New things

Penelope and I are doing fairly well. It really depends on the issue. From a school standpoint, Penelope is mentally done with school. Dug her heals in and they are planted with no successful efforts to get her to move forward. We actually had an interesting conversation about two weeks ago regarding school. I've since learned it's not as dire as she felt at the time of the discussion - right AFTER attachment therapy, but it was a little alarming and depressing. It definitely had me in the dumps for a couple of days. She said she is purposefully failing her classes to send a message to her teachers to get off her back. She doesn't want to do any homework. I thought if she stayed after school everyday and did it there it would help her mentally deal with this responsibility. Not so much. Her grades are still poor. There were also incentives beyond getting a good grade, but that didn't do it for her. She talked about a boy in her Content Support Class (all IEP kids) who doesn't have to take all his classes. I suspect he is mentally disabled based on what she said. I told her that each child has different needs. She said "I know I'm smart (which used to not be the case) but I just don't want to do it. Just because I'm smart doesn't mean I have to. I don't HAVE to go to college." I struggle with can't and won't here. Motivation is such an issue here. She told me that she only wants to do what she wants to do and nothing else. She went on about how she doesn't have anything. When I disagreed with her on that, she clarified to say that she doesn't have anything that hasn't been given to her as a present or whatever, or that is really mine. She went on to talk about another boy in her class who has a job and earns money. He uses that money to buy things for himself. I asked her "Do you want a job?" She said "No. I just want to have those things." UGH. I told her that I understood everything that she said and can see that she is overwhelmed and frustrated. But I asked her "Penelope, what is it that you want? What do you want out of life?" She said "I just want to sit in front of a TV and not do anything or go anywhere. No school, no going out, just sit at home." Sounded like a very depressed kid to me. She complained about Grandma still living with us. She complained about not seeing Papaw very often. (However, I arranged for her to go to Papaw's this weekend and she didn't want to go.) I called him right then and arranged for her and I to spend the weekend at Papaw's without Grandma. It was good for her. But the rest of it. Just don't know how to help lift her up. We had decided to back off on attachment therapy to every other week. At first I thought it wasn't going to work - at least for me. I need that support. But I've adjusted now. We have stopped with Trauma therapy for now. It was too far and few between to be effective. I want to look into Neurological Reorganization. Penelope's attachment therapist knows of someone, of course just down the street from her office - which is an hour plus from home. But I think talk therapy is starting to become obsolete for Penelope. My hope is if we do this NR therapy that she be more pliable to EMDR and attachment therapy. It makes sense to me in my head but who knows.
Penelope is having some successes though. She signed up and tried out for cheerleading. Making the squad didn't happen, so that wasn't the success but the fact she put herself out there. I'm so proud of her! She was so nervous about it for the last few weeks and the Clinic started this past Monday. There were 25 girls for 8 spaces. She felt she was the worst of the group, BUT STILL KEPT GOING. Now it would have been nice if she had tried to practice before the try-outs besides during the clinics but that would have been the only thing she fell short on. She went through with the try-out that Thursday and handled the disappointment of not making it very well. She wants to do martial arts now that she didn't make cheerleading, which was recommended by her attachment therapist.
I've spoken to both her parents since the last post. I just conversed Harriet today. She hadn't sent her usual random "How's Penelope" email and I thought it would be a good move to update her without asking this time. When there is a lag in her follow ups to me that are over a month like this time, it makes me worry a little bit. She responded with how busy she has been and that she has some new health issues. The last couple of times we talked, she was having all her teeth removed because they were rotten and infected. She is waiting for everything to heal so she can get her dentures. Now she has to have a biopsy as she has a cyst on each ovary and a lump on one of them. She said her Aunt died of ovarian cancer. I'm not sure how serious her situation is this time, but it made me start to think about the likelihood Harriet will still be around when Penelope is ready to be reunited with her. Penelope would prefer never to see her birth mother again but what if she dies? The damage she has done to her body and her lifestyle, regardless that she is only in her early 30s, doesn't speak to a long life. Same with her father. He's a walking time-bomb. George wants to start talking to Penelope via email. The last time he emailed her she had a pretty bad reaction, and then his response to her response was very inappropriate - which I deleted before she could read it and put the emailing on hold. It all went down in a 12 hour period. He wants to start back up again. But he "instructed" me to have her therapist call him to discuss the dos and don't he needs to keep in mind when emailing her. Because something as simple as that is outside his capabilities. He also wants to "instruct" the therapist to make sure Penelope doesn't lie to him about dating a boy she really isn't dating. As I've posted about before, she fantasized that she was this boy's girlfriend and had everyone thinking as much by her stories and her behavior. She liked that life better than her real one so escaped into it. But see, he isn't seeing that. He is seeing the lie his daughter told him. What do you think? You think maybe he doesn't get it? Still? I relayed the information to the therapist as "instructed" and she said she would put it on her to do list but to let him know not to hold his breath. Honestly I haven't talked to him since my meeting with the attachment therapist. I came home that day and found out that he still belongs to that out-law biker gang that he was with when he got arrested and went to jail. My mother found out and called him and chewed him out. When my Mom told me, I couldn't help but laugh. I'm disappointed of course but how can we be shocked? This is what he does.
The downside to this is that Penelope was in the vicinity when her Grandmother was yelling at her father. Penelope picked up enough to know the right questioned to ask, but not enough to understand that Grandma has a legitimate beef with her father. So of course, Penelope was mad at Grandma for yelling at her dad. And of course, Grandma should have known better to have the conversation in ear shot of Penelope. But the cat is out of the bag. And my perspective is, if you don't want your daughter to know about it, than it's probably not something you should be doing. So, I had to sit down Penelope and explain to her how her Dad belongs to this gang and they broke the law and Dad was arrested and went to jail, and is now out on bond and what that means. That his bike was stolen and a portion of the money he received went to pay for his lawyer. She knew he nolonger had his bike - I told her after a few times of her hearing a loud motorcycle near the house and getting upset it might be her dad. But after knowing why he doesn't have his bike, SHE even suspected the bike wasn't stolen. Sad... but what a smart kid. All this news saddened her of course. She said "So my dad belongs to a gang..." I said "Yes." She said "He is so stupid!" I didn't respond.. She said "He used to belong to a gang, out in Indiana. That's why he was always with and I was always at 's house." I asked her if she knew anything about that group. She said she didn't. But she knew he belonged to it. What she is talking about is the K*K*K. His friend that she was talking about lived with George and Penelope. We didn't know that at the time. He is the older brother to the teenager who raped Penelope when she was 6 years old.
A brighter note... This week I should technically be an employee of the non-profit agency I've been working with. My boss loves me and tells me so on a regular basis.It's always good to get compliments, especially when you go through the emotional battles we do at home. But with that official status I will be getting a raise. So excited about that too. Broke right now but excited about the future!

Visit with niece and nephew

A couple weekends ago, I received a call from my twin brother saying that my nephew had been asking about me. So cute. He said "I haven't seen her in days!!!" It had actually been 3 weeks. But he's 6 so "days" is pretty accurate. It warmed my heart. I did make a promise to him to spend time with him. Sometimes it's the only way to get out of their house without a child wrapped around your leg! I definitely feel like a superstar at their house. Not so much at my house. haha. Anyway, I made arrangements to have Penelope and my Mom go stay at my parent's house for an overnight so I could have my niece and nephew over. I had talked to my brother about it in the past. The kids wanted to see my new place but with not being able to see Penelope, it's never happened. The only requirement was that I had to "get rid of Penelope" in that I had to remove all pictures of her, anything that would remind the kids of Penelope and put it in her room and then lock her bedroom door so the kids couldn't get in there. I understand. They don't want to trigger any deep seeded trauma from Penelope's sexual assualt.
The thing is, after this visit, I really don't know if that's possible. First of all, they were happy little buggers the entire time. well, excluding when they fought over how they wanted to divide my time between the two of them when they didn't want to do the same thing. We made pizza, watched a movie, played games and did crafts. But almost the entire time they had questions about Penelope. First, I have to navigate the lies my brother and his wife told their kids about Penelope. I first learned about the lie a few months ago when being interrogated by my just turned 4 niece who of course assumed it was true and I already knew that Penelope lived at a "camp" (residential care facility or jail depending on what their parent's definition actually is) and not with me. So they wanted to know where I keep Penelope's things now? When do I get to see her? How long is she going to be at the camp? When are they going to get to see her? Where is she right now? (That was based on the fact I didn't pick up on the lie right away and had answered a question -months ago mind you - that I do see her everyday.) I tried to answer their questions honestly but without breaking the undisclosed rule of telling them the truth. My nephew asked "Where is Penelope right now?" I said "She is at Grandma and Papaw's house." He said "She is? That is so wierd! Whenever I go there, she is never there!" But, I try to re-direct them to their parents for answers. That's what I've been told to do. Not discuss it with them but to re-direct it. But that's the problem. Their parents won't answer any of their questions either. They feel that they are young enough you can talk these circles around them and they will forget. They want these kids to forget Penelope ever existed. If she doesn't exist, it never happened, If it never happened, than my brother didn't fail his kids by not protecting them and allowing them to be hurt. That is what is going on here. I get it, I do. I think I grieved my brother's pain as much as I grieved for my niece and nephew. He was the one watching the kids when it happened.
Not during this time, but the time prior to that, my nephew asked me "How old will I be when I get to see Penelope again? Will I be 6 still? Maybe 7? Maybe I will be 10. What will I look like when I am 10? I guess like a 10 year old." It broke my heart.
These kids know something is big time wrong and it revolves around Penelope but they don't know what it is. And they are full of innocent questions.
I talked to Penelope's therapist about it. Just because it really bothers me. I love my niece and nephew just as much as I love Penelope. As I told my brother once, I would do the same thing for either one of them I have done for Penelope. I am worried how this is affecting them. She was saddened by what I told her and feels that what they are doing could be more harmful than what Penelope did. "Dishonestly will lead to dissension" she said. They don't see what Penelope did as traumatic. They only know the Penelope that is their cousin who they loved and adored - and still do. And now, no one wants to talk about her to them. I told her that my brother said that their intentions are that the kids never see Penelope again "in case I never made it clear to you." Penelope's therapist and I both feel that is just really sad because it doesn't have to be that way. She feels the hangup is the parent's hangup and they are inflicting it on their kids. I'm not saying trust Penelope around the kids without an adult present in the room watching what the kids are doing. I will never trust Penelope at that level again - just in case. But is this better for kids? Do they need to go through the loss of their cousin? If so, then they need closure. She recommended that the kids write goodbye letters. But really, would that do it? Penelope is not dead.