Snowed in..

A lot has happened since the last post. Nothing major, just stuff that would happen over a span of a couple of weeks. I typically post more often than this because I find it therapeutic for me and I value comments that people leave. One of my last posts was commented on and that person's comment really had been doing a lot of thinking. My initial reaction was that I took the comment very personal and I became angry and defensive. It was in regards to having Penelope put in a residential care facility. My analytical side of me understood where this person was coming from, but my heart could not and will not accept that as an option. First, it can't really be an option with how Penelope's mother views treatment. But I also refuse to let my problems become Penelope's problems - the best that I can. I have always said that to myself. She has always had to cater to other people's needs and it's not something I will allow. I was viciously defend her in that regard. Her abusing her cousins has really tested that conviction more than any other time in our journey.
Then my thoughts took me to the fact that, just like most people, this person is just wanted to help and is saying the same thing she has told her clients in similar situations. She is also saying it based on all that I have posted on here about how I feel and how I'm functioning. That made me think about all that I have said. It's so very bleak and all very true. It is how I feel. But sometimes we just need to be given the time to process all of this and cry the good cry until it's all gone and we then can crawl out of our hole and move on. I am never going to be someone who is completely "sane" as she put it. It's not part of who I am. She'd be in residential care forever - waiting for me to get my shit together. But it sounds like a great fix to our problem but maybe I'm one of those people who likes to do everything the hard way and make myself miserable.
Anyway, I'm filling in what has transpired from the last post. I will start with Penelope. I think things are getting better for her. It actually got worse first but I'm starting to see improvement. It has snowed a lot, A LOT here. Record amounts of snow. So, with that, no respite. Before I think I was just living for the respite care. "If I can just get us through until..." The prospect of a new job with this interview also had my ability to deal with Penelope better. Thank goodness, because she'd win an Oscar for her portrayal of a 6 year old in a 12 year old's body by that next week. Monday she had school, at which time I had gotten a call from her teacher, Mrs. Brown, midday telling me how Penelope was acting very young in her morning classes and spent a lot of time picking at her skin until she bled and then at one point bit down on her arm. She sounded very detached when talking about it, which is unusual for her. I tried to get from her what she meant by bit down. The way she said it, it was like Penelope just bit herself for no reason. She really didn't know and said that she was working with this teacher, Mrs. Rodman, on her research paper. Everyone could only assume that Penelope got frustrated with her paper even though Penelope said that wasn't the case. But she didn't know either why she bit herself. But I left that conversation with the feeling that this was going to be another week, and whether this was an omen in a way that my ability to hold a job just isn't in the cards at this point. I was at the store shopping for something to wear at for my interview when I got the call. At that point I made arrangements for my mom to stay the night Wednesday night so she could be my back up Thursday in case we have another bad morning so it doesn't interfere with my interview appointment. That night I talked to Penelope briefly about what went down at school and asked her about her biting. I asked if she was getting frustrated with her paper. She said, in a very "I'm perplexed too!" type of tone, that she wasn't frustrated and didn't know why she did it. She just did. She started just going through what was going on and how she felt at the time and then said something interesting. I know that her and Mrs. Rodman have a rocky relationship, but she made a comment that Mrs. Rodman smells like Harriet. I have met Mrs. Rodman once and I di remember that she smells like a heavy smoker. It radiates from her and her clothing - but I never thought anything of it. Well, Harriet has the same problem. For Harriet it is bad enough that cards and presents have to be aired out once they are received. Penelope got books from Harriet for Christmas two years ago and Penelope Febreezed the pages. So I'm thinking, maybe this teacher is a trigger for Penelope and it's why Penelope and her don't get along? Before I take it to the school, I am going to ask her therapists.
Tuesday was my hair appointment and Penelope had to come with me because school was closed due to snow. It might have been because of the scariness of the roads, because they were pretty treacherous, but she was really acting very young at the salon. I had her bring her DS so she'd have something to do but she couldn't play it for too long because it took her away from me. ME. Center of the universe for her at this moment. She had to sit in a chair next to me. Not at the station next to me, but have that chair pulled up so it was touching my chair. She questioned EVERYTHING the lady did to my hair. I had to nicely stop her a few times. Boundaries - none. She tried to manipulate the situation so she could get her hair done and even a mani/pedi. I couldn't wait to get out of there. Fortuntely/Unfortuntely, this woman is the owner of the salon and is a friend/client of my mother's. So I had to keep up regular world appearances the best I could but she knew enough to know that Penelope has special needs. After that ordeal, I had a conversation with her about her behavior that I thought was a starting point for her. I said "I find it interesting when you feel unsafe, that your brain tells you to go into 'baby mode' and you become more child like, like a 5 or 6 year old." She asked "Why so?" I said "Because, you tend to perceive situations as unsafe when they are not, and then you go there and that's when you are actually unsafe." She asked "How am I unsafe?" I said, "Well, you look like you do - 12 years old, but you act like and speak like you are 5 0r 6. Some people might think that you are not very smart, and some of those people might try to take advantage of that, maybe try to trick you, or steal something from you, or take advantage of you in some way." She seemed to understand that. The rest of that day went pretty well, much better. The next day she was off again which negated my plane of getting my own manicure to prepare for the interview. She would have insisted on having one too and that would have been too expensive. A few times that day I found Penelope really struggling with acting her age. We had a brief conversation about it again and I asked why she felt unsafe? Why she was having a hard time? If there was anything I could do to help her feel safer? She basically said that she just feels really bad for what she has done and sometimes feels like trying to work hard to get stronger is a waste of time and she isn't worth it all the effort. Finally! Remorse! I told her that this was a good thing, what she is feeling. Not that anyone wants her to be sad but she needed to feel bad for what she did. It means she is a good person and not to think she is not. I think it was productive conversation. We had to go to the office supply store to buy ink for the printer - to prepare for my interview. While we were there she found this little journal for $3 she wanted. She asked nicely and the past couple of days it felt like we were turning over a new leaf and I said "Okay." I shouldn't have done it but what transpired the next day probably would have happened anyway regardless. The next day, she wanted to take it to school and even asked, which is unusual. I said that it was fine but to only use it during appropriate times like recess or after school, not during class. She has issues with new things and setting boundaries on her use of them.
When I picked her up from school that day, before her butt hit the seat she had burst into tears and wails. The best I could gather was that it started 7th bell in Choir when a girl had corrected the way Penelope was swaying side to side during a particular song. Penelope took offense and said "Don't tell me what to do! I'm not a little baby!" which ticked off the little girl who started telling the other kids what Penelope said and according to Penelope they all started making fun of her. Then the next bell these two boys started picking on her and then she went to tell the teacher out in the hallway and this other girl took her text book and hid it. When Penelope came back in the class all the kids in that part of the classroom started laughing at her because they knew what happened and she didn't. Finally the girl gave her back her book after "borrowing" it as she said. From the words Penelope was choosing, her mannerisms and posture, I might not know exactly what happened but I could tell what caused it - Penelope's 6 year old persona. Well, at least we are on our way to therapy.
By the time Penelope came into the room, she was in full character. It was, besides so frustrating, quite impressive. We spent most of the time talking about what happened with the kids and helping her process what happened and how to move forward from there. Her brain training showed that her trauma brainwaves were very elevated with no improvement over the session. After Penelope left the session and it was just Beth and I, we basically came to the conclusion that she is very hypersensitive right now and is past the who fantasy stuff and deep in Yuckworld. I think she is dealing with her remorse. She absolutely feels that this teacher is a trigger and it needs to be addressed with the school. No one said it's causing her regression but it is doing more harm then help by having her assist Penelope. We need all the help we can get.
I emailed Mrs. Brown about therapy and what happened with the kids on Thursday. I also discussed how Mrs. Rodman is a trigger for Penelope and to let me know what I should do about that. She called me Friday morning and sounded exasserbated and somewhat detached, again, when discussing my email. She didn't bring up Mrs. Rodman - which at this point I take that as there is nothing she can do or discuss about it. I wasn't sure if bringing that up with her would be crossing a line since it's a peer, but that line has always been rather faded with her anyway. But she wanted to discuss Penelope's need to be child-like. She seemed to be at her wits end with it and was letting me know she was going to have a problem-solving meeting with Penelope to get down to the root cause of why she acts like that. If she is attention seeking, then how to find positive attention instead of the negative attention - and she KNOWS that her behavior is what caused the events of the day prior, not that it justifies what those kids did. She brought up the journal and said that Penelope was carrying it around like it was pressure cargo going around to different people asking their opinion of it and her mannerisms and posture were making her stick out causing on this negative attention. I listened to her vent, but also knowing that Penelope had pushed her over a limit she has been so good about not crossing. Been there! I told her that it could be attention seeking, but I went into how I believe it's really how she is coping with her feelings of remorse, that she is finally feeling remorse! She then became empathetic towards Penelope's behavior and we talked about how it has a lot to do with her self-esteem and self-image. So she started talking about ways to help Penelope with that, which are great. We are going to try to do some of them at home.
They started the problem solving process to reduce her negative attention behaviors on Friday and Penelope came home feeling good about Friday. I spent the day at my brother's - we were going to have our cousin and his family over that evening and play Wii games. I was over to help clean. My brother has Crohn's Disease - I don't know if I ever mentioned that on here. Anyway, sometimes he stuggles more with it than other days. So I help out when he needs an extra hand and my SIL is working or gone and can't herself. But my nephew was really sick with a fever and had thrown up in the middle of the night, so we cancelled it. He was a little hot potato when I was there. I rubbed his back and layed cool rags on his head and neck. Poor little guy. Since my adult evening was cancelled, we pushed the babysitter/Papaw off until Saturday and he invited me to dinner with him, my SIL, and her BFF. I asked to invite Laurie, Penelope's tutor and my friend. I was glad to have dinner with my brother and I was glad that Laurie got to meet him. We all grew up near eachother and went to the same school during different times so we had plenty of stuff to talk about. My dad stayed with Penelope during that time and they had good Penelope/Papaw time. Sunday, Penelope and I went to church with Laurie and then to lunch. Then Penelope and I had to go get her new high quality running shoes that she gets free with this program I signed her up for (that she begged me to sign her up for) called Girls on the Run. It was a good day.
Monday, another snow day! UGH. Bored, running out of planned meals, I tried to become creative. I tried to make this breaded chicken thing that was overcooked on the outside and undercooked on the inside and I microwaved to make sure it was at least cooked throughout. Penelope wouldn't eat it. I ate most of mine but pitched all the leftovers. Well, let's just say, I haven't been able to eat since then. I think I poisoned myself. haha. Either that or my nephew gave me a stomach virus. It started throwing up about 2am that night and the next morning Penelope helped me by being my nurse getting me water and covering me up and just helping helping with everything. She did take advantage of the situation and had ice cream for lunch and played allll day. But, what was I suppose to do? My dad came over when he was done working and got Penelope on some chores and her daily reading. He brought me some nasty pink stuff that worked. He stuck around until Penelope's bedtime and scheduled my mom to come and get Penelope off to school this morning. My stomach is still yelling at me and my muscles are soo sore. I have to hug my ribs when I turn or laugh. The hallucinations during the fever.. I've been reading this book and for a few hours there I was in the book. Very funny. At least my memory of it is. Typing this is the longest I've been out of bed. And actually, I got to get back there soon. I'm starting to really hurt again. Anyway! Penelope had a good day today and I hope it's a good sign for the week. She also did well with me being sick - last time she got mad at me because she was bored. That's been a while but still. I just kept thanking her and telling her she should become a nurse etc. In making sure she didn't get on any bad websites while I was down, I checked the browser history and she googled "How to help my mom get rid of her stomach flue" and went to 4 different websites. How sweet is that.
Update about the job interview. It was on Thursday. I had a very bad feeling about the interview when the guy opened the conversation with "at this level, this will be a short meeting just to go over your resume and tell you about the company." When he went over my resume, he never asked me about my experience at the companies or how it would relate to the position. He asked stupid questions like what high school I went to - twice! If I've always lived in this city, and stuff like that. Nothing about my experiences. And then, when I'd answer, he'd cut me off 15 second into it. He didn't appear to be paying any attention to what I said. He asked me if I had any questions, which I did. I had brought examples of work I had done that was directly relevant but he never asked about them or gave me an opportunity to present them. Knowing that this interview was going down the tubes, I brought them out and closed my "sale" talking about the success of each account and the benefit to the company and he seemed wowed by it - for the first time took notice. I guess he just took notice to my assertiveness and nothing else because instead of taking my call on Monday, which he told me to follow up with him on Monday, he sent me an email telling me that my experience doesn't meet the qualifications for the position. Oh well.