EMDR

I've looked into EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. I don't really understand how it is effective but everything I've read including other mom's blogs who have tired EMDR with their child who has RAD, PTSD and other things, say how effective it is. Penelope has been having neurofeedback therapy for over 1 1/2 years and I consider this to be in the same catagory of alternative therapies and that has been working wonders for her.

So I went ahead and researched the local therapists who offer EMDR and are properly licensed and all that. There isn't that many that I could find and of all of them, only one was covered by Penelope's health insurance. So I put in a call and left a message detailing her diagnosis and our interest in EMDR. Yesterday I got a call from the therapist explaining that there is only one person who works with attachment issues and EMDR in the area. It's in KY. Great. It just seems like the big city of Cincinnati has nothing to offer kids with RAD. So she referred me to her. I called her and left a message. I didn't come across her name in my research and I was out on appointments so I hadn't had the chance of checking on the insurance coverage. She called me back before I got back in the office.

We had a good conversation about EMDR and the complication of RAD to therapy in general. Definitly got the impression I was talking to someone who understood and knows RAD. The downside is that she doesn't take insurance. But she would be covered by most out of network coverages. I asked about Medicaid, since we are still in that line. She said she doesn't know how that would apply. But her fee is $90 a session. That's reasonable in the grand scheme of things but that's $360/mo! I started to get kinda emotional, voice shaking. I hate HATE when my personal weaknesses interfere with the ability for Penelope to get the help that she needs. That the possibility there is help out there that could lessen her suffering but she can't have access to it because of me. I told her I'd have to call her back so I can see if we can find the money to do it. If we can't... we can't. I told her the I'm trying to come out of a financial slump and she understood our situation. She used to offer sliding scale fees but she is already over her cap on those type of accounts.

I called the insurance company. There is a 70% co-insurance once the deductible is met. There is $750 left on the annual deductible. I researched Medicaid. Did you know it's an HMO? I didn't know that. So, no out of network benefit. But, no premiums or co-pays or anything like that. So I called my Dad who.. God love him, said "Do it. She needs it. We will figure it out."

So I have the initial appointment set for the first week of June for her and I to go over all of Penelope's history and treatments. Then we will set Penelope up for weekly EMDR therapy. She will be out of school by then. I feel encouraged. I'm just so glad we can do it.

Horray Day

As you may have read already, we have decided not to celebrate Mother's Day in our house. We acknowledge it, but no gifts, no cards - just spending the time in a meaningful way together. It's too much pressure for Penelope.
She tried to use the day for purposes of splitting saying "My Mommy won't let me buy her a gift for Mother's Day." I exposed her little sham. She just gushed about it like "Yeah, I tried to be tricky like that." But she said "I did make you a gift but it's not for Mother's Day." I said "Oh really?? What is it for?"
She went and got this clay head she made in Art Class at school. It was my gift. It is suppose to be Bella from the Twilight Series. Except she has purple hair and green eyes and vampire fangs. It's a wonderful paperweight as it's super heavy.
She said "It's for what I call Hooray Day." I said "What's Hooray Day?" She said "The day that I came home to live with you permanently." I had to think about it, and she is right! Now, it's not Mother's Day and she didn't do it today, but on the 5th. I don't really have a way to figure out exactly when but she is within a few day I believe. And it's not the day I gained legal guardianship, or the day I moved her in. It's the day she came back to me after her father took her to live with him and his 2nd wife, who abused Penelope too. It's the day her step-mother kicked her and her father out of the house blaming Penelope as the cause. It's the day I told her father, "Never again. She stays with me from now on. I don't care if you re-marry again, she is staying with me from now on."
But I love LOVE that name. "Hooray Day!" We will celebrate it every year! I told her. "It will be easy to remember! It's Cinco de Mayo. So when you are 21 we will go have a margarita to celebrate!" She just gave me this look with her hands on her hips "Uhhhh I don't think so! I don't drink alcohol Mom." I said "Well, not now but when you are old enough." She said "I don't think I will then either. Alcohol is a drug and I don't do drugs." I laughed and gave her a hug and told her I was proud of her.
Another prideful thing to mention is that she did end up run/walking the Girls on the Run 5K on Saturday morning. Her Papaw, my 68 year old father who already had his quadrupedal bi-pass surgery a few years back, agreed to do it with her to give her the strength to make it through. And she finished! 45 minutes. I had to work, but she called me. "Mom, I did it! I did it! It was great! I got a medal when I crossed the finish line!" Very proud. And thank GOD for Papaw. Papaw did his first 5K with a bunch of 11/12 year old girls. He said there were lots of families in the 5K as we were mildly concerned he was going to be the only guy in the 5K. I can't wait for the pictures. Too bad they ran out of the pink GOTR 5K t-shirts before he got his. =D

Request for advice

I started a different post yesterday, trying to catch up on the day by day roller coaster we've been on with Penelope lately. But things have taken a turn for the worse. Penelope is currently in attachment therapy with her Papaw. I'm currently sitting at work and am completely pre-occupied with what is going on with her. There is too much sh*t going on in both our lives and I'm trying to get my head around it all.

I haven't really spoken about it much on here because I gave the counselor my blog address in order for her to get Penelope's history and a better understanding of what we have been doing over the recent 1 1/2 years. So I didn't want to say anything negative on here, but just keep it between us. When Penelope abused her cousins, it was very apparent, regardless of what CPS or the police would want, that Penelope needed additional services. We had discussed it with her therapists and they agreed. When CPS came out and evaluated our situation to ensure Penelope was safe and being cared for to their standards, we met those requirements. But I asked for a referral. Who could help Penelope with her own abuse so she isn't compelled or whatever the right term is, to do this or anything like this again? The police wanted Penelope to get extra help too but they had their own agenda we have recently found out. We were referred to a place that does evaluation to determine services needed and then they find places to refer you to. Then I got a call out of the blue from this place, I'll call the Purple Place.

I met with the Program Supervisor who came to my house and met Penelope and I. She talked about having in-home intensive therapy up to 3 times a week. This person would work with Penelope in the home and work with both of us to help me help Penelope. She would also go and observe Penelope at school. And then if I was interested, a Trauma Therapist. I liked it all. I was concerned because of the fact they do not do attachment therapy but she said almost all of their patients have RAD. Okay, well than this is where we need to be I think. A new frontier in Penelope's healing. She tells me who she is thinking of assigning to us and says that she is her best home-based counselor.

The problem is, the counselor that she assigned doesn't seem to get it. I told her from the beginning about dependability being essential for trust. If she says she is going to be at the school to observe Penelope at 1pm, then she better be at the school at 1pm. The counselor's first visit to the school, she was late and I had gotten a report from the teacher about Penelope's inability to focus and participate because she was watching for her new counselor. I told her what I've learned to do is, whenever possible, just don't tell her and just show up. Then there is no expectation set so if she is on time then great, if she is late, not a problem. But when you say "I'm going to do this" you better do it. She said she understood and was used to that with her other kids. But she is usually late to our house too, either traffic or her prior appointment. Always sorry. Always apologizing. She has been late picking up Penelope for her truama therapy from school. She forgot she promised Penelope she was going to get her cookies as a treat the next time she came, one time. But when she called to let us know she was late, Penelope said "Did you bring the cookies?" to which she responded to me, "Oh shoot I forgot. I'll stop and get them right now." But I covered for her with Penelope. But "I forgot" is a common phrase too. "I forgot." "I'm sorry." And it's not just Penelope, she does it to me as well. She forgot my Medicaid application, she forgot to have me sign some forms that we had to date retroactively for her purposes. I don't care about the forms, but I do need Penelope's Medicaid. But that's not happening either. I tell her I haven't heard anything and it's "You'll get something in the mail." I was told she knew people and has helped people get this done in the past. Her boss should go in sales. Maybe that is her position and I read into it as a mental health professional. Anyway, I spoke to her about our concerns, and the schools about Penelope's ability to function, fears about her cracking and ending up back in the hospital and just Penelope's overall decline. Her answer was to observe her in the classroom last Friday and call me afterward. No call. I was told by the school she came at the end of the day after class was over. That would explain why there was nothing to report. A couple weeks prior I had a conversation with her about how when Penelope was physically mature enough I am going to have her put on birth control. Even though I told her that her ATs and her Psychiatrist all agree that is an excellent idea, she felt that is overboard. That her sister wants to put her niece on birth control and you have to let your children make those decisions without that umbrella. The reason I bring that up is I feel it speaks to her approach to Penelope's issues. This is Penelope, who has been abused a good portion of her life, became sexualized at a very early age and has 4 counts of rape against her at the age of12. This is not a regular turn-of-th-mill child. So, during this conversation about Penelope's decline, I find out that last week Penelope was trying her hand at manipulation and splitting and told this counselor "My mommy won't let me buy her a mother's day present. We aren't going to celebrate mother's day." Not how the conversation went down with Penelope but even after my explanation that we were going to just spend the day together but not celebrate it - keep it low key, she felt that wasn't fair to Penelope and a cause to her decline. That she should be able to celebrate mother's day for me. Like I'm not acknowledging our relationship as mother/daughter. I reminded her of what happened last year - Penelope drawing her stabbing me to death with a dagger multiple times with an evil grin on her face. I also explained the hardships of the years before as well. It's common knowledge in the RAD world that Mother's Day is a day that is very hard for these children. A day to celebrate a woman that has hurt or abandoned them, or someone they have mixed feelings about. A person that they thought was perfect and have since been disenchanted with. A person that every one else in the world has except them. (At least that is how they feel sometimes.) A day that brings out strong emotions they struggle coping with. And us Mothers do what we can to help them and us survive these days without permenant scars.

Over the next few days this conversation rubbed me wrong. I felt like it needed to be addressed because Penelope needed to see the counselor and I on the same page about the issue and we needed to address any possible feelings she may have like I didn't want to acknowledge her as my daughter. Which I already know is not the issue. People, she is splitting! So when Wednesday came around, our regular scheduled home visit she was a no show. She was suppose to be there at 6:30 but after 7pm I called her. Usually by now she has called to let me know she is running late again. She answered it like I woke her or something. Then it dawned on her that we had an appointment. She said she went home sick so she's at home and forgot. It was hot today and she got overheated and went home. She forgot to call us and she was sorry. I didn't know what to say. It had been a horrible day with Penelope and once again, it's "I forgot, I'm sorry." I really don't know what I was expecting anyway. I hadn't yet seen her value. It's just the disappointment of an empty promise. Promise of additional support in the home. Whenever I talk to her, it's always "Plan to go see Penelope at school today/tomorrow.." but what about here? What about home stuff? I had brought up a couple weeks ago more frequent home visits because things were getting worse but I got a "umm..hmmm." It's easier for her to see Penelope at school because she can drop in when it fits her schedule and I'm only home in the evenings.

So all these thoughts come down on me with this, and I needed to accept that this is just who this counselor is and what she brings to the table. It's not what I'm looking for for Penelope and I. It's hurting not helping. I became emotional and just said "I can't do this anymore..... " and hung up. My dad was there and he felt that this was the final straw. I was feeling the same way. But I don't like to make decisions when I'm emotional. I don't think straight. Shortly later she sent a text saying that she would start coming every Wednesday instead of every other Wednesday. Then later she left a message saying she was planning on going to see Penelope at school and to call to discuss what was going on. I had told her that it had been an extremely difficult day. But after talking to my dad about it and put some thought into it, around 10:30pm I sent her a polite email terminating her services. I asked her to mail me the copy and receipt of the Medicaid application so we can continue to follow up with it - she had told me she always gets a reciept. I also told her I would follow up with the trauma therapist about finding a better appointment time now that Girls on the Run is over and Penelope isn't particpating anymore. I had asked her on Friday to talk to the therapist about a better time and I hadn't heard back on that issue yet either.

She left a message around 10am the next day saying she was planning on seeing Penelope at school around noon. I left for an early lunch hour to run some errands and to call her supervisor so I could get a new counselor for Penelope when I found the message. I called her right away and ended up leaving her a message stating that she must not have received my email and that I had made the decision to discontinue services with her and that I'd prefer she'd not go to school and I wished her luck. I hadn't talked to her supervisor yet but after my lunch break I got ANOTHER call from the counselor. She was disappointed in how I felt and that it can't be worked out but informed me that if I terminated her services, Penelope can't continue with the trauma therapist either. That wasn't my intention as I wanted someone else - someone that is a better fit, who is actually supportive anyway, but to not be able to continue therapy? What the heck!

So I called the supervisor and requested an immediate call as soon as possible. She called about an hour later but had obviously already talked to the counselor. The supervisor defended everything that the counselor did - except the lateness. She said she'd talk to her about the lateness. But it's the whole thing that is the problem. The lackadaisical approach and the message it sends. Like Penelope is just some regular kid and I'm just some whacked out helicopter mom. Like when Penelope went into a rage fit in her room barricading herself in the closet banging her head and fists on the way but she continued to talk about court stuff in the living room ignoring her fit. Then when Penelope comes out full of piss and vinegar, it is time for the counselor to leave. She talks to Penelope for like two minutes and leaves. Where is the support in that situation? She said "We believe in focusing on their strengths not their weaknesses. We take the strength-based approach." I'm like, "So, what? You ignore the weaknesses? So when she is struggling, you just act like the problems aren't there?" Well, I can see you are struggling, but hey, at least you didn't off yourself. Thanks for being strong enough not to do that today. Seriously! She says "That's when she goes and observes Penelope in the school." So I talked about that. How I've told the counselor that Penelope has been on a spiral decline and there are serious concerns by her teachers and myself that she is going to end up in the hospital and all she comes up with is she will observe her in the classroom so she can see for herself and call me to let me know how it goes - which she didn't. But that the counselor had said that she hadn't been observing Penelope, just pulling her out so this time she will observe her. But even with that, what is she suppose to do with that information? Because she hasn't done anything. She didn't say anything. I said "What would you do if you went to school and saw Penelope not able to focus enough to read, or to write on her paper, or be present? What would you do." She said "Well, I'd take her out of the class and ask her what is going on?" I said "Then what do you do with that information?" She said "I...would...talk... to.. her about it." Like I'm crazy to think there is anything more to do. Hmm.. maybe investigate it a little more with the teachers and the parent and see how long a situation has been going on, if it hadn't already been reported. Maybe do some problem solving and figure out some ways to help her cope with whatever is going on. Maybe educate Penelope on what to do when she is emotionally shutting down and withdrawing. Maybe educate the teachers on what can be done. You know, in a 5-10 min. conversation over the phone at a later time or something. Problem Solving. Progress. Support. HELP! I mean seriously I didn't sign up for this to give people something to do.
I talked about how it doesn't seem she takes anyone's opinion into consideration and if she does, she takes the opposite stance. She treats Penelope's situation like she is a regular kid with regular problems. I talked about the conversation about birth control and how she compared Penelope to her niece. She said "You have to treat them regular or they feed into it and they get worse." I said "You sound just like her Uncle before he left her alone with his 3 and 5 year old." These kids do not have the same instinctual boundaries that normal kids have.

I just feel like it's another example of a mental health system that is failing these children! But I don't know what to do to help her. Do I look for something similar and just "learn from my mistakes" with these people or is there something out there that truly understands the nature of reactive attachment disorder but can focus on helping her with her abuse? I am lost.