mother and sister do that. He never told her about the abuse. He didn't feel it was related. So I told George "Brittany (Marlene's daughter) doesn't want to be friends with Penelope because of what you did to her Mom." He didn't understand that saying that he had seen her recently and they were on good terms. I said "But Brittany was there and say her Mom upset. She isn't stupid." George than said "It is the general opinion people have, except for you." I said "What, letting a child around a new girlfriend?" He said "No, I mean that Mom and Dad try to control me." I said "Oh really? Did you forget to tell them that Mom and Dad have had to bail you out left and right your entire life, financially, legally? That you go to them for advice and ask permission, which you typically don't follow anyway which ends you in these financial and legal pitfalls that you need being saved from??" "He said "I don't tell anyone anything." I said "Oh, so they just figured it out on there own. When is the last time one of your friends have been around Mom or Dad? Never, so the only way they could have gotten that information is if you said it." He said "They think they are controlling because I live in their house." An investment house they wanted to sell... I said "And where would you be living if you weren't living in that house?" He thought about it and said "Probably some crappy one bedroom apartment." I said "Exactly. Poooooor Baaaaby." He lived with me before he moved into that house. I was ready to go jump off a bridge I was so miserable with him living there.. Constantly yelling at me, constantly threatening to take Penelope back to his ex-wife's who abused her, constantly yelling at Penelope, trying to put a wedge between her and I - and I still didn't know if (not that I know for sure now) he was sexually abusing her or not. My parents were gracious enough to offer for him to live in this 3 bedroom newly remodeled house at cost. At cost was before remodeling. Poor Baby. Okay.. now I'm venting again.
There are good things. My mom and I are getting along better than ever. My dad and I are getting along better than ever. And I see a light at the end of the tunnel with this new business.
One may be something I've created but I don't think so. I think it was the right decision. I have taken her off almost all her medication. She is still on an anti-depressant but I have had her taken off of her ADHD medication and her mood stabilizers. I may regret the mood stabilizers as she continues down the road of puberty. But I feel like the neurofeedback and attachment therapy has done wonderful things for her ability to be less hyper and more in control of her emotions. I can't say that about her impulse control, but I don't think any of her meds can help her with that.
We still have a lot of things going to work on, but when you break them down and look at the issues while she was medicated, they were there then as well. Her grades and effort in school was poor before, and still is. We are addressing that with tutoring and an after-school homework program. Her baby-talk has pretty much gone away since she went off the meds. Which is a plus! I don't think it's related but it HAS happened. Now she has adopted snotty back-talking teenager talk. She doesn't cuss. She does the eye rolling and "Whatever!" and anytime you talk to her it's like you are bothering her. She likes to stomp off and slam doors. She talks constantly. She has a "boyfriend" she says. This has brought up good and bad affects with her. She is starting to have friends at school. But her "happiness" is tied to this boy. She "loves" him and he loves her and they are going to be together forever!!!!! she says.
We have been working on her self-esteem. Even before the boyfriend. The boyfriend has artificially helped her esteem but it's also made her snotty. Snotty isn't the right word.. the B word is more proper. But I'm trying to be nice! I've been struggling with this new Penelope as I'm not sure how to approach her. I try some of my old methods and she tells me I'm treating her like a little kid. In the heat of the moment I struggle at coming up with an approach because my brain is pre-occupied with pictures of my hands around her throat! I stammer and have to take a break and try to think rationally to come up with a solution. By then I have to go find her and then speak. During what I have to say she constantly interrupts and says things like "I don't want to talk about it." "Go away! Leave me alone!" Okay, I'm venting now. I was saying... we have been working on her self-esteem. Shortly after the holidays, right after the end of 2nd quarter in school, Penelope went into a rut. She pretty much was giving up on herself. She stopped doing homework, stopped helping me at all, and just seemed super depressed. She have good happy moments, but only when she was being entertained and stimulated by someone else. If I talk about the cats and how funny they are, she perks up, but before that and not too long after, she was bored and depressed. She couldn't do anything. She can't do her homework, pick up her room, do anything you asked. You would talk to her about it and she start back on thoughts she had a few years ago. "I'm too stupid.." or "I'm not worthy of it." and that was it for me. So her AT suggested that she start doing affirmations. I had tried to get her to do that in a mirror but that was too difficult for her. So her AT suggested just saying it outloud - to herself. And that every night at bedtime we will go through her successes for the day. This helped a lot I believe. We had a hard time finding successes in the beginning but we started small. She made it to school on time, she brushed her hair, she helped me carry groceries in from the car. Then we built up to other things like she took a bath, she was nice to Grandma, she did a little bit of homework. But then when I started pushing on the homework and chores - she regressed and started being late to school again and bathtime is a pain. Chores is her line. Homework is up there but chores of any kind she acts like I'm a slave driver. Actually, she told me that last weekend when I told her that were were going to clean together that day. She told me that I was a slave driver and that I am always making her clean. To be completely honest and transparent on this subject - I haven't asked her to clean in weeks, focusing on the small stuff. So to a point I blame myself for allowing her to get out of this habit. It's just so HARD to get her to do it that sometimes I just skip her and do it myself to just get it done. The other problem is, I needed to get the place clean so that I could move on with my to-do list so I pushed. And pushed.. and she pushed back. I tried different techniques that have worked in the past - to no avail. Then I resorted to the traditional guilt method which of course didn't work either, only pissed her off. I even mentioned Soup Kitchen and that just set her off. I was so done and emotionally spent that I barely got anything done. And by that night she was talking about killing herself. Not because she hates herself or feels no way out, but so that everyone would feel bad for her and realize they should stop pushing her! Geesh.
Well, I took that nugget of news to therapy last week. She felt that was Penelope trying to manipulate me. I knew that. But what do I do with this kid? I mean, I'm trying to build up her self-esteem and praise her on the littlest things but then how do I get her to start contributing and doing what she needs to do? And her attitude! Oh my! She feels Penelope is being lazy and she may need to go on Soup Kitchen. I agree. Maybe I should have just pulled the trigger on that one. I told the AT how I've been trying to take the approach of Penelope needing to be part of the family and what family do for each other. And how I won't do something for her until she starts treating me like family. She liked that and said that she would talk to Penelope about being part of the family and if she refuses, she will be the bad guy and prescribe Soup Kitchen. Well, the appointment ended up getting cut short because of an overbooking of appointments so we will see. I may grow strength this week and just do it myself.
But even with all that, I still think she is improving. Oh, and to explain the lack of meds issue.. I just worry about her overall health. I also feel like they are a crutch for her and masking things she needs to work on now rather than later. I'm not against putting her back on something if necessary but I think we need to make sure she needs it. She is a different creature than she was before.
So, that's Penelope. The things that have been going on for me, that inevitably impact Penelope, is that I'm trying to start my own business. I spent hours creating a very cool website and ordered business cards. I would love to share it with you because I'm pretty proud of myself but then there goes that whole anonymity thing. I'll just say it's small business consulting. A woman I met at the cemetery is helping me start this business. She does contract bookkeeping services for several businesses. She is looking to retire and is planning on rolling her clients over to me. I have an accounting background but also want to market my HR related services as well. I became certified in the accounting software she uses .Anyway, I don't have any clients yet. I have been going over her house and practicing on the software by processing one of her clients for her. It helps me by learning and it helps her by doing it for her. She had major surgery recently and only has use of one hand so I helped her. Besides her clients, she is trying to help me find other clients via contacts she has. Her clients are only part time work. I need to get started soon because I need to start drawing income.
My house is STILL in my name. My house is part of that whole foreclosure freeze. The difference is - THEY CAN HAVE IT. We have moved but I still have to pay for heat there and it's expensive there. I keep the thermostat at 50 but it's still over $150/mo. I also STILL have some boxes there. I didn't really truely know how much stuff I had until this move. Most of what's left is just storage stuff. Stuff I can't let go of, memorabilia from high school and college time. But it's been hard to get the stuff driving Mr. Daisy (aka George) to all his doctor's appointments. Plus he always wants to run errands every time I take him to his appointments. It kills my day. But I do it for my parents - to help them out. It was starting to consume my days so my parents started trying to help me out but George is so good at pissing everyone off that I have tried taking it back over completely. My Dad has heart problems and my Mom takes it out on everyone when she gets bent out of shape. He pisses me off too but I give it back. So do they but I'm younger I guess? I probably put up with more than they do. I just do as is needed and that's it. I think it helps that I don't love him as my as our parents do. I'm sure I love him a little - he is my brother. But I wouldn't do have the stuff they do for him.
Last Tuesday was an interesting day in that I had a heart to heart with both my twin brother B and George. B was still not talking to me or at least made no effort to talk to me since the whole thing went down regarding giving his son a cold shower for pooping his pants. My mom was done with the cold war going on and intervened and scheduled me over B's house for Tuesday morning to hash it out face to face. We had an okay talk about the whole thing but I think it's still a little unresolved. He feels that I don't think he is a good Dad and don't trust him. I told him that was not the case. He said that it wasn't what I sent him in the video. They didn't give him a cold shower, but that they gave him a shower with his clothes on and because he doesn't like warm water they kept turning it down until it was cool. He didn't even tell me this until an hour into the conversation. He didn't want to tell me. Why? Because I should just trust him. That is why is was mad at me. I had asked him who recommended it to him and he told me that the person (he wouldn't tell me) had recommended it his wife to give him a shower in his clothes - that her son had the same problem at the same age and that fixed it. They don't like it. Well, this is different than what he had told me on the phone. I told him that. I said "Why didn't you correct me when I told you about the video?" He said "I didn't feel that I needed to explain myself." Really? I told him "It wasn't about explaining yourself, it was about clarifying what you said." I told him I do trust him but when someone says "I gave my son a cold shower" I'm going to base my thinking off that. He said "If you had told me that, you wouldn't have wanted me to say something to you, would you?" I said "YES. If I did something over the line I would want someone to say something. It's hard being a parent and I get that. I know that it can make people snap. We just have to be strong enough not to snap. I thought you were kidding at first and when you didn't say you were, I really became worried. Because you would be one of the last people I would think to intentionally hurt one of your children. But you didn't and I still don't understand why you didn't correct me." He said "I should have to." That is where we are not quite there. I don't get it. Anyway, it was a hard conversation. I told him that part of my need to say something has to do with Penelope and what happened to her. Here we are as her family and we didn't stop it. I mean we did eventually but not when she was little. When she first went into hospital, they wanted a social history on her and things that my parents said, I didn't know about. Things that I thought "How did we know that and not do anything??" It was hard to think that we could have done something sooner. When you live with a child who has been through so much pain and shows it to you every day, it changes you. Penelope had recently asked me, during a time she was mad at me and wanted her Dad, than realize the reality of it.. "Why didn't you save me sooner?"
So after that heart felt emotional time with B, I had to go pick up George to take him to his aquatic therapy. He got on me for being early because I should have known that he didn't need to be there extra early to change into swim trunks this time because he told me it was an assessment. I didn't know! Ever since he got his new girlfriend, he likes to put women down - including her. He calls her butterfly because he thinks she is flighty. So lately when I don't know something he has to tell me I don't know, or if I do, he has to prove he knows more. Whatever. I'm secure enough in myself to know I'm smarter than him. Period.
Anyway, he gets in the car and wants to know immediately what I think of his new girlfriend - who I've met once. I said "Um.. she's nice.... It's not her fault. haha." He said "It's not her fault? That she likes me?" I said "Yes, like you are just that magnetizing." He didn't get it so I dropped it. He said "Well, she likes you a lot." Ok.... He said "She wants the two of you to become friends, hang out or just talk on the phone - become friends." I said "That's not going to happen." He said "Why not?" I said "It's not her, she seems nice. It's about you and me. We don't get along. We "get along" as brother and sister but fundamentally we don't get along." That's as nice as I could say it. He got it. He said "So... because you hate my guts.. ha ha.. you can't be friends because you don't want her to have to get in the middle of it." I said "Pretty much. I don't know what you have told her about Penelope.." He said "I've told her. She knows she can't see Penelope because it will upset her that maybe you are being replaced or something." I said "True.. for now, but it's about you George. I'm talking about you. I don't want to be in a position where I'm suppose to bite my tongue or clarify things when she says lies and half-truths that you have told her about why you can't see Penelope. I don't want to put her in the position of having to learn it from me either. Her and I can't be friends." He didn't respond but he didn't like it. I said "And you can tell her whatever you want to tell her, but I don't recommended going about it the way you did with Marlene - having her think that Mom and I hated her or something." He claimed to never had said that. See Marlene was his first girlfriend after his second wife. Penelope and George were living with me. George was separated and was secretly still trying to reconcile but ran into an old girlfriend from jr. high. She had a daughter the same age as Penelope. Penelope was a freaking mess - having been beaten and screamed at on a regular basis and then kicked out and blamed for the separation by the step-mother. She didn't need to be around a new woman. George disagreed. George and Marlene's first date was Halloween and George ended up leaving Penelope overnight at Marlene's mother's house while no one could get a hold of either George are Marlene to see what happened to them. I had gotten a call that next morning from Penelope saying "Daddy forgot me" and not knowing where she was.. because she didn't know the people that were babysitting her. I was at my parents that night so I didn't know they never came home. I digress. BAD MEMORIES. When my Mom and I enforced that Penelope can't be around Marlene, Marlene broke up with George because he was a wimp letting his mother and sister do that. He never told her about the abuse. He didn't feel it was related. So I told George "Brittany (Marlene's daughter) doesn't want to be friends with Penelope because of what you did to her Mom." He didn't understand that saying that he had seen her recently and they were on good terms. I said "But Brittany was there and say her Mom upset. She isn't stupid." George than said "It is the general opinion people have, except for you." I said "What, letting a child around a new girlfriend?" He said "No, I mean that Mom and Dad try to control me." I said "Oh really? Did you forget to tell them that Mom and Dad have had to bail you out left and right your entire life, financially, legally? That you go to them for advice and ask permission, which you typically don't follow anyway which ends you in these financial and legal pitfalls that you need being saved from??" "He said "I don't tell anyone anything." I said "Oh, so they just figured it out on there own. When is the last time one of your friends have been around Mom or Dad? Never, so the only way they could have gotten that information is if you said it." He said "They think they are controlling because I live in their house." An investment house they wanted to sell... I said "And where would you be living if you weren't living in that house?" He thought about it and said "Probably some crappy one bedroom apartment." I said "Exactly. Poooooor Baaaaby." He lived with me before he moved into that house. I was ready to go jump off a bridge I was so miserable with him living there.. Constantly yelling at me, constantly threatening to take Penelope back to his ex-wife's who abused her, constantly yelling at Penelope, trying to put a wedge between her and I - and I still didn't know if (not that I know for sure now) he was sexually abusing her or not. My parents were gracious enough to offer for him to live in this 3 bedroom newly remodeled house at cost. At cost was before remodeling. Poor Baby. Okay.. now I'm venting again.
There are good things. My mom and I are getting along better than ever. My dad and I are getting along better than ever. And I see a light at the end of the tunnel with this new business.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Still here
t,i don't know if i just got out of the practice of it or if it nolonger was therapudic for me or what. i know that it's harder for me to blog due to my mom always on her computer which is right next to mine. that makes it hard to do it with any privacy. i'm currently writing using my cell phone. it won't let me capitalize any letters - obviously. i'm sitting in the waiting room at attachment therapy while penelope gets neurofeedback. there is a ton of patients here today. there is a boy in the waiting room with his dad. the boy is obviously rad. he is purposefully trying to embarass his dad in front of me. i want to tell the dad "don't worry, i have one too." she was doing it 20 minutes ago in front of other people. not as bas has son, but then everyone is in different places in there healing and the roller coaster of coping abilities. penelope is actually on the up swing. there is also a girl, who sounds like she is in her teens, who keeps yelling loud enough we can hear her out here. from what the dad and son has said, i gather that it's the sister who is with the mom. i feel for these parents. i feel for these kids and what they are dealing with to cause them to be so hypervigilent and compelled to control their environment. but then i also wonder if i say something to the dad if he'd say "he doesn't have rad" i would feel bad. how would i know. i only know illness. consumed with it i feel. which might be why my twin brother is pissed at me right now. last week i heard from my dad that my nephew who turned 6 recently had pooped his pants. the boy has had potty problems, especially pooping problems way before they began potty training him and definitly before penelope sexually assaulted him. i'm not saying it isn't related because i know it could be. i was talking to my brother a couple days later and asked him how my nephew was doing. he sounded frusterated that i had heard. he said, "so you heard about the shower." i had not. he told me that they gave him a cold shower. that someone recommended it. they had to wash the poop off anyway but he did scream and cry. my heart broke. i didn't know what to say. something had to be said. but i'm the "mom" of the "sexual predator" as he puts it that hurt his son. i've made a point to not make parenting recommendations. which to be honest is hard because i've seen the value of not yelling, not punishing and parenting with love and logic. but i parent an ill child. she is my one and only and i have nothing to compare it to. plus i'm not her birth mother and viewed that way. i'm not sure i buy into the thought that you have to give birth to know how to parent. anyway i had to say something and i did. i had seen a dr. ph*l show where a mom on there gave her son cold showers whenever he got in trouble at school. a bunch of guest professionals were in the audience and between them and the outraged moms, she was properly chastized. i told him about the show. he said "so are you saying i was wrong?" i said "i didn't say that. i am just saying a bunch of psychologists said it was wrong." he tried to down play it by saying that my nephew is sensitive to hot water and complains his bath water is too hot. later that evening i found a link to the show and sent it to him. a few hours after that, i got a nasty gram via text saying that i have crossed the line and that they don't tell me how to parent penelope and sarcastically asked if there was any other way i feel there are any other way they have failed their kids. i gave it a couple days and responded that i was sorry and i think they are great parents and i love all of them very much. that was 4 days ago.
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