George and Penelope have emailed back and forth twice this past week, as that had been approved. It takes each of them several days to conjure up a 3 or 4 sentence email to eachother. George's emails are fairly simple. "How was your weekend? I hope your summer is going well." That kind of stuff. Well, shoot, that's almost a whole email. His second email was somewhat ending the conversation. You know, no questions - well wishing "I hope you have a good summer" to be exact. I debated telling him as much. That I don't think it will prompt a response but I figured I'd let it play out. Penelope didn't respond and he wanted to know why. I told him and he said "I don't know what to write."
Penelope struggles with writing him because she has so many mixed emotions. I think she is handling her emotions okay even though over the week she has become more anxious and hyper and has been baby talking here and there. But that can also be linked to the fact her birthday is only a few days away at this point. Last year she was a complete spaz, bouncing off the walls hyper. But if it wasn't her birthday, George wouldn't be pushing to talk/see her.
Harriet has been emailing me more frequent due to Penelope's birthday. Her last email she wrote that every year she makes a cake and sings Happy Birthday. I don't know what to think about that. Part of me thinks it's sad and part of me thinks she is lying. I think she wants me to feel sorry for her. I do look for it inside me, but can't find that emotion for her. George accuses me of "falling for her crap" because I said that Harriet is mentally ill and isn't capable of doing the things she needs to do. He believes she is just lazy and selfish and has intentionally hurt Penelope. I think Harriet is selfish, but in the same regard Penelope is selfish. It's just where there head is because of the way their brain works. I'm trying not to hate Harriet. Hate is not a healthy emotion. I don't want to see her or hear her voice, but I also don't want to hate her either. I don't want to hate George either but he begs to be hated it seems.
Last night it was Penelope's turn to email back George. He had sent an email a couple of days before and she hadn't responded, so I had to talk to her about it. Just even talking to her about it drew out some major anxiety. She was pretty hyper last night. Not mean, maybe a little aggressive but just loud and fast talking and a little giggly. Papaw took her out to the golf course to hit a few balls. She has found that she is pretty good at golf. Not quite Papaw's prodigy but something they have in common and like the only thing that Penelope and Grandma can do together and have fun and no mean words. I think golf is one of the most emotionally challenging sports. Anyway, when I talked to Penelope I had already heard that she is having a hard time emailing him back because she is afraid of saying or doing something that would make him take off. I asked her why she felt that way. She said "Because that's what happens." I reassured her that wasn't going to happen with George. I feel pretty confident to say that since George is the one I couldn't make go away if I wanted to. She then elaborated that she knows that she didn't do anything to cause them to do the things they have done, but "what if" she did? And we are all just wrong? And if we are wrong, what if she did something to cause her Dad to go away too. In one breath she says about how she wants to see him and talk to him but then in another breath why is he doing this to her? Emailing her out of the blue when she isn't ready.... And see I can't tell him this because he will want to "fix it" feeling that seeing her and telling her will fix it.
Just like she thinks she has had the power to make either of them do anything (like leave), he thinks his words have enough power to make them believable and that she will accept them at full value and all her problems will go away at his say so.
It's a complex situation and she has such a complex mind. On one hand it's so easy to say "Penelope, there is nothing you did or could have done to cause your parents to do what they have done. No child makes their parents make decisions, not even you." Papaw pointed out that she was only two years old, still in diapers, when Harriet left. Of course she didn't cause that!" But then this child endured her step mother beating her and blaming her for everything that went wrong in her marriage to George and eventually kicking them both out because of Harriet. Then on top of that, being disowned by Aunt, Uncle and cousins for sexually assaulting her cousins. Her actions were a direct cause of that abandonment. I'm not saying they are wrong, but just how it's a repetition in Penelope's life and here I am saying "You didn't do anything to cause your parents to do the things they have done." I probably wouldn't believe me either if I were in her shoes. Well, food for fodder at this evening attachment therapy session.
Trying to figure out what to do for Penelope's birthday. This will be her first year with no friends coming to any birthday party. So it will be Penelope, myself, Papaw and Grandma. We were thinking about going to the Indianapolis Children's Museum but Papaw has a golf tournament and Indianapolis is an all day trip. So must stay local.
For Sunday, I signed Penelope and I up to be in a Gay Pride Parade with a bunch of people from my Non-Profit Org I work for that supports diversity/inclusion. It will be the first time my boss gets to meet Penelope. She is also bringing her daughter, who is 22 I believe. But from what I've told her of Penelope, she thinks will get along great. Penelope is into Japanese anime and culture and my boss' daughter cooped or interned in Japan and is planning on moving to China this fall and I know Penelope will be highly impressed with that. Penelope doesn't know yet we are doing this Parade. I told her about it earlier in the week and she was hesitant about it. She doesn't want to appear gay. I can appreciate that. I don't want to either but I think those are feeling that are not justifiable that we need to overcome. I think we are going to have a blast. I heard that 3 VPs are going to be there, besides wearing our org t-shirts, we are getting feather boas.
