Mutant Child

I use the word mutant because I feel like Penelope mutates every six months into a different child, similar to the one before but with new strengths and weaknesses, new challenges requiring new approaches to parenting. I use this term instead of evolves. Maybe that’s just how I feel at the moment because we are in a step backward momentum right now. And maybe it’s not even a backward momentum she is going, but a revelation of where she truly is at in this journey versus where I thought she was.

A couple weeks ago, right before spring break, she went out with her friend to a teen night club. Her phone was acting up so I switched cell phones with her for the evening. We’ve done it before. I’ve even gone through her phone before. But it’s a smart phone (as is mine) and maybe I just didn’t look through all the apps and all the folders but this time I found close up naked pictures she had taken of herself. Fortunately she didn’t include her face in the photos. The photo album I found it in was titled one of her Apps. It was a chatting App. She had shared these pics with a couple boys she "met" somehow. I do not believe she knows them, they do not seem local. Of course, they had sent pics of themselves as well. On top of that I found porn in her search history.

Of course, she lost her cell phone privileges, and in good RAD parenting fashion, I didn’t punish her or yell at her. All consequences were related to the behavior, removing the phone was primary, and all the freedoms having phone access to her went with it. I told her how sad it was that she didn’t hold herself to a higher standard in her relationships (or attempts at relationships). I love her too much to allow her to hurt herself and her self image that way. She was very angry and said "You don’t understand!" (What mother does?) "Boys don’t pay me any attention at school. I get what I can get where I can get it." Yikes. Not terribly surprising. Her self-concept has always been such a huge challenge. It’s one of the few constants. How it rears its "ugly" head is what changes it seems.

One of the other interesting pieces to this whole thing is that in the past she would volunteer how there are kids at her school who would do this, do that, including what she did with her chat app, and she would never do it, because she thinks it’s gross or she doesn’t want to end up with the same problems her mother did or some very relatable answer. Did I buy it all hook, line and sinker? No. But it gave us the opportunity for us to talk about these topics and try to be on the same page as to why these high risk behaviors would be poor decisions. This is a bit different then her usual RAD lying in that typically it’s Penelope creating a fantasy world (boys that like her and fights that never happened) or telling me about something she wished happened to her or she did.

My initial approach to this problem was to establish some tasks that she must do in order to demonstrate her level of responsibility in order to get her phone back. I fundamentally didn’t feel like it was enough, not really addressing the main issue but also wanting her to have this typical teen accessory. It didn’t matter because this approach went nowhere. She dug her heals in and blocked any discussion about potential tasks but instead started saying how she knows better now and how right I am, and that she is making her BFF stop chatting with boys like that too because it’s wrong. BLAH. Do I have STUPID written across my forehead?

That was about 2 weeks ago. A couple of days ago, we were chatting about something at school and I suggested using Facebook for online came up and she said "It’s not like I am allowed to go on there!" Then she shut to whole conversation down. She feels like she is never getting her phone back. I told her "I’m not sure how you are to get your phone back when anytime the topic comes up, you ‘don’t want to talk about it.’" That night, I couldn’t sleep and went to get some water around midnight. When I passed her room I saw a glow coming from under her covers. When I went in to inspect, I found she had taken back her phone, from my PURSE. It was in my purse earlier that night. I don’t know what she was doing because it was on the main screen when I took it from her. All I could say was "Wow. What am I suppose to say?" And went to bed.. well, after I calmed down a bit I went to bed. After I went through her phone trying to figure out what she was doing. She had been looking at porn. The chat app was gone, as a lot of other things on it. But then I learned she had taken the external SD card from it. I also found out that she had a secret email account and some social media accounts attached to it. Me, not a happy camper.

I took the next day to think about it. I wanted to be strategic about it. Regardless, the phone is gone. Deactivated. But that’s just a speed bump in the bigger challenge.

So that evening, I went home with the mindset that I’m not even going to address the phone. It’s such a pea size issue at this point. We need to look at why this is such a compulsion for her, what she gets from it, and what she can do to replace it that is more rewarding, more satisfying and appropriate.

I began that conversation with her. She said that she got bored with chatting with the boys, that it eventually didn’t do anything for her. She feels like life is boring. Her life is boring. She does the same thing day in and day out. Why can’t demons and vampires be real? She wants to be a demon or vampire (or mutant child). She wishes there was an apocalypse so people can be scared and she could be a leader of a gang and chop people up. I said "Do you here what you’re saying?" I repeated back to her what she said. I wanted to clarify "You want people to be more scared? More scared in general? Or scared of you?" She said "I want them to be more scared of me." When she says this, you can see the shame on her face. By this point, she is sitting on the floor against the wall farthest from me holding a pillow to her chest. She said "Everyone has more power than me, I want to be stronger. I want them to be scared of me."

Basically, she wants to feel safer. She feels that if they fear her, she will be safer. She is tired of being scared of them instead. I told her that it’s a perception she has, and that no one has any more power over her than she has over them. But I get it and want her to feel safe and it’s something we are going to work on together.

Taking what she said out of that context is unnerving to say the least. And I'm still having that type of reaction regardless. I keep thinking "I think I lost a year of my life in that conversation."  It's not something I'd ever hear come from her at this point in our journey. Chop people up? The conversation tore me up, to imagine she feels this way just demonstrates how scared she is and always is at some level. At least I can see that in that conversation. At the same time, I thought lack of wanting to get out and do things was more to being hypersensitive to stressors that cause her to be scared. But that has led her to feel her life boring and monotonous.

I still think it’s all based on her lack of self-esteem. It’s all related. If you don’t have the confidence to put yourself out there because you are scared of what could happen, you are a prisoner within the walls you have built. Life would become rather boring I guess.

The other issue I’ve identified is that she spends way too much with her head in fantasy and sci-fi based shows, videos, books, and just overall thinking. She is trying to escape her reality. This is not new for her and I’ve told her that I can’t allow it. It’s not healthy for her and it won’t fix her problems. So, she has been cut off of anything fantasy or science fiction based. She is also going to spend more time disconnected from technology. I can’t cut her off completely as it’s too much a part of her school work; homework, texts, are mostly electronic. But she is scaling back to the minimum.

This conversation happened on Thursday. That night and Friday morning she was completely sick to her stomach. I ended up keeping her home and having her Papaw pick her up and take her to his house. I certainly wasn’t leaving her home by herself. I hadn’t had time to brief either Papaw or Grandma on the evening prior. Grandma thought it would good for Papaw and myself to sit down with Penelope at their house when I pick her up to cover everything. It’s good to loop Papaw into this even though I’m not sure what he can do beyond just be a reinforcing family member for Penelope. That in itself is a big deal.

Finally going to write an update

I'm not sure why I have fought blogging for such a long time. My last real post about Penelope and I was right after the new year. After the holidays were over and was still whirling about that. Penelope has, I think over all, improved. But it's a new set of challenges.
One may be something I've created but I don't think so. I think it was the right decision. I have taken her off almost all her medication. She is still on an anti-depressant but I have had her taken off of her ADHD medication and her mood stabilizers. I may regret the mood stabilizers as she continues down the road of puberty. But I feel like the neurofeedback and attachment therapy has done wonderful things for her ability to be less hyper and more in control of her emotions. I can't say that about her impulse control, but I don't think any of her meds can help her with that.
We still have a lot of things going to work on, but when you break them down and look at the issues while she was medicated, they were there then as well. Her grades and effort in school was poor before, and still is. We are addressing that with tutoring and an after-school homework program. Her baby-talk has pretty much gone away since she went off the meds. Which is a plus! I don't think it's related but it HAS happened. Now she has adopted snotty back-talking teenager talk. She doesn't cuss. She does the eye rolling and "Whatever!" and anytime you talk to her it's like you are bothering her. She likes to stomp off and slam doors. She talks constantly. She has a "boyfriend" she says. This has brought up good and bad affects with her. She is starting to have friends at school. But her "happiness" is tied to this boy. She "loves" him and he loves her and they are going to be together forever!!!!! she says.
We have been working on her self-esteem. Even before the boyfriend. The boyfriend has artificially helped her esteem but it's also made her snotty. Snotty isn't the right word.. the B word is more proper. But I'm trying to be nice! I've been struggling with this new Penelope as I'm not sure how to approach her. I try some of my old methods and she tells me I'm treating her like a little kid. In the heat of the moment I struggle at coming up with an approach because my brain is pre-occupied with pictures of my hands around her throat! I stammer and have to take a break and try to think rationally to come up with a solution. By then I have to go find her and then speak. During what I have to say she constantly interrupts and says things like "I don't want to talk about it." "Go away! Leave me alone!" Okay, I'm venting now. I was saying... we have been working on her self-esteem. Shortly after the holidays, right after the end of 2nd quarter in school, Penelope went into a rut. She pretty much was giving up on herself. She stopped doing homework, stopped helping me at all, and just seemed super depressed. She have good happy moments, but only when she was being entertained and stimulated by someone else. If I talk about the cats and how funny they are, she perks up, but before that and not too long after, she was bored and depressed. She couldn't do anything. She can't do her homework, pick up her room, do anything you asked. You would talk to her about it and she start back on thoughts she had a few years ago. "I'm too stupid.." or "I'm not worthy of it." and that was it for me. So her AT suggested that she start doing affirmations. I had tried to get her to do that in a mirror but that was too difficult for her. So her AT suggested just saying it outloud - to herself. And that every night at bedtime we will go through her successes for the day. This helped a lot I believe. We had a hard time finding successes in the beginning but we started small. She made it to school on time, she brushed her hair, she helped me carry groceries in from the car. Then we built up to other things like she took a bath, she was nice to Grandma, she did a little bit of homework. But then when I started pushing on the homework and chores - she regressed and started being late to school again and bathtime is a pain. Chores is her line. Homework is up there but chores of any kind she acts like I'm a slave driver. Actually, she told me that last weekend when I told her that were were going to clean together that day. She told me that I was a slave driver and that I am always making her clean. To be completely honest and transparent on this subject - I haven't asked her to clean in weeks, focusing on the small stuff. So to a point I blame myself for allowing her to get out of this habit. It's just so HARD to get her to do it that sometimes I just skip her and do it myself to just get it done. The other problem is, I needed to get the place clean so that I could move on with my to-do list so I pushed. And pushed.. and she pushed back. I tried different techniques that have worked in the past - to no avail. Then I resorted to the traditional guilt method which of course didn't work either, only pissed her off. I even mentioned Soup Kitchen and that just set her off. I was so done and emotionally spent that I barely got anything done. And by that night she was talking about killing herself. Not because she hates herself or feels no way out, but so that everyone would feel bad for her and realize they should stop pushing her! Geesh.
Well, I took that nugget of news to therapy last week. She felt that was Penelope trying to manipulate me. I knew that. But what do I do with this kid? I mean, I'm trying to build up her self-esteem and praise her on the littlest things but then how do I get her to start contributing and doing what she needs to do? And her attitude! Oh my! She feels Penelope is being lazy and she may need to go on Soup Kitchen. I agree. Maybe I should have just pulled the trigger on that one. I told the AT how I've been trying to take the approach of Penelope needing to be part of the family and what family do for each other. And how I won't do something for her until she starts treating me like family. She liked that and said that she would talk to Penelope about being part of the family and if she refuses, she will be the bad guy and prescribe Soup Kitchen. Well, the appointment ended up getting cut short because of an overbooking of appointments so we will see. I may grow strength this week and just do it myself.
But even with all that, I still think she is improving. Oh, and to explain the lack of meds issue.. I just worry about her overall health. I also feel like they are a crutch for her and masking things she needs to work on now rather than later. I'm not against putting her back on something if necessary but I think we need to make sure she needs it. She is a different creature than she was before.
So, that's Penelope. The things that have been going on for me, that inevitably impact Penelope, is that I'm trying to start my own business. I spent hours creating a very cool website and ordered business cards. I would love to share it with you because I'm pretty proud of myself but then there goes that whole anonymity thing. I'll just say it's small business consulting. A woman I met at the cemetery is helping me start this business. She does contract bookkeeping services for several businesses. She is looking to retire and is planning on rolling her clients over to me. I have an accounting background but also want to market my HR related services as well. I became certified in the accounting software she uses .Anyway, I don't have any clients yet. I have been going over her house and practicing on the software by processing one of her clients for her. It helps me by learning and it helps her by doing it for her. She had major surgery recently and only has use of one hand so I helped her. Besides her clients, she is trying to help me find other clients via contacts she has. Her clients are only part time work. I need to get started soon because I need to start drawing income.
My house is STILL in my name. My house is part of that whole foreclosure freeze. The difference is - THEY CAN HAVE IT. We have moved but I still have to pay for heat there and it's expensive there. I keep the thermostat at 50 but it's still over $150/mo. I also STILL have some boxes there. I didn't really truely know how much stuff I had until this move. Most of what's left is just storage stuff. Stuff I can't let go of, memorabilia from high school and college time. But it's been hard to get the stuff driving Mr. Daisy (aka George) to all his doctor's appointments. Plus he always wants to run errands every time I take him to his appointments. It kills my day. But I do it for my parents - to help them out. It was starting to consume my days so my parents started trying to help me out but George is so good at pissing everyone off that I have tried taking it back over completely. My Dad has heart problems and my Mom takes it out on everyone when she gets bent out of shape. He pisses me off too but I give it back. So do they but I'm younger I guess? I probably put up with more than they do. I just do as is needed and that's it. I think it helps that I don't love him as my as our parents do. I'm sure I love him a little - he is my brother. But I wouldn't do have the stuff they do for him.
Last Tuesday was an interesting day in that I had a heart to heart with both my twin brother B and George. B was still not talking to me or at least made no effort to talk to me since the whole thing went down regarding giving his son a cold shower for pooping his pants. My mom was done with the cold war going on and intervened and scheduled me over B's house for Tuesday morning to hash it out face to face. We had an okay talk about the whole thing but I think it's still a little unresolved. He feels that I don't think he is a good Dad and don't trust him. I told him that was not the case. He said that it wasn't what I sent him in the video. They didn't give him a cold shower, but that they gave him a shower with his clothes on and because he doesn't like warm water they kept turning it down until it was cool. He didn't even tell me this until an hour into the conversation. He didn't want to tell me. Why? Because I should just trust him. That is why is was mad at me. I had asked him who recommended it to him and he told me that the person (he wouldn't tell me) had recommended it his wife to give him a shower in his clothes - that her son had the same problem at the same age and that fixed it. They don't like it. Well, this is different than what he had told me on the phone. I told him that. I said "Why didn't you correct me when I told you about the video?" He said "I didn't feel that I needed to explain myself." Really? I told him "It wasn't about explaining yourself, it was about clarifying what you said." I told him I do trust him but when someone says "I gave my son a cold shower" I'm going to base my thinking off that. He said "If you had told me that, you wouldn't have wanted me to say something to you, would you?" I said "YES. If I did something over the line I would want someone to say something. It's hard being a parent and I get that. I know that it can make people snap. We just have to be strong enough not to snap. I thought you were kidding at first and when you didn't say you were, I really became worried. Because you would be one of the last people I would think to intentionally hurt one of your children. But you didn't and I still don't understand why you didn't correct me." He said "I should have to." That is where we are not quite there. I don't get it. Anyway, it was a hard conversation. I told him that part of my need to say something has to do with Penelope and what happened to her. Here we are as her family and we didn't stop it. I mean we did eventually but not when she was little. When she first went into hospital, they wanted a social history on her and things that my parents said, I didn't know about. Things that I thought "How did we know that and not do anything??" It was hard to think that we could have done something sooner. When you live with a child who has been through so much pain and shows it to you every day, it changes you. Penelope had recently asked me, during a time she was mad at me and wanted her Dad, than realize the reality of it.. "Why didn't you save me sooner?"
So after that heart felt emotional time with B, I had to go pick up George to take him to his aquatic therapy. He got on me for being early because I should have known that he didn't need to be there extra early to change into swim trunks this time because he told me it was an assessment. I didn't know! Ever since he got his new girlfriend, he likes to put women down - including her. He calls her butterfly because he thinks she is flighty. So lately when I don't know something he has to tell me I don't know, or if I do, he has to prove he knows more. Whatever. I'm secure enough in myself to know I'm smarter than him. Period.
Anyway, he gets in the car and wants to know immediately what I think of his new girlfriend - who I've met once. I said "Um.. she's nice.... It's not her fault. haha." He said "It's not her fault? That she likes me?" I said "Yes, like you are just that magnetizing." He didn't get it so I dropped it. He said "Well, she likes you a lot." Ok.... He said "She wants the two of you to become friends, hang out or just talk on the phone - become friends." I said "That's not going to happen." He said "Why not?" I said "It's not her, she seems nice. It's about you and me. We don't get along. We "get along" as brother and sister but fundamentally we don't get along." That's as nice as I could say it. He got it. He said "So... because you hate my guts.. ha ha.. you can't be friends because you don't want her to have to get in the middle of it." I said "Pretty much. I don't know what you have told her about Penelope.." He said "I've told her. She knows she can't see Penelope because it will upset her that maybe you are being replaced or something." I said "True.. for now, but it's about you George. I'm talking about you. I don't want to be in a position where I'm suppose to bite my tongue or clarify things when she says lies and half-truths that you have told her about why you can't see Penelope. I don't want to put her in the position of having to learn it from me either. Her and I can't be friends." He didn't respond but he didn't like it. I said "And you can tell her whatever you want to tell her, but I don't recommended going about it the way you did with Marlene - having her think that Mom and I hated her or something." He claimed to never had said that. See Marlene was his first girlfriend after his second wife. Penelope and George were living with me. George was separated and was secretly still trying to reconcile but ran into an old girlfriend from jr. high. She had a daughter the same age as Penelope. Penelope was a freaking mess - having been beaten and screamed at on a regular basis and then kicked out and blamed for the separation by the step-mother. She didn't need to be around a new woman. George disagreed. George and Marlene's first date was Halloween and George ended up leaving Penelope overnight at Marlene's mother's house while no one could get a hold of either George are Marlene to see what happened to them. I had gotten a call that next morning from Penelope saying "Daddy forgot me" and not knowing where she was.. because she didn't know the people that were babysitting her. I was at my parents that night so I didn't know they never came home. I digress. BAD MEMORIES. When my Mom and I enforced that Penelope can't be around Marlene, Marlene broke up with George because he was a wimp letting his mother and sister do that. He never told her about the abuse. He didn't feel it was related. So I told George "Brittany (Marlene's daughter) doesn't want to be friends with Penelope because of what you did to her Mom." He didn't understand that saying that he had seen her recently and they were on good terms. I said "But Brittany was there and say her Mom upset. She isn't stupid." George than said "It is the general opinion people have, except for you." I said "What, letting a child around a new girlfriend?" He said "No, I mean that Mom and Dad try to control me." I said "Oh really? Did you forget to tell them that Mom and Dad have had to bail you out left and right your entire life, financially, legally? That you go to them for advice and ask permission, which you typically don't follow anyway which ends you in these financial and legal pitfalls that you need being saved from??" "He said "I don't tell anyone anything." I said "Oh, so they just figured it out on there own. When is the last time one of your friends have been around Mom or Dad? Never, so the only way they could have gotten that information is if you said it." He said "They think they are controlling because I live in their house." An investment house they wanted to sell... I said "And where would you be living if you weren't living in that house?" He thought about it and said "Probably some crappy one bedroom apartment." I said "Exactly. Poooooor Baaaaby." He lived with me before he moved into that house. I was ready to go jump off a bridge I was so miserable with him living there.. Constantly yelling at me, constantly threatening to take Penelope back to his ex-wife's who abused her, constantly yelling at Penelope, trying to put a wedge between her and I - and I still didn't know if (not that I know for sure now) he was sexually abusing her or not. My parents were gracious enough to offer for him to live in this 3 bedroom newly remodeled house at cost. At cost was before remodeling. Poor Baby. Okay.. now I'm venting again.
There are good things. My mom and I are getting along better than ever. My dad and I are getting along better than ever. And I see a light at the end of the tunnel with this new business.

Broken Family Christmas

I definitely know it could be worse. My goal was to just get through it and come out the other side with minimal damage. I should probably discuss with Penelope how she felt about how it went but I don't expect honesty. I think she has been muddling through the holidays herself by masking the problems in a layer of tinsel and powered sugar. Very much avoidance and denial. I do think she is turning the bend and starting down that road of teenager-dom that I've been rushing therapy and healing in for. That point where the effect of my efforts start to deminish and for the most part, I just try to keep up and hold on.

Not that there is still isn't a lot of baby-ish stuff going on. Baby-talk was very present during winter break, understandably. She feels safer in that state. She also wanted a Norman Rockwell Christmas. We got the tree up and the decorations out and Penelope wanted to invite the neighbors for a tree trimming party. Penelope and Grandma bought cookie tins and made a ton of sugar cookies to give to our new neighbors (who never recieved them.) She kept talking about wanting a Barbie Doll for Christmas and if she didn't get a Barbie Doll for Christmas, her Christmas would be ruined. (She didn't get a Barbie Doll for Christmas.) Every night before Christmas, she'd lay under the tree with her presents surrounding her. She even asked if she could sleep there one night. (No.)

We did end up going to Church during the week of Christmas. Our church doesn't have service on Christmas - too many members to accommodate. But they have a special show a couple times a day during the week of Christmas that was very educational and entertaining. We were invited by Penelope's 4th grade teacher/tutor/friend. I couldn't get Penelope to go to church before this but I'm hoping to work off of this visit to get her to start going back. I've posted about it before, but Penelope gets very anxious at Church to the point she has a hard time breathing. It's because she feels like she shouldn't be there - like she doesn't deserve to be there because of all the bad things she has done. After the show, the audience is invited to participate in their annual Krispy Kreme Community Outreach thing where you pick up a box of doughnuts in the lobby on the way out and deliver them to a place of business where people are working. Penelope saw the opportunity to pick up a box of doughnuts for herself. I could tell that was what she was doing. So could the lady who was handing her the box. She looked at me for assurance that we were going to give it away. I said "It's okay. She can take one." The lady gave Penelope a box and we headed out the door to catch up with Laurie. I figured this would be a good lesson for Penelope. A lesson in listening. And a lesson in giving. I said "You know you can't keep those doughnuts. You have to give them away. That's what they are for." She said "I can't? Well... then I'll give them to Grandma (who is back at the house and wouldn't want them and ultimately give them back to Penelope.)" I said "Ohhh no. You have to give them to people who are at their jobs right now." I told Laurie that Penelope picked up a box. She knew right away what was going on. Penelope said "But I don't want to do that. You take it." Laurie chimed in, "Nope, you took them, you have to give them away..... So where should we go?...." making her want not an option. Laurie and I started to discussing places to go while Penelope started to get nervous and whine a little in the back seat. We decided to go to the Fire/Police Station that is on the way to Laurie's house. We drove around looking for a door for Penelope to go in or knock on. We booted her out of the car to knock on a door. A man in a uniform came to the door. Penelope's body language was priceless. She wouldn't make eye contact and handed him the box of doughnuts. She said "These are from Church." There was a note from the church stuck to the top explaining what we were doing. He was very nice and thanked her gratiously. She ran to the car. We waved to him and left. I asked Penelope how she felt. She said "Freaked out!" Odd answer. I said "In a good way or a bad way?" She said "A good way." She admitted it made her feel good. But then a few minutes later she said "I want doughnuts." Of course.

Our actual Christmas was nothing like how we usually celebrate it. Though it is typical to have to work around my twin brother's schedule because his wife's family is huge and there is at least 2 if not 3 events on that side. We would always have to fight for either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day to see him and his family. There have been arguements and hurt feelings about that. We still had to work around that. Not Penelope and I necessarily, but my parents. My twin brother was having our side of the family's Christmas on Christmas Day. At his house. Penelope isn't invited of course. Understandably. Everyone else is. We celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve with my parents. Because they were going to be having the big dinner at my brother's we opted for an early dinner of sandwiches, chips and salad. Then we opened presents, well... Penelope opened presents. I had asked my parents to get Penelope a Wii for Christmas and not get me anything - since they are expensive. She needs to have things that other kids she goes to school has, as well as something she'd like that isn't a "toy." They agreed. My mom did get me a scarf for my winter coat. Penelope loved her gifts and fortuntely didn't complain about not getting a Barbie Doll. She did comment saying it was okay because she is sure Santa would bring her one. Yes, she is still claiming to believe in Santa. Yes, she is 13 1/2 years old.

Around 7pm after the presents were opened, my parents had to leave to go to a party at my Dad's best friend's house that he goes to every year. Penelope and I were invited. My mom really wanted us to go but I just didn't feel like having Penelope around all those different kids would be safe and it's not like they have told anyone what she did. To hide it from the adults, I couldn't keep Penelope from playing with the kids. Just not a good situation. It wasn't an option. So we hung out and played Wii the rest of the night. My parents did come back and stay the night with us.

The next day was Christmas and Penelope recieved earrings from Santa. She was disappointed but didn't really say anything. My parents left late morning to go to my twin brother's house. I sent the presents I bought for my niece and nephew. It was hard not getting to see them open them. I heard they loved them. It was hard not getting to see my twin brother as well. I texted him later that night but he didn't respond until the next day. Penelope and I spent the day playing games and hanging out. I made her favorite food for dinner - chili. We just enjoyed a nice day just her and I. My mom got back to the house late and I went to bed. That was a hard night.
Penelope seemed to take things in stride. I don't know if she knows who all was at her Uncle's house. It was everyone including George and my Aunt who came to Thanksgiving. Everyone except us. For me, the hard part is that George got to be there. I have a hard time with that.

Getting Settled

Finally! Internet. I just dropped Penelope off at school this Monday morning and am going to sit here and write before I tackle my day. We've been here for almost 3 weeks now. My mom hasn't moved in yet but only because we don't have the internet situation completely finalized. They came to install it and realized that this pseudo senior citizens home doesn't have any cable ready outlets and we will need to get permission from the HOA to access the attic to run wires and things like that. We have internet but it's a box in my dining room with another box that has a big cable that lays across the floor and runs into the living room so that we have digital cable TV. Got to have TV.
Oh, and we have a phone line - required for the TV or the internet or something, for some reason. But we don't have any phones. This is for good reason. Penelope would be calling everyone and anyone she had a phone number to at all hours of the morning or night when she felt the need. She would leave distressful phone messages that are alarming, if she didn't reach them. She would talk about how totally lonely and scared she was. Or how mean someone was to her - usually to the point the listener would question whether it was abusive or not. I'm not making this up. She's done this before, as recent as this summer at my parent's house. We were getting concerned phone calls. We had to remove the phones from the house in an effort to prevent undue stress on our friends.
I think the new-ness is starting to wear off for her. The first two weeks went very well and she seemed happy about things. Acting rather normal actually. Then this past Monday we were FINALLY having the closing. It was to be in the condo at 5pm. Penelope, with my approval, had asked the neighbor if she could walk her dog, who happens to also be named Penelope. It was a cute rambunctious small white dog. It didn't occur to me, for some stupid reason, to set parameters to this walk. I assumed, for some stupid reason, that Penelope would know that she shouldn't go far and shouldn't take too long. After an hour, the neighbor knocked on the door wondering if they were back. She had already walked around the building looking for them but didn't see them. I too was wondering what was taking so long but I wasn't as concerned just because I knew they were safe, just Penelope pushing the boundaries. But she has this woman's dog and she doesn't know us from anyone other than her new neighbors. I told her I'd go look for them. She said, politely, that she wasn't worried about my Penelope but concerned her Penelope had run off or something because she is so rambunctious. Penelope can handle this little dog. I wasn't concerned it was this, but I didn't want to go into the "Yeah I know I let her take your dog but NOW I'm going to tell you about the girl who has your dog." I figured she'd be back any minute. I had to gather the garbage bags to take to the garbage and on the way out I would get in the car and drive around. I called my parents, who were on there way for the closing, and told them the situation and to pick her up if they pass her. Shortly later, while I was walking to my car to go find the Penelopes, my Mom called from the Middle School where they found her with the dog. It was only about a half mile away but further than they needed to have gone. I didn't want to have this be the start of our relationship with our new neighbor, who also happens to be the Power of Attorney for the seller for the closing. I told my Mom "I don't want the neighbor to know about this. How are we going to explain this?" She then said "It seems it's out of our hands, she is up here too and is talking to Penelope and your Dad." Great! She said that the woman put her dog in the car and it seems Penelope is riding with her also. I just went back up to our condo to wait. Penelope and the neighbor and the dog came up to our floor and the dog seemed fine and so did the lady and Penelope. I don't know if she was being polite but the lady seemed fine. I tried to act like it wasn't a big deal - maybe it wasn't? I said "I bet your Penelope will sleep well tonight after such a long walk." The woman said "She probably loved it after me keeping her cooped up all the time in our condo." She said that Penelope can walk her dog any time. I'm thinking "Really??" Well, we will see about that. I do take responsibility for it because I should have set parameters for Penelope, where to walk her and for how long. It's easy to fall into that trap of treating a 13 year old like a 13 year old when they have recently started to act like a 13 year old. I had a lapse in judgment.
The next day was a busy day for us. Penelope didn't have school and my twin brother was planning on meeting our Dad over here to move up the rest of the heavy items from the garage. I wasn't here to see it because I had to attend a Parent/Teacher conference and then right after that go and meet with the woman who is going to help me start my own contract business.
The Parent/Teacher conference went well. It is an invite only based on if a teacher wanted to have a conference with you or not. Alllllll of Penelope's teachers wanted a conference. Even the school nurse was there. But they were all so warm about Penelope and just want to help her succeed. It was great to hear there openness. I thanked them for that. My experience with her 5th grade teachers really puts in perspective when we have a great group of teachers. Her 6th and 7th grade teachers have been awesome. Her 5th grade math teacher was awesome too - I just had to put that in there. Anyway, Penelope's biggest problem in school is probably socially. She doesn't like to do her school work and her grades reflect it, but it's all about her self-esteem which is greatly impacted by her social problems. We really didn't get into it, but it's what I've put together based on my conversation with them and with Penelope afterward.
Her Science/Social Studies teacher brought up the fact that he has a hard time getting Penelope to do her work. He said "It's not like she is mean about it. She doesn't even say 'No.' She will say "Okay" but then still do something else. Or she will say "It's okay the way it is." This is a common thing this year. She will have a project that has a short list of requirements to meet within the project and she will either not include all the requirements or do it in a completely different way and when her teacher says "It's great but it's not quite finished as you need to..." She will say "It looks finished to me" or "I'm done with it" and that's the end of it. Another thing she does is she refuses help. This is usually a means to avoid the work as she lies about how much of it is done or how she has done it. She had a paper due today in Social Studies that had a completely different version about a week ago. The class had all this research time and time in class to work on it. Her teacher kept offering to help her with it. Penelope kept declining saying that she had it almost done and she was excited about it and it was great etc. The teacher wanted to see it. Penelope didn't want to show it to her. The teacher insisted. The project was suppose to be a historical fiction story about ancient China. Penelope wanted to write about a Chinese princess she created. She copied and pasted 3 Chinese princess short stories that had nothing to do with eachother from the internet. The reason she chose 3 stories is because that's how much she needed in order to get enough to meet the number of pages requirement. I saw it at this Parent/Teacher conference. I don't even think Penelope read them or reviewed it to try to transition from one story to the next. Obvious plagiarism. Her teacher asked her "Did you write this?" Penelope said "Oh yes." Her teacher told her she knows of one of the stories because it's in their literature textbook. Penelope dropped her head down, obviously busted. The teacher talked to her about what decisions Penelope should have made that would have made her life a ton easier. With that, they began her project over again. With less than a week to go.
Another issue in school is that Penelope didn't want to work with anyone when she was paired up. Not that she wanted to work alone, it's just that she always had a problem with whomever she was partnered with. Lastly, she always turned her classwork and projects in late. What she turned in was good work, but she wouldn't get full credit because it was late. And that's if she turned it in at all. Her Science/Social Studies teacher said "Is this part of Penelope's ... thing?" Which made me laugh "Thing" being disorder. Then he said "Do you have any insight or suggestions on how to best help her?" I love that question from a teacher. I'm just the ignorant parent but not in this room. I said "The issue I'm hearing is related to her emotional immaturity, which yes, is part of who Penelope is right now. She still views things in absolutes. I can see her not want to work with certain kids because she sees their flaws. They either did something negative to her or she perceives something about them negatively. She doesn't appreciate that everyone has good AND bad qualities and that being different can bring something new to the table. For example, she knows that smoking is bad so she views people who smoke as being bad people. Not a good person with a bad habit. Also, she says every year that her goal is to get straight As. Which is great on one hand, but for Penelope, if she isn't going to get an A, she just isn't going to do it. Which then when she gets overwhelmed or feels like it's too hard, she very easily just gives up. And then of course, there is a part of her that just avoids hard work and wants to take the easiest route for things." All her teacher's found this insightful. I'm not sure how they are going to use this information to help her but they seemed to have a new perspective on how to address her. We briefly talk about other things, like Penelope's limp and whether it was gone. It was, once she learned that she wouldn't be allowed to play with her friend at her Grandparents if she was still limping - as she will be resting it until it's healed. We talked about her tardies and that I was hoping it was getting better but it it seems to be getting worse again. We identified part of it is that Penelope doesn't want to be around the other kids waiting to be let in to the school. I think this was a big insight to her tardies. Her language arts teacher pointed out that the library opens up early each morning and that she could go there. I don't think she will be late again.
Very good meeting. After that, I headed up to Joanne's house, the woman who is going to be helping me with my business. In all I will be helping her too. It's taken a few weeks to get this meeting set up. She has been very ill. She was starting to get sick when I worked with her at the Cemetery. She is only 66 years old but she talks about it like she is ancient. But I'm sure she feels ancient with all her ailments. She has a elbow that she had broken and had surgery on but it didn't heal right. So they plan to take bone from her hip to repair her elbow. But they can't do that surgery until they figure out why she was filling up with fluids. They had her on a steroid. Well, you can't have surgery while on a steroid. Then she told me they had her on some kind of breathing treatment that damaged her esophagus. That was part of the delay. She had come down with laryngitis and I couldn't understand her at all on the phone. And she was sick. She sounded better two weeks later but still hard to understand on the phone. She said that she that they determined she has permanent damage and her voice may not get much better. I hope so, my gosh. It's much easier to understand her person but most, if not all, her work is over the phone so her ability to communicate is greatly hampered. Plus, her speech seems labored and painful. I wouldn't want to talk much if I were her. She said she also has progressive heart disease. She's already had a heart attach a few years ago. She said "I'm not dying, but I'm not well either." No kidding. So for her, I am the person who is going to be her backup to help her with her clients while she undergoes more treatment. I'm perfectly fine with that. It will be my way to learn and start my business while helping the person who is giving me this opportunity. Eventually she said that she will want to turn over her accounts to me when she retires. She doesn't have that many as she is already partially retired. But then she also has talked to a CPA about hiring me as well as her daughter who is VP at a firm that using contractors for project work for clients. I mean how great is all this! Not her health but all that she has already done for me! I spent about 3 hours with her as she taught me how to use the software she uses for her work. I picked it up very quickly. She kept commenting on how quickly it was and that she already can tell that this will be good for both of us. She had me do the work for one of her clients that she gets paid $150 for. She jokingly said "You don't expect to get that $150, do you?" I said "Of course not!" But we talked about, even at my pace right now, learning it and doing it, that's already $50/hour. Once I've learned it, I will be able to get it done in an hour. Sweet!
After we were done for the day, I was gathering my things and she asked "Can I ask you why you have your niece?" She knew only that I had my niece and she became ill at which time I quit my job and then got that (crappy) cemetery job because it was the first job offered to me. But she picked up that I was in the wrong place and needed help finding my way - as she put it. I said that I don't mind at all, as I always want to share our story because I think it's good for people to know what happens to these children that is so preventable. I explained our history including the times Penelope tried to kill herself as well as how she has abused her cousins, but also about her treatment and the amount of healing and potential she has for growth and even more healing. Joanne told me that it's not something she talks about, and doesn't want to talk about it now. That maybe someday in the future we can sit down and she will be ready to talk about it, but she didn't use to only have two children. She had another son but when he was 17 years old, he killed himself. She said there was something about me that pulled her to me and now she knows what it is. That even though she couldn't save her son, that she could help me and Penelope. It took everything in me to hold back my tears as it is right now just writing about it. I gave her a big hug and just thanked her. I could barely walk out the door. If there was ever a moment of doubt in God, and I've had them in my life, this is proof to me of his plan for us. Everything we do in life has reason and a purpose. The reason I was to have that cemetery job, as miserable as I was, was in order to meet Joann.
I left her house feeling very good about life in general. I phoned both my parents and told them how great both the Parent/Teacher Conference and the meeting with Joann went. I left out the ending of my visit with Joann as that's between her and I (and us anonymously). My task is to get certified for the software she was showing me and figure out how to get Unemployment to pay for it. Unfortunately, unemployment won't pay for it. The certification is free, with membership to their Professional Advisor Program. The membership is $500. Ugh. But I digress.
The next day was EMDR Therapy and it went well. She did positive reinforcement with Penelope. She said what she wants to do is every other session would strictly be positive stuff as she has learned that sticking to the trauma every week for kids Penelope's age tends to get an avoidance reaction. I can see that. It's painful. She said that the reaction Penelope had at the previous EMDR, which I guess I hadn't posted on here yet, was normal for EMDR. The goal is to take her to the edge but not to let her go over. Penelope was working on the event of her rape when she was about 6 or 7 years old. She became very scared than immediately defensive/aggressive with the therapist. Angry with her for making her think about it. Penelope had done EMDR on other negative events in her life but nothing of this magnitude. I wasn't expecting Penelope to act that way but understood and just let the therapist lead. It was hard not to get upset myself knowing and witnessing how hard this was for her.
Her therapist told me that she plans on working on trauma with Penelope's parents next week. I'm excited by this because I think it is so important for Penelope to process this trauma in order to be reunited with them and continue to heal. She asked if I had a problem with it being the week of Thanksgiving. I told her that I am concerned being that Penelope has trouble with holidays overall but I also know she has been doing much better this season than before. But overall, it's been my big concern, how to get Penelope through the holidays. So I have mixed feelings.
Thursday she had Attachment Therapy and neurofeedback. The nuerofeedback again went really well, a new all time low again. In AT we just talked about how hard we see her working and how we are all here to help her - to reinforce the message from her teachers and the healing she gets from the hard work she does. At the end of therapy she started to complain of feeling really sick to her stomach. Her face had a flushed look on it and she felt nauseous. We ended it and the AT gave us a small garbage bag, just in case. I sent Penelope to the car to lie down while I paid for the session. When I went to the car I caught Penelope in the beginning of the vomiting. Found a dumpster, dumped the bag and somehow drove the hour drive without her yacking in the car. She had passed out.
I kept her home on Friday. She felt a ton better but was depressed. Depressed all weekend actually. Not sure if she was really sick or what happened. Can neurofeedback do that to you? I know I can get headache nauseous at the drop of a hat and neurofeedback would do that to me I would think. Anyway, all weekend she reverted back to babyish talk. She was stressing out. It's that paper that is due today. We had already talked about us working on it together. Still stressed her out. It stressed her out to the point that she wanted to quit school - or at least this school and she hated the fact that we moved. She has no friends "I'm the nerd at school, Mommy." She claimed that she wasn't stressing about Thanksgiving, interesting enough.
One thing is the house went to hell in a handbag this weekend. She was very VERY needy all weekend so little got done. Plan is to have the place ship shape by the time she gets home. Hopefully a clean organized house equals a clean organized mind. I know it's calming to me. And if Mother is happy, children are happy - right? I need to get her back on track so she continues to have good days.

Crazy Lying

Crazy Lying is what Penelope's Attachment Therapist calls it. The whole thing with inviting kids over for a "Save the Earth" Party, the lying about being allowed to have her friend stay the night at Grandma's - it's her testing her boundaries. Not in a malicious way but to see if they are there. "To know what is real and not real." In a child who has been in such hell and chaos, they don't know which way is up or down, what experiences are real or not real - especially if they have flashbacks. They will test their boundaries. I think of it as if someone who gets lightheaded knowing their ability to know what is level reaches out their hands to steady themselves against a wall that they know is level.
I was talking to the AT about how this whole thing about lying to Grandma was concerning to me, not in what the lie was about, but the fact that she knew she was going to be busted. That there was no way she could get away with this lie. When is she going to start WANTING to make the right decisions? She said it has nothing to do with that. Penelope does want to make the right decisions, but she is testing her boundaries to make sure they are still there and that testing reassures her that she is safe.
She said it's like a 2 year old who goes to reach for something he is not allowed to touch, stops to turn to towards his parents to make sure they are watching, so then when he touches it the parents can say "No No No." The 2 year old in Penelope is satisfied but the adolescent in her is pissed because she was told "No."
Another example is we had a bad storm roll through the other day around lunch time. The storm sirens went off twice because the storm was moving fast and had the markers for a possible tornado. Penelope freaked out at school and wanted to come home. She did end up calling me at home and I was watching the news on the TV in the basement at the time and told her so. I told her that the sirens are going off as a precaution because of how fast the storm is moving. But it's not even in the area yet and just follow the directions of the teachers and she will be safe. She was good with that. When she got home she was telling me how scared she was. She even wrote a Will. I didn't believe her and said "Really? Let me see." She whipped it out of her book bag and gave it to me. There is was, short and sweet. She loves her family and wants to be buried with all her things. Geesh. She went downstairs to watch TV for a little bit and came up and told me that there is another really bad storm coming, worse than before! On the news it's this big red spot coming right at us. I said "Huh, they didn't mention that earlier. I'll have to look it up." I was on my computer. Not one minute later she asks if she can go across the street to play. I said "Not if there is a big storm coming. Oh no. You need to stay here." She then says "Okay.. I admit it. I lied. There isn't a storm coming. Now can I go next door?" "No honey. You just lied to me. I can't possibly let you go next door after lying to me." She said "Okay okay. I actually didn't lie. I'm not really sure if there is a storm coming or not. It kinda looks like there is on the map on the news but then I don't know. So can I go?" I am baffled by where this conversation has led so quickly. I said "Now Penelope.. You are just saying what you think I need to hear in order to get what you want. First there is this storm coming, than you say that you lied but then when that didn't work, you didn't lie and now you are not sure. How would you take that information?" She said "I'm not a meteorologist, I don't know how to read those maps!" I said "Neither am I, so I guess you need to stay home just to be safe." That made her mad "But I didn't lie!" I didn't engage in this and just told her that I think she needs to calm herself down. She said "Shut up! Get away from me!" I said "Now don't say something you will feel bad about later." I've learned that this usually works to help keep her from escalating too much because she does feel shame after she calms down for being mean. Especially when it escalates into the extreme then there is a lot of shame and I'm just nicely reminding her of that. I continued on with what I was doing (working on sewing her constume) and she ended up going into her room, slamming the door of course, and playing her DS for about 10 minutes. She came out and said "I'm okay now." I said "Awesome."
She found a coping skill and regulated herself. I didn't need to intervene too much. Practice makes perfect right?
The other "lie" that has happened this week is that there is a boy that has been antagonistic towards her for most of the year. Some of the things she has told my Mom and I have him sound like a boy with a crush who can't handle it. Well, last week she came home and said that this boy kissed her and was so grossed out by it. Then earlier this week she said he did it again! She would tell him to stop pushing him away and kicking him. Then the next day she said he did it again but this time he shoved her against the wall and kissed her. I wasn't sure to believe this or not because she was saying that no one saw her, that she didn't tell her teachers because no one would believe her and that he would deny it happened and he's really smart and knows where their are no cameras (an issue she ran into with the stealing of the cell phone) etc. Every solution was met with a knock down. I told her that the next time he tried to kiss her, to just scream at the top of her lungs. That it was scare the tar out of him and draw attention to what was going on like an alarm going off. She didn't seem to keen on that idea and said she will just continue to do what she has been doing which is running and hiding from him. At recess she hides in the bushes and she will sit down in the hall against the wall between classes if he's there. She didn't want to go to school the next day. She said he reminds her of the boy that hurt her and what he did. She sounded pretty sincere when talking about this part. I do know she has had a bit of anxiety in the mornings with upset stomachs and somatic symptoms at school.
We talked about it at therapy and it seemed more real there because of how she was feeling, how her anxiety was going up and she sincerely seemed scared of him. We talked about the difference between now and then. That she has people who are here to help her. That she has told me what is going on, and that she is stronger now. She can get through this and be safe.
I had emailed her teacher to tell her all the facts and if she had any input or ideas on how we can help her with whatever it is that is going on. Her teacher called and said that she had a long talk with Penelope and that after a bit of a "this no that, here, no there" kind of conversation trying to pinpoint down where in the school these things happened but when the teacher said "Okay, we can see that on tape," she would change the location or what happened. Her teacher said that she gave her an out and said "Do you think that maybe it didn't actually happen but you are afraid it could happen?" Penelope saw that her teacher wasn't angry with her and took the opportunity and said "Maybe I think it happened but it really didn't..I think I'm afraid it could happen because it has happened before..." I told the teacher that based on what Penelope has told me so far about her abuse, the boy did antagonize her over weeks before he started abusing her. She thinks the boy is using Penelope as a means to elevate himself socially. At this age, some of the kids find a kid that they view beneath him to pick on to feel elevated socially. Nice.. She has given him numerous detentions for his antics with Penelope but she said he's gotten worse and it's been escalated to the Asst. Principal and his parents are being contacted.
I think one of the positives from this experience is that this will help Penelope's relationship with this teacher and grow her trust with her because she handled it so perfectly for her. Also, this could be Penelope's way of being ready to talk about her sexual abuse in trauma therapy. I hope so. I'm ready for her to start addressing it - when she is ready of course.

Telling Penelope

A couple of things went down the past couple of days. First, we had the home inspection (sorta) on the condo. We felt comfortable enough having my twin brother do the inspection because he knows everything there is to know about this kind of stuff, and the exterior/structure is the HOA's responsibility. I decided to meet him, my Dad, who is there to see it for the first time as well as be my brother's helper, and Mom who is the realtor, over at the condo for the inspection. It was a little bit of a circus. My brother immediately went to work checking outlets and inspecting things. I'm trying to show my Dad the place while he's trying to play Mr. Inspector as well. It's just funny because my brother HATES when he helps do any kind of fix-it or home repair work. Or even like those put-it-together pieces of furniture, he messes it up. He says he's like a bull in a china shop. He tends to break things. Anyway, I was showing him the kitchen and he turns the water on and off, looks in the frig, and we end at the stove. It's an antique stove. It's a Frigidaire electric stove with an oven underneath and one above with a glass front door. My Mom, Dad, and I are standing around it and my Dad says "Turn it on. We have to check it out too." As I am closest to the knobs which are to the right of the oven above, I turn on the burners. He says, "Turn the ovens on too. We have to check everything." I turn the knobs halfway. He said, "Let's let them get hot and we will come back." and we left to go check out the bedrooms. A little later I asked, "What's the smell?" My dad says "It's just getting hot." My brother gets around to the kitchen and goes to open the oven below. Smoke billows out. No fire, but the woman who owns the condo stored her wood dishrack in the oven and it's smoken! He shuts the door real quick and turns all the knobs to off. He stands there shaking his head like "Great!" I said "Maybe we can put it in the sink and run it under water." He says "It's going to keep billowing smoke." I said, "We have to get it out. But I'm sure there are is a fire alarm in here. Let's disarm it first." He said "No. I'll just run this outside." So he gets something to grab it, opens the oven, grabs it and runs it outside. I take a dish towel and fan all the smoke to disperse it so it doesn't set off any alarms. My brother comes back all judgemental, "Who decided to turn the oven on before checking it?" My dad said "Who puts a wood drying rack in their oven?" I told him I turned it on but only because Dad told me too. I said "Mom was there too." He just shook his head at us "I can't believe you didn't check the oven." I told him, "It never occurred to me. Mom and Dad never stored things in there oven. I would never do that. You know how bad my memory is. I'd burn something up. I'd only consider storing a pan or something that would go in there anyway." He said "My wife's family stores things in their ovens all the time so I'm used to checking." The place smelled like burnt wood. Like campfire.

Now we had to decide what to do about it. My Mom had been on the phone almost the entire time we were there with the mortgage broker talking about this and that. Mainly about whether or not we were at a safe stage we could tell Penelope. My Mom is fearful to tell her too soon because with the market the way it is, she has seen a lot of deals fall through. But usually it's due to the buyer doing something stupid, like go out and buy a living room set 12 months same as cash, before the closing. My Mom explained how Penelope is and that we can't tell her unless we know it's going to happen. The mortgage lender, probably playing it real safe, suggested not telling her until the loan is "Clear to Close" which doesn't happen until just a couple of days before a closing. Ugh! That can't work. I honestly wanted to tell her the day of the home inspection as it was an opportunity to get into the place and show her around so she didn't just have to take my word for it. But since we decided to go the free way and use my brother, and she can't be around him due to what she's done to him and his family, that wasn't going to happen. Plus it was during the school day.

The wood dish drying rack didn't catch fire but the underside that was touching the oven rack was scared pretty bad. I recommended taking it with us and leaving a note with 10 dollars. She's moving to Mexico and isn't taking any of this stuff with her. She is having an auction house sell it. My Dad wanted to put it back and act like we didn't know it happen. geesh! My brother didn't like either of our ideas but didn't have any suggestions. I said we should ask Mom since she's the realtor. She was still on the phone and had parked herself out on the balcony, next to the table my brother put the burnt dish rack. We motioned to her that we were going downstairs to check out the laundry area and garage. We looked in on the 3 car garage. My spot is in the middle. Then we went over to the laundry area and were trying to figure out which set of washer/dryers belonged to our condo. Each condo had it's own area in the ground level with a large storage closet. My Mom, still on the phone, found her way down to us. She finally got off the phone. We asked her which washe/dryer. We tried to figure it out and we thought we knew but weren't sure. Then I asked "Also, what are we going to do about the burnt rack?" My Mom said "What burnt rack?" Seriously? It was like a comedy skit. Both my brother and Dad were like smacking their foreheads, "Ohh. You were that oblivious on the phone?" "You couldn't smell it? You didn't see the smoke? You were sitting right next to it on the balcony!" My mom is going "What? What?" It was too funny. We asked her to call the sellers agent to find out which washer/dryer was ours. We had already looked at both in that section of the basement and were concerned because the older pair's dryer didn't have a vent hose or water bucket thingy - which needs to be addressed regardless but not by the seller if it's not hers. Anyway, while she is on the phone she tells the agent about the burnt rack. Again my brother and Dad are smacking their foreheads "Noo!" not believing that she just told him. Too funny. But the good thing is, everything looked fine. There are a couple older windows but the rest are new, and there are a couple outlets that need to be replaced but the electricity is fine. Nothing worth mentioning for the purchase.

Friday morning while I'm at work, I get a phone call from the Asst. Principal. Great. Now what did she do. He is calling because it's October 1st, and he was told to get from me a copy of my lease agreement or something as I told them that I had to move by the end of September. I told him that the information I had was incorrect as I didn't understand the process but the house is still mine until at least the 15th so we are still there. I will not be moving until the 15th. I told him I could get a letter from the mortgage company to that effect if he wants but I can't provide a lease agreement. He sounded frustrated and said that it's not up to him if that is acceptable or not, that he was told to get a lease agreement. I said "But we are still living in our house." He said "Are you? That is another question I have to ask. Are you in fact living in your house?" I said "Yes." He said "Because Penelope says the reason she is tardy all the time is because of the long drive in from Indiana." Ugh. I said "We have stayed out there because they help me with her but we are living in our house." He sighed and said "Well, we need something saying you are living here by Monday or we have to release Penelope from school." I said "Okay." I'm sure it doesn't help that the school secretary is our next door neighbor and we never see her. So, I called my Dad. We haven't been able to stay in the house this last week because my Dad broke the front door knob off by using a hammer to lossen it because it was sticking, and he has since lost the back door key. Yesterday, Penelope had to climb through the bathroom window to open the front door from the inside. Anway, we are moving what stuff we have there back this weekend and my parents will just have to come to us and stay with us when needed.

Regarding when to tell Penelope, I emailed her attachment therapist and told her the situation and what the mortgage broker recommended. She agreed with me that it is better to tell her now, that the likelyhood is slim that it's not going to happen so it should be okay. Better to be honest. I agree. I hated not being able to tell her. So I decided to wait until this weekend to do it. I wanted to tell her while showing her where it is. But my parents are going out of town this weekend and I wanted them to be there to support her in this news. So I needed to tell her Friday. I was talking to my Dad while they were at the house and he had gone to the grocery store so he couldn't wait around for me to get off work and it would be a waste of gas for me to drive all the way out to their house to pick Penelope up just to take her back to our neighborhood for 10 minutes. My Dad offered to do it on the way home. We discussed it and I said to go ahead. He didn't think she would take it as badly as I envisioned. I talked to him about 45 minutes later and he said "You were right." She must have bursted into tears and sobbed. She said things like "But I don't want to move!" "I'm not moving!" But she got herself under control. He had put her on the phone and I could tell she'd been crying and she was talking in her baby-voice which is something that hasn't been too regular of a thing lately. She said "Mommy? I don't want to move..." I said "I know sweetie, but we have to. But I think you will love the place." She said "I know. Papaw told me about my big room and my own bathroom." She then she started saying things that gave me the impression she is already starting to accept it. "I can take a bath and not hold up the bathroom so you can take a shower." I said "Yep." But I could hear the fear in her voice.

When I got home, she was sitting on the couch with her teddy bear and baby blanket watching TV. When she saw me she said "Mommy!" and gave me a really tight long hug. She sounded scared. My Mom had printed off a bunch of colored pictures from the listing and I had drawn up a floor plan. I sat next to her and showed her everything. I pointed out the little drawers in her bathroom vanity. She really liked that. She said "I can put everything in those." I agreed. She said she would like the bathroom to be painted pink. She didn't like the violets the woman had painted on the walls in there. So it seems it's okay. That's a good thing.

Hunt for "Home"

I haven't posted in a couple of weeks but I have been on reading and commenting on other blogs. I just couldn't write my own with where my head was. It has been all over the place. My level of stress has come to a breaking point where I have been having some serious highs and lows. Lows and highs, as I'm writing on a high note.

As you know from an earlier post, Penelope has been struggling with letting go of control. I debated putting her back on Soup Kitchen but feel like any behavior modification method like that will continue to last only as long as it's in place, as long as she continues to be with my parents as much as we are in this temporary situation. Even with that I still want to hold her accountable for her actions but it's grown into a constant cycle of - poor decision -> consequence. With my stress level and my own emotional struggles it's been hard to be "Happy Mom =D" and come up with fun things to do and spend quality time with Penelope. I know I need to and I've started doing small things with her like reading a chapter a night from a book she likes. I want to do something with her this weekend that is fun, maybe take her bowling. Anyway, she is constantly testing her boundaries at school and at home but fluctuates from mild to moderate, mostly moderate - but not severe so somewhat manageable for the time being. She follows rules until they are an inconvienence. Then it's "But I wanted to....!" and you tell her something and she says "No it isn't!" Because she knows better than I do on this issue? I'll ask her that too. She will reign herself in with those obvious questions. And she gets irritated easily and it's lots of huffs and "Fine!" and "Yes!" and I'll say "Can you say 'Yes' saracastically now" and she will say "Yes" in a normal tone and I'll just laugh. The lies.. oh my. It's contant and consistant. Especially at school. Her mountain she made out of the lies related to classwork/homework finally came to a head and she had a great deal of making up to do. We've been there before but it's been a while. She had shut down finding anything and everything to do except what she was suppose to, lying about "forgetting" her homework at home while at home she said she "forgot" it at school. The tardys started to add up and she finally got the detention she needed. The Asst. Principal called her in to give it to her and it was suppose to be served on Tuesday - but she told him she had therapy on Tuesday. LIE. He said "Okay then, Thursday." She said "I have therapy then too." That is true. He tells her to have me contact him to find out when she can serve her detention. She doesn't tell me until the next night. I get a call from him the following morning telling me how Penelope has therapy on Tuesday and Thursday and...- believing what she had told him. After he stopped talking I told him the truth.

Her therapy is on Wednesdays and Thursdays and she knows that. He said that detentions are held on Tuesdays and Thursdays and we both agreed this was obvious attempt to get out of detention. But they also have Friday Study which is longer than detention so worse. I said that she can serve it then. He said he'd be talking to her about her lie. Now she claims he never did but I doubt that. Then later that day I received a call from the school nurse because Penelope spotted her shorts from being on her period and needed a change of clothes. My dad had to bring them to her but while he was on his way, I received another call from the nurse stating that Penelope was feeling hot so she took her temperature and she has a 100.9 degree temp and that she will need to be picked up instead. About two hours later I get a call from Penelope at home letting me know that she layed down for a half hour and that Papaw took her temperature and it's normal now. She said "I know what it is. It happens every year around this time. It's allergies. I get since for a couple of hours with a fever and then it goes completely away. It's so wierd! But I feel completely fine now! Can I go play with the neighbor?" Seriously? No. I tell her no and why and she starts crying and getting angry and telling how mean I am and that I never do anything for her. Everything I do is for me. This really upset my Dad who overheard the conversation and got on the phone and told me he'd handle it. My parting words were "Calm her down first before you address the issue." About an hour later I get a call on the house line from Penelope using her baby-talk. She first apologized for yelling at me. Then she went into how Papaw yelled at her and was being mean. Typically I wouldn't allow this type of talk but she also talked about how she was feeling - like everything is her fault (she claims Papaw told her everything is her fault which I don't believe but can see him say something similar with all the stress he's been under with her and I). He even accused her of tricking the nurse into thinking she has a fever. It is strange that she had a fever for a short time with no other symptoms. But overall she felt genuinely hurt by her Papaw. I told her that Papaw loves her very much and is upset with her because he loves her and has seen her make better decisions for herself. I know he is getting beyond his limits. It doesn't help that Penelope had to stay home with Papaw for 24 hours due to this phantom fever. I called the nurse and told her how she was fine and also that she really didn't spot her shorts. We agreed that the best thing to do now is for the nurse to check her. I told her "You have to validate everything she says. Don't take her word for it." We agreed that her temperature must have been from either a hormone fluctuation or her not drinking enough water. It was super hot. Papaw had her due some chore therapy. When I got home the next day she was happily mopping his garage floor.

Unbeknownst to Penelope, I've been trying to find our new home. The deadline to be out of our house was October 1st. I'm surrendering it to the bank so it doesn't foreclose. Originally a month ago I started looking for a one bedroom apartment figuring that I could convert the living room into my room so Penelope had a door with an alarm on it. I found several dumpy looking 4 families in not so great areas of the school district I want to stay in. But I've learned that legally, no one is allowed to rent to us a one bedroom apartment. My parents talked and said they'd help me get a two bedroom! I cried when my mom told me. I am so blessed to have them. We set up showings for this one apartment building. It sounded nice. Large rooms, hardwood floors, tall ceilings. This little old man owns the building and shows up the place. OMG what a dump! My crappy old apartment in college was nicer than this place. It was filthy, the windows were desperately needing to be replaced and the plaster walls needed a lot of work and repair. Most importantly, there was no way Penelope would feel safe there with all her paranoia. And I look at every apartment with the "can she climb out her window" criteria and at this place, the answer is "easily." There were two apartments on the market. One we found out the next day was taken. The other one the woman on the voicemail wouldn't call us back! My mother called and left a couple message along with my couple of messages. NOT Looking good. Very stressed, very depressed, feeling very guilty for not being able to "hack" my career with Penelope's needs. Then there was a duplex that came on the market with two bedrooms. My dad and I went and looked at it. It was great! A few cons but would work great. Had a private basement with own washer/dryer and a room to be Penelope's playroom. Only 1 bathroom but nice galley kitchen. Then found out it was $150 more than we wanted to spend a month. UGH! My area is about 20%+ higher valued due to the schools. My dad tried to negotiate with him with 6 months in advance (whatwhat?) but the man said he'd have to think about it. I fell in love with the place. It was very clean and had new windows so the utilities would be reasonable. The 1st level with the living room, dining room, and kitchen was all hardwood floors. Penelope would feel safe in her room adjacent to mine. A week goes by and nothing. My dad calls to see if the man had made up his mind. Also, the topic of cats. THREE to speak of. Didn't come up when we were there when the money topic came up. The man said I could have my cats! I was sweating this because I really wanted this place. The man had to discuss it with his wife as my Dad offered to pay another 6 months in advance after 6 months. Then a couple of days later the man called and said that his wife didn't want to have cats in the house. So that ended that...

My Mom who is a realtor started looking at condos for sale to see if anyone would do a lease to own or land contract with me. We found this one that was beautiful! The kitchen and bathrooms were so updated and the bedrooms were huge. It was on the second floor and I felt that Penelope would have felt safe there. It was in the same price range as if we were renting a two bedroom, taking into consideration HOA fees. The issue was I needed to be out by October 1st and could they be out by then? It was like 2 weeks away. They had a LOT of stuff. A teenager and new baby in this 2 bedroom condo. Oh yeah, need to know if their HOA allows cats but seriously, why wouldn't it? You own your condo. We find out the HOA doesn't allow ANY pets. Seriously?? So my Mom sets up an appointment with this apartment complex, the only commercial complex in the whole "city" that I live in. It's huge and would work except they will only take 2 of the 3 cats. It's very cold and commerical though. And the kitchen and bathrooms were sooo dated and warn - but would work. Ugh.

We decided to look at one last condo. It's one we have seen but from the pictures and everything, it didn't look like much. If we decided we didn't like it, we were going to go with the apartment and maybe sneak the last cat in, I don't know. The condo turned out to be wonderful! Yes there were things dated about it, plus the woman that lives there painted flowers all over the bathroom walls and her bedroom, but it has so much great potential. It has a room that would be a perfect home office right off a nice size entry with a large "closet" perfect for the cats with it's own window! She keeps her cat's things in there herself. The home office is stated as the dining room so it's not like it's small and it has double doors that lead into it. Perfect for my plan of starting my own consulting business that someone is going to help me do - but that's for a later post. Then there is a living room AND family room. The living room would be the perfect dining room instead with a fireplace and a (dated) wet bar nook. The living room is large with a long balcony with large double doors on it. Penelope would have her own full bath that has a wall between the vanity and tub shower and toilet. The vanity cabinet has all these little drawers in it that she will love with a place to put a vanity stool. Then the Master bedroom is huge! with 2 storage closets and a large walk-in off a vanity area. Then the tub shower and toilet is a seperate room adjacent. The floor plan is high end in my opinion. Things just need updating but that's okay! The thing that totally sold me is that Penelope's room has a full wall of closets with built in shelves for all her things AND the ceiling has a white on white wall paper that is end to end stars.

The room looks small but it's not. It's 14 x 12 feet big. Both her twin beds, her dresser and tall bookshelf, her Papazan chair and night stand will fit fine.

I picture taking her into her room with her eyes closed and making her lay flat on the floor looking up, then having her open her eyes. I think she will love it.


I hope so because it's going to be hard enough.




We asked if she'd be willing to do a lease or land contract. She wasn't interested because she's moving to Mexico. My AWESOME parents said they'd go ahead and buy it. That it would be better than throwing money away in rent and then after a couple of years, I can buy it from them when I repair my credit. My dad joked that he is willing to do anything to get us out of the house. We told the seller's agent we wanted to put an offer in but wanted to get a pre-approval first. When my mom talked to one of her mortgage broker she knows, the issue became that the banks want at least 10% down. That is a lot of money! They were only planning on putting 5% down. Somewhere during that day my mom had talked to my dad and told me that they weren't able to do it. I was so disappointed but understood. They do sooo much for me as it is. When I got home that evening, I was visably disappointed but they knew I understood. My mom said to my dad right in front of me, "They need 10% down, can we do it?" He said "Heck, we have $ in savings, so I guess we can." and walked out to the porch. I stood there stunned looking at my mom. She just made a "There is hope yet!" expression. I started to tear up. I had this overwelming urge to hug my Dad and thank him. I followed him out the porch and came up behind his chair and hugged his neck and started crying thanking him. He started crying too. He tried to lighten the moment by joking that my twin brother will want him to buy his house now. I ignored him and thanked him again. I had to walk to the side to collect myself before I could go back in the house because Penelope was there. I went straight to the bathroom to make sure because she always calls me out when I look like I've been crying. She wants to know what's wrong and gets pretty assertive about it. The next day my mom finds out that the problem now is that they already own a home nearby and it would be considered investment property. Investment property requires a 25% down payment. Now, this amount is impossible. UGH! Another mortgage broker tells her to try to make it so they are moving to this condo and leasing their house to me. So she tries that and it works! But now my parents will be moving with us for the time being, or we are going to have some kind of arrangement. My mom stays with us alot as it is to help out so it's not that big of a stretch. But we found out last night that the contract and it's timeframe has been accepted! Now, just have to figure out when to tell Penelope. My mom wants me to wait until the loan goes through, just because in this market she has seen it happen too often - but usually because the buyers hide something or do something stupid like go buy a car during the process throwing off their income to debt ratio and credit score.

Charges Dismissed

So yesterday was the big court day that was going to let us know what direction we were going with this trial. There were three main options. 1) Penelope found competent and the trail move forward, 2) Penelope found non-competent again and the charges dismissed, or 3) Penelope found non-competent, my brother show up for the proceedings and announce his wishes that Penelope be prosecuted. She was found non-competent and my brother told our Dad that he would not be going to the hearing simply because he doesn't want to be in the same room as Penelope. He never wants to see her again.




Some might think I would be jumping for joy. If you know the story, you would understand why I am not. Yesterday was a very emotional day for me and not a happy one. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad the charges are dismissed. Not because I think she doesn't deserve to be charged, but because the system doesn't work in a way that would punish Penelope in a way that would help her. It's been 9 months since the offense, and we still hadn't even got to the charges yet. Penelope, and the whole family including my brother and his family have been in this monthly cycle of starting to heal and then a monthly hearing comes up and the wound is re-opened. It's going to take a long time for these wounds to heal, if they ever do. Our family is broken. I don't necessarily agree with my brother about where Penelope is mentally. But I do not judge him or think less of him for having the opinion he has.




Yesterday was a day of mourning in my eyes and heart. It was the funeral, the event that marks the demise of our family - as it was. It has been dying for a while now. But there was hope for recovery. George isn't permitted to see Penelope but that is temporary. Once there were a great deal of healing, the family would be reunited - not perfect by any means. What's been done has been done, but healing. We are suppose to forgive George for what he did to Penelope - I struggle with this everyday. Because I struggle with that, I can't think less of how my twin brother stuggles with forgiveness for Penelope. I also am feeling so much sadness for my brother and all his conflicted emotions he is dealing with and how it hurts his heart. Family is so important to him and now his is so damaged. And he carries around so much guilt, so much regret and hate and an overall feeling of being a failure. He failed as a father and a husband. Too much burden to carry. We try to have a good relationship still but it's hard. Penelope needs me so much and with my hours, everybit counts for her. I try to see my niece and nephew but it's so hard. Even with this, we still try. We try to talk at least once a week but what do we talk about? I don't talk to George unless it's necessary. He calls me more than anything and ususally it's to complain about his insurance, workers' comp claim, or wrongful termination suit. I really don't care. My poor parents. They are both so done with Penelope and I. Mostly Penelope. They love her very much but my Mom has never been good with her. She either yells and lectures her or buys her things. She even has resorted to paying her to be good. My father tries and usually does well, but his level of frustration with her is reaching it's limit. Part of it is that he gets mad at my mom for not helping out more with picking her up from school and taking her to appointments. She will flat out say "I don't want to." Then he vents in front of Penelope and yesterday, the day of court for her, he made a comment that was about my mom but also let her know how much of a burden she is. When she is being difficult, he makes comments to me like "This isn't working. We are going to have to find a long term solution for her." I ask him "What's that suppose to mean?" He says "I don't know..." What he means is he is done and is ready to either pack her up for her dad's or find a residential facility. It can get bad but the littler things trigger that reaction for him too now. His tolerance is about gone. I know that he is looking forward us to move out. Trust me, I am too. I don't want to be such a burden on them. But I also need my parents, especially my dad - for the long haul and this is too in their face for them. I'm losing them too.

Starting Over or Bust

I know the last post I wrote that I was going to write more often. Isn't in the cards it seems. Maybe now that I've moved into the office, where the computer is, I will - but doubt it.

The last couple of weeks, Penelope has continued to spiral. But now were are back on complete and total attachment issues. Not that any of her behavior can be linked to any particular carved out issue. All of it affects everything.


My mother had to go into the hospital for a massive kidney stone to have it surgically removed. Penelope's behavior started to really decline once they scheduled the procedure and had her admitted. We were trying to keep Penelope away from the hospital but being that my mom needed my dad and I have a job, that was really impossible. I took off quite a bit in order to let my dad help my mom. But my Wednesday, when my mom should have been released, my dad decided that Penelope is just going to have to deal with being in a hospital and seeing Grandma there.


In addition to this, Penelope had her 1st, and it seems last, one on one restoration class for the courts. She had her silky AND her bunny with her. This was Wednesday morning. I had received several hangups from my mom while I was in a work meeting and I couldn't get a hold of her when I tried her back. I called my Dad to find out why she had called. He didn't know but said that they had just walked out of the building from her class. I asked how it went. He handed the phone to her. She sounded awful! Not like she was a mess in tears or anything but so completely not of reality. She was very regressed, her words and tone were very detached. I asked how it went and she said it was okay... "But that mean man asked me bad questions." I said "What kind of questions?" She said "He asked questions about what I did to my cousins. And you know what I told him? I told him 'I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell anyone or ever talk about it ever again!' I don't like him at all." Even with what she was saying, she lacked feeling, pain, a relationship with the words. It was if she was reading them from a story. It was really upsetting to hear her that way. It made me mad that they asked those questions. I thought "Isn't these classes suppose to be about teaching her about the trial process? Why would they ask these kinds of questions??" I told Penelope I had to go, which I did - I was at work. But I called back a few minutes later and asked my dad "Did they HAVE to ask those kinds of questions? This is ridiculous!" He said he didn't know but that the person told him that Penelope didn't need to come back for any one-on-one classes and he was going to be contact the Probation Officer. So I think, or at least hoping, that what she had to endure has to do with testing to see how she would do on the stand at her trial. Not so good. So, they have determined they don't need to do any more classes and have determined her not competent.


But because both my Dad and I were getting missed calls from my mom in the hospital, he took Penelope straight to the hospital with him to see what was going on. It ended up being that she woke up that day and was told she wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything because she was having a procedure. The problem was, no one had told her about it. She is doped up on morphine and percocet and didn't know up from down and was kinda freaking out. By the time they got there, she was already having the procedure and whatever they did hurt like crazy.


This is honestly the last place Penelope needs to be on this day but my Mom needed my Dad and my Dad needed me to be at work. She was there for about 5 hours before they headed to meet me for therapy. She was in full force for therapy. All over the place, not present, hard to get her to focus, and acting very young. My dad took her home and I went to the hospital to take care of my Mom.


Thursday, they both again spent probably around 5 hours at the hospital. I had to meet my Dad to give him some insurance paperwork for the attachment therapists, on their way that direction. Penelope seemed still very detached. I didn't hear of anything reported back from therapy. My Dad just isn't into talking out the details with them, or with me so I'm sure it was uneventful. I had to go spend the afternoon evening with my mom since they left and we couldn't get ahold of George to try to spend the time with Mom. He did eventually show up, around 7:30. Oh was he annoying! But that's another story.


Then Friday.. another day where they were at the hospital far too long. They were probably there at least 7 hours. Even though I missed probably 10-15 hours of work this week, my Dad had Penelope at the hospital way too much. It was not good for her at all, and he knew it but didn't want me to miss any more work. When I got to the hospital after work Friday, I found Penelope laying in the hospital bed with her Grandma watching TV. Grandma was laying with her back to her and half sleeping half not. She was a bit of pain. They kept testing her drainage tube to see if it was ready to come out and each time it wasn't and it was painful. She claimed it felt good to have Penelope in bed because she warmed her back. However, I could tell both my parents were at their wits end with her. My Dad said when Mom's dinner came we would head down to the cafeteria. The nurse came in to work on a tube that was surgerically placed in her back to her kidney and Penelope said "But I'm comfortable. I'm not moving." Huh! I made her get up but by the time she started moving, my Mom had rolled over so the nurse could access it. I made Penelope get up and clean up all her stuff that she had layed out from her all day visit because we would be leaving soon. Shortly my Mom's dinner and we left. Penelope made a point to walk at least 10 yards in front of us. I asked my Dad if she had been acting like this all day? He said "Pretty much." I made her stop and walk with us. She did for a little bit then took off again. It was like a race. On elevators, she pushed her way through not being patient or curtious to other passengers. I asked her where her manners went and she just ignored me. She got to the cafeteria first and loaded her tray with food and a big slice of cake and even a Mt. D#w and she knows that is off limits and cake has to be requested. My Dad ended up buying her what she wanted. We get to the table and she is just so intense! She starts shoveling her food, making a scene really. She had tomato soup all over her face and on her shirt. My dad told her nicely to use her table manners. She said with anger "I am..." I said "No Penelope, I don't see you using her table manners and I know you know how. I've seen you do it wonderfully." She just looked at me out of the corner of her eye "Hmph! I am!" "Now Penelope, I disagree. You didn't even ask if you could have the piece of cake and I just can't see you being allowed to eat it the way you are not following instructions." She then looked at me with daggers and moved the cake to the other side of her away from me. I said, "You must start using your manners or we will have to leave. I'd hate to leave all this food here, but if that's what you want, I understand." She grunted at me again but continued to make a mess of herself. So I got up and went to the other side of her and pushed the piece of cake to my Dad and started to say "Hopefully you can start using your manners so you can...(get your cake back) but before I could she punched me. My dad said "Penelope! That is not acceptable. You will apologize to your Mom now!" Penelope said, with no sincereity and sething through her teeth. "I'm.. sorry..." I said "No your not, and Papaw, that's okay. No point in making her say she is sorry when she isn't. It's time to leave." She said "NO! NO! NO!!!!!" Talk about a scene. I picked up her bag and held my hand out like "this way.." I asked my Dad if he could take care of all our food and he said he would. Boy was Penelope pissed at me.

I was fearful she was going to take off in the hospital. If we were in a section she was familiar with, she probably would have. She insisted on walking a few feet behind and on the other side of the hall all the way to the parking garage. She kept telling me I was a jerk and she hated me. She wished I was dead. I'd just say all non-challant "I know sweety. I can see you are pretty angry right now." She then tell me to "Shut up." We finally got to the parking garage and she jumped up ahead of me and was walking down the main drive. A car started to come and I said to watch out. She said "I don't care! Let them hit me!" She got in the car and she started to yell at me telling me she can't believe I took her food away from her. That's exactly what her step mother did and I am just like her. The devil. I'm fat and ugly and a horrible person. Just like her. I told her she should think about what she is saying because she always feels guilty and horrible later when she calms down. She yelled "Shut up!" at me a couple of times. I told her the second time " I don't have to shut up." She said "Then I'm not going to listen." I said "Then don't but I'm still going to talk." I didn't say much but I couldn't let her tell me to Shut up for crying out loud. I told her where I thought this was coming from. Seeing Grandma in the hospital all week and just being in the hospital was hard, made her scared that something bad was going to happen and she needs to be the boss. I could tell I touched on it but she wouldn't let me be right and said it wasn't it at all. She told me on the way home that she wished I'd jump out of the car, on the expressway. I told her that I wasn't going to do that. She said "Then I'll push you out!" She then punched me again! I told her that punching was unacceptable. She said "I'll punch you if I want to!" I said "It's against the law, Penelope. It's called assault. Do you want to go to jail? Because with the charges against you know, and then assault, well, you would definitly end up in jail somewhere. I know you are miserable now, but that would be like 10 times worse and I'd hate to see you go through that." She didn't say anything for a while after that. Prior to this, she was saying how she wanted to go home. She means our house that we are losing next month. She doesn't know that yet. Ugh. But then she said "I want to live with my Daddy!" I told her "Daddy isn't going to take you sweetie." She said "Yes he will! I emailed him today. (On the hospital email.)" I told her that he knows it is best that she is with me. She didn't like it but knows it too.


Eventually she calmed down, after I explained that she could have food when we got home. But she was still angry with me. She took on a passive aggressive approach, but I acted like it was all the same to me. We discussed consequences, needing to help with chores. I offered to let her pick. I said "What about cleaning the kitchen, since it's something I always do. That way I can have a break. You've done it before so you know how to do it." She reluctantly agreed. She agreed to do it in the morning before they went to pick up Grandma from the hospital once she is discharged. But the next day when I got home, it wasn't done.


I didn't make a big deal about it, but offered to help letting her know that I needed to make dinner and the kitchen needs to be done before that. As soon as she stepped into the kitchen she was struck by extreme pain in her head. I sent her to lay down with the TV off etc. Boredom kicked in quickly and by the time dinner was ready she was ready to eat. I asked how her head was feeling. Not wanting to have to eat in bed, she said "Much better." I said "Great, we can clean the kitchen up after dinner!" Yeah, that didn't go over well. After dinner, she started to help but got so upset and angry, needed to calm down. But there wasn't anything that would calm her down. Strong sitting just pissed her off. I asked her "What do you think will calm you down?" She said "Drawing." I told her to get her drawing things then because I want her to feel better.


She drew some pretty intense pictures. She drew a picture of her Papaw's grave. She was mad at him because he snapped at her seeing through her procrastination techniques. She also drew a picture of a female hanging with Xs over the eyes. I asked who it was suppose to be. She wouldn't answer for a bit so I don't know if I should believe her when she finally told me it was Harriet, her birth mother. Then lastly, and something she didn't want to show me and ended up ripping up before she gave it to me, but she allowed me to piece back together. It was her "Death List" #1. Harriet #2 Rick (Harriet's husband) #3 Debra (Her ex-step mom). Then below that it said "Almost on my Death List" #1. (but by my name, not "Mom") #2 Papaw #3 George (her Dad). She didn't want to show it to me because she said I'd take her to the hospital but she did. It did make me consider if that was something we should do but we didn't.


After that, she was still pissed. I talked to her about how she is trying to be the boss and asked her to say her montra she learned in therapy "I'm not the boss, that's okay. Mommy will take care of me." Not having the affect it used to have. She said it with no problem but then said "But I can take care of myself!" She was really really testing my patience. I try sooooo hard to be the cool collected, "Can-handle-anything Mom" that I'm suppose to be for her, but my armor is so dented.. I asked her "How would you take care of yourself? Who would make you breakfast? (She always ALWAYS wants someone to make her breakfast.) She said "I can make it!" "Lunch?" "That too!" "AND Dinner?" "Yep!" "And with what?" She said "Food!" I asked her "How would you get the food?" "With money!" "Where would the money come from" " A job!" "Doing what?" "Fashion. I'll do something in fashion!" Okay... "But you are too young to have a job. It's illegal." Now, she is dead serious when she says the rest of this, but think about it. "Ugh! Then I'll go to China! I'm old enough to work in China." "How would you get there?" "By boat." "How would you get a ticket to get on the boat?" "UGH! Quit asking me questions!" I then started to think... but didn't think it through all the way and said "Okay, how about this. This week, why don't you be in charge of yourself. You will cook your own meals. And you don't have to buy your own food. But if you want to watch TV, you have to earn it because it uses electricity. You are only entitled to the electricity for the A/C and lights. Oh, and an adult still has to administer your meds..." She said "I thought you said I'd get to be in charge of myself." I said "There are still certain things you need us to do." And then I thought, she will need to go to bed on time for her meds to work best... this isn't going to work. She had gotten up and walked towards her playroom. She asked "Would I be allowed to play games on my computer?" I said "You'd have to earn the electricity to use it.." She said "If I can't use my computer, well then... to heck with you!" and slammed the door. I went over to the door and opened it, not wanting to leave it like that, and said "Still need some time to calm down huh?" "Yes!" "When you are done, please pick up your papers and markers." "NO!"


Of course this stupid idea of mine can't work. There is a reason she needs to not be in charge. She wouldn't survive! I went upstairs and sat in the chair next to my Dad's desk and started to cry. He said "Ready to pack her up and give her back to her Dad?" I said "The thought has crossed my mind.." He honestly would have by now and really was considering it. I told him "Okay, then what? He can't do it. It would still come back on you and Mom." He disagreed. I said "She would end up dead, pregnant, in jail, or all of the above. " He agreed. I said "So we have one of two options. Because this behavior and her extreme feelings of wanting us all dead is going to continue and get worse. #1 Take her to the hospital or #2 Do four things. #1 - Move me out of that room and put me in here (in the office) along with the cats and put alarms on her window and all three bedrooms. Her's on the outside and ours on the inside. #2 - Soup Kitchen. #3 Truely lock up all the knives and scissors. Not what we've been doing just putting them up because it's 'too inconvienent' to lock them up. #4Lock up her toys - items she doesn't use for coping and she will have to earn them back. The goal is to help her feel safe again - have the structure and safety methods in place we had before so she can let go of being the boss and feel better about making the right decisions. Also, to protect us escpecially with Soup Kitchen and her toys locked up going into place. This is what has to happen. I don't see any other way."


He didn't like the idea of me being in his office. We talked about if and where a bed would fit. We'd have to move his credenza. He really didn't want to do that. I was somewhat baffled. So I asked him "What do you suggest we do then?" He said, "I have no idea. This is all way over my head." We talked about taking her to the hospital. I said that I wasn't sure that they'd take her. He said "With her drawings you don't think they'd take her?" I said "They might take her but then what? They would just teach her coping skills she already knows. Make sure it's safe to release her.. then we will have a kid who's been in the hospital back right before school. The only real advantage to taking her to the hospital is having a break from her." That would be nice but is it worth it? He asked "How many days do you think they would keep her?" I said "Well, her first visit was 7 days and her 2nd was 10. I think this time it would be less than 7 days, maybe 3 to 5 days." He thought about that and dismissed the idea. I understand the need to get a break from her, believe me I do. Penelope is a hard child to be around sometimes. And my Dad has been around her more than anyone lately. It wears you down. So I wasn't going to tell him it's not an option. But I think when there are other options, let's try them first. If they don't work, then I'll drive.


Back to the other idea now, we started to discuss when we were going to do this. One of the problems is that my Mom had just released from the hospital with a tube sticking out of her back that was in her kidney, in a bit of pain and taking heavy duty pain killers. She needed help with everything. My dad had a golf event for Monday all day into the evening. My Monday work days go from 9am to at least 8pm. Penelope couldn't stay home with my Mom by herself anyway. Penelope needed to not just run the place without any structure, like she's been doing because that's a huge part of the problem. Plus I needed to implement our plan of action. My Dad was going to try to find a replacement for himself for the golf event so he can stay home and I go to work. I asked him "But then how are we going to get this all in place? I need you to take Penelope out of here for a while so I can get everything set up without her trying to hide stuff or stop me. I have to work late tomorrow night." He said "Then Tuesday after you get home?" I said "I won't get home until after 6pm at the earliest. We would only have a couple of hours. I can't get it done then. And we can't wait until the weekend. The whole point is to get this in place before she has another flipout. Get her back on track." He still didn't like it. I asked him "What are you going to do with Penelope if you stay home with her?" He said defeatedly, "Probably the same as I've done all week. Nothing." So I thought we understood we were both going to stay home on Monday and get this done. Not so much...

Monday morning, we both get up. He is still trying to find a replacement for himself. I said "Should I go get the stuff while you are still here in case you have to go to your golf thing?" "Yeah, go do that. I should be able to get out of it." I had to go get big boxes that take padlocks, padlocks, and door/window alarms. When I was out, I found out he was able to find a replacement, and he wanted me to go on ahead to work. What? So I talked to him and told him I thought we were both staying home to get this done. He said "Then why could I have played golf?" Seriously? I told him I needed him to take Penelope for a few hours to the park or something. He said he had a few errands to run, he'd do that.

Okay. So I finished my shopping and hurried home. To wait. I began just cleaning areas in general, to prepare for when they leave. Each hour ticked by. It was obvious also that my Dad was pouting. Boo hoo, sorry you had to sacrifice your golf outing. I'm moving into your office for crying out loud! He knew she had her 1st tutor session for the fall at 5:30 - 6:30, 30 minutes away. At 4:45 they leave. At 6:38 he calls "We are on our way home." Really?? FINE! All I had done was most of setting up her room which was alot. I had to move every piece of furniture, set up alarms, move a bed out and set it up in the office, go through all the drawers and things again to ensure nothing sharp - alllll by myself. Didn't have time to go through the closet. Didn't get to collect her toys or anything of major importance. I was still working on the rooms when they arrived. I found out that the reason he didn't do anything with Penelope like he said he would, was because he was mad at her and didn't want to be around her. Mad at her for ruining your golf event or drawing your grave? Don't know, but she's done a lot worse to be mad about. So you pick this and to be so mad you can't even take her out of the house? No wonder he was so upset, missing an all day event for 2 hours and 15 minutes of being away from the home. Well, if I had known he was going to pout and fight me on it, I'd just say go to your stupid game!

So we didn't actually do the toys until Wedensday when I had time and he was less mad at her. But back to Monday. She was excited about having her own large room with her own desk and dresser and radio and big bed with a feather topper (while I'm on her twin in the office with only the personal space within the 4 corners of the bed) and alarms on the windows and doors. I kept telling her it's all about helping her feel safe and there are more changes to come, some will like and some she won't. Trying to prepare her for the hammer to drop. And I think she knew it. She was acting overly sweet. She had heard that she is back on Soup Kitchen and wasn't happy about it but was accepting. Even the next day she was acting like "no big deal." She said "I can get used to this." I said "That's wonderful!" but thinking "Yeah right!"But I told her there was more to come.

I had also talked to my Dad about what needed to happen during the day with Penelope. To help her get started on earning her way back out of this mess. I said she needs to do her 30 minutes of reading she has been refusing to do, AND she needs chores. Both of these will help her feel better about herself by having that sense of accomplishment and she will be making better decisions and not being the boss. He understood.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and my Dad hadn't had time to work with her. They ran out of time he said, to do these things. Knowing that we needed to get the rest of it done ie. toys, I asked him to take her for a couple of hours so I can get her toys boxed up by going through her playroom. He agreed to. Boy oh boy that girl hoards! That room was aweful and I found items that were not toys or garbage and she should have had in there. She had the sword looking thing that is used to sharpen knives. She had a very expensive cardigan of my mothers, her uncle's Parents' Wedding Book that is totally off limits, and a picture of her uncle and aunt (parents of the cousins she sexually abused) that she had broken the stand off of and was using the picture frame a a try for poker chips.

I put these things aside so I could use them as reasons for the toy situation. She was NOT happy about the toys but didn't do what she did on Friday. She did take it as me being mean but her big thing is that I touched her things and gone through everything in the playroom. How dare I! This was her hot button. When I showed her the items she felt she had very valid reasons why she took them even though they weren't hers. "I was playing!" "I didn't know it belonged to you!" "I would have asked but you were sleeping so I just took it!" Then when I told her that she couldn't play with the plastic poker chips anymore, since I found them all over the floor, she said "But they are mine!" I said "No they are not, they are mine." I did the rational approach of "Did you get them as a gift? No? Did you buy them? No? Then they are not yours." She said "I claimed them." CLAIMED them. That spoke volumes. I asked her what would happen to me if I went into a store, saw something I liked and just went over and said "I claim this" and walk off with it? She just rolled her eyes and grumped. She was upset, but handling it okay enough. I believe it's all in the deliver, which is why it was so important for her not to be there, but also I spoke very loving and no big deal, to her. I gave her her pills and put her to bed with reading her a chapter from a book I started on the night before.

Thursday I only saw her for about an hour but I did get some reading in. I did get to talk to my Dad again about working with her. He said nothing happened and probably wouldn't happen on Friday because he had things to do. So when I was with her, I told her that she needed to read for 30 minutes and to ask Papaw to give her a 30 minute chore to do. This was to help her start working her way out of Soup Kitchen. I was putting it on her since my Dad didn't have time to help her. The next day I told him about it and told him "Don't ask about the chore, let her come to you. She knows."

He did tell me that therapy went okay. Her brainwaves for her neurofeedback were off the charts again. She talked about the fact that she is suppose to email Harriet is really upsetting her. They told her she doesn't have to and not to feel obligated. "How many times has she made a promise to you and didn't keep it? You don't have to worry about keeping this promise. Especially to someone who didn't keep promises to you. Don't worry about it." She also said that she doesn't know how she is ever going to get out of Soup Kitchen when I keep taking things away from her. She first said it one on one with her one AT but when that AT made her repeat herself in front of the rest of them, her tone changed and it went from a tattling message to one of concern.

Well, Friday she did do her reading but she didn't ask about a chore. My Dad said he even asked her after she had asked for lunch and after reading "Is there anything else you want to do today?" and she said "Nope, just play." He said he asked a couple of times. Nothing. So when I got home, she was in her room and wouldn't come down to greet me. About 30 minutes later she calls for me. Not "Mom" but "Mommy!" She is feeling sick to her stomach and feverish she says. Then she goes into how absolutely hungry she is! She hasn't eaten but one bowl of soup allll day. I told her not to starve herself. She can have as much soup as she wants. She said she just can't eat it anymore and she is starving and wants Spaghetti for dinner! And she started the big allegator tears with forced frown like a little kid. I told her that I know it's hard, but it's her choice not to eat her soup. She knows how to get off of Soup Kitchen. She said "I've been really good! I've been working hard at trying to be part of the family!" I said "I know you are working harder than you were but did you do your chore? Did you ask Papaw for a chore?" She said "I can do it right now if you want?" I said "Oh no, the point was you were suppose to ask Papaw but you chose not to. It's about being the boss sweetie. You decided you didn't want to do your chore." She said "But I don't want to be the boss anymore! I swear! 'I'm not the boss, that's okay. Mommy will take care of me.' See? I told the ATs that I'd say that. They want me to say it every time I see you. I don't want to be the boss! I want to be taken care of!" and cried. I told her that I would let her go so she can calm down. She didn't want me to leave. She wanted to start earning. I said "Picking up your our room for starters would be great." She said "Then can I eat regular food??" I said "Oh no, it's going to take more than that." I know this is hard for her, but I can't cave too soon because it will just come back. She is getting there.

We will see how tomorrow will go. I knew she would need to fail that chore test to see the value of doing it on her own.

I will write more later about school and court. School starts on the 24th, and court is scheduled for the 25th. Fun! :(