1st week without working

Other than Monday, I've been really busy actually. Today I will have some time to do things that weren't scheduled but Monday I watched a bit of TV which was nice. I told myself I would do more exercising as part of my new dedication to start taking care of myself better. I was planning on walking in the mornings after dropping Penelope off at school. But it's cold! So I decided to walk to school to get Penelope and walk home with her. She likes walking home but isn't allowed to do it by herself. She has had some on/off again relationships with the girls that live by us so it just isn't in the cards. She was soo excited that I surprised her to walk home with her. She just seemed shocked. It was kind of funny though because I could tell she was planning on doing some "I'm hurt" somatic stuff expecting one of my parents to be picking her up. When she first saw me standing there not knowing I didn't drive, she was sort of limping and pointed to her big toe that was bandaged. When I expressed concerns about walking home, she straightened right up. She said it felt a lot better.
I used this opportunity of walking her home to tell her that I was let go from my job but that it's okay. She was a little concerned, but I told her that I wasn't happy there, that I will be entitled to unemployment while I look for something that would be better for us - probably start that business I told her about, and that I would get to spend much more time with her - like walk her home from school! She really liked it. She wanted to hold my hand the entire way home. I said "In front of your classmates walking? Aren't you concerned about them making fun of you?" She said "Oh no. I don't care. I want to hold your hand." How sweet is that?
By the time we got home we were exhausted. I know I was. I just walked a little over 2 1/2 miles and I am totally out of shape. Actually I was running late getting out of the house so I did the first half to get there in about 20 minutes. It was funny because we both went into my room and sprawled face up across my bed under the ceiling fan. We could feel our heart beats in our chest. Then Papaw walked in not a minute later and went into the kitchen. He was bringing food over from George's house (since he's in jail) so we could use it before it goes bad. Penelope didn't know it was from George's but I did. He saw us laying there on my bed and laughed at us. He asked "Who is more exhausted and out of shape?" We both pointed to eachother. We all just laughed. He had brought a huge 5 lb package of ground chuck that George had bought. He said we needed to use it quick before it expires. He said he also put a hole in the plastic with his thumb accidentally. I had to go to the store to buy things to cook with it. So Penelope and I went to the store and bought some chili making stuff (Penelope's favorite), some spaghetti stuff, stuff to go with hamburgers, and storage bags for all this food. I am going to have soooo much food! There is no way I'm going to be able to use this whole 5 lbs! We get home and Penelope is excited about having our family recipe chili. I pull the big package of meat out to start the chili and I started to inspect it. With a closer eye it looks a funny color brown and the "Sold or freeze by" date is 9/28/10. It's 10/18/10... ewwww! I called my Dad. "Hey! Did you know the sold or freeze by date is 9/28/10?" He says, "Yeah, 9/28 right... oh wait, it's October. Oh no, you need to pitch that." I'm thinking 'Ugh..great Dad.' I said "I just bought a bunch of food that requires ground meat. Okay, I'll figure out something. No biggie." He says, "And the more I think about it, I don't know if I put that hold in it or not. I think it was there already." I said "Okay.. thanks anyway." Great Dad... No biggie. We had meatless spaghetti for dinner. Penelope was disappointed but she loves spaghetti too. It was funny though. I love him for his effort.
Tuesday was my Uncle's funeral. Not an Uncle I was very close with but only because he was always so quiet and how close can a girl growing up get close to a strange man who doesn't say anything to her. But I love my Aunt a lot and I feel for her loss and feel for the loss for my two cousins. I can't imagine losing my Dad. They handled it very well but there Dad was very sick for the last 3 years and now is with God and knows no pain. They were ready for him to have relief.
I left Penelope in school for this event. She is so hypersensitive. Seeing a dead person would just make her a wreck and my fear was her acting inappropriate or asking inappropriate questions. She hadn't seen her Great Uncle since since she was like 4 or 5 and probably never said a word to him. Plus, my twin brother wouldn't have come and that wouldn't have been fair for him.
The whole event lasted from 11:00 until about 5:00 between the visitation, the funeral home service, the interment at the cemetery, and food back at the church. My mom and I missed his interment because we had to go pick up Penelope at school.
After that we had to go back to my parents' house because I needed to fax off some paperwork for unemployment and also look for my jury duty paperwork. I received a letter in the mail Sunday night saying I needed to report for federal jury duty on Wednesday. I'm so glad they sent me something because I had totally forgot to call in and check the past 2 Fridays to see if I had to report. I have been so bad about my jury duty. I registered like 3 weeks late, then forgot to check to see if I had to report and if you don't report or anything, you can get a big fine and maybe jail time it said. I found out later that they will send a Marshall to your home and/or work and force you to report and you could end up holding up the whole day for everyone else. Yikes! It's not that I don't want to perform my civic duty because I do! I guess I just have so much on my plate that my brain stopped being selective about what I do and don't forget, important or not.
I couldn't find it at my parents, so Penelope and I came home. I couldn't find it at home either! I tried to call in and see if I can access whether or not I had to report on Wednesday or not (as the letter said to still check the night before and the morning of in case the case settles). It wouldn't let me check without my participant number. My mom ended up finding it at their house! Found out I do have to report. So Papaw has to come to my house by 7am to take Penelope to school so I can be at the courthouse downtown by 8am. There was 50 of us there at which time I learned about the whole Marshall thing. Thank goodness. The federal court building in downtown Cincinnati is beautiful on the inside. So was the court room. I was one of the lucky "18" who got to sit in the jury box for jury selection. The rest had to sit on the wood benches. They were nice wingback chairs that raised and lowered and had a foot rest. We had a few breaks and lunch. It was interesting what people were attracted to me. Everyone was nice, because we are all in this together I guess. The beautiful black gay man came over to me during our first break and struck up a conversation. Then during the lunch break a nice old woman came up to me who seemed totally out of her element, never comes into the city, definitely from a rural area in Ohio. She is a part time nurse at a nursing home. She wanted me to have lunch with her. I only knew that there was a Chipotle nearby that I really wanted to go to. She had never had Chipotle. I told her about it and she seemed up for it. I told her I would be okay with going somewhere else, I just don't really know what our options are. She was okay with it. She just wanted a salad. I told her I don't know about their salad but there other food is good. I felt bad because she seemed so out of place there. It was loud and busy and her salad was spicy she said. But she kept saying it was good and she ate most of it. I love Chipotle's burrito bowl. Love it.
The rest of the time the beautiful black gay guy and I hung out. He was funny and I called him "Number 18" because that was his juror number and he thought that was funny. A woman who also was black came up to us and was talking with us. She was complaining about the court reporter because she kept making her repeat herself because she talks.. well black and sometimes it's hard to understand her. I do think the court reporter was getting a little mean about it but I'm thinking... why are the only two black people hanging out with me? I'm so vanilla, with my (before Penelope) Coach purse and preppy outfit, what is it about me that attracted them to me? I'm not upset by it by any means, I enjoy all people as long as they are nice, and goodhearted. I'm glad actually. Both my brothers always told me I am a snob. Mostly George. But he is not nice or goodhearted so ... I get that. But I always thought I naturally repelled most people because of my conservative appearance. It was nice and I actually left the day in a very upbeat mood having been "accepted" by people that are different from me. I didn't get "accepted" as a juror which I was disappointed about. Not that I don't have enough on my plate but I thought it would be a great learning experience. I have to call in this Friday to see if I have to report next week, and I won't forget this time! But then that's it for now.
Thursday, I dropped Penelope off at school and went over my twin brother's to watch my nephew while my brother took his daughter on her field trip. It was just until my Dad could relieve me so I could go to lunch with some old co-workers' who wanted to take me to lunch as a send off. My nephew and I played Lego StarWars on XBox and Wii Resort games. My nephew is so funny. When we were playing Lego StarWars, he was starting to get bored (probably because I stunk at it) and changed his character to C3PO and wanted me to take my lightsaber and hit him 3 times. Just 3 times. The forth time would kill him. Three times cuts each arm off and a leg. So when he moves around he is armless with sparks coming out of the sockets and hopping around on one leg. He just thought that was the funniest thing! The boy CRACKS ME UP! Here is a picture of him playing Wii.
While I was there, my old boss texted me a picture of my new replacement at work sitting at my desk. He's a bit of a jokester. The other Asst. Manager is really into Halloween and brought this guy in. I responded by saying that he is better looking than me. Probably will be able to sell more. He is definitely closer in age to the clientelle. Have more in common with them.
I showed my nephew and he faked screamed and said it was scary. Boys.
I went and met my old boss and co-worker for lunch. It was good seeing them. Listening to them talk a little shop made me even more excited about not working there. It was their call night and no body is having luck selling anything and the Regional VP is having a mandatory conference call with the whole region about sales. I've sat in on a couple of those and they are NO fun. He only has them when the region is behind. You are expected to work the entire weekend and go door knocking. I won't miss that. I tried to hide my happiness so I wasn't rubbing it in.
Then after that I picked up Penelope from school and we headed to attachment therapy. It was a good session. This was the second AT session I've gone to in a row and her AT said her brain waves during neurofeedback were down last week compared to others. I told her that Penelope still views moving as bad but I do think it's just because she hasn't gotten to see the place yet. The other day she had said how it's bad we are moving and I said "Well lets go drive by and look at it again." We were on the way to the store anyway. But until she can envision her stuff in her room she is having a hard time, very anxious about it and it affects her sleep and her ability to cope. Soon though! Closing was either going to be today or Monday. It's not today so I'm hoping Monday. My mother gave me the impression it might not be Monday either. Ugh! I just hope it happens period. I'm not going to be that picky. It just needs to happen so we don't have to rent and SOON. Please! Anyway, I digress.
The other topic that I wanted to bring up was a short conversation Penelope and I had earlier in the week. I asked Penelope if she would want to start going back to church now that we are not spending whole weekends with Grandma and Papaw? She said she didn't want to. Basically, she gets really anxious in church where she is short of an anxiety attack, which I do remember. We talked about why she thinks she gets so anxious. It's two fold. One, she is angry with God for letting the bad things happen to her. Second, she is afraid she isn't good enough to go to church, that she doesn't deserve to be there. I asked why she feels she doesn't deserve to be there. She said because of the bad things that she has done. Her AT said that actually is really good news to hear about her remorse. She is growing a conscience. She cares! She does want to talk to Penelope about this because it's so important she learns from these feelings.
This is where the fact her therapy is at a Catholic agency really comes in handy. We are not Catholic but Christian. Her AT totally respects all religious beliefs. She beautifully explained God's love for Penelope and told biblical stories of forgiveness, and God's own suffering to show us his love that brought me to tears. We talked about how positive growth can come from our own suffering and bad choices to makes us stronger people. Her AT told her how she will be able to help others through her experiences. It reminds me of something I had heard in church a while ago that was said by a guest speaker. He said "God gives us our strengths, not for us, but for others." It all is interlinked and very important in this message for Penelope. I could tell Penelope was listening and the message that her AT was giving her really sunk in because of how still she sat and the expression on her face. Forgiving herself is going to be one of her biggest challenges.
Now today I am finishing up this post and going to go out into this work and FIND BOXES for moving. :) Haven't started packing yet. Oh, and I have to make Penelope's costume for Halloween soon too. And then at 3pm I'm taking my niece to the park to celebrate her birthday just her and I (since I couldn't go to her birthday party because of Penelope not allowed to go) and then around 5pm until late I am spending the entire evening with my niece and nephew. What to do what to do... Grandma is picking up Penelope and taking her home. I need to pack her and I a bag for that and we are going to stay at my parents tonight. I get to see the kitties! All is good. I'm not even nervous waiting for something bad to happen. Is that the anti-depressant working or just things going that well?

Personal discernments

You know I consider my parenting Penelope as a journey that her and I are on together. I look at it as a journey only her and I are on together, even though there are other participants in our world. But they are not on our journey, just like passengers on the same plane are not on the same journey. We are alone in this journey. But unlike passengers on a plane, who's life is basically in the pilots hands, I am the one in control of this journey. As much control as I can be I guess. And I just learn more and more that I really don't have much control over it at all.
This whole journey has really cracked open the facade of my life. I had a view of my life being one where I had total control and 100% responsiblilty and accountability for every single thing that went on in it. One of my pet peeves, something I have always seen as a huge character flaw - and still do - of George, is when people take absolutely no responsibility or accountability for their actions. "I was late because I ran into so and so..." or, more specifically "I didn't know so you can't blame me" when it came to Penelope's circumstances. It's like saying "I sat her in the middle of the road but it's not my fault she got hit by a car." Anyway, I countered my intolerance to that mindset by having a rather opposite mindset. I did know that a lot of things were out of my control but I felt that I could, if need to or if my energy was focused on it, gain some control of it. I don't think my viewpoint was much different than most people who feel that, with enough effort, they can do anything. Isn't that what we learn, and honestly, what we teach and tell people? I mean, I tell that to Penelope "With enough work, you can do or be whatever you want to be." Is that fair though? Not just because she is Penelope with Reactive Attachment Disorder, but just because we honestly don't have that much control over our paths? There are always news reports about some amazing person who overcame their adversary to become whatever they wanted to be. Shouldn't they put a little disclaimer like they do during exercise equipment or weight loss commercials "*not typical. results will vary." or something?
So my perception / shell has cracked open. My confidence in things comes from that perception. I'm a perfectionist at heart. I don't work well in the gray.. the "maybe." I feel like I have to start over at 34 (next month). Learn to live in this uncertainty. It's been 10 months since I've worked and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to go back into my career again. It's hard enough to find the level position I was at when just looking, let alone with the economy and having quit and not worked for 10 months. A couple of people had recommended being self-employed and do consulting work. That takes confidence - something I lack anymore.
Plus I'm consumed with my role of parenting Penelope. It's an important role but it's not one that puts food on the table. But it's more important than any role I could have that does put food on the table. So how do I balance that? That's another thing I've learned I am not good at. I just figured, it's something I could control.. but it wasn't.
I think I also hide in this role.. It has consumed me so now it's where I feel comfortable. It's what I know anymore. I think of it as Penelope's AT think of Yuckworld. It's not a place you want to be, but you are so use to it, you're are comfortable in it. It's scary to get outside of it and go into Happyland. I want to be in Happyland, but until I know that Penelope is out of Yuckworld for good, I'm having a hard time letting myself out of it too. A good offense is a good defense, right?
I just don't know any other way right now. I even "parent" my brother's kids that way. I see my brother and his wife do the more traditional correctives, and I cringe.
Two weekends ago, Penelope and I stopped over to play with the kids while their parents put a new "big girl" bed together for my 2 1/2 year old niece. I'm going to call her Maddie. She was clinging to me wanting me to play with her. She is into brushing your hair and putting fake lipstick on you with these toys she has. But she had dumped her brother's metal lunch box of army men on the floor and was refusing to pick them up. Total, flat out, refusal. "NO" and huffed off to do something she would rather do wanting me to play with her. I told her "Not until you pick up your brother's toys you dumped." Well, she had a fit. Screaming and crying. She wasn't going to do it and I'm just down right mean to her for making her. I said "Then maybe you need a time out to calm down." And then RAD Mom kicked in. "Thanks for letting me know you needed a time out. Let me know when you are ready to get up by stop crying." This was a modified version of Strong Sitting. Knowing, based on the rules of Strong Sitting, you have to change up the time by the age, that she wasn't going to be able to deal with too much sitting. So I checked on her after 15 seconds and said "Thanks for letting me know you still need more time" giving her two thumbs up and a big smile. If a 2 1/2 year old knew what crack was, she definitely thought I was on it from her expression. But I knew that when I paid attention to her, her cries got louder. But as a "Mom" I could tell her cries after the first initial 10 second fit were just fake and forced. After about 3 or 4 minutes and 3 more checkups, she stopped crying. I went in and said "Did you stop crying?? Awesome! You did great!" High fived her, and said "Now all you need to do is go pick up the toys and we can go have some fun!" She picked up every single army man with a skip in her step and a smile on her face. LOL. It actually cracked me up. Then about 30 minutes later, she got a hold of someone's lip balm. Expensive looking. Her mom gives her cleaned out empty lip gloss stuff but this was full. I tried to take it from her but she wouldn't give it to me and then she became all beligerent again. I took it from her and she busted out a huge tantrum. So it was time to sit out again. Did the same thing, but this time it only lasted maybe a minute. When she was done and was allowed to get up, she wanted the lip balm back. I said "No, sweetie." She said "But I stopped crying." That made me laughed. I gave her a hug and told her that she did and I was proud of her, but her sit out was for not doing as I told her to. She said "Oh, okay.." and went off to play.
It's a cute story but it's an example of how I am just this different person anymore. It's not that I was ever a yeller or anything like that.. but just like the rest of the world, our parenting instincts are just a certain way. Just like now, these are my new instincts, other instincts have changed too.
So now I need to go on a new journey of self-discovery. I did the sewing of oats/ self-discovery when I was in my late teens early twenties. Years working at the YMCA, traveling, and college. Now, I'm on a new but different journey of self-discovery. It's not just me anymore, but me with a child who has special needs. I have to find me in all this.
One thing I've done, and it just seemed that where my life has led me, was to start going to church. Penelope is much more religious than I am. And because of her, I talk about God more than I ever had. She has questions. I give her my take on it, but then am I just bullshitting her with my own personal spin? I was raised without a church. My father was born Baptist, but I gathered from the bits that I know about him and religion that he feels he's "done his time" in church, having gone Saturdays, Sundays, and Wednesdays every week until he moved away from home. My mother was raised Methodist and that's the church that they were married in. When we were in grade school, Mom took us church shopping here and there, but we never continued anywhere. We grew up in a very Catholic area of town and my twin brother and I went to a Catholic school for two years in grade school to help us academically. We were the only non-Catholics at the school which drew a lot of negative attention. That's why it was for only two years. I had a friend in grade school that was Jehovah's Witness - who told me I as was going to hell which freaked me out... I did volunteer and work at the YMCA which is my only positive religious related experience. Which prompted me to try to go to a non-denominational Christian church - being that the YMCA is non-denominational - when I was in my 3rd year of school. But the one I picked, close to my neighborhood I grew up in, was so weird! They talked about how other religions are "Cults" including Baptists and Catholics and they knew they were evil and were trying to get you to think they are not. And how he was at a conference in Hawaii and met a witch who tried to brainwash him or some crap like that. People were "speaking in different tongues" and they had at the end time for people to come up to be healed. I tried to keep an open mind and went for a month. - 4 times. But then I had enough. That was my last attempt at going to a church.

My older brother, Penelope's dad, went to a Catholic high school and his senior year he was baptised. But after graduating high school, he never set foot in a Catholic Church again. I think he did it because one of the priests had taken him under his wing in high school. That actually is a little bit of insight into how George thinks. If you are super nice to him and want him to believe something, he will bend over backwards to fullfill that wish for you. But it's more in a self-serving way. It's very superficial. There are no true convictions to that belief. A few years after that he met some people that were into Neo-Nazis and he got into that. Strolling downtown wearing their Doc Martins with white shoe laces, picking fights with anyone they found inferior - people of color, interracial couples, homosexuals - whomever. I assume he did that. He would comment about people he knew who did that - but was smart enough not to say he did it too. I know he wore the shoes with the laces. He made a point to let me know what the white laces meant (White Power) and Doc Martins being German was also very important. All things German... That is the circle he met Harriet I also assume - since that was around the time. I'm not really sure how she came into the picture other than she was someone who didn't care he was a total social reject, since she was the same. But she had an identity crisis of her own she battled. She went back and forth from skinhead with her own black outfits, black hair to hippy chick with peace signs, long flowy gauze dresses and tie died tops and sandles. George hated the hippy stuff. But, just like George, she conformed to whatever was socially appropriate in the circles that were accepting of them. They got engaged and then Harriet ended up pregnant with Penelope. So then they broke away from the Neo-Nazi thing and followed their closest friends in a different direction and decided they would join a more family-friendly Christian organization. (I say sarcastically) I'm not sure when they switched over to the Klu Klux Klan actually but they had become more domestic even though Harriet got busted for putting hate flyers on cars at the grocery store parking lot next to their apartment complex right before Penelope was born. We knew they were racists but we didn't know they joined any groups until Harriet used George's membership against him during the divorce to get emergency custody of Penelope. It took us a week to get a judge to listen have another hearing so George could present proof of Harriet's membership also. Did you know the KKK have membership cards? Nothing too technical. It had a "Put name here" on a line in the middle.
After that went down, George saw that he couldn't be a member any more or he could lose Penelope again. George's KKK friends told George "Just say the word" and they were going to get rid of Harriet. "You don't speak ill of a brother or the brotherhood." How is this an okay group to belong to?? He still defends them as non-violent misunderstood people.
After a couple of years he had found a grandmother figure "Charlene" that loved to watch Penelope. She was very religious and talked George into going to her church. She was very good at selling the idea of church being a good place to pick up chicks to him. So then, as a single dad, looking for a "mother for Penelope" started going to church. I'm not sure what kind of church it is but I know that the women and girls had to wear long skirts and little white hair bonnets. Very conservative. George and Penelope went there for about a year. George stopped going to that church because he said they were too conservative for him and he had new friends at a different church (ie. new pond for fishing). But since he isn't much into the religious stuff, he only went when there was a girl of interest going. Charlene was very concerned for both George and Penelope's souls. Her church's belief was that if you didn't go to their church, you were going to hell. So she kept persuing George to go back. George would say no (he wanted to sleep in), so Charlene offered to take Penelope to church and for the day - no charge. So Penelope went to that church and learned how everyone who doesn't go to that church is going to hell. Including her mother and father. Penelope asks Charlene "What about my mom and dad?" Charlene says "They are going to hell." Great....... Penelope also has learned the criteria of who qualifies for heaven and hell and starts going around telling people they are going to hell. Great..... WTF George! He just dismisses the problem because this wonderfully nice lady takes his needy kid off his hands for a day once a week for no cost! Around the time I came in the picture...... for more than that reason but that was one of them....

So now, after having her for 4 years, we are going to a church. We are not members yet but I see that in our near future. I don't want to jump the gun but be rational and investigative. But I really don't see how it doesn't fit what I believe and what I want Penelope to believe. I believe that our religion is too personal to be defined within an organized religion. I also believe that there is no right or wrong belief as long as it doesn't promote harm or hate. For Penelope, I want her to learn not to judge but embrace her difference and others differences as unique parts to learn about. We started going to this church that is Unitarian Universalist. It's a small congregation which has it's pros and cons. This past Sunday was their annual "church shoppers Sunday" where they talked about what it means to be a UU and gave examples of UU members and their different beliefs and backgrounds. There were several other visitors like Penelope and I and this was the first time we met and sat down with the Reverend. We met with him with some of the other visitors. Two were a couple who are also looking to get married. One is Buddhist and the other is Christian. I thought that was so interesting! But they just talked about all the different types of religious backgrounds that the Sunday Sermons are built from. Not just Christian but all religions and that they are accepting of everyone as long as they follow and promote their beliefs. They believe all people, regardless of gender, race, ethnicity, religious belief, or sexual orientation, have inherent worth. They celebrate their different experiences, opinions, and lifestyles. They believe in moral and ethical living, striving to live with compassion, and maintaining the rational of justice and equality.
It's interesting, not this Sunday but next Sunday the Sermon is going to be "Blessing of the Animals." We are suppose to bring our family pet to church so that we can "celebrate the sacredness of the animal kingdom" and our personal relationships with our furry friends. Penelope has already picked out which pet we are bringing.

The weekend

I've been keeping Penelope busy this weekend - since her visit with her father and her fit she had later that night against Grandma.
I spoke to my both my parents, separately, today about the event. My dad said that he went upstairs for a minute and all of a sudden he heard Penelope and my mom yelling at eachother. By the time he got there to find out what was going on, Penelope had already ran into the bathroom crying. It goes along with what Penelope said about my mom yelling at her. Unfortunately the mother isn't mature enough to admit that she yelled at Penelope, but I told her I know that it happened. She knows she "can't handle it" when it comes to Penelope. The things I tell her to do and how to approach Penelope, just are not things she is capable of. She admits it, but then when she talks about her relationship with Penelope like Penelope targets her for this behavior. "She would never have done it front of your father." She is right, but she thinks it's because she is George's mother. I told her "No, she doesn't see George as having done anything wrong so why would she look to blame anybody for how he turned out?" Obviously that is an internal issue my mother is having. But I was blunt and honest with her. I said "It's because she has done these "tests" and you have failed them. Like you said, you 'can't handle it.' And because of that, she doesn't feel safe with you. She feels like she can be the boss when it's just the two of you. That's why you can't be with just her for now." She looked a bit stunned, didn't question it, and may have been pissed about it, but it's the truth and if she wants to blame herself for anything, than it needs to be her selfish need to be the one to fix this her way instead of the right way. The way that obviously has been working for us so far.
Saturday, we scheduled some cleaning therapy. Boy O boy is my parents' bathroom filthy! I am madly in love with Mr. Clean Eraser Sponges but the gunk on the tile floor of their shower isn't budging. We tried soft scrub with two types of scrub brushes - nothing. But anyway! Penelope did some work but after about 30 minutes starting having complaints about her legs hurting her, her back hurting her, upset stomach, extreme fatigue. The ususal. I pushed her and got a little more out of her.. It was all good. I already knew from that morning that she was having a bit of anxiety from her visit. She said she was having a hard time breathing. Nothing major, not painful, but she could fill a different than normal. It is her anxiety! And the upset stomach, and fatigue. Not surprised. But she was coping very well.
Grandma was there. I had a short and to the point talk with Penelope about being mad at Grandma. I told her, it is understandable - her feelings were hurt. However, she is not allowed to be mean to her. I talk about having honest emotions - not bottle them up or deny them (I don't want her going from one extreme to another in this healing process) but that there are approapriate behaviors even when you want to act out. When we first got to the house, she avoided Grandma for the first few minutes - because she was afraid to accidentally be mean to her, as she explained later. But once she was able to let go of her anger, she was able to be social with Grandma. They both still need to apologize. I've told both of them that, but neither one has taken the step to do it.. yes, the 67 year old still hasn't taken the step. As my dad puts it, he has never seen her apologize to anyone in her life. To be so perfect!
Later that evening, we watched the 2nd Harry Potter movie. The 3 cats snuggled up with us all together. It's our family! I talk to her about our family being unique and include our cats, she loves to picture them that way. She will draw pictures of our family and it's the 5 of us. Very proud of her family.
Sunday, we went to church for the first time ever (except for Easter with my good brother). I've been meaning to find a church for us to go to.. The time for church has been marked off on Sundays on our Weekly Schedule for months, but I just couldn't bring myself to take her to any of the churches in our community. Penelope has a relationship with God that I never had. And I don't want to be the reason why she doesn't nurture that relationship. But I couldn't bring myself to take her to the Baptist church down the street, or the Presbyterian church she goes to tutoring at after school.. I've done the non-denominational thing before. We are not Catholic. George was baptised Catholic when he was 18 but hasn't stepped foot in a Catholic church since. His religious viewpoints became rather extreme - in certain ways and not others. Very hypocritical. Him and Harriet joined the KKK and within a year, he became the Grand Cyclopes of his geographical region. Did I know this, hell no. And one way I few the KKK is an Christian Extremist group. So far off base they feel off the platform. Just like Bin Laden and other religious extremists. So Penelope's religious beliefs are stemmed from certain ideologies I am totally against. I've told her that only God can judge and haven't allowed any predjudice or hateful type things to be uttered toward anyone. She has been around me long enough to be open to new ways of looking at the world and I think I have found the church with the right message.
Oddly enough, it's a church that was mentioned by an online friend and I liked what I heard. It's called Unitarian Universalist. So, after the last few weeks, I have did a little digging to learn more about it. I found it so refreshing and thought maybe this could be what I have been searching for on and off since I was in college. Coincidentally enough, I found a congregation that is 2 minutes from my home, and I pass multiple times a day. I just never knew what UU was or looked into it until it was mentioned by this friend.
So, we went today. Penelope was so excited about going to church! She has asked me several times over the last few months to go to church. She was excited and I was nervous. So we get there and talk to a couple people who were helping "visitors" out. We got name tags and went into the sanctuary. Penelope wanted to sit in the first row! I'm like.. "Well, okay.." But the kids all leave after the first 15 minutes to go to the educational program. I forgot about that. lol. So I sat up there all by myself. It was okay though. I'm just not one who does well in unfamiliar places. But, I observed what went on and I found it so refreshing of a change. No one was telling you that you are inherintly flawed and need to repent, or everyone is bad except for those in that room, or people "speaking in tongues" or doing the hands raised, eyes closed rocking back and forth filled with the spirit. This sermon was given by a long time member of the church who just got his BA in religious studies from a local Catholic university. It was interesting! He talked about the similiarities and differences of Catholisism and UU but also how he has grown a great respect for the Catholic religion. No bashing? None. We will be going back.