Steps toward forgiveness

Shortly after Thanksgiving, where once again our family has split celebrations because Penelope isn’t welcomed at my brother’s family’s house, my brother told our Mom not to buy him or his wife Christmas presents. B was trying to be considerate to the fact that money continues to be tight for them as they continue to help Penelope and I as well as deal with commission based work they do in this hard economy. B is always attempting to be considerate, and out of context, it seems like a very considerate thing to do.  But that wasn’t how it was taken.
Our family used to be big on giving presents to everyone in the family including eachother’s pets. We all like to give gifts.  As adult children, I think that we get more out of giving presents than receiving them. But for Mom, this is her language of love. You’ve heard of the 5 languages of love, right? Well, Mom perceives gifts as proof of love. So when someone stops buying gifts or says “don’t buy me a gift,” it’s a form of rejection. Between the economy going into a recession where everyone in our family’s income went down substantially, and holidays being emotionally charged time of the year for Penelope causing some major events, we have purposefully downsized Birthdays and holiday gatherings. Add on this from three years ago and lets just say our family has struggled to stay close which has caused resentment. My Mom grew up in a family that fell apart. She has one living sibling and hasn’t spoken to her in about 20 years. Her other sister, I never met and died when I was school aged.  She fears that’s going to happen to my brothers and I.
She knows that I don’t like George, Penelope’s Dad. And even though no one has ever thought it possible since we are twins, B and I are growing apart as well. We make a point to call each other once every few weeks, unless there is a reason to call sooner. I haven’t seen him or his family since the end of September. The problem is I can’t bring Penelope. I won’t just leave her home to go over there but if she is doing something that gives me a few hours, I will go. It’s just that it’s rare that it works out that way.
So, the context of, family growing apart, can’t have regular family gatherings anyway which just widens tat rift, perceived rejection of love, and this growing resentment, B telling Mom not to buy gifts and save their money right after Thanksgiving where we all couldn’t be together was setting off a bomb. She went off. I wasn’t there but I understand it was bad. Really bad. See, my Mom has turned into the Mother-In-Law she has never wanted to become. Her Mother-In-Law was hateful towards her. Has raised her hand to hit her. Has “disposed” of her dog while they were on vacation. Treated her like a servant. Mom talks about B’s wife Cathy like she is a bad mother and uncaring wife. She feels that B is controlled by Cathy and blames her for any opinion that B has that she doesn’t like. This includes keeping the families apart for holidays. Their kids are happy and well adjusted. They have never shown symptoms of trauma. They asked about her a lot, to a point that I was afraid her parents wouldn’t allow me around anymore because every time I saw my niece and nephew, they would interrogate me about her. They missed her a great deal. They were concerned for her because my brother and his wife told them that she had to go away until she learned how to play properly and was living in a special place (long term residential). I found out part of the reason they would interrogate me is because when they asked their parents, they wouldn’t answer and change the subject.
I’m not trying to justify my Mom’s feelings. But, I don’t like the way my brother and his wife handled it with their kids. If they were showing signs of trauma, It would make perfect sense as they would want their children to feel safe. But all their questions and behaviors have pointed in a different direction and the way they are handling it is confusing and throwing up flags for these kids instead of making it go away which is what their parents want. Their agreed upon tactic is "It never happened, Penelope doesn't exist." My Mom and I agree this is not the best way to handle this.
We are entitled to our opinions. But we are not entitled to hold grudges when all they are trying to do is protect their kids. And to make Cathy out to be this heartless person based on this is totally unfair. My Mom has also been punishing my brother in very passive aggressive ways, to the detriment of everyone involved. She hates Cathy, always finds reasons to not go over their house with the main reason “Cathy hates me and I feel unwelcomed.” When B complains that she never sees her grandchildren, she will say. “I see Penelope. Your kids don’t need me. I have to focus on Penelope’s needs.”  Yes, Penelope does need her but not to the extent this portrays. It’s an excuse, and a jab. And it doesn’t help the argument that Penelope has healed a great deal and is much more regulated. It makes Penelope sound like she is still very sick and requires a great deal of care.  A person one wouldn’t want around their children.
Well, it all hit the fan. It all came out. She went there. She blamed B for breaking up the family. (The father of two small children who carries a heavy burden of guilt for being the caretaker at the time of the assault.) And if that’s how he wants it, that’s fine. She won’t be buying them presents – no worries.  Whatever was said, B took it as she was done with him and was writing him off like she did her siblings and said as much. He was really upset. He never gets upset. He talked to his wife afterward, he wasn’t home but working when all this went down. Cathy was concerned and texted me to call him and talk him down. I happened to be on the phone with my Mom who seemed fine, a little sad but had a resolved tone to her voice. But she didn’t bring up the argument right away. When she did, she didn’t want to go into details (because she was wrong maybe?) but just said she was going to drink wine with dinner.. because she needed a drink. I didn’t pry. I called B right after I finished with Mom. He didn’t answer. So I called Cathy. She filled me in on what she knew but it sounded like B didn’t tell her everything, probably trying to spare her from the attack against her I’m sure my Mom made.
Cathy and I ended up having a very good conversation. A healing one. I found out she had resentment on the way our family handled it. She felt like we were only out to protect Penelope but who was going to protect her kids or stand up for them?  Like we didn’t care about them. How could we side with Penelope and defend what she did? I told her that I hate she has been feeling like this for this long because her assumptions are wrong on this. I told her that the day the charges were dropped, I mourned. It felt like a funeral. I wanted Penelope to be held accountable for what she did to her kids. I love them very much. I didn't know what to do with this child. I was so angry with her. So much I really didn't know if I loved her anymore. Even though I knew she was sick. I contemplated handing her back to her father but I felt like it was a death sentence. Whatever chance at life would be gone. So there was a part of me holding out hope. A part that was relieved. I also didn’t trust the system to handle it properly. When your child goes into the legal system, you have no control or say on anything. Their life is in the judicial systems’ hands. Similar to handing over a child to a surgeon. You can’t protect them from any mistakes. You are helpless. You have no power over decisions made. And they did nothing to help us. I’d already learned how completely incompetent the mental health system is. And CPS referred me to a service agency that we ended up firing because they made things worse! We never defended her. It never got to that point. We didn’t even have the case file. The only defense we gave was to her attorney and it was that Penelope was sick. No child that isn’t damaged would ever do this. By this point in my explanation I was crying. So was Cathy. She said she always felt so bad for me to have to “put up” with all this. She said that in the beginning, she was so angry with Penelope. But after some real thought she really blamed George. She has forgiven Penelope. She forgave her a long time ago. She just has to protect her children. She is glad Penelope is doing so much better now. And it’s not like she never wants the kids to ever see each other again. She is just so scared that if her son would see Penelope, it could trigger something in him and hurt him. That is what she fears and she has to protect them. I totally get it. I don’t think it would happen but what do I know? But all I can say is WOW. She forgave Penelope. She forgave her.
Later that evening while I was making dinner in the kitchen, Penelope walked in. I told Penelope that I had been on the phone with her Aunt Cathy. I told her that we talk about her. That her Aunt Cathy has forgiven her…Penelope stood there stunned. Looking down. Shocked.. She said “Oh… wow…okay..” Then she walked off into the living room. I could tell she was just standing there.. Then she went past the kitchen headed towards her room and shut the door behind her. I gave her a moment then went in. She was sitting on her bed holding her head in her hands crying. She was embarrassed and wanted me to go away at first. I told her it was okay. She sobbed. She said “I can’t believe she forgives me. I never thought she’d ever forgive me… I don’t know if I deserve it.”  I hugged her and told her I understand. Just the fact that she is upset by this news shows how far she has come. But that someday I hope she forgives herself. Her cousins are happy and healthy kids. I think it was important for her to hear. She took it well, had the appropriate reaction, and didn't flake out afterwards.
That was about 2 ½ weeks ago. This week is exam week. Today was the last day and she had only 1 exam today. Last night, Penelope tells me that earlier in the day while she was waiting in the café before school (late start due to exam week), she was thinking about Harriet. She was thinking about how if Aunt Cathy can forgive her for what she did to her cousins, then she should be able to forgive Harriet for what she did. She shouldn’t hold a grudge against her. She doesn’t want to hold a grudge against her.  "How does that help anything.." She did bad things to her that were very hurtful but she should forgive her. At this point I am shocked and impressed by what she is saying. Excited really…but then..
She says how “People can change. People deserve second chances, right? I start talking about the difference between forgiving and forgetting… but Penelope interrupts to tell me “I want to see her.” Really?? She says “I want to tell her that I forgive her. I also want to tell her how I feel about what she has done. I want her to know how she has hurt me. But that I forgive her. I want her to know that you are my Mom now and that I call you Mom. I just went to get it all out there.."
She said  "After break is over.." I said "Not while you are in school. You will need time to recoup from the breakdown you WILL have." We both laughed. We know how she is. She said "How about Christmas? She can come for Christmas." I said "Oh no. Too much pressure on that day. It's too soon anyway." I’m thinking “Woah… we need to back this up a bit.” I said “Wow Penelope. I am impressed with where you are going with this. It’s a lot to think about. You’ve obviously put a bit of thought into it. I’m excited for you. I do have some concerns with some of what you said that we will need to talk about but right now I need to think about it. I need to make dinner. And you need to study. So, let’s table this. You’ve passed it over to me. Let me think about it, but you don’t think about it. Focus on your test and we will talk about it tomorrow.”
Tomorrow is today. I’m going to see how the conversation goes, but I don’t hear her being ready to see Harriet. But it’s a great first step. She has to be prepared for seeing Harriet in possibly worse appearance then before. Nothings changed about her. She has to know that Harriet no-showing, being late, needing to leave early can still happen. She has to not be still looking for proof of love which is something she constantly looked for growing up. Every little thing was a test, rightfully so. I can’t protect her 100% I know. But I’m not going to let any reunification efforts affect her and her struggles to do well. We will have to do baby-steps. Phone calls first. I still see anger there. To want to have that kind of conversation seemed a bit confrontational. It doesn’t help that a little over a week ago when we were deciding what to get George for Christmas, when I asked “Do you want to get Harriet anything?” her response was, “I don’t know….. Like what, a pack of cigarettes???” One of the things she hates is Harriet’s smoking. I said “All rightly then. I take that as a no. I was just asking.”

I didn’t get to post this the day I wrote it. It’s been a few days since I started this post. We still haven’t had the conversation. Not fully. I’ve learned she bombed one of her exams, and has an F in another one of her classes. Her anxiety level and moodiness had been off the charts ever since she said something, even after her last final was over. That evening, I tried to bring it up since her exams were over and she said she wasn’t in the mood to talk about it, and just bringing it up and making her think about it dropped her mood. That whole Saturday she was still hyper-moody.  She spent the evening with her best friend, who was suppose to go on vacation with us this upcoming weekend, but decided at some point she didn’t want to go. “I don’t want to do anything on Winter Break. I want to veg in front of the TV.” My parents, Penelope and I are going to a state park about an hour away for a long weekend. We rented a cabin. We had room for one more. Oh well. We will still have fun. But I was concerned for their friendship with this new news. After dropping her friend at home that night and driving back I told Penelope, “I know you don’t want to talk about and I’m not going to talk about it right now, but I want you to know that I’ve decided you are not going to see Harriet right now. I don’t want you worrying about that. I see how anxious you’ve been the past couple of days. You are not ready yet. But I think what you said and what you’ve been thinking about is a huge towards healing your heart. We will be taking baby steps though, so emotionally it’s not such a roller coaster, okay? We will start with phone calls.” She said “That sounds good.” Her anxiety was noticeably better that evening and into the Christmas holidays. Her focus was on her family, helping me get the house ready for Christmas morning, helping Grandma by wrapping Papaw’s presents she dropped off. Grandma had hand surgery. 

I'll post later about Christmas. It went well, even considering how George was. Which I'll share. Penelope did well, but still needs to improve her confidence to draw boundaries with her Dad. At least she knows where the boundaries are. She's getting there. George is the same as always though. But we hold little hope for change there.

Update - Visits with George

I’m sorry I haven’t been blogging for a while. I should more often. I have been busy but I do have the time. Sometimes I think I need to step away. My blog, though therapeutic in a lot of ways, also is a reminder to how hard our journey has been, and sometimes I just want to live in the now – because it seems more normal. I want to imagine that is how it’s always been. Live in that fantasy for a little bit, while it lasts.


How have we been? Better.. always better in different ways. I do really think Penelope has made huge strides when it comes to the bond between us. I’m so thankful for it. I treasure the times when she embraces it and we can really be mother and daughter. It gives me strength to work on me for a change. The problem with that though is her strength she gives me is not reliable. I shouldn’t use it. Because it causes me to be too connected, which in turn causes me to crash when she is crashing. Then I become engulfed in the flames. Well, that’s a bit dramatic.. haha. I don’t know how else to describe this feeling. I get too wrapped up. It makes me crazy and I can’t seem to see things too far ahead or remember things.

Okay, so I say things are better and I will explain. School is going better, compared to this time last year. We are doing more things together and Penelope is good about it. She appreciates me more. She is starting to take responsibility for things. Though, most of the time I have to talk her through it before she will acknowledge her responsibility in it. Her gut tells her to blame everyone else and act like it was out of her control. Most kids do that, sure.. but she is still learning cause and affect. Also, I think she still needs to work on her problem-solving skills. I think the issues she struggles with related to cause and affect impact these skills. She tends to look at all the hurdles as barriers rather than choices and opportunities. “I can’t do that because…” Instead of, “What are other options I can try?” She still takes things that belong to me without me knowing but doesn’t break them or hide them. She will tell me she took it and have a reason why that she feels is justifiable. So there is still work to be done there. She doesn’t claim things are hers when they are not. She used to do that all the time, I believe, as a way to pick a fight with me.

Overall, she is doing well. We both have had some emotionally draining moments the past couple of months… of course. It would be amazing if we hadn’t! I feel like I don’t manage through them as well as I use to. I’m much more sensitive to things now, if that’s possible! Penelope is more empathetic than she used to be I think, but I do have a hard time reading her to determine to what extent. She carries herself like most teenagers do, relatively aloof. But we talk about situations or if we see a movie with some social dilemma, I try to talk to her about it to get her opinion on it. She recently had issues with her friends at school. I know I don’t know the whole story and made the decision I didn’t need to. She wasn’t going to tell me. One day she went to sit at the same lunch table as her friends, where they all always eat, and she was told she wasn’t welcome and that her and that group was no longer friends. Have you ever had this happen to you? I have. I was pretty devastated by it. Penelope was initially, and sent me this really sad email about her world collapsing. I picked her up from school that day and we talked about it a little bit. I tried to not pry or try to solve her problem for her but listen. She didn’t really say too much, just that she had no clue why it happened. Which I didn’t believe but dropped it. Each day for the next couple of days she’d report that things were the same and she didn’t know why but she didn’t seem upset by it either. I told her 9 out of 10 times this stuff is all a misunderstanding and told her about my experience when it happened to me. Interestingly enough she listened and was curious about the situation. (A friend’s boyfriend was my twin brother’s best friend and would call the house everyday. He and I would talk when my brother wasn’t home to take the call, which was a lot. It didn’t occur to me that saying “Oh yeah, Greg told me that last night on the phone” in response to some juicy gossip she was sharing with a group of us in our English class would have been read that I liked her boyfriend. Oops.) Anyway, about a week later I started to ask that question “Did you find out what the problem is?” but knowing that she was just going to lie again, I said “It’s been long enough that it would have come out by now, so what was the reason?” She hesitated and said that it was a misunderstanding like I had said. One of the girls overheard a conversation Penelope was having with someone else but took it out of context. Told everyone that Penelope was spreading a rumor about one of them. But Penelope claims she was actually defending that person in the conversation. I wouldn’t be shocked if Penelope was the one who spread the rumor, only because the reason kids do that is lack of self-esteem and trying to get ahead. Penelope would be someone like that. But then I also know she ….appears… to be very loyal. Even keeping a secret for an ex-friend who a few years later started bullying her. Even though this girl had Penelope wanting to quit school on numerous occasions, Penelope still keeps that secret. “Because I promised.” However, it doesn’t matter. Penelope is back to being friends with her friends and what is important is that she worked it out.

The other emotional hurdle Penelope has been dealing with is reconciling with her Dad. It’s more of a starting over with him. The goal is to create a healthy relationship and not revert back to the way things used to be. She saw him at for the first time soon after Christmas Break began. Usually I tell her about something that is going to happen that will cause a reaction from her right before it’s about to happen to prevent meltdowns but I felt that she needed to know in advance. To spring that on her.. just didn’t feel right this time. It had been quite a while since she had seen him. She has grown quite a bit. Her initial reaction was good. She was happy about it, but didn’t flip out. But over the 3 days following…. Um..That night was fine. The next day she woke up okay but sad. Then that night BAM! She had what I was later told a bad panic attack. She couldn’t breathe, she kept going to the bathroom to throw up but nothing would come out. She cried and cried and just said “I’m not strong enough! I can’t do it! I can’t see him!” I asked her what she was scared of and she said she was scared she would become unsafe and do something bad. This didn’t make sense to me at the time.

I told her that it was okay if we cancel. He will understand (no he won’t) and will wait until she feels strong enough (no he won’t). Then she became upset with herself for feeling that way and started to sob “I’m so sorry Daddy….” She has a lot of guilt. So much guilt about her Dad. She shouldn’t but she does. I think she feels like she abandoned him, instead of vice versa. There is a part of her that feels like if she was still with him, he wouldn’t have made poor decisions he has made since she has been with me. It’s hard for her to remember that he was making the same type of poor decisions when she was living with him and she doesn’t have that kind of authority over him. The other thing, that her therapist pointed out, is that as part of her coping/healing with her past, she had built up a wall between her past and her current identity/life. And she has to keep them separate. Her Dad is part of that dark past that she is afraid to go back to. That’s why she felt like she would do something bad. Even though we all know that she was a victim of abuse, she holds herself accountable for it. We’ve worked on breaking down that image, she still will go to this mindset that she is a bad person who just does bad things. Anything that is bad that happens to her is because she deserves it. Her mother neglected and eventually left because she wasn’t lovable enough, or worth staying around for. Her father allowing that to happen and then perpetuated the message by never being him and having her cared for by different people who abused her sexually and physically. I still feel like I don’t know the extent of the abuse from him directly. Specifically around the pseudo wife she became. Sharing a bed from age 2 to 8, when she moved in with me. Seriously? If it was my other brother, I wouldn’t have the same concerns. But I grew up with George and know what he is. Okay.. I’m just making myself mad again at this point. It kills me that besides having had to suffer the abuse, she owns it.

So at the end of the night, early morning, we had decided not to have the visit. She felt calmer and supported. I didn’t tell her Dad. Not yet. She asked me the next day to call him and tell him she couldn’t see him. She was calm but sad. I told her I would. I called my Dad and asked him to do something with her and have a heart to heart. She needed her Papaw. After their conversation, and a commitment from Papaw that he would be at the visit/dinner, she agreed to go forward with the visit. She slept well that night. I did tell George what happened, when he called the day of the visit to make sure things were still a-go. When I told him, his response was “Uhh, okay. So what time should I be there?” As long as he gets to see her, that’s all that mattered. Jerk.

The visit itself was interesting. But Penelope’s therapist (Mrs. Insightful) completely explained it. Penelope was non-stop blah blah blah blah. And it was all about her, she just went on and on and also to an extent challenged him by making a point to tell him, for shock value, how she loves black, and vampires and wants to become one and wants to be Goth, but also wants to live in Japan or South Korea and go to college there and etc etc. To sum up what she said “This is who I am and what I like, take it or leave it!” Her therapist said it has to do with her identity. She was saying “This is who I am now and I’m not going back to the person I was no matter what you do or say!” It was an interesting thing to witness. George didn’t say much at all, not that she gave him an opportunity to very often, but when she did, he still didn’t say much. He was scared to do anything wrong and ruin his opportunity to see her.
After that, she did pretty good through the break and back to school. The next challenge was the school trip to Chicago. All the 8th graders each year get to go to Chicago for 3 days 2 nights. I think I was more of a mess than she was before that trip. A few times within the couple months leading up to it, she felt she wouldn’t be able to do it. But as the date got closer she became more excited and couldn’t wait. I was mostly concerned about her being in a big city with lots of chaos (130 13 year olds) and getting overwhelmed and not coping well with it. Her 6th grade class spent the same amount of time at a YMCA camp but her Intervention Specialist was there during the day so I felt like that was her safety net. Not this year. Then, two days before the trip, I found out that her assigned adult/chaperone was her 5th grade Intervention Specialist – who we despise. Also, around that time, I had a meeting with the school for Penelope’s 3 year IEP re-assessment to determine if she continues to qualify for services. She still qualifies, but the assessment result.. WOW. If you didn’t know this child and read this assessment, you would think she should be highly medicated and have a helper with her at all times – because she can barely function on her own. Her academic testing seemed a little below where I thought she was. For a child who gets As and Bs in most classes now, being below grade level on Reading and Math seemed a bit contradictory. Then the room observations – they were of Social Studies, which is her least favorite class, and Math, which is her smallest and most lax’d class environment. The observation notes made it sound like she needs to go back on her ADHD medication. Highly distracted and off task, grumbling when she didn’t get her way, and breaking rules without taking responsibility. Okay… then the Questionnaires related to behavior. There was one for me for my observations at home, and then one done by her Intervention Specialist at school. I learned in the meeting that the scoring goes 0-14, with 7-14 as average, 4-6 as below average and 0-3 as critical. My scores were 3/4/6/7. Their scores were 3/0/1/3. I was just like.. “What?” This part I believe upset me the most. They said that it’s common for the parent’s results to be lower because their norm is skewed. Okay.. I can understand that. They also said that they had to “judge her harshly” in order to get her to qualify. They never said “We fudged it so she can get services” but I questioned if that was what I was suppose to take from that, because they can’t come out and say it. But they also said that she definitely needs services and qualifies for them. I want her to have services but I felt very defensive. I mean, those scores… if that is where she is now, then what was she before? We talk about how far she has come and all but none of that is reflected in her assessment. All through out the year, I ask her Intervention Specialist “How is she doing? What are her biggest challenges?” And 9 out of 10 times the response is “She is doing good. , but we have it under control.” Okay.. Am I supposed to see this assessment as an accurate portrayal of Penelope? If so, am I that far off base on normalcy or reality?


All those questions, shaking my foundation of how I felt where we are headed and where Penelope actually is, was not a good place to be when getting ready to send her off to Chicago. I was a nervous wreck the entire time. She called me a couple of times. She had some moments. I took no news as good news. Meaning she was busy having fun. She called me Saturday night and did this whiny voice “I miss you!>” It made me cry because it’s probably one of the few times I’ve actually missed her too. That might sound like a harsh statement but, if you know are life, you’d understand. It touched my heart how sincere her words were. It made me wonder how much she has grown emotionally. Is she really bonded with me? Does she really miss me? It made me think about the spending money I gave her and wondered if she was going to spend it all on herself, or buy me a souvenir. Not that I wanted her to spend her money on me, but the notion of it and what it would mean. Of course, she spent the majority of her funds on herself, but she bought a present for me, Grandma & Papaw, and her Dad. I will say she did call and ask if her cousin D (who she isn’t allowed to see since the assault) would like something that she had found because she wanted to buy it for him. I had to tell her that even if he would like it, she wouldn’t be allowed to give it to him. She just responded “Oh…” and moved on. Anyway, the gifts she bought everyone were definitely Penelope. She bought her Dad this skull necklace, her Papaw a coin with a heartfelt Irish saying, me a large yellow Japanese parasol, and then (poor) Grandma got a postcard. Grandma took it in stride. Penelope said she didn’t see anything that she thought Grandma would like. I will have to agree, she is hard to buy for. But I was a little embarrassed for her.

The next visit with her Dad was the weekend after the Chicago trip. Let me preface this by saying that the visits are suppose to work up to as frequent as once a month and we are already having 5-10 minute weekly phone calls on Saturdays. George strongly believes that I am bound and determined to sabotage his relationship with Penelope and all the limitations I put on their reconciliation is because I want to flaunt my power and control him. So, in other words, he doesn’t trust me. I can only tell him so many times that is not the case but he doesn’t understand that the limitations are to protect Penelope because.. why does she need protection from him? He didn’t and won’t do anything wrong. So the plan was for him to come around 6pm and he was bringing dinner (as I made it the first time and I’m not going to make that a routine). He had to leave at 8pm because of plans. Two hours is enough time for a visit right now. That isn’t his preference and I know that. He said he was going to leave his house around 5pm, stop at pick up this, pick up dinner and head our direction. I specifically told him NOT to come early. Do NOT come early. We may not even be home until 6pm. “DON’T come early.” We got home around 5:00 that day. I ran through the house and picked up. Around 5:15 I decided I was going to try to squeeze in a shower before he got there. Penelope was playing her video game in the living room. I got out of the bathroom around 5:45. I went to check my phone to see what time it was and it had all these missed calls from George and both my parents. My phone started to ring in my hand and it was George. I answered and he was like “Why haven’t you answered your phone! I am at the front door!” I said “You are early. Didn’t I say not to come early? I was in the shower. He said “I’ve been ringing the door bell!” I said “Penelope didn’t hear it I guess. I’ll send her down (to the front door) to get you.” I got dressed and came out and he was calm now but complaining that the food might be cold because no one answered the door. Penelope apologized. I told her it wasn’t her fault. “Dad wasn’t supposed to be here yet.” Don’t put this on Penelope.

A couple of days later, Penelope tells me she is expecting a phone call from Papaw. When I asked “Why?” She said “I texted him today and told him I wanted to talk to him tonight.” Okay, if it’s a Papaw conversation, than it’s a Papaw conversation. My Dad called me the next day and told me it was about George. How she wishes he was a stronger person and wanted to know why he is the way he is. She loves him but is mad at him for being the way he is. Why couldn’t he have taken better care of her and do things the right way. What I found out was, is that when Penelope opened the door for her Dad, he had been crying. From the messages and phone calls I had received that day, he had arrived about 35 minutes early and from what my Mom told me (because he called them which is why they were both calling me) that he was crying on the phone to her and saying things like “What am I suppose to do?? Go home??” Great…

Then about 2 weeks later, after having her weekly phone call with George, she had an extremely vivid nightmare. She felt like it was real and I ended up keeping her home that Monday. The way she reacted, I was concerned she disassociated. But her therapist said that her dreams can be just as real. She dreamt that her Dad had broken into our home in the middle of the night and tried to hurt us. He was going to kill us. He tried to sweet talk her into coming with him. She said I wouldn’t wake up. She took a long knife and cut his arm off and then stabbed him to death to protect us. She was devastated by the dream. She started sobbing “I killed my Dad!! What kind of person could do that!? I’m a bad person!...” It broke my heart. We had a good conversation about reality and dreams and how our brain is sending us messages. I took the dream as her feeling like with her regular contact with her Dad she is feeling conflicted about what “team” she is on. Because of the way things were in the past, George would do things to put Penelope in the middle and choose between him and I. She had a hard time thinking it was nothing more than her being a bad person and she was just acting very scared. She said she felt like something could happen. She felt like something bad was going to happen that day. She didn’t want to leave her room. It really shook her up. I kept her home. She slept and stayed in her room pretty much the entire day. By that evening I was able to get her to come out and hang out with me. I did send her to school the next day but talked to her teacher about Penelope’s concerns and just needed the routine and to keep an eye on her. She was pretty depressed the next couple of days but we had therapy that Thursday. Her therapist was able to talk to her about it as well and just give her some peace of mind that this is her brain dealing with her feelings and because she has such a vivid imagination, that was the way her brain made her take notice. Her therapist said that one way to see this dream is, her Dad and I in the dream really represent different parts of herself. She is asking herself what kind of person does she want to be? Someone weak and hurtful like her Dad or strong and dependable like her Mom? There are other ways to look at it but it’s common to have this question and this is the way Penelope thinks right now. Who is she going to turn out to be? What traits is she going to have, or want to have? I think that is a plausible interpretation. She said there are many ways to look at this dream. My concern of course is her feeling unsafe. The fact I woke up that morning and every light in the house was turned on and the condo door was locked, dead bolted and latched, which we hardly ever do.

Harriet and George

I haven't blogged in a little bit. A lot going on but also, I've changed my blog over to private because of Harriet. I tried to do it a few days earlier but it didn't stick and I wanted to make sure no more posts could possibly be read by her. I think it's okay and if so, I plan to make my blog public again so others can follow it but for right now, I'm just playing it safe.

About 1 1/2 weeks ago, I received an email from Harriet with the following.
"I just found out what happened in with that boy touching Penelope. I heard that George didn't even know until months after Penelope had been in therapy. Why was I never told? I'm beginning to think that a lot has been kept from me. I think it would be a good idea to allow Penelope to start communicating with me. It has been 2 years.I was told in the beginning of all of this , that it would only be a few months. I am truly ashamed that I have let it go this long. Please respond to this e-mail as soon as possible."

I never told Harriet about Penelope's rape. Do I have some guilty feelings about that? Yes. Harriet IS Penelope's mother. Do I feel I made the right decision in not telling her? Yes. Not all decisions that have to be made, especially when it comes to this dynamic, are clear cut. Harriet and her mother have made in clear that they do not believe that Harriet did anything that damaged Penelope in any real lasting way. She will admit that leaving Penelope at 2 1/2 years old hurt Penelope but no more than any other kid with parents get divorced. She feels that the worst thing she did was leave Penelope with her horrible father, George. George was a bad father, but in the beginning, better than Harriet. Penelope at least went into daycare and was being fed and looked after during most of the day. But she was "damaged" before this and that trauma continued for quite some time.

So since Harriet and her mother's perspective is that Harriet did nothing to cause the problems that Penelope has and is living with, it's all George's fault. George and Debbie's (the short term step-mother) fault. Harriet's mother has come short of accusing George of sexually abusing Penelope. I don't think she is completely off her rocker to have this impression as I have had, and still wonder, the same thing. But see, if they were given any validation or confirmation that their feelings are warranted, my fear is that Harriet would try to get custody. They feel because Penelope's behavioral problems didn't really escalate until after Debbie's participation in Penelope's life, it's really all her fault, along with George since it was under his watch. It's a blame game for them. I know who did what, for the most part, and I'm protecting Penelope from her father and her mother. Neither one of them should have any right to make decisions on her behalf. Neither one of them understands, or wants to understand, the trauma they both have caused this child or how it affects her daily life and thinking. If they are not willing to understand it, how in God's name would they ever be able to make good decision for her. I just don't want to give Harriet any reasons to try to intervene with Penelope. I have always said to her that George has not been a good father either and Penelope has issues to resolve regarding him as well, but she has never asked for specifics nor have I have given them. Maybe not telling her these things is going to ultimately do that but I will just have to deal with it the best I can at this point. Because the information comes so slowly and we still really don't know the details, I wasn't going to put myself or Penelope through whatever reaction Harriet and her mother would have with every new breaking news release of information. Can you imagine melodramatic Harriet's reaction to being informed of every time Penelope discloses a little more of her trauma? In order for Penelope to feel safe enough to disclose her trauma, she NEEDS Harriet to stay out of it!

Do I have guilty feelings for not giving Harriet a chance at having the right reaction? Yes, but it wasn't worth the risk. I'm happy to continue to feel guilty about it.

Well, this email came two days after George's bail hearing lowering his bail to an amount that my parents said they could afford to pay to get him out of jail. However, the closing on the condo kept getting delayed for this or that reason and they can't pay the bail until after the closing. My dad wasn't allowed to talk to him the day of the hearing so George was ready to be bailed out when my dad couldn't. The next day he found out and from what I heard, went ape-shit about it. As he's told everyone, he spent 21 days in jail. I can just see the scratch tally on his cell wall. My dad had to borrow money from one of his best friends to get George out of jail, which happened the same day I got Harriet's email. Coincidence? I don't think so.

But he denies denies denies it. I told him "I won't be mad if you told her, I just need to know what was said! I have damage control to do now." He claims "I didn't even know that you waited a couple of months to tell me." I said "I didn't, it's wrong. I didn't tell you right away but the delay was only maybe a couple of weeks. And only because Penelope wouldn't tell me anything unless I promised her." He said "Why would I tell Harriet?" I said "I don't know, complaining? Complaining about me? I don't know." He said "No!" like that was ridiculous. Yeah okay. Our dad told me he told George to cut the crap as we know he did it and gave him a ration of shit for it but he still denied it to him as well.

I had to respond to Harriet with something so I said:
"I think we need to meet. I'm not sure where you are getting your information. But I'd be glad to tell you what we know and what I think has happened to Penelope in her past. Are there things I have withheld from you? Yes, but not what you’re implying. The last time I told you something that demonstrated how sick Penelope is, you told your Mom and at some point had Penelope being committed to a mental hospital soon. Then shortly later I found out from your Mom you were in drug/alcohol rehab. I haven't told you all that Penelope has done and how truly sick she is because I want you to focus on your own health for her sake. When you both are strong enough, I want you to have a relationship. I have talked to both her therapists (up in and her trauma therapist in ) about you and Penelope communicating via email or however and no one feels she is ready. She is making a lot of progress in trauma therapy even though we haven't really touched any specific traumas yet. It's hard to explain. Google EMDR for complex PTSD and Google Reactive Attachment Disorder if you haven't already. Or talk to one of your professors.
I didn't think it would be this long either but I don't think any of us knew what road we were heading down. I have given up my life, career and personal identity to give Penelope a chance at a normal life."

Nothing I wrote in there isn't true. Except I wasn't told by her Mom, but her MIL. I couldn't remember. She had responded that she was never in drug/alcohol rehab nor have had any reason to and that she talked to her Mom and she never said anything. I had to verify my memory with George. It was the MIL that told me. And we don't know if she actually went in or not, but Harriet's husband and MIL were pushing for it. Harriet doesn't know about my conversation with her MIL and I gather her MIL didn't say anything to her about it because it would have caused some real problems between Harriet and her MIL.

Anyway, I had to ask again about meeting and she said she wanted to meet but had to wait until the beginning of the month (Nov) and find out what her mother's schedule was for her to come up. I hadn't asked to meet with her mother and I really don't want to. She is the one that came out and accused me of writing the letter that Penelope wrote to Harriet telling her how she feels. She felt it didn't "sound" like Penelope. Harriet has her so snowed about her lack of parenting with Penelope that she comes into conversations like she really knows what is going on and already has her mind made up as to what a horrible person I am. I don't need that crap! So I've enlisted Penelope's trauma therapist in this meeting. It will be a 2nd opinion for Harriet and her mother since they have met with the attachment therapists. Penelope's attachment therapist said that was a great idea as it will also help the trauma therapist have a better understanding of what she is dealing with by meeting them - as it did her.

However, when I spoke to George the 2nd time, verifying my memory about the rehab center, he said he didn't think it was going to become an issue with Harriet. I asked if he had talked to Harriet since he's been out and he said "A couple of times." He claimed she never mentioned finding out about Penelope's abuse to him either time. He said that he gave her this guilt trip about how hard it is for him right now, that he just can't deal with anymore drama and stress right now... I said "Why would she care about how stressed you are right now? She doesn't care! That doesn't make any sense. This is the same person who threw you under the bus when you were in jail and told me you had called her collect and wanted her to send you pictures of girls to you in jail." He said she wrote him a letter telling him to call her and when he did, it wasn't collect as he used a calling card and that he told her how they each got a fan letter in the mail from some guy and how they joked they wished it was women sending their naked pictures. I believe that because it actually makes sense. He's a pervert, I know, but why would he tell Harriet to send girls pictures to him in jail?

Anyway, his story doesn't make any sense to me. He said that Harriet does throw him under the bus but she has this thing about him, like she always has to know she is good standing with him. She calls him all the time for stupid stuff that he claims he tells her, "Shouldn't you ask your husband about that?" or "Shouldn't you be telling this to your husband?" I can see this being true knowing how she is, but I'm still not buying that his non-specific guilt trip would make her rethink trying to meet about Penelope or continuing to have an issue with this revelation. But then, here it is, a week into November and I haven't heard from her. Nothing.

I still don't buy George's story but I need to know what went down. What are these two up to? What is Harriet up to? I don't care about George. He is controlled by my parents and his legs were cut out from under him with this whole jail and biker gang thing.

She is doing things to try to be the better parent, and I commend her for the effort but I do think she is going about it all wrong. When George went into jail, a few days later she wanted to know if she could talk to Penelope or write her. So that was something she wanted shortly before she "found out" about her abuse. However, he grounds to ask were that she is now in school and is trying to make herself a better role model for Penelope. Also, she recently "follows" me on my Twitter account (which I never use and only used to use it to follow other people like celebs and news shows). Her Twitter account is 100% Catholic. Her profile says "Catholic mother and wife." She has many followers and follows many people. They are all priests and nuns and other Catholic inspired Twitter accounts. She tweeted that she was afraid she'd fail her one psychology class if she revealed her true feelings about abortion and birth control and gays. Oh God, I pray to you that she is on birth control.

The ironic ? hypocritical ? thing about this Twitter "persona" she has created is that she herself has had an abortion. She herself has had a same-sex causal sex thing (while she was married to George). I don't believe that makes one gay but it's that the whole thing against gays from the religious perspective? Anyway, her favorite movie is the Rocky Horror Picture Show. She had joined a satanic cult even. I'm not saying someone doesn't have the right or shouldn't try to become a better person and put their past behind them - but they have to own their past too. She is acting like it never happened.

I told Penelope's attachment therapist about this and she said that Harriet is trying to rectify being one way by becoming the extreme opposite. But it's not real. It's a facade. It doesn't address her real problems, and actually it can make her sicker. Ugh.

Now George is in Jail

Too much to deal with. I have been through every emotion and back. I feel either numb, or everything. Like standing in a rain storm that hurts your skin but then gets to a point where you just feel everything but without the pain. I found out George is in jail last night. He has been there since Saturday night. He is being charged with 2nd degree felonious assault. Him and a few of his "friends." They all belong to an outlaw biker gang that I'm not going to name here. He is probably going to be going to jail for a while. Him and his buddies tracked down a couple guys from a rival gang and a fight commenced and a few people got stabbed. People had guns, knives and clubs/bats. Did George stab anyone? I don't know. From what I understand, he was driving the getaway vehicle. So I'm sure charges like fleeing the scene, resisting arrest, and aiding and embedding will be considered as well.
Penelope of course doesn't know. My poor parents are beside themselves. He wanted them to post the bond to get him out of jail. The bond would be the same amount as the down payment for the condo we are trying to get. I don't even think it was a consideration. My Dad said "He's 43 years old. If this is the life he wants to have, than he is on his own." I agree but I know how hard that is for my parents. They have tried so hard for years to get him on his two feet. Every time they turn around, it's something else. He gets remarried, his wife beats his daughter and steals all his money. They have him live in their investment property and manage his bills for him. When he doesn't have enough, they pay. I've taken in his daughter, because he can't parent. But it's even been before the past few years. He was always needing them to save him from as early as I can remember. But he joins the KKK and that blows up in his face with the custody of his daughter. Now, he joins this gang and he expects what? The thing is, I'm not terribly surprised. A couple of years ago, I was helping him manage his workers' comp claim and had access to his emails. I came across a weird email from an old friend of his where George was trying to get a hold of someone they both used to know who was a member of this gang. His old friend told George in her email that she didn't want to be any part of it because it's too dangerous and she didn't want to expose her new life, new family and son to that part of her past life. Her email made her sound very scared. My initial thought was "Now what is he trying to do? I can't let him be near Penelope when he's messing around dangerous people again." So I did what any little sister does. I ratted him out to our parents. It turned into one heck of an argument. He called me and told me what a despicable person I was for snooping in his emails. That it was NONE of my business who he hangs out with and who his friends are. I said that it was my business because he could expose Penelope to that (like he did with those people that abused her and that he socialized with!) He said that he is a grown man (yeah right!) and he can do whatever he wants. Penelope is HIS daughter and he can do anything he wants around her. Yes - he actually said that! H.E. C.A.N. D.O. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G H.E. W.A.N.T.S. A.R.O.U.N.D. H.E.R....
No. He can't. And now I'm not the only one who feels that way, so does the justice system as it seems. My dad said "He could go away for 10 years, and that would be a life sentence for him." George has health problems that will only get worse in jail.
And Harriet knows. Not an hour after I found out Monday night from my Dad, I get an email from her saying she is sorry to hear about him, "What was he thinking? Geez." Then "Are you going to tell Penelope? I don't think that would be good for her." Ya think? Then around 1am she emails me again "If I were you I'd call child support and let them know. Not to be mean or anything but I don't think he has any need for it now." And then yesterday afternoon she emails me saying "Be careful. I don't know if goes after family of but if I were you I'd keep my eye out." Then a little later "Penelope is safe though. They don't go after children." What the heck! I hate her. She is crazy and drama. But just shows what a selfish dysfunctional person she is. Here is her daughter's father who her daughter loves and stupid as he is, him being in jail will devastate Penelope. If he is in jail for a short time, she will not need to know but if he goes away for years, she will have to be told. And here she is just thinking of ways to be drama about it. If it happened to her, I'm sure George would be the same way but I don't have to put up with George. Not like I have to put up with Harriet. At least my parents have been an umbrella for that. I do hope George the best in this time of chaos but I don't need it. Penelope certainly doesn't either.

Hearing Aftermath

I found it interesting and funny to learn that within 2 hours of the hearing earlier this week, the police detective in the case sent a uniformed officer to my twin brother's house to get his phone number. He also gave the detective's phone number to my brother. My dad told the prosecutor at the hearing he would get his cell phone out of his car and bring the numbers back to him but the prosecutor gave him his card and told him to just call him later. But based on what we learned, the detective got a butt chewing for not making contact. I guess the task of contacting the family was delegated to him.


So my brother called him, as requested, and I'm not sure what the conversation the only thing I heard was that he wanted to see if the victims have been showing signs of abuse. They have not. But the prosecutor has not called him yet.


After work the day of the hearing I was told by my mom that Penelope had complained about a woman who asked her uncomfortable questions. I had no clue what she was talking about because no one asked her anything other than how was her summer going and if she liked the class teacher. But in therapy she brought it up again and they figured out it was the competency evaluator. But she wasn't at the hearing. Interestingly enough, her attorney asked if about the evaluation and the evaluator and Penelope couldn't remember the evaluation even after Papaw reminded her that it was when he went with her in and what had happened. But she remembers the evaluator now but in a different context. Penelope is saying that the evaluator asked her how many times the boy raped her. She was angry with the woman for asking that question because she is a total stranger to her. The therapist tried to get Penelope to open up more about her abuse but she wasn't having it this week. I'm not surprised, with everything that has happened.


I did find out that she said when she disclosed the rape in the bathroom in the middle of the night that when she went back to her friend's room, she was crying and her friend woke up the parents and they were told what happened. But we don't know what they did, if anything. If George was told or not. George has been evasive about information regarding this family - even a little hostile. He doesn't deny that she couldn't have been abused but can't remember anything about their names or where they lived exactly. Despite the fact he had an older brother live with him for a year, volunteered at the firestation with the dad (how Penelope met her friend) and were friends with them for at least 5 years. When I pushed for him to contact people out in the area that could get their name and location he bucked and said "That's the police's job." Hello!? Are you kidding. That was about six months ago.


Now with these new revelations, the issue of their identity has come up again. Yesterday my dad went over to George's house to drop off something for him and he told him how the hearing and therapy went. My dad said that George was all pissed off about the whole therapy thing. He claims that that Penelope's attachment therapists told him that they were not going to try to get Penelope to talk about her trauma. That it's best if she doesn't talk about it and that they will discourage her from talking about it. She needs to just forget about it. LIE LIE LIE LIE. He said he wants a 2nd opinion (so he is on that kick again). He wants her to go to a different therapist or doctor that isn't her attachment therapists.



So my thought is "Why is he saying this??" "What's his agenda now?" He has got to still be trying to hide something. Either something he has done, or something someone else has done that he has covered up. I try not to be an alarmist, or paranoid, but I do worry about things.. but things I worry about tend to come true. This family out in the countryside of Indiana that hurt Penelope.. that George met and knew pretty much his entire time living out there... why would he protect them? George also belonged to the KKK out there (as we learned later and I've discussed in the original post). Maybe he's protecting one of their members. I can't think of any other stupid reason to protect them unless he himself hurt her too and it would come out when discussing her abuse from them. I've told both my parents that I think he did something. I said "Let's think about this. You have a little girl who is sexualized. You have a perverted adult, yes her father but still, who loses his wife and has his daughter take her place in his bed from the get go until I take her. You have a young girl who is confused about her love for her father because of sexual abuse. It would only be a very small bridge to cross for him to abuse her too. They couldn't deny the possibility but don't want to think he did something. UGH I HATE HIM! My dad did say that if we find out that George knew something or did anything he was going to kill him. Especially after Penelope disclosing that the parents were told when it happened. There is something more to this. Something worse than what has already been disclosed. I just feel it. It keeps me up at night.



The other night I had a long conversation with my twin brother - that he initiated - about what he is considering telling the prosecutor when he calls. He obviously had to discuss this with his wife. She is just as much a part of this as he is. He is definitely stuck in the middle of a mess. He said it would be so much simpler if it wasn't family. He is dealing with so much guilt. He feels guilty for not hurting if not at least yelling at Penelope when it happened. He always thought if someone hurt his kids, he'd kill them, but he didn't do anything but send her away. He feels guilty for allowing it to happen. He kept listening for fighting and would hear them playing peaceful, but then he checked once and it was quiet but he was "too lazy" to go upstairs and see why it was quiet. He feels it probably happened then. He also feels guilt that he doesn't fell as much conviction to have her punished like his wife does. He feels he should. Like its saying he doesn't care or love them as much. But he feels that since he didn't hurt her then, he needs to hurt her now. He also knows how much I've given up and sacrificed for her and how she is essentually killing me, and mom and dad. He said that he feels like he should be at the hearings, should want to be at the hearings but doesn't make a point to. He feels like he should be more on top of this then he is and he doesn't know why.

I do know that he is going through a lot outside of this, being unemployed. His unemployment was denied. His wife has been on him to find A job. He is trying. He feels like she is holding him directly responsible for the slow movement of the unemployment claim being contested. She went and got a second job through a friend. The burden of that - him not working and his wife working two jobs. Then all this. I can't imagine things are happy at home.

I told him mom and dad both said that they know that his wife has a strong opinion about Penelope and they know she is the one he has to live with. He sounded releaved and said "I'm glad they can appreciate that. They won't hold that against me." I said "Now, I didn't say that. I can think of one person who probably will (Mom)." After some thought, I don't know if I wouldn't be able to hold it against him either. I told him "I just wish that you could talk to different people that could give you all the facts. Not just the legal stuff, like what are the options of punishment, but also why it happened and all the other pieces." I just feel like if they could focus on the fact that she wouldn't have hurt there kids if she herself wasn't abused. They could redirect their focus of blame. He did bring up the boy who raped her. I told him I still don't know who it is, but I want to pursue him. I just don't want to do it too soon where Penelope has more to disclose and we make her talk about it with strangers and it causes her to close up. She retracted what she had told me during the forensic interview that the detective set up. He completely understood and wants to make sure the truth and the whole truth comes out. Because we both suspect George in this one way or the other.

Honestly, I am trying to have him refocus his blame on George. That's where I truely think it should be. George and Harriet. But her physical and sexual abuse is alllll George. His wife on the other hand, I don't know. I did ask him what she wanted. He said she wants Penelope treated as if she is not family. I then asked him if this situation was reversed and it was her neice Susie, who has her own mental illness from neglect and possible abuse. He said that he said the same thing to her, and she said she'd feel the same way. I doubt that. She is very close to her parents and her parents do just as much for Susie as my dad and I do for Penelope. I've had long conversations with my sister-in-law's mom and we have similar stories. I do feel that my sister-in-law is truely disregarding my brother's family because 1) after what Penelope did, it's easy to hate her 2) She never has liked my mom or my dad so it's easy to dismiss there wishes 3) no one likes George so that's easy and 4) that leaves me. So what. No big loss.

He is stuck in a bad place and I feel for him and I so wish he wasn't in this spot just as much as I wish this never happened. I do feel like I'm losing him as my brother. I can see him trying to distance himself from me.

Our Appointment with the Public Defender

I left our appointment with our assigned counsel more concerned and upset than before we went in. Worried about this appointment, I sent an extensive email to her from the public defender's office's website. She didn't get it.

We didn't have much time to talk to her. She only wanted to meet with Penelope first. By herself. Why? Don't know. When she called Papaw and I in she had just finished drawing a map of the court room for Penelope showing her where everyone sits. She said that they didn't go over the charges because Penelope doesn't appear to be someone who could handle that. Penelope had provided enough information to clue her in that she has mental health issues and going to court and be on trial might be damaging. Ya think? I explained what the detective said about filing charges only if CPS doesn't provide help. But then even after requesting a referral and going through the steps to find the right help for Penelope the detective calls and says they are filing charges anyway. That he called CPS and that have closed the case and they want her treatment monitored. They want to make sure she gets the help that she needs. I told the attorney how Penelope has been having nightmares about all of this, she was discovered by a classmate cutting lines on her legs with the blade of her scissors, and she drew some alarming pictures that has the principal considering having a psychological evaluation done to determine if she is a safety concern to herself or her classmates. The picture had to do with Penelope killing her birth mom. "no family for me" in actuality she is scared we are going to abandon her "when" she goes to jail. We've been assured she isn't going to jail. According to the attorney there isn't a jail for her. She is too young. There is one for boys her she but it is rare to have a case like this for a girl. She has only had two others in the years she has been doing this. She knows the detective and said he is a real snake. She wanted to call the prosecutor and make sure that the detective even discussed it with her. She came back and said that he had and the reason they filed charges is because even with the treatment she was having, this happened. She hasn't been getting the right kind of treatment. If they only knew! If they knew where she has been, how far she has come. If they only knew! She has so many issues to deal with that you have to start somewhere. But then their arguement would be "more reason to deem her a threat to others." But what do you want for her then? To be insititutionalized? To take away her potential because she is sick? To remove her from normalcy? It's part of her healing to be at a regular school and live a normal life. She continually learning to cope with eveyday things to prepare her for adulthood. But because she is sick and still continues to need treatment and support we should take all this away? "no hope for you Penelope. Yeah you've come a long way in the past 1 1/2 years but it's not good enough. You are 12 now and you should be better.Your efforts were not good enough. YOU are not good enough."
I asked the attorney what they expected? We already exceed CPS' standards so they can't do anything. If anything, they will make it worse by trying to bring Harriet back in the picture too soon to "protect the mother's rights." If this prosecutor TRUELY wanted what was best for Penelope, then they should consider the psychological side to this. I asked if they could then drop the charges? She said they could but she wanted to focus on getting it so Penelope doesn't have to participate in the trial. Have her have a competincy hearing and have her evaluated. With Penelope back in the room she starts telling her how we are going to have her get evaluated to determine competincy and she'd have to go to the jailhouse to do so and go through the doors and be locked in.... But then she'd get to leave. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! She so didn't need to know all that. Didn't I just tell her that even though we've all told her she isn't going to jail, that she has nightmares about it anyways? But the meeting was left with a lot of unanswered questions and an overall feeling like we are screwed. That she isn't much of a fighter and she is just going to make an effort to make sure Penelope doesn't have to sit through it, which is definitely a good thing, but only to protect her from watching herself get convicted of 4 counts of rape as our attorney, who not once asked about the charges, rolls over on it.

It makes me mad at myself for being so weak that I couldn't keep working and put myself in such a financial situation I can't pay for proper representation. Mad at myself for leaving Penelope with my brother who judged me too hovering over Penelope and that I should allow her more freedoms, when my instincts told me not too. I'm not saying he did anything wrong, he just hasn't been around her enough to gain the same compulsion to hover. I allowed his critisisms to fog my instincts to hover and allow her to be in a situation where she wasn't monitored enough. Mad at myself for being open and honest with the judicial system and telling the detective everything and telling Penelope to tell the detective everything. I want to trust the system. I want Penelope to trust the system. Papaw, who is a retired police officer, was with us and felt being open and honest was the right thing too. I am kicking myself for being so niave. Papaw is pissed because what transpired isn't rape. And Penelope is being charged 4 counts of it.

I cried all the way back to work, missed my exit, almost hit a car on the highway, missed my turn around, went the wrong way when I got back to the exit. I was a mess. It took me forever to get back to work. I tried to call my dad, who Penelope was with but he didn't answer. I don't know what we can do but we have to be able to do more than this. This sucks! Take back the car and use the money for an attorney! This job sucks anyway so I'll find a job that is on the bus route or something. I don't know.

I called George, being her father and all, tried to see if he'd offer up something to help. Maybe sell his Harley? Nope. God forbid. He'd be homeless with his daughter dead from suicide but still have his Harley. Priorities.

The one thing that the attorney said that really bothers me is that this crime will follow her throughout her life. It's one of those crimes that can't be exponged. (sp?) So it could impact her ability to get a job, maybe her college if she decides to do that. Besides living with the guilt of what she did, she will be something that others can know and continually judge her for.

Lastly, I do want to stress that I do recognize how serious her actions are. They have devistated our family. I adore my niece and nephew. I get so mad when I think of what she did. The blessing that we have is that they are fine. My 5 yr old nephew didn't understand what Penelope wanted him to do, wasn't interested and told her he'd rather play Star Wars. I'm not 100% sure what happened with my 3 yr. old niece but if it is what Penelope told me, it would make sense that she doesn't think anything of it and asks where Penelope is whenever I see her. "Where's Penelope? Can you go get her and bring her here? I want to play hair salo." Same thing from my nephew. They both have been told it was inappropriate touching and Penelope isn't allowed over until she learns how to play nicely. They've accepted that. They just don't know that Penelope will probably never be invited or welcomed again. I'm just thankful that what happened wasn't worse. It could have been a lot worse. It should never have happened. What happened to Penelope should never have happened. It's going to be a long road between by twin brother and I because he allows George into his home and what he has done to Penelope is billion times worse than what Penelope did to her cousins. But he is allowed in their home when Penelope never will be again.

Jerry Springer...

Wow, a lot has gone on the past few days.
First, the good news. I now am gainfully employed. I went in for a second interview with the Cemetery and was offered a job. I started today. I think once I get over my personal pride - this is not the career that I ever dreamed of getting into - I'll be okay. I see the value and I can see how easily it can be for families to see the value, but it will be a whole new experience for me. It's selling "arrangements" pre-need. It's minimum wage or commission, which ever is higher. It has 6 figure potential but if I work hard, I'll make at least what I use to. But today, I made $58 and after taxes and dinner at the Golden Corral with Penelope, I probably have left $22. Oh well. I went as a treat for Penelope, even though I don't believe in feeding stress, we have to make exceptions once in a while. I think today deserves exception. I was craving their salad bar and Penelope was craving their dessert bar.
So, the bad news. Papaw picked Penelope up from school and took her to the police station. I didn't get to go because of work. But for her it was more important for her to have Papaw there.. and her two dolls and baby blanket. I wish I could have been there for her. Anyway, there wasn't any fingerprinting but just a policeman filling out a multi-part form that my dad had to sign. The policeman asked Penelope some basic questioned. My dad said that he asked her, "Do you have any medical conditions?" She listed everything under the sun. "I have ADHD, anger issues, anxiety, depression...." We never talk about the term "Reactive Attachment Disorder" because I don't want her to feel labeled or limited by a diagnosis. But she knows what Concerta is for and she knows how she feels.
But the big news is the actual Charge. They are charging her with Rape. RAPE! This is the charge chosen to force Children Services to monitor her treatment. So, I am going to have to figure out some way to get her representation because this is BS. I did try to contact the CPS Investigator we had but she won't call me back. It's total BS. I'm going to work my way up the command because their job is to help children. I think with Penelope's history and the treatment she is getting, we are on the right track. I don't care about being monitored by CPS even though I don't think it's necessary. I get that the police can't just take my word for it but I think that my history with Penelope shows that I have done everything to get Penelope the treatment she needs. I'm not going to stop. I wonder if I can get CPS to agree to have an open case if the charges would be dropped. To me that would be ideal. That's what they want.
Penelope found out from Papaw how I'm going to get an attorney and knows I'm pissed about the Rape charge. I told her if they were filing charges to punish her, I'd be okay with that. She asked me why. I said "Because you broke the law and did a very bad thing." But this isn't why they are charging her. They know she is sick. They know she has been abused. They know that this is a child that needs help.
I am not trying to downplay what she did or not have her be responsible for her actions. She has been dealing with that since the day it happened. Her cousins show zero problems from what happened. They are happy and miss Penelope. That doesn't mean that something couldn't come up but it really doesn't seem like it. I want to prevent Penelope from doing anything like what she did again. We have put in place changes necessary to keep her always monitored. We are getting her the treatment she needs.
Okay, so here is the Jerry Springer part. So, my last post talked about George being in the hospital. He is still there. He has potentially going to go home today. Now it's Wednesday. They have to regulate his medication first. He has lost a total of 30 lbs of water from Wednesday not to Saturday. They doctor said he will probably lose another 50 lbs of water. 80 lbs of water! The doctor thinks he has Obstructive Sleep Apnea which caused his congestive heart failure. So he needs to have a sleep study so he can get a breathing mask at night. And then also get a stomach bi-pass.
He talked to his wrongful termination attorney today and now he is saying that due to being terminated, he lost his insurance coverage and he couldn't afford COBRA so he wasn't taking his meds. He started feeling bad and knew he'd end up in the hospital and decided to elect COBRA before his time was because he knew that was the cheaper decision. The thing is, I've asked him several times before and after he was admitted, if he has been taking his meds regularly. He always said he did. Now he is saying he didn't. I even asked him on Friday if the doctors knew what triggered it and he said no. So now he is going to use his circumstance to build up his case.
But see, that's still not all the Jerry Springer Show. Last night, it came to my twin brother's attention that George was having some chick living with him and that she has been living there and driving his car around while he is in the hospital. That this chick is wanted or something. We found out her story was that she was living with her boyfriend and her 18 mo. old. They got into a fight and the boyfriend wanted to end the relationship. She took his gun and threatened to kill herself. They fought about it and she went into the hallway and discharged the gun. She fell to the ground faking like she shot herself. He called her out, because based on the type of gun, her guts would have been everywhere. He called the police. CPS was called and her 18 mo. old was taken away. She was admitted into the psych ward of a local hospital. She was released and has been living there for a couple of weeks.
She came to see George in the hospital and asked George if she could drive his truck. He gave her his keys. My twin brother's brother-in-law who knows George was driving by his house and notice the garage door open and the pickup truck gone. She had left the house completely open and he lives in a not so nice area. When it got to my dad, George claimed his friend Shane was going to pick it up to work on it. But that wasn't true. He finally admitted to the existence of this girl.
I'm not exactly sure why, but at this point everyone was looking to get back George's pickup and kick her out of the house. I agree she shouldn't be driving his car around but it's George's truck and he lent it to her. However, the house George is living in is owned by my parents so I can see them have problem with that. But regardless, George she needed to be kicked out and the pick up truck should not be driven around by this woman. She probably isn't covered by the insurance. She hadn't stayed the night in a few days but still had his truck.
Anyway, because she had the keys to the house, my dad had to break in the house through a window to retrieve her items. He left and my parents went and sat outside her work at UPS waiting for her to show up for her shift. She didn't. My dad went and spoke to her boss who told him that she had recently been fired of absenteeism. But the union got her job back. But she was a no call/no show for work today. George's friend went to the bar she likes to hang out and she was there. He tried to get the keys from her but she became combative. Then the next thing they know she called the police on them. Then, when the police arrived, she claimed her ex-boyfriend had shown up with a gun - which wasn't true. My dad talked on the phone with one of the policeman - retired cop to cop - and talked him into getting the keys from her. He did. She claims she didn't want to give them up because her stuff was at the house and she has court tomorrow and needed her things. They told her that they had her things but my dad wasn't going to hand them over without the key first. If she didn't give it to him, he was going to pitch her stuff and get the locks changed. It took someone going through her things to find the key to get her to give it up.
I had talked to George before I knew most of this but knew of the girl. I asked him "Why would you allow someone like her who is potentially dangerous stay with you?" He said he didn't know if what has been said is all true - but he stated she made all the calls. So he knows better. But he also said he wanted to help her out. That she is a nice person and has always been nice to him. I told him that serial killers know how to be nice. Everyone knows how to be nice but it doesn't make them a good person. I suspect he has a sexual relationship with her. He doesn't just help people without something in return. And after learning who this chick is, I am pretty sure he has been crushing on her and she flirts with him from what he has said. There is something there.
The thing is, I am not really that upset. I am upset how much he hurt our mom and dad for what they had to do. But otherwise, I don't really care. I mean seriously, it doesn't affect Penelope so I don't care. The really sad thing is, he is still living in this life cycle. It's been a while since he has done something this major since his house burnt down a few years ago alerting to us that he was having some guy living with him. The one who was abused and could have easily abused Penelope. Anyway, Penelope is totally protected. That was always the problems before as to why we would get so upset. Penelope. How it affected her. Not anymore.

Trying to move forward

No one has heard from the Detective. Not that I've called him but my twin brother has. Maybe he called because of my last conversation with him - recommended he ask whether incarceration was an option, since he is really considering that an option. I know he is looking for answers.
Tuesday we had our home visit from Children Services. She said she hadn't heard from the Detective either. She knew very little about the case, but she did know there was another case pending - as she put it. That one has to do with the boy who Penelope has told me sexually abused her. But I told the Social Worker what the person who conducted the forensic interview said - about there not being enough to pursue a case, in her opinion. But that I know the tape was given to the Detective and I haven't heard anything about it. But she really wasn't interested in that case. Her purpose was twofold - to ensure that Penelope is not in a risky environment, and that services are being provided. She took down information about Penelope's family and her family history, but because she isn't allowed to see her cousins and there are no other children in our home, the first goal is satisfied. Because she is in therapy, although attachment therapy, the second goal is also met. I explained that the Detective said that if Children Services doesn't provide services, that he was going to have her charged so the courts will require Children Services to provide services. She wasn't pleased with that and originally said that he couldn't do that, but then said that it could be done but treatment and criminal charges are two separate issues. She talked about it being counterproductive for Penelope to be charged. That what she needs is therapy. But she understands where he is coming from. Penelope at on the cusp of the age where she would have to be charged with a crime. If that was to happen, she would be labeled a predator. He wants to prevent her from becoming a predator. So do we, Ms. SW, so do we. I told her that my twin brother - the father of the victims, wants her either locked up or institutionalized. At a minimum, he is considering it. She said that was unfortunate because that wouldn't do Penelope any good. That studies have shown that appropriate therapy is what is needed in these situations. I told her that, yes, Penelope is in therapy but it's attachment therapy. I asked her if she was familiar with attachment therapy and she said she was. I told her that we really haven't dealt with Penelope's sexual abuse directly - well, until the last two visits. But that they really specialize in AT, not sexual abuse. She suggested I talk to them about a referral in their organization. I explained again how they are up north, in a different county and they are only familiar with places in that area. She pulled out a list of counseling facilities that provide services in sexual abuse. She circled two that I should call if I want to. I do. I want to.
At this point, she explained that this case will remain open for 30 days, and of those 30 days 2 weeks have already passed so it will remain open for another two weeks - unless something unforeseeable occurs. I asked about long term issues - if they have any resources for respite care. She said they do but they are only for foster parents. Nice. But she said that Children's Hospital has an emergency respite care program that she will get info on for me. But what qualifies as an emergency in that situation? I'm going to kill her if you don't take her off my hands for a few hours? Sigh.... I asked about what I was suppose to do with her in the summer? I used to send her to camp but she can't be in a normal environment with normal supervision. I have already pulled her out of the after school tutoring program because it wasn't going to be enough supervision. She said that Children's Hospital has a program that is like school and is during the day and is therapeutic. But she didn't know if Penelope would qualify because it's for kids that have mental health issues as well as a juvenile delinquency record. Yeah, like Penelope needs that type of positive influence. So no real help there.
The social worker than went in Penelope's room where she was playing her DS and talked to her for a few minutes. She had told me beforehand it was to gauge any developmental lags she may have - I guess to see if I'm taking care of her. I had told her before that, that Penelope has regressed and has been acting around 6 years old with the attention span of a 2 year old. But, I guess she came across healthy enough that wasn't an issue.
I called my parents and then my twin brother about the home visit. My brother wasn't happy about the fact that Penelope is only being referred for therapy. He said he doesn't think that is going to cut it for him and his wife. He asked why Penelope couldn't go back in the hospital, like when she wanted to commit suicide. He said that she would then get therapy on a daily basis rather than just once a week. I told him that they don't provide therapy in that situation. Their purpose was to keep her safe from herself and help her get to a point where she could go home, via talking about coping skills as well as adjusting her medication. There are residential programs but I don't think they'd take her. No one has recommended that. He didn't like to hear that. He said that what I am saying is a lot of my opinion. He values my opinion in this but he just doesn't think this is going to fly the way it is. What I am hearing from him is he needs to talk to someone who deals with these things and what the best approach is. When Penelope's social worker calls, I'm going to see if she will call my brother and answer his questions. I don't know if she will be able to do that, but I can't think of who else to refer him to. I'm pretty sure Penelope's therapist holds very little credibility in his eyes.
Despite this, we are trying to keep our relationship. I am going over his house this evening to help him with his resume. I worry all the time if he hates me or blames me. I will not allow Penelope to ruin my relationship with my twin brother and his family. I worry about his wife blaming me. She looks at Penelope with even less tolerance than my brother does. And I want to see my neice and nephew and give them big hugs. I hope it goes well.
I have already called the 1st choice facility that the Social Worker recommended. I have talked to a couple people there already. They do not take private insurance, only Medicaid. I've applied for that but haven't received anything yet. They do have a sliding scale self pay system. But they need to call me back to schedule the assessment.
George called me to find out how the visit went and I told him and told him about setting up the appointment with the facility we were referred to. He didn't like the fact they don't take private insurance. He feels that is a sign that it's a type of place that..... he couldn't figure out the right words. I said "poor people go?" He said "No, no.. just..." and said "where it's not just kids that have been abused but also their parents who have issues. Those places don't have the best doctors or therapists because they don't pay very well." What he really wanted to say was that the people that go to those places are all... you know... black. I know how that ass thinks. I should have told him that Penelope's social worker is black.. and that I told her that he used to be a member of the KKK. I didn't tell her that - it wasn't relevant. And honestly I'm ashamed I'm related to someone that was. I haven't yet written in this post how I hate George. I hate George. Anyway, he said it would probably be better to get a second opinion from .... I cut him off. I said to him, "We are not back on to this second opinion crap. We are not getting a second opinion. I want her to get therapy that addresses her sexual abuse issues and I can't think of a better place than a place that specializes in treatment for abuse. I will see if it's the right place for her and if it's not I will go from there." ASS! I hate him. I already said that.
Therapy has been difficult to say the least. I talked about her last therapy session in my last post. This past session was difficult to be a part of. [WARNING: THE NEXT PART OF MY POST IS DETAILING HER LAST THERAPY SESSION AND IT DEALT WITH SEX ISSUES THAT YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ ABOUT] I debated whether I wanted to detail it or not but that the purpose of my blog is to document and share our experiences and be able to say as much as I can without disclosing identity. The last session we talked about that the two main issues we are dealing with is her lack of conscience and remorse, as well as Penelope's sex obsession. Her therapist Beth wanted to gauge how much Penelope thinks about sex. Also, we have to figure out how she can release this sexual energy in a more appropriate way. I like to think I'm an open-minded person when it comes to the topic of sex - and about how it relates to Penelope and her abuse and talking to her about it. But my open-mindedness may be more limited than I thought. Or at least, the direction we may be going may be just more than I expected.
Before Beth talked to Penelope, she talked about possible ways for Penelope to release her sexual energy in more appropriate ways. Masturbation was the topic. They said they have a client, whose mother bought her daughter a vibrator two years ago, when she was 10 years old! I took from her tone that she wasn't necessarily against the idea but it wasn't based on their recommendation. Besides being taken aback by this thought, I stated I didn't think this was a good idea for Penelope because she doesn't have discretion or boundaries and would probably end up taking it to school but also I felt like she'd end up walking around constantly excited from over stimulation. They agreed but were at a loss for ideas. At that point Beth decided it would be best to determine how obsessed Penelope is with the topic and we could go from there. I went into the viewing room and watched Beth ask Penelope questions and determine that she is very obsessed with this topic. She needs to address these feelings and also have an outlet - because if we don't give her one, she will find it on her own. Penelope's ATs pretty much made it clear this is out of their expertise. They have worked with kids who have been sexually abused but this is beyond them. They said that if our case was in their county, Children Services would refer us to a particular facility for treatment and they are sure there will be something similar in our county. Not the case it seems.
Penelope has been for the moderately well-behaved. Her attention span is almost completely gone. Her grades have gone down the toilet. She is still rather happy and is always either whistling or singing. She lies constantly - but I sometimes wonder if she really knows she is. She seems to be in fantasy world. She isn't sleeping well at all. Her meds help her fall asleep but she is restless all night long. Then she wakes up extremely moody and defiant. She has been late to school three times this month already. Hopefully she gets a detention for her tardiness. I've asked for one for her at any rate.
I know that I am not helping her get better. I am not doing the parenting techniques that I know I am suppose to. I do want her to get better, and I know how my parenting of her affects that but my tolerance for her is so short, I snap at her and yell whenever she pisses me off. I just try to get through each day the best I can. One night a few days ago, I had yelled at her. I don't remember what it was about exactly but I think it involved her getting her nightly reading done. I went to check on her about 15 minutes later and she was just laying on her bed stairing into her nightstand lamp looking pretty depressed. I asked her what is wrong. She said she was sad but she didn't know why. I knew it was because I yelled but she didn't want to admit that. So I said it. I told her that she is going to have to put up with my yelling for time time being. I am still very mad. She said "I have to put up with you yelling all the time?"I told her I don't yell all the time but yell when I didn't before. She agreed that was the case. I told her that I do love her. I told her, right or wrong, that if I didn't love her, she wouldn't be here anymore. Which is true. She seemed to get the point.
I know in my heart that I need to start parenting her the way I use to, but I have some healing to do right now too. I can only do so much. I am barely hanging on as it is. I was barely hanging on before this so I honestly have no idea how I'm still here. I try to look into the future but I just don't see one right now. I don't know what is in store for us. I don't know how we are going to get through this. I don't know if I'm capable of doing all this.

Surviving the Holidays

Penelope is surviving the holidays but so symptomatic. Worse than usual, since winter break started. I'm glad it will be over at the end of the week and she will be back in school and her normal schedule come Monday. I suspect that the first few days of school are not going to go well, but it's a hurdle to better days so we will push on.
I've been trying to plan some fun events for Penelope and I, to have structure and a schedule during this break, but I don't think I'm doing the right things. Actually, I know I am not. I'm struggling just keeping things together. Her first day of break, I tried to spring a surprise on her which backfired. I don't know what I was thinking. I think I was thinking how I had been planning it for months, originally when she was doing a lot better than she is now - and I still went through with it. She has a dear friend that she hasn't seen since the summer, and I arranged a surprise visit with lunch and a movie. Her friend hid behind the last row in my mom's SUV and popped out "Surprise!" Penelope loved it and was so excited to see her friend. She was reeling and so thankful but when lunch and the movie was over, she couldn't handle that. She wanted it to continue and it just wasn't possible. Her friend had to go home and she doesn't live nearby. The ride home and the rest of the evening, Penelope sulked and was upset.
This isn't the first time that this issue of her attitude at the end of an event or day of extreme fun ruins the entire day. Her one therapist, Carrie, calls it "Too much of heaven." Too much fun. Never enough from her perspective. It's hard because, like I said, it was something that has been in the works, coordinating with her friend and her friends mom for a while now. It's hard to see her so ungrateful, but I also know she just isn't dealing well right now with the holidays. Neither am I which is making it practically impossible to be strong enough for her.
I could tell that, even though Penelope wasn't aggressive/angry anymore, she still had a bit of anxiety and fear going on related to the letter she wrote for Harriet. I spoke to her about her feelings about the letter some more, and she was still stressing out about the letter. She knew Harriet was going to read the letter and she was afraid Harriet was going to seek revenge and do something to either her or I. She didn't know that Harriet had already seen the letter, and I hadn't yet given Penelope the presents Harriet and her mom had sent with me. Penelope didn't know about the meeting I had with them. It was enough pressure for her to just write the letter knowing that her mom was going to read it at some point in the future, let alone that next day. So I didn't want to alarm her by divulging what really went on. I waited until a few days later and told her that Beth had spoken to Harriet and read her the letter. That Harriet said she understood and she wanted to go to therapy and that Beth had offered to help her get into therapy. All that was true. Unforutnetly, Penelope didn't buy what Harriet said. She said that Harriet lied and that she is a liar and she just doesn't want Beth to know that she is going to do something bad. I used the opportunity of giving Penelope the presents as a means to let her know that Harriet wasn't mad at her for the letter and hopefully help her calm down. She seemed to calm down and agree that Harriet must not be mad at her if she sent presents but her behavior is still on high alert. So, I'm just hoping with the holidays over soon, that she can move past this. I know I need her to as much as she needs to.
Also, the few days before Christmas, Penelope went to a winter break activity program that our community set up for middle school kids. It sounded like fun, just a couple hours a day M-W. A short break for me which was nice. I scheduled it for all the available days, M-W this week and last. However, this week, I didn't let her go. I am not sure how to explain the way that Penelope socializes. I don't see it since it's not there, it's just my analysis based on what I know about her, and what she tells me and what I hear from Mrs. Brown. Penelope tends to gravitate, or attract girls who see Penelope as a project. Penelope likes the attention. She likes people fussing over her. But she has such low self-esteem, despite how she talks and acts, that she doesn't care if these kids walk all over her or talk down to her. She is okay being the baby as long as she is in charge. She manipulates them in this way, by being the center of attention - the project. Well, supposedly, there is a boy that went to the program on Tuesday that is a grade above Penelope and likes her. Penelope doesn't have an opinion one way or the other about it, but is super excited that he likes her. Don't get me wrong, this little girl is totally boy crazy. She will tell you that she has had over 25 boyfriends in her life, has "made out... with tongue and everything" and doesn't have a problem with it. She is twelve. TWELVE! Now, I'm not sure how she defines "boyfriend" because once she talked about how she was dating this particular boy for a "few hours." But, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she has "made out" with a boy. I know that she has gotten into trouble for trying to kiss a boy, has asked for kisses and things along those lines. The boys in her class are so clueless, it's my saving grace - for the meantime. However, she doesn't think anything of it. She doesn't care that it draws negative attention to her. She doesn't care she is too young - she doesn't care that she knows she is this boy crazy because she was sexually molested when she was a lot younger. She doesn't care. She likes how it makes her feel, the attention she gets. Now, you might think, "You can't keep her away whenever there is a boy that likes her" and you are right. I don't even try to guilt her or tell her boys are bad or anything like that. I know she has these feelings and I acknowledge them - I don't promote them but just listen to her tell me what is going on. But this situation is different. So there is this "older" boy who likes her. She never once said she liked or disliked him but was so excited that this boy likes her. A couple girls at the program who have taken Penelope on as a project are trying to "help" her with this boy and tell her how to wear her hair on Monday and what to wear etc. The thing is, I don't trust these little girls - sometimes Penelope picks these "helper" types that sincerely want to help Penelope. But then, she also tends to find these gaggle of girls who really don't care about Penelope and her feelings, and just want something to do that is exciting. So I could totally see this situation turn really bad with the thought "Now, they are boyfriend/girlfriend. 'I dare you too....'" type of situation. Penelope would do it. When I talked to her about the fact that you don't go out with a boy just because he likes you, she said "I wouldn't want to be rude. I don't want hurt his feelings" Yeah, that's the reassuring mentality I need to hear. "I had sex with him because I didn't want to hurt his feelings." Ugh. And I'm trying to say that Penelope is going into this whole situation niave and just caving to peer pressure - she thoroughly enjoys this stuff and I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't the initiator of any inappropriateness with the boy. She just likes to hang her hat on "I didn't want to be rude" or "They told me to." She is an expert manipulator.
So she didn't get to go to the activity program this week and we've been together 24/7 for too many days in a row. I am struggling big time. I am snapping at her, and just having an overall hard time parenting her with the right mindset.
My mother scheduled a doctor's appointment for me, concerned about my extreme depression and some other medical issues. She scheduled me with her doctor and made some payment arrangement with them. She prescribed some anti-depressants and is doing bloodwork on the rest of the stuff. My mom had let her in on why I am depressed. She wanted to talk about that and even though I promised myself I wouldn't cry, I sobbed. I couldn't help it. She talked about how I need to be a role-model for Penelope and take care of myself. Not let Penelope be an excuse for not taking care of myself. I don't consider her an excuse but I definitely feel like it takes every ounce of energy to take care of her, and I being second, there isn't anything left for me. But I know, I KNOW, I know that if I take care of myself better it will be easier to take care of Penelope. I think I've crossed that line where is not possible to turn back without significant help. Penelope bounces back from her downturns. I just stay here, and then when she has another downturn, I sink deeper into my own hole.
I had a really long talk a couple of days ago with Penelope's tutor who is so awesome. I consider her my friend and I wish I was a better friend. I tend to blow off or alienate my friends. I just don't want to burden them with my problems and I am utterly consumed with them. And because my brain doesn't work properly these days, and there is a holiday or some break in routine, it throws me off and I ended up missing a tutoring session. She calls and I can't call her back because I feel so bad about it. It's stupid I know. And she is understanding about it, but I still feel bad. I know she has a hard time with the holidays too for other reasons, and I wish I could be there for her as much as she has been there for me, but I am spent - my brain is mush so when I go to reach for something appropriate to say I end up saying "oh.. um.." I care for her alot and she loves Penelope and I am so happy we met her.
My dad is also wonderful. I think I'm the only one in my family who thinks that, and maybe that's just the father/daughter thing - but I just know that I don't know where I'd be, where Penelope would be without him. He told me he is going to save my house for me. It's going to be expensive but he is going to figure it out. He says that we have put too much into it, to let it go. Penelope needs to stay in the school she is in because she has such a great support system there - and she does. It's taken several years to build the relationship with the school that we have and Penelope wouldn't cope well starting over somewhere else.
Speaking of father/daughter relationships - Penelope got to spend Christmas with George. It was planned that way, and she for the most part did well. She split her time between her dad and her cousins. But at the end of the day, she totally went into little girl - mode and tried to take care of her dad, offering to get him things, wanting to sit on his lap, then eventually laying on him. He didn't try to stop it, and promoted the behavior by asking her to do things for him and telling her "Daddy has a comfy lap, doesn't he?" Yeah... I was very uncomfortable with this and got her to go take her desert plate to the kitchen sink. He used that opportunity to get up and get ready to leave - since he should have left 30 minutes earlier based on the fact he had to be somewhere and was going to be late at this point.
I talked to him at length yesterday about the whole thing, trying to keep things positive and productive. I started by telling him about Penelope's issue with the boy at the winter program and her attitude towards boys and how he could help in that department by building a healthy father/daughter relationship with her because girls tend to go into relationships with boys based on things they have learned through their relationship with their father. Respect, self-esteem, boundaries, etc. I asked him if he understood what I was talking about. He said he did, but he didn't necessarily agree. Of course not, he'd hate to think Penelope would have adopted the same mentality she has taken with her Daddy "I didn't want to hurt his feelings (and be rejected)" and it end up possibly being his fault.
I talked to him about the visit on Christmas and how overall it was good, with that "glitch" and how I take that as the visit was too long and Penelope wasn't strong enough to keep up the boundaries and let it slip back into the old type of relationship that itsn't healthy etc. He agreed but when I talked to him about his part in it, he was full of excuses. I told him that some of these things in a normal situation wouldn't be any issue, but being in a place where the relationship was unhealthy and trying to rebuild it requires more defined boundaries. He admitted that it did make him uncomfortable to have her sitting on his lap and lay back on him. I said "Good! So you felt that boundary being crossed. But why didn't you say anything?" He said, "I was trying to think of something to say but then you said that thing about taking the plate to the kitchen before I had a chance to." I had to think about that but I called him on his BS. When I walked into the room, he was sitting on the floor leaning back with his upper back against a sofa watching TV. Penelope was kneeling between his legs. I was thinking "Um, okay.. what is going on" but I just stood there and waited to see what was next. My Dad and other brother were also in the room watching TV. They tend to stay out of these things and let me be the bearer of bad news. A few seconds later, George and Penelope positioned themselves where Penelope is sitting in his lap and laying back against him. I still didn't say anything but not liking it. Penelope said "You are a comfy chair." George said "Daddy does have a compfy lap, doesn't he?" and she said "Daddy has always had a compfy lap." At that point, I wanted to end it and came up with the plate bit. He was quiet, he knew I was telling the truth about what went down and the timeline. He had plenty of opportunity to stop it but instead decided he'd rather tell her that he liked it by making the comment he did. But, again, trying to keep things positive, I told him that they both have a lot of work to do and it's work in progress and that I see it as a learning opportunity. He said he didn't know what to say to her. I told him I didn't see anything wrong with him just being straightforward and telling her something like "I don't think this is a good idea for helping us have a good relationship. I want that for us." etc or whatever was more natural for him. He said he doesn't want to have her feel rejected. This is the thing - George likes to hang his hat on this excuse. I do believe he wants her to not feel rejected, but it's all about the delivery. But telling her "No" in these types of situations goes against his need to put himself first and get those warm and fuzzies he gets when Penelope lays on top of him. Or treats him like the king he wants to be and she falls back into that Queen role, taking care of her king. It's the relationship he prefers. She knows no other relationship.
My twin brother told me that he had spoken to George since my conversation, and that George was all pissed about how I had a problem with what happened on Christmas and tried to make the excuses with him, even though I had shut them down. He blamed Penelope wanting to act that way and he didn't want to reject her or hurt her feelings. So I just feel like George, again, is fighting any accountability or acknowledging that his actions have any power over how Penelope can heal because in order to do that, he has to admit that his actions also had hurt her. He feels that he should be able to do whatever he wants, and all Penelope's problems are due to her "illness caused by her mother." I wish he'd get his head out of his butt.
I had already made the decision to put Penelope on birth control but that's going to prevent only one problem - significant as that one may be, but not a slew of others.
But, we are spending New Years' with my mom and going to do girl stuff. My dad is out of town at a football game with a bunch of his buddies.