Penelope is doing okay, for starters. It's summer and she is spending a lot of time with her Papaw, which is what she wanted. She is actually getting along with her Grandmother better now. But it's not structured enough for her so I'm still trying to tie down the details. She gets bored easily but then gets too engrossed in her anime or computer games and doesn't want to go to the pool, or go anywhere. Her big picture goals conflict with her small picture goals for the summer. Have fun doing a lot of stuff but don't go anywhere. Hmm.. not sure how that works.
The big issue I'm dealing with right now is that her Dad, George has threatened to get an attorney if he doesn't get to see her. A couple of months ago we tried communications via email. It went really bad. His initial email was okay - asked about school and how she was doing, didn't really say anything - probably could have used some positive messages. She responded to him telling her about the boy she liked and how hot he is and how he plays in a metal band. It was odd how 90% of her email was about this boy. Within a couple of hours, she spiraled into a complete meltdown becoming violent and overwhelmed with her emotions. She wasn't mad about any particular issue but just anything and everything - like sensory overload. George emailed her back but I intercepted it before she saw it. It was inappropriate and would have made the situation worse.
"So has (me)
He has issue with calling me Mom. Won't do it. He claims it just because I'm not his Mom so why would he call me Mom? yeah right.. but that wasn't a big deal to me.
I tried to explain to him why this email was bad but he was upset that I wouldn't let her read it. He didn't see anything wrong with it. I gave up and said we'd have to try again at a later time. He wants someone to give him a Do's and Don'ts List. It's just not possible to think of everything. And he is a very black/white thinker. If you don't tell him something is a certain way than he can just do whatever he wants right or wrong.
It's been 3 months and Penelope is out of school so we wanted to consider emails again. But see, Penelope's birthday is coming up and he wants to see her. Emails are not good enough for him this time. I tried diverting it to "the professionals" because my opinion doesn't matter in his eyes. But he is very impatient and was calling both my parents (not me by the way) pushing pushing pushing to get an answer. My mom kept telling me to call/email him. I ended up emailing him one morning before work. In that email, I told him that I think we need to stick to trying to email again and work from there. In my email I said, "I know you struggle with writing the right or wrong thing. Hopefully someday you will figure out what that is. It's hard to make you a Do's and Don't list - hard to do a complete list, like you want. But I agree it's probably something you need. Based on your first attempt, I can tell you that throwing me under the bus was a huge no no, and the fact you did it just shows you can't be given this ability without huge oversight. I don't know if you understand why it was so bad. I've tried to educate you on the way Penelope thinks so many times. Her therapy happens in the home. For a child with RAD to heal, they first have to bond with their primary caretaker before they can bond with anyone else. That's me. That's through every interaction I have with her. All other relationships in this child's life are substantially lower of a priority. The reason why is it will interfere with building the bond with the primary caretaker. The rest of her healing is based off that bond. Without that bond, she will NOT heal. Without that bond, she WILL be miserable. She WILL end up in jail. She WILL end up ruining her life. This is the reason I'm Mom, not Auntie. This is the reason that I've had to sacrifice so much. Because she tests this bond on a regular basis, less than before but it's always being tested. So when her father, because of his own need to feel superior to his sister who threatens his position as patriarch, throws her under the bus as a "joke" sends the message to his daughter "You know your Mom, who has been the rock you've needed to weather this whole storm? Well, you shouldn't think so highly of her, because I could come in and knock her down and turn your world upside down. So don't trust her. Because you need to prepare for when I do that - so distance yourself from her, push her away, and start being your own boss again - or you'll die." You probably think I'm being dramatic but I'm not. This is how she thinks, regardless of what you meant. You make her feel like she has to choose when you say things like that. Unfortunately, just talking to her in any form makes her feel like that - because you have put her in the position to make a choice so many times before. So doing that only reinforces it when you should be sending messages to counteract it. You should be saying things supporting the fact she is with me, things saying how great I am - sending her that message. Which you can't do because you need her to choose you. You want her to choose you because of your own needs. You need her to say "Daddy, you are still #1" and it's not what she needs."
And by the way, I wasn't a big New Kids on the Block fan. Someone invited me to their concert before I had even heard of them, her Mom bought me a poster which my Mom insisted it be hung in a poster frame on my wall. Someone gave me a T-shirt that Christmas I would only wear to bed because I wouldn't have been seen dead in public in it. Oh, and during my late teens early 20s I listened to alternative metal, wore purple Docs and participated in my share of mosh pits but whatever!
I made sure to have my email approved by my Mom, who insisted on the email because she still held out hope that he would understand if someone would just tell him. But communication is a two way street - someone giving information and someone else receiving it. I give it, but it goes on deaf ears.
My email offered to assist him in his emails with Penelope.... to an extent. I can't create him to be who he isn't. That has been part of the problem in the past - this view of George that is fantasy. But I am trying to recognize that he sticks his foot in his mouth because he doesn't think beyond himself but (I'm hoping).
Anyway, he was not happy with the news that we were good for email but not face to face. He didn't say anything to me, or respond to my email at all. The next day he was with our Dad and brought it up and went off about how wrong it is he can't see his daughter, that's it has been 3 years since he has seen her and someone gave him the name of a "child advocate attorney" to call. My Dad blew up at him.
First, it's only been barely 1 1/2 years since he has seen Penelope. It's taken her almost that entire time to get to some sense of normalcy since she sexually abused her cousins, which was shortly after seeing him at Christmas 2009. Last summer was hell with flashbacks and violent episodes and total meltdowns and psychotic behaviors. Then the school year was better but she barely made it through, only with the patience of her teachers. She basically gave up that last quarter. I don't know the right answer to this.. Penelope has so much work to do on herself that throwing in the complexities of her Dad is unrealistic - but then on the other side, she is growing up. All this doesn't happen with her staying the same. So it's a true loss of time that they won't ever get back. But I don't know how much I care or should care about that.
Secondly, an attorney? That made my dad go nuts. With everything they have given up and the money that has been drained from them due to the abuse their granddaughter has endured, he is going to force them to spend more because he wants to bring an attorney into this and force visitation against recommendations? And then there is their supporting HIM. We all have in one way or another. But he is living in a house my parents own, with his girlfriend who doesn't work either, and supposedly her daughter. Even though his girlfriend's children were being raised by her father, because she "made some bad decisions" herself, her dad has let the daughter stay with them - I believe for just the summer. He could barely afford himself, but now he is supporting them and constantly needing money. Plus the $5,000 bond money they put for him so he isn't currently sitting in jail for his felony charges due to biker gang activities he partook in. And so many other things. I have helped him, against my better judgement, with his legal and insurance claim problems over the last several years. I drove him to all his doctor's and therapy appointments for his workers' comp injury as well as end up spending most of those days driving him around so he can do all his errands - and he always had a ton of them! For someone with little money he was always shopping. His girlfriend couldn't drive him, when she came into the picture, because she has phobias from a bad car accident. After his second wife kicked him out, he lived with me and ate all my food and trashed my house and made both Penelope and my life miserable... And now he is going to get an attorney against us.
He is trying to say that this attorney is not an attorney to sue but will be evaluating Penelope's best interests and determining if he gets to see her. My dad pointed out to him that the only thing an attorney can do is take us to court. My point is, that is what her TWO separate and distinctive therapists are for. They are the professionals you rely on. But he wants a THIRD opinion. He wants Penelope to see his therapist who has already expressed that she doesn't have any expeirence working with RAD "but I read up on it" and feels that the reason Penelope gets violent after seeing her Dad is because she doesn't see him frequently enough - even though she has never met Penelope and only knows what George has told her. I DON'T THINK SO.
My Dad, in so many words, told him that if he had to sell everything he owns to raise the money, he will hire an attorney and "bury" him. And that isn't including that he will be evicted and disowned. But George's response is that he already feels disowned so what's the difference. Which of course was devastating to my parents because of all they have done and still do for him. My mom wanted me to call him Monday night - so I did.
We ended up being on the phone from 10 PM until 1:30 AM. He wanted to rehash every...single... issue.. we've ever had. Basically having the a collection of every conversation we've had over the last several years. I know it was for his girlfriend's benefit. She kept chiming in. I am not one of those people on Jerry Springer. I'm not going to be antagonized like that.
These are the main pieces of the conversation. And I'm telling you what he told me, not just opinion. Any opinion I put in here I will put in ( ).
- He has talked to all his friends and have come to the conclusion that there is no reason why he shouldn't see or have been a part of her life. Actually not just a part but the decision maker. Even though he doesn't want custody of her, because he lives in a mostly black school district, he wants to be the primary caretaker but have her live with me. He feels that because he is her father, he can provide her with what she needs.
- He didn't do anything wrong or abusive . He doesn't feel that his relationship with Penelope after Harriet left as inappropriate. He feels that they needed each other and and they leaned on eachother. She slept in his bed to be closer, because of their special bond. Harriet didn't just live Penelope but him as well and they only had each other and even though most of it probably went over her head, telling her about his feelings helped them bond. (Seriously, this wasn't manipulative and emotionally damaging? Especially when you couple that with the extreme yelling when she did any little thing wrong... as well as her fears of being abandoned. And he won't even address the neglect. The condition of his home with bug infestation and rotting dead animals, or his care for her which consisted of pawning her off to other people who didn't do any better than himself.)
- He asked questions that that I don't know the answers to (and even if I did, my opinion doesn't matter.) I told him he needs to talk to Penelope's therapist (but then honestly I don't think he will listen to her either.) He wants to but he is mad at her because he claims they lied to him. At the end of last summer, he said that he was told that he'd get to see Penelope like 2 weeks after school let out for the summer. But he didn't. I remember Penelope going through a lot of flashbacks and fantasy world and meltdowns towards the end of school and it didn't get much better until the end of summer. When I brought up that things changed he said that no one told him that could happen. He was lied to.
- At one point he wanted to rehash why it was decided that he would see her less. I reminded him that it was a family/therapy decision right after she started therapy after she was released from her 2nd hospital stay. He "wanted me to know" that Penelope really wasn't going to commit suicide. She was acting out, for attention. People that really plan to kill themselves don't talk about it, they just do it. There was no need for her to have gone to the hospital. He said that Harriet used to "try" to kill herself by making small cuts on her wrists and show him. And he would tell her "You are doing it wrong. You have to cut lengthwise for it to work" as a way to call her out on her fake attempts. But he was upset that I didn't call him to come over and calm her down. Instead I called Papaw. He doesn't understand that Penelope was a freaking mess when he lived there and actually became calmer after he left. He was a trigger for her. I said why would I want him to come over? But then he told me that Penelope only acted that way to pit us against each other. (Which is total BS. He was the one who was constantly putting her in the middle and making her cry allll the time. She hated when we fought. He was the instigator, constantly poking the flames, trying to get me to blow up at him. I became so crazed in that situation, watching him make her cry on a daily basis, dealing with her meltdowns and fears and extreme emotions, worried about leaving her with him to the point I couldn't leave my house or sleep.)
- He also kept bringing up that Penelope "needs to know" that you have to work at a marriage. The reason he tried to go back to his second wife is because of his vow to her (even though she verbally, emotionally and physically beat Penelope). That you can't just give up when it turns out to not be perfect. When "something goes wrong", you work through it. He said "She'll understand when she is older." I asked "So I need to make sure that if Penelope marries someone that beats her, she needs to work it out?" He said "No, not if he abuses her." I said "So it's okay then for one of the parents abuses the kids." He said "No, but I don't believe Penelope was abused. Well, I think Debbie verbally abused her but didn't physically abuse her like she said. I mean, I know of one time but she felt really bad about that." But then started talking about all the things Debbie did to him. (See he doesn't want to talk about the abuse Debbie did inflict.. yes it's hard to prove the physical abuse but everything else Penelope has accused her of has come true. The emotional abuse she inflicted holding her responsible for her marriage problems and making her admit to turning her into to CPS as a means to kick her out of the house, even though no one called CPS and then listen to Debbie tell her Dad she didn't want a daughter etc.) I pointed out how scared Penelope was after she moved back. She was having nightmares almost every night of being murdered, kidnapped, abandoned and end of world stuff. Lots of tears, not sad tears but extreme fear/anxiety. Wetting the bed etc. He admitted that it could of happened but how was he suppose to know, he was on the road. (He feels all her abuse that she has sustain, the parts he is willing to admit to, which is all the ones that he can't be directly linked to. But everything else is a result of the fact that things happen.)
- He wants to talk to her every day so he can fix her problems. He actually said that. He wants to know what he needs to do so he can fix her. I told him that he can't do it, she has to do it and he has to be patient. I told him again about the primary caretaker role and therapy is through the daily interaction. That's why I'm Mom, not Aunt. He was upset because he feels replaced. He wants to know why he can't be the Mom/primary caretaker role. He thinks he can do it without without having to physically be there. Just be her coach and tell her what to do and tell me what to do for her (instead of me making these decisions and going to therapy with her and you know... EVERYTHING.) He is afraid I'm going to bring someone in to be her Dad since I am Mom. I told him he is Dad and he hasn't been replaced.
- My mom had told George about a transaction that she had with Penelope where Penelope was justifying why she was eating a midnight snack - that her and Dad always had midnight snacks. My mom asked Penelope if she wanted to live with her Dad and she said No. His response to her is "What was good enough for me, is good enough for Penelope." And then told story about how when he was in diapers, he had gotten out of the house and wondered down the street and a neighbor picked him up and took him to the mall 20 minutes away and she didn't even know about it. He said that our Dad told him that. George said that Mom was like "I don't remember, but I don't remember a lot of things..."(Found out later through talking to both my parents, he did try to claim that when talking to our Mom but she adamantly denied it and Dad said he never told him such a thing. It never happened.) Then, while George was crying, he wanted to know what bad things she was told about him to make her think it's better for her to live with me instead of him. I told him "Isn't that the message we have been telling her though? The reason why she live with Mom/Aunt is because it's better for her?" He knows that but never wanted her to believe it. He wouldn't admit it now but he admitted it once that he would tell her how someday she was going to move back with him behind my back, which stopped when he stopped seeing her.
- He also said that Penelope's therapists, and our Dad, all agree that Penelope would deal better with her Dad if she started seeing him and on a more frequent basis (like his therapist thinks.) I have verified with the therapists and my Dad that no such thing was said or would have been said.
So, I emailed Penelope's therapist. George said he needs to hear from her within the week or he is calling the attorney. I'm guessing he is going to call the attorney anyway.
