Family Disconnection

My last post was pretty long and I know that’s a bit of a faux pas in blogging. That’s why I should blog more often. But I’ve never been one to be short with my posts.


The majority of the last one was about the visits with George and how Penelope has been coping with them, which was most important to get down. My challenges have been separate from Penelope, as of late. Connected, but not caused by her. She has been, for the most part, pleasant to be around. We have our moments - where I have to remind myself to be patient with her and then call her nasty names after we are separate. Okay, I’ve only done that twice. Some of these moments don’t resemble the moments in the past that remind me of her mental illness and draw out that part of me that just wants to ring her neck. I’d rather have those moments even though I think I handle the other ones better.

The thing that’s been on my mind the most lately is my deteriorating relationship with my twin brother. I need to start with the fact that I had decided to make 2012 a year to put some focus on me. To take better care of me. The first quarter of the year is almost over and I’m not where I should be but any progress, is progress right? I’m not going to feel guilty about it.

Anyway, one of those pieces is to try to have some fun. My list of friends is pretty short/non-existent. I could re-kindle some old friendships from before Penelope, before I dropped off the face of the earth, but then I think how I’d have to explain everything and their potential lack of understanding, and the awkwardness of it along with the awkwardness of how much I’ve changed and our paths have drifted so far apart. I’m not the high energy go-getter I used to be. I don’t do happy hours, or go on weekend trips, or have Sunday afternoon lunches with the girls anymore. I tried to keep up that part of my life after Penelope came to live with me, but I had so much on my mind, so emotionally raw with what was going on at home, I couldn’t contribute to the conversation or the fun anymore. I felt like a tag along, a empty vessel that was using up space at the lunch table we sat at. That’s the best I can explain it really. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling so I just distanced myself from them.

I have two friends. I don’t talk to them very much and they are not strong friendships really. One is Alice, who was the Volunteer Coordinator for the non-profit that Penelope did community service at – playing card games with mentally ill/previously homeless residents. She introduced me to, my now client, Chelsea. Alice is probably one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met. She is very involved in politics and knows EVERYBODY. She is a bit older than me but I tend to gravitate towards people older than me. Chelsea is my age and we don’t have much in common but we get along very well. Since Chelsea is my age, and my only “friends” my age are my twin brother and his wife, I thought to have a dinner party/game night or something like that with them. I didn’t want to tie it down to anything in particular. Just a get together. Chelsea is married so I told her to bring her husband. I told my brother that he could invite a couple of their friends that I’ve met that seem nice. After three attempts over about two months of trying to get this thing to happen, I gave up. My brother had cancelled on me at the last minute all three times. If he didn’t come, his wife wasn’t going to come and neither of them came, then their friends wouldn’t come, and that just left Chelsea and her husband and me embarrassed so I kept postponing it. After the 3rd attempt and failure I gave up. His reasoning was either work, too tired from work or he forgot about some other thing he had already committed to. In a conversation with my mother, I told her I wasn’t going to try to reschedule it this time. It was too embarrassing. This made her mad enough I guess that she called my brother at some point and told him as much. She confronted him about why he was blowing me off. You have to understand that when my Mom gets mad about something, she tends to mix in other things that make her mad and make it about her and how she feels about it. I don’t say that in a slam against her, it’s just something that I’ve learned about her that I have to pick through when I’m trying to understand an issue she is having. It had been about a week since my last cancelled get together, and she called me to tell me about this fight she had with him and how ticked off she was. She went on about how much she loves her grandchildren and would be there for them more if it wasn’t for his daughter-in-law. She never wants her around. She doesn’t want any of us around. She just wants him all to herself etc. etc. She goes on and tells me how when she asked him if the reason he has been cancelling is because of Penelope, that he said yes. She said “I asked him why are you not close to your sister anymore and he said ‘Because she still has Penelope’.” Then she went on to say how mad that makes her and that she will always be there for Penelope and I and that yes she is there more for Penelope than his kids but that’s because Penelope needs her more than his kids do…. I’m stunned at this point as she continues to ramble on about herself and just skim over what she said. So I said “Hold on. What did he say?” She said “He said he doesn’t want to be around you anymore because you still have Penelope.” My whole body went numb. “Because you still have Penelope…..” I said “Are you sure that’s what he said? I mean, are you sure he didn’t mean something else like because I have Penelope, it’s hard to get together? (understanding that he or his wife do not want to see her or have her around their kids)” She said “No. I asked him and he said that wasn’t it…. But don’t worry.. You know how he is. It’s not him, it’s his wife. She’s the one….” I don’t remember much after that. I was floored. Both by the revelation and by the delivery! I told her that I had to go. I was, at least planning on, going to sleep.

I didn’t sleep of course. I was devastated. I was full of all kinds of mixed feelings. Part of me was mad, but part of me understood even. I was afraid this was going to happen. I have been tip-toeing around this possible outcome. Making a point to not push my feelings about Penelope on him, or even discuss her to any extent. He asked me to do that a while ago. To not even say her name. My mom told me she purposefully talks about her with him and says her name because she thinks it’s wrong he asks us to. But I don’t agree. I don’t think we should tell him how to think about this. No one has the right, especially me. I picked her over him. I didn’t want it to come to that type of thinking, but it is what it is. Back when it happened, one of the extreme emotions I was having was anger. I told myself “I’m not going to let HER get between us (my brother and I).” I was so scared of loosing my twin brother in this. This decision I made to take Penelope in and help her.. was it worth losing my relationship with my twin brother over? Even with all that anger, I couldn’t answer that. So I made a point to not let it become a question or issue. I thought we had worked through it where we agreed not to let it ruin our relationship. But that was easier said than done. Over the first year following, we had a few arguments. You have to remember that the court proceedings dragged out a good 8 months. Each time there was a court hearing, it all came back up. He thought I was trying to get her off with no consequences. He felt she should be locked up in a mental institution. I had to tell him that wasn’t one of the possible consequences. They felt like, and still do I guess, feel like there really is no hope for her. Even though over time my anger subsided and I was able to look at the situation with more clarity, I felt like they had the right to his own feelings. I just prayed that whatever the consequence the courts handed down were not going to be permanently on her record or cause her more trauma. When her case was dismissed due to her lack of competence to stand trial, I grieved again. I knew that it didn’t give my brother and his wife justice, nor provided any help for her. Of course there was a part of me that was relieved too, because it could have been a worse conclusion too. I didn’t like not having the control over what happens to her and I didn’t trust the system to do it appropriately because of what we had experienced through the trial.

I always wondered how much he was going to blame me for what happened. Shouldn’t I have known? I have my own guilt from it of course. I really thought that was the issue to be worried about. Not that I still have her. That I made a choice. I thought he wouldn’t put that on me. Consider it a choice between her and him. That’s where most of my hurt is.. that he doesn’t care enough about me to not consider it a choice. To make it a choice by doing this. To have wanted me to give up on her. But then again, who am I to tell him how to think.

Petty Theft Charge

Okay, so Penelope is back to committing crime. Her school had been having a fundraiser selling handmade jewlery to raise money for poor kids in 3rd world countries. She had a couple of dollars on her and used it on to buy herself these little finger dolls and a hacky sack - so I thought. She then asked if she could have some money because she wanted to buy a necklace for me she saw. I say no to her alot so I thought that I needed to cave on this and I gave her 5 dollars the next morning when dropping her off to school. Later that day I received a phone call from Mrs. Brown, her Intervention Specialist from 6th grade. Penelope had gone to her during the lunch hour and showed her the stuff she had "bought" from the fundraiser. One of those items is a $30 necklace. Mrs. Brown knows I'm not working and would probably not give Penelope that kind of money. She questioned about the necklace and Penelope caved quickly. She also had a $4 bracelet and a two more finger dolls and the original 4 finger dolls and the hacky sack. Penelope tried to claim a "friend" gave her the hacky sack. But she couldn't remember the name of this friend. I told her later "Just talk to this friend and have her tell Mrs. Brown she gave it to you." Penelope said "She isn't like that! She doesn't like to help people out that way! Just ... never mind!" Sounds pretty guilty to me.

We determined that she may have bought the hackysack, but probably didn't. I told her teacher to return the hackysack because I don't think someone gave it to her and if someone did, it's just part of the consequence. She can't prove someone gave it to her and she already admited she didn't buy it. But she didn't buy the necklace. Mrs. Brown said she hadn't talk to anyone about it yet, she just wanted to talk to me first. I said she should certainly get whatever consequence is in the handbook but I also felt she needed something else, linked to the crime - I didn't know... maybe have to raise money for the fundraiser herself? I don't know...

It was at the end of the day and I knew Penelope would be walking home from school. I was concerned about this, that she might try to run away or something. She also likes to stop at this store and I had found out the day prior that she had asked the owners for a job. She wants to get paid in merchanise - jewlery. Yeah.. So trying to keep things normal I waited, impatiently for her to come home. I gave her plenty of time before I got in my car and started heading to school. I found her a couple of blocks away walking home. When she saw me she started wailing. The face of a 4 year old. I pulled into a church driveway near where she was and she got in the car sobbing. She claimed she was freezing, even though she had her winter coat on and everything. She said "Look at my hands! They are so red from being cold!" They weren't red at all. I asked her "So what happened today?" She said "Oh, Amy..." wanting to complain that she was being picked on by one of her classmates. I said "Not that Penelope, stealing the necklace." She claims she wanted to steal it for me. I don't know if I believe it but she does make me cards and tells me she loves me ALL THE TIME. Her anxiety. She felt that wanting me to have this necklace was a good enough reason to break the law. She gets it, from all the people that have told her so, that's it's not okay. But I really believe she disagrees. That or she feels that we will be less hard on her for the theft because it was out of love? I don't know.

She knew that she was going to find out her school punishment the next day. I woke her up a little early to give her plenty of time to get ready for school knowing there was going to be some dragging of the feet. Maybe it would have been better to wake her up late and have a mini fire drill out the door. I don't know. The closer the time got to when it was time to go to school, the slower she became, the more defiant she became. Then she declared "I'm not going to school today." I calmly pumped her up letting her know that I know it's going to be a hard day but she is strong enough and right now she just needs to get through it etc. We were about 15 minutes late getting to school, after about 3 times of having to talk her back in to going to school. "You can do it." When we reached the front of the school, she couldn't get out of the car she said. "I can't move my legs." "My book bag is too heavy.." Then she just busted out crying, in a very child like wail. I turned the car off and helped her take a binder out of her book bag for her to carry in her arms and walked her through the front door to the attendance desk. The school personnel working the desk could see I had a distressed kid on my hands I'm trying to transition into school and offered to call someone. No one was available right then. Her IS and the school guidance counselor were walking out of a meeting and saw us standing there. So did the school psychologist. They came over. Everyone was busy on the way to something else and was trying to figure out what to do. They kind of looked at me like "What do you want us to do?" I said "I could keep her at home today but I thought that might defeat the purpose...." The guidance counselor agreed. Good, I didn't really want to drop off this emotional child who probably wasn't going to be much of a student/learner today but she has to deal with the consequences. Her IS asked Penelope's if she could go to her locker by herself and put her books away and Penelope said "No." She wanted someone to go with her. So the IS walked her down. From what I gathered they were going to find a place for Penelope for the first couple bells to calm down and try to get the Asst. Principal to see her ASAP to get the dishing out of the consequence out of the way as it was obvious her anxiety was due to the unknown of what was going to happen.

I found out later that the meeting with the Asst. Principal didn't happen until that afternoon but Penelope made it through her classes (I guess.. I didn't get any calls but I also didn't get a response to my email asking how she coped with her day).

I did get a call from the Asst Principal letting me know that since this was Penelope's second time stealing at school, that instead of getting a one day in-school suspension, she was getting a 3 day out of school suspension, beginning the following day. So a Friday, Monday and Tuesday. A long 5 days. The other thing he told me is that the new principal is filing a police report and having her charged with theft. He is going to request that it be handled in our little city's Mayor's Court. It's not part of the County's judicial system so it wouldn't go on her record. The principal has found that this works getting kids to stop stealing, he said.

I picked up Penelope from school a little later and she was all teary eyed. Which I guess is better than all slap happy. Been there done that before. She didn't feel well she said. I brought some fruit to snack on for her during our 1 hour drive to Attachment Therapy. I tried to get her to relax by laying back in her seat etc. She just kept saying she wanted fattening food to snack on. She ate all the grapes and most of the apple slices. I did talk to her about her day and her complaint was that no one helped her calm down. No one talked to her about her feelings. She was mad at her IS for not talking to her. She was mad at the new Principal because he didn't make time for her like the old Principal would when the guidance counselor was busy. She was mad at the Asst. Principal for punishing her so severely. She took it as them not liking her and ganging up on her. I take it as Penelope not getting the attention she wanted. She wanted everyone to tell her it was okay. That it will be okay and she is a good kid. She also doesn't feel like she deserves the punishment.

On the way up I also received a call from the Police Station and the officer in charge of the case. He was planning on sending a couple officers to our home after we returned from therapy to have us sign some forms. Great..

Penelope had neurofeedback first (after her AT and I talked for a few moments) which her AT said still went very well, that Penelope was able to get her brainwaves to be down and stay down for the most part. She has one on her right that is a "trauma indicator" she calls it that is fighting to come down and she still needs to work on that. Then we have our talk session. Penelope was acting babyish during the session. Her AT talked to her about what happened, having her tell her what went on. Determining if Penelope truly understood what she was doing was wrong when she did it. She admitted she thought she'd get away with it. But she wanted it for me etc. Her AT talked to her about the Good Penelope and the Bad Penelope and how they are one in the same. That there is no such thing as a totally good person. She was going down this road with Penelope because of how Penelope feels that there is this Bad Penelope that will always do bad things and that you shouldn't punish the Good Penelope because she is all good and wants to do the right thing. Wanting to do the right thing (supposedly) is not good enough to not get consequences. Her AT also talked about Penelope's need to grow up. That she can not stay young and be happy there. We know she does it because she feels safer there. Penelope said "But I don't want to grow up." Her AT said "But isn't hard to make friends when they don't want to do the things you want to do anymore?" which she knows is a touchy point for Penelope because this is the most painful part of her choice to stay emotionally young. She wants friends but doesn't have any. She says defiantly "I have a best friend and yeah she is 10 but we have fun together." We pointed out that this friend will continue to grow and she we eventually outgrow her as well if she decides to stay a little kid.

I think Penelope heard her but didn't like it and dismissed it not caring about the negative affects of her choice to want to stay a little kid inside. I don't know what to think of all of it. On the way home my Dad called me and told me just to go to the station because we really don't want the police coming around alarming our new neighbors. I didn't even know it was an option but we did have a longer than normal session so we were running behind from the time I told the officer so I used that as my excuse to go to the station instead of having them come to us.

We arrived at the station and waited for a little bit. Penelope was being "bored" but also nervous. The Officer basically needed to give us the Complaint and the Hearing Notice and had us sign. He did talk to Penelope about what would happen if she did it again and tried to scare her a little bit. I don't think it worked. He said that if she did it again she would go through the court downtown and "Have you heard of 20/20?" He doesn't know this isn't our first rodeo and Penelope has been to the courthouse downtown and to 20/20 (Juvenile Jail) for her competency classes many times. He asked her if she had any questions and the only questions she had related to his tazer on his belt and if he had ever had to use it etc. Ugh!

Penelope was very clingy that night, happy to be home, happy to not have to go to school the next day... I told her that she works when she doesn't go to school. I took her to the house on Friday (her 1st day of suspension) and made her clean, sweep, mop. She actually did it with no complaints. Saturday she spent the day with Grandma as I babysat my niece and nephew for my brother so my Dad and him and his wife and father-in-law could go to a football game. My mom took Penelope to get her haircut, got her blond highlights, bought her winter boots and new gym shoes and some colorful socks and leggings. My mom buys things as her "love language" (taking from a post from Mary The Mom) but it's not always conducive to what is best for Penelope. Penelope needed new shoes and a haircut but my Mom always takes it to the next level. But I get her need to do these things.

That Sunday I made Penelope help me clean the condo. I hadn't had time with everything and it was getting on my last nerve. We spent the ENTIRE day doing it. She complained most of the time and made me want to pull my hair out a couple of times but did what I told her to. My goal was to get the condo clean and start on my 2nd online course for my certification for Qu*ckbooks (part of my consulting business I'm starting). I had finished the 1st course over a week ago and really need to keep moving forward. There are 9 courses. But I didn't get to start it.

So Monday, I debated on getting started on it but still needed to keep Penelope busy. I received a call from the officer in charge of Penelope's case and he wanted to stop by to go read Penelope her rights, have her fill out a statement and explain how this unofficial court process works. I told him that we were going to be leaving to go clean (her consequence for not being in school) and we could come to him. Great... no big deal. Well, it really wasn't but it was trying on me. Probably more me than Penelope. While she filled out her statement, the officer wanted to talk to me in the hall. When he had called, he had told me a bit about the court process. I had debated asking certain questions but I went ahead and did. I had learned from the officer who gave us the court date that this is actually in front of a magistrate. I had asked if we needed to get a lawyer. That's a loaded question for a police officer. Are you "lawyering up?" He can't say "No" but he said that we don't have to and that most people don't. I wanted to know if there was going to be a prosecutor there. He said there was. I wanted to have a better understanding how unofficial this was. This issue I was having is that the officer had said that the magistrate would ask Penelope questions. I told him that Penelope has been charged with a crime before but the charges were dismissed. She was also found not competent to stand trial. I want her to have consequences but I also want to respect her rights. He said that he understood and that he would talk to the Magistrate about it. We discussed Penelope's mental health issues, in a very general manner. He asked what kind of consequence I want to see? I said that I am not sure just because what I've learned is that it's best the consequences relate to the behavior but I don't know what that would be. He discussed community service as really the only thing he's ever heard of but didn't know what exactly they'd have her do. I didn't know if I said too much to him, or not enough. I was worried about that. The relationship with the police officer from when she sexually assaulted her cousins went down hill right away. He was nice and accommodating (and lied) just long enough to get information that turned on us. I didn't want that to happen again. I want to have this work this time.

After that whole thing I took Penelope back home because it was lunch time. Her math teacher had sent over that week's packet and I had her work on that while I hung out with my Mom destressing. Then I had to go get George and take him to the bank so he could get a claim form notorized for his stolen bike. It was either myself or my Mom to do this but my Mom really didn't want to go out in the cold. Fine. I needed a break from Penelope anyway. Not that George is really a break. He is always so wrapped up in his own life drama to care of be interested in what is going on with anyone else, like Penelope. That or he is is in denial or avoiding talking about his daughters pain because he can't handle it.

The other thing going on was that somewhere around this time, during all this, Harriet finally surfaced after not hearing from her about setting up a time to meet. What was going on is that she was trying to get her Mom to... do something. Harriet had called Geoff and told her how her and her Mom were going to meet with me and force me to allow visitations. I hadn't really heard about the whole conversation - hard to do that when you have Penelope right there all the time, so I figured I would talk to him while I took him on his errand. Oh my, what a bad idea that was. I almost wrecked 3 times because I was so not focused on driving. He told me that he argued with Harriet about her seeing Penelope. That I have told him and Harriet that I really DO want Penelope to have a relationship with there parents, but when she is strong enough. She told him "You don't really believe that do you? She is just going to keep saying that until we give up and go away?" He said that she went on to say that Penelope didn't get sick (her symptoms didn't really surface big time) until she was with me and that it's because I told her horrible things about Harriet which traumatized her. She says that Penelope's illness is purely genetic. Harriet's Grandfather was schizophrenic and spent most of his life in a mental institution. That's what's wrong with Penelope. (See, this is why I don't tell her anything! I told her about Penelope's meltdown and saying that she heard in her head someone tell her to do something. But that she is showing signs of Disassociation, having flashbacks - not schizophrenia! And by the way, we haven't had any of that since then as she doing well with her EMDR.) Also, I guess Harriet's Mom was also upset because she hasn't been able to see Penelope either. But George told her what I have told him which she hasn't contacted me to want to see Penelope. He then asked me "Is it true that you won't let Penelope see Harriet's Mom without you being there?" I said "Heck yeah! The last time she spent a long weekend with her, when I picked Penelope up, Harriet was there, and that was never discussed." (Harriet's Mom lives 3 hours away) Penelope had to have been left alone with her and she is not safe around Harriet. This was back before Harriet was cut off from Penelope. I continued and said "She continues to deny that Harriet did anything wrong to Penelope and even denies Penelope's illness. What would prevent her from allowing Harriet to see Penelope? Nothing. If she wants to see Penelope, I must be there. She knows this and doesn't like it." As you can see, this wasn't the best conversation to have while driving.

The Monday night that was Penelope's last day of suspension and returning to school did not go well. Just like it has happened in the past, when the term "Bed Time" is announced, she goes from normal and calm to enraged and defiant. She does this "I'm not going to bed!" and parked her but in a chair in the living room. She eventually admitted that she didn't want to go back to school and claimed it was because "everyone is going to bug me about where I've been, why I wasn't at school." I told her "Well,... that is one of the consequences for your actions." That didn't go over well. She stomped off to her room. I followed her and gave another answer. "Penelope, it's none of their business so you can just say 'I don't want to talk about it' or something like that.'" She didn't want to solve the problem, she just wanted to not go to school. She continued to get more mad. I then just focused on her anger and get her to calm down. But her anger was targeted at me and she didn't want to listen to anything I had to say. She started screaming at me, and I had warned her about moving into a condo, she can't be doing that. So I reminded her. My Mom, who has been staying with us came to the room and before she could enter the room, Penelope started yelling at her "Stay out of this Grandma! Stay out of it!" This was very upsetting to her and I told her it was okay for her to go so she left the doorway. Penelope was yelling for me to leave her alone and to get out. I told her I wouldn't until she calmed down. She said "I don't want to calm down. I want you to leave! I never want to talk to you again!" Then she picked up her clothes hamper near where she was standing and held it up threatening to hit me. She said "Don't make me hit you with this." I wanted to say "Go right ahead." But that wasn't the right response. I said "I will leave when you get in to bed and turn the lights out." She said "FINE" and gets into bed. She says "Now leave!" I reminded her about the light. She said "It's off now so leave, and find somewhere else to sleep!" Because my Mom was staying with us, I gave her my room and I was sharing Penelope's room sleeping in her other twin.

I ended up sleeping in her room. She passed out probably within 10 minutes. I was up for a couple of hours longer and felt that her emotions just got the best of her and it would be okay to sleep in her room. I was a little concerned but knew it needed to be addressed the next day. She was VERY remorseful the next day. Thank goodness, I really thing that is one of the strong tools we have against her becoming violent is remembering how bad it makes her feel after she calms down and thinks about it. She went to school with only a little bit of reservation. This was the last week of school before the Winter break. I had emailed her IS letting her know how things went and Penelope's concerns about kids bothering her. I also mentioned that Penelope had been tardy 3 times last week with no detentions. I reminded her to look at it as Penelope testing to make sure the safe boundaries are still in place. She said she'd handle it. Penelope was given a detention later that day for the following day.

Her unofficial hearing was scheduled for the 15th. I had talked to her Trauma Therapist about an appropriate consequence. She recommended that Penelope have to work directly with the less fortunate. She needs a lesson in how hard some people really have it. I couldn't agree more. I asked my Dad to come to the hearing with us. I was concerned about it just from the standpoint that I could have been lied to by the police officer like last time.

But it ended up being more informal that I understood it to be. The "Magistrate" is an attorney acting as a "Legislative Counselor" or something like that. There wasn't any prosecutor. Before the actual hearing, I told the officer what Penelope's therapist recommended for punishment. He wanted me to tell the attorney before the hearing. While Penelope and my Dad waited in the lobby, I went in the room with him. We were using a room that had a bunch of tables and chairs. The attorney sat at a table that was set up at the front of the room. The police officer introduced me to the attorney and told him what I had said. I explained the rationale behind this consequence versus a standard picking up trash or something. He had asked if she had ever committed a crime before. I said that she had been charged before, which was one of my concerns, because she was determined incompetent to stand trial and I didn't want that to get in the way of her having consequences for her actions but also respect that as well. I explained that her incompetence isn't because she isn't smart - she understands everything, but her emotional age is very young and that's what caused that determination. He asked what her charge was? I hesitated. This was the question I feared by bring up her incompetency issue. I went ahead and answered. "Rape." His and the officer's eyes went kinda big. Then the attorney said "Well, that information is confidential..." At this point we were ready to have the hearing so Penelope and my Dad came in. Penelope had to sit on a chair set up directly across from the table in front of the attorney. The police officer stood to the side near the front of the room. A woman from Youth Services was there in the back (and heard the Rape thing), and then my Dad and I. The attorney did a little bit of formal speak to declare why we were there, that Penelope has a right to an attorney and who he was. He announced the charge. Penelope right away said "I did it." Which was good. I had told her that she was going to have to tell him if she agrees or disagrees with the charges. I guess she wanted to get it out of the way. He made note and began to ask her a bunch of questions. He was nice to her and explained why it was wrong and pretty much had the talk we all have had with her. But you could tell from Penelope's perspective SHE WAS LISTENING. There was just the right amount of official-ness to send home a good message without sending her over the edge.

He determined her sentence as 40 hours of community service, with 20 hours of it suspended as long as she has no more problems for 1 year. He explained that to her to make sure she understood. She was definitely talking young but said enough to let him know she is intelligent. He said that the community service was going to be working directly with the needy and that he was referring her to Youth Services to get that time completed. He also told Penelope that she may actually enjoy the work and could continue to do it beyond the required time if she wanted.

We met with the woman from Youth Services the following week. She did kind of an assessment of Penelope. I don't know how else to explain it. Asked her questions about what she does, how she feels etc. We talked about the type of service we want her to do and limitations (obviously not working with little kids) but I said she'd have to have someone with her who can help her cope if she becomes overwhelmed or scared. She was going to call me the next day. That was a little over a week ago and I haven't heard from her but it's been the holidays so I don't care. Penelope has until 3/1/11 to get her hours in. She gave me a couple copies of a form to have signed if I find something for Penelope to do myself. I just want to get through the Winter break and then we will work on that.

Charges Dismissed

So yesterday was the big court day that was going to let us know what direction we were going with this trial. There were three main options. 1) Penelope found competent and the trail move forward, 2) Penelope found non-competent again and the charges dismissed, or 3) Penelope found non-competent, my brother show up for the proceedings and announce his wishes that Penelope be prosecuted. She was found non-competent and my brother told our Dad that he would not be going to the hearing simply because he doesn't want to be in the same room as Penelope. He never wants to see her again.




Some might think I would be jumping for joy. If you know the story, you would understand why I am not. Yesterday was a very emotional day for me and not a happy one. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad the charges are dismissed. Not because I think she doesn't deserve to be charged, but because the system doesn't work in a way that would punish Penelope in a way that would help her. It's been 9 months since the offense, and we still hadn't even got to the charges yet. Penelope, and the whole family including my brother and his family have been in this monthly cycle of starting to heal and then a monthly hearing comes up and the wound is re-opened. It's going to take a long time for these wounds to heal, if they ever do. Our family is broken. I don't necessarily agree with my brother about where Penelope is mentally. But I do not judge him or think less of him for having the opinion he has.




Yesterday was a day of mourning in my eyes and heart. It was the funeral, the event that marks the demise of our family - as it was. It has been dying for a while now. But there was hope for recovery. George isn't permitted to see Penelope but that is temporary. Once there were a great deal of healing, the family would be reunited - not perfect by any means. What's been done has been done, but healing. We are suppose to forgive George for what he did to Penelope - I struggle with this everyday. Because I struggle with that, I can't think less of how my twin brother stuggles with forgiveness for Penelope. I also am feeling so much sadness for my brother and all his conflicted emotions he is dealing with and how it hurts his heart. Family is so important to him and now his is so damaged. And he carries around so much guilt, so much regret and hate and an overall feeling of being a failure. He failed as a father and a husband. Too much burden to carry. We try to have a good relationship still but it's hard. Penelope needs me so much and with my hours, everybit counts for her. I try to see my niece and nephew but it's so hard. Even with this, we still try. We try to talk at least once a week but what do we talk about? I don't talk to George unless it's necessary. He calls me more than anything and ususally it's to complain about his insurance, workers' comp claim, or wrongful termination suit. I really don't care. My poor parents. They are both so done with Penelope and I. Mostly Penelope. They love her very much but my Mom has never been good with her. She either yells and lectures her or buys her things. She even has resorted to paying her to be good. My father tries and usually does well, but his level of frustration with her is reaching it's limit. Part of it is that he gets mad at my mom for not helping out more with picking her up from school and taking her to appointments. She will flat out say "I don't want to." Then he vents in front of Penelope and yesterday, the day of court for her, he made a comment that was about my mom but also let her know how much of a burden she is. When she is being difficult, he makes comments to me like "This isn't working. We are going to have to find a long term solution for her." I ask him "What's that suppose to mean?" He says "I don't know..." What he means is he is done and is ready to either pack her up for her dad's or find a residential facility. It can get bad but the littler things trigger that reaction for him too now. His tolerance is about gone. I know that he is looking forward us to move out. Trust me, I am too. I don't want to be such a burden on them. But I also need my parents, especially my dad - for the long haul and this is too in their face for them. I'm losing them too.

School and Court

First, let me write quickly (yeah right, me?) about how Soup Kitchen and having her toys locked up and having her own bedroom are going. Friday she started to really feel the pain and begged a bit for regular food. We talked about what it will take to get off of Soup Kitchen. She admitted to having hid food in her closet to supplement her soup meals. But it had run out and now she is really hungry. Too bad. But this was after finding her hiding in my room/office. The window steps out onto a roof. The cats had figured out how to knock the screen out and I found them one morning when we had turned the A/C off, walking around on the roof. Penelope said she was planning on going out onto the roof.... to think.. then relized she may fall off of the roof. I am not sure what she had going on in her mind. We fixed the screen and window so this is not an option.
Saturday, it came to a head. Penelope only had a little bit of soup for breakfast and lunch and after an entire day of doing nothing but play by herself and avoid the family or do any of her responsibilities, she felt sick to her stomach. When I got home from work, she didn't come out of her hole to greet me like she ALWAYS does. I made a point to not seek her out. I knew something was up. I had already received the report from the grandparents. Finally she poked her head out but because she wanted me to come to her room. She looked ill laying in her bed. She was "starving to death" she said. I asked her "Why are you starving?? There are lots of cans of soup downstairs. You can have as much soup as you want." She said she just can't eat soup anymore because it makes her stomach hurt. She can't eat Tomato Soup without grilled cheese. It makes her sick. And the chicken noodle soup is getting old. She had some for breakfast and she cramped really badly. She just wants to eat regular food now. She doesn't want to be on soup kitchen! She started crying. I hugged her and told her that I can see how hard it is for her to let go of being the boss. I know she knows how to get off Soup Kitchen, she just needs to let go and do it. She said "I know I'm not the boss! You are the boss! 'I'm not the boss. That's okay. Mom will take care of me.' See I said it! I will do my chores! I will read! I'm just too weak to do them now! Pleeeease!" Ugh. I hate it. But I know I have to stick to my guns. All three of her therapists are on board with it.


Shortly later, Penelope's true boss demon poked his head out and at one point she decided she wasn't going to eat any more soup and if I don't give her regular food she was going to starve to death and it will be all my fault! I just gave her alot of calm empathy. Then she made a declaration "I'm going to bed early and waking up early before anyone else and I will eat as much of anything as I want!" I didn't tell her she couldn't but rather that I don't look forward to seeing how disappointed she will be in herself for breaking the rules and having to deal with the consequences. I told her to come to me. She didn't want to but did reluctantly after some persuastion. I hugged her and told her I love her. It helped a little but she was still pretty tense and not wanting to be hugged even though I could tell it was a big dent in her armor. She went into the kitchen and plopped down at the counter in front of the fruit bowl. She plucked a banana out of it and held it like "Yep I took it and I plan on eating it so what are you going to do about it?" She even said "I'm going to eat this banana" but didn't try to open it or anything. I said something similar as before "I'd hate to see you all dissapointed..." She put it down.


I offered to read to her some more out of a book I've been reading to her at night. She accepted it and we went upstairs to get her ready for bed. She was still too upset to have me read to her. She again demanded regular food. I again told her how hard I know this is and I wish it wasn't so. She finally said "I'll eat anything! I'm so hungry!" I said "Anything??" She said "Yeah..." I said "Chicken Noodle this time?" She said "Yeah..." I brought it up to her in her room and read to her while she ate her soup. Poor kid.


Sunday she slept in. She has been sleeping longer since she has had her own room. She has been sleeping a lot better with me not in there and the alarms on the door and window. I'm glad. It's worth the camping feeling I get when I go to my bed. But it was her and I most of the day. Grandma played a game she had promised to play with her on Saturday and didn't. It was one of the complaints that came out in her fit of rage the night before - Grandma's unkept promise. Then my parents went to play golf. I had decided, once they left, we would have lunch then start a new routine of Penelope keeping a book of a daily schedule that she layed out either the night before or the morning of. That schedule is to include Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner, cleaning the litter boxes, picking up her room, reading for 30 minutes, a chore for 30 minutes and something fun. This way, it's her schedule that pushes her to do what she needs to do. It's a checklist as well, that reinforces her good decisions. She commits when she rights it down and crosses it off when she is done. At the bottom of the page, she will write goals for the day. These goals can be as simple as "Paint my nails" but as helpful as "Be nice to Grandma." She ended up doing all on her list minus 30 minutes of reading. She felt pretty good about it, and had a good day. I told her she earned a couple of dolls back. But still on Soup Kitchen. She needs 3 consecutive days of doing everything including chores. Chores is the line in the sand for her. I had a friend tell me that her 16 year old son doesn't do his chores hardly ever either. In other words, it's a normal kid thing. Common response by the unknowing. I said, "I'd probably be the same way if Penelope was healthy. Sometimes it's just easier to do it yourself. (I wasn't going to get into good and better parenting opinions with her.) But with Penelope, she doesn't have the same fundamental boundaries healthy kids learn. It's not as big of a deal because they will figure it out eventually. For Penelope, she needs the structure and positive growth from fulfilling her responsibilities. It's therapudic for her. You know your son is going to be a contributing part of society. That is an uphill battle for Penelope."

Now, Monday and Tuesday she hasn't done as much as she did on Sunday but it will come. And I've seen the improvements already, in her behaviors and her body language. She is happier and acts older - much closer to her age. Still on Soup Kitchen though.

School started yesterday. I had a meeting on Monday with a lot of different people at the school. Her teacher from last year, Mrs. Brown, was very concerned about Penelope returning to school without a plan to address behaviors she was having at the end of last year. Nothing was working to help her cope in school other than being with 2 inches of Mrs. Brown for the entire day. Not a feasable solution. Then or now. I was concerned that with all that was going on that she wouldn't be able to function in school at all as well as draw a lot of negative attention towards her from her peers. (But she has done almost a 180 while on Soup Kitchen so.. so far so good.) It ended up being the new principle, Mrs. Brown, her new Intervention Specialist, Math Teacher, English/Lit Teacher, Science/Social Studies Teacher, the School Psychologist, and the Director of Spec. Services. Lots of people. I think it went well considering it was somewhat disorganized. I wasn't aware that allll those people were going to be there. The meeting was scheduled on Friday for Monday and there was little time to prepare for it, including a requested letter from Penelope's therapist. The Director of Spec. Services wanted a letter from the therapist letting her know how Penelope will act at recess, in the lunch room, in class, and in between bells. Yeah, does she have a crystal ball? I don't think so. I wasn't able to touch base with the therapist until I was on my way in the car anyway. The Director of Special Services for the school district also wanted to make it so Penelope would have to wait to go to a designated safeplace when she needed additional help processing bad feelings and on the verge of a meltdown until certain times of the day. She called them "venting points." Thank goodness for Mrs. Brown because she had talked about Penelope's behavior sometimes be that of a three year old having a tantrum, stomping of the feet and things. So, using that information, her new Intervention Specialist said "That would be like asking a three year old 'Can you hold off on that tantrum until 11 o'clock?'" I couldn't have said that. I like her already! I tried to point out that she would use these opportunities to get out of class if they were made available but also need the time at that moment she is having a meltdown. She said "I always try to be proactive instead of reactive." I said "I agree with that approach (and I do!), but whith Penelope, what I've learned is we live is Bazaro World. It's the opposite of what you think is best. I believe the proactive measures are in how you interact with her and help give her the structure and support she needs. But she still needs a plan as a reaction to all her behaviors." She accepted that but then shortly later excused herself to go check her email. I think she felt she contributed all she could and was going to leave it up to the teachers. I like her and ususally her input is of a great value but this meeting I think it's really about the teachers coming up with a plan for eachother. The School Psychologist left with her. I like and respect her a great deal. She is always so positive and I can tell she really likes Penelope. She had some great ideas to help with Penelope's esteem. Like getting her involved in some volunteering. We've talked about sports and clubs in the past and the issue is always supervision and making team committments she can't handle. But I think if all else goes fairly well we can look into volunteering. I did a lot of that growing up so I think that would be great for her. But all her teachers overall seemed nice. More or less just curious what they are in for. We will all see.
Penelope's first couple of days at school seem to go well. Not much homework yet. She is looking "normal" brushing her hair and having body language that says "13 yr old 7th grader here." I think it's going well. Still working on a packet for her teacher's though. Mrs. Brown talked about putting together a training for this year's teachers. That would be great but I'm starting with this packet. But so far so good! I do think Soup Kitchen is helping with that.
Now the court stuff. It did take a while to get ahold of Penelope's Probation Officer to find out if we were still going to have court since Penelope didn't have a regular evaluation. She finally called me back after 5 phone message over 4 days. She said that the person who did the one on one wrote a report and it said she wasn't compenent yet and probably won't become competent for some time but it would happen eventually. He was going to leave it up to the judge if we were going to continue or just determine that sufficient attempts were made. Okay...
So today was court. The attorneys with the judge battled it out pre-hearing for the most part. Basically the judge wants to dismiss the charges due to non-competency not wanting to drag this out any longer but because the prosecutor wouldn't agree because my brother told the prosecutor during their conversation that he wants Penelope prosecuted, the judge could not do that. Our attorney brought up that my brother had told myself and our dad something a little different in that he will not participate in the case and won't allow his children to testify. There is no case without them. I agree that he shouldn't expose his kids to this and I totally understand why he doesn't want to participate himself - he doesn't want to see her, but if he wants her prosecuted, that's what he'd have to do. So the judge told the Prosecutor to relay the events of this hearing to him and "invite" him to the next hearing if he wants to be heard. So now, even though there is no case, because he said he wants her prosecuted, we are still moving forward. It could have been a worse turnout. But where it was left is that Penelope will be re-evalated by one of the doctor's at the jail this time versus the non-doctor who did the class with her. Penelope's attorney feels confident Penelope will be found non-competent and then it will be "handled unofficially" using the judge's words. She also said that during the pre-trial meeting, the judge tried to make sure the prosecutor understand the lack of case he has and why trying to move forward appeared to be a waste of time. He said he even asked the Prosecutor if he were in my brother's shoes, would he let his kids testify? He said "Of course!" Right.
I heard later this evening that the Prosecutor had contacted my brother and had invited him to the next hearing. But my brother told our dad when asked if he was going to go "What's in it for me? Nothing. I don't want to see Penelope." To me, the thing that's in it for him is to prosecute Penelope. Not that I want it. If he doesn't want to go he doesn't have to but he has to understand that the case will go away. That was the whole point. So he didn't say he wouldn't go but it doesn't sound like it.
A funny story about Penelope. I am beyond beyond broke right now, with uncovered medical expenses and making close to nothing a week. My checking account has been in the red for the last two weeks. My mom gave me her charge card to Old N*vy to get Penelope some clothes for back to school. She was going to go with us but her and my dad were invited somewhere so we were to go ourselves. We were there for 1 1/2 hours and she found some really cute t-shirts and a jacket and jeans. We went to pay for it and I must have gotten the store manager because she checked the card and wouldn't let me purchase the clothes are my mom's card because it wasn't me. So we left. It was embarassing. I should have asked them to save the clothes for Monday so my Mom could come get them for Penelope but I just took Penelope and left. She had started to get upset anyway, so it was probably a good thing. She became very angry at the employee. I explained that I knew that could have happened but it didn't occur to me. I wasn't doing anything I wasn't allowed to do but the employees typically are suppose to check those things. It's just people don't much anymore it seems. I told her "I wish I could have bought those for you myself honey, but I just don't have the money right now. I'm sorry." She said "That's okay.. It's the economy. It's really bad... and it's Obama's fault! He is a jerk and is suppose to fix the economy and he just hasn't!" Now, mind you she has been doing well with the baby talk the last couple of days but I'm very use to baby Penelope, not older Penelope, so this just took me by surprised. It made me laugh.. for a couple of reasons. First, my parents are hard-core Republicans. So my thought is "too much time around Papaw and Grandma I see!" Then the other thought was that during the Primaries, when she was in 4th grade, she tried to pay me to vote for Obama. Due to the Primaries being top news, they learned about the elections in school. Her 4th grade teacher is very much a Democrat and shared with the class as much - which I don't necessarily agree with - but we love her because she is very awesome. Anyway, Penelope had come home from school one day and had asked me "So who are you going to vote for President- Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama?" I told her that it was the Primaries and I tend to lean more Republican so I wouldn't be voting for either. She didn't quite understand. I told her that I know the Democratic race was more newsworthy because they were going to have either the 1st woman or the 1st black President if one of them won. But there is another race going on the Republican side. Even still, she wanted me to vote for Obama. I asked her "why?" She said "He'd be the first black President!" I told her that I know that would be exciting but I didn't feel that should be the sole reason for voting for someone. We talked about what really should be considered in deciding who you are going to vote for but I explained how the Primaries are a little different. That Republicans vote for their choice of who they want to run for President and the Democrats do the same and then those two run against eachother. Also how there are other people that are not Republicans or Democrats but those were the main parties. It was becoming a very serious conversation. I was impressed with her interest. She thought about that for a second and asked with full curiosity, "What's the difference between a Republican and a Democrat?" I said, "Well, Democrats believe in more government control and programs and Republicans believe in less government." Simple but high level answer for a 10 year old. She asked "Then what am I?" I said, "It depends what you believe in. What do you believe in?" She tapped her finger on her chin in thought for a few seconds and said, "Well....... I believe in Santa Clause... and the Easter Bunny....What?? Why are you laughing???... Which one believes in them??.. What!?" OMG I laughed a good laugh at that one.