Finally! Internet. I just dropped Penelope off at school this Monday morning and am going to sit here and write before I tackle my day. We've been here for almost 3 weeks now. My mom hasn't moved in yet but only because we don't have the internet situation completely finalized. They came to install it and realized that this pseudo senior citizens home doesn't have any cable ready outlets and we will need to get permission from the HOA to access the attic to run wires and things like that. We have internet but it's a box in my dining room with another box that has a big cable that lays across the floor and runs into the living room so that we have digital cable TV. Got to have TV.
Oh, and we have a phone line - required for the TV or the internet or something, for some reason. But we don't have any phones. This is for good reason. Penelope would be calling everyone and anyone she had a phone number to at all hours of the morning or night when she felt the need. She would leave distressful phone messages that are alarming, if she didn't reach them. She would talk about how totally lonely and scared she was. Or how mean someone was to her - usually to the point the listener would question whether it was abusive or not. I'm not making this up. She's done this before, as recent as this summer at my parent's house. We were getting concerned phone calls. We had to remove the phones from the house in an effort to prevent undue stress on our friends.
I think the new-ness is starting to wear off for her. The first two weeks went very well and she seemed happy about things. Acting rather normal actually. Then this past Monday we were FINALLY having the closing. It was to be in the condo at 5pm. Penelope, with my approval, had asked the neighbor if she could walk her dog, who happens to also be named Penelope. It was a cute rambunctious small white dog. It didn't occur to me, for some stupid reason, to set parameters to this walk. I assumed, for some stupid reason, that Penelope would know that she shouldn't go far and shouldn't take too long. After an hour, the neighbor knocked on the door wondering if they were back. She had already walked around the building looking for them but didn't see them. I too was wondering what was taking so long but I wasn't as concerned just because I knew they were safe, just Penelope pushing the boundaries. But she has this woman's dog and she doesn't know us from anyone other than her new neighbors. I told her I'd go look for them. She said, politely, that she wasn't worried about my Penelope but concerned her Penelope had run off or something because she is so rambunctious. Penelope can handle this little dog. I wasn't concerned it was this, but I didn't want to go into the "Yeah I know I let her take your dog but NOW I'm going to tell you about the girl who has your dog." I figured she'd be back any minute. I had to gather the garbage bags to take to the garbage and on the way out I would get in the car and drive around. I called my parents, who were on there way for the closing, and told them the situation and to pick her up if they pass her. Shortly later, while I was walking to my car to go find the Penelopes, my Mom called from the Middle School where they found her with the dog. It was only about a half mile away but further than they needed to have gone. I didn't want to have this be the start of our relationship with our new neighbor, who also happens to be the Power of Attorney for the seller for the closing. I told my Mom "I don't want the neighbor to know about this. How are we going to explain this?" She then said "It seems it's out of our hands, she is up here too and is talking to Penelope and your Dad." Great! She said that the woman put her dog in the car and it seems Penelope is riding with her also. I just went back up to our condo to wait. Penelope and the neighbor and the dog came up to our floor and the dog seemed fine and so did the lady and Penelope. I don't know if she was being polite but the lady seemed fine. I tried to act like it wasn't a big deal - maybe it wasn't? I said "I bet your Penelope will sleep well tonight after such a long walk." The woman said "She probably loved it after me keeping her cooped up all the time in our condo." She said that Penelope can walk her dog any time. I'm thinking "Really??" Well, we will see about that. I do take responsibility for it because I should have set parameters for Penelope, where to walk her and for how long. It's easy to fall into that trap of treating a 13 year old like a 13 year old when they have recently started to act like a 13 year old. I had a lapse in judgment.
The next day was a busy day for us. Penelope didn't have school and my twin brother was planning on meeting our Dad over here to move up the rest of the heavy items from the garage. I wasn't here to see it because I had to attend a Parent/Teacher conference and then right after that go and meet with the woman who is going to help me start my own contract business.
The Parent/Teacher conference went well. It is an invite only based on if a teacher wanted to have a conference with you or not. Alllllll of Penelope's teachers wanted a conference. Even the school nurse was there. But they were all so warm about Penelope and just want to help her succeed. It was great to hear there openness. I thanked them for that. My experience with her 5th grade teachers really puts in perspective when we have a great group of teachers. Her 6th and 7th grade teachers have been awesome. Her 5th grade math teacher was awesome too - I just had to put that in there. Anyway, Penelope's biggest problem in school is probably socially. She doesn't like to do her school work and her grades reflect it, but it's all about her self-esteem which is greatly impacted by her social problems. We really didn't get into it, but it's what I've put together based on my conversation with them and with Penelope afterward.
Her Science/Social Studies teacher brought up the fact that he has a hard time getting Penelope to do her work. He said "It's not like she is mean about it. She doesn't even say 'No.' She will say "Okay" but then still do something else. Or she will say "It's okay the way it is." This is a common thing this year. She will have a project that has a short list of requirements to meet within the project and she will either not include all the requirements or do it in a completely different way and when her teacher says "It's great but it's not quite finished as you need to..." She will say "It looks finished to me" or "I'm done with it" and that's the end of it. Another thing she does is she refuses help. This is usually a means to avoid the work as she lies about how much of it is done or how she has done it. She had a paper due today in Social Studies that had a completely different version about a week ago. The class had all this research time and time in class to work on it. Her teacher kept offering to help her with it. Penelope kept declining saying that she had it almost done and she was excited about it and it was great etc. The teacher wanted to see it. Penelope didn't want to show it to her. The teacher insisted. The project was suppose to be a historical fiction story about ancient China. Penelope wanted to write about a Chinese princess she created. She copied and pasted 3 Chinese princess short stories that had nothing to do with eachother from the internet. The reason she chose 3 stories is because that's how much she needed in order to get enough to meet the number of pages requirement. I saw it at this Parent/Teacher conference. I don't even think Penelope read them or reviewed it to try to transition from one story to the next. Obvious plagiarism. Her teacher asked her "Did you write this?" Penelope said "Oh yes." Her teacher told her she knows of one of the stories because it's in their literature textbook. Penelope dropped her head down, obviously busted. The teacher talked to her about what decisions Penelope should have made that would have made her life a ton easier. With that, they began her project over again. With less than a week to go.
Another issue in school is that Penelope didn't want to work with anyone when she was paired up. Not that she wanted to work alone, it's just that she always had a problem with whomever she was partnered with. Lastly, she always turned her classwork and projects in late. What she turned in was good work, but she wouldn't get full credit because it was late. And that's if she turned it in at all. Her Science/Social Studies teacher said "Is this part of Penelope's ... thing?" Which made me laugh "Thing" being disorder. Then he said "Do you have any insight or suggestions on how to best help her?" I love that question from a teacher. I'm just the ignorant parent but not in this room. I said "The issue I'm hearing is related to her emotional immaturity, which yes, is part of who Penelope is right now. She still views things in absolutes. I can see her not want to work with certain kids because she sees their flaws. They either did something negative to her or she perceives something about them negatively. She doesn't appreciate that everyone has good AND bad qualities and that being different can bring something new to the table. For example, she knows that smoking is bad so she views people who smoke as being bad people. Not a good person with a bad habit. Also, she says every year that her goal is to get straight As. Which is great on one hand, but for Penelope, if she isn't going to get an A, she just isn't going to do it. Which then when she gets overwhelmed or feels like it's too hard, she very easily just gives up. And then of course, there is a part of her that just avoids hard work and wants to take the easiest route for things." All her teacher's found this insightful. I'm not sure how they are going to use this information to help her but they seemed to have a new perspective on how to address her. We briefly talk about other things, like Penelope's limp and whether it was gone. It was, once she learned that she wouldn't be allowed to play with her friend at her Grandparents if she was still limping - as she will be resting it until it's healed. We talked about her tardies and that I was hoping it was getting better but it it seems to be getting worse again. We identified part of it is that Penelope doesn't want to be around the other kids waiting to be let in to the school. I think this was a big insight to her tardies. Her language arts teacher pointed out that the library opens up early each morning and that she could go there. I don't think she will be late again.
Very good meeting. After that, I headed up to Joanne's house, the woman who is going to be helping me with my business. In all I will be helping her too. It's taken a few weeks to get this meeting set up. She has been very ill. She was starting to get sick when I worked with her at the Cemetery. She is only 66 years old but she talks about it like she is ancient. But I'm sure she feels ancient with all her ailments. She has a elbow that she had broken and had surgery on but it didn't heal right. So they plan to take bone from her hip to repair her elbow. But they can't do that surgery until they figure out why she was filling up with fluids. They had her on a steroid. Well, you can't have surgery while on a steroid. Then she told me they had her on some kind of breathing treatment that damaged her esophagus. That was part of the delay. She had come down with laryngitis and I couldn't understand her at all on the phone. And she was sick. She sounded better two weeks later but still hard to understand on the phone. She said that she that they determined she has permanent damage and her voice may not get much better. I hope so, my gosh. It's much easier to understand her person but most, if not all, her work is over the phone so her ability to communicate is greatly hampered. Plus, her speech seems labored and painful. I wouldn't want to talk much if I were her. She said she also has progressive heart disease. She's already had a heart attach a few years ago. She said "I'm not dying, but I'm not well either." No kidding. So for her, I am the person who is going to be her backup to help her with her clients while she undergoes more treatment. I'm perfectly fine with that. It will be my way to learn and start my business while helping the person who is giving me this opportunity. Eventually she said that she will want to turn over her accounts to me when she retires. She doesn't have that many as she is already partially retired. But then she also has talked to a CPA about hiring me as well as her daughter who is VP at a firm that using contractors for project work for clients. I mean how great is all this! Not her health but all that she has already done for me! I spent about 3 hours with her as she taught me how to use the software she uses for her work. I picked it up very quickly. She kept commenting on how quickly it was and that she already can tell that this will be good for both of us. She had me do the work for one of her clients that she gets paid $150 for. She jokingly said "You don't expect to get that $150, do you?" I said "Of course not!" But we talked about, even at my pace right now, learning it and doing it, that's already $50/hour. Once I've learned it, I will be able to get it done in an hour. Sweet!
After we were done for the day, I was gathering my things and she asked "Can I ask you why you have your niece?" She knew only that I had my niece and she became ill at which time I quit my job and then got that (crappy) cemetery job because it was the first job offered to me. But she picked up that I was in the wrong place and needed help finding my way - as she put it. I said that I don't mind at all, as I always want to share our story because I think it's good for people to know what happens to these children that is so preventable. I explained our history including the times Penelope tried to kill herself as well as how she has abused her cousins, but also about her treatment and the amount of healing and potential she has for growth and even more healing. Joanne told me that it's not something she talks about, and doesn't want to talk about it now. That maybe someday in the future we can sit down and she will be ready to talk about it, but she didn't use to only have two children. She had another son but when he was 17 years old, he killed himself. She said there was something about me that pulled her to me and now she knows what it is. That even though she couldn't save her son, that she could help me and Penelope. It took everything in me to hold back my tears as it is right now just writing about it. I gave her a big hug and just thanked her. I could barely walk out the door. If there was ever a moment of doubt in God, and I've had them in my life, this is proof to me of his plan for us. Everything we do in life has reason and a purpose. The reason I was to have that cemetery job, as miserable as I was, was in order to meet Joann.
I left her house feeling very good about life in general. I phoned both my parents and told them how great both the Parent/Teacher Conference and the meeting with Joann went. I left out the ending of my visit with Joann as that's between her and I (and us anonymously). My task is to get certified for the software she was showing me and figure out how to get Unemployment to pay for it. Unfortunately, unemployment won't pay for it. The certification is free, with membership to their Professional Advisor Program. The membership is $500. Ugh. But I digress.
The next day was EMDR Therapy and it went well. She did positive reinforcement with Penelope. She said what she wants to do is every other session would strictly be positive stuff as she has learned that sticking to the trauma every week for kids Penelope's age tends to get an avoidance reaction. I can see that. It's painful. She said that the reaction Penelope had at the previous EMDR, which I guess I hadn't posted on here yet, was normal for EMDR. The goal is to take her to the edge but not to let her go over. Penelope was working on the event of her rape when she was about 6 or 7 years old. She became very scared than immediately defensive/aggressive with the therapist. Angry with her for making her think about it. Penelope had done EMDR on other negative events in her life but nothing of this magnitude. I wasn't expecting Penelope to act that way but understood and just let the therapist lead. It was hard not to get upset myself knowing and witnessing how hard this was for her.
Her therapist told me that she plans on working on trauma with Penelope's parents next week. I'm excited by this because I think it is so important for Penelope to process this trauma in order to be reunited with them and continue to heal. She asked if I had a problem with it being the week of Thanksgiving. I told her that I am concerned being that Penelope has trouble with holidays overall but I also know she has been doing much better this season than before. But overall, it's been my big concern, how to get Penelope through the holidays. So I have mixed feelings.
Thursday she had Attachment Therapy and neurofeedback. The nuerofeedback again went really well, a new all time low again. In AT we just talked about how hard we see her working and how we are all here to help her - to reinforce the message from her teachers and the healing she gets from the hard work she does. At the end of therapy she started to complain of feeling really sick to her stomach. Her face had a flushed look on it and she felt nauseous. We ended it and the AT gave us a small garbage bag, just in case. I sent Penelope to the car to lie down while I paid for the session. When I went to the car I caught Penelope in the beginning of the vomiting. Found a dumpster, dumped the bag and somehow drove the hour drive without her yacking in the car. She had passed out.
I kept her home on Friday. She felt a ton better but was depressed. Depressed all weekend actually. Not sure if she was really sick or what happened. Can neurofeedback do that to you? I know I can get headache nauseous at the drop of a hat and neurofeedback would do that to me I would think. Anyway, all weekend she reverted back to babyish talk. She was stressing out. It's that paper that is due today. We had already talked about us working on it together. Still stressed her out. It stressed her out to the point that she wanted to quit school - or at least this school and she hated the fact that we moved. She has no friends "I'm the nerd at school, Mommy." She claimed that she wasn't stressing about Thanksgiving, interesting enough.
One thing is the house went to hell in a handbag this weekend. She was very VERY needy all weekend so little got done. Plan is to have the place ship shape by the time she gets home. Hopefully a clean organized house equals a clean organized mind. I know it's calming to me. And if Mother is happy, children are happy - right? I need to get her back on track so she continues to have good days.
Showing posts with label EMDR. Show all posts
Showing posts with label EMDR. Show all posts
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
How EMDR is going
We've been going to the new trauma therapist for about 4 or 5 months now I think. Not every week but we try to go every week - it really just depends on her schedule. We really didn't start the EMDR process until about a month ago. And even then, I don't know if the therapist, I'll call Lisa, felt like Penelope was ready. Penelope had a rough summer and a bumpy beginning to her school year. Lisa wanted to make sure that attachment between Penelope and I is strong enough for me to help Penelope cope with the repercussions of facing her past trauma. Lisa also wanted to make sure we were able to cope with the challenges of our daily lives currently as well, and with the court case being ever so present in our lives, we had to wait on the EMDR.
And honestly, I'm not 100% sure we are doing full blown EMDR. I know that Lisa is really trying to adjust what she is doing with how Penelope is doing. We haven't addressed the big items but are starting out with smaller ones and I'm guessing, letting Penelope get familiar with the process as well as continue to build that relationship between them.
I do feel like Penelope has began to lose her babyish stuff. It's still there and especially with the news of moving and some of the problems she has created for herself at school, but in general, I hear an older child, almost 13 a great deal of time. Do I think she is calmer? Maybe, a little bit. Or it's just that the older Penelope seems calmer. It could be related to the EMDR, or it may not be. But I have to say, it's the first time she has had consistent periods of normal speech unrelated to her mood. At least at home.
I recently learned she is having issues with baby-talking at school. I do know she is dealing with fear-based controlling compulsions at school. I get calls from school on a daily basis it seems - sometimes multiple times a day. She was late for school last Thursday. She was called into the Asst. Principal's office and (allegedly) given a detention for Tuesday. Tuesday rolled around and Penelope did not go to detention. I received a call from Penelope at the end of the school day saying that a boy named Joe asked her if she wanted to come over his house and do homework. Penelope and Joe have crushes on each other. Penelope goes all valley girl when talking about him. "OMG!" Anyway, it wasn't going to happen because..... well... hell hasn't frozen over yet. I told her that she could have him come to OUR house on Friday but for only a couple of hours. I can monitor them that way and keep everyone safe. Penelope is really good at appearing trustworthy. But I digress. On Wednesday, the reported events went like this:
2nd bell Gym - hit in eye with dodge-ball and went to the nurse
3rd bell - Called into Asst. Principal's office and "yelled at" for skipping detention. Given a Friday Study (longer detention on Friday) for skipping detention when she claims he never gave her the detention slip. She claims she actually said "Show me proof" to him. Doh! Could that be that I require proof/verification on just about everything? Or is that just Penelope raising herself on her tipy toes to be nose to nose with him? She said he didn't respond. I told her he didn't have to.
After that meeting she went back to class and vented to her teacher, the Intervention Specialist. I don't know if she said this to the Asst. Principal or not, but she said this to her teacher, that she can't on Friday because she already has plans. You know... with Joe? Penelope was very angry with the Asst. Principal telling her teacher over and over that "he doesn't have that kind of power of me " and "it's him or me." She told him he does have that power. He is actually her boss and if she was late over and over again, he could fire her. She was able to get her to calm down somewhat and take a test she had in English.
After class, instead of going to Social Studies she went to the office and asked to call her Papaw. She called him and started sobbing on the phone wanting him to come pick her up telling him her version of how the day went down. She just couldn't make it through the rest of the day. He told her he couldn't and she needed to make it through which was just a couple more hours. This is when I learned about it as he called me to give me the heads up. I was surprised she didn't call me but I think it's because she knows I would know what parts weren't true and wanted someone to have full sympathy for her plight. I did the whole empathy thing, and I truly felt sad for her having a rough day but at her own doing. I'm glad that her visit with Joe will be cut short because it makes the consequences of her behavior more painful and more of a natural consequence. She doesn't have therapy on Thursday like usual so she wanted to move her visit with Joe until then. Oh no. I told her it was too late to make changes like that being Wednesday night and we just needed to stick to the schedule.
She has been on time this week, close calls two of the 4 days so far. So no more detentions after Friday based on any current happenings. She has been easier in the morning since these detentions. I'm hoping she will start making better decisions. I'm trying to keep do more fun things with her so that her self-confidence increases and help her make better decisions. I'm not real sure how to help school with her control compulsion. I'm not sure what's causing it.
And honestly, I'm not 100% sure we are doing full blown EMDR. I know that Lisa is really trying to adjust what she is doing with how Penelope is doing. We haven't addressed the big items but are starting out with smaller ones and I'm guessing, letting Penelope get familiar with the process as well as continue to build that relationship between them.
I do feel like Penelope has began to lose her babyish stuff. It's still there and especially with the news of moving and some of the problems she has created for herself at school, but in general, I hear an older child, almost 13 a great deal of time. Do I think she is calmer? Maybe, a little bit. Or it's just that the older Penelope seems calmer. It could be related to the EMDR, or it may not be. But I have to say, it's the first time she has had consistent periods of normal speech unrelated to her mood. At least at home.
I recently learned she is having issues with baby-talking at school. I do know she is dealing with fear-based controlling compulsions at school. I get calls from school on a daily basis it seems - sometimes multiple times a day. She was late for school last Thursday. She was called into the Asst. Principal's office and (allegedly) given a detention for Tuesday. Tuesday rolled around and Penelope did not go to detention. I received a call from Penelope at the end of the school day saying that a boy named Joe asked her if she wanted to come over his house and do homework. Penelope and Joe have crushes on each other. Penelope goes all valley girl when talking about him. "OMG!" Anyway, it wasn't going to happen because..... well... hell hasn't frozen over yet. I told her that she could have him come to OUR house on Friday but for only a couple of hours. I can monitor them that way and keep everyone safe. Penelope is really good at appearing trustworthy. But I digress. On Wednesday, the reported events went like this:
2nd bell Gym - hit in eye with dodge-ball and went to the nurse
3rd bell - Called into Asst. Principal's office and "yelled at" for skipping detention. Given a Friday Study (longer detention on Friday) for skipping detention when she claims he never gave her the detention slip. She claims she actually said "Show me proof" to him. Doh! Could that be that I require proof/verification on just about everything? Or is that just Penelope raising herself on her tipy toes to be nose to nose with him? She said he didn't respond. I told her he didn't have to.
After that meeting she went back to class and vented to her teacher, the Intervention Specialist. I don't know if she said this to the Asst. Principal or not, but she said this to her teacher, that she can't on Friday because she already has plans. You know... with Joe? Penelope was very angry with the Asst. Principal telling her teacher over and over that "he doesn't have that kind of power of me " and "it's him or me." She told him he does have that power. He is actually her boss and if she was late over and over again, he could fire her. She was able to get her to calm down somewhat and take a test she had in English.
After class, instead of going to Social Studies she went to the office and asked to call her Papaw. She called him and started sobbing on the phone wanting him to come pick her up telling him her version of how the day went down. She just couldn't make it through the rest of the day. He told her he couldn't and she needed to make it through which was just a couple more hours. This is when I learned about it as he called me to give me the heads up. I was surprised she didn't call me but I think it's because she knows I would know what parts weren't true and wanted someone to have full sympathy for her plight. I did the whole empathy thing, and I truly felt sad for her having a rough day but at her own doing. I'm glad that her visit with Joe will be cut short because it makes the consequences of her behavior more painful and more of a natural consequence. She doesn't have therapy on Thursday like usual so she wanted to move her visit with Joe until then. Oh no. I told her it was too late to make changes like that being Wednesday night and we just needed to stick to the schedule.
She has been on time this week, close calls two of the 4 days so far. So no more detentions after Friday based on any current happenings. She has been easier in the morning since these detentions. I'm hoping she will start making better decisions. I'm trying to keep do more fun things with her so that her self-confidence increases and help her make better decisions. I'm not real sure how to help school with her control compulsion. I'm not sure what's causing it.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Trauma and Coping and Therapy
As I written before, Penelope has been disclosing a lot in attachment theapy. A lot of this has been prompted by her sexual compulsions and, what I believe to be, her emotional raw-ness from the court case. She has been very regressed. Her one attachment therapist feels she has taken many steps backwards. I believe she has take many steps backwards in some ways but also many steps forward. Yes, she is questioning the trust and her attachment to me, and I do think her ability to attach has been hampered. But I also believe that we have made great strides in her ability to attach and those strides will give us traction during her dealing with her trauma.
The way I few this is we need to make sure she has, and is willing to use, her coping tools. That is the big focus in truama therapy - and it makes complete sense. Making sure she has the right tools. That her chosing in how she decides to cope are not self-harming or destructive. For example, she has scratched and picked at the skin on her legs to the point she has soars all over her legs. If it wasn't high humidity and in the 90s almost every day, I'd put pants on her. But there are other things too from a behavioral side.
But part of my job is also to provide her the support she needs in order to make the right decisions and help soothe her. When I'm not with her, then it has to be Grandma or Papaw. She trusts Papaw and knows he can handle her so usually anything he does that upsets her, she tends to settle down pretty quickly. He's never put her into a state of rage. Grandma on the other hand, it doesn't take much for Penelope to go into a fit of rage. She knows Grandma can't handle it, and Grandma falls into the "traps" Penelope sets up. Penelope knows how to push her buttons and Grandma bites back and then it's WWIII in the house. Grandma is throwing up her hands (showing Penelope she can't handle her) and Penelope is locking herself in a room or closet talking about hurting herself. I just wish there was a way to teach Grandma or give her the strength to do this. My dad things she just won't even try. And honestly, it looks that way. My mom is so self-involved and so defensive.
She lies and deflects. One day I had come home from work and Penelope was all aggitated and full of attitude. Figured out she was upset with Grandma. Grandma had brought up Harriet in a conversation in the car traveling and "wouldn't shut up about it" saying bad things about her and it just made her sad and upset and then angry at Grandma for bring her up. About a month ago we had a similiar issue and it was agreed that the topic of Harriet was off limits unless Penelope had questions. I asked my mom if she had had a conversation with Penelope about Harriet and she said "No. Of course not. Is that what she said? She is mad at me and is trying to get me in trouble" and walked off. Right after she walked off, Penelope came back in the room and said "I heard everything she said and she is A LIAR!" and walked off. Great. So I followed her into her playroom and told her that "We are going to all sit down and talk about this because we can't do these side conversations. We need to resolve this" not taking sides. She came out and sat in the living room. I asked my mom to come in when she was done in the kitchen so we can "resolve this." When she came in I repeated what happened but also set the rules of no yelling, no meanness and only facts on what happened and feelings about it. I asked my mom to tell us what the conversation was about. She went detail by detal of the conversation they were having in the car but then said how she brought up Harriet and said things about how she didn't take care of Penelope the way she should have and things like that. I asked Penelope if she agreed with Grandma as to how the conversation went. She agreed. So, my mom lied. So we reiterated that the topic of Harriet is off limits. My dad, who was also there, brought up the fact that he has brought up Harriet in conversation and it doesn't make Penelope upset then. Penelope said "I have a special relationship with Papaw." That pissed off Grandma. I said "And you don't with Grandma? Why?" And Penelope started saying how feels about Grandma. That she feels Grandma only cares about herself, and her work. That she says she is going to do something with her and then doesn't. None of this was going over well with Grandma. She sat there with her arms crossed and jaw tight waiting for her turn to rip into Penelope (wasn't going to happen) and Penelope started to get worked up too, maybe seeing Grandma's body language and maybe as a preemptive strike starting saying mean things about Grandma being lazy and never wanting to do things for herself. I told Penelope not to be mean and name-calling is mean trying to keep in productive. Didn't matter though, by the end of Penelope letting out her feelings, Grandma was so pissed off she couldn't speak. But we ended it with "Grandma does love you and didn't mean to hurt you. It wasn't intentional. No more Harriet discussions. I was pissed that Grandma lied. Then, after Penelope went back into her play room, my mom actually said again that she didn't talk about Heather. My dad and I just looked at eachother like "Whaaaat?" Seriously. But how do you get someone who can't even recognize or acknowledge her errors to not do it again? She even said "I don't understand why she is mad." She does that with all of us.
One day she had rented two movies for all of us to watch but after watching the first one it was 9:30 and too late to watch the second one. She wanted to watch it anyway. I asked her to wait until the next night so we could all watch it together. She reluctantly agreed. Then, that night she got busy with phone calls and wasn't done until 9:00. My dad and I had just finished saying it was too late to start the movie. She came in "So you ready to watch the movie?" We told her it was too late being 9pm. She said "Well, I'm going to watch it anyway." I asked her NICELY "Can you wait until after Penelope and I go to bed (within the next 45 minutes) ? That way I don't want to watch only half of it then have to watch the other half later?" My mom immediately became adversarial. "I wanted to watch it ..." My dad chimed in "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ALWAYS ARGUE WITH EVERYBODY?!" and walked out to the patio. His statement was not just responding to this situation but an overall fed up "ness" with the constant arguing. But his yelling wasn't necessarily the right thing either.
This was the same night that Penelope got her birthday card from Harriet. I previewed it first, but she knew it was there and wanted it. It had 13 dollars in it, since she was turning 13 years old. It was a "My dearest daughter" type of card. She was good about the keeping things simple "I love you.... Mommy" on the inside. She does try to keep herself from acting out because she knows she reacts. She was like "Oh, okay." and tries to be like no big deal. But it's when she lets that guard down I guess. Anyway, we had dinner and everything was fine. She went upstairs to watch cartoons before bed. Shortly after was when the blow up happened about the TV. I ended up just going and cleaning up the kitchen and heading to bed early.
When I went upstairs to get Penelope and I ready for bed, I noticed the door was shut. Two of the cats were sitting in the hall staring at me and then looking at that door like "Something going on in there you should know about." I noticed a note on the door and another one that had been pushed out from under the door. Great... Here we go. The note on the door said "YOUARE A BITCH <--Yeah you (my first name instead of Mom) This is my room now. Get your own room!" The note under the door said "I HATE YOU BITCH" While I'm reading these notes I can hear Penelope inside saying very calmly "I am safe now... I am safe now.." That freaked me out. I did know what she had done. I realized she had baracaded the door closed. I shoved my way in and found her under the skirt of her night stand. I sat down and asked her - very calmly - "What's going on? Of course you are safe. You are here, with me. But I see you are mad at me for something. What are you angry about?" She said very calmly, almost with relief, "Oh, I'm not mad. God spoke to me. He told me you are dangerous and I need to not be with you anymore. That you will hurt me eventually." I said "Penelope, God wouldn't say that. He put you in my possession to take care of you and protect you." She said, now a little concerned "Was... it the Devil then?" I said "No sweetie. I believe it was a part of your brain that is reacting to the nice birthday card from Harriet. That it has you scared thinking 'Why should I trust Mom to not hurt me like all those other people in my life who shouldn't have? What makes her so different? She'll do it. So I better push her away and try to hurt her before she hurts me.' Does that sound about right?" She agreed. She then started to cry and say that the card was very upsetting. Specifically the part that says "I love you." She believes that she loves her but "not the way that mattered." Now that in itself is an improvement because before she considered any statement of love from Harriet a flat out lie.
The thing is though, learning about Dissociative Disorder and how it translates into a person's every day behaviors has really opened my eyes. I'm not trying to be an alarmist but just point out to my family "This is why she is acting this way!" After this incident, after she had answered "Yes" to the question "Do you sometimes hear voices," after realizing that there has been times in the past where she has made statements about something or someone told her that she should run away or do this or that. I always thought that it was her not taking ownership in her feelings. But who knows now. I've said things like "She goes into fantasy world" - yep, dissociative. But after this I had to know more. I need to know where we are heading. What does all these mean? Is this the bad to get to the good or is this just all bad? I need it explained.
So I took off work and went to her attachment therapy appointment with Penelope and my parents. I needed to speak to them - 1) because I haven't been to an appointment myself since I started my new job and i need to be updated and have questions answered I can't seem to get clear through my dad, and 2) to maybe try to address the issues at home that exacerbate these problems. I know Penelope has disclosing a lot and I need to hear from them directly how things are. I also know that school time will be here before we know it and Penelope is just a mess. Now I can see why some families decide homeschooling is beneficial. She is so smart. Very creative and has a lot of potential. She just has so much to overcome to tap into it. I wish I could I just have no idea how being a single parent. If my parents were able to be that rock for me, I'd figure out a way.
Anyway, the head attachment therapist agreed that Penelope has probably been more Dissociative than we realized. That she is severe, just shy of Dissociative Identity Disorder. That her Dissociative probably comes and goes and is probably the most severe it's ever been right now. We do need to monitor these voices. I'm glad she said what she said to confirm the significance of Penelope's actions/disorders in front of my parents. I'm hoping it will help them be more agreeable to following my lead on how to help her at home. I even asked "Is there anything we can do at home to help her cope better with all that is going on?" That was too vague about trying to get her to address parenting techniques as she went into Penelope needing a conversation about being allowed to be "sexual" - due to sexual compulsions. She went on for a little bit about that. I won't elaborate but it had to do with self-satisfying methods and all I could think of is "But we share a room right now!" But I know it needs to be address, but as I told her... "I have absolutely no idea how to address that." She understood. We will deal with that next time. And hopefully she and the trauma therapist can get on the same page and we can go about it through trauma therapy too.
The other other thing noteworthy about the therapy session is how I totally pissed off my mom. Well, we were running out of time and Penelope comes first. I brought up how turbulant life is at home. The therapist asked what was the worst thing, and I said "Grandma and Penelope's relationship." My mom went right into how Penelope does this and that and the therapist said "She's being manipulative huh? Well, we will have to talk to her about that." And my mom went on how she gets on her about being on the phone too loud and gets right in your face to ask you a question. "Not respecting boundaries. We can talk about that too." I said "It goes both ways. You have to respect her boundaries too." I brought up the lie about not talking about Harriet. How it crossed a boundary and then she lied about it. My dad brought up how it's just Grandma that can't do these things but it's because of the lack of trust. My mom said "I can't be perfect like you two!" I said "No one is asking for perfection, just some help!" The therapist brought up the testing, how Penelope is testing her conviction. Her trustworthness. I said "Right or wrong, but you have to pass it. You can't let her push your buttons. It's hard. Somehow Dad passed. I barely survived. And now it's your turn." My mom defended herself about the lying, saying she didn't lie but she was just being very general about Harriet. My dad said "No, you lied." So he was in the doghouse too after session. So the therapist brought in Penelope and told her how Grandma didn't lie to her to hurt her feelings, she didn't mean to lie. Tired to make light of it saying that "When you get old like us, your memory gets bad." Just the fact that the therapist was telling Penelope that Grandma lied had my mom visably upset. But she bit her tongue.
My dad told me the next day how we were both awful people and she was thinking of moving out. But, she hasn't and that was almost a week ago. I don't want her to be miserable. I don't want Penelope and I to be the cause of marital problems between them. I just need her to be MY mom and help me.
The way I few this is we need to make sure she has, and is willing to use, her coping tools. That is the big focus in truama therapy - and it makes complete sense. Making sure she has the right tools. That her chosing in how she decides to cope are not self-harming or destructive. For example, she has scratched and picked at the skin on her legs to the point she has soars all over her legs. If it wasn't high humidity and in the 90s almost every day, I'd put pants on her. But there are other things too from a behavioral side.
But part of my job is also to provide her the support she needs in order to make the right decisions and help soothe her. When I'm not with her, then it has to be Grandma or Papaw. She trusts Papaw and knows he can handle her so usually anything he does that upsets her, she tends to settle down pretty quickly. He's never put her into a state of rage. Grandma on the other hand, it doesn't take much for Penelope to go into a fit of rage. She knows Grandma can't handle it, and Grandma falls into the "traps" Penelope sets up. Penelope knows how to push her buttons and Grandma bites back and then it's WWIII in the house. Grandma is throwing up her hands (showing Penelope she can't handle her) and Penelope is locking herself in a room or closet talking about hurting herself. I just wish there was a way to teach Grandma or give her the strength to do this. My dad things she just won't even try. And honestly, it looks that way. My mom is so self-involved and so defensive.
She lies and deflects. One day I had come home from work and Penelope was all aggitated and full of attitude. Figured out she was upset with Grandma. Grandma had brought up Harriet in a conversation in the car traveling and "wouldn't shut up about it" saying bad things about her and it just made her sad and upset and then angry at Grandma for bring her up. About a month ago we had a similiar issue and it was agreed that the topic of Harriet was off limits unless Penelope had questions. I asked my mom if she had had a conversation with Penelope about Harriet and she said "No. Of course not. Is that what she said? She is mad at me and is trying to get me in trouble" and walked off. Right after she walked off, Penelope came back in the room and said "I heard everything she said and she is A LIAR!" and walked off. Great. So I followed her into her playroom and told her that "We are going to all sit down and talk about this because we can't do these side conversations. We need to resolve this" not taking sides. She came out and sat in the living room. I asked my mom to come in when she was done in the kitchen so we can "resolve this." When she came in I repeated what happened but also set the rules of no yelling, no meanness and only facts on what happened and feelings about it. I asked my mom to tell us what the conversation was about. She went detail by detal of the conversation they were having in the car but then said how she brought up Harriet and said things about how she didn't take care of Penelope the way she should have and things like that. I asked Penelope if she agreed with Grandma as to how the conversation went. She agreed. So, my mom lied. So we reiterated that the topic of Harriet is off limits. My dad, who was also there, brought up the fact that he has brought up Harriet in conversation and it doesn't make Penelope upset then. Penelope said "I have a special relationship with Papaw." That pissed off Grandma. I said "And you don't with Grandma? Why?" And Penelope started saying how feels about Grandma. That she feels Grandma only cares about herself, and her work. That she says she is going to do something with her and then doesn't. None of this was going over well with Grandma. She sat there with her arms crossed and jaw tight waiting for her turn to rip into Penelope (wasn't going to happen) and Penelope started to get worked up too, maybe seeing Grandma's body language and maybe as a preemptive strike starting saying mean things about Grandma being lazy and never wanting to do things for herself. I told Penelope not to be mean and name-calling is mean trying to keep in productive. Didn't matter though, by the end of Penelope letting out her feelings, Grandma was so pissed off she couldn't speak. But we ended it with "Grandma does love you and didn't mean to hurt you. It wasn't intentional. No more Harriet discussions. I was pissed that Grandma lied. Then, after Penelope went back into her play room, my mom actually said again that she didn't talk about Heather. My dad and I just looked at eachother like "Whaaaat?" Seriously. But how do you get someone who can't even recognize or acknowledge her errors to not do it again? She even said "I don't understand why she is mad." She does that with all of us.
One day she had rented two movies for all of us to watch but after watching the first one it was 9:30 and too late to watch the second one. She wanted to watch it anyway. I asked her to wait until the next night so we could all watch it together. She reluctantly agreed. Then, that night she got busy with phone calls and wasn't done until 9:00. My dad and I had just finished saying it was too late to start the movie. She came in "So you ready to watch the movie?" We told her it was too late being 9pm. She said "Well, I'm going to watch it anyway." I asked her NICELY "Can you wait until after Penelope and I go to bed (within the next 45 minutes) ? That way I don't want to watch only half of it then have to watch the other half later?" My mom immediately became adversarial. "I wanted to watch it ..." My dad chimed in "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ALWAYS ARGUE WITH EVERYBODY?!" and walked out to the patio. His statement was not just responding to this situation but an overall fed up "ness" with the constant arguing. But his yelling wasn't necessarily the right thing either.
This was the same night that Penelope got her birthday card from Harriet. I previewed it first, but she knew it was there and wanted it. It had 13 dollars in it, since she was turning 13 years old. It was a "My dearest daughter" type of card. She was good about the keeping things simple "I love you.... Mommy" on the inside. She does try to keep herself from acting out because she knows she reacts. She was like "Oh, okay." and tries to be like no big deal. But it's when she lets that guard down I guess. Anyway, we had dinner and everything was fine. She went upstairs to watch cartoons before bed. Shortly after was when the blow up happened about the TV. I ended up just going and cleaning up the kitchen and heading to bed early.
When I went upstairs to get Penelope and I ready for bed, I noticed the door was shut. Two of the cats were sitting in the hall staring at me and then looking at that door like "Something going on in there you should know about." I noticed a note on the door and another one that had been pushed out from under the door. Great... Here we go. The note on the door said "YOUARE A BITCH <--Yeah you (my first name instead of Mom) This is my room now. Get your own room!" The note under the door said "I HATE YOU BITCH" While I'm reading these notes I can hear Penelope inside saying very calmly "I am safe now... I am safe now.." That freaked me out. I did know what she had done. I realized she had baracaded the door closed. I shoved my way in and found her under the skirt of her night stand. I sat down and asked her - very calmly - "What's going on? Of course you are safe. You are here, with me. But I see you are mad at me for something. What are you angry about?" She said very calmly, almost with relief, "Oh, I'm not mad. God spoke to me. He told me you are dangerous and I need to not be with you anymore. That you will hurt me eventually." I said "Penelope, God wouldn't say that. He put you in my possession to take care of you and protect you." She said, now a little concerned "Was... it the Devil then?" I said "No sweetie. I believe it was a part of your brain that is reacting to the nice birthday card from Harriet. That it has you scared thinking 'Why should I trust Mom to not hurt me like all those other people in my life who shouldn't have? What makes her so different? She'll do it. So I better push her away and try to hurt her before she hurts me.' Does that sound about right?" She agreed. She then started to cry and say that the card was very upsetting. Specifically the part that says "I love you." She believes that she loves her but "not the way that mattered." Now that in itself is an improvement because before she considered any statement of love from Harriet a flat out lie.
The thing is though, learning about Dissociative Disorder and how it translates into a person's every day behaviors has really opened my eyes. I'm not trying to be an alarmist but just point out to my family "This is why she is acting this way!" After this incident, after she had answered "Yes" to the question "Do you sometimes hear voices," after realizing that there has been times in the past where she has made statements about something or someone told her that she should run away or do this or that. I always thought that it was her not taking ownership in her feelings. But who knows now. I've said things like "She goes into fantasy world" - yep, dissociative. But after this I had to know more. I need to know where we are heading. What does all these mean? Is this the bad to get to the good or is this just all bad? I need it explained.
So I took off work and went to her attachment therapy appointment with Penelope and my parents. I needed to speak to them - 1) because I haven't been to an appointment myself since I started my new job and i need to be updated and have questions answered I can't seem to get clear through my dad, and 2) to maybe try to address the issues at home that exacerbate these problems. I know Penelope has disclosing a lot and I need to hear from them directly how things are. I also know that school time will be here before we know it and Penelope is just a mess. Now I can see why some families decide homeschooling is beneficial. She is so smart. Very creative and has a lot of potential. She just has so much to overcome to tap into it. I wish I could I just have no idea how being a single parent. If my parents were able to be that rock for me, I'd figure out a way.
Anyway, the head attachment therapist agreed that Penelope has probably been more Dissociative than we realized. That she is severe, just shy of Dissociative Identity Disorder. That her Dissociative probably comes and goes and is probably the most severe it's ever been right now. We do need to monitor these voices. I'm glad she said what she said to confirm the significance of Penelope's actions/disorders in front of my parents. I'm hoping it will help them be more agreeable to following my lead on how to help her at home. I even asked "Is there anything we can do at home to help her cope better with all that is going on?" That was too vague about trying to get her to address parenting techniques as she went into Penelope needing a conversation about being allowed to be "sexual" - due to sexual compulsions. She went on for a little bit about that. I won't elaborate but it had to do with self-satisfying methods and all I could think of is "But we share a room right now!" But I know it needs to be address, but as I told her... "I have absolutely no idea how to address that." She understood. We will deal with that next time. And hopefully she and the trauma therapist can get on the same page and we can go about it through trauma therapy too.
The other other thing noteworthy about the therapy session is how I totally pissed off my mom. Well, we were running out of time and Penelope comes first. I brought up how turbulant life is at home. The therapist asked what was the worst thing, and I said "Grandma and Penelope's relationship." My mom went right into how Penelope does this and that and the therapist said "She's being manipulative huh? Well, we will have to talk to her about that." And my mom went on how she gets on her about being on the phone too loud and gets right in your face to ask you a question. "Not respecting boundaries. We can talk about that too." I said "It goes both ways. You have to respect her boundaries too." I brought up the lie about not talking about Harriet. How it crossed a boundary and then she lied about it. My dad brought up how it's just Grandma that can't do these things but it's because of the lack of trust. My mom said "I can't be perfect like you two!" I said "No one is asking for perfection, just some help!" The therapist brought up the testing, how Penelope is testing her conviction. Her trustworthness. I said "Right or wrong, but you have to pass it. You can't let her push your buttons. It's hard. Somehow Dad passed. I barely survived. And now it's your turn." My mom defended herself about the lying, saying she didn't lie but she was just being very general about Harriet. My dad said "No, you lied." So he was in the doghouse too after session. So the therapist brought in Penelope and told her how Grandma didn't lie to her to hurt her feelings, she didn't mean to lie. Tired to make light of it saying that "When you get old like us, your memory gets bad." Just the fact that the therapist was telling Penelope that Grandma lied had my mom visably upset. But she bit her tongue.
My dad told me the next day how we were both awful people and she was thinking of moving out. But, she hasn't and that was almost a week ago. I don't want her to be miserable. I don't want Penelope and I to be the cause of marital problems between them. I just need her to be MY mom and help me.
Friday, July 2, 2010
An Everything Bagel
Okay, I didn't know what to name my Post. I need to blog more often but it's been so busy between work, Penelope, and the rest of my family.. but it's important. I can't stop now. But there is a bunch of different topics I want to write about.
I usually write in chronological order, but I have to tell you what happened on Thursday - and Friday. Is it bad to get joy out of our child's pain? Not bad pain but the pain of a consequence that is teaching them why their decision(s) on an issue weren't the best?
Okay, so Thursday was Attachment Therapy. We decided Grandma need to go for reasons I will explain in better detail later. Basically, her and Penelope have been at eachother's throats to the point that I had to leave work early to ensure they were not home together by themselves. Maybe having Grandma at therapy is what sparked the actions that happened that day, may it was some other things that have happened. I am not sure yet. But I do know that when I called my mom when I left work, they were all still together and had stopped at a store. I asked how therapy had gone, she said it went well but that her neurofeedback "brain training" showed her anxiety very high and it just wasn't coming down, probably because Penelope had hurt her her ankle "Here, ask Penelope".. okay. "Hi Penelope! How was therapy?" She says "It was fine, but guess what! Benny (my cat) tripped me on the steps and I fell!" I said "Oh my gosh!" She said "Yeah! and I hit my foot on the railing!" "Wow! Are you okay!" "It hurts so bad!! And there is a big black and blue bruise!" At this point I'm truely thinking 'Wow, that must have been really bad.' I said "I'm sorry to hear that. I will have to look at it when you get home." She said "Yeah. Grandma has been helping me get around." I said "That's good" and finished up the call.
I ended up beating them home by about 10 minutes. Penelope is the first one in the house and she makes a bee-line to her play room. But the route she takes avoids seeing me. I say "Hey! Aren't you going to come and say 'Hi'?" She says "Hold on a minute!" I said "Hello to you too!" She said "I said HOLD ON A MINUTE! GEEESH!" At this point I'm thinking, something happened in the car and she is all pissed off. No, she comes out with a crutch (that was found at the house) limping on her foot. Even though she walks past me, I can tell there is something really fishy about this bruise. I look harder and it and Penelope can see on my face that I'm super suspicious. Before I can get a word out, she says "I don't want you looking at it. You will want to touch it and it hurts just too badly!" I said "I promise not to touch it, I just want to see it." She says, "No! It's fine. You don't need to see it." I decided I'm not going to engage in a battle about this with her. I will go along and she will have to deal with the consequences of her decision of faking a bruised ankle or her ankle will get lots of care and she will get all better. I know it's not bruised, but maybe she did fall and she is just playing it up. Who knows.
I told Penelope "Gosh, you must have really hurt your ankle. You need to go to your room and get that foot elevated by laying in bed. Yeah. You need to stay in bed all day tomorrow to get that to heal properly." She likes this idea and while starting to walk upstairs she says "Oh, okay.. what about breakfast?" I said "Oh, you will have to eat breakfast in bed." Her eyes get big "Eggs and Geotta?" Oh no no, not in bed, it will be something simple like cereal or toast." Her face dropped "Oh." But you can see her think "But that's okay. I still get fed breakfast in bed." She said "What about when I have to go to the bathroom?" I said "Maybe Grandma or Papaw have a bedpan. I don't know..." She said "What's a bedpan?" I said "It's what they have in hospitals for their patients that can't make it to the bathroom. But I don't think we have one." She said "Maybe we can make one." I said "I think you'll be able to manage to get to the bathroom okay." She is upstairs by this point (all by herself) and asks for a glass of juice. "I'll bring it up in a minute" I say.
I tell my dad who is sitting there that Penelope's bruise is fake - that it looks drawn on with a marker or something. He says "Reeeallly.. Well, that would explain why it hasn't swelled up." You think? I'm kinda confused why they didn't notice something wrong with her bruise. Anyway, I told him how we have to handle this little con game she is playing. That she has to stay in bed the rest of the day and allllllll day tomorrow. She may be all about that idea right now, but she is forgetting the last time we went through this, about 2 years ago how absolutely bored she got. I told him she will miraculously improve and want to not have to lay there anymore. But you can't let her get up. And it's not a punishment. You are so happy she is feeling so much better etc etc but just to make sure/just in case etc etc. But this bruise thing. I do want to call her out on it. He suggested putting a cold compress (cold wet washcloth) on it which will wipe off the marking. Great idea. Around this time Penelope yells "Mommy! My foot went numb! I can't feel it!" "Okay, I'm coming!" "And I have to go to the bathroom but I can't move it!" "Okay, I will help you!" So I go up there and stand there while she gets herself up very carefully and uses this crutch she found to help herself to the bathroom. When she goes in there, I go to the another bathroom and start making that cold compress. I said "I have just the thing to make that feel better." She said "Wait, what is it?" "A cold compress" "What's that?" "A washcloth with cold water." "Oh no. Water is too heavy on my ankle. It hurts. No wetness." "What about ice?" She said "Ice is good. Can I have ice?" "Sure."
I go downstairs to get the ice and see Papaw. "Hey Papaw, wetness hurts..." He just chuckles and shakes his head. I get the ice and I make the bag all wet. I show my dad and he knows what I'm up to. So I go upstairs to put the ice on her "bruise." When I walk in the room, it was extremely obvious she darkened the "bruise" alot. It was completely black. A 5 in. diameter perfectly round, perfectly black with crisp edges "bruise." A big black dot on her ankle. I said "Holy cow! It's gotten worse!" She said "Yeah.. I hit it on the crutch on the way back from the bathroom to the bed (a total of 5 steps) and it hurt sooooo bad!" I said "Let me put this ice on it and it will feel better." I put the ice on it and the bag makes her ankle wet. I said "Oh! It's getting wet! Let me wipe it off." And I have the wet washcloth in my other hand and start wiping it clean. The black came off with it. I just look at her like "What is this?" She just looks at me with big eyes. I said "It appears the bruise was drawn on." She is embarassed and angry and starts to cry. "You don't believe that I hurt it!" We had a conversation about that. That I never said that I didn't believe that she didn't hurt it but there was no need to fake a bruise. That I love her and am here to take care of her. She admitted she did it for the attention but kept saying "I did hurt it! Really bad!" She tried to say that it did bruise really badly but then it went away and she wanted it to stay bad so that's why she drew it on. I said that I know that isn't true and kept saying that she doesn't need to fake a bruise to get attention. She kept going on about how it happened and even that she was in "so much pain that she wishes she could just cut her foot off!" I said "Penelope, do we need to go to the hospital??" She put her hands on her hips and gave me the don't-be-ridiculous stare and said "Mom. You are broke and haven't sold anything and I don't want you spending any money." I had to really squash my need to laugh on that one. I actually have a decent check coming next Friday but anyway. I said "Penelope. You are more important than that and if you need to go to the hospital and I have a bill to pay, then so be it. So, do you need to go to the hospital?" She said dramatically, with a sigh"No.... I just sprained my ankle really bad." I never once questioned the fall or that she hurt her ankle. Now if there was any doubt, I now know that it didn't happen because of her insistence it did. I said "That's why you are going to stay here with your feet up the rest of today and all of tomorrow. You will have your DS and your drawing stuff, and you can watch cartoons on TV. She said "Okay.."
I had coached my parents on what I expected Friday to be like and how to handle it. With love and caring and concern but do not let her up from her bed. "That's great you are feeling better but ..."
I called around 1pm from work to check in with my Dad. He said she tried to come downstairs to get toys from her playroom but he says, toys stay in the playroom and that she has things to do in her room and got her back in bed with no major problem. I said "Her boredom has kicked in."
I got a call from my Mom around 4:30 sounding exasperated. She said "Penelope is bored and doesn't want to stay in her bedroom anymore." I started to say "That's the point..." But I could hear Penelope in the background and someone was at the door dropping off something for my Dad. Penelope was there, which meant she was out of her room. My mom was yelling at her to go away and oh yeah, get back upstairs. I try to get my mom's attention because that's not how you are suppose to handle her and she is going to make this thing backfire. She can't hear me. Then my phone starts to beep because my boss upstairs is trying to call me. Then he calls my cubicle neighbor who tells me that they are having a quick meeting to tell us something and to go upstairs. Great. The next thing I know she has handed the phone to Penelope who says "Mommy, I don't want to stay in bed anymore. My ankle feels all better. But Grandma won't let me out of my bedroom. But my ankle isn't red any more and I took a hot bath and it made it feel all better. It doesn't hurt one bit." Now, I can't just blow her off because my boss wants me upstairs so I said "That is so wonderful that your ankle feels so much better so quickly. But I really want to make sure it's completely healed. The last thing I want is for it to get re-injured because it's still weak or hurt. I want it completely healed...." She is going "but.. but..." on the other end. I said "I'm glad the bath made it feel so much better but let's wait until I get home so I can look at it. I have to go now because I have to go to this meeting but I'll call you when I'm on my way home." She is crying at this point "But I am so bored! And it will be hours before you get home!" I said "I know sweety and I hate that you ankle is hurt causing you to be bored. And I will be leaving shortly, then I have to stop at the grocery store, so I should be home in about 1 1/2 hours. I know you can make it." She reluctantly said okay and we ended the call.
Now, the day did backfire a little bit but I do think that she won't fake her injury again, or at least in her memory of this past Friday. But the evening was very difficult. Penelope and Grandma had been at it - again. When I got home I was putting away the groceries for dinner when Penelope asked if I was home yet. Grandma said "Yes, she is in the kitchen cleaning up." This pissed her off because I didn't come straight to her to check on her. I sighed and went upstairs to check on her. She had wedged herself behind a piece of furniture and was pouting. She was all pissed off that I made her stay in bed all day. We discussed the why but that she already knew that. The true reason behind her anger was Grandma. Grandma didn't do that caring loving thing that she was coached on. She did the "Get back to bed!" thing that I heard on the phone. So, as I discovered all her artwork from the day, you can see the pregression from the "I feel loved because I'm being taken care of" pictures to the "I'm bored" pictures then there were the hate letters to me for not letting her get out of her bed, In the past, there wasn't the hate - just the frustration. Not to pin EVERYTHING on Grandma, but I believe that if she didn't yell at Penelope and do it the way she was told, Penelope wouldn't have gotten so angry (not necessarily happy but not scared/untrusting/rage that was the result of Grandma's approach) she would have turned her anger towards me and write her letters. The worst of it was there were self-hating statements in there to. Wanting to hurt herself but her brain won't let her because she knows there is love out there - somewhere.
I got her to not be mad at me anymore but her anger was definitly there and bubbling the rest of the night. Backtalking, stomping of the feet, the huffs, rolling of the eyes, impatience, "Don't touch me," "You are all being to loud," kind of thing. She told me to "Shut up!" at one point and my mom loudly gasped and was ready to rip into her. I put up my hand and handled it the right way. Penelope shortly later backtalked Grandma and my mom made a "tst" noise. Penelope said "Don't treat me like a dog. I'm NOT your dog." She said she meant to "shh" her but it came out "tst." See, my mom watches a LOT of Dog Wisperer. She DVRs it and watches it for hours. She tells myself and my twin brother how the principals on the show can be applied to our kids. (Crazy) But part of what he does when he becomes the alpha dog to his new patient, he "tst"s them to make them stop a bad behavior.
As you can see, I believe my mom is part of our problem on the home front. Last week I came home one night around 9pm after one of our twice a week call nights at work. Penelope hadn't been fed dinner or her meds and was bouncing off the walls. I made her dinner and got her pills in her and learned that Penelope and Grandma had been at it throughout the day. She was so upset with Grandma. Grandma didn't lift one finger to do anything with her. She spent the entire day in front of the TV if not on her phone. She was still in her PJs. So was Penelope in fact. The reason they hadn't ate was because my mother grazed all day and wasn't hungry herself. Penelope was so pissed at Grandma, she didn't want anything from her. Now Penelope, taking advantage of her "freedom" had made all kinds of messes throughout the house. We talked about Grandma and we talked about what she did all day and how things will be changing (one way or another). She had calmed down and was in better spirits. We planned to read together before bed and we were going to have some one on one time so she was happy. But before that she had to clean up a small mess (one of the many) she had made so the cats don't chew on her stuff. She was agreeable to that, but then she forgot a little later and started heading up to bed. I reminded her nicely. I kept everything "no big deal" but she was getting frustrated with having to do it. She didn't want to be near Grandma who was in the room and she decided to bolt up the steps and try to lock herself in the bathroom. I caught the knob before she locked it and held it. She was screaming through the door to go away and she never wanted to speak to me again. I tried to get her to let me in but she said "Just leave me alone! Give me some space! No one respects my boundaries!" I told her that I will give her space when I feel she is safe, but she isn't safe right now. She said she was and I told her it was up to me if she was safe or not and I don't feel she is safe. Then she started talking about how she wanted to kill herself but can't because her brain won't let her. At that point I decided I was pushing my way in. I did that and she cowarded in the corner and was crying and told me not touch her. I slowly caressed her hair which she cowarded from a little, then I held her hand which she let me and I kissed the top of her hand and held it in mine. Then she turned and let me hug her and she cryed and let go and callapsed to the floor hugging my legs. I told her it was going to be all right. She told me my legs were hairy and we both laughed.
But this stuff is draining. I think I've become good at handling it, but boy, it is a total emotional and physical drain! Grandma has got to get on the same page. If I could take Penelope away from there, I would, but my house is for sale/in foreclosure and I don't have any money or steady income. I am still trying to figure that end out but in the job I have, with all this.. there just is no way.
I usually write in chronological order, but I have to tell you what happened on Thursday - and Friday. Is it bad to get joy out of our child's pain? Not bad pain but the pain of a consequence that is teaching them why their decision(s) on an issue weren't the best?
Okay, so Thursday was Attachment Therapy. We decided Grandma need to go for reasons I will explain in better detail later. Basically, her and Penelope have been at eachother's throats to the point that I had to leave work early to ensure they were not home together by themselves. Maybe having Grandma at therapy is what sparked the actions that happened that day, may it was some other things that have happened. I am not sure yet. But I do know that when I called my mom when I left work, they were all still together and had stopped at a store. I asked how therapy had gone, she said it went well but that her neurofeedback "brain training" showed her anxiety very high and it just wasn't coming down, probably because Penelope had hurt her her ankle "Here, ask Penelope".. okay. "Hi Penelope! How was therapy?" She says "It was fine, but guess what! Benny (my cat) tripped me on the steps and I fell!" I said "Oh my gosh!" She said "Yeah! and I hit my foot on the railing!" "Wow! Are you okay!" "It hurts so bad!! And there is a big black and blue bruise!" At this point I'm truely thinking 'Wow, that must have been really bad.' I said "I'm sorry to hear that. I will have to look at it when you get home." She said "Yeah. Grandma has been helping me get around." I said "That's good" and finished up the call.
I ended up beating them home by about 10 minutes. Penelope is the first one in the house and she makes a bee-line to her play room. But the route she takes avoids seeing me. I say "Hey! Aren't you going to come and say 'Hi'?" She says "Hold on a minute!" I said "Hello to you too!" She said "I said HOLD ON A MINUTE! GEEESH!" At this point I'm thinking, something happened in the car and she is all pissed off. No, she comes out with a crutch (that was found at the house) limping on her foot. Even though she walks past me, I can tell there is something really fishy about this bruise. I look harder and it and Penelope can see on my face that I'm super suspicious. Before I can get a word out, she says "I don't want you looking at it. You will want to touch it and it hurts just too badly!" I said "I promise not to touch it, I just want to see it." She says, "No! It's fine. You don't need to see it." I decided I'm not going to engage in a battle about this with her. I will go along and she will have to deal with the consequences of her decision of faking a bruised ankle or her ankle will get lots of care and she will get all better. I know it's not bruised, but maybe she did fall and she is just playing it up. Who knows.
I told Penelope "Gosh, you must have really hurt your ankle. You need to go to your room and get that foot elevated by laying in bed. Yeah. You need to stay in bed all day tomorrow to get that to heal properly." She likes this idea and while starting to walk upstairs she says "Oh, okay.. what about breakfast?" I said "Oh, you will have to eat breakfast in bed." Her eyes get big "Eggs and Geotta?" Oh no no, not in bed, it will be something simple like cereal or toast." Her face dropped "Oh." But you can see her think "But that's okay. I still get fed breakfast in bed." She said "What about when I have to go to the bathroom?" I said "Maybe Grandma or Papaw have a bedpan. I don't know..." She said "What's a bedpan?" I said "It's what they have in hospitals for their patients that can't make it to the bathroom. But I don't think we have one." She said "Maybe we can make one." I said "I think you'll be able to manage to get to the bathroom okay." She is upstairs by this point (all by herself) and asks for a glass of juice. "I'll bring it up in a minute" I say.
I tell my dad who is sitting there that Penelope's bruise is fake - that it looks drawn on with a marker or something. He says "Reeeallly.. Well, that would explain why it hasn't swelled up." You think? I'm kinda confused why they didn't notice something wrong with her bruise. Anyway, I told him how we have to handle this little con game she is playing. That she has to stay in bed the rest of the day and allllllll day tomorrow. She may be all about that idea right now, but she is forgetting the last time we went through this, about 2 years ago how absolutely bored she got. I told him she will miraculously improve and want to not have to lay there anymore. But you can't let her get up. And it's not a punishment. You are so happy she is feeling so much better etc etc but just to make sure/just in case etc etc. But this bruise thing. I do want to call her out on it. He suggested putting a cold compress (cold wet washcloth) on it which will wipe off the marking. Great idea. Around this time Penelope yells "Mommy! My foot went numb! I can't feel it!" "Okay, I'm coming!" "And I have to go to the bathroom but I can't move it!" "Okay, I will help you!" So I go up there and stand there while she gets herself up very carefully and uses this crutch she found to help herself to the bathroom. When she goes in there, I go to the another bathroom and start making that cold compress. I said "I have just the thing to make that feel better." She said "Wait, what is it?" "A cold compress" "What's that?" "A washcloth with cold water." "Oh no. Water is too heavy on my ankle. It hurts. No wetness." "What about ice?" She said "Ice is good. Can I have ice?" "Sure."
I go downstairs to get the ice and see Papaw. "Hey Papaw, wetness hurts..." He just chuckles and shakes his head. I get the ice and I make the bag all wet. I show my dad and he knows what I'm up to. So I go upstairs to put the ice on her "bruise." When I walk in the room, it was extremely obvious she darkened the "bruise" alot. It was completely black. A 5 in. diameter perfectly round, perfectly black with crisp edges "bruise." A big black dot on her ankle. I said "Holy cow! It's gotten worse!" She said "Yeah.. I hit it on the crutch on the way back from the bathroom to the bed (a total of 5 steps) and it hurt sooooo bad!" I said "Let me put this ice on it and it will feel better." I put the ice on it and the bag makes her ankle wet. I said "Oh! It's getting wet! Let me wipe it off." And I have the wet washcloth in my other hand and start wiping it clean. The black came off with it. I just look at her like "What is this?" She just looks at me with big eyes. I said "It appears the bruise was drawn on." She is embarassed and angry and starts to cry. "You don't believe that I hurt it!" We had a conversation about that. That I never said that I didn't believe that she didn't hurt it but there was no need to fake a bruise. That I love her and am here to take care of her. She admitted she did it for the attention but kept saying "I did hurt it! Really bad!" She tried to say that it did bruise really badly but then it went away and she wanted it to stay bad so that's why she drew it on. I said that I know that isn't true and kept saying that she doesn't need to fake a bruise to get attention. She kept going on about how it happened and even that she was in "so much pain that she wishes she could just cut her foot off!" I said "Penelope, do we need to go to the hospital??" She put her hands on her hips and gave me the don't-be-ridiculous stare and said "Mom. You are broke and haven't sold anything and I don't want you spending any money." I had to really squash my need to laugh on that one. I actually have a decent check coming next Friday but anyway. I said "Penelope. You are more important than that and if you need to go to the hospital and I have a bill to pay, then so be it. So, do you need to go to the hospital?" She said dramatically, with a sigh"No.... I just sprained my ankle really bad." I never once questioned the fall or that she hurt her ankle. Now if there was any doubt, I now know that it didn't happen because of her insistence it did. I said "That's why you are going to stay here with your feet up the rest of today and all of tomorrow. You will have your DS and your drawing stuff, and you can watch cartoons on TV. She said "Okay.."
I had coached my parents on what I expected Friday to be like and how to handle it. With love and caring and concern but do not let her up from her bed. "That's great you are feeling better but ..."
I called around 1pm from work to check in with my Dad. He said she tried to come downstairs to get toys from her playroom but he says, toys stay in the playroom and that she has things to do in her room and got her back in bed with no major problem. I said "Her boredom has kicked in."
I got a call from my Mom around 4:30 sounding exasperated. She said "Penelope is bored and doesn't want to stay in her bedroom anymore." I started to say "That's the point..." But I could hear Penelope in the background and someone was at the door dropping off something for my Dad. Penelope was there, which meant she was out of her room. My mom was yelling at her to go away and oh yeah, get back upstairs. I try to get my mom's attention because that's not how you are suppose to handle her and she is going to make this thing backfire. She can't hear me. Then my phone starts to beep because my boss upstairs is trying to call me. Then he calls my cubicle neighbor who tells me that they are having a quick meeting to tell us something and to go upstairs. Great. The next thing I know she has handed the phone to Penelope who says "Mommy, I don't want to stay in bed anymore. My ankle feels all better. But Grandma won't let me out of my bedroom. But my ankle isn't red any more and I took a hot bath and it made it feel all better. It doesn't hurt one bit." Now, I can't just blow her off because my boss wants me upstairs so I said "That is so wonderful that your ankle feels so much better so quickly. But I really want to make sure it's completely healed. The last thing I want is for it to get re-injured because it's still weak or hurt. I want it completely healed...." She is going "but.. but..." on the other end. I said "I'm glad the bath made it feel so much better but let's wait until I get home so I can look at it. I have to go now because I have to go to this meeting but I'll call you when I'm on my way home." She is crying at this point "But I am so bored! And it will be hours before you get home!" I said "I know sweety and I hate that you ankle is hurt causing you to be bored. And I will be leaving shortly, then I have to stop at the grocery store, so I should be home in about 1 1/2 hours. I know you can make it." She reluctantly said okay and we ended the call.
Now, the day did backfire a little bit but I do think that she won't fake her injury again, or at least in her memory of this past Friday. But the evening was very difficult. Penelope and Grandma had been at it - again. When I got home I was putting away the groceries for dinner when Penelope asked if I was home yet. Grandma said "Yes, she is in the kitchen cleaning up." This pissed her off because I didn't come straight to her to check on her. I sighed and went upstairs to check on her. She had wedged herself behind a piece of furniture and was pouting. She was all pissed off that I made her stay in bed all day. We discussed the why but that she already knew that. The true reason behind her anger was Grandma. Grandma didn't do that caring loving thing that she was coached on. She did the "Get back to bed!" thing that I heard on the phone. So, as I discovered all her artwork from the day, you can see the pregression from the "I feel loved because I'm being taken care of" pictures to the "I'm bored" pictures then there were the hate letters to me for not letting her get out of her bed, In the past, there wasn't the hate - just the frustration. Not to pin EVERYTHING on Grandma, but I believe that if she didn't yell at Penelope and do it the way she was told, Penelope wouldn't have gotten so angry (not necessarily happy but not scared/untrusting/rage that was the result of Grandma's approach) she would have turned her anger towards me and write her letters. The worst of it was there were self-hating statements in there to. Wanting to hurt herself but her brain won't let her because she knows there is love out there - somewhere.
I got her to not be mad at me anymore but her anger was definitly there and bubbling the rest of the night. Backtalking, stomping of the feet, the huffs, rolling of the eyes, impatience, "Don't touch me," "You are all being to loud," kind of thing. She told me to "Shut up!" at one point and my mom loudly gasped and was ready to rip into her. I put up my hand and handled it the right way. Penelope shortly later backtalked Grandma and my mom made a "tst" noise. Penelope said "Don't treat me like a dog. I'm NOT your dog." She said she meant to "shh" her but it came out "tst." See, my mom watches a LOT of Dog Wisperer. She DVRs it and watches it for hours. She tells myself and my twin brother how the principals on the show can be applied to our kids. (Crazy) But part of what he does when he becomes the alpha dog to his new patient, he "tst"s them to make them stop a bad behavior.
As you can see, I believe my mom is part of our problem on the home front. Last week I came home one night around 9pm after one of our twice a week call nights at work. Penelope hadn't been fed dinner or her meds and was bouncing off the walls. I made her dinner and got her pills in her and learned that Penelope and Grandma had been at it throughout the day. She was so upset with Grandma. Grandma didn't lift one finger to do anything with her. She spent the entire day in front of the TV if not on her phone. She was still in her PJs. So was Penelope in fact. The reason they hadn't ate was because my mother grazed all day and wasn't hungry herself. Penelope was so pissed at Grandma, she didn't want anything from her. Now Penelope, taking advantage of her "freedom" had made all kinds of messes throughout the house. We talked about Grandma and we talked about what she did all day and how things will be changing (one way or another). She had calmed down and was in better spirits. We planned to read together before bed and we were going to have some one on one time so she was happy. But before that she had to clean up a small mess (one of the many) she had made so the cats don't chew on her stuff. She was agreeable to that, but then she forgot a little later and started heading up to bed. I reminded her nicely. I kept everything "no big deal" but she was getting frustrated with having to do it. She didn't want to be near Grandma who was in the room and she decided to bolt up the steps and try to lock herself in the bathroom. I caught the knob before she locked it and held it. She was screaming through the door to go away and she never wanted to speak to me again. I tried to get her to let me in but she said "Just leave me alone! Give me some space! No one respects my boundaries!" I told her that I will give her space when I feel she is safe, but she isn't safe right now. She said she was and I told her it was up to me if she was safe or not and I don't feel she is safe. Then she started talking about how she wanted to kill herself but can't because her brain won't let her. At that point I decided I was pushing my way in. I did that and she cowarded in the corner and was crying and told me not touch her. I slowly caressed her hair which she cowarded from a little, then I held her hand which she let me and I kissed the top of her hand and held it in mine. Then she turned and let me hug her and she cryed and let go and callapsed to the floor hugging my legs. I told her it was going to be all right. She told me my legs were hairy and we both laughed.
But this stuff is draining. I think I've become good at handling it, but boy, it is a total emotional and physical drain! Grandma has got to get on the same page. If I could take Penelope away from there, I would, but my house is for sale/in foreclosure and I don't have any money or steady income. I am still trying to figure that end out but in the job I have, with all this.. there just is no way.
The other thing I wanted to write about is how her therapy is going. A lot of Penelope's regression and need to feel safer is that she has been disclosing more of her abuse story, specifically the sexual abuse. That is positive. But she is disclosing it to the attachment therapist, not the truamat therapist. Which is totally understable. She knows the AT much longer, plus we are still in the preliminary information gathering, getting to know you stages on the truama therapist. It probably helped Penelope open up knowing that it is coming on the truama therapist side. However, the to different groups of therapists need to coordinate so they both know what eachother is doing and what is being disclosed. I don't even really know because I'm not going to attachment therapy anymore and my Dad isn't a details kind of guy - as I've said before.
I did go over the questionnaires/paperwork that the truama therapist gave us for homework. It's actually upsetting to read it because it's all there - the dissociative. It would explain alot. But it also scares me. I don't think she has multiple personalities but I wouldn't be shocked. I just don't see her having distinct personalities. But she certainly has memory loss and confusion about where she is at or what she has done on things. Spacking out. Flashbacks. personality changes. I always thought it was the PTSD/ADHD lack of focus. It's more than that. Much more. Will have to see how Penelope does on the questionnaires. If anything all this stuff is very informative. It just makes me have a lot of questions and concerns. Mostly about where we go from here.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Beginnings
The summer has begun. All of us are still adjusting to living together. I think my mom has come to the decision that the cats and dogs have to be kept seperate. I am not sure she has even tried to introduce them. We are all learning what my mom's limitations are, especially my mom. She wants to be the rock that I can lean on, the one who can do what I would do if I was there. She wants to take the burden off me while I'm work so I can work and focus on what I'm doing to try to make enough money so we can get back in the school district by the end of summer. At this rate it's not going to happen.
My dad is easier to talk to about these things but I swear, if it doesn't improve, it's either going to be the end of me or their marriage. I try to be a solutions person so I'm trying to find solutions here. Monday, I call my dad to tell him something and I can tell from his tone it's hell at home. I ask him what's going on, "What happened." My mom had told Penelope she was going to take her to the pool around noon after she runs a morning errand. While she is out, she decides to run over to my house which is locked of course, and the key was put up. If I had known she was going, I would have told her where it is. Anyway, by the time she was heading home she got hungry and decided to go to the grocery store and was in there for 1 1/2 hours. Penelope was waiting at the foot of the stairs in her bathing suit, towel in hand at noon. My mom didn't get home until 1pm, at which time she needed to eat. Ate until 2pm. By this time Penelope is laying on her bed crying saying things like "I knew she didn't want to take me to the pool!" Then my mom goes and puts her own suit on and gets ready to go. But before she can go, she needs to make a phone call. She is on the phone for AN HOUR. Penelope is now steaming mad. She tells Grandma how she is really hurting her feelings - no name calling or anything disrepectful. To which my mom yells at her, yes.. yells at her for being impatient. My dad who has been getting more pissed about what was going on and trying to get my mom to do what she promised, snapped when my mom yelled at Penelope, and yelled at my mom. My mom took Penelope to the pool for MAYBE a half hour if that. The entire time she was short and resentful towards Penelope. Penelope of course had a horrible time. My mom called me on their way back home to tell me her version of what went down. It was basically the same other than it was twisted that circumstances were out of her control and Penelope should have been more patient and my dad was the one who made Penelope upset by yelling at her and making a mountain out of a molehill. It's just mood crushing. I'm trying to do my job and all I can think about is how I need to be at home. That my inability to pay for appropriate care means leaving her with my parents who try yes, but make things worse. That I need a better paying job. Because with the emotional rollercoaster my life has turned into, there is no way I can be successful at this job and I can't live on $7.30/hour.
Then Tuesday, I get home and find out that Penelope was being "defiant and overall difficult" and that she was saying things that were mean in nature but in a very innocent childlike manner - obviously trying to push Grandma's buttons. (Grandma denies getting her buttons pushed but her tense tone gave her away. Hello! Been there, not something to ashamed of just to learn from.) But I also found out that Penelope was left to her own devices all day so Grandma could either work on her computer or watch TV - her typical daily grind. She made no effort to create structure for Penelope and the kid got bored and went looking for trouble. In addition to that, she ALSO never received her medication all day which explains why when I got home at 9:00, she was in a crazed hyper mood. Like a 3 year old after consuming lots of candy. Even though she took her evening meds to go to sleep, she didn't sleep well that night.
Wednesday, I had a brief vent/talk with my dad explaining how this just can't be - for all our sakes. He took over for the rest of the week. I don't know if things actually got better or my dad just doesn't tell me. I did check the internet browser history on my computer and found that Penelope had been visiting porn sites again. I changed the password on it and informed my parents not to let her on the internet without sitting with her. I told her that she had her internet priveldges removed, which she went into full tantrum over. Even though she admitted to going to the sites she couldn't understand why she can't be on the internet whenever she wants. It's so true when they say it doesn't matter if you tell them why, it's like they aren't listening. The connection is lost. It's pure emotion/want/need. Stuck at that stage. How do we help move her forward? It's not like she hasn't made the connections in the past - when she's been healthier. Is this part of the Dissociative Disorder? Her new therapist feels that she has a Dissociative Disorder based on what I've described about her. I had my dad ask her ATs and they said absolutetly. We've talked about it but never labeled it. It does make sense. It explains a lot. But I'm not sure it means anything to our treatment plan/goals. I think it just helps look at these circumstances as again where Penelope can't - not won't. She goes somewhere in her head that can't do/remember/connect the things she could when she is in a better place emotionally.
But, Thursday was a day of growth for Penelope. She went to attachment therapy and when discussing the issue over the internet use, she went into detail about her sexual abuse. I still don't think it's everything. But it's more than she's ever given anyone before. She did have a bit of anxiety and hypervigilience setting her back into 3 year old emotions and speech again. But she wasn't defiant or aggressive. Everyone was very supportive of her. She wouldn't let anyone tell me because she wanted to tell me. Which she did, the next day over the phone while I was driving home.
We start our new therapy on Tuesday. We plan on making the sexual abuse trauma more of a priority. So, this is good.
My dad is easier to talk to about these things but I swear, if it doesn't improve, it's either going to be the end of me or their marriage. I try to be a solutions person so I'm trying to find solutions here. Monday, I call my dad to tell him something and I can tell from his tone it's hell at home. I ask him what's going on, "What happened." My mom had told Penelope she was going to take her to the pool around noon after she runs a morning errand. While she is out, she decides to run over to my house which is locked of course, and the key was put up. If I had known she was going, I would have told her where it is. Anyway, by the time she was heading home she got hungry and decided to go to the grocery store and was in there for 1 1/2 hours. Penelope was waiting at the foot of the stairs in her bathing suit, towel in hand at noon. My mom didn't get home until 1pm, at which time she needed to eat. Ate until 2pm. By this time Penelope is laying on her bed crying saying things like "I knew she didn't want to take me to the pool!" Then my mom goes and puts her own suit on and gets ready to go. But before she can go, she needs to make a phone call. She is on the phone for AN HOUR. Penelope is now steaming mad. She tells Grandma how she is really hurting her feelings - no name calling or anything disrepectful. To which my mom yells at her, yes.. yells at her for being impatient. My dad who has been getting more pissed about what was going on and trying to get my mom to do what she promised, snapped when my mom yelled at Penelope, and yelled at my mom. My mom took Penelope to the pool for MAYBE a half hour if that. The entire time she was short and resentful towards Penelope. Penelope of course had a horrible time. My mom called me on their way back home to tell me her version of what went down. It was basically the same other than it was twisted that circumstances were out of her control and Penelope should have been more patient and my dad was the one who made Penelope upset by yelling at her and making a mountain out of a molehill. It's just mood crushing. I'm trying to do my job and all I can think about is how I need to be at home. That my inability to pay for appropriate care means leaving her with my parents who try yes, but make things worse. That I need a better paying job. Because with the emotional rollercoaster my life has turned into, there is no way I can be successful at this job and I can't live on $7.30/hour.
Then Tuesday, I get home and find out that Penelope was being "defiant and overall difficult" and that she was saying things that were mean in nature but in a very innocent childlike manner - obviously trying to push Grandma's buttons. (Grandma denies getting her buttons pushed but her tense tone gave her away. Hello! Been there, not something to ashamed of just to learn from.) But I also found out that Penelope was left to her own devices all day so Grandma could either work on her computer or watch TV - her typical daily grind. She made no effort to create structure for Penelope and the kid got bored and went looking for trouble. In addition to that, she ALSO never received her medication all day which explains why when I got home at 9:00, she was in a crazed hyper mood. Like a 3 year old after consuming lots of candy. Even though she took her evening meds to go to sleep, she didn't sleep well that night.
Wednesday, I had a brief vent/talk with my dad explaining how this just can't be - for all our sakes. He took over for the rest of the week. I don't know if things actually got better or my dad just doesn't tell me. I did check the internet browser history on my computer and found that Penelope had been visiting porn sites again. I changed the password on it and informed my parents not to let her on the internet without sitting with her. I told her that she had her internet priveldges removed, which she went into full tantrum over. Even though she admitted to going to the sites she couldn't understand why she can't be on the internet whenever she wants. It's so true when they say it doesn't matter if you tell them why, it's like they aren't listening. The connection is lost. It's pure emotion/want/need. Stuck at that stage. How do we help move her forward? It's not like she hasn't made the connections in the past - when she's been healthier. Is this part of the Dissociative Disorder? Her new therapist feels that she has a Dissociative Disorder based on what I've described about her. I had my dad ask her ATs and they said absolutetly. We've talked about it but never labeled it. It does make sense. It explains a lot. But I'm not sure it means anything to our treatment plan/goals. I think it just helps look at these circumstances as again where Penelope can't - not won't. She goes somewhere in her head that can't do/remember/connect the things she could when she is in a better place emotionally.
But, Thursday was a day of growth for Penelope. She went to attachment therapy and when discussing the issue over the internet use, she went into detail about her sexual abuse. I still don't think it's everything. But it's more than she's ever given anyone before. She did have a bit of anxiety and hypervigilience setting her back into 3 year old emotions and speech again. But she wasn't defiant or aggressive. Everyone was very supportive of her. She wouldn't let anyone tell me because she wanted to tell me. Which she did, the next day over the phone while I was driving home.
We start our new therapy on Tuesday. We plan on making the sexual abuse trauma more of a priority. So, this is good.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
EMDR
I've looked into EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. I don't really understand how it is effective but everything I've read including other mom's blogs who have tired EMDR with their child who has RAD, PTSD and other things, say how effective it is. Penelope has been having neurofeedback therapy for over 1 1/2 years and I consider this to be in the same catagory of alternative therapies and that has been working wonders for her.
So I went ahead and researched the local therapists who offer EMDR and are properly licensed and all that. There isn't that many that I could find and of all of them, only one was covered by Penelope's health insurance. So I put in a call and left a message detailing her diagnosis and our interest in EMDR. Yesterday I got a call from the therapist explaining that there is only one person who works with attachment issues and EMDR in the area. It's in KY. Great. It just seems like the big city of Cincinnati has nothing to offer kids with RAD. So she referred me to her. I called her and left a message. I didn't come across her name in my research and I was out on appointments so I hadn't had the chance of checking on the insurance coverage. She called me back before I got back in the office.
We had a good conversation about EMDR and the complication of RAD to therapy in general. Definitly got the impression I was talking to someone who understood and knows RAD. The downside is that she doesn't take insurance. But she would be covered by most out of network coverages. I asked about Medicaid, since we are still in that line. She said she doesn't know how that would apply. But her fee is $90 a session. That's reasonable in the grand scheme of things but that's $360/mo! I started to get kinda emotional, voice shaking. I hate HATE when my personal weaknesses interfere with the ability for Penelope to get the help that she needs. That the possibility there is help out there that could lessen her suffering but she can't have access to it because of me. I told her I'd have to call her back so I can see if we can find the money to do it. If we can't... we can't. I told her the I'm trying to come out of a financial slump and she understood our situation. She used to offer sliding scale fees but she is already over her cap on those type of accounts.
I called the insurance company. There is a 70% co-insurance once the deductible is met. There is $750 left on the annual deductible. I researched Medicaid. Did you know it's an HMO? I didn't know that. So, no out of network benefit. But, no premiums or co-pays or anything like that. So I called my Dad who.. God love him, said "Do it. She needs it. We will figure it out."
So I have the initial appointment set for the first week of June for her and I to go over all of Penelope's history and treatments. Then we will set Penelope up for weekly EMDR therapy. She will be out of school by then. I feel encouraged. I'm just so glad we can do it.
So I went ahead and researched the local therapists who offer EMDR and are properly licensed and all that. There isn't that many that I could find and of all of them, only one was covered by Penelope's health insurance. So I put in a call and left a message detailing her diagnosis and our interest in EMDR. Yesterday I got a call from the therapist explaining that there is only one person who works with attachment issues and EMDR in the area. It's in KY. Great. It just seems like the big city of Cincinnati has nothing to offer kids with RAD. So she referred me to her. I called her and left a message. I didn't come across her name in my research and I was out on appointments so I hadn't had the chance of checking on the insurance coverage. She called me back before I got back in the office.
We had a good conversation about EMDR and the complication of RAD to therapy in general. Definitly got the impression I was talking to someone who understood and knows RAD. The downside is that she doesn't take insurance. But she would be covered by most out of network coverages. I asked about Medicaid, since we are still in that line. She said she doesn't know how that would apply. But her fee is $90 a session. That's reasonable in the grand scheme of things but that's $360/mo! I started to get kinda emotional, voice shaking. I hate HATE when my personal weaknesses interfere with the ability for Penelope to get the help that she needs. That the possibility there is help out there that could lessen her suffering but she can't have access to it because of me. I told her I'd have to call her back so I can see if we can find the money to do it. If we can't... we can't. I told her the I'm trying to come out of a financial slump and she understood our situation. She used to offer sliding scale fees but she is already over her cap on those type of accounts.
I called the insurance company. There is a 70% co-insurance once the deductible is met. There is $750 left on the annual deductible. I researched Medicaid. Did you know it's an HMO? I didn't know that. So, no out of network benefit. But, no premiums or co-pays or anything like that. So I called my Dad who.. God love him, said "Do it. She needs it. We will figure it out."
So I have the initial appointment set for the first week of June for her and I to go over all of Penelope's history and treatments. Then we will set Penelope up for weekly EMDR therapy. She will be out of school by then. I feel encouraged. I'm just so glad we can do it.
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