Mutant Child

I use the word mutant because I feel like Penelope mutates every six months into a different child, similar to the one before but with new strengths and weaknesses, new challenges requiring new approaches to parenting. I use this term instead of evolves. Maybe that’s just how I feel at the moment because we are in a step backward momentum right now. And maybe it’s not even a backward momentum she is going, but a revelation of where she truly is at in this journey versus where I thought she was.

A couple weeks ago, right before spring break, she went out with her friend to a teen night club. Her phone was acting up so I switched cell phones with her for the evening. We’ve done it before. I’ve even gone through her phone before. But it’s a smart phone (as is mine) and maybe I just didn’t look through all the apps and all the folders but this time I found close up naked pictures she had taken of herself. Fortunately she didn’t include her face in the photos. The photo album I found it in was titled one of her Apps. It was a chatting App. She had shared these pics with a couple boys she "met" somehow. I do not believe she knows them, they do not seem local. Of course, they had sent pics of themselves as well. On top of that I found porn in her search history.

Of course, she lost her cell phone privileges, and in good RAD parenting fashion, I didn’t punish her or yell at her. All consequences were related to the behavior, removing the phone was primary, and all the freedoms having phone access to her went with it. I told her how sad it was that she didn’t hold herself to a higher standard in her relationships (or attempts at relationships). I love her too much to allow her to hurt herself and her self image that way. She was very angry and said "You don’t understand!" (What mother does?) "Boys don’t pay me any attention at school. I get what I can get where I can get it." Yikes. Not terribly surprising. Her self-concept has always been such a huge challenge. It’s one of the few constants. How it rears its "ugly" head is what changes it seems.

One of the other interesting pieces to this whole thing is that in the past she would volunteer how there are kids at her school who would do this, do that, including what she did with her chat app, and she would never do it, because she thinks it’s gross or she doesn’t want to end up with the same problems her mother did or some very relatable answer. Did I buy it all hook, line and sinker? No. But it gave us the opportunity for us to talk about these topics and try to be on the same page as to why these high risk behaviors would be poor decisions. This is a bit different then her usual RAD lying in that typically it’s Penelope creating a fantasy world (boys that like her and fights that never happened) or telling me about something she wished happened to her or she did.

My initial approach to this problem was to establish some tasks that she must do in order to demonstrate her level of responsibility in order to get her phone back. I fundamentally didn’t feel like it was enough, not really addressing the main issue but also wanting her to have this typical teen accessory. It didn’t matter because this approach went nowhere. She dug her heals in and blocked any discussion about potential tasks but instead started saying how she knows better now and how right I am, and that she is making her BFF stop chatting with boys like that too because it’s wrong. BLAH. Do I have STUPID written across my forehead?

That was about 2 weeks ago. A couple of days ago, we were chatting about something at school and I suggested using Facebook for online came up and she said "It’s not like I am allowed to go on there!" Then she shut to whole conversation down. She feels like she is never getting her phone back. I told her "I’m not sure how you are to get your phone back when anytime the topic comes up, you ‘don’t want to talk about it.’" That night, I couldn’t sleep and went to get some water around midnight. When I passed her room I saw a glow coming from under her covers. When I went in to inspect, I found she had taken back her phone, from my PURSE. It was in my purse earlier that night. I don’t know what she was doing because it was on the main screen when I took it from her. All I could say was "Wow. What am I suppose to say?" And went to bed.. well, after I calmed down a bit I went to bed. After I went through her phone trying to figure out what she was doing. She had been looking at porn. The chat app was gone, as a lot of other things on it. But then I learned she had taken the external SD card from it. I also found out that she had a secret email account and some social media accounts attached to it. Me, not a happy camper.

I took the next day to think about it. I wanted to be strategic about it. Regardless, the phone is gone. Deactivated. But that’s just a speed bump in the bigger challenge.

So that evening, I went home with the mindset that I’m not even going to address the phone. It’s such a pea size issue at this point. We need to look at why this is such a compulsion for her, what she gets from it, and what she can do to replace it that is more rewarding, more satisfying and appropriate.

I began that conversation with her. She said that she got bored with chatting with the boys, that it eventually didn’t do anything for her. She feels like life is boring. Her life is boring. She does the same thing day in and day out. Why can’t demons and vampires be real? She wants to be a demon or vampire (or mutant child). She wishes there was an apocalypse so people can be scared and she could be a leader of a gang and chop people up. I said "Do you here what you’re saying?" I repeated back to her what she said. I wanted to clarify "You want people to be more scared? More scared in general? Or scared of you?" She said "I want them to be more scared of me." When she says this, you can see the shame on her face. By this point, she is sitting on the floor against the wall farthest from me holding a pillow to her chest. She said "Everyone has more power than me, I want to be stronger. I want them to be scared of me."

Basically, she wants to feel safer. She feels that if they fear her, she will be safer. She is tired of being scared of them instead. I told her that it’s a perception she has, and that no one has any more power over her than she has over them. But I get it and want her to feel safe and it’s something we are going to work on together.

Taking what she said out of that context is unnerving to say the least. And I'm still having that type of reaction regardless. I keep thinking "I think I lost a year of my life in that conversation."  It's not something I'd ever hear come from her at this point in our journey. Chop people up? The conversation tore me up, to imagine she feels this way just demonstrates how scared she is and always is at some level. At least I can see that in that conversation. At the same time, I thought lack of wanting to get out and do things was more to being hypersensitive to stressors that cause her to be scared. But that has led her to feel her life boring and monotonous.

I still think it’s all based on her lack of self-esteem. It’s all related. If you don’t have the confidence to put yourself out there because you are scared of what could happen, you are a prisoner within the walls you have built. Life would become rather boring I guess.

The other issue I’ve identified is that she spends way too much with her head in fantasy and sci-fi based shows, videos, books, and just overall thinking. She is trying to escape her reality. This is not new for her and I’ve told her that I can’t allow it. It’s not healthy for her and it won’t fix her problems. So, she has been cut off of anything fantasy or science fiction based. She is also going to spend more time disconnected from technology. I can’t cut her off completely as it’s too much a part of her school work; homework, texts, are mostly electronic. But she is scaling back to the minimum.

This conversation happened on Thursday. That night and Friday morning she was completely sick to her stomach. I ended up keeping her home and having her Papaw pick her up and take her to his house. I certainly wasn’t leaving her home by herself. I hadn’t had time to brief either Papaw or Grandma on the evening prior. Grandma thought it would good for Papaw and myself to sit down with Penelope at their house when I pick her up to cover everything. It’s good to loop Papaw into this even though I’m not sure what he can do beyond just be a reinforcing family member for Penelope. That in itself is a big deal.

Trying to move forward

No one has heard from the Detective. Not that I've called him but my twin brother has. Maybe he called because of my last conversation with him - recommended he ask whether incarceration was an option, since he is really considering that an option. I know he is looking for answers.
Tuesday we had our home visit from Children Services. She said she hadn't heard from the Detective either. She knew very little about the case, but she did know there was another case pending - as she put it. That one has to do with the boy who Penelope has told me sexually abused her. But I told the Social Worker what the person who conducted the forensic interview said - about there not being enough to pursue a case, in her opinion. But that I know the tape was given to the Detective and I haven't heard anything about it. But she really wasn't interested in that case. Her purpose was twofold - to ensure that Penelope is not in a risky environment, and that services are being provided. She took down information about Penelope's family and her family history, but because she isn't allowed to see her cousins and there are no other children in our home, the first goal is satisfied. Because she is in therapy, although attachment therapy, the second goal is also met. I explained that the Detective said that if Children Services doesn't provide services, that he was going to have her charged so the courts will require Children Services to provide services. She wasn't pleased with that and originally said that he couldn't do that, but then said that it could be done but treatment and criminal charges are two separate issues. She talked about it being counterproductive for Penelope to be charged. That what she needs is therapy. But she understands where he is coming from. Penelope at on the cusp of the age where she would have to be charged with a crime. If that was to happen, she would be labeled a predator. He wants to prevent her from becoming a predator. So do we, Ms. SW, so do we. I told her that my twin brother - the father of the victims, wants her either locked up or institutionalized. At a minimum, he is considering it. She said that was unfortunate because that wouldn't do Penelope any good. That studies have shown that appropriate therapy is what is needed in these situations. I told her that, yes, Penelope is in therapy but it's attachment therapy. I asked her if she was familiar with attachment therapy and she said she was. I told her that we really haven't dealt with Penelope's sexual abuse directly - well, until the last two visits. But that they really specialize in AT, not sexual abuse. She suggested I talk to them about a referral in their organization. I explained again how they are up north, in a different county and they are only familiar with places in that area. She pulled out a list of counseling facilities that provide services in sexual abuse. She circled two that I should call if I want to. I do. I want to.
At this point, she explained that this case will remain open for 30 days, and of those 30 days 2 weeks have already passed so it will remain open for another two weeks - unless something unforeseeable occurs. I asked about long term issues - if they have any resources for respite care. She said they do but they are only for foster parents. Nice. But she said that Children's Hospital has an emergency respite care program that she will get info on for me. But what qualifies as an emergency in that situation? I'm going to kill her if you don't take her off my hands for a few hours? Sigh.... I asked about what I was suppose to do with her in the summer? I used to send her to camp but she can't be in a normal environment with normal supervision. I have already pulled her out of the after school tutoring program because it wasn't going to be enough supervision. She said that Children's Hospital has a program that is like school and is during the day and is therapeutic. But she didn't know if Penelope would qualify because it's for kids that have mental health issues as well as a juvenile delinquency record. Yeah, like Penelope needs that type of positive influence. So no real help there.
The social worker than went in Penelope's room where she was playing her DS and talked to her for a few minutes. She had told me beforehand it was to gauge any developmental lags she may have - I guess to see if I'm taking care of her. I had told her before that, that Penelope has regressed and has been acting around 6 years old with the attention span of a 2 year old. But, I guess she came across healthy enough that wasn't an issue.
I called my parents and then my twin brother about the home visit. My brother wasn't happy about the fact that Penelope is only being referred for therapy. He said he doesn't think that is going to cut it for him and his wife. He asked why Penelope couldn't go back in the hospital, like when she wanted to commit suicide. He said that she would then get therapy on a daily basis rather than just once a week. I told him that they don't provide therapy in that situation. Their purpose was to keep her safe from herself and help her get to a point where she could go home, via talking about coping skills as well as adjusting her medication. There are residential programs but I don't think they'd take her. No one has recommended that. He didn't like to hear that. He said that what I am saying is a lot of my opinion. He values my opinion in this but he just doesn't think this is going to fly the way it is. What I am hearing from him is he needs to talk to someone who deals with these things and what the best approach is. When Penelope's social worker calls, I'm going to see if she will call my brother and answer his questions. I don't know if she will be able to do that, but I can't think of who else to refer him to. I'm pretty sure Penelope's therapist holds very little credibility in his eyes.
Despite this, we are trying to keep our relationship. I am going over his house this evening to help him with his resume. I worry all the time if he hates me or blames me. I will not allow Penelope to ruin my relationship with my twin brother and his family. I worry about his wife blaming me. She looks at Penelope with even less tolerance than my brother does. And I want to see my neice and nephew and give them big hugs. I hope it goes well.
I have already called the 1st choice facility that the Social Worker recommended. I have talked to a couple people there already. They do not take private insurance, only Medicaid. I've applied for that but haven't received anything yet. They do have a sliding scale self pay system. But they need to call me back to schedule the assessment.
George called me to find out how the visit went and I told him and told him about setting up the appointment with the facility we were referred to. He didn't like the fact they don't take private insurance. He feels that is a sign that it's a type of place that..... he couldn't figure out the right words. I said "poor people go?" He said "No, no.. just..." and said "where it's not just kids that have been abused but also their parents who have issues. Those places don't have the best doctors or therapists because they don't pay very well." What he really wanted to say was that the people that go to those places are all... you know... black. I know how that ass thinks. I should have told him that Penelope's social worker is black.. and that I told her that he used to be a member of the KKK. I didn't tell her that - it wasn't relevant. And honestly I'm ashamed I'm related to someone that was. I haven't yet written in this post how I hate George. I hate George. Anyway, he said it would probably be better to get a second opinion from .... I cut him off. I said to him, "We are not back on to this second opinion crap. We are not getting a second opinion. I want her to get therapy that addresses her sexual abuse issues and I can't think of a better place than a place that specializes in treatment for abuse. I will see if it's the right place for her and if it's not I will go from there." ASS! I hate him. I already said that.
Therapy has been difficult to say the least. I talked about her last therapy session in my last post. This past session was difficult to be a part of. [WARNING: THE NEXT PART OF MY POST IS DETAILING HER LAST THERAPY SESSION AND IT DEALT WITH SEX ISSUES THAT YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ ABOUT] I debated whether I wanted to detail it or not but that the purpose of my blog is to document and share our experiences and be able to say as much as I can without disclosing identity. The last session we talked about that the two main issues we are dealing with is her lack of conscience and remorse, as well as Penelope's sex obsession. Her therapist Beth wanted to gauge how much Penelope thinks about sex. Also, we have to figure out how she can release this sexual energy in a more appropriate way. I like to think I'm an open-minded person when it comes to the topic of sex - and about how it relates to Penelope and her abuse and talking to her about it. But my open-mindedness may be more limited than I thought. Or at least, the direction we may be going may be just more than I expected.
Before Beth talked to Penelope, she talked about possible ways for Penelope to release her sexual energy in more appropriate ways. Masturbation was the topic. They said they have a client, whose mother bought her daughter a vibrator two years ago, when she was 10 years old! I took from her tone that she wasn't necessarily against the idea but it wasn't based on their recommendation. Besides being taken aback by this thought, I stated I didn't think this was a good idea for Penelope because she doesn't have discretion or boundaries and would probably end up taking it to school but also I felt like she'd end up walking around constantly excited from over stimulation. They agreed but were at a loss for ideas. At that point Beth decided it would be best to determine how obsessed Penelope is with the topic and we could go from there. I went into the viewing room and watched Beth ask Penelope questions and determine that she is very obsessed with this topic. She needs to address these feelings and also have an outlet - because if we don't give her one, she will find it on her own. Penelope's ATs pretty much made it clear this is out of their expertise. They have worked with kids who have been sexually abused but this is beyond them. They said that if our case was in their county, Children Services would refer us to a particular facility for treatment and they are sure there will be something similar in our county. Not the case it seems.
Penelope has been for the moderately well-behaved. Her attention span is almost completely gone. Her grades have gone down the toilet. She is still rather happy and is always either whistling or singing. She lies constantly - but I sometimes wonder if she really knows she is. She seems to be in fantasy world. She isn't sleeping well at all. Her meds help her fall asleep but she is restless all night long. Then she wakes up extremely moody and defiant. She has been late to school three times this month already. Hopefully she gets a detention for her tardiness. I've asked for one for her at any rate.
I know that I am not helping her get better. I am not doing the parenting techniques that I know I am suppose to. I do want her to get better, and I know how my parenting of her affects that but my tolerance for her is so short, I snap at her and yell whenever she pisses me off. I just try to get through each day the best I can. One night a few days ago, I had yelled at her. I don't remember what it was about exactly but I think it involved her getting her nightly reading done. I went to check on her about 15 minutes later and she was just laying on her bed stairing into her nightstand lamp looking pretty depressed. I asked her what is wrong. She said she was sad but she didn't know why. I knew it was because I yelled but she didn't want to admit that. So I said it. I told her that she is going to have to put up with my yelling for time time being. I am still very mad. She said "I have to put up with you yelling all the time?"I told her I don't yell all the time but yell when I didn't before. She agreed that was the case. I told her that I do love her. I told her, right or wrong, that if I didn't love her, she wouldn't be here anymore. Which is true. She seemed to get the point.
I know in my heart that I need to start parenting her the way I use to, but I have some healing to do right now too. I can only do so much. I am barely hanging on as it is. I was barely hanging on before this so I honestly have no idea how I'm still here. I try to look into the future but I just don't see one right now. I don't know what is in store for us. I don't know how we are going to get through this. I don't know if I'm capable of doing all this.

I think I'm kinda going crazy (more than normal)

It's the holidays... they started at Halloween really. At least in our house I guess. I've never really been big into the holidays. I like the break from school/work depending on what stage in life I am at. I hate Christmas shopping but love giving gifts. I don't really care about receiving them, unless someone gets me something that is a piece of crap - not from the heart. Or at least a gift that is saying that there is no love there. It's always been like that from George growing up. Depending on when he gets around to shopping, he does his Christmas shopping at the checkout lane in the local grocery store, or Walgreens.
Anyway, Penelope is all about holidays and birthdays and anything remotely related. Since this is holiday season, she has a lot of anxiety. She is regressing big time. Her coping ability is running around 30%-50% right now. Not good. Everything, EVERYTHING, she wants to turn into a battle. I'm doing my best to hold it together.
Then, on top of that - both her parents want to see her. George is being quiet, maybe patient. He knows it isn't happening for Thanksgiving. I was trying to figure out the best schedule for everyone for Thanksgiving taking that into consideration. But I found out that he already made plans to celebrate Thanksgiving at his favorite restaurant/bar that he hands out in. He doesn't plan on spending it with any of his family. I'm not really sure if that is him having a tatrum or if he just can't handle being around any of his family if he can't see Penelope. I knew that my other brother really wanted to have Thanksgiving with George and Penelope together. We had a fight over that because he was dismissing Penelope's needs for the sake of having all his family together. So, when the decision was made, I made a point to call him to let him know that we weren't having Thanksgiving together - and why. That I also wanted it to happen, to have Penelope past this point in her healing etc. That was two weeks ago. I've seen him twice since then and everything seemed fine. But I've heard through the grapevine that he is upset by it. I've tried to call him twice but he hasn't returned my calls. Then about 4 days ago, my mom straight out asked me if George could come to Thanksgiving. I said no, and again, explained why. Then two days ago, right after my dad got done driving George to his therapy session and home, he wanted to know if we were going about this all wrong. "Maybe Penelope needs to see her dad more often to not have anxiety. That the reason she is having all these problems when she sees him is because she doesn't see him very often. Maybe she should see him weekly. Like have him pick her up from school once a week." Are you F-ing kidding me?? That sounded like it came out of George and his therapist's mouth. So after a couple of deep breaths I asked my dad if he remembers why we decided to have Penelope stop seeing George? He couldn't remember. I reminded him. I told him "I know that you and I don't talk about this end of what is going on with Penelope. But there has been a lot that has come out. You have to remember that both Harriet AND George abused Penelope." I explained it more detail and he seemed to get it. But I recognize this is had on the family. And they are looking to me for justification. I have to shoulder that burden in addition to... just everything else.
Harriet wants to see Penelope. I talked to Penelope's therapists on Thursday. They are afraid to piss her off and send her running to court so they want to let Penelope see Harriet. We talked about it in great detail - the concerns. Because Harriet is in total denial that she has hurt Penelope in any capacity. Any pain she has caused have been blown out of proportions and are not her fault anyway. My concern is what she will say or do in front of Penelope. How Penelope is going to cope with having her there when she has so much fear and anger towards her. So, what I recommended is that there be a pre-visit meeting with Harriet and the therapists. The therapists want Harriet's mom to come as well. I don't see that happening for a number of reasons. But they want Harriet to allow Penelope to speak her mind, her anger, without Harriet trying to defend herself. They also want Harriet to tell Penelope that she will be living with me permenantly and that's what's best. She also has to tell her that she messed up and it's not Penelope's fault and ask for forgivness. I don't see this meeting go well, so we suspect she won't show for a visit with Penelope because she won't be able to handle it.
I've also struggling with where Penelope is in her healing process. I mean, behaviorally she was getting better, coping better. And her bioneurofeedback does wonders to help her with that. But to address her feelings about what has happened to her in her life. I know she is thinking a lot about it. She talks about things frequently. She talks about then like nothing was wrong with what happened. She talks about them at inappropriate times. She wants to talk about them. But not with her ATs really. When we do talk in our group, we usually only have about 15-20 minutes and it's like pulling teeth and according to Penelope everything is for the most part "fine." I know I have to do a lot of the talking with Penelope. I just don't know what to say!
My cat had flees a couple of weeks ago and I treated all three cats just in case. Penelope kept talking about when she lived with her dad the house had flees and things about that. It was a lot worse than that actually but it triggered her. We talked about it and she revealed some new information that, if true, fits everything we already know. She said that Charlene (the grandmother religious figure that watched her a lot) had offered to have her stay at her house for a couple of weeks so dad could take care of getting the house in order. She washed all the clothes dad dropped off and treated all Penelope's wounds from the flea bites all over. When the house was still bad off, Charlene offered to have Penelope stay for a couple of months. She asked Penelope if she'd want to come live with her. But George wouldn't let that happen. Penelope remembers shortly later that Harriet called CPS on him. It was disgusting! I don't blame her. I don't know why she didn't call sooner. She'd been out there every other week in that mess but one day she called. She commented to him how bad it was and George offered her money to clean it. Both George and Penelope (because it was George's opinion I'm sure) were mad at Harriet for calling CPS because she was paid to clean it. Anyway, I told her it wasn't right for their house to be so dirty. But that I remembered her bed being broken where there was no way she was sleeping on it. She said she wasn't. She was sleeping with Daddy. I said that her toys were everywhere on the floor. She said that once in a while she would get home from school (her last year with him) and he had cleaned her room. But usually it was really messy. It was so messy that she couldn't get to her dresser to get her clothes so Daddy started keeping her clothes in his dresser and she would just get ready in there. Ugh!
I've been doing a big of reading on Convert Incest (Emotional Incest) and it is exactly what has gone down in their household. But everything I read is about what it is, and how these kids, as adults end up with dysfunctional relationships, have intamcy issues, a lot becoming sex addicts, but how their life is pre-occupied by sex. Penelope already has that problem. But she is only 12. What can I do now to help her establish the right mind set to have healthy relationships with her peers and the opposite sex? Her therapists treat her for reactive attachment disorder and they are the ones who identified the emotional incest/abuse but I don't think that is something they know a lot of to address. She needs her AT but I want to figure out what to do about her unhealthy relationship with her dad. ESPECIALLY since she is going to start seeing him soon. Everything I read is addressing an audience who has come to the realization how unhealthy this type of parent/child dynamic it is. Penelope says she "knows now" because we have discussed that certain things he did were not okay, but she still sees her Daddy is the perfect prince.
Am I being too unrealistic to fret over these issues? Should I just think "It could be worse?" Should I just cope with the day to day and not worry about the future? Am I being too much of a perfectionist to my own demise.. again? Can someone tell me where the off switch is to my head? I need a drink.

Do you remember what it was like when you were 12 years old?

I think about that on somewhat of a frequent basis. Penelope is 12 years old, most of the kids in her grade are 11 going on 12. What kids are exposed to, how schools are run, and what home life is like, is different now than when I was that age. Plus, in our dynamic, it's just Penelope and I (and our 3 cats - Penelope never let's me exclude them when describing our family.) My family dynamic growing up was both my birth parents and two brothers.. oh, and the family dog. So, Penelope gets more mom and daughter time than I did. I enjoyed my alone time, so I do think about that - making sure I give her space. But, I also know I can't go "This is what I thought, so that's what she is thinking." She is in so many ways totally different than me. It has nothing to do with the fact she has Reactive Attachment Disorder, but that we cared about totally different things at the age of 12. As she is emotionally immature, I was much older than her at this age. I was too serious, stressed about school, and was babysitting for money other people's kids. I can't imagine Penelope babysitting anyone! The thought... I walked home from school on a frequent basis from age 9 until high school. (HS was too far away.) My parents worked until late every night. It wasn't uncommon for dinner to be on the table at 8 or 9 or 10 at night. It was normal for us. That would leave my twin brother and I at home several hours every night with no supervision. That's my memory at least. We were mature and responsible enough to do that and not have any problems. Our street was full of boys so my brother was usually out playing. I liked to read and watched TV, talk on the phone with my friends, and do whatever. I'd get my homework done at some point. No big deal. However, Penelope is hardly ever EVER left alone. I will say, we are testing those boundaries with her this school year. She is allowed to walk home from school, but as long as she has someone to walk with. She isn't allowed to ride her bike though - can travel farther on bike. She still isn't home by herself alone. I'm not sure if that's ever going to be a possibility. Maybe to run to the store or something. But as she hits her teens, other concerns (boys) come up. My parents were lucky that my brother and I were generally good kids. We weren't pristine by any means -but we didn't take advantage of this freedom like some of our friends would have or have. But that's a whole other topic.
So I have this 12 year old, who is smart and creative, and in a lot of ways just like every other kid her age. However, she also has experienced a lot of things that no child should ever have to endure - and at such a young age. So as she has aged, and her mental and emotional health improves, her mental, psychical and intellectual age increases, she processes differently throughout. Then, on top of that, here I am trying to be her spotter, arms out looking up ready to shift left or right to catch her - trying to spot signs and symptoms, be reading for the onset of some significant emotional outburst or meltdown, or at least continue to show her that I'm her strength and can be trusted.
Okay, so this past week, we had a head-scratcher of an experience - which caused all the prior thoughts and many more. Penelope is starting to have an upswing on her social life. Probably more friends/friendly acquaintances than she has had before. She still has certain kids that she still complains about that pick on her or whatnot. Now, it's boys rather than girls. So, this past Tuesday, she walked home with one of her newer friends - no problem. She knew she had a curfew. Before her curfew, she called because she wanted to have more time with her friend to finish a Social Studies assignment - they were going to do it at the playground (2 minutes from our house, ajacent to her friend's house). I said that was fine, knowing they wanted to play also. Gave her an extra 30 minutes. She called before that 30 minutes was up to ask for an extentions and I said no. She accepted it with no problems and was home on time. But she had a TON of homework. She spent another 1 1/2 hours on her homework - making me wonder what in the heck she did for the 1 h 45 minutes at the after-school tutoring program. That is where she met this friend so I'm thinking maybe too much socializing after school. Something I needed to investigate and cut off - with the understanding that I'm not doing this because I "care" about her homework, but that she performs better on homework for the people at school so what doesn't get done there, may not get done at all. It's the approach that works and it might be a crazy thing but try to only do what works. Penelope is typically fairly good about homework at home but it took her forever to get it all done. She kept distracting herself and even at one point put everything down and wanted to "Ask me a question." Whenever she says "I want to ask you a question," I cringe. That statement and "I need to tell you something." But her question was that she wanted to know if she could go to a party that was being thrown for her. Do what? It was to be a surprise party for her by her friend that she walked home with and another girl. I asked her why these girls were throwing her a surprise party? She said that they wanted to help her with her self confidence and let her know she has friends. Do what? I asked "Why would they think you need help with these things?" She shifted uncomfortably and said "I don't know.. um.. Can I go?" She wouldn't elaborate more than "I don't know." I told her that I needed to talk to her friend's mom (the owner of the planned location). She didn't seemed to like that answer but accepted it and said she'd let them know. Obvious red flag.
Then the next day, I got a phone call from Mrs. Brown at school. She wanted to let me know about a conversation she had with Penelope. She first wanted to tell me how Penelope's morning went in Lit class. She came to class all disheveled and unorganized. She didn't seem discheveled when I dropped her off but she has been running it to the last few minutes in the morning. Because of that, I did hand feed her the pills this particular morning. It saved us probably 10 minutes. She had a test and was acting very uncharacteristic - unfocused, uninterested etc. She was even defiant with her teacher about it. Mrs. Brown called her to see her after class to find out what was going on. Penelope confided in her that she had something on her mind. The day before, while walking home, her friend had told Penelope that she should be a lesbian because of her sexual abuse. UGH. Mrs. Brown wanted to also let me know how she responded to Penelope. She told her that people don't choose to be a lesbian or not, but are one or not. She knows Penelope likes boys so she knows she isn't a lesbian. Even I know this can be a controversal subject, I have the same opinion about sexual orientation so I was perfectly fine with this response. We discussed the whole situation and concerns about how to address it as well as how it could get blown out of proportion. I don't want, and no one needs another repeat of last school year with Penelope's pregnancy rumor. We don't need a rumor going around that Penelope is a lesbian. These kids are too immature to deal with this whole concept. Okay, that's the social implications. More importantly, Penelope needed to be talked to in order to help her process her feelings and understand a better way to deal with these thoughts and feelings.
Penelope was sexually abused - so all signs point to. No one has ever been charged and there is no evidence directly surporting this allegation. However, Penelope has been acting out sexually ever since I took her in at age 8 and over time, she started to tell me bits of a story that happened to her and last year eventually told me about her abuse. Not in great detail. Maybe that will come with age. But what I was able to gather is that the person that abused her lived within a multi-generation household where it seems many if not all the kids had been abused themselves and in turn have acted out towards other people. A boy is the accused, by his younger sister, who all information gathered, had also been abused had acted out sexually with Penelope. This girl was Penelope's best friend, the younger sister of a young man who was Penelope's dad's best friend - who lived with George and Penelope and had admitted to George during this time that he had been abused himself. Even before I found out about who and that George's friend had been abused - having my suspicions about Penelope's abuse due to her sexualized behaviors - he was high on my list of suspect because of the way he acted. I still wouldn't be surprised if he didn't and that comes out some day. But, at this point, it seems Penelope has shared some of her experiences with this 11 year old friend of hers. So I can see a young kid like this, in an attempt to "help" her friend - think this is a solution. God bless her. So Penelope and I talked about two issues - her "lesbian"ism, and sharing of information. I also wanted to be sensitive to that fact that she did share this information with her teacher and I don't want to prevent that. We still have some talking to do but it is an uncomfortable topic for Penelope - the lesbian part of of it, so we still have some work. Her unwillingness to discuss it has me concerned that there is more to the story. I did find out that after her conversation with Mrs. Brown that she blamed or was mad at her friend for "lying" to her about her being a lesbian. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a lie, but an attempt to help her. But, it was a mistake - not a lie. I think her friend had good intentions. What I told Penelope is that as she already knows, she has experienced a lot of things most kids haven't. So most kids don't understand it, even if you tell them. Not that they don't want to understand or think that they do. It's understandable that she wants to confide in a friend, but i'ts not a good time yet. And when she has questions and has been thinking about things or having feelings - she should come talk to me or or therapists, or even Mrs. Brown (sorry Mrs. Brown haha) when she needs to process these. I told her that she shouldn't try dealing with it alone or hope that her friends can help her. It's too much for an adult who has had the same experience to deal with so it's way too much for someone your age to deal with without the support of the adults in your life that care about you and are here for you. None of us would ever say "Oh my! I can't believe you thought that!" We understand. I do think it sunk home for her. She has a lot of guilt and shame and just like I think a lot of pre-teens, she doesn't want to involve adults - and maybe she feels like "I can handle it by myself" which I know is a thought that has been ingrained into her thinking too. To say that even an adult can't handle it by themselves and needs help let's her know that it's not that she is weak or not good enough or anything about her specifically but that it's just not possible. She opened a little bit about it after that but not too much. She said that her friend who told her she needs to be a lesbian was also planning on looking for a girlfriend for her. Maybe that's what the party is for? A "coming out" party? Introducing her to other girls to find her a girlfriend? UGH. So, obviously there is more work to be done here to avert possible catastrophe. But, the positive thing here is that Penelope can learn more about how to process the abuse. It's not really been dealt with yet. But she hasn't been ready so hopefully she is ready so we can address some of her anxieties and feelings before boys really become a threat.

Guest Speaker at George's Therapy Appointment

So yesterday morning I attended George's therapy appointment. I was anxious but I think I got to a point where I let go of being nervous and worried about it. I was hyper vigilant, or "on guard" and was ready to have this appointment.
I still really didn't know why I was there. The contrived reason was to help my brother and I work on our "communication skills" but I knew that was just the crust on this crispy critter. I suspected that they wanted to talk me into their perspective on visitations with Penelope. I hoped that the therapist was professional enough to understand that she may not have the whole story and would be willing to learn. I knew, just because it's his MO, that George was going to be defensive and probably embarrassed by some of the things I was going to say. I didn't want to go in with a tattle-tale approach to it, but I was going to honest. I also knew that 45 minutes wasn't going to be long enough to go into too much detail, and I am a detail person - if you haven't already picked up on that from previous posts. Actually, I've decided to keep it pretty brief - in comparison. I started writing it all out, but it's just too hard to rehash.
Basically, the 45 minutes consisted of 2 questions by the therapist. Her motive was to see where I am with the blaming of things. To pick out if I had a legitimate reason to prevent George from seeing Penelope. The first being, "What has led to Penelope's illness?" I explained the abuse that Harriet inflicted on Penelope that caused Penelope's RAD. George smugly agreed in a "see, not my fault" way, interjecting his two cents on what a rotten mother Harriet was. The second question, which I swear took 5 minutes to ask because of the mulit-layered "ness" of it. Kind of reminded me of an essay test you'd get in college - asking the question but spelling out what points to touch on and from what perspectives to consider. She wanted me to understand that both her and George feel that Penelope would cope better with seeing George if it was more frequent, that they would be able to rebuild their relationship since the reason Penelope must have a hard time coping is because she hasn't seen him in so long. But also to consider how important it is for George to see his daughter, that the reasons should be significant because it's a big deal for him to not see her. But she basically wanted to know why George isn't able to see Penelope since he isn't the one who caused the RAD.
I first told her that I needed to explain some things before I answer her question. That George's needs are not my priority. He is a 42 year old grown man. My priority is Penelope. That I've have explained the answer to this question to George on multiple occasions, and so has our parents, and Penelope's therapists. He dismisses any explanation of what is going on with Penelope that interferes with his ability to see her on a regular basis. So here we are and I am going to explain it, again. The other thing is the reason we do not talk right now is because I have learned that I can only surround myself with people who are supportive to what Penelope and I are going through because I don't have the patience or strength to deal with much more than that.
I went into the explanation. Of course, George interrupted and was hugely defensive on every point I had, barely letting me talk. After a few times, I told him that I didn't come here to be attacked and I'm trying to answer her question. I can just as easily leave. I told her that the things that I'm describing are things that I've either witnessed myself, one of my parents have shared when we were collaboratively trying to piece together Penelope's history for her therapists or he himself has told me. And he knows this, but doesn't want to hear it, obviously. I talked about how his bad decisions, which created an inconsistant, unsafe evironment for her was making things worse and as a family, we decided to have me persue guardianship. I cited specific examples which is what he tried to argue over. I brought up a couple that I'm pretty sure he didn't want his therapist to know about. The KKK and mail-ordered bride/mommy from Russia. He didn't know I knew about the later, and I could tell he was pissed. It speaks to his character.
He defended his decision over wanting to reconcile with Debbie, even though she also abused Penelope. He, again flip flopped on the facts regarding her.. because again he claims she didn't abuse Penelope. He will admit that Debbie yelled and screamed at Penelope - but that's not abusive since a kid is substandard and has no emotions or feelings. But when it came to physical abuse "She told me she only hit her twice with the wooden spoon." Oh, yes, the woman who took all your paychecks, never paid your bills, just hers, took out credit cards in your name, never paid on them and hid the bills.. who made up that huge lie to get rid of Penelope and told her it was her fault.. "She was going to a therapist about that." He said "So the words 'For better or worse' mean nothing? 'Til death do us part?'" "YES" I just was floored how he thinks he puts Penelope first but states his marriage vows as evidence to his need to save his marriage even though Penelope was being abused.
But I had cited many examples and George said "But I don't do those things now, do I?! I've changed haven't I?!" I said that it was still all apart of what has built his relationship with Penelope. I said, of all the things, one of the worst for me is the whole thing about Penelope sleeping in George's bed up until I took her in. How I instinctly knew that was wrong but I couldn't explain it. George did his defensive interruption thing and tried to explain himself. How he tried to make her sleep in her room, but then in the same breath he would say how he knew she needed to be near him because of being abandoned by her mother. He talked about how right after Harriet left, Penelope was always scared he was going to leave to. I told him, I agree with him as to why she wanted to be in his bed, but the problem is he happened up until she was 8 years old and came to live with me. The safe, consistant, and secure environment was never created in order for her not to be constantly keeping an eye on dad.. always needing to make him happy so he won't leave to.. because "Mom left because of me" thinking. And the yelling, the changing of caretakers, the way that Penelope was never first. He said "She did that with you too!" I said "Yeah, sure, in the beginning. It took a week or so to get her to stay the entire night in her bed. Then their would be storms, and I would let her crawl in, but as soon as the storm was over, I walked her back to her room. Now she sleeps in her room when there is a storm." I told the therapist that even when he lived in my house, when he was home, they spent the entire time in bed. They ate in his bed, watched tv in his bed, and sleep in his bed if he could get away with it. I told her how I knew in my heart that she had been sexually abused. I knew her relationship with her dad creeped me out and I suspected him but she never said anything and I never witnessed anything, but I knew something had happened to her. I never wanted to leave them home together. It drove me crazy. But I would once in a while force myself to go do something to get away from the house. One night I stayed out as late as I could tolerate, about 11pm and when I got home, Penelope wasn't in her bed. I went to his room and she was sleeping in his bed. I said "Why is she in your bed?!" He knew how I felt about that. He rolled over and said "Penelope, go to bed." She got up and I was walking her to her room. She said "But when do I get dinner?" I went to ask him if it was true she hadn't eaten dinner. He said "She knows where the food is, if she was hungry she should have got something to eat." Of course, again, George denies every saying that saying "I always fed Penelope dinner." No you didn't.
The therapist asked me why I thought she was sexually abused. I told her she seemed very sexualized. A few months after I got guardianship of her.. She was 8 years old, in 2nd grade, she had a crush on a boy at school. She told me how she had a dream of having sex with him. She wanted to know what would happen to her if she had sex with him. Like she was contimplating whether or not she was going to. The theapist asked me like twice "She was 8 years old?" I said we have pretty much know who did it, at least the story has come out who did it - a boy out where they use to live. She asked if she still acts sexualized. I said "Oh yes. The last time was the evening of the day she got to see her dad." And I went into her whole video masterbation sequence in very graphic detail. Okay, for shock value. This therapist looked appalled. Good! But he obviously didn't tell her about that either. Of course not, it didn't serve the greater good. He needs her to be on his side to help him manipulate his way into seeing Penelope.
During the session, she pointed out, because of one of the arguments George and I had, that George has an issue with the fact that he can't control the situation. He wanted me to do everything his way, even though there was nothing wrong with the way I did it. I told her "I am not going to look at everything I'm doing at think 'I wonder what George would want me to do?' If anything, like I said, I disagreed with his decisions so it would be the last thing I would do."
I pointed out to her that the reason we "can't talk" is because he disagrees with everything I'm doing for Penelope because it keeps her away from him. There are huge trust issues between us. I don't trust him because, I've learned in my 33 years that any time I do, I regret it.. and he doesn't trust that I can take care of Penelope. Or at least, he doesn't want me to because it doesn't go with his goals of seeing her. If he would just accept the process for what it is, he actually could be happier. But it's about him. This whole thing with visitations.. no one tells him that he is going to see her on a particular day but he gets it in his mind then has a huge fit when it doesn't happen.
Then George went into this whole thing about what he was told how often he'd get to see her and how he was suppose to see her by now.. He went into this whole thing wanting to know when and how often and definites. I told him I don't have definites. He insisted on answers. Finally I said "I am not going to tell you "Yes" because if I do, and something happens and you can't see her, you will flip out and say 'But you said!' I'm not doing it!" He kept going on about it and I said "With all this that you have said and tried to get from me, not one time did you say anything about Penelope. This is about her." His therapist nodded in agreement.
At the end of the appointment, his therapist said that that she has a better understanding and it was very informative. Told George how they were going to work on some changes to the way he perceives what is going on.. and basically, just was looking at George like this is his issue, not a matter of him having to deal with an unjust situation.
She wants me to go to their next session in two weeks. I told her I would think about it and let her know. She thinks in this forum we can get things out and help the situation. If there is honestly a chance (as I cringe at the thought of having hope) that he will accept what is being said and allow me, and my dad and Penelope to keep doing what I'm doing without him constantly disrupting or trying to manipulate us, then it is good. However, I really just don't see it.
I talked to my mom today and I guess George called her last night and complained about the appointment yesterday. She is pretty breaten up over it. She screamed and yelled at him and eventually hung up. She doesn't handle being a part of this battle at all and it really takes it toll on her, and then on anyone around her. I'm not going to go to these sessions if he is going to call my parents and make it more difficult for them. But I'm not going to just look for an excuse to not go. So, I will just see how it goes for the next two weeks. I will make a point to say something about that in the next session if I go. He has to knock that off.
I talked to my dad also. He hasn't heard from George - but I think George makes a point to limit his bitch-sessions with him because my dad doesn't have qualms about putting him in his place. And he tried to say it's not a big deal that he calls and complains. I know it is though.

Lastly, off subject. Cell Batteries at Amazon.com for alarms on doors and windows are super cheap!!!!! I just ordered 100 batteries - I use 4 at a time on the Penelope's door alarm. It cost $8.99 with free shipping!

Penelope's other family

So, this is the blog I've been trying to get around to because I want to document what has been going on behind the scenes - nothing Penelope is aware about. As you know, George got to see Penelope about 2 1/2 weeks ago. The visit went fine but picking up the pieces taken about two weeks to do. We still haven't discussed her video she made the evening of the visitation in therapy. She has been acting too defensive/defiant to make that conversation productive. Her therapist wanted to wait. George wants to see her again, he wanted to see her last week - because somewhere in his mind someone told him he could. No one has. He wanted to see her this week, which leads me to the topic at hand - Penelope's other family and her birthday/presents. I don't talk to George, unless I absolutely have to. He loves to pick fights with me and/or tell people I tell him things that I don't. But I was there when my mother called him to find out what he was getting Penelope for her birthday and knowing he is currently off work disabled, money was tight, I recommended him making something for her.. a drawing or something. He used to tell Penelope how he loved to draw. She is sentimental and would like a present like that. I was also planning to give the presents from Harriet and her mother to Penelope on Sunday after her party was over. But my mom wanted me to wait until I got George's so his wasn't given last. He was told he had until Sunday to "make" whatever. But when Sunday came around, my mom called him and he said "I'm getting her something for Wednesday - for us to do together. Talk to Dad." She asked me and I knew nothing about it. When my dad got in from golfing, I asked him if there was some visitation planned that I wasn't aware of? He said there wasn't, it's just George doing his thing.. trying to get what he wants. So it's Monday evening and I still haven't given Penelope the cards with their money in them. I talked to George today because he wanted to know what he should get her. He decided on iTune gift cards - fine. But he wanted to know when her next therapy appointment was. Actually, now that I type that, I'm curious if he plans on showing up to her appointment. I will have to make sure he doesn't. He knows that her visitation was scheduled specifically the evening before her therapy appointment and he "expects" every Wednesday that has past since his visitation to be his next visitation. Anyway, if I don't get it by Wednesday I am giving her the cards because I want to make sure that the therapists can help me deal with any emotional ramifications from the cards when we see them. Okay, so that was George, now on to Penelope's birth mother and grandmother. I kept saying over the past few weeks that something was going to happen with Harriet because of Penelope's birthday coming up. She hadn't really said anything but had been calling more frequent for "updates." I hadn't heard from Sarah (the grandmother) since February and only via email. I had sent her one in March but she never responded so I dropped it. But below is the email that I recieved from Sarah, who copied my mother, on July 4th.

I have been having an internal debate with myself since the last time gave me an update about Penelope. I have to tell you that parts of your last communication to me, , made me angry. I decided at that time that perhaps I just needed to stay out of the situation. You see, it made me angry that Penelope was supposedly having nightmares about Harriet crawling through the window to kill her. I immediately asked myself - "Who on earth said something to Penelope to indicate that Harriet would physically harm her?" And my mind went from this train of thought to "What is the difference between children who develop RAD and those who do not develop it when deserted either physically or emotionally by a parent or care taker? And the answer I came up with is this. It all depends on how the other parent and relatives respond to the situation. It depends on how much the child is made to feel that the deserting parent is pond scum, or that the deserting parent didn't want to be the child's parent. With the huge number of divorces occurring now days, if every child whose parent left, developed RAD, our society will soon be full of disfunctional RAD patients. My own two older children were deserted by their father. Kathleen was not quite 1 and Angela was 5. He saw them maybe twice a year. He called on Christmas and birthdays, if he had time.
How did George handle this situation? What kind of single parent was he? How did he respond to Debbie's Penelope bashing and even kicking Penelope out of the house? How much was said about Harriet within Penelope's hearing range, or when nobody thought Penelope was listening?
I had a choice to make Karl out to be a demon, a bottom dweller of a father, a bastard - whatever. Or I could tell Angela and Kathleen that their father loved them and make good sounding excuses for him not being around more. I chose the latter and guess what - they are both highly successful people who now have a decent relationship with their father.
It also has made me angry that my daughter, Harriet, has been treated as if she doesn't exist. She has been treated as if she is not a person, as if she has no feelings. No communication on Mother's Day, or her birthday. In fact, not much communication at all. Phone calls, from my understanding, often do not get returned or if they do get returned, it is after many days have passed. In fact, one of the reasons I stopped communicating with Penelope - cards, a little money here or there, was also lack of response, or great delay in response so that I was unsure if she even got anything I sent her.
Harriet is my daughter, despite whatever she has done and despite the fact that she has problems that keep her from supporting herself or even taking very good care of herself. I am essentially her only support. Just as we would all like to see Harriet as a happy, functioning young lady, I would like to see my daughter happy.
I'm sure you all feel that you are doiing what's best for Harriet and I have no problem in saying that you have essentially raised Harriet. I do not know if I agree with what is going on now. In fact, I'm pretty sure I do not agree.
One question - Is it truly Penelope's choice not to see Heather? Or has Penelope been told it's not good for her to see Heather right now? Or has Penelope been led to believe that Harriet does not even want to see her now? Does Penelope know that Harriet DOES want to see her?

Nice, huh? See, Sarah is a retired school teacher.. and has expressed in the past that she doesn't think Penelope has RAD because she worked with inner city schools where she has had kids with RAD but they don't act the way I have described to her. I told her "Of course they don't. You think they are going to show their true colors to you? They save that stuff for home." The other tidbit to know, which I am sorta linking together through this email, is Sarah's history. I knew she had other daughters other than Harriet. I didn't know they were with a different father. So, Karl is husband #1, Harriet's dad is husband #2, and she is currently with husband #3. The first two daughters are successful professionally and personally - a doctor and a lawyer with families. Harriet is married, on SSD and so is her husband. So anyway, below is my response to her email.. Mind you, I haven't received a response, but she did send Penelope a birthday card that showed up the day after her birthday with a check for $50. I thought it was interesting how her note she put on the card spelled out that there is a check for $50 with the card - I guess so I wouldn't just steal the money and not tell Penelope.. I'm evil I tell ya! I should send her an email letting her know that I gave Penelope the card but there was no check in the envelope and Penelope is pissed! Thinks she doesn't love her... but I won't. >=) Anyway, here is my email response.

I've read your email, and my initial thought is that "I'm not surprised." I don't think this because I think you are right in the assumptions you have made or that you are a bad person so your accusatory email is meant to be malicious, but in that through my journey with helping Penelope I have learned how lonely of a road this is. I have learned a lot in this process. My second thought was "I'm glad you still care...." in that you obviously have put a lot of thought into the whole situation but also "... even though you are on the wrong path." You are making wrong assumptions and asking the wrong questions. Somewhere fundamentally you have assumed I must not love Penelope and either I have myself, or I have allowed someone else to plant hurtful lies into Penelope's head. That I have myself, or I have allowed someone to make this all about Harriet. Be assured that is far from the case. Some of the issues you raise in your email I have addressed in the past, and so I also feel that you have come to distrust me and my motives. I'm going to go through your email and respond to each section the best I can. Understand that I have always taken the approach that when someone asks me a question, I conclude that they want an honest answer, so I answer honestly regardless if I feel the person isn't going to like my answer or not. I feel that gives it credibility and I have found that has helped me in life and in my career for that reason.

I have been having an internal debate with myself since the last time gave me an update about Penelope. I have to tell you that parts of your last communication to me, Meredith, made me angry. I decided at that time that perhaps I just needed to stay out of the situation. You see, it made me angry that Penelope was supposedly having nightmares about Harriet crawling through the window to kill her. I immediately asked myself - "Who on earth said something to Penelope to indicate that Harriet would physically harm her?"
This is an example of where I feel you are asking the wrong question. But I will first answer it, since you asked. No one, NO ONE, ever told Penelope that Harriet would physically harm her. Not under my watch, and that is when this paranoia manifested. Penelope has never said that anyone told her that. I told you what Penelope was having these nightmares, not supposedly, but actually having these nightmares. So, in my mind, the right question to ask is "Why is Penelope having these nightmares?" The short answer is guilt and hate. Penelope feels so much guilt, not as much as she used to as her healing progresses, but she felt sooo much guilt towards how much hate she had in her heart. She felt guilty for everything under the sun, everything that has ever happened to her, and everything she felt was bad in life, which was pretty much everything. Her therapists call it "Yuckworld." When you live in Yuckworld, you see everything through hateful eyes. It's like Hell. Kids, including Penelope, have described their life as being Hell. The hate that carried around in her heart that relates to all her guilt is part of her RAD. RAD is a product of her life experiences from 0-3 yrs old. But I'll try to explain that later.. because I know that you are questioning her diagnosis. But at that particular time, all the hate in her heart was directed at Harriet. This was right after her second hospital stay that is directly linked to the time Harriet had moved down to but ended up coming back a few days later but not contacting me to reschedule her visitation, your conversation with her letting her know that, then the conversation Harriet had with Penelope after that. Penelope had so much hate, pure blinding hate towards Harriet for that. I know now that I handled that situation wrong. Knowing now what I know, what I have learned that is now helping her heal. I knew enough then to know that part of what I was trying to do with her is teach her to trust me. Trust that I will keep her safe. Because fundamentally that is what her brain has been trained to do through her trauma, not trust, feel unsafe, even in safe environments. I was working with her therapist at the time, he I was referred to by the staff at Children's Hospital, to figure out what the right thing to do with this new situation, Harriet leaving, and then returning, but not calling me or giving any indication of wanting to reschedule, not knowing if she was only back for a couple of days or what. When Harriet left and wasn't going to be in town for their scheduled visit, I told Penelope that Harriet had moved to and she doesn't have a car right now to come visit. But as soon as she does have a car, she said she would be coming to visit. My first mistake was saying that second part, because Harriet never said that. I was trying to defuse the sitution. But in doing so, I lied. I made a promise that was never made or that I could control. Penelope figured out that lie when you told her on the phone that she was back in town and was surprised she hadn't called. Penelope took that as a lie from both Harriet and me, all mother figures are untrustworthy. But for Penelope, it was ripping a scab off a very old wound related to Harriet. Then when Harriet talked to her later that day, Penelope had asked her "Why didn't you call me?" Harriet responded, and I was there and heard her, "I called your dad, he or should have told you." She processed it to mean two different things... one, that Harriet didn't want to call her, since Harriet didn't actually answer her question which is why didn't SHE call her.. but also that her father and I both knew she was back in town but didn't tell her. I already said why I didn't tell her, but I think it may have been best to have told her, and then figure out how to help her process her feelings about the rest of it from there. But there was still the unanswered questions about what Harriet was going to do next. I was trying to save her from going through the anxiety of asking herself those questions as well as to her own dilemna of whether or not Harriet loves her. I have never, through this day, ever tell Penelope that Harriet doesn't love her. I do tell her that Harriet does love you. I will admit for a while there, I didn't say anything one way or the other because it was hard to see Penelope in so much pain and think that love was ever apart of her relationship with Harriet. But like I said, I have learned a lot, and I know with confidence that Harriet loves Penelope. But that love is not enough.
Back to Penelope's nightmares. When she was in the hospital, she had a psychotic break.. she was so full of hate of Harriet that she filled a journal full of hateful words "KILL" "F*CK" "B*TCH" etc., and drawings, drew all over her pajamas, the walls and talked about her own addiction to smoking. (Harriet smokes) Of course she didn't smoke but it was all part of her psychosis. And then the guilt rolled in. She lived, and sometimes still does, live in a fantasy world. She became so paranoid that Harriet was going to learn about all her hateful thoughts and feelings and want revenge. She was so consumed by her thoughts of Harriet, I can imagine her feel that Harriet would be just as consumed about her. So she had serious problems of sleep and feeling unsafe. I will say over time, her nightmares transitioned from Harriet killing or kidnapping her to end of he world catastrophy type nightmares as well as dinosaurs or aliens. Of course, I told her that Harriet wasn't going to kill her and tried to reassure her, but you can't rationalize this away. Our new, at the time, attachment therapists said that we should put up alarms. I was concerned with supporting Penelope's feelings by putting up alarms but they said that the important point is for Penelope to feel safe. So now we have alarms on all our windows and doors. And it really helped. It took a while, but it helped, as she felt safer.
And my mind went from this train of thought to "What is the difference between children who develop RAD and those who do not develop it when deserted either physically or emotionally by a parent or care taker? And the answer I came up with is this. It all depends on how the other parent and relatives respond to the situation. It depends on how much the child is made to feel that the deserting parent is pond scum, or that the deserting parent didn't want to be the child's parent. With the huge number of divorces occurring now days, if every child whose parent left, developed RAD, our society will soon be full of disfunctional RAD patients. My own two older children were deserted by their father. Kathleen was not quite 1 and Angela was 5. He saw them maybe twice a year. He called on Christmas and birthdays, if he had time.
You gave an answer to your question "What is the difference between children who develop RAD and those who do not develop it when deserted either physically or emotionally by a parent or caretaker?" I don't think it's as simple as you put it. First of all, it's commonly believed that the primary caretaker discussed is the mother, not the father. Not that it isn't possible, but it's the person that is the true primary caregiver. Even in todays' modern lifestyles, it's still considered the mother because the bonding starts pre-birth as well as the fact that mothers are usually the one who is that true primary caregiver even though fathers have tried to take on a larger role in children's lives these days. Also, the conditions that have put the child at risk have to have had during the first 36 months of life, during those development stages of a baby's life. Also, it depends on how many of the conditions and how frequent those high risk conditions were experienced by the child. Also, and a pretty significant point, is the child's resilience. I have wondered the same thing, maybe in a different way.. "Why isn't Reactive Attachment Disorder more well known?" I would think that there would be more cases than there are. What I have learned is that it's not as uncommon as the general public would think since it's not well known. But the cases that aren't the rare cases related to medical issues as infants, is because most of the cases are found in the foster and adoption world. Maybe the agencies that find placements for these children aren't the most forthcoming about the possible emotional disturbance issues some of these kids have. They may say something like "this child is currently in therapy for some issues.." but who wouldn't be in that situation? But RAD is more than depression or social issues due to low self-esteem or whatever we might think a child who has been in the foster system may indure. I've even heard of adoption cases, where the child was adopted within the first few weeks of life, but still ended up have RAD. I would say that probably has to do with resilience.
How did George handle this situation? I think you mean, did he Harriet bash? I don't know that answer because I wasn't there when it was just the two of them. I know he knew that as a family we didn't allow that, but I can see him say things to other people in front of her or during times he was upset with her.
What kind of single parent was he? I think he was a shitty single parent. Like I said before, love is not enough.
How did he respond to Debbie's Penelope bashing and even kicking Penelope out of the house? Again, this isn't a question for me but for George. I can tell you what I know based on past conversations. He took Debbie's Penelope bashing as Penelope is misbehaving and believed everything that Debbie said. I wouldn't doubt that Penelope wasn't misbehaving, but instead of looking at the behavior as a symptom to something else, Penelope was just viewed as a bad child who was having a hard time transitioning into the new family. He was upset that Penelope was kicked out of the house but he tried to save that marriage hoping that Debbie could change. I'm not as forgiving but it wasn't my marriage but if it was my marriage it would have been a deal breaker.
How much was said about Harriet within Penelope's hearing range, or when nobody thought Penelope was listening? I don't know, I wasn't there. I know from what Penelope has told me that Debbie, being the horrible person that she was, said bad things about Harriet to Penelope but I believe because she is jealous of Penelope's affection for Harriet. Debbie was jealous of everyone. She was jealous of George's relationship with Penelope, my relationship with Penelope, and Penelope's love for Harriet. Penelope did hear the break up conversation between George and Debbie, and it was mostly about Penelope. Debbie didn't want Penelope. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that these line of questions, that are similar to questions you have asked in the past, are implying that you think that this is either not Harriet's fault or that it's not only Harriet's fault. I agree in that it's not just Harriet that contributed to Penelope's emotional disturbance. Harriet, as her primary caregiver, created the conditions that caused Penelope's RAD, but George, as a parent, didn't prevent it and aggravated it by not providing a consistent, structured, safe and healing lifestyle for Penelope. (That's putting it simply - you'd have to read long first blog that lays out the history to see what has gone on.) Because she never learned to have a true emotional bond, not the clinging anxiety ridden bond she had with people, but a trusting, calming, true bond, she went through her life anxiety ridden and feeling unsafe and in "yuckworld" and addressed each new experience and situation from that perspective. So, even things like thunderstorms re-traumatized her. Harriet continued to re-traumatize her through her actions of disappearing, talking about how mean Bob (2nd husband) is to her, having her "secret" of taking her away when she turns 13 or whatever, and cancelling vistations. Debbie also re-traumatized her with her yelling and finger pointing and villified sterotypical step-mother persona. All three of these people are dysfuctional contributing to Penelope's distrubance. You may have picked up on that I said Geoff didn't "prevent it" either. I'm not talking about Heather leaving. I'm talking about the neglect that occurred in the house. I know that Heather has denied locking Molly in her room but she admitted it to the Attachment Therapists when her and Bob met with them several months ago. She said she locked her in there for her own protection so Penelope wouldn't run around the house while she was sleeping (during the day). I've told you this, and told you that you can call
at to discuss that and any of Penelope's case. I don't know if you still believe that it's not true but you wouldn't be the first to accuse me of feeding the therapists and Penelope lies. George, who knows that I think he is a shitty dad, also has made that accusation to defend himself. I shared that with the therapists, because it's hard to tolerate being accused of doing something that would be so against everything I am and have been doing for Penelope. They said that, they hear what I and my parents say, and what Harriet and George have both said, but the evidence is Penelope. They see what Penelope has done and how she is. Penelope is all the evidence they need to know that she is RAD, that the things that have been said have happened as they witness the ramifications of it.
Penelope's current relationship with both her mother and her father have nothing to do with punishment for the past, even though I know they both have said that. There are two reasons for it. First, Penelope needs to have the break she needs, on her own timing, to get strong enough to deal with the emotions that come with seeing her parents, for different reasons. Secondly, both her parents need to come to terms with the behaviors they have that contribute that continued to aggrevate Penelope's trauma so that they won't do it again. In order to do that, they have to look at what they done to know what not to do again.

I had a choice to make Karl out to be a demon, a bottom dweller of a father, a bastard - whatever. Or I could tell Angela and Kathleen that their father loved them and make good sounding excuses for him not being around more. I chose the latter and guess what - they are both highly successful people who now have a decent relationship with their father. I'm glad that worked for you but I don't think they were at risk of RAD, they had you.
It also has made me angry that my daughter, Harriet, has been treated as if she doesn't exist. She has been treated as if she is not a person, as if she has no feelings. I have never treated Harriet badly. I have never yelled at her, even though we have had a couple conversations over the years where she probably didn't like what I had to say, but like I said, if you ask me, I will be honest for the good or bad. I've never called her names, or told her I hated her or anything of the kind. Tell me, how am I suppose to treat her differently than I am? I keep it very cordial and positive. I tell her how things are going with Penelope, the good and the bad. What else do you want me to do? I am waiting.. and working on Molly's healing, but waiting for Harriet to do her part for herself and Penelope and address whatever it is inside her that causes her to hurt Penelope. (Penelope's Psychiatrist in the hospital wrote a formal letter stating that Penelope shouldn't see Harriet until Harriet addresses any drug/alcohol or any other issues that she has that causes her to re-traumatize Penelope via a therapist and then they could be reunited through family therapist sessions once they both were ready.. that was 11 months ago. I know of one therapy appointment she has attended and that was 2 months ago...) But I can't be everything to everyone. I do the best that I can and Molly is first and foremost in my priorities. Above everything else, including myself, my career, my life. It's too bad she is so offended by her percieved maltreatment.
No communication on Mother's Day, or her birthday. In fact, not much communication at all. Phone calls, from my understanding, often do not get returned or if they do get returned, it is after many days have passed. You are right, phone calls are infrequent. As I told Harriet, I can not talk to her while Penelope is around. When Penelope is at school or camp, I am at work. Any personal time or flexibility on my work time is eaten up and then some by Molly's needs. It is honestly rare, that I can call Harriet. I only talk to my mom and my dad. Once in a while my but it's limited too. I told her the only time I can call her is when Penelope is at her tutor's. But I also use that time to go to the grocery store because shopping with is a disaster waiting to happen (so true!). But that's really the best time. So when she calls me on a Thursday, the next time I can call her usually is Tuesday. I have told her over and over again that the best method is email. She gave me her new email address about 3 weeks ago and I have emailed her twice. She left me a message telling me that she got it but her phone wouldn't let her email back and she was going to go to the library.
In fact, one of the reasons I stopped communicating with Penelope - cards, a little money here or there, was also lack of response, or great delay in response so that I was unsure if she even got anything I sent her. The last two email I sent you, you never responded. But I did tell you that she got her money and what she spent it on, so I'm not sure where this is coming from. I know that you have sent thank you cards for her to complete and all that, but it's like telling a child who is just rolled around in the mud to not get the carpet dirty. I can't force her to write thank you cards. Not that she wasn't grateful, not that I didn't tell her to and put her in a chair with a pencil and the cards, but I wasn't going to battle her about it. I have much bigger battles. If this emotionally disturbed child's lack of social etiquette is enough for you to not send her cards and notes or whatever, that's unfortunate. Or I guess it's my lack of parenting abilities that you are punishing her for? I'm not sure... Speaking of which, I guess I forgot to address the Mother's Day and Penelope's birthday issue. I don't even know when Harriet's birthday is. But, like Mother's Day, I am not forcing Penelope to do anything that isn't true to her heart and is going to cause her more trauma. I know that you told me the prior Mother's Day, when Harriet called and wanted to talk to Penelope, that I should have made Penelope talk to her, I am still not going to do that. (She said, "Who is the adult there??" when she called me after Harriet called her upset. But Harriet told her I wouldn't let Penelope talk to her when it was Penelope who didn't want to talk. Sarah probably just didn't want to have to backtrack and made an issue out of it anyway.) Penelope doesn't want to talk to Harriet right now. She still has anger towards her. But we talk about letting go of that anger. I talk about hate being a self-destructive emotion and forgiveness being a calming emotion. But she has to come to it on her own. She has anger towards George and definitly Debbie too, but we are talking about Harriet in this forum. Like I said, I've never allowed it, to George''s chagrin, to be all about Harriet.
Harriet is my daughter, despite whatever she has done and despite the fact that she has problems that keep her from supporting herself or even taking very good care of herself. I am essentially her only support. Just as we would all like to see Penelope as a happy, functioning young lady, I would like to see my daughter happy. I know she is unhappy, and not seeing Penelope contributes a piece to her overall unhappiness. But I can only think of Penelope. I will not sacrifice Penelope for Harriet or Geoff. Harriet knows what she needs to do. Penelope needs her to do those things in order to be around Penelope too.. because Penelope needs a chance at having a life. She has worked so hard, I've worked so hard, not that I matter here. But right now, Penelope needs me. So I do matter for her. If Harriet began to see Penelope in all her dysfunction, Penelope would start to die. If you saw what I have seen, you would know that I mean that literally. To have a child threaten and make plans to kill herself, to beg you to kill her and put her out of her misery, to make the most painful agonizing screams and cries using up all her energy until she practically passes out, you would believe me when I tell you that. And I honestly don't know if I could survive starting over all that again.
I'm sure you all feel that you are doiing what's best for Penelope and I have no problem in saying that you have essentially raised Penelope. I do not know if I agree with what is going on now. In fact, I'm pretty sure I do not agree. I am doing what is best for Penelope, proof is in the pudding. I forgive you.
One question - Is it truly Penelope's choice not to see Harriet? No, it's not Penelope's choice. She didn't ask the doctors and specialists not to see Harriet, but she hasn't asked to see her either.
Or has Penelope been told it's not good for her to see Harriet right now? No, Penelope hasn't asked to see Harriet. Not yet at least. I hope that someday she will want to because I don't want her to have hate in her heart for her anymore.
Or has Penelope been led to believe that Harriet does not even want to see her now? No, Penelope has been told that Harriet wants her to get stronger (which is the term we use to talk about her level of health) and is giving Penelope the time and space she needs in order to do that.
Does Penelope know that Harriet DOES want to see her? Not directly, no. I tell Penelope that I talk to Harriet and she calls wanting to know how she is doing and that she is happy to hear when she is getting stronger. So indirectly yes. Penelope has had too much issues with guilt in letting Harriet down causing her to do the things she has done to Penelope. She is told that she loves her and is proud of her progress.

Penelope's History....

I feel like I need to explain our history so that future posts will make sense. I'm going to change names to protect us from any possible repercussions from my niece's parents if they were to read this. They both are still in denial as to how they contributed to Penelope's illness. They blame each other and plead their own innocence. It's both their MO for most problems in their lives.

Penelope was born to recently married Harriet and George. Harriet was 19 and George was 31. Harriet's dad wanted her to get an abortion, again. Even though she was a high school drop out, there was a concern that having a baby would prevent her from going to college. It was a bad birth because of Harriet's high tolerance to pain killers - due to her excessive drug use as a runaway teenager. George "saved" Harriet from her self-destructive lifestyle. She was 17 when she moved in with George. I think the first time I realized her age, I knew something wasn't right. Why would decent parents allow, even approve, of their 17 year old daughter moving in with her 29 year old boyfriend.
 As Penelope's Aunt, I wasn't terribly involved but I did babysit a lot. I was young myself, in college, when she was born. I thought she was the cutest thing with the biggest smile. But there were signs of things that didn't seem right. 0 - 3 years
She was always dirty when I would get her to watch. She always seemed to have some level in severity of diaper rash. They would forget to bring clothes, pjs or main necessities. We would often have to go out and buy her things to wear. When it was time for her parents to come get her, they would be hours late or just not show up until the next day...............
She wasn't fed properly. Once Penelope went off formula, it seemed like all her meals were kid meals from the drive thru. She would often have vomit on her clothes from gagging herself with french fries when they stopped by. Fast food was convenient to the parents' lifestyle since almost all meals were eaten in the car. The concept of eating fast food every meal contradicts the reason why formula was withheld regularly from Penelope as a young baby - Harriet was afraid she would get fat. Harriet always had lollipops on hand in the car. She said it kept Penelope quiet. (Looking back, Penelope was hungry and wanted to be fed but a sucker was easier and fixed the problem.) I wouldn't know if all meals were fast food, I just know amount of fast food paper bags in the car said a lot. But one time my mother and I went to change Penelope after she was going through a painful period of constipation. Her poo was 80% corn. I had never seen such a high concentration of corn before. She wasn't walking yet so I think she was about 9 mo. old.
Developmentally she wasn't talking much. Lots of crying, tantrums and it was really hard to take her out in public to restaurants. Holiday dinners were painful because she wouldn't eat anything that was cooked and would moan and cry the entire time.
The worst thing I had seen was when Penelope was about 4 months old, Harriet had either laid her down next to a portable box space heater or was ignoring her for long enough that she figured out how to roll over to the space heater. Penelope had rolled her face into an iron hot space heater, used her little fingers on both her hands to push herself off of it. She had one single blister that covered her entire forehead and little criss cross grill mark shaped blisters on her fingertips. Harriet said that she just left the room for a second to answer the phone. The day that happened, after Harriet and George took her to the ER, Harriet called my mom. She wanted her to take Penelope for the next few days because she could feel a cold coming on and she wouldn't be able to take care of her. We ended up taking care of her together because my mom couldn't bring herself to change the bandages every 4 hours like the doc said. It was so painful to Penelope that she would scream. She was so young she didn't know what was going on.
When Penelope was 2 years old, Harriet found out an ex-boyfriend had just broken up with his girlfriend and decided to leave George and Penelope and move in with him. After a couple of weeks Harriet missed Penelope and wanted to have shared custody. Her new boyfriend didn't want kids so he kicked her out. She was living on the couch with friends. During a visit with Penelope, she asked George if she could take Penelope to get an ice cream. She didn't come back... Harriet took Penelope but brought her back the next day.
A month or so later, Harriet accused George of physical abuse in an emergency custody hearing that George wasn't aware of, and obtained emergency custody. Harriet went to Penelope's daycare and took her out of state, not that we knew that at the time. The facility called George to let him know what happened but also said that Harriet didn't take any of Penelope's things including her ear infection medication. George tried to get a hold of Harriet to let her know about it, regardless of everything else. He ended up sending the message through one of Harriet's friends. The friend said that her response was "It's taken care of." Before the attorneys could sort out the custody order, about a week later Harriet called George crying because Penelope wouldn't quit crying and wouldn't sleep at night. She had been running a fever and she wanted him to come get her. George asked Harriet why she didn't just take Penelope to the ER. Harriet said she didn't have any money or her medical card. George said she should have called and he would have come and taken her to the ER. Harriet said that her attorney had advised her not to speak to George (due to the pending divorce). I was there when Harriet brought Penelope. My mother and I took her straight to her doctor. I remember clearly when the doctor said her infection was now in both ears and they were so infected that puss was coming out. He didn't know if there would be any permanent damage. That was the last time Harriet tried to gain custody of Penelope.
So, that is during the first three years of Penelope's life - when the trauma happens that can cause Reactive Attachment Disorder. What I've learned about that period of life since then is even more disturbing. Penelope told me that her mother used to lock her in her closet with cats. George said it wasn't her closet but her room. Harriet would lock her in her room "for safety" so that when Harriet slept in from staying up all night on the internet, Penelope wouldn't be able to roam the house. But even before that, I found out from my mom, Harriet would leave Penelope in her crib all day when she was around 9 months and younger. There were nail marks on the walls where Penelope would scratch at the walls wanting out. There were scratches on the back of the bedroom door from when she was locked in. One day my mom and I went over to George and Harriet's to help clean the apartment because Harriet was having family come in and George was embarrassed of how bad the place was. My mom didn't tell me at the time but she was the one who cleaned Penelope's room and found broken glass on Penelope's changing table/pad. The broken glass was like light bulb glass. The dog they had pooped several times in Penelope's room too. I cleaned their living room so I didn't see it. I wish I did. I look back and go "Why didn't we do something sooner?" but it's easy to do that..
3 - 8 yrs old
Since then, for the next 5 years of Penelope's life, she lived with her dad. He isn't the best parent either. He knew about the locked doors and complained about it to Harriet, so he claims, but that was it. He continued the same selfish lifestyle of having Penelope be a tag along. She was being trained to be a good little woman, fetching his shoes for him, cleaning for him, doing laundry, making food. If she didn't she would get screamed at and even spanked. After a while, she didn't see him very much. When she was old enough to go to school, she spent most of her time at Patty's house. She was a grandmother type figure that they met at church. George would drop Penelope off at Patty's really early in the morning and Penelope would eat breakfast and catch the bus there. George would pick up Penelope around 8 or 9pm and put her to bed or just let Penelope stay at Patty's that night or for several nights in a row. I remember getting Penelope on the weekends a lot. George would say "for the evening" but meant "for the night" and I wouldn't see him until the following afternoon - 12/16 hours after I was suppose to see him. He would turn his cell phone off if you called too many times trying to get a hold of him.
(Learned about this a few months ago.) Penelope did have a friend from school, Beth. Beth lived in a mobile home with like 10 other people. Penelope spent a lot of time over at Beth's. Beth had another brother, Jack, who was fascinated by Penelope. Beth tried to protect Penelope from Jack for some reason. Beth told Penelope that the last friend Beth had that Jack liked had to move away. That they had sex. Beth knew what she was talking about because she had had sex too. Jack would try walking in on Penelope when she was taking a bath. They were on a trampoline and Jack tried to lie on top of her. He had chased her around the outside of his house and dropped his pants wanting her to touch him. He found a porn video that belong his dad and had Beth and Penelope watch it. Beth wanted to do what the people did on the video with Penelope. Jack ended up tying Penelope to a tree and forcing her to have sex with him. It took her about a year to tell me this from the beginning of her telling me about this boy.
When Penelope was about 6 1/2 years old, someone called Child Services on George. It ended up being Harriet. George's house was a horrible mess. George was mad because he gave Harriet money to clean his house but instead she called Child Services. I don't blame her for calling them from what I ended up seeing about the place. The money to clean thing was pretty underhanded. But then George could have made that up. Anyway, when George told us that someone called Child Services on him, we asked him if he knew why. He said it was because of his house but it wasn't that bad. A social worker was coming in a week to inspect it. Our dad offered to go out and help him but he said he didn't need any help. The day the social worker was to visit, George called changing his mind on needing help. Because George lives so far away, by the time we got to his house, we only had about 3 hours to clean. His house was horrific. The stench of cat urine burnt the hairs on your nostrils and made your eyes tear the moment you open the front door. There were dirty dishes in every room. There was rat poo in every room. The living room furniture was soaked with urine. The walls had scratches all over them. I didn't see George's room but I cleaned Penelope's. The bed was at a slant since the foot of her bed was on the floor because the frame broke. There weren’t any blankets, just sheets. The sheets had flees. Her dresser drawers were either empty or had toys in them. Clothes didn't make it that far in the laundry process. All her toys were for toddlers or babies. Have no idea what happened to the toys Penelope was getting for Christmas and her birthday that last couple of years. We suspected they were sold. Probably with the nice clothes we bought for her. She was always in clothes that were either too small or from the church. I also cleaned the kitchen and dining room. I almost vomited when I had to clean out the litter box. It was 1% litter and completely full to the brim with poo. The smell was so bad. The kitchen was so disgusting, everything covered, including the floor with a layer of grease. The dishes were covering the counters. BUT THE WORST, THE WORST was the garbage in the room off the kitchen to the back. George didn't want to pay for weekly garbage removal. He would take care of it himself. But he would just pile up the garbage bags in the back room that lead out to the garage. The pile got so big that in order to get out the back door, he walked on the bags and smashed him down with his foot traffic. When I looked closely I saw bits of fur... A few months back one of the many farm cats had a litter of kittens that Penelope "accidentally" killed when she put them in a cooler in order to carry them around. They suffocated. George threw them in the garbage and put that bag with the rest of the bags. Then walked on the bags, and the bags broke here and there and then the cats got to them and their little body parts were all over. But they continued to walk on them. I sobbed I was so devastated by the thought of this. My dad was just speechless.. The Child Services woman came. The house was about 70% cleaned up, not that you could cover the smell. The room with the garbage was only partially cleaned up. She took pictures of the rooms and sat down with us. My dad did most of the talking. Told her it was pretty bad but we wouldn't let it get that bad again. We live far away but have always offered him help.. trying to get him to move closer. We didn't know.. She said didn't see anything that would cause any action to be placed. Her report would be available blah blah blah. I told my dad that I sort of wished she took some kind of action. I don't want Penelope to be taken away but at the same time letting George get off is reinforcing his believe that he isn't a bad dad. We helped him so we are to blame too.
Beth's oldest brother, Bob, lived at George and Penelope's house for about 6 months before Penelope moved in with me. Before that, he had two girls pregnant at the same time and his parents wanted him to date one of them while he wanted to date the other. George let him hang out at his house with the unapproved girl - who happened to have a friend for George. Eventually Bob moved in. He didn't have a job but paid his way by keeping the house clean and taking care of Penelope while George was at work. Bob always gave me the creeps. Besides the lack of morality demonstrated through his love life, I didn't like the way he spoke to Penelope. He referred to her as his baby girl. He called his girlfriend that. He was living in the garage with his girlfriend but they would hang out in the house during the day.
When I got guardianship I scheduled when I was going to move Penelope in. George was working that Saturday but Bob was taking care of Penelope. I could go and get her and her things. Penelope sat in the living room while Bob and his girlfriend, whose newborn is about 3 months old now, were wrestling on the couch, getting ready to conceive baby number two. Right in front of Penelope who was obviously uncomfortable. I had her come with me while I went through her room to pick out toys and clothes. What clothes I found were too small. Her toys were either broken or too young for her. Bob came in and said he was doing all the laundry and her clothes were in the dryer. So we waited. When her clothes came out of the dryer, they stunk like mildew, and most of those were too small. I took a small bag of her clothes, her bicycle and a couple other things and decided we were going to have to go shopping. Bob came out before we left and wanted to say goodbye to "his baby girl." I hated the way he looked at her. We left. On the way home we stopped to have lunch. I asked her where she wanted to eat. She said BP. I told her that she will never eat lunch at BP again.
Just a side note, when I told George about Penelope's revelation about Jack. I told him that what I had heard about that home just seemed to scream rampant child abuse being passed from generation to generation. I told him that I think his friend Bob comes across like a child molester. George said that Bob had confided in him that was molested when he was a kid. I asked him if that was before or after he lived with him. He said, during that time. I educated him in the fact that there is a higher risk of an abused person to abuse someone else. How could he have him live with them?? But then, all the other problems with him living there should have been enough in themselves. It doesn't matter what is best for Penelope but what is best for George.
Harriet
Even though Harriet left, she has been around here and there. Her visitation rights were to see Penelope supervised, one day every other weekend. Even though she had the right to see all day, she chose to only hang out with her for anywhere from 2 hours to 4 hours. When she didn't cancel due to a flat tire, no gas money, feeling sick, claim of being raped by an in-law, she left early because the movies are due back to the video story by a certain time, or her new husband is waiting for her to cook dinner. That was story I would get, which I had seen with my own eyes a few times.
But then found out after the fact that George would let Harriet alone with Penelope when it was convenient to him. He would either take a long nap, or cut the grass. Or, if Harriet had left her husband and stay with a friend, he would leave Penelope with her for the day or overnight. So he could go out. He didn't like her husband. Harriet did a good job of playing her husbands against each other. My thing is at least she is tied down, as much as you can tie her down, because before she got married, she was living with a different guy every couple of months. She couldn't hold a job or would quit.
Just to explain what kind of person she is, her father was in a bad car accident and ended up in a coma. She didn't think he was going to make it. She took all his disability checks and cleaned out his bank account. She had planned out how she was going to spend his life insurance money. Unfortunately for her, he survived. Imagine waking up from a coma, broke. He ended up moving into a should-be-condemned apartment in the roughest part of our city. One day shortly later we received a call that he died from suffocated. He fell down a flight of stairs and the way he landed caused him to suffocate. I don't remember her having access to his life insurance anymore.
Every once in a while she takes off and no one knows where she is. The only consistent thing about Harriet is that she always comes back. The longest she was gone was for 3 1/2 months when she moved to NC to join a satanic cult. That was right when I gained guardianship of Penelope. My attorney had to get her to sign the consent papers via internet because we didn't know where she was. She kept emailing my attorney asking him to send something for her to sign that would sign all her rights away because she wasn't coming back and it was for the best. But she did come back..
Penelope and Me
I bought my house about two weeks before Penelope moved in. Because of Harriet taking off, getting her consent and getting it in front of a judge in order for me to get the formal order came down to the day before school started so I could enroll her. The reason the parents were agreeable for me to have guardianship was officially linked to having her in a better school district as well as having someone in the family raise her instead of Patty since George worked all the time. I did not attack anyone’s abilities as a parent. That would have broken down negotiations. Harriet was only willing to all this as long as she was able to see Penelope more.
Harriet has always played the victim in her relationship with her daughter. The reason she had such a stranger relationship with her daughter was solely due to the fact she didn't get to spend more time with her. Even though she was the one that canceled frequently and only seeing her for a few hours when she did see her. But at this point I felt it wasn't important to argue this point.
So Penelope started 2nd grade living with me. According to her teacher, she was barely reading and was very distracted. She was behind in school and needed that help. It was a hard year for us, or at least I thought it was hard at the time. She was a wild child, very ADHD. She spent the weekends with her dad (at a new home) and saw her mother every other weekend - when her mom showed up. The problems I had then were just having to help Penelope adjust to a routine after spending the weekend with her dad and seeing, or not seeing, her mother. It was hard on her. It was hard on me trying to keep her dad in order when it came to dropping Penelope off on time, not 10pm Sunday night. Their weekends consisted of ordering pizza every night and watching TV all weekend long. I presume in his bed. Penelope called it snuggle time. I asked questions without trying to plant ideas and it seemed pretty innocent. I do know George likes to spend his time in bed. He's not a couch guy or a sit at the table in the kitchen guy. Everything can be done from the bed. Anyway, her weekends were really boring for her. But time with her was spent arguing over homework. We didn't have any fun. I had her M-F, and each day was the same - get ready for school, go to school, eat dinner, do homework, bath time, bedtime. It would take all evening to do homework.
Then George starts dating Debbie. They were matched up through a family friend at George's initiation. George, without my knowledge, tells Penelope that he is going to get married to Debbie and wants to know if she wants to come live with them and her two sons. Of course she does but she feels bad for me because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. This wasn't what I wanted for her but after talking to Debbie a few times, she seemed very caring, intelligent, and a good person. She had her own home that was small but new and decorated nicely and very clean. But I was always thinking, "What in the world does she see in George?" "There must be SOMEthing wrong with her if she likes George." She seemed to know some of his bad traits but to her she seemed to view them endearing. Being a slob, smells all the time, talks out his butt... things like that. But even though I don't like George having her back, this was Penelope's chance to have a family like she has wanted. I was really torn. If Debbie is as smart as she seems to be, their is no way the marriage would last once she figures out what a total deadbeat he is.
So the fall before 3rd grade, we moved her in with her stepmother-to-be and dad. Things were good until they got close to the wedding. According to George, Debbie went a bit crazy about a couple of months before the wedding but linked it to Bridezilla type issues. I remember at the Bridal Shower, Penelope looked very sad and withdrawn. My mom and I took her for dessert after the Shower to talk to her and see how things were going. She complained about her dad never spending any time with her and Debbie yelling at her all the time. She was getting blamed for things her one step-brother did. They got whatever they wanted but she didn't get anything. We spoke to George and he said that Penelope had been getting into trouble and she wasn't telling us the truth about things. She was having a hard time adjusting. We were suspicious but it made sense. So Penelope started 3rd grade at her 3rd school. She really struggled with her one step-brother. He was very competitive with her for the affections of both the parents. And he took that competition to school and tried to make her social life miserable. He told her that it was his school and he will make it impossible for her to make any friends. Anyway, he wanted George's attention. And George liked having sons. He wanted a boy when Penelope was born. He wanted a friend to play with. He wanted someone to do boy stuff with. Unfortunately Debbie didn't want a girl to do girl stuff with. I remember her joking about not knowing how to raise a girl, she was used to boys. But back to school, I gave the school a copy of my guardianship paperwork. I wanted to keep an eye on Penelope. I still felt responsible for her and I worried about her. I spoke to both her parents frequently and Debbie would tell me about all the things she was doing to help Penelope with her school work. Penelope would go to tutoring program through the school twice a week, she would sit with her to help her with her homework, and she would tell me how she worried about her. All the right things.
Then one evening that February while I was leaving work, George called me and asked me to go get Penelope. That her and Debbie and gotten into a fight and Penelope wanted to run away. George was working and couldn't go. I headed that direction. My intention was to not allow Penelope to run away but to be supportive of Debbie but also make sure Penelope knew that running away from her problems wasn't the answer. I spoke to George again and he said that he had talked to Debbie again and she wanted Penelope to leave. That if she wanted to leave, then she didn't want to make her stay. The reason they got into a fight is because Penelope broke a rule and Debbie said "If you don't start minding me, I'm going to kick you and your dad out." I just couldn't believe that. George was the jack*ss. He had to have made that up. Debbie and George had been fighting the past week because he didn't run an errand for her because he had to go to work or something like that. I figured it was his way of trying to make me mad at her. Something both him and his ex were good at doing, getting people to jump on their bandwagons. Anyway, I went to the house and Penelope was packed with her coat on. I sent her to her room while I spoke to Debbie. I talked to Debbie for a while and she would tell me what a horrible child Penelope was and all the things she would do. Like if Debbie said "go left" Penelope would go right just to spite her. This isn't the child that I knew. She complained that George was never around to help and it was so much to deal with. George took a position at work that had him gone a lot during the week. I told her I knew how high maintenance (with school) Penelope can be and I would be more than happy to come and be a helper, and extra set of hands. She seemed to like that idea - but didn't want to impose. We talked for a bit about George. I could complain about George for a week straight and we were talking about some of his annoying characteristics laughing about it. She had told me something that he told her I said that wasn't true. I then said "You know what he said YOU said? That you said to Penelope 'If you don't start minding me, then I'm going to kick you and your dad out.' You didn't say that!... right?" And she got flustered and said "Well....I just couldn't take it anymore!" She went into some uninteresting reason why she felt it was justified to say that. I wasn't listening. I stood up. She got quiet. I was so mad I could hardly speak. In a very monotone probably barely audible voice, I told her that I was taking Penelope with me. No one will talk to her that way. No child deserves that kind of pressure. I went over to Penelope's room, opened the door, and told Penelope it was time to go. Debbie was speechless I guess because she didn't say anything. Just stood there and watched as we left. She called George and told him that I yelled at her and talked down to her. She told him about the offer I made about coming and helping out. How dare I? I don't have any kids of my own so how would I know how to raise a child? After all that I've witnessed and learned about Penelope's situation, that is probably one of the dumbest questions I've ever heard.
George left Debbie and stayed with our parents. He told Debbie that he was going to be where his daughter was.. Not that he was. I live 45 minutes away from my parents. He ended up moving back in with her a couple weeks later. He wanted Penelope to move back in but I couldn't subject her to that again. Eventually she did after George said they were going to family therapy and that she had changed a lot and was very sorry. Penelope went to their house for a weekend visit and ended up getting snowed in. We had a bad snowstorm so it took a few days before I could even retrieve her. By then and after several conversations, we all agreed she could stay. It didn't take long before Debbie regressed back to her old ways. About a month later, on a Friday I got a call from George saying that Debbie had kicked him and Penelope out. Penelope had told a teacher that Debbie was beating her with a wooden spoon so the teacher called Child Services on her. That was the last straw for her. Penelope said she was sorry. George said that when he got home from work that day all their things had been packed waiting for him. George and Penelope moved in with me.
I felt bad for both of them. I met with Penelope's school to talk to them about it, to let them know she was living with me and what our plan was. I met with the guidance counselor who I had met in an earlier meeting about Penelope's grades. I told her that I wasn't mad at them for calling Child Services causing this situation.. But she interrupted me and sympathetically told me that no one at the school had called Child Services. She said that she would know about it because they have a protocol on these types of situations. It goes through her. She lied. SHE LIED. She forced Penelope to admit to doing something she didn't do! I wanted to kill her. This poor child. George tried to get more information from Debbie about the situation. He confronted her and she insisted that she received a call from Child Services. A message was left with her mother, who was living there at the time. After calling them to try to track down who had called to find out the details, we learned that no one had called from the agency. So we thought maybe it was the mother wanting to get rid of George and Penelope. Debbie's parents didn't like the arrangement because it meant their summer home when they weren't in Florida was more crowded. Debbie finally admitted that her mother had given her an ultimatum about support her parents give her would stop unless George and Penelope weren't kicked out. That her mother was sick of them fighting. So she had planned on kicking them out for a couple of weeks. She came up with this plan on blaming Penelope. When George was arguing with her about being kicked out, she said with Penelope right there "I don't want a daughter. I don't want to raise her." So this is the second mother that has rejected her.
I had a hard time with allowing George to move in with me. But I was also pretty mad at him for knowing that Penelope had to be subjected to Debbie who reverted back to her old ways and didn't pull her out before it escalated to this traumatic experience. The arrangement was that he could stay until the end of the summer, about 3 1/2 months. He was to pay rent for himself, money for groceries for Penelope. But Penelope was staying with me after he moved out. He was fine with that. But between his total lack of money management and that Debbie had pocketed all his earnings but failed to pay any of his bills the entire 6 months they were together, he was horribly in debt. She had also opened two credit cards in his name and max'd them out without his knowledge. "For the wedding" she said. But he had stopped paying rent or groceries after the first month. I didn't see another dime until 6 months later. He was still living with me and was making absolutely no headway at moving out. After 10 months I had to put a deadline for his moving out. I was absolutely miserable. Living with him was the most miserable time of my life. I thought about suicide. I don't think I would have ever tried but it sometimes preoccupied my thoughts and the idea of not feeling any more pain. Penelope was a mess from the traumatic experience of living with a wicked step-mother. Her father was never around and when she would try to talk to him he always sided with his wife. She was only nice to her when her dad was around, otherwise Penelope was treated like dirt. Debbie would spank her almost daily with the wooden spoon. Penelope would say that she was spanked all the time. George said that Debbie didn't do that but admitted that he gave her permission to use the spoon on her but only once.
In my home, George treats her like crap yelling at her and not acknowledging her emotional needs. Her role in life was to be George's servant - get him his shoes and make him food to eat. I was raising her but when he was home he would undermined me and tell me how horrible of a job I was doing because I was too codling. We fought all the time. Also, George was still married to Debbie, having made no effort to divorce her. Penelope knew this and also knew that George was still in contact with Debbie. Penelope was scared of Debbie. George finally admitted that he was trying to work things out with Debbie and was planning on taking Penelope with him. I had Penelope in therapy and the therapist told me that George had to give Penelope closer one way or another about Debbie. He didn't trust her but wanted to save his marriage. George said he would tell Penelope when he made the decision but she will just have to wait. She doesn't need to know. Penelope was a mess, afraid that any day her dad was going to move her again and maybe even back to Debbie. When I would tell him he can't do that to her, she is scared of her, he would talk to Penelope about it and get her to admit it would be okay to go back to Debbie. But to me she would say she just wants her dad to be happy and she knows it's her fault they split up. She had so much guilt. She had nightmares about Debbie kidnapping her and killing her, or Debbie would tell George that she wanted Penelope to come back but as soon as they went back, Debbie would talk George into leaving her at an orphanage and she would die there.
There was even a night when I thought Penelope had gotten lice from school. She had been itching for a couple of days and a note had come home about an outbreak. I wasn't sure if she had it or not. George wanted to look at her, grabbed at her hair for about 3 seconds in poor lighting said "Na, she doesn't have it." I told her that I wanted to treat her hair just in case. He yelled at me and told me he checked and she doesn't have it. I called my mom and she agreed it is better safe than sorry. She told me just to go to the store. So I left and headed to the store. He called me to find out where I went. He yelled at me with Penelope in the room telling me that if I showed up with lice shampoo that he was going to pack Penelope up and they were leaving. I heard her start to scream "NOOOOO" and cry in the background. I yelled at him for saying that in front of her. He said she wasn't there. Right.
Anyway, George ended up ending the relationship with Debbie. Not for the right reason but at least he ended it. George was going on a bike trip. Debbie wanted to go with him but she doesn't ride bikes and isn't part of that crowd. She was going to go get a hotel room at their destination for them to be together. Debbie then needed to use his credit card to reserve the room. But he found out her intention was to use it to pay for the room. That pissed him off. She hadn't changed like she said she had. After completely denying that Debbie was mean to Penelope, now he was willing to say that Debbie hurt Penelope. That was too a reason he isn't going back to Debbie, so he said. Penelope is in 4th grade at this point, back in my community. At the beginning of 4th grade, she is academically at the beginning of 3rd grade. Her 3rd grade year was a very bad year for her personally and she didn't progress much. But by the end of 4th grade she was reading at grade level. Very proud of her. But the school is very tough. They really put the pressure on for the state level tests. About two weeks before the annual test, pressure is high, and something happens with her friendship with her best friend. This girl teamed up with two other girls who had been picking on Penelope at school on and off all school year. That just destroyed Penelope and she cracked. She wrote me a suicide letter and even marked on her chest a big red X over her heart, where she was going to stab herself. She ended up in the hospital for 7 days.This was a new experience for both of us. I was so upset for this child. I didn’t know what to do, how to help her. I just felt like she was dying because of her broken heart and I felt totally lost as how to protect her. She was so scared at night. I stayed with her almost every night there. The nights I didn’t, her grandfather stayed. They wanted to release her after day 5 but my dad and I didn’t think she was ready, that her issues hadn’t really been addressed. She was being the perfect little charmer while she was there, acting well adjusted and agreeable as can be. I was worried that she was fooling them just to earn enough points to get out. They had a system where the child earns points to get out. The kids would get points for being good and participating. Little Miss Perfect was racking up the points. They said that they didn’t have enough to keep her.That was when she was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, PTSD, and Major Depression, in addition to her ADHD that I had her tested for towards the end of 2nd grade. It was enlightening to learn about RAD. It fit. I called it "high maintenance" but all the characteristics that were listed about RAD were Penelope. Lying, stealing, manipulation, charming, wanting to be the boss, etc. School was out shortly after she got out of the hospital. Thank goodness. She was a different child when she came home. She seemed calmer at first, but her agitation grew. Her symptoms got worse. I had scheduled a meeting with her family members - her grandmothers, her parents, and myself. The purpose was to discuss what the hospital said but also to explain Penelope's need for stability. The inconsistency of her visits with her mother was really hurting her - mostly. They contemplated recommending having Penelope not see her mother for 6 months but the doctor said that Penelope wasn't stable enough for that change. I agreed that would have been devastating to her. Even with everything that Harriet has done to her, she is so scared of being abandoned by her mother. Another issue was her lack of routine and sleep with her dad on the weekends and how it would take a day or two to get over affecting her Monday and Tuesday's attitude and performance in school. Before the family meeting, after telling her maternal grandmother about the inconsistency of Harriet's visitations, she alerted me that Harriet had shared with her a reason that explains it but it wasn't for her to say. So at this meeting we had at a local coffee shop, I asked Harriet what the reason was. I told her that if it's something that is putting Penelope in harms way, I need to know. I figured it was some accusation towards George but I needed her to say it in front of George in order for me to buy it. He's creepy and all that but it's been pretty apparent what her agenda has been. When I asked her again what the problem was, she just stared at me with the most evil look. I acted like I could read her expression. I said that this was the perfect opportunity to get it out in the open what ever it was because we are all here wanting to do what is best. She got up and ran to the bathroom. Her mother went after her. She came back and said that Harriet didn't feel comfortable saying it there. She would call me later and tell me. I told everyone there that regardless of what it is, since I'm going to be the one at the visits from now on, that things there should be no reason why visitations shouldn't happen. See, one of the decisions made when she was in the hospital is that Penelope needed more consistency which included no more entire weekends or even overnights with her father. He was telling her when she was over there how he was planning on moving her back in with him, eventually. That didn't help his case either. So Penelope would see her father one day a weekend every weekend and her mother one day a weekend every other weekend.
The big secret ended up being that Harriet said the reason over the past 5 years she would cancel or shorten her visits with her daughter was because George “inappropriately tried to touch her.” Now, I know what a sleaze George is. But I also know what a liar Harriet is and this allegation doesn’t make sense. Why come out with it now if you really wanted to see Penelope? Why not call him to the carpet at the coffee house where we could protect her. The truth will set you free. If it’s true, there really wasn’t anything to worry about. Why would you call someone who did that on a regular basis to tell him your own life woes? Or ask him to help you with finding an apartment and things like that? I have to say it was total BS.That summer, Penelope went back to the same day camp that she was at the summer prior. But this year, she has a really hard time making friends and if anything had created a situation where kids would pick on her. She also had some incidences that had me really worried about her ability to finish the summer at the camp. Maybe she was too much for the staff. The first incidence was when I received a call saying that Penelope was having a hard time breathing having pain in her chest. She seemed okay but had those complaints so they wanted me to pick her up. I made an appointment with her doctor and went to pick her up. By the time I got her in the car, she seemed fine but when you asked about it, she was in a lot of pain etc. I took her to the doctor who said that she might have broken a rib. So I took her to Children’s Hospital. She was fine the entire time we were there. X-rays were taken and she was perfectly fine. The X-ray was subject to the deductible under the health insurance. Then a few weeks after that, I got a call from the camp director letting me know that Penelope was on her way via ambulance to the ER because she was stung by a bee. Penelope told the staff that she threw up and it was because she was stung by a bee. Her medical info on file didn't say anything about being allergic to bees but she claimed she was. When the Camp Director spoke to Penelope she said "I was stung by a bee but I left my epipen at home." The Camp Director knows Penelope's tendency to lie but how would she know about an epipen? She knew someone might have planted the seed by asking her if she has an epipen but who's to know for sure? So she called 911. When they arrived, the EMT started asking her questions about symptoms related to an allergic bee sting. The Camp Director said she could see the symptoms manifest in Penelope as the EMT asked the questions. When she called me and told me what had happened, I'm saying "Oh no... No she's not.. Oh no... d*mnit!" I thanked her and told her she did the right thing but to know for the future she is NOT allergic to bees. I went to the hospital and they had already had her in a room hooked up to monitors and all of that. She just laid there like she was sick. There were like 2 doctors and 3 nurses in the room looking down at her in sympathy. I'm looking at her with daggers. She sees that and avoids my eyes. Someone else walks in the room and starts talking to Penelope. "So you are allergic to bees?" She says "Yes..." I said "NO" they looked at me and back at her. They asked her "Have you ever been stung by a bee before?" She pauses and says "No.." I said "Yes." They kept her to test her blood pressure and make sure she truly didn't have any symptoms. That's fine, we are already here. If she was still in the waiting room, my plan was to just take her home but that wasn't the case. I explained her recent hospital stay and diagnosis. They understood and discharged her after all tests came back. At the end of the summer, the last issue we had at camp was Penelope wanting to be part of the cool girls’ crowd. She was so happy they wanted to be her friend. They were going to show her how to wear her hair, what kind of clothes to wear, what kind of music to listen too etc. I was worried. I tried to talk to her about what cool really means and try not to dismiss these new friends but talk about using good judgment. Didn't help. One day I picked Penelope up from camp and because of the way she had her sunglasses pulling back her hair I didn't notice it right away. Someone had taken a pair of little kid scissors and cut her hair SHORT. Her bangs were like 5 different lengths. She didn't have bangs before. The back was all different lengths. They claim they were trying to make her hair look cool. I took her to three different hair dressers trying to fix it. It was so bad one of the stylists suggested keeping part of it in a barrette until it grew out because there just wasn't anything you could do with it. Now it's over 6 months after this happened and her hair is still on the short side. So now she is starting 5th grade which is the first year in the middle school. Lots of new kids to potentially meet. Also older kids go to this school. After how she was at camp and the fact that her best friend at camp was a 1st grader, I was very concerned about how she was going to do socially in middle school. She was working with her tutor all through the summer and she was beginning the new school year reading at grade level, which is the first time since she started school. The school year did not have a good start. I was trying to schedule a time to meet with her lead teacher in order to renew and update her "504" which is like an IEP. I didn't get a response until the 3rd week of school. And then I find out that is only because all her teachers were complaining about her focus and behavior and they want to find out what is wrong with her. One of the issues that happened, kind of a progression from the summer, I had received a call from the school nurse because Penelope had passed out in class during a stretching exercise. This school nurse was shocked and disgusted by my lack of concern. Penelope had started a few weeks early doing this stretching thing in the middle of whatever and losing her balance because she gets lightheaded. Then she would tell me she passed out. I would argue with her about that. So I knew what she was up to. I asked her if she reported she passed out or if someone has said they witnessed her pass out. She was shocked I would ask such a question. I caved and told her I would come get her and take her to the most expensive neurosurgeon in the country to cut open her head and fix her passing out problem. Okay, I didn't say all of that but I promised I would take her to a doctor. I didn't. Sue me. Actually that's fine. I'd rather spend all my money on something other than medical expenses for a change. Crying out for attention? Something like that. I'm not sure what has made that stop, maybe just the progression of her illness. The next thing that happened, a couple weeks later, after Harriet pushed back her visitation to the following weekend, after that weekend coming and finding out that Harriet has taken off again to go live 2 hours away. Not that there is a good time for this, but this was a really bad time. She already hadn't seen her in over a month - this is that whole lack of consistency thing, breaking promises/lying to her. I had to tell Penelope her mother had moved a few hours away but said that as soon as she was able to get a car, she was going to come up and visit her. But I didn't know when that would be. Of course she cried but she actually handled it better than I thought she would. The about 4 days later I found out that Harriet had moved back, it wasn't what she had planned on. But she hadn't called to reschedule her visitation. You know, the one that was killing her to have to miss? I wasn't going to tell Penelope her mother was back until she made an effort to contact me to schedule her visitation. Two weeks later, we still hadn't heard from her. Penelope had gotten a hold of my cell phone and tried to call her mother. No answer. So she called her grandmother. She asked her if her mom was with her, she thought her mom had moved away to live with her grandmother. Not realizing that there might be a reason why Penelope doesn't know where her mother is, she says "Oh, she is back up there. Didn't she call you? I drove her myself. She is staying with a friend." This was so devastating to Penelope. She is only 11 years old and would hang on to any shred of evidence that her mother actually loves her. Why didn't her mom call to her? Her grandmother must have got off the phone with Penelope and called Harriet and yelled at her for not calling Penelope. So Harriet called George, not me, trying to get a hold of Penelope. George was at a family birthday party and we showed up a little later, delayed by this event. He told me about her call. I told him that we are here now so call her back. Penelope spoke to her for a couple of minutes. Penelope asked her "Why didn't you call?" Harriet told her that I or George was suppose to tell her. That made Penelope start crying again. She ended the phone call. She was so sad the rest of the day. She was thinking "Why wouldn't my mom call me herself? She doesn't want to talk to me? I must be a horrible person for her not to love me." She was so sad and upset. That night she wrote me a note that said “I HATE MY MOMMY AND NEVER WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN!! I WANT YOU TO BE MY MOMMY.” I felt so bad for her; I didn’t know what to say. I wished I was her Mom but I didn’t know if that was the right thing to say.
The next day was Monday and she went to school. After school she was just acting very defiant. My mother, who had been staying with us for a couple of weeks to help out, was there to witness this. She refused to do her homework, procrastinating, whining and grunting and trying to get herself mad at me. She climbed under the table to hide and then tried to lock herself in the bathroom and climb out the window. During this she kept screaming and yelling. No words, just really loud screams. I tried to hold her on my lap and hug on her, which is something that used to work in the past to calm her down – show her love. Wasn’t working. She just kept screaming at the top of her lungs. Painful screams of someone in total agony. She tried to run back to the bathroom but my mom had the room blocked so Penelope headed downstairs. There is no way out of the basement; all the windows are glass blocks. So I followed her to make sure she was okay but didn’t chase her. Chasing her seemed to fuel the fire. I just wanted to keep her safe. She was acting like a scared animal, like a squirrel or bird that accidentally got inside the house trying to defend itself. If you got to close she would scream and hit. In the 30 more seconds it took me to get to the TV room, she had knocked everything out of the bookshelves and tipped over the chairs to block my path. We had used this room to orientate kittens into the household that I had gotten for her for her birthday 2 months earlier. There was a kitten playpen – about 4 ½ feet tall by 3 feet metal wire cage. Like a birdcage. She squeezed through the door and locked herself in. She continued to scream over and over again. I’m at my wits end but at least she was safe. We called her grandfather, who in many situations is the only person who can talk her down off this emotional ledge she gets herself on. He got her to calm down enough to talk to him and she stopped screaming. He was on his way. She wasn’t going to come out of the cage until her grandfather got there. Trying not to give her the attention she seemed to be looking for, I gave her a few of her stuffed animals she wanted and told her that I was going to be upstairs and to let me know if she needed anything. My mom and I contemplated taking her to the hospital. I didn’t leave the top of the steps. I heard her scooting the cage over into the playroom. I called down asking if she needed anything. She said “No, I’m killing myself.” I acted like I didn’t hear her and said “I’m sorry what did you say?” and went down the stairs. She must have hidden a garden hand rake in a toy bin because she was holding it to her chest just below her neck. Like she was holding herself hostage. If I got any closer she was going to kill herself. She was pressing it kind of hard on her because I could see where her skin was being pushed in. But she had a look of pain on her face like it hurt.
I called my mom to help me get it away from her. The moment my mom saw Penelope, she started tearing the cage apart. Of course Penelope was screaming and kicking but my mom ripped it open far enough for me to pull Penelope out. She ran up stairs and went to the bathroom and stuck her head out the window screaming. At this time my dad shows up. We were all relieved, including Penelope. He took her into her room and they had a quiet discussion. She told him that she got mad because I yelled grabbed her arm and grandma yelled at her. Maybe that was because we were trying to keep her safe? But that’s not something she was willing to connect. But she had calmed down enough to eat dinner, even though she was mad at us. She made snide comments about my cooking being bad and little things like that. To make sure I knew.
We didn’t take her to the hospital because I didn’t feel it was a suicide attempt. It was more like she was trying to hold herself hostage. I look back on it and thought we probably should have, but it ended up happening a couple of days later anyway.
During this time and the prior week, I had found out through Penelope’s therapist at the hospital about a couple of Attachment Therapists who have a two week intensive program in a nearby city. I emailed her often between sessions because of all that seemed to happen so she knew Penelope was getting worse and I needed help. I had found out the earliest I could get her in the 2 week intensive was the first week of November – 6 weeks away. She isn’t going to make it that long without another visit to the hospital.
Two days later, Harriet called again. I suspected the call was prompted by her mother since she said she was going to discuss with her why she didn’t call her daughter. But Penelope didn't want to talk to her. I told Harriet that. She got mad and said "Really?! … Wow!... Great!" and hung up. I interpreted her tone to be, "I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't."
It was either that or she was mad at me for not making Penelope talk to her. Harriet caused a big stir that Mother's Day because she had called to talk to Penelope but Penelope didn't want to talk to her. Because I didn't make her talk to her, I received a phone call from Harriet's mother saying that Harriet called her crying saying that I wouldn't let her talk to her daughter on Mother's Day. I explained that it wasn't me. Penelope didn't want to talk to her. She proceeded to tell me that it was my job to make Penelope talk to her. That I shouldn't just let Penelope do whatever she wants to do. Yes, I should make Penelope thank her mother for being who she is and all she has done for her. Yes, that's exactly what Penelope needed to do.
Anyway, after Harriet hung up on me, Penelope wanted to know what Harriet wanted. I said "She didn’t say. Do you want to call her to find out?" She said okay. She called her mother and was talking cordial with her. But then she started to tell her how hurt she was because of all the lies. That she used to lock her in her closet. Then she got quiet, listening and her face started to crunch up and she began to cry and threw down the phone and ran off to my room. I picked up the phone and said "What did you say to her??" Harriet said "Nothing!" I told her to hold on. I went to Penelope who was having a meltdown on my bed. I asked her what happened. She repeated what she asked and then said Harriet yelled at her and said "Young lady! I have never lied to you!" Harriet admitted to saying “Young lady” but not yelling at her. She said with an exacerbated tone "What is going on with her?" I took the phone outside and I told her what was going on. I didn’t yell, or call her names or anything. I told how devastating it was to learn that she was back in town and hadn’t tried to see her when she hadn’t seen her in over a month. I told what happened Sunday night with the cage.. She first tried to say that she did call. I said “Oh Harriet, I know that’s not true. I have Caller ID and voicemail. She then said “I don’t even know why I call George.” I said, “I really don’t know either. I’m the one that has Penelope.” She only calls George to find out what is going on with Penelope or work out the visitation through him. I said "Your daughter lives with me." She said "I KNOW you have MY daughter" like I have stolen her or something. She then says, “To be honest, it’s easier to call George, no offense!” I know what that means, she would rather talk to the guy who inappropriately touches her and causes her to be the victim in not getting to see her daughter. Right. She hates me because I remind her that she doesn’t have her daughter. She also thinks I’m brainwashing Penelope into thinking Harriet is a bad person.
My parents and I have made a point not to say anything negative to Penelope about her mother. I would explain the reason why she did the things she did as her being sick. Not physically sick but a different kind of sickness. She was on Social Security Disability for a mental disorder. I was once told she had bi-polar disorder but then I was told about 6 months ago that wasn’t the case.
I said to Harriet, acting like I didn’t get the dig, that I didn’t know why it’s easier, I always have my cell phone with me, if I don’t answer, it’s because I’m in a meeting or on another call. So there isn’t a good reason why you haven’t called.” She said “But I’m not allowed to talk to her without your supervision, so..” which was a stipulation made at the family meeting for both parents because of their efforts to tell Penelope how someday she is going to leave with them. I said “I know. I am there when she talks to you.” She says with a tone like she has one up on me “I talked to her on Sunday when she was with George.” I said “I know that. I was there. When she sees George, I am there just like I am there when she sees you. I had asked George if you had called and he said yes so I told him to call you to see if you wanted to talk to Penelope.” I was surprised when I heard her start to sob and say “I got to go. I got to go.” And hung up.
I didn’t say these things to be mean. I was just stating facts. I didn’t understand at the time why it was such a revelation to her because this was the deal we had made at the family meeting. Everything was under supervision. I know that George didn’t hold his supervisory role with Harriet very seriously because it created too much of an inconvenience for him and I know she liked the freedom he allowed her. But what I didn’t know at the time is that Harriet was telling her mother that she did try to call Penelope when she got back into town and she finally got a hold of her on Sunday. But her mother and I were talking more frequently during that time and I had told her what had really happened that day so she was busted. Harriet’s mom believes her more than she should but she knows Harriet lies to her all the time. I have the same problem with George. I know I should believe anything he says but he gets me once in a while and I find out he lied and I just want to smack myself in the head. George and Harriet are two peas in a pod, more so they either of them or their parents would like to admit. The other thing that I think was going on, and it’s easy to see this now that I’m looking back at it, is that George liked to make Harriet believe that I gave him more freedoms than I gave her. That it was a “we” against her type of thing. Because it was again, his way of saying, he didn’t do anything wrong, it was all Harriet and “we” all only blame Harriet. I knew around that time, maybe shortly after, that he would tell Harriet that he would have Penelope for longer periods of time than he actually got to spend with her. He did spend more time with her, but that was because if it was up to him, he’d meet at 7am and leave at 9pm. We would usually meet at lunch time and I’d have to end the visit so Penelope could get ready for bed. But I believe he had Harriet thinking it was back to him having her on the weekends like it was before. I know he was really pushing for that. Wanted to know when she could spend the night and things like that.
Anyway, after she hung up the phone with me, she called George. And said “I’m going to kill myself because of that f*cking b*tch of a sister!” and hung up. I told him about the conversation and that I never yelled at her, was matter of fact and told her things she didn’t like to hear I guess. George told me he ended up talking to her later, and she had said that she was giving up. That she will continue to pay him $20/week for child support but she isn’t going to make any effort to see Penelope if she hates her. If she wants to see her, she will see her.
Of course Penelope doesn’t know about the last part and most of the conversation. But I told that I explained to Harriet what was going on and how hurt she was. I also told her how proud I was that she told Harriet what she was really feeling. She hadn’t been able to share her feelings before. She seemed calmer and a little happier. Relieved is probably more like it. A little bit of the burden she carries with her had been lifted because she told her mother how she felt. She actually got her homework done that night. It was a miracle. Much smaller issues have prevented homework in the past.
Of course I got an email from Harriet’s mother wanting to know what Penelope meant by all the lies and being locked in her closet. I told her that her comment about the lies shouldn’t be taken so literally. I knew she was accusing me or George of telling Penelope that her mother lies to her all the time. But we hadn’t, not that should be viewed as a problem now that I look back. But anyway, I said that Penelope has taken these last events as that this was the final sign that her mother really doesn’t love her. So she has lied every time she has said “I love you. I miss you. Etc.” Being upset, 11, not good at putting her thoughts together anyway, and nervous about saying what she was going to say to her mother, I think it’s understandable if it came out the way it did. I also explained that recently Penelope has been saying that Harriet had locked her in her closet. I said I don’t think it was the closet, but rather her room, but probably felt like a closet with how upsetting it would be. My mother told me that would explain the scratches on her bedroom door when she was little and we did know she would leave her in her crib when she was smaller. She wouldn’t accept that. She questioned Harriet and Harriet denied locking her in her room or her closet. Later, Harriet did admit to locking her in her room when she met with Penelope’s Attachment Therapists. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
A couple of days later is Saturday and Penelope and I spent the day with my other brother and his family. Everything seemed fine, but on the way home she seemed very sad and started talking about seeing someone kill one of her cats (when she lived with her dad with all the farm cats) by putting it in an industrial mulcher machine and having blood go everywhere and hearing the scream. We had just had a bad storm that caused some trees to blow down so you would see these tree mulchers on the road when you traveled places so I’m thinking that was why this story took that type of theme. But it really upset her. When we got home, she went into a full rage episode because she didn’t want to go to bed. She regressed into an animal, grunting, moaning, screaming, and throwing things. She had such hate in her eyes. Telling me what a horrible person I was and she hates me. We had a rock we used as a door stopper that she picked up and threatened to bash me with. She put it down. But she kept taking this little plastic toy and whipping at me. It left some welts. She barricaded herself in the corner of her room, very animalistic. We called her grandfather. She told him she wanted her life to end. She asked him to please kill her. I said that was it, she was going to the hospital.
This time they kept her for 10 days. I let her stay there and didn’t stay any of the nights. I think she was handling being there a bit better but I also wanted her to not have me to cling to and really dive in to what was going on there. Not faking sanity. Her first 2 days she was in a unit that had only teenagers. Those kids kind of took her under their wing but she wasn’t talking too much about her problems. She shared why she there in group but the kids that were there mostly were for running away. They would tell her how wanting to kill herself was wrong etc. But once she got into the unit with kids her age, her true feelings came out more. She told them how angry she was at her Mommy. Her assigned psychiatrist gave her a journal to write her angry thoughts in. I think it’s the most disturbing journal I had ever seen. She filled up half the journal with pictures of her mother’s death in different ways, or full page size words like “F*CK” and “B*TCH” and KILL KILL KILL. Then one day I showed up to visit her and a poster she had on the wall from a Littlest Pet Shop sticker books I gave her. Written all over it were things that were in her journal and she drew on some of the pets making them either throw up, poop, pee, or having sex. The next morning she showed up to breakfast with I AM DEATH and KILL KILL KILL with skull and cross bones and an evil grin drawn all over her silky pjs with a black marker. They didn’t know when she could have drawn it because Penelope had a hard time going to bed because she “craving a cigarette” because she is “addicted to cigarettes.” Harriet is a heavy smoker and something that Penelope has always hated about Harriet because she learned in school and society in general that smoking kills. So in her head, Harriet could die any day from smoking. But when I heard about this cigarette obsession, I was totally confused. I know she doesn’t smoke. I even told her she doesn’t smoke and she said she does. She just was afraid to tell me. But I know better. She has no access to cigarettes.
The reason she stayed in the hospital for a longer time was because she wanted to kill her Mother. That was what they told me. The additional diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder was tagged on to her already long list of mental disorders. The psychiatrist told me he recommended that Penelope not see her mother until both Penelope is healthier and Harriet went through her own counseling in order to stop causing Penelope trauma, and then eventually be reintroduced through family therapy. I told him I needed it in writing. This was in September 2008, 6 months ago and Harriet still hasn’t sought therapy. She says she is on a waiting list. Anyway, they couldn’t speak to her relationship with her father since Penelope wasn’t displaying issues with her father. He said that was up to us, but he didn’t have a problem with her not seeing her father. As a family we decided to prevent him from seeing her too.
The day she was discharged was Penelope’s first visit with her new Attachment Therapists. The appointment was to conduct the assessment before the intensive, mostly just to get history and have an initial discussion with Penelope. Based on the conversation I had with the lead therapists, it was apparent she was going to need the intensive. When we were not in the room during therapy with Penelope, we could watch on a TV in the other room. They would have her lay across their laps, with their hands resting on her arm or leg, and they used direct eye contact and they insisted on her giving direct eye contact. It was done very caring and discussion was tactful but direct. They had Penelope’s attention. She was also open to therapy having just come out of the hospital.
She started the Intensive about 3 weeks later. During that time, and really before than, my relationship with my employer started to really deteriorate. It probably didn’t help that I had learned to hate my job. Around the time that George and Penelope moved in with me, I had found out that the company I worked for, based out of a different state, had decided to sell our geographical division. My position and another position based out of here were corporate level positions. He was planning on moving to the headquarters but I was on the fence about it. Penelope was living with George and Debbie at the time and I didn’t know if I should be so far from her, plus more so I had reservations about the integrity of the company based on some things that I had uncovered about their insurance program that was unethical and in my opinion unlawful. It jeopardized the entire business because if the insurance carrier found out, they would have cancelled and we would have lost all our clients. I made sure that the management team knew about this oversight and its potential liability. The lack of action really bothered me. But 6 months later, they sold us. The one person stayed with the company but I was going with the new company. All the work I did for them… Anyway, my job changed significantly. I became very administrative and a generalist. Because I was working for a much smaller company I had to wear a bunch of hats. What I specialized in became only a portion of my job. And I had a huge learning curve on the other stuff. I’m grateful that I had the job because about 6 months after the transfer, the old company went bankrupt and the officers were looking at federal indictments for tax evasion. Didn’t see that one coming. But learned that it was related to why we were sold, the money was to be used to help their financials in order to get license. According to the CFO, that was also why he falsified tax forms.
Anyway, so I’m dealing with that at work and George living with us. My life sucked from my perspective. Then with all that was going on at home, and trying to stay on top of all that I was suppose to do for this new company, I was drowning. I tried to keep afloat. I am the sole breadwinner. When Penelope started going into the hospital I started making some big mistakes at work. Totally forgetting deadlines, and getting really behind. I went to the doctor who put me on blood pressure medication and an anti-depressant as well as thyroid medication. She wanted me to take some FMLA but I knew that I couldn’t afford it and felt I could get through it. The anti-depressant helped with my constant spontaneous crying but I still was miserable. I felt so out of control and hopeless. My memory was shot. I thought I was going nuts. Really big items would be completely forgotten. I’m surprised I could find my way around. I was so pre-occupied with Penelope and how I needed to figure out how to help her. I had talked to my boss about it several times, letting him know how I’m working as hard as I can but I am struggling. He told me he views me as a single mother with a handicapped child. He said I should take up walking. It helps with depression. Then shortly before Penelope went into the hospital the second time, I had spoken to him about taking FMLA time for her 2 week intensive. I said that I might need other days too because I didn’t think she was going to make it to the intensive without going to the hospital first. We made a plan of me training others on how to do my job for when I was gone for two weeks. I had to write out everything I did so others could do it. When Penelope ended up in the hospital about a week later, my boss really started coming down on me about projects. If I needed to leave to go meet with the hospital treatment team, he would email me a list of things he wanted me to do before the end of my work day once I got back. I would get back to the office around 6pm and be there until late. I made a point to be at work as much as possible but I had to transport her one day to get a CT scan and the only thing he wanted to know is how long it was going to take. I called my dad and he ended up taking her for me instead. I told my boss that and he said “Okay.” He had a conversation with me later that week stating that he has always portrayed the company as a family friendly company. But he has to look out for the best interest of his company and my personal life was pulling me away from work, interfering with that. I told him that I was doing my best, that I know that I am entitled by law to FMLA, but unlike most companies that are covered by this law; we really have a staff of 7 employees so it is a burden to have me miss the work. That’s why I stay and try to do the best I can. He understood but he was also putting on the pressure. We had talked about taking some of the things I do off my plate but then, it was like we never had the conversation. He still would send me the paperwork to do and say “When you can..”
Right before Penelope started her Intensive, I quit my job. I had made another mistake and I couldn’t emotionally face dealing with the consequences of it or even fixing it. I had been sick for 2 days with a horrible migraine, throwing up and barely able to move. I just had let everything come down on me. I hadn’t looked at my blackberry for a couple of days but was feeling better by the second night. There was a progression of emails that basically were dealing with an issue a client had done and the owner went looking in my office for something. Then he found something that I forgot to do and ended up removing everything in my office and spreading it out over the conference table. All my calls and emails were being transferred. He had a meeting first thing the next morning but wanted to meet with me. My mom was still staying with me. I called my dad and told him what happened and that I needed to quit. I couldn’t deal with it. He said that was fine, we would work it out. We all knew I was crushing under the pressure of Penelope’s illness or I wouldn’t have become such a bad employee. I’d always been a very dependable, indispensable hard working employee. I climbed the corporate ladder rather quickly. But those past 1 ½ years I wasn’t me anymore. My mother drove me down, I went in to the office, wrote a resignation, and put it on his desk with my phone and keys. We decided not to tell Penelope and she still doesn’t know. She would blame herself, and she would also want to me be homeschooled – because of the problems she created for herself at school.
The Intensive went okay. I think she was a little fake and didn’t really address her rage as much as she could have. But there were some good events. It was interesting to see them directly address with her what her mother and father did to her. The big message they were sending her was that “It’s not your fault” she is not a bad child. She even said she was a bad baby. They told her there is no such thing as a bad baby. Babies can cry a lot but that doesn’t make them bad. This was a big message they kept reinforcing. She is not a bad person and it wasn’t her fault. It’s not her fault her parents do the things that they do. The other thing they did was take a foam noodle and use it as a bat on a picture of her Harriet. So she could let out her anger and say what she would like to say to her, safely. She couldn’t do it with her father. We talked about George with Penelope, but they felt that their relationship is different and she couldn’t go through that with him. We did “noodle work” on Debbie too. But mostly Harriet. They then talked to her about letting go of the anger towards Harriet. It was interesting to see how they didn’t refer to Harriet as “your mom” but “Harriet”. They wanted her to do the same thing. They said “She wasn’t a real mom. A real mom does this and that. She didn’t do those things for you did she?” “No.” “Who does those things for you?” “Aunt” “So you should call her Mom from now on. She’s your real Mom. She takes care of you. Harriet is your birth mom but Aunt is your Mom now.” It was surprising how easily she let go of Harriet. It did take a bit to get her to call me Mom. I didn’t push it. It was hard for me to hear myself. Someone calling me Mom? Letting go of Harriet really gave Penelope a new sense of calm. She was happier. Now mind you she is scared of Harriet, and has been since her last hospital stay. But she really never talks about her except her fear she is going to take her away, kidnap her, yell at her and kill her. I think when she sees her, she will still call her Mommy which is okay. Maybe when she is older she will feel safer about calling her Harriet. Harriet doesn’t know about this name change. She would never understand. It won’t go over well when she finds out but I don’t care. George didn’t like the name change either. I think partly because he thought he was next but mostly I think because he wants to make sure Penelope remembers who her mother is. I ask why but he just repeats that. I think it’s because he wants her to remember him in comparison and how she should be gracious for what he has done for her. Selfish as usual.
We have been going to weekly therapy ever since. She also has been getting neuro-biofeedback or what we call Brain Training. It unconsciously retrains her brain to become more regulated. To help with her trauma centers. To help her process better. Help restart some things that got stuck due to her trauma.
After the 2 week intensive things were better. She had a couple moderate meltdowns. Mostly because she missed her father. But also because she really was having a hard time in school. I can’t remember if I talked about this already but Penelope has a “504” plan in place and it needed to be renewed at the beginning of the school year. I met with them right before she went into the hospital, my first issue with them. I was still working at the time and knew that I needed to really preserve my off work time. I had sent an email to Penelope’s lead teacher to set up a time. About a week later, I received an email from the school guidance counselor who was scheduling the meeting with all her teachers, herself, the school nurse, the Intervention Specialist (works with special need kids) and the school psychologist. They wanted to meet at 3:15, right after school about two weeks from the setting of the appointment. Fine. The day before the meeting, I get an email saying that Penelope’s lead teacher, the one I really wanted to meet with, won’t be able to make it. I sent an email saying “Let me know when you want to reschedule the meeting.” I got an email back saying that they were keeping the meeting due to the urgency of the meeting. Her teachers were expressing concern. I told her I felt that the lead teacher needed to be there. She responded by saying that they wouldn’t be able to all get together again until the end of the month so they were keeping the appointment. “Hope you can make it.” I called her and told her I needed a better reason. That my time is valuable too and I didn’t want this meeting to be a waste of time. She told me that it wouldn’t be a waste of time, that she would share the notes from the meeting with her lead teacher, and if I wanted what was best for Penelope I would make the meeting. Lovely right?So I have the meeting with them. Of her three core studies teachers, two made it but of them one needed “to leave soon.” He just wanted to know “What’s wrong with her?” So I explained a brief history and Penelope’s diagnosis. I explained what works best for her as well as what was recommended by her 4th grade teacher for accommodations in her Plan. I explained how yelling is extremely counterproductive to her. Talking to her matter of factly works best. But warned that she makes up stories, has a tendency to steal things, and also has a tendency to get injured or fake injury or illness. I shared with them her summer ailments and we talked about the fainting incident since it had just happened the week prior. The nurse apologized for judging me about my reaction. I said that I knew she just didn’t know the full story. Penelope also did a lot of picking at her skin causing bleeding and scabs. I recommended that she only get to go to the nurse once a day. They said “What should we do if she needs another Band-Aid?” I said “Let her would bleed. Give her a tissue if you feel the need to. But it will stop eventually. She won’t bleed out.” They looked at me funny and maybe they thought that was mean but we all know she was doing it for attention as well as to procrastinate from doing her work. They also told me about her behavior in class, that she requires a lot of redirection to stay on task; she is all over the place. When everyone else is working on a worksheet or reading, Penelope is just sitting there. She always wants help on everything. I told them she was capable of doing the work. I explained how far she progressed last year. I said that I think she will do better for them once she establishes a relationship with them. She performed well for her teacher last year because she adored her. At the time, I really wasn’t expecting the kind of academic problems she ended up having. Her problems last year were due to her being so far behind. However, this year, she is a different child.
Anyway, I had scheduled a meeting for the next morning before school and work with her lead teacher. I went over the same things with her. In the conversation I mentioned that Penelope doesn’t like Mrs. Carpenter, the Intervention Specialist, but I’m sure it’s because she is being pushed. I also said that I didn’t want Penelope being treated any different than any other child. She has had a hard life but she has to be held accountable for her behavior and actions.
I bring up those two points because about a month later, I found out that some of Penelope’s 504 weren’t being accommodated. I had emailed her lead teacher and asked if Penelope was still getting help from Mrs. Carpenter and going to a separate room for tests? I waited until the end of the week with no response. So I emailed Mrs. Carpenter the same question. She responded right away and copied the other teachers and guidance counselor. She said that she was under the impression I didn’t want her working with Penelope anymore. I responded wanting to know what reason I gave? I could not think of any reason anyone would have received that impression. But that she has a written “504” plan that hasn’t been implemented and she deserves another opportunity. I wanted someone to call me TODAY to explain what happened and how we were going to give Penelope another opportunity to retake her tests.
I received an email to schedule a meeting the next week to discuss her 504 Plan. Two days later I received a call from the Principal. We had a long talk; I did a bit of yelling and crying. This was about a week before I quit my job and the beginning of her 2 week Intensive. The day prior Penelope had ran away from home with no provocation, other than a phone call I received from a co-worker who was still at work, and she was gone for about two hours before we found her. I told the Principal that the last thing I need now is to not have her teachers not on her side. I’m not use to this. The people at her primary school were much more supportive. He told me that he investigated the situation and was told that I had told her lead teacher that Penelope didn’t like Mrs. Carpenter and I didn’t want her to work with her anymore. That I didn’t want Penelope to be treated any different than any other child. I was pissed. This conversation he is referring to happened a month ago, not just a week ago. I said that was taken out of context. I said that Penelope didn’t like Mrs. Carpenter but she probably was being pushed by her and that part of life is learning to get a long with people you may not like. I said that I shared that information because I think it’s important for teachers to build a bond with their students and I was letting her know how she felt about all her teachers. That I didn’t think she had any relationship with Mr. Thomas, her Science/SS teacher. I also explained that I didn’t want Penelope treated differently when it came to the fact she has had a hard life. If you have a rule like, if homework is late, it gets an F; it should apply to Penelope too. He understood what I was saying and agreed with what I was saying. He said that he thinks it was just a misunderstanding (right) and at least it had only been a month. The thing he is having the most problem with is the fact that changes to the 504 should have been documented and agreed upon. I agreed that would have prevented this from happening, because I never would have agreed to it.
So we had a meeting the next week to go over the 504, as well as what we were going to do with Penelope missing two weeks due to the intensive to catch up. The Principal showed up for the meeting, even though he didn’t say anything. The guidance counselor, who I have learned to not like, asked if the hospital talked about Penelope might needing to go to a special place during the day instead of school or something. I said “No, they didn’t say anything about her needing to be institutionalized.” She said “Oh, okay.” Dang! They wanted to extend her Pass/Fail status from first quarter to second quarter. I had issues with that because the two weeks for the therapy was at the beginning of the quarter. She would have all quarter to make up her work. I politely said that I understood it for 1st quarter but honestly see it as a way out of having to work hard with her to get her caught up during 2nd quarter, especially after what happened with her 504. As soon as I said “504” all eyes went to the Principal. I don’t know why. He didn’t say anything. But I know they got my point. Someone piped in and said that it shouldn’t be looked like that. That they just didn’t want to push her too hard and put her back in the hospital. Her math teacher wanted to know if she should give homework. I said “Yes, YES. She is still a 5th grader. She has to do what is required of all other kids.” I said that there are going to be good days and bad ones but the expectations have to be set for her because she won’t do it for herself. She needs to be in a regular routine with everyone else for her to get stronger. The school psychologist agreed but somewhere along the line I feel like the teachers just do what they want.
When Penelope returned to school after her two week intensive, her social life fell apart, partly due to the fact she was gone for two weeks. Her BFF started hanging out with this other girl Amy, who didn’t want Penelope to play with them. This started causing Penelope to be very sad and not work in school. One day she flat at refused to do any work, she just wanted to call me. At some point, they were able to get her working again but it was a daily issue. I wrote her teacher and asked her to help her with it by talking to the girls or something.
I was also having concerns about the fact that Penelope had less homework than she did before she was out of school. I asked about make up work and I was told they were doing it in school. But I also found out that Penelope wasn’t telling me about all her homework and for whatever reason it wasn’t in her assignment notebook – even though a teacher checks it at the end of the day.
I was trying to catch her lies but I also know from readings and working with the therapists that I should not get too involved in her homework. I would get emails from Mrs. Carpenter or her lead teacher complaining about Penelope and her need to have constant one on one attention, or her going to the nurse’s office a lot, or being tardy a lot. I would respond that I would talk to her, but what type of consequences have they implemented with her? If none, what would they do with another child that did the same thing? No response…
One day I found Penelope playing on her computer looking up “What is sex?” She had asked questions in the past but it was really about the act, because she had seen the porn tape when she was little. I had caught her looking at animated porn online. I updated the Parents Control and warned her that I keep an eye on what sites she visits. Anyway, I said “Fine, let’s talk about it.” So we talked about it. I found a diagram that I could use to explain the reproductive system and how it works etc. She had good questions about twins, and menstrual cycles. I told her that sex is something that happens between adults that love each other. She wanted to tell me something.. Then told me the final version of what happened with Jack when she was younger. I figured that when she was ready, she would tell me. I suspected as I said earlier.
That next week her social life turned even worse. She had started a rumor that she was pregnant. She told me originally Amy started it because Penelope had gained a few pounds due to some medication the hospital started her on. By the third day I realized how bad it was and that Penelope started it. She was still complaining about Amy telling everyone and that everyone thinks she is pregnant. I told her ways to deal with the problem. I told her to say something like “If you believe that, I have a bridge to sell ya.” She said okay.. but then said “I’ll just tell everyone it died.” I said “NO. That’s a lie. What wrong with denying it?... Unless… You haven’t denied it so far.” She admitted that she never denied being pregnant. Then I found out she started it. She told her BFF and it went from there. It was so bad that supposedly parents called the school. The Asst. Principal didn’t hear of that but the Guidance Counselor told me that. Penelope got a Friday Detention for being dishonest to the Asst Principal and causing a disturbance.
Then Penelope had issues about being where she was supposed to be. Understandably when I found out that this was not a new thing for her but no one had disciplined her for it. It was the day we go to therapy an hour away so I pick her up right after school. She is supposed to go to homeroom at the end of day or stay in Mrs. Carpenter’s room after homework check. So basically the lead teacher has always figured she was in with Mrs. Carpenter and vice versa, so you’d think. But instead, Penelope has been roaming the halls. Homework check was cancelled that day so Penelope’s lead teacher was expecting everyone. Penelope didn’t show up. She was paged. She still didn’t show up. So I had received an email asking if I had signed her out early. I hadn’t. She came out of the school when the bell rang and I picked her up. Mrs. Carpenter replied to the email too saying that this was not a new thing, that Penelope has been seen by teachers in the past roaming the halls not being where she is suppose to be. That she doesn’t go to homework check very often. My response was “Why have you been allowing her to roam the halls? The reason I say allow is because people have known about, and not said anything to her about it?” I had been trying to get them to issue consequences. I can’t punish her for what she does at school. They have to. So she got a Friday Detention for that. Two days later, her second violation was when she went to the nurse’s office between classes and didn’t tell anyone. They all went looking for her and finally found her. Another detention. Her third detention was from cutting Chess Club early to go across the street to the public library and calling her dad and telling him she needed to be picked up because Chess Club was over. Another detention. Then an in-school suspension for writing a girl that she had been fighting with at school that also had detention, a note that said “I will kill Sarah” over and over in her notebook and giving it to her. She told me the note said “I hate Sarah” but I knew that didn’t make sense since the suspension note said she threatened another student.
Sarah was a new development in her social life. She was a girl that had been bullying Penelope and I’m sure it’s related to the pregnancy lie. But she could really push Sarah’s buttons. Penelope didn’t want to go to school. She had gotten a detention almost every day that week and then she had a suspension. Then the next school day she came home telling me this story about a physical fight she got in with her in the bathroom. I made the decision I needed to intervene or she was going to end up expelled. Of course her story was very much, she’s the victim, but I also know that if you corner her, she will fight back. I emailed her lead teacher and told her I was coming in the next morning expecting to speak to someone about this incident and what we can do to get this to stop. I ended up meeting with the Asst Principal for a while. He said that there were no witnesses so it was just her word against Sarah’s and Sarah’s version of the story is completely different. But he was planning on talking to both of them and instructs them to stay away from each other. That was something they both had been told in the past but the gym teacher didn’t know and put them together in an activity which resulted in the fight in the bathroom.
The rule violations stopped after that except for a tardy related detention. Her last consequence was that she couldn’t go to Music Hall with the rest of her class because she broke a deal she made with her teacher about being where she is so suppose to be the day she left Chess Club early. Her teacher told her that she needed kids to follow directions for their own safety when they go on field trips and if she couldn’t be where she is suppose to, she couldn’t bring her. After Penelope broke the deal, her teacher wanted to know if I would go on the field trip with Penelope. At first I was up for that but after some thought, realized that she had to stick to her promise she made Penelope. If she allows Penelope to go on the field trip she would have lied to Penelope. I told her I know it’s hard and I hate that Penelope has put her in this situation but she can’t be allowed to go on the field trip. I also told her she had to be the one to tell her because it was their deal. I don’t know if that made her mad or not. She didn’t respond, but she did tell her and she didn’t go on the field trip. It was the last time she wasn’t where she was suppose to be.
At home, things were getting better, school was going to be out for winter break. I started revisiting some of the books I had bought when she was first diagnosed. The one that I didn’t like the most, I now liked the most. A book by Nancy Thomas, Love is not enough – Parenting a child with RAD. Originally I thought it was too harsh but then I also thought her symptoms weren’t as bad as some of the stories in the book. But now, I was willing to try anything. I spoke to her therapists about the book, which they said is a great book. I started implementing some of the ideas over winter break.
The new year, Penelope took on a new attitude towards school. I had received e-mails that she was really working hard and had stopped complaining. That made my week. She was moving in the right direction. Of course that didn’t last. But it at least showed her that she can do it. I could see symptoms of it. Her effort was deteriorating. She didn’t seem to ever have a lot of homework. Her grades were going down. I emailed her teacher asking how she was doing but couldn’t get a response. Finally, her grades came out from 2nd quarter and she had 3 Fs. She bombed her curriculum tests. But her teacher noted on her report card that they were hoping to see her effort that came in at the end of the quarter moved into 3rd quarter.
I still am thinking she is doing better but I was wrong…. End of History, 2/11/08