Fail Forward

Last week I went to a business seminar on innovation for work. The topic was around business competitiveness and setting the pace in your industry by staying innovative. But a lot of what was said really spoke to me as a parent of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. One of the terms the speaker said that became my new favorite phrase is “fail forward.” Accepting failures as part of the process and that you learn from them. Make the failure meaningful and find opportunities to come up with new ideas or opportunities to move forward.
I think, as a general rule, good parents carry around a great deal of unnecessary guilt. I know I do and I’d like to think I’m a good parent. I’m always trying to make sure I do all I can do to give Penelope the best chances at a happy life. Any errors I make are not just a waste of that precious time but counter-productive – a slip backwards that now has to be regained.
We’d like to think we have more control over our kids than we actually do. I came to the realization a while ago that I can’t make Penelope do anything. I can change the way I do things that may make her more likely to do what I want, but that’s the limit of my control. I think that is where some of the guilt lies, in that when our child makes that poor decision, we feel like we are the ones that failed because we weren’t able to prevent it.
With Penelope and her RAD, the hurdles to make better choices are much larger. So I tend to obsess over what I can do to help her. Then I think about how she has to work hard at this too, and then I debate in my head if she is capable or if she is just unwilling. That leads me back to the beginning of this ongoing cycle of what I can do to help her.
The approached I’ve learned works best for Penelope is the Love & Logic parenting model. It makes her own her behaviors and be responsible for her choices. It’s especially helpful for combating some of the developmental delays that are common with RAD. The challenge in this method is giving up the power. Again, power or control we really do not have.  But the premise of this parenting method is that kids need to make mistakes and get in trouble as part of their learning process. Let the action and subsequent consequence teach the child, not the parent.  The parent’s role is to set the boundaries and be the child’s support through these experiences. It applies to your average kid, but also to the extreme behaviors of of child with RAD.
These kids can go well beyond normal mistakes and bad choices. Even with that, I’ve learned that Penelope tends to make the biggest strides when she has to deal with the repercussions of her mistakes. Some of these mistakes are ones I can live with. But there are a few that I wish never happened. Even so, the more severe here action resulting in a larger consequence, the more she has moved forward.
Even though I still struggle with letting go of control and deal with parental guilt, I’ve learned that her mistakes are one of my greatest tools to help her. Looking at these events and challenges that pop up as opportunities. So I like this phrase “fail forward.”

Mutant Child

I use the word mutant because I feel like Penelope mutates every six months into a different child, similar to the one before but with new strengths and weaknesses, new challenges requiring new approaches to parenting. I use this term instead of evolves. Maybe that’s just how I feel at the moment because we are in a step backward momentum right now. And maybe it’s not even a backward momentum she is going, but a revelation of where she truly is at in this journey versus where I thought she was.

A couple weeks ago, right before spring break, she went out with her friend to a teen night club. Her phone was acting up so I switched cell phones with her for the evening. We’ve done it before. I’ve even gone through her phone before. But it’s a smart phone (as is mine) and maybe I just didn’t look through all the apps and all the folders but this time I found close up naked pictures she had taken of herself. Fortunately she didn’t include her face in the photos. The photo album I found it in was titled one of her Apps. It was a chatting App. She had shared these pics with a couple boys she "met" somehow. I do not believe she knows them, they do not seem local. Of course, they had sent pics of themselves as well. On top of that I found porn in her search history.

Of course, she lost her cell phone privileges, and in good RAD parenting fashion, I didn’t punish her or yell at her. All consequences were related to the behavior, removing the phone was primary, and all the freedoms having phone access to her went with it. I told her how sad it was that she didn’t hold herself to a higher standard in her relationships (or attempts at relationships). I love her too much to allow her to hurt herself and her self image that way. She was very angry and said "You don’t understand!" (What mother does?) "Boys don’t pay me any attention at school. I get what I can get where I can get it." Yikes. Not terribly surprising. Her self-concept has always been such a huge challenge. It’s one of the few constants. How it rears its "ugly" head is what changes it seems.

One of the other interesting pieces to this whole thing is that in the past she would volunteer how there are kids at her school who would do this, do that, including what she did with her chat app, and she would never do it, because she thinks it’s gross or she doesn’t want to end up with the same problems her mother did or some very relatable answer. Did I buy it all hook, line and sinker? No. But it gave us the opportunity for us to talk about these topics and try to be on the same page as to why these high risk behaviors would be poor decisions. This is a bit different then her usual RAD lying in that typically it’s Penelope creating a fantasy world (boys that like her and fights that never happened) or telling me about something she wished happened to her or she did.

My initial approach to this problem was to establish some tasks that she must do in order to demonstrate her level of responsibility in order to get her phone back. I fundamentally didn’t feel like it was enough, not really addressing the main issue but also wanting her to have this typical teen accessory. It didn’t matter because this approach went nowhere. She dug her heals in and blocked any discussion about potential tasks but instead started saying how she knows better now and how right I am, and that she is making her BFF stop chatting with boys like that too because it’s wrong. BLAH. Do I have STUPID written across my forehead?

That was about 2 weeks ago. A couple of days ago, we were chatting about something at school and I suggested using Facebook for online came up and she said "It’s not like I am allowed to go on there!" Then she shut to whole conversation down. She feels like she is never getting her phone back. I told her "I’m not sure how you are to get your phone back when anytime the topic comes up, you ‘don’t want to talk about it.’" That night, I couldn’t sleep and went to get some water around midnight. When I passed her room I saw a glow coming from under her covers. When I went in to inspect, I found she had taken back her phone, from my PURSE. It was in my purse earlier that night. I don’t know what she was doing because it was on the main screen when I took it from her. All I could say was "Wow. What am I suppose to say?" And went to bed.. well, after I calmed down a bit I went to bed. After I went through her phone trying to figure out what she was doing. She had been looking at porn. The chat app was gone, as a lot of other things on it. But then I learned she had taken the external SD card from it. I also found out that she had a secret email account and some social media accounts attached to it. Me, not a happy camper.

I took the next day to think about it. I wanted to be strategic about it. Regardless, the phone is gone. Deactivated. But that’s just a speed bump in the bigger challenge.

So that evening, I went home with the mindset that I’m not even going to address the phone. It’s such a pea size issue at this point. We need to look at why this is such a compulsion for her, what she gets from it, and what she can do to replace it that is more rewarding, more satisfying and appropriate.

I began that conversation with her. She said that she got bored with chatting with the boys, that it eventually didn’t do anything for her. She feels like life is boring. Her life is boring. She does the same thing day in and day out. Why can’t demons and vampires be real? She wants to be a demon or vampire (or mutant child). She wishes there was an apocalypse so people can be scared and she could be a leader of a gang and chop people up. I said "Do you here what you’re saying?" I repeated back to her what she said. I wanted to clarify "You want people to be more scared? More scared in general? Or scared of you?" She said "I want them to be more scared of me." When she says this, you can see the shame on her face. By this point, she is sitting on the floor against the wall farthest from me holding a pillow to her chest. She said "Everyone has more power than me, I want to be stronger. I want them to be scared of me."

Basically, she wants to feel safer. She feels that if they fear her, she will be safer. She is tired of being scared of them instead. I told her that it’s a perception she has, and that no one has any more power over her than she has over them. But I get it and want her to feel safe and it’s something we are going to work on together.

Taking what she said out of that context is unnerving to say the least. And I'm still having that type of reaction regardless. I keep thinking "I think I lost a year of my life in that conversation."  It's not something I'd ever hear come from her at this point in our journey. Chop people up? The conversation tore me up, to imagine she feels this way just demonstrates how scared she is and always is at some level. At least I can see that in that conversation. At the same time, I thought lack of wanting to get out and do things was more to being hypersensitive to stressors that cause her to be scared. But that has led her to feel her life boring and monotonous.

I still think it’s all based on her lack of self-esteem. It’s all related. If you don’t have the confidence to put yourself out there because you are scared of what could happen, you are a prisoner within the walls you have built. Life would become rather boring I guess.

The other issue I’ve identified is that she spends way too much with her head in fantasy and sci-fi based shows, videos, books, and just overall thinking. She is trying to escape her reality. This is not new for her and I’ve told her that I can’t allow it. It’s not healthy for her and it won’t fix her problems. So, she has been cut off of anything fantasy or science fiction based. She is also going to spend more time disconnected from technology. I can’t cut her off completely as it’s too much a part of her school work; homework, texts, are mostly electronic. But she is scaling back to the minimum.

This conversation happened on Thursday. That night and Friday morning she was completely sick to her stomach. I ended up keeping her home and having her Papaw pick her up and take her to his house. I certainly wasn’t leaving her home by herself. I hadn’t had time to brief either Papaw or Grandma on the evening prior. Grandma thought it would good for Papaw and myself to sit down with Penelope at their house when I pick her up to cover everything. It’s good to loop Papaw into this even though I’m not sure what he can do beyond just be a reinforcing family member for Penelope. That in itself is a big deal.

Standards

Penelope has come such a long way. In so many ways, she appears like a typical teenager. She has similar teenage dramas and social problems. But RAD is a part of her, regardless of how much try to push it out. How am I suppose to determine the difference between RAD behavior and typical behavior? But that's really not the right question, is it? It's not about the behavior, rather the thinking behind the behavior. Until she just starts spewing every thought that enters her head, the only way I can know what she is thinking or feeling is through her actions. But even then, it still leaves a lot of room for interpretation.
What also complicates this interpretation is my own issues. A fear reaction to the future implications of her actions. An anger reaction to being tricked into giving her too much freedom or responsibility. A guilt reaction for not having the ability to prevent it from happening. A shame reaction for allowing myself to distance my feelings towards her because of her behavior. I've been able to recognize that some if not all of these reactions do not help me address the behavior in the best way, but there is a bit of a delay in getting my mind organized enough to do something.
So, Penelope has had a cell phone since she was 14 years old. I may have written about it in the past because I found this great website with phones for kids that have a ton of parental controls. The downside to this website is that because they only offer monthly plans (as a control feature), you have to pay the full price of the phones. Well, after about 1 year, her phone stopped working. I wasn't going to buy her another phone. Grandma offered to put her on the family phone plan, which was the cheapest option. Because it's through a well known mobile service, there were free phone options. There wasn't one phone with no camera. Her old phone had a camera but a parental control prevented being able to send the pictures anywhere. Grandma talked to the sales rep and set up parental controls on the new phone. The problem is, her new phone is a smart phone giving her access to Apps. I didn't think anything of it, when we were assured.
Well, you know where I'm going with this. She had an app that allowed her to chat with strangers. I had checked her phone over time and nothing but then her battery stopped working unless plugged in. She was going out with a friend so I traded phones with her. I didn't even look at it until the end of the night, going through her photos and found an album with this particular's app title. They were pictures of naked boys and pictures she had taken of herself - close up photos of certain body parts. Nothing identifiable but I know it's her. I went to the app and found conversations with boys, or so called boys, and where they had exchanged pictures.
We had talked about this type of activity, interest teens have in it and the potential consequences - not the punishment kind as much about what it does to your self-image, privacy, and safety. She would volunteer without prompting about other girls that did these high risk behaviors and other high risk behaviors and how she would never do it for this reason or another.
Lie, lie, lie. All lies.
She feels justified in her actions. "No boys at school care about me. At least I'm getting attention somewhere." And things like that. Trying to figure out what I can do to help her as her Mom have higher standards for herself.

Broken Family Christmas

I definitely know it could be worse. My goal was to just get through it and come out the other side with minimal damage. I should probably discuss with Penelope how she felt about how it went but I don't expect honesty. I think she has been muddling through the holidays herself by masking the problems in a layer of tinsel and powered sugar. Very much avoidance and denial. I do think she is turning the bend and starting down that road of teenager-dom that I've been rushing therapy and healing in for. That point where the effect of my efforts start to deminish and for the most part, I just try to keep up and hold on.

Not that there is still isn't a lot of baby-ish stuff going on. Baby-talk was very present during winter break, understandably. She feels safer in that state. She also wanted a Norman Rockwell Christmas. We got the tree up and the decorations out and Penelope wanted to invite the neighbors for a tree trimming party. Penelope and Grandma bought cookie tins and made a ton of sugar cookies to give to our new neighbors (who never recieved them.) She kept talking about wanting a Barbie Doll for Christmas and if she didn't get a Barbie Doll for Christmas, her Christmas would be ruined. (She didn't get a Barbie Doll for Christmas.) Every night before Christmas, she'd lay under the tree with her presents surrounding her. She even asked if she could sleep there one night. (No.)

We did end up going to Church during the week of Christmas. Our church doesn't have service on Christmas - too many members to accommodate. But they have a special show a couple times a day during the week of Christmas that was very educational and entertaining. We were invited by Penelope's 4th grade teacher/tutor/friend. I couldn't get Penelope to go to church before this but I'm hoping to work off of this visit to get her to start going back. I've posted about it before, but Penelope gets very anxious at Church to the point she has a hard time breathing. It's because she feels like she shouldn't be there - like she doesn't deserve to be there because of all the bad things she has done. After the show, the audience is invited to participate in their annual Krispy Kreme Community Outreach thing where you pick up a box of doughnuts in the lobby on the way out and deliver them to a place of business where people are working. Penelope saw the opportunity to pick up a box of doughnuts for herself. I could tell that was what she was doing. So could the lady who was handing her the box. She looked at me for assurance that we were going to give it away. I said "It's okay. She can take one." The lady gave Penelope a box and we headed out the door to catch up with Laurie. I figured this would be a good lesson for Penelope. A lesson in listening. And a lesson in giving. I said "You know you can't keep those doughnuts. You have to give them away. That's what they are for." She said "I can't? Well... then I'll give them to Grandma (who is back at the house and wouldn't want them and ultimately give them back to Penelope.)" I said "Ohhh no. You have to give them to people who are at their jobs right now." I told Laurie that Penelope picked up a box. She knew right away what was going on. Penelope said "But I don't want to do that. You take it." Laurie chimed in, "Nope, you took them, you have to give them away..... So where should we go?...." making her want not an option. Laurie and I started to discussing places to go while Penelope started to get nervous and whine a little in the back seat. We decided to go to the Fire/Police Station that is on the way to Laurie's house. We drove around looking for a door for Penelope to go in or knock on. We booted her out of the car to knock on a door. A man in a uniform came to the door. Penelope's body language was priceless. She wouldn't make eye contact and handed him the box of doughnuts. She said "These are from Church." There was a note from the church stuck to the top explaining what we were doing. He was very nice and thanked her gratiously. She ran to the car. We waved to him and left. I asked Penelope how she felt. She said "Freaked out!" Odd answer. I said "In a good way or a bad way?" She said "A good way." She admitted it made her feel good. But then a few minutes later she said "I want doughnuts." Of course.

Our actual Christmas was nothing like how we usually celebrate it. Though it is typical to have to work around my twin brother's schedule because his wife's family is huge and there is at least 2 if not 3 events on that side. We would always have to fight for either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day to see him and his family. There have been arguements and hurt feelings about that. We still had to work around that. Not Penelope and I necessarily, but my parents. My twin brother was having our side of the family's Christmas on Christmas Day. At his house. Penelope isn't invited of course. Understandably. Everyone else is. We celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve with my parents. Because they were going to be having the big dinner at my brother's we opted for an early dinner of sandwiches, chips and salad. Then we opened presents, well... Penelope opened presents. I had asked my parents to get Penelope a Wii for Christmas and not get me anything - since they are expensive. She needs to have things that other kids she goes to school has, as well as something she'd like that isn't a "toy." They agreed. My mom did get me a scarf for my winter coat. Penelope loved her gifts and fortuntely didn't complain about not getting a Barbie Doll. She did comment saying it was okay because she is sure Santa would bring her one. Yes, she is still claiming to believe in Santa. Yes, she is 13 1/2 years old.

Around 7pm after the presents were opened, my parents had to leave to go to a party at my Dad's best friend's house that he goes to every year. Penelope and I were invited. My mom really wanted us to go but I just didn't feel like having Penelope around all those different kids would be safe and it's not like they have told anyone what she did. To hide it from the adults, I couldn't keep Penelope from playing with the kids. Just not a good situation. It wasn't an option. So we hung out and played Wii the rest of the night. My parents did come back and stay the night with us.

The next day was Christmas and Penelope recieved earrings from Santa. She was disappointed but didn't really say anything. My parents left late morning to go to my twin brother's house. I sent the presents I bought for my niece and nephew. It was hard not getting to see them open them. I heard they loved them. It was hard not getting to see my twin brother as well. I texted him later that night but he didn't respond until the next day. Penelope and I spent the day playing games and hanging out. I made her favorite food for dinner - chili. We just enjoyed a nice day just her and I. My mom got back to the house late and I went to bed. That was a hard night.
Penelope seemed to take things in stride. I don't know if she knows who all was at her Uncle's house. It was everyone including George and my Aunt who came to Thanksgiving. Everyone except us. For me, the hard part is that George got to be there. I have a hard time with that.

Petty Theft Charge

Okay, so Penelope is back to committing crime. Her school had been having a fundraiser selling handmade jewlery to raise money for poor kids in 3rd world countries. She had a couple of dollars on her and used it on to buy herself these little finger dolls and a hacky sack - so I thought. She then asked if she could have some money because she wanted to buy a necklace for me she saw. I say no to her alot so I thought that I needed to cave on this and I gave her 5 dollars the next morning when dropping her off to school. Later that day I received a phone call from Mrs. Brown, her Intervention Specialist from 6th grade. Penelope had gone to her during the lunch hour and showed her the stuff she had "bought" from the fundraiser. One of those items is a $30 necklace. Mrs. Brown knows I'm not working and would probably not give Penelope that kind of money. She questioned about the necklace and Penelope caved quickly. She also had a $4 bracelet and a two more finger dolls and the original 4 finger dolls and the hacky sack. Penelope tried to claim a "friend" gave her the hacky sack. But she couldn't remember the name of this friend. I told her later "Just talk to this friend and have her tell Mrs. Brown she gave it to you." Penelope said "She isn't like that! She doesn't like to help people out that way! Just ... never mind!" Sounds pretty guilty to me.

We determined that she may have bought the hackysack, but probably didn't. I told her teacher to return the hackysack because I don't think someone gave it to her and if someone did, it's just part of the consequence. She can't prove someone gave it to her and she already admited she didn't buy it. But she didn't buy the necklace. Mrs. Brown said she hadn't talk to anyone about it yet, she just wanted to talk to me first. I said she should certainly get whatever consequence is in the handbook but I also felt she needed something else, linked to the crime - I didn't know... maybe have to raise money for the fundraiser herself? I don't know...

It was at the end of the day and I knew Penelope would be walking home from school. I was concerned about this, that she might try to run away or something. She also likes to stop at this store and I had found out the day prior that she had asked the owners for a job. She wants to get paid in merchanise - jewlery. Yeah.. So trying to keep things normal I waited, impatiently for her to come home. I gave her plenty of time before I got in my car and started heading to school. I found her a couple of blocks away walking home. When she saw me she started wailing. The face of a 4 year old. I pulled into a church driveway near where she was and she got in the car sobbing. She claimed she was freezing, even though she had her winter coat on and everything. She said "Look at my hands! They are so red from being cold!" They weren't red at all. I asked her "So what happened today?" She said "Oh, Amy..." wanting to complain that she was being picked on by one of her classmates. I said "Not that Penelope, stealing the necklace." She claims she wanted to steal it for me. I don't know if I believe it but she does make me cards and tells me she loves me ALL THE TIME. Her anxiety. She felt that wanting me to have this necklace was a good enough reason to break the law. She gets it, from all the people that have told her so, that's it's not okay. But I really believe she disagrees. That or she feels that we will be less hard on her for the theft because it was out of love? I don't know.

She knew that she was going to find out her school punishment the next day. I woke her up a little early to give her plenty of time to get ready for school knowing there was going to be some dragging of the feet. Maybe it would have been better to wake her up late and have a mini fire drill out the door. I don't know. The closer the time got to when it was time to go to school, the slower she became, the more defiant she became. Then she declared "I'm not going to school today." I calmly pumped her up letting her know that I know it's going to be a hard day but she is strong enough and right now she just needs to get through it etc. We were about 15 minutes late getting to school, after about 3 times of having to talk her back in to going to school. "You can do it." When we reached the front of the school, she couldn't get out of the car she said. "I can't move my legs." "My book bag is too heavy.." Then she just busted out crying, in a very child like wail. I turned the car off and helped her take a binder out of her book bag for her to carry in her arms and walked her through the front door to the attendance desk. The school personnel working the desk could see I had a distressed kid on my hands I'm trying to transition into school and offered to call someone. No one was available right then. Her IS and the school guidance counselor were walking out of a meeting and saw us standing there. So did the school psychologist. They came over. Everyone was busy on the way to something else and was trying to figure out what to do. They kind of looked at me like "What do you want us to do?" I said "I could keep her at home today but I thought that might defeat the purpose...." The guidance counselor agreed. Good, I didn't really want to drop off this emotional child who probably wasn't going to be much of a student/learner today but she has to deal with the consequences. Her IS asked Penelope's if she could go to her locker by herself and put her books away and Penelope said "No." She wanted someone to go with her. So the IS walked her down. From what I gathered they were going to find a place for Penelope for the first couple bells to calm down and try to get the Asst. Principal to see her ASAP to get the dishing out of the consequence out of the way as it was obvious her anxiety was due to the unknown of what was going to happen.

I found out later that the meeting with the Asst. Principal didn't happen until that afternoon but Penelope made it through her classes (I guess.. I didn't get any calls but I also didn't get a response to my email asking how she coped with her day).

I did get a call from the Asst Principal letting me know that since this was Penelope's second time stealing at school, that instead of getting a one day in-school suspension, she was getting a 3 day out of school suspension, beginning the following day. So a Friday, Monday and Tuesday. A long 5 days. The other thing he told me is that the new principal is filing a police report and having her charged with theft. He is going to request that it be handled in our little city's Mayor's Court. It's not part of the County's judicial system so it wouldn't go on her record. The principal has found that this works getting kids to stop stealing, he said.

I picked up Penelope from school a little later and she was all teary eyed. Which I guess is better than all slap happy. Been there done that before. She didn't feel well she said. I brought some fruit to snack on for her during our 1 hour drive to Attachment Therapy. I tried to get her to relax by laying back in her seat etc. She just kept saying she wanted fattening food to snack on. She ate all the grapes and most of the apple slices. I did talk to her about her day and her complaint was that no one helped her calm down. No one talked to her about her feelings. She was mad at her IS for not talking to her. She was mad at the new Principal because he didn't make time for her like the old Principal would when the guidance counselor was busy. She was mad at the Asst. Principal for punishing her so severely. She took it as them not liking her and ganging up on her. I take it as Penelope not getting the attention she wanted. She wanted everyone to tell her it was okay. That it will be okay and she is a good kid. She also doesn't feel like she deserves the punishment.

On the way up I also received a call from the Police Station and the officer in charge of the case. He was planning on sending a couple officers to our home after we returned from therapy to have us sign some forms. Great..

Penelope had neurofeedback first (after her AT and I talked for a few moments) which her AT said still went very well, that Penelope was able to get her brainwaves to be down and stay down for the most part. She has one on her right that is a "trauma indicator" she calls it that is fighting to come down and she still needs to work on that. Then we have our talk session. Penelope was acting babyish during the session. Her AT talked to her about what happened, having her tell her what went on. Determining if Penelope truly understood what she was doing was wrong when she did it. She admitted she thought she'd get away with it. But she wanted it for me etc. Her AT talked to her about the Good Penelope and the Bad Penelope and how they are one in the same. That there is no such thing as a totally good person. She was going down this road with Penelope because of how Penelope feels that there is this Bad Penelope that will always do bad things and that you shouldn't punish the Good Penelope because she is all good and wants to do the right thing. Wanting to do the right thing (supposedly) is not good enough to not get consequences. Her AT also talked about Penelope's need to grow up. That she can not stay young and be happy there. We know she does it because she feels safer there. Penelope said "But I don't want to grow up." Her AT said "But isn't hard to make friends when they don't want to do the things you want to do anymore?" which she knows is a touchy point for Penelope because this is the most painful part of her choice to stay emotionally young. She wants friends but doesn't have any. She says defiantly "I have a best friend and yeah she is 10 but we have fun together." We pointed out that this friend will continue to grow and she we eventually outgrow her as well if she decides to stay a little kid.

I think Penelope heard her but didn't like it and dismissed it not caring about the negative affects of her choice to want to stay a little kid inside. I don't know what to think of all of it. On the way home my Dad called me and told me just to go to the station because we really don't want the police coming around alarming our new neighbors. I didn't even know it was an option but we did have a longer than normal session so we were running behind from the time I told the officer so I used that as my excuse to go to the station instead of having them come to us.

We arrived at the station and waited for a little bit. Penelope was being "bored" but also nervous. The Officer basically needed to give us the Complaint and the Hearing Notice and had us sign. He did talk to Penelope about what would happen if she did it again and tried to scare her a little bit. I don't think it worked. He said that if she did it again she would go through the court downtown and "Have you heard of 20/20?" He doesn't know this isn't our first rodeo and Penelope has been to the courthouse downtown and to 20/20 (Juvenile Jail) for her competency classes many times. He asked her if she had any questions and the only questions she had related to his tazer on his belt and if he had ever had to use it etc. Ugh!

Penelope was very clingy that night, happy to be home, happy to not have to go to school the next day... I told her that she works when she doesn't go to school. I took her to the house on Friday (her 1st day of suspension) and made her clean, sweep, mop. She actually did it with no complaints. Saturday she spent the day with Grandma as I babysat my niece and nephew for my brother so my Dad and him and his wife and father-in-law could go to a football game. My mom took Penelope to get her haircut, got her blond highlights, bought her winter boots and new gym shoes and some colorful socks and leggings. My mom buys things as her "love language" (taking from a post from Mary The Mom) but it's not always conducive to what is best for Penelope. Penelope needed new shoes and a haircut but my Mom always takes it to the next level. But I get her need to do these things.

That Sunday I made Penelope help me clean the condo. I hadn't had time with everything and it was getting on my last nerve. We spent the ENTIRE day doing it. She complained most of the time and made me want to pull my hair out a couple of times but did what I told her to. My goal was to get the condo clean and start on my 2nd online course for my certification for Qu*ckbooks (part of my consulting business I'm starting). I had finished the 1st course over a week ago and really need to keep moving forward. There are 9 courses. But I didn't get to start it.

So Monday, I debated on getting started on it but still needed to keep Penelope busy. I received a call from the officer in charge of Penelope's case and he wanted to stop by to go read Penelope her rights, have her fill out a statement and explain how this unofficial court process works. I told him that we were going to be leaving to go clean (her consequence for not being in school) and we could come to him. Great... no big deal. Well, it really wasn't but it was trying on me. Probably more me than Penelope. While she filled out her statement, the officer wanted to talk to me in the hall. When he had called, he had told me a bit about the court process. I had debated asking certain questions but I went ahead and did. I had learned from the officer who gave us the court date that this is actually in front of a magistrate. I had asked if we needed to get a lawyer. That's a loaded question for a police officer. Are you "lawyering up?" He can't say "No" but he said that we don't have to and that most people don't. I wanted to know if there was going to be a prosecutor there. He said there was. I wanted to have a better understanding how unofficial this was. This issue I was having is that the officer had said that the magistrate would ask Penelope questions. I told him that Penelope has been charged with a crime before but the charges were dismissed. She was also found not competent to stand trial. I want her to have consequences but I also want to respect her rights. He said that he understood and that he would talk to the Magistrate about it. We discussed Penelope's mental health issues, in a very general manner. He asked what kind of consequence I want to see? I said that I am not sure just because what I've learned is that it's best the consequences relate to the behavior but I don't know what that would be. He discussed community service as really the only thing he's ever heard of but didn't know what exactly they'd have her do. I didn't know if I said too much to him, or not enough. I was worried about that. The relationship with the police officer from when she sexually assaulted her cousins went down hill right away. He was nice and accommodating (and lied) just long enough to get information that turned on us. I didn't want that to happen again. I want to have this work this time.

After that whole thing I took Penelope back home because it was lunch time. Her math teacher had sent over that week's packet and I had her work on that while I hung out with my Mom destressing. Then I had to go get George and take him to the bank so he could get a claim form notorized for his stolen bike. It was either myself or my Mom to do this but my Mom really didn't want to go out in the cold. Fine. I needed a break from Penelope anyway. Not that George is really a break. He is always so wrapped up in his own life drama to care of be interested in what is going on with anyone else, like Penelope. That or he is is in denial or avoiding talking about his daughters pain because he can't handle it.

The other thing going on was that somewhere around this time, during all this, Harriet finally surfaced after not hearing from her about setting up a time to meet. What was going on is that she was trying to get her Mom to... do something. Harriet had called Geoff and told her how her and her Mom were going to meet with me and force me to allow visitations. I hadn't really heard about the whole conversation - hard to do that when you have Penelope right there all the time, so I figured I would talk to him while I took him on his errand. Oh my, what a bad idea that was. I almost wrecked 3 times because I was so not focused on driving. He told me that he argued with Harriet about her seeing Penelope. That I have told him and Harriet that I really DO want Penelope to have a relationship with there parents, but when she is strong enough. She told him "You don't really believe that do you? She is just going to keep saying that until we give up and go away?" He said that she went on to say that Penelope didn't get sick (her symptoms didn't really surface big time) until she was with me and that it's because I told her horrible things about Harriet which traumatized her. She says that Penelope's illness is purely genetic. Harriet's Grandfather was schizophrenic and spent most of his life in a mental institution. That's what's wrong with Penelope. (See, this is why I don't tell her anything! I told her about Penelope's meltdown and saying that she heard in her head someone tell her to do something. But that she is showing signs of Disassociation, having flashbacks - not schizophrenia! And by the way, we haven't had any of that since then as she doing well with her EMDR.) Also, I guess Harriet's Mom was also upset because she hasn't been able to see Penelope either. But George told her what I have told him which she hasn't contacted me to want to see Penelope. He then asked me "Is it true that you won't let Penelope see Harriet's Mom without you being there?" I said "Heck yeah! The last time she spent a long weekend with her, when I picked Penelope up, Harriet was there, and that was never discussed." (Harriet's Mom lives 3 hours away) Penelope had to have been left alone with her and she is not safe around Harriet. This was back before Harriet was cut off from Penelope. I continued and said "She continues to deny that Harriet did anything wrong to Penelope and even denies Penelope's illness. What would prevent her from allowing Harriet to see Penelope? Nothing. If she wants to see Penelope, I must be there. She knows this and doesn't like it." As you can see, this wasn't the best conversation to have while driving.

The Monday night that was Penelope's last day of suspension and returning to school did not go well. Just like it has happened in the past, when the term "Bed Time" is announced, she goes from normal and calm to enraged and defiant. She does this "I'm not going to bed!" and parked her but in a chair in the living room. She eventually admitted that she didn't want to go back to school and claimed it was because "everyone is going to bug me about where I've been, why I wasn't at school." I told her "Well,... that is one of the consequences for your actions." That didn't go over well. She stomped off to her room. I followed her and gave another answer. "Penelope, it's none of their business so you can just say 'I don't want to talk about it' or something like that.'" She didn't want to solve the problem, she just wanted to not go to school. She continued to get more mad. I then just focused on her anger and get her to calm down. But her anger was targeted at me and she didn't want to listen to anything I had to say. She started screaming at me, and I had warned her about moving into a condo, she can't be doing that. So I reminded her. My Mom, who has been staying with us came to the room and before she could enter the room, Penelope started yelling at her "Stay out of this Grandma! Stay out of it!" This was very upsetting to her and I told her it was okay for her to go so she left the doorway. Penelope was yelling for me to leave her alone and to get out. I told her I wouldn't until she calmed down. She said "I don't want to calm down. I want you to leave! I never want to talk to you again!" Then she picked up her clothes hamper near where she was standing and held it up threatening to hit me. She said "Don't make me hit you with this." I wanted to say "Go right ahead." But that wasn't the right response. I said "I will leave when you get in to bed and turn the lights out." She said "FINE" and gets into bed. She says "Now leave!" I reminded her about the light. She said "It's off now so leave, and find somewhere else to sleep!" Because my Mom was staying with us, I gave her my room and I was sharing Penelope's room sleeping in her other twin.

I ended up sleeping in her room. She passed out probably within 10 minutes. I was up for a couple of hours longer and felt that her emotions just got the best of her and it would be okay to sleep in her room. I was a little concerned but knew it needed to be addressed the next day. She was VERY remorseful the next day. Thank goodness, I really thing that is one of the strong tools we have against her becoming violent is remembering how bad it makes her feel after she calms down and thinks about it. She went to school with only a little bit of reservation. This was the last week of school before the Winter break. I had emailed her IS letting her know how things went and Penelope's concerns about kids bothering her. I also mentioned that Penelope had been tardy 3 times last week with no detentions. I reminded her to look at it as Penelope testing to make sure the safe boundaries are still in place. She said she'd handle it. Penelope was given a detention later that day for the following day.

Her unofficial hearing was scheduled for the 15th. I had talked to her Trauma Therapist about an appropriate consequence. She recommended that Penelope have to work directly with the less fortunate. She needs a lesson in how hard some people really have it. I couldn't agree more. I asked my Dad to come to the hearing with us. I was concerned about it just from the standpoint that I could have been lied to by the police officer like last time.

But it ended up being more informal that I understood it to be. The "Magistrate" is an attorney acting as a "Legislative Counselor" or something like that. There wasn't any prosecutor. Before the actual hearing, I told the officer what Penelope's therapist recommended for punishment. He wanted me to tell the attorney before the hearing. While Penelope and my Dad waited in the lobby, I went in the room with him. We were using a room that had a bunch of tables and chairs. The attorney sat at a table that was set up at the front of the room. The police officer introduced me to the attorney and told him what I had said. I explained the rationale behind this consequence versus a standard picking up trash or something. He had asked if she had ever committed a crime before. I said that she had been charged before, which was one of my concerns, because she was determined incompetent to stand trial and I didn't want that to get in the way of her having consequences for her actions but also respect that as well. I explained that her incompetence isn't because she isn't smart - she understands everything, but her emotional age is very young and that's what caused that determination. He asked what her charge was? I hesitated. This was the question I feared by bring up her incompetency issue. I went ahead and answered. "Rape." His and the officer's eyes went kinda big. Then the attorney said "Well, that information is confidential..." At this point we were ready to have the hearing so Penelope and my Dad came in. Penelope had to sit on a chair set up directly across from the table in front of the attorney. The police officer stood to the side near the front of the room. A woman from Youth Services was there in the back (and heard the Rape thing), and then my Dad and I. The attorney did a little bit of formal speak to declare why we were there, that Penelope has a right to an attorney and who he was. He announced the charge. Penelope right away said "I did it." Which was good. I had told her that she was going to have to tell him if she agrees or disagrees with the charges. I guess she wanted to get it out of the way. He made note and began to ask her a bunch of questions. He was nice to her and explained why it was wrong and pretty much had the talk we all have had with her. But you could tell from Penelope's perspective SHE WAS LISTENING. There was just the right amount of official-ness to send home a good message without sending her over the edge.

He determined her sentence as 40 hours of community service, with 20 hours of it suspended as long as she has no more problems for 1 year. He explained that to her to make sure she understood. She was definitely talking young but said enough to let him know she is intelligent. He said that the community service was going to be working directly with the needy and that he was referring her to Youth Services to get that time completed. He also told Penelope that she may actually enjoy the work and could continue to do it beyond the required time if she wanted.

We met with the woman from Youth Services the following week. She did kind of an assessment of Penelope. I don't know how else to explain it. Asked her questions about what she does, how she feels etc. We talked about the type of service we want her to do and limitations (obviously not working with little kids) but I said she'd have to have someone with her who can help her cope if she becomes overwhelmed or scared. She was going to call me the next day. That was a little over a week ago and I haven't heard from her but it's been the holidays so I don't care. Penelope has until 3/1/11 to get her hours in. She gave me a couple copies of a form to have signed if I find something for Penelope to do myself. I just want to get through the Winter break and then we will work on that.

Getting Settled

Finally! Internet. I just dropped Penelope off at school this Monday morning and am going to sit here and write before I tackle my day. We've been here for almost 3 weeks now. My mom hasn't moved in yet but only because we don't have the internet situation completely finalized. They came to install it and realized that this pseudo senior citizens home doesn't have any cable ready outlets and we will need to get permission from the HOA to access the attic to run wires and things like that. We have internet but it's a box in my dining room with another box that has a big cable that lays across the floor and runs into the living room so that we have digital cable TV. Got to have TV.
Oh, and we have a phone line - required for the TV or the internet or something, for some reason. But we don't have any phones. This is for good reason. Penelope would be calling everyone and anyone she had a phone number to at all hours of the morning or night when she felt the need. She would leave distressful phone messages that are alarming, if she didn't reach them. She would talk about how totally lonely and scared she was. Or how mean someone was to her - usually to the point the listener would question whether it was abusive or not. I'm not making this up. She's done this before, as recent as this summer at my parent's house. We were getting concerned phone calls. We had to remove the phones from the house in an effort to prevent undue stress on our friends.
I think the new-ness is starting to wear off for her. The first two weeks went very well and she seemed happy about things. Acting rather normal actually. Then this past Monday we were FINALLY having the closing. It was to be in the condo at 5pm. Penelope, with my approval, had asked the neighbor if she could walk her dog, who happens to also be named Penelope. It was a cute rambunctious small white dog. It didn't occur to me, for some stupid reason, to set parameters to this walk. I assumed, for some stupid reason, that Penelope would know that she shouldn't go far and shouldn't take too long. After an hour, the neighbor knocked on the door wondering if they were back. She had already walked around the building looking for them but didn't see them. I too was wondering what was taking so long but I wasn't as concerned just because I knew they were safe, just Penelope pushing the boundaries. But she has this woman's dog and she doesn't know us from anyone other than her new neighbors. I told her I'd go look for them. She said, politely, that she wasn't worried about my Penelope but concerned her Penelope had run off or something because she is so rambunctious. Penelope can handle this little dog. I wasn't concerned it was this, but I didn't want to go into the "Yeah I know I let her take your dog but NOW I'm going to tell you about the girl who has your dog." I figured she'd be back any minute. I had to gather the garbage bags to take to the garbage and on the way out I would get in the car and drive around. I called my parents, who were on there way for the closing, and told them the situation and to pick her up if they pass her. Shortly later, while I was walking to my car to go find the Penelopes, my Mom called from the Middle School where they found her with the dog. It was only about a half mile away but further than they needed to have gone. I didn't want to have this be the start of our relationship with our new neighbor, who also happens to be the Power of Attorney for the seller for the closing. I told my Mom "I don't want the neighbor to know about this. How are we going to explain this?" She then said "It seems it's out of our hands, she is up here too and is talking to Penelope and your Dad." Great! She said that the woman put her dog in the car and it seems Penelope is riding with her also. I just went back up to our condo to wait. Penelope and the neighbor and the dog came up to our floor and the dog seemed fine and so did the lady and Penelope. I don't know if she was being polite but the lady seemed fine. I tried to act like it wasn't a big deal - maybe it wasn't? I said "I bet your Penelope will sleep well tonight after such a long walk." The woman said "She probably loved it after me keeping her cooped up all the time in our condo." She said that Penelope can walk her dog any time. I'm thinking "Really??" Well, we will see about that. I do take responsibility for it because I should have set parameters for Penelope, where to walk her and for how long. It's easy to fall into that trap of treating a 13 year old like a 13 year old when they have recently started to act like a 13 year old. I had a lapse in judgment.
The next day was a busy day for us. Penelope didn't have school and my twin brother was planning on meeting our Dad over here to move up the rest of the heavy items from the garage. I wasn't here to see it because I had to attend a Parent/Teacher conference and then right after that go and meet with the woman who is going to help me start my own contract business.
The Parent/Teacher conference went well. It is an invite only based on if a teacher wanted to have a conference with you or not. Alllllll of Penelope's teachers wanted a conference. Even the school nurse was there. But they were all so warm about Penelope and just want to help her succeed. It was great to hear there openness. I thanked them for that. My experience with her 5th grade teachers really puts in perspective when we have a great group of teachers. Her 6th and 7th grade teachers have been awesome. Her 5th grade math teacher was awesome too - I just had to put that in there. Anyway, Penelope's biggest problem in school is probably socially. She doesn't like to do her school work and her grades reflect it, but it's all about her self-esteem which is greatly impacted by her social problems. We really didn't get into it, but it's what I've put together based on my conversation with them and with Penelope afterward.
Her Science/Social Studies teacher brought up the fact that he has a hard time getting Penelope to do her work. He said "It's not like she is mean about it. She doesn't even say 'No.' She will say "Okay" but then still do something else. Or she will say "It's okay the way it is." This is a common thing this year. She will have a project that has a short list of requirements to meet within the project and she will either not include all the requirements or do it in a completely different way and when her teacher says "It's great but it's not quite finished as you need to..." She will say "It looks finished to me" or "I'm done with it" and that's the end of it. Another thing she does is she refuses help. This is usually a means to avoid the work as she lies about how much of it is done or how she has done it. She had a paper due today in Social Studies that had a completely different version about a week ago. The class had all this research time and time in class to work on it. Her teacher kept offering to help her with it. Penelope kept declining saying that she had it almost done and she was excited about it and it was great etc. The teacher wanted to see it. Penelope didn't want to show it to her. The teacher insisted. The project was suppose to be a historical fiction story about ancient China. Penelope wanted to write about a Chinese princess she created. She copied and pasted 3 Chinese princess short stories that had nothing to do with eachother from the internet. The reason she chose 3 stories is because that's how much she needed in order to get enough to meet the number of pages requirement. I saw it at this Parent/Teacher conference. I don't even think Penelope read them or reviewed it to try to transition from one story to the next. Obvious plagiarism. Her teacher asked her "Did you write this?" Penelope said "Oh yes." Her teacher told her she knows of one of the stories because it's in their literature textbook. Penelope dropped her head down, obviously busted. The teacher talked to her about what decisions Penelope should have made that would have made her life a ton easier. With that, they began her project over again. With less than a week to go.
Another issue in school is that Penelope didn't want to work with anyone when she was paired up. Not that she wanted to work alone, it's just that she always had a problem with whomever she was partnered with. Lastly, she always turned her classwork and projects in late. What she turned in was good work, but she wouldn't get full credit because it was late. And that's if she turned it in at all. Her Science/Social Studies teacher said "Is this part of Penelope's ... thing?" Which made me laugh "Thing" being disorder. Then he said "Do you have any insight or suggestions on how to best help her?" I love that question from a teacher. I'm just the ignorant parent but not in this room. I said "The issue I'm hearing is related to her emotional immaturity, which yes, is part of who Penelope is right now. She still views things in absolutes. I can see her not want to work with certain kids because she sees their flaws. They either did something negative to her or she perceives something about them negatively. She doesn't appreciate that everyone has good AND bad qualities and that being different can bring something new to the table. For example, she knows that smoking is bad so she views people who smoke as being bad people. Not a good person with a bad habit. Also, she says every year that her goal is to get straight As. Which is great on one hand, but for Penelope, if she isn't going to get an A, she just isn't going to do it. Which then when she gets overwhelmed or feels like it's too hard, she very easily just gives up. And then of course, there is a part of her that just avoids hard work and wants to take the easiest route for things." All her teacher's found this insightful. I'm not sure how they are going to use this information to help her but they seemed to have a new perspective on how to address her. We briefly talk about other things, like Penelope's limp and whether it was gone. It was, once she learned that she wouldn't be allowed to play with her friend at her Grandparents if she was still limping - as she will be resting it until it's healed. We talked about her tardies and that I was hoping it was getting better but it it seems to be getting worse again. We identified part of it is that Penelope doesn't want to be around the other kids waiting to be let in to the school. I think this was a big insight to her tardies. Her language arts teacher pointed out that the library opens up early each morning and that she could go there. I don't think she will be late again.
Very good meeting. After that, I headed up to Joanne's house, the woman who is going to be helping me with my business. In all I will be helping her too. It's taken a few weeks to get this meeting set up. She has been very ill. She was starting to get sick when I worked with her at the Cemetery. She is only 66 years old but she talks about it like she is ancient. But I'm sure she feels ancient with all her ailments. She has a elbow that she had broken and had surgery on but it didn't heal right. So they plan to take bone from her hip to repair her elbow. But they can't do that surgery until they figure out why she was filling up with fluids. They had her on a steroid. Well, you can't have surgery while on a steroid. Then she told me they had her on some kind of breathing treatment that damaged her esophagus. That was part of the delay. She had come down with laryngitis and I couldn't understand her at all on the phone. And she was sick. She sounded better two weeks later but still hard to understand on the phone. She said that she that they determined she has permanent damage and her voice may not get much better. I hope so, my gosh. It's much easier to understand her person but most, if not all, her work is over the phone so her ability to communicate is greatly hampered. Plus, her speech seems labored and painful. I wouldn't want to talk much if I were her. She said she also has progressive heart disease. She's already had a heart attach a few years ago. She said "I'm not dying, but I'm not well either." No kidding. So for her, I am the person who is going to be her backup to help her with her clients while she undergoes more treatment. I'm perfectly fine with that. It will be my way to learn and start my business while helping the person who is giving me this opportunity. Eventually she said that she will want to turn over her accounts to me when she retires. She doesn't have that many as she is already partially retired. But then she also has talked to a CPA about hiring me as well as her daughter who is VP at a firm that using contractors for project work for clients. I mean how great is all this! Not her health but all that she has already done for me! I spent about 3 hours with her as she taught me how to use the software she uses for her work. I picked it up very quickly. She kept commenting on how quickly it was and that she already can tell that this will be good for both of us. She had me do the work for one of her clients that she gets paid $150 for. She jokingly said "You don't expect to get that $150, do you?" I said "Of course not!" But we talked about, even at my pace right now, learning it and doing it, that's already $50/hour. Once I've learned it, I will be able to get it done in an hour. Sweet!
After we were done for the day, I was gathering my things and she asked "Can I ask you why you have your niece?" She knew only that I had my niece and she became ill at which time I quit my job and then got that (crappy) cemetery job because it was the first job offered to me. But she picked up that I was in the wrong place and needed help finding my way - as she put it. I said that I don't mind at all, as I always want to share our story because I think it's good for people to know what happens to these children that is so preventable. I explained our history including the times Penelope tried to kill herself as well as how she has abused her cousins, but also about her treatment and the amount of healing and potential she has for growth and even more healing. Joanne told me that it's not something she talks about, and doesn't want to talk about it now. That maybe someday in the future we can sit down and she will be ready to talk about it, but she didn't use to only have two children. She had another son but when he was 17 years old, he killed himself. She said there was something about me that pulled her to me and now she knows what it is. That even though she couldn't save her son, that she could help me and Penelope. It took everything in me to hold back my tears as it is right now just writing about it. I gave her a big hug and just thanked her. I could barely walk out the door. If there was ever a moment of doubt in God, and I've had them in my life, this is proof to me of his plan for us. Everything we do in life has reason and a purpose. The reason I was to have that cemetery job, as miserable as I was, was in order to meet Joann.
I left her house feeling very good about life in general. I phoned both my parents and told them how great both the Parent/Teacher Conference and the meeting with Joann went. I left out the ending of my visit with Joann as that's between her and I (and us anonymously). My task is to get certified for the software she was showing me and figure out how to get Unemployment to pay for it. Unfortunately, unemployment won't pay for it. The certification is free, with membership to their Professional Advisor Program. The membership is $500. Ugh. But I digress.
The next day was EMDR Therapy and it went well. She did positive reinforcement with Penelope. She said what she wants to do is every other session would strictly be positive stuff as she has learned that sticking to the trauma every week for kids Penelope's age tends to get an avoidance reaction. I can see that. It's painful. She said that the reaction Penelope had at the previous EMDR, which I guess I hadn't posted on here yet, was normal for EMDR. The goal is to take her to the edge but not to let her go over. Penelope was working on the event of her rape when she was about 6 or 7 years old. She became very scared than immediately defensive/aggressive with the therapist. Angry with her for making her think about it. Penelope had done EMDR on other negative events in her life but nothing of this magnitude. I wasn't expecting Penelope to act that way but understood and just let the therapist lead. It was hard not to get upset myself knowing and witnessing how hard this was for her.
Her therapist told me that she plans on working on trauma with Penelope's parents next week. I'm excited by this because I think it is so important for Penelope to process this trauma in order to be reunited with them and continue to heal. She asked if I had a problem with it being the week of Thanksgiving. I told her that I am concerned being that Penelope has trouble with holidays overall but I also know she has been doing much better this season than before. But overall, it's been my big concern, how to get Penelope through the holidays. So I have mixed feelings.
Thursday she had Attachment Therapy and neurofeedback. The nuerofeedback again went really well, a new all time low again. In AT we just talked about how hard we see her working and how we are all here to help her - to reinforce the message from her teachers and the healing she gets from the hard work she does. At the end of therapy she started to complain of feeling really sick to her stomach. Her face had a flushed look on it and she felt nauseous. We ended it and the AT gave us a small garbage bag, just in case. I sent Penelope to the car to lie down while I paid for the session. When I went to the car I caught Penelope in the beginning of the vomiting. Found a dumpster, dumped the bag and somehow drove the hour drive without her yacking in the car. She had passed out.
I kept her home on Friday. She felt a ton better but was depressed. Depressed all weekend actually. Not sure if she was really sick or what happened. Can neurofeedback do that to you? I know I can get headache nauseous at the drop of a hat and neurofeedback would do that to me I would think. Anyway, all weekend she reverted back to babyish talk. She was stressing out. It's that paper that is due today. We had already talked about us working on it together. Still stressed her out. It stressed her out to the point that she wanted to quit school - or at least this school and she hated the fact that we moved. She has no friends "I'm the nerd at school, Mommy." She claimed that she wasn't stressing about Thanksgiving, interesting enough.
One thing is the house went to hell in a handbag this weekend. She was very VERY needy all weekend so little got done. Plan is to have the place ship shape by the time she gets home. Hopefully a clean organized house equals a clean organized mind. I know it's calming to me. And if Mother is happy, children are happy - right? I need to get her back on track so she continues to have good days.

1st week without working

Other than Monday, I've been really busy actually. Today I will have some time to do things that weren't scheduled but Monday I watched a bit of TV which was nice. I told myself I would do more exercising as part of my new dedication to start taking care of myself better. I was planning on walking in the mornings after dropping Penelope off at school. But it's cold! So I decided to walk to school to get Penelope and walk home with her. She likes walking home but isn't allowed to do it by herself. She has had some on/off again relationships with the girls that live by us so it just isn't in the cards. She was soo excited that I surprised her to walk home with her. She just seemed shocked. It was kind of funny though because I could tell she was planning on doing some "I'm hurt" somatic stuff expecting one of my parents to be picking her up. When she first saw me standing there not knowing I didn't drive, she was sort of limping and pointed to her big toe that was bandaged. When I expressed concerns about walking home, she straightened right up. She said it felt a lot better.
I used this opportunity of walking her home to tell her that I was let go from my job but that it's okay. She was a little concerned, but I told her that I wasn't happy there, that I will be entitled to unemployment while I look for something that would be better for us - probably start that business I told her about, and that I would get to spend much more time with her - like walk her home from school! She really liked it. She wanted to hold my hand the entire way home. I said "In front of your classmates walking? Aren't you concerned about them making fun of you?" She said "Oh no. I don't care. I want to hold your hand." How sweet is that?
By the time we got home we were exhausted. I know I was. I just walked a little over 2 1/2 miles and I am totally out of shape. Actually I was running late getting out of the house so I did the first half to get there in about 20 minutes. It was funny because we both went into my room and sprawled face up across my bed under the ceiling fan. We could feel our heart beats in our chest. Then Papaw walked in not a minute later and went into the kitchen. He was bringing food over from George's house (since he's in jail) so we could use it before it goes bad. Penelope didn't know it was from George's but I did. He saw us laying there on my bed and laughed at us. He asked "Who is more exhausted and out of shape?" We both pointed to eachother. We all just laughed. He had brought a huge 5 lb package of ground chuck that George had bought. He said we needed to use it quick before it expires. He said he also put a hole in the plastic with his thumb accidentally. I had to go to the store to buy things to cook with it. So Penelope and I went to the store and bought some chili making stuff (Penelope's favorite), some spaghetti stuff, stuff to go with hamburgers, and storage bags for all this food. I am going to have soooo much food! There is no way I'm going to be able to use this whole 5 lbs! We get home and Penelope is excited about having our family recipe chili. I pull the big package of meat out to start the chili and I started to inspect it. With a closer eye it looks a funny color brown and the "Sold or freeze by" date is 9/28/10. It's 10/18/10... ewwww! I called my Dad. "Hey! Did you know the sold or freeze by date is 9/28/10?" He says, "Yeah, 9/28 right... oh wait, it's October. Oh no, you need to pitch that." I'm thinking 'Ugh..great Dad.' I said "I just bought a bunch of food that requires ground meat. Okay, I'll figure out something. No biggie." He says, "And the more I think about it, I don't know if I put that hold in it or not. I think it was there already." I said "Okay.. thanks anyway." Great Dad... No biggie. We had meatless spaghetti for dinner. Penelope was disappointed but she loves spaghetti too. It was funny though. I love him for his effort.
Tuesday was my Uncle's funeral. Not an Uncle I was very close with but only because he was always so quiet and how close can a girl growing up get close to a strange man who doesn't say anything to her. But I love my Aunt a lot and I feel for her loss and feel for the loss for my two cousins. I can't imagine losing my Dad. They handled it very well but there Dad was very sick for the last 3 years and now is with God and knows no pain. They were ready for him to have relief.
I left Penelope in school for this event. She is so hypersensitive. Seeing a dead person would just make her a wreck and my fear was her acting inappropriate or asking inappropriate questions. She hadn't seen her Great Uncle since since she was like 4 or 5 and probably never said a word to him. Plus, my twin brother wouldn't have come and that wouldn't have been fair for him.
The whole event lasted from 11:00 until about 5:00 between the visitation, the funeral home service, the interment at the cemetery, and food back at the church. My mom and I missed his interment because we had to go pick up Penelope at school.
After that we had to go back to my parents' house because I needed to fax off some paperwork for unemployment and also look for my jury duty paperwork. I received a letter in the mail Sunday night saying I needed to report for federal jury duty on Wednesday. I'm so glad they sent me something because I had totally forgot to call in and check the past 2 Fridays to see if I had to report. I have been so bad about my jury duty. I registered like 3 weeks late, then forgot to check to see if I had to report and if you don't report or anything, you can get a big fine and maybe jail time it said. I found out later that they will send a Marshall to your home and/or work and force you to report and you could end up holding up the whole day for everyone else. Yikes! It's not that I don't want to perform my civic duty because I do! I guess I just have so much on my plate that my brain stopped being selective about what I do and don't forget, important or not.
I couldn't find it at my parents, so Penelope and I came home. I couldn't find it at home either! I tried to call in and see if I can access whether or not I had to report on Wednesday or not (as the letter said to still check the night before and the morning of in case the case settles). It wouldn't let me check without my participant number. My mom ended up finding it at their house! Found out I do have to report. So Papaw has to come to my house by 7am to take Penelope to school so I can be at the courthouse downtown by 8am. There was 50 of us there at which time I learned about the whole Marshall thing. Thank goodness. The federal court building in downtown Cincinnati is beautiful on the inside. So was the court room. I was one of the lucky "18" who got to sit in the jury box for jury selection. The rest had to sit on the wood benches. They were nice wingback chairs that raised and lowered and had a foot rest. We had a few breaks and lunch. It was interesting what people were attracted to me. Everyone was nice, because we are all in this together I guess. The beautiful black gay man came over to me during our first break and struck up a conversation. Then during the lunch break a nice old woman came up to me who seemed totally out of her element, never comes into the city, definitely from a rural area in Ohio. She is a part time nurse at a nursing home. She wanted me to have lunch with her. I only knew that there was a Chipotle nearby that I really wanted to go to. She had never had Chipotle. I told her about it and she seemed up for it. I told her I would be okay with going somewhere else, I just don't really know what our options are. She was okay with it. She just wanted a salad. I told her I don't know about their salad but there other food is good. I felt bad because she seemed so out of place there. It was loud and busy and her salad was spicy she said. But she kept saying it was good and she ate most of it. I love Chipotle's burrito bowl. Love it.
The rest of the time the beautiful black gay guy and I hung out. He was funny and I called him "Number 18" because that was his juror number and he thought that was funny. A woman who also was black came up to us and was talking with us. She was complaining about the court reporter because she kept making her repeat herself because she talks.. well black and sometimes it's hard to understand her. I do think the court reporter was getting a little mean about it but I'm thinking... why are the only two black people hanging out with me? I'm so vanilla, with my (before Penelope) Coach purse and preppy outfit, what is it about me that attracted them to me? I'm not upset by it by any means, I enjoy all people as long as they are nice, and goodhearted. I'm glad actually. Both my brothers always told me I am a snob. Mostly George. But he is not nice or goodhearted so ... I get that. But I always thought I naturally repelled most people because of my conservative appearance. It was nice and I actually left the day in a very upbeat mood having been "accepted" by people that are different from me. I didn't get "accepted" as a juror which I was disappointed about. Not that I don't have enough on my plate but I thought it would be a great learning experience. I have to call in this Friday to see if I have to report next week, and I won't forget this time! But then that's it for now.
Thursday, I dropped Penelope off at school and went over my twin brother's to watch my nephew while my brother took his daughter on her field trip. It was just until my Dad could relieve me so I could go to lunch with some old co-workers' who wanted to take me to lunch as a send off. My nephew and I played Lego StarWars on XBox and Wii Resort games. My nephew is so funny. When we were playing Lego StarWars, he was starting to get bored (probably because I stunk at it) and changed his character to C3PO and wanted me to take my lightsaber and hit him 3 times. Just 3 times. The forth time would kill him. Three times cuts each arm off and a leg. So when he moves around he is armless with sparks coming out of the sockets and hopping around on one leg. He just thought that was the funniest thing! The boy CRACKS ME UP! Here is a picture of him playing Wii.
While I was there, my old boss texted me a picture of my new replacement at work sitting at my desk. He's a bit of a jokester. The other Asst. Manager is really into Halloween and brought this guy in. I responded by saying that he is better looking than me. Probably will be able to sell more. He is definitely closer in age to the clientelle. Have more in common with them.
I showed my nephew and he faked screamed and said it was scary. Boys.
I went and met my old boss and co-worker for lunch. It was good seeing them. Listening to them talk a little shop made me even more excited about not working there. It was their call night and no body is having luck selling anything and the Regional VP is having a mandatory conference call with the whole region about sales. I've sat in on a couple of those and they are NO fun. He only has them when the region is behind. You are expected to work the entire weekend and go door knocking. I won't miss that. I tried to hide my happiness so I wasn't rubbing it in.
Then after that I picked up Penelope from school and we headed to attachment therapy. It was a good session. This was the second AT session I've gone to in a row and her AT said her brain waves during neurofeedback were down last week compared to others. I told her that Penelope still views moving as bad but I do think it's just because she hasn't gotten to see the place yet. The other day she had said how it's bad we are moving and I said "Well lets go drive by and look at it again." We were on the way to the store anyway. But until she can envision her stuff in her room she is having a hard time, very anxious about it and it affects her sleep and her ability to cope. Soon though! Closing was either going to be today or Monday. It's not today so I'm hoping Monday. My mother gave me the impression it might not be Monday either. Ugh! I just hope it happens period. I'm not going to be that picky. It just needs to happen so we don't have to rent and SOON. Please! Anyway, I digress.
The other topic that I wanted to bring up was a short conversation Penelope and I had earlier in the week. I asked Penelope if she would want to start going back to church now that we are not spending whole weekends with Grandma and Papaw? She said she didn't want to. Basically, she gets really anxious in church where she is short of an anxiety attack, which I do remember. We talked about why she thinks she gets so anxious. It's two fold. One, she is angry with God for letting the bad things happen to her. Second, she is afraid she isn't good enough to go to church, that she doesn't deserve to be there. I asked why she feels she doesn't deserve to be there. She said because of the bad things that she has done. Her AT said that actually is really good news to hear about her remorse. She is growing a conscience. She cares! She does want to talk to Penelope about this because it's so important she learns from these feelings.
This is where the fact her therapy is at a Catholic agency really comes in handy. We are not Catholic but Christian. Her AT totally respects all religious beliefs. She beautifully explained God's love for Penelope and told biblical stories of forgiveness, and God's own suffering to show us his love that brought me to tears. We talked about how positive growth can come from our own suffering and bad choices to makes us stronger people. Her AT told her how she will be able to help others through her experiences. It reminds me of something I had heard in church a while ago that was said by a guest speaker. He said "God gives us our strengths, not for us, but for others." It all is interlinked and very important in this message for Penelope. I could tell Penelope was listening and the message that her AT was giving her really sunk in because of how still she sat and the expression on her face. Forgiving herself is going to be one of her biggest challenges.
Now today I am finishing up this post and going to go out into this work and FIND BOXES for moving. :) Haven't started packing yet. Oh, and I have to make Penelope's costume for Halloween soon too. And then at 3pm I'm taking my niece to the park to celebrate her birthday just her and I (since I couldn't go to her birthday party because of Penelope not allowed to go) and then around 5pm until late I am spending the entire evening with my niece and nephew. What to do what to do... Grandma is picking up Penelope and taking her home. I need to pack her and I a bag for that and we are going to stay at my parents tonight. I get to see the kitties! All is good. I'm not even nervous waiting for something bad to happen. Is that the anti-depressant working or just things going that well?

Unemployment

Welp, my employment was terminated at the cemetery today. Not much of a "coffin" salesperson as Penelope calls me. Not my calling as my Manager tells me. Couldn't agree more. So now I get to collect unemployment. So another 1st in my life I can check off my bucket list. haha. But seriously, everyone was super great about it. My Manager and the two Asst. Managers all offered me letters of reference.
Fortunetly, I was able to get in my doctor's appointment for a full physical, and related prescriptions before I was let go. Going to start taking better care of myself. During this stint of unemployment, I've told myself I'm going to start exercising and using my time more wisely. I am not as depressed as I was a year ago so it should be easier.
So now there is nothing getting in my way of starting my own consulting company. I am suppose to have lunch with this woman who is going to help me get up and running. I will call her tomorrow to tell her of my new status. Penelope doesn't know yet but I will tell her. She was having a hard time today. I think it's related to us moving but not knowing when and all that. She's been having some real fits of rage lately - two this week. Not bad but she is usually pretty good about keeping her rage in check. Just got to get moved and start this new chapter of our lives.
Pretty short post this time. Not too much to say tonight. Maybe later. I just took my wonderful anti-depressants and I need to get to bed before the side effects kick in. Should be stronger since I asked for an increase.

Now George is in Jail

Too much to deal with. I have been through every emotion and back. I feel either numb, or everything. Like standing in a rain storm that hurts your skin but then gets to a point where you just feel everything but without the pain. I found out George is in jail last night. He has been there since Saturday night. He is being charged with 2nd degree felonious assault. Him and a few of his "friends." They all belong to an outlaw biker gang that I'm not going to name here. He is probably going to be going to jail for a while. Him and his buddies tracked down a couple guys from a rival gang and a fight commenced and a few people got stabbed. People had guns, knives and clubs/bats. Did George stab anyone? I don't know. From what I understand, he was driving the getaway vehicle. So I'm sure charges like fleeing the scene, resisting arrest, and aiding and embedding will be considered as well.
Penelope of course doesn't know. My poor parents are beside themselves. He wanted them to post the bond to get him out of jail. The bond would be the same amount as the down payment for the condo we are trying to get. I don't even think it was a consideration. My Dad said "He's 43 years old. If this is the life he wants to have, than he is on his own." I agree but I know how hard that is for my parents. They have tried so hard for years to get him on his two feet. Every time they turn around, it's something else. He gets remarried, his wife beats his daughter and steals all his money. They have him live in their investment property and manage his bills for him. When he doesn't have enough, they pay. I've taken in his daughter, because he can't parent. But it's even been before the past few years. He was always needing them to save him from as early as I can remember. But he joins the KKK and that blows up in his face with the custody of his daughter. Now, he joins this gang and he expects what? The thing is, I'm not terribly surprised. A couple of years ago, I was helping him manage his workers' comp claim and had access to his emails. I came across a weird email from an old friend of his where George was trying to get a hold of someone they both used to know who was a member of this gang. His old friend told George in her email that she didn't want to be any part of it because it's too dangerous and she didn't want to expose her new life, new family and son to that part of her past life. Her email made her sound very scared. My initial thought was "Now what is he trying to do? I can't let him be near Penelope when he's messing around dangerous people again." So I did what any little sister does. I ratted him out to our parents. It turned into one heck of an argument. He called me and told me what a despicable person I was for snooping in his emails. That it was NONE of my business who he hangs out with and who his friends are. I said that it was my business because he could expose Penelope to that (like he did with those people that abused her and that he socialized with!) He said that he is a grown man (yeah right!) and he can do whatever he wants. Penelope is HIS daughter and he can do anything he wants around her. Yes - he actually said that! H.E. C.A.N. D.O. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G H.E. W.A.N.T.S. A.R.O.U.N.D. H.E.R....
No. He can't. And now I'm not the only one who feels that way, so does the justice system as it seems. My dad said "He could go away for 10 years, and that would be a life sentence for him." George has health problems that will only get worse in jail.
And Harriet knows. Not an hour after I found out Monday night from my Dad, I get an email from her saying she is sorry to hear about him, "What was he thinking? Geez." Then "Are you going to tell Penelope? I don't think that would be good for her." Ya think? Then around 1am she emails me again "If I were you I'd call child support and let them know. Not to be mean or anything but I don't think he has any need for it now." And then yesterday afternoon she emails me saying "Be careful. I don't know if goes after family of but if I were you I'd keep my eye out." Then a little later "Penelope is safe though. They don't go after children." What the heck! I hate her. She is crazy and drama. But just shows what a selfish dysfunctional person she is. Here is her daughter's father who her daughter loves and stupid as he is, him being in jail will devastate Penelope. If he is in jail for a short time, she will not need to know but if he goes away for years, she will have to be told. And here she is just thinking of ways to be drama about it. If it happened to her, I'm sure George would be the same way but I don't have to put up with George. Not like I have to put up with Harriet. At least my parents have been an umbrella for that. I do hope George the best in this time of chaos but I don't need it. Penelope certainly doesn't either.

Telling Penelope

A couple of things went down the past couple of days. First, we had the home inspection (sorta) on the condo. We felt comfortable enough having my twin brother do the inspection because he knows everything there is to know about this kind of stuff, and the exterior/structure is the HOA's responsibility. I decided to meet him, my Dad, who is there to see it for the first time as well as be my brother's helper, and Mom who is the realtor, over at the condo for the inspection. It was a little bit of a circus. My brother immediately went to work checking outlets and inspecting things. I'm trying to show my Dad the place while he's trying to play Mr. Inspector as well. It's just funny because my brother HATES when he helps do any kind of fix-it or home repair work. Or even like those put-it-together pieces of furniture, he messes it up. He says he's like a bull in a china shop. He tends to break things. Anyway, I was showing him the kitchen and he turns the water on and off, looks in the frig, and we end at the stove. It's an antique stove. It's a Frigidaire electric stove with an oven underneath and one above with a glass front door. My Mom, Dad, and I are standing around it and my Dad says "Turn it on. We have to check it out too." As I am closest to the knobs which are to the right of the oven above, I turn on the burners. He says, "Turn the ovens on too. We have to check everything." I turn the knobs halfway. He said, "Let's let them get hot and we will come back." and we left to go check out the bedrooms. A little later I asked, "What's the smell?" My dad says "It's just getting hot." My brother gets around to the kitchen and goes to open the oven below. Smoke billows out. No fire, but the woman who owns the condo stored her wood dishrack in the oven and it's smoken! He shuts the door real quick and turns all the knobs to off. He stands there shaking his head like "Great!" I said "Maybe we can put it in the sink and run it under water." He says "It's going to keep billowing smoke." I said, "We have to get it out. But I'm sure there are is a fire alarm in here. Let's disarm it first." He said "No. I'll just run this outside." So he gets something to grab it, opens the oven, grabs it and runs it outside. I take a dish towel and fan all the smoke to disperse it so it doesn't set off any alarms. My brother comes back all judgemental, "Who decided to turn the oven on before checking it?" My dad said "Who puts a wood drying rack in their oven?" I told him I turned it on but only because Dad told me too. I said "Mom was there too." He just shook his head at us "I can't believe you didn't check the oven." I told him, "It never occurred to me. Mom and Dad never stored things in there oven. I would never do that. You know how bad my memory is. I'd burn something up. I'd only consider storing a pan or something that would go in there anyway." He said "My wife's family stores things in their ovens all the time so I'm used to checking." The place smelled like burnt wood. Like campfire.

Now we had to decide what to do about it. My Mom had been on the phone almost the entire time we were there with the mortgage broker talking about this and that. Mainly about whether or not we were at a safe stage we could tell Penelope. My Mom is fearful to tell her too soon because with the market the way it is, she has seen a lot of deals fall through. But usually it's due to the buyer doing something stupid, like go out and buy a living room set 12 months same as cash, before the closing. My Mom explained how Penelope is and that we can't tell her unless we know it's going to happen. The mortgage lender, probably playing it real safe, suggested not telling her until the loan is "Clear to Close" which doesn't happen until just a couple of days before a closing. Ugh! That can't work. I honestly wanted to tell her the day of the home inspection as it was an opportunity to get into the place and show her around so she didn't just have to take my word for it. But since we decided to go the free way and use my brother, and she can't be around him due to what she's done to him and his family, that wasn't going to happen. Plus it was during the school day.

The wood dish drying rack didn't catch fire but the underside that was touching the oven rack was scared pretty bad. I recommended taking it with us and leaving a note with 10 dollars. She's moving to Mexico and isn't taking any of this stuff with her. She is having an auction house sell it. My Dad wanted to put it back and act like we didn't know it happen. geesh! My brother didn't like either of our ideas but didn't have any suggestions. I said we should ask Mom since she's the realtor. She was still on the phone and had parked herself out on the balcony, next to the table my brother put the burnt dish rack. We motioned to her that we were going downstairs to check out the laundry area and garage. We looked in on the 3 car garage. My spot is in the middle. Then we went over to the laundry area and were trying to figure out which set of washer/dryers belonged to our condo. Each condo had it's own area in the ground level with a large storage closet. My Mom, still on the phone, found her way down to us. She finally got off the phone. We asked her which washe/dryer. We tried to figure it out and we thought we knew but weren't sure. Then I asked "Also, what are we going to do about the burnt rack?" My Mom said "What burnt rack?" Seriously? It was like a comedy skit. Both my brother and Dad were like smacking their foreheads, "Ohh. You were that oblivious on the phone?" "You couldn't smell it? You didn't see the smoke? You were sitting right next to it on the balcony!" My mom is going "What? What?" It was too funny. We asked her to call the sellers agent to find out which washer/dryer was ours. We had already looked at both in that section of the basement and were concerned because the older pair's dryer didn't have a vent hose or water bucket thingy - which needs to be addressed regardless but not by the seller if it's not hers. Anyway, while she is on the phone she tells the agent about the burnt rack. Again my brother and Dad are smacking their foreheads "Noo!" not believing that she just told him. Too funny. But the good thing is, everything looked fine. There are a couple older windows but the rest are new, and there are a couple outlets that need to be replaced but the electricity is fine. Nothing worth mentioning for the purchase.

Friday morning while I'm at work, I get a phone call from the Asst. Principal. Great. Now what did she do. He is calling because it's October 1st, and he was told to get from me a copy of my lease agreement or something as I told them that I had to move by the end of September. I told him that the information I had was incorrect as I didn't understand the process but the house is still mine until at least the 15th so we are still there. I will not be moving until the 15th. I told him I could get a letter from the mortgage company to that effect if he wants but I can't provide a lease agreement. He sounded frustrated and said that it's not up to him if that is acceptable or not, that he was told to get a lease agreement. I said "But we are still living in our house." He said "Are you? That is another question I have to ask. Are you in fact living in your house?" I said "Yes." He said "Because Penelope says the reason she is tardy all the time is because of the long drive in from Indiana." Ugh. I said "We have stayed out there because they help me with her but we are living in our house." He sighed and said "Well, we need something saying you are living here by Monday or we have to release Penelope from school." I said "Okay." I'm sure it doesn't help that the school secretary is our next door neighbor and we never see her. So, I called my Dad. We haven't been able to stay in the house this last week because my Dad broke the front door knob off by using a hammer to lossen it because it was sticking, and he has since lost the back door key. Yesterday, Penelope had to climb through the bathroom window to open the front door from the inside. Anway, we are moving what stuff we have there back this weekend and my parents will just have to come to us and stay with us when needed.

Regarding when to tell Penelope, I emailed her attachment therapist and told her the situation and what the mortgage broker recommended. She agreed with me that it is better to tell her now, that the likelyhood is slim that it's not going to happen so it should be okay. Better to be honest. I agree. I hated not being able to tell her. So I decided to wait until this weekend to do it. I wanted to tell her while showing her where it is. But my parents are going out of town this weekend and I wanted them to be there to support her in this news. So I needed to tell her Friday. I was talking to my Dad while they were at the house and he had gone to the grocery store so he couldn't wait around for me to get off work and it would be a waste of gas for me to drive all the way out to their house to pick Penelope up just to take her back to our neighborhood for 10 minutes. My Dad offered to do it on the way home. We discussed it and I said to go ahead. He didn't think she would take it as badly as I envisioned. I talked to him about 45 minutes later and he said "You were right." She must have bursted into tears and sobbed. She said things like "But I don't want to move!" "I'm not moving!" But she got herself under control. He had put her on the phone and I could tell she'd been crying and she was talking in her baby-voice which is something that hasn't been too regular of a thing lately. She said "Mommy? I don't want to move..." I said "I know sweetie, but we have to. But I think you will love the place." She said "I know. Papaw told me about my big room and my own bathroom." She then she started saying things that gave me the impression she is already starting to accept it. "I can take a bath and not hold up the bathroom so you can take a shower." I said "Yep." But I could hear the fear in her voice.

When I got home, she was sitting on the couch with her teddy bear and baby blanket watching TV. When she saw me she said "Mommy!" and gave me a really tight long hug. She sounded scared. My Mom had printed off a bunch of colored pictures from the listing and I had drawn up a floor plan. I sat next to her and showed her everything. I pointed out the little drawers in her bathroom vanity. She really liked that. She said "I can put everything in those." I agreed. She said she would like the bathroom to be painted pink. She didn't like the violets the woman had painted on the walls in there. So it seems it's okay. That's a good thing.