Multigenerational Trauma

As it's summer, Penelope is staying with her grandparents again. Each year gets better and better as she gets older, gets farther in her healing, and takes more accountability in her life. Her RAD and PTSD will probably never allow for a smooth summer but the other challenge is my mother.
Unlike how I approach Penelope, with learning opportunities and faith that she will continue to grow and heal, Grandma is a lesson for me in patience and tolerance and evaluating if my actions will result in a positive outcome. In other words, I pick my battles and try to minimize the chaos the best I can. It is just really hard when it involves your child.
Last Tuesday, my mother had a dentist appointment late morning. My father had committed to my twin brother B, to drive him to a post surgical doctor's appointment. If Penelope was left home, she would have been home alone about 2 hours. She has done that many times this past year, no problem. But my mother insisted she go with her when it was time to leave.
You may think "What's the big deal? She should go." I'd agree under normal circumstances. But my mother insisted, telling Penelope she didn't trust her to stay home. She would take her to lunch afterward. Now if you know my Mom, this is really about her wanting to have someone to go out to eat with. She loves to do it and jumps at the chance whenever my Dad is preoccupied like that day. (He likes to keep a tight reign on the purse strings.)
You might still be saying, "It's still not a big deal. So she is putting Penelope down, saying she can't be trusted, as an excuse to make her eat lunch with her. Penelope gets a nice lunch out for her troubles." Again, I agree. Not a big fan of the apparent lie/put-down but could still tolerate it. But again, this is not a normal circumstance.
My mother's dental hygienist is my sister-in-law, the mother of Penelope's cousins she sexually abused. She didn't tell Penelope that was where they were going until they were halfway there. And my SIL didn't know either.
It's been 3 1/2 years since the incident and Penelope has been all but erased from their family. When the kids all about her, the conversation is redirected. My SIL has forgiven her in her heart, she knows of Penelope's past and mental health issues, but can't let her around her family. My brother B carries even more burden because he was in charge that night, and still has a ways before he will ever forgive her. The kids have not shown any signs of trauma other than missing their older cousin. Holidays and family gathering are always seperate or without Penelope and I. Well, I'm invited but how does that happen? Penelope is far from the same person and carries a ton of guilt on the issue.
With those facts, one would think that my mother would know better than to take Penelope to the dentist with her. There are two versions of what transpired in the car.
Penelope's version: Grandma told her where they were going. Penelope told Grandma that she can't go there. "I can't!"and became very upset. Penelope told her how upsetting it was for her to even go to their house with Papaw to let the dogs or when they were 5 states away on vacation. Grandma told her that they are almost there and she can either go in and sit in the lobby or stay in the car. Not to worry, her Aunt won't see her if she sits in the back of the lobby. Penelope choose to stay in the car and called me at work crying. She felt totally abandoned and unheard. She said grandma said "I've got dark secrets too, and I've learned to deal with them. You need to learn to deal with yours too."
Grandma's version: Penelope never said anything about having a problem. She didn't decide she was going to sit in the car until after they got there. ... That was the version on the day it happened after she learned Penelope called me and that I was going to call her to discuss. She had answered the phone "I don't want to talk to you." So I made a point to not talk too much about it, especially after getting those answers which I felt were complete fabrications. She was sticking to the reason for taking her at all was because she couldn't leave her at home, she didn't know how long she was going to be gone even though she didn't have any errands. But a soon as I realized they were in a restaurant, I knew the real reason why Penelope had to come along. It doesn't help that while Penelope was sitting in the car, my Dad had to drive B there to pick up his wallet from his wife. Penelope, based on my Mom's wishes, could have been sitting in the lobby when B walked in! Penelope would have flipped....out! I don't think B would have done anything except maybe walked out but not one of them needs to be put in that situation. B did end up seeing her sitting in the car on the way out. Penelope didn't know until my Mom told her after the fact. When Penelope told her grandmother she can't see Uncle B, it would be too upsetting, my mother told her "Well, he is my soon so I'm going to see him when I want" referring to the fact she got to see him when he picked up his wallet. Her argument doesn't make sense!
So the issue came back up this past Saturday and she had forgotten her original excuse of not trusting Penelope to stay home by herself and said it never occurred to her that it would be a problem. And if Penelope had said something like "Pull over, I'm getting out" she wouldn't have made her go. I told her that Penelope shouldn't have to go there before she is heard! She tried to claim again that Penelope didn't say anything until they were there and I said, "So you are saying Penelope never said "I can't go there, or explained how hard it was to be at their house with Papaw?" Her response was, "I don't remember, it's been a few days..she might have said something like that but I don't remember..." Ugh!!!!!!!! She continued to tell me what she had told Penelope about her dark secrets. Penelope had told me the dark secret my mother shared and hearing it, made me angry because in my opinion it's nothing compared to what Penelope did. Without going into details, my mother had said something hurtful about her own mother in earshot of her while she was laying in bed dying of cancer. She was a little younger than Penelope. Her Mom died a year or so later. My mother was near tears when she was tip-toing around it internally debating if she would share the details with me. But I already knew from Penelope telling me. I said "If it was something I had done to you, would you have forgiven me. She paused for a second (to put herself in her mother's shoes) and said she would, but didn't know if her Mom ever did. I asked her if she felt like her Mom want a forgiving person? She said she didn't know. The shame in her voice, you could tell how raw and real her self-hate is for what she did. It blew my mind because it was such a forgivable act. To have carried such a burden for over 50 years and feel like such a horrible person for it explains a great deal about her. I just can't imagine a mother not forgiving their child for it. She was a child, grieving her mother's illness, not understanding in a rational way what was going on. I told my mother I feel like she is holding on to the emotions of the child and not processing it as an adult. It's like remembering a scary dream and still feeling scared when you know rationally it's not real.
I know there are other traumas in my mother's childhood that she doesn't talk about that happened to her and to think thus is how she feels on the smaller things makes me feel very sad for her.

Fail Forward

Last week I went to a business seminar on innovation for work. The topic was around business competitiveness and setting the pace in your industry by staying innovative. But a lot of what was said really spoke to me as a parent of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. One of the terms the speaker said that became my new favorite phrase is “fail forward.” Accepting failures as part of the process and that you learn from them. Make the failure meaningful and find opportunities to come up with new ideas or opportunities to move forward.
I think, as a general rule, good parents carry around a great deal of unnecessary guilt. I know I do and I’d like to think I’m a good parent. I’m always trying to make sure I do all I can do to give Penelope the best chances at a happy life. Any errors I make are not just a waste of that precious time but counter-productive – a slip backwards that now has to be regained.
We’d like to think we have more control over our kids than we actually do. I came to the realization a while ago that I can’t make Penelope do anything. I can change the way I do things that may make her more likely to do what I want, but that’s the limit of my control. I think that is where some of the guilt lies, in that when our child makes that poor decision, we feel like we are the ones that failed because we weren’t able to prevent it.
With Penelope and her RAD, the hurdles to make better choices are much larger. So I tend to obsess over what I can do to help her. Then I think about how she has to work hard at this too, and then I debate in my head if she is capable or if she is just unwilling. That leads me back to the beginning of this ongoing cycle of what I can do to help her.
The approached I’ve learned works best for Penelope is the Love & Logic parenting model. It makes her own her behaviors and be responsible for her choices. It’s especially helpful for combating some of the developmental delays that are common with RAD. The challenge in this method is giving up the power. Again, power or control we really do not have.  But the premise of this parenting method is that kids need to make mistakes and get in trouble as part of their learning process. Let the action and subsequent consequence teach the child, not the parent.  The parent’s role is to set the boundaries and be the child’s support through these experiences. It applies to your average kid, but also to the extreme behaviors of of child with RAD.
These kids can go well beyond normal mistakes and bad choices. Even with that, I’ve learned that Penelope tends to make the biggest strides when she has to deal with the repercussions of her mistakes. Some of these mistakes are ones I can live with. But there are a few that I wish never happened. Even so, the more severe here action resulting in a larger consequence, the more she has moved forward.
Even though I still struggle with letting go of control and deal with parental guilt, I’ve learned that her mistakes are one of my greatest tools to help her. Looking at these events and challenges that pop up as opportunities. So I like this phrase “fail forward.”

Mutant Child

I use the word mutant because I feel like Penelope mutates every six months into a different child, similar to the one before but with new strengths and weaknesses, new challenges requiring new approaches to parenting. I use this term instead of evolves. Maybe that’s just how I feel at the moment because we are in a step backward momentum right now. And maybe it’s not even a backward momentum she is going, but a revelation of where she truly is at in this journey versus where I thought she was.

A couple weeks ago, right before spring break, she went out with her friend to a teen night club. Her phone was acting up so I switched cell phones with her for the evening. We’ve done it before. I’ve even gone through her phone before. But it’s a smart phone (as is mine) and maybe I just didn’t look through all the apps and all the folders but this time I found close up naked pictures she had taken of herself. Fortunately she didn’t include her face in the photos. The photo album I found it in was titled one of her Apps. It was a chatting App. She had shared these pics with a couple boys she "met" somehow. I do not believe she knows them, they do not seem local. Of course, they had sent pics of themselves as well. On top of that I found porn in her search history.

Of course, she lost her cell phone privileges, and in good RAD parenting fashion, I didn’t punish her or yell at her. All consequences were related to the behavior, removing the phone was primary, and all the freedoms having phone access to her went with it. I told her how sad it was that she didn’t hold herself to a higher standard in her relationships (or attempts at relationships). I love her too much to allow her to hurt herself and her self image that way. She was very angry and said "You don’t understand!" (What mother does?) "Boys don’t pay me any attention at school. I get what I can get where I can get it." Yikes. Not terribly surprising. Her self-concept has always been such a huge challenge. It’s one of the few constants. How it rears its "ugly" head is what changes it seems.

One of the other interesting pieces to this whole thing is that in the past she would volunteer how there are kids at her school who would do this, do that, including what she did with her chat app, and she would never do it, because she thinks it’s gross or she doesn’t want to end up with the same problems her mother did or some very relatable answer. Did I buy it all hook, line and sinker? No. But it gave us the opportunity for us to talk about these topics and try to be on the same page as to why these high risk behaviors would be poor decisions. This is a bit different then her usual RAD lying in that typically it’s Penelope creating a fantasy world (boys that like her and fights that never happened) or telling me about something she wished happened to her or she did.

My initial approach to this problem was to establish some tasks that she must do in order to demonstrate her level of responsibility in order to get her phone back. I fundamentally didn’t feel like it was enough, not really addressing the main issue but also wanting her to have this typical teen accessory. It didn’t matter because this approach went nowhere. She dug her heals in and blocked any discussion about potential tasks but instead started saying how she knows better now and how right I am, and that she is making her BFF stop chatting with boys like that too because it’s wrong. BLAH. Do I have STUPID written across my forehead?

That was about 2 weeks ago. A couple of days ago, we were chatting about something at school and I suggested using Facebook for online came up and she said "It’s not like I am allowed to go on there!" Then she shut to whole conversation down. She feels like she is never getting her phone back. I told her "I’m not sure how you are to get your phone back when anytime the topic comes up, you ‘don’t want to talk about it.’" That night, I couldn’t sleep and went to get some water around midnight. When I passed her room I saw a glow coming from under her covers. When I went in to inspect, I found she had taken back her phone, from my PURSE. It was in my purse earlier that night. I don’t know what she was doing because it was on the main screen when I took it from her. All I could say was "Wow. What am I suppose to say?" And went to bed.. well, after I calmed down a bit I went to bed. After I went through her phone trying to figure out what she was doing. She had been looking at porn. The chat app was gone, as a lot of other things on it. But then I learned she had taken the external SD card from it. I also found out that she had a secret email account and some social media accounts attached to it. Me, not a happy camper.

I took the next day to think about it. I wanted to be strategic about it. Regardless, the phone is gone. Deactivated. But that’s just a speed bump in the bigger challenge.

So that evening, I went home with the mindset that I’m not even going to address the phone. It’s such a pea size issue at this point. We need to look at why this is such a compulsion for her, what she gets from it, and what she can do to replace it that is more rewarding, more satisfying and appropriate.

I began that conversation with her. She said that she got bored with chatting with the boys, that it eventually didn’t do anything for her. She feels like life is boring. Her life is boring. She does the same thing day in and day out. Why can’t demons and vampires be real? She wants to be a demon or vampire (or mutant child). She wishes there was an apocalypse so people can be scared and she could be a leader of a gang and chop people up. I said "Do you here what you’re saying?" I repeated back to her what she said. I wanted to clarify "You want people to be more scared? More scared in general? Or scared of you?" She said "I want them to be more scared of me." When she says this, you can see the shame on her face. By this point, she is sitting on the floor against the wall farthest from me holding a pillow to her chest. She said "Everyone has more power than me, I want to be stronger. I want them to be scared of me."

Basically, she wants to feel safer. She feels that if they fear her, she will be safer. She is tired of being scared of them instead. I told her that it’s a perception she has, and that no one has any more power over her than she has over them. But I get it and want her to feel safe and it’s something we are going to work on together.

Taking what she said out of that context is unnerving to say the least. And I'm still having that type of reaction regardless. I keep thinking "I think I lost a year of my life in that conversation."  It's not something I'd ever hear come from her at this point in our journey. Chop people up? The conversation tore me up, to imagine she feels this way just demonstrates how scared she is and always is at some level. At least I can see that in that conversation. At the same time, I thought lack of wanting to get out and do things was more to being hypersensitive to stressors that cause her to be scared. But that has led her to feel her life boring and monotonous.

I still think it’s all based on her lack of self-esteem. It’s all related. If you don’t have the confidence to put yourself out there because you are scared of what could happen, you are a prisoner within the walls you have built. Life would become rather boring I guess.

The other issue I’ve identified is that she spends way too much with her head in fantasy and sci-fi based shows, videos, books, and just overall thinking. She is trying to escape her reality. This is not new for her and I’ve told her that I can’t allow it. It’s not healthy for her and it won’t fix her problems. So, she has been cut off of anything fantasy or science fiction based. She is also going to spend more time disconnected from technology. I can’t cut her off completely as it’s too much a part of her school work; homework, texts, are mostly electronic. But she is scaling back to the minimum.

This conversation happened on Thursday. That night and Friday morning she was completely sick to her stomach. I ended up keeping her home and having her Papaw pick her up and take her to his house. I certainly wasn’t leaving her home by herself. I hadn’t had time to brief either Papaw or Grandma on the evening prior. Grandma thought it would good for Papaw and myself to sit down with Penelope at their house when I pick her up to cover everything. It’s good to loop Papaw into this even though I’m not sure what he can do beyond just be a reinforcing family member for Penelope. That in itself is a big deal.

Standards

Penelope has come such a long way. In so many ways, she appears like a typical teenager. She has similar teenage dramas and social problems. But RAD is a part of her, regardless of how much try to push it out. How am I suppose to determine the difference between RAD behavior and typical behavior? But that's really not the right question, is it? It's not about the behavior, rather the thinking behind the behavior. Until she just starts spewing every thought that enters her head, the only way I can know what she is thinking or feeling is through her actions. But even then, it still leaves a lot of room for interpretation.
What also complicates this interpretation is my own issues. A fear reaction to the future implications of her actions. An anger reaction to being tricked into giving her too much freedom or responsibility. A guilt reaction for not having the ability to prevent it from happening. A shame reaction for allowing myself to distance my feelings towards her because of her behavior. I've been able to recognize that some if not all of these reactions do not help me address the behavior in the best way, but there is a bit of a delay in getting my mind organized enough to do something.
So, Penelope has had a cell phone since she was 14 years old. I may have written about it in the past because I found this great website with phones for kids that have a ton of parental controls. The downside to this website is that because they only offer monthly plans (as a control feature), you have to pay the full price of the phones. Well, after about 1 year, her phone stopped working. I wasn't going to buy her another phone. Grandma offered to put her on the family phone plan, which was the cheapest option. Because it's through a well known mobile service, there were free phone options. There wasn't one phone with no camera. Her old phone had a camera but a parental control prevented being able to send the pictures anywhere. Grandma talked to the sales rep and set up parental controls on the new phone. The problem is, her new phone is a smart phone giving her access to Apps. I didn't think anything of it, when we were assured.
Well, you know where I'm going with this. She had an app that allowed her to chat with strangers. I had checked her phone over time and nothing but then her battery stopped working unless plugged in. She was going out with a friend so I traded phones with her. I didn't even look at it until the end of the night, going through her photos and found an album with this particular's app title. They were pictures of naked boys and pictures she had taken of herself - close up photos of certain body parts. Nothing identifiable but I know it's her. I went to the app and found conversations with boys, or so called boys, and where they had exchanged pictures.
We had talked about this type of activity, interest teens have in it and the potential consequences - not the punishment kind as much about what it does to your self-image, privacy, and safety. She would volunteer without prompting about other girls that did these high risk behaviors and other high risk behaviors and how she would never do it for this reason or another.
Lie, lie, lie. All lies.
She feels justified in her actions. "No boys at school care about me. At least I'm getting attention somewhere." And things like that. Trying to figure out what I can do to help her as her Mom have higher standards for herself.

No more Attachment Therapy

We’ve stopped Attachment Therapy. Somewhere along the lines, Penelope’s Medicaid was cancelled. I have no idea how or why. She is eligible based on her disability. I sign forms at the therapist office related to her treatment plan and progress that is for Medicaid. But I received call from the billing office saying that their last 6 months of bills were rejected by Medicaid due to no coverage. For 6 months. I haven’t received anything in the mail on this. Now I have to pay for 6 months of therapy on top of everything else I owe them.
This is not the first time this has happened in their billing office. Don’t tell me this far out that there is a problem. I can’t help fix it this far out! In the past it was issues that I had already resolved when Penelope was under her father’s company insurance and they were having company wide insurance problems and switching around every couple of months. Drove me batty. I thought that problem would go away when she went on Medicaid.
Now I’m trying to get her Medicaid reinstated but just like everything else, it’s a slow process. She is uninsured. I hate that! I can’t put her on my insurance because it’s past the 30 day window and my company’s insurance renews January 1. It’s not like I could afford it anyway.  I looked into it and it would be 40% of my pay!
So, we stopped going to therapy. I’m just so glad we are at a place that we don’t NEED therapy for her. I don’t know how affective it was towards the end anyway. Penelope is in a much better place than she ever was. We still have a lot of areas to work on, but I feel like attachment therapy was greatly about putting out fires. When there are no fires, we spent are time being hypervigiliant – waiting for the next fire to put out instead of pushing on. To some extent it made me feel like a complainer, still coming to the couch with areas of need and concern. Not significant ones. More like issues with chores and school work and Penelope not doing anything until being prompted. Penelope just doesn’t want to do anything to help out. Period.
But I will say, it’s not because she doesn’t want to help out. She doesn’t think of it in those terms. I’m not taking it personally – very often. Doing anything at all causes her to get anxious. Sometimes it’s an excited anxious. Sometimes it’s a frustrated anxiousness. But she avoids anything that makes her anxious. I have to read her anxiety level and divert her attention and do things that are mood altering to calm her down so she can get through whatever it is she needs to do.  In the mornings, I have to be silly and energetic to get her to feed off of my energy to get herself ready and to school. I’m not a morning person! When we do chores, I have to keep things fun and care free so she doesn’t stress out about having to do something she doesn’t want to do and just totally shut down. I’m not that kind of person and it wears me out!
She will be 16 this summer. Not sure our momentum towards self-reliance is going to get her there by the end of high school. She said “I know how to do these things. I just don’t want to now. But I’ll do it when I’m an adult.” I told her “It’s not a switch you just turn on when it’s time. It’s a life style. Habit.” Ironically, we were watching a movie later that evening and a similar scenario came on and the character said “It’s not like a switch you turn on.” Penelope looked at me with big eyes. Ha!
Once I get her back on insurance, I think I'm going to shop around for therapist that can be more like a life coach. If that's possible. It will be nice to have the break from driving an hour plus each way to therapy. I do want to say, I love our attachment therapist and will miss her. She saved our lives. I couldn't have done it without her.

Christmas and Bio Parents

Penelope did get to see her Dad at Christmas. Her Mom did not ask or try to see her this Christmas, which is a good thing. I do not take it to mean she didn't want to see her, but has given up on trying.  Though I've told her that she has to be patient and wait until Penelope is ready and that I'm pushing for a reunion, she doesn't believe me. Shocking, right? It's been several years since she has seen Penelope and it's much easier for her to sleep at night believing that I am the evil Aunt who has brainwashed her child into not wanting to see her own Mother because said Aunt wants to blame Penelope's mental illness on her when it's really just biological. Yeah, she could have been a better Mom but little Penelope adored her Mom. So she will just have to wait until Penelope is 18 years old and evil Aunt can't prevent them from seeing each other. Whatever..
Speaking about Harriet and Penelope, nothing ever came up again about Penelope wanting to see Harriet. I tried to bring it up twice and I was immediately shut down. Penelope didn't want to talk about it. I get it, this is one of the hardest times of the year for her. From a severity standpoint, it's similar to a bad dragged-out cold while Mother's Day is like a food poisoning. Short and severe. Birthdays are .. well, can't find an illness to best describe that one. More like an "under the influence" experience. It would be very interesting to see a brain scan during these times of the year.
Her maternal grandmother, Sheryl, and my Mom had been corresponding via email the past few months. That was interesting to learn about, in a frustrating way. See, Sheryl hasn't seen Penelope in as long as Harriet. Not because Penelope doesn't want to see her or anything like that. Back in 2008, the second time Penelope tried to commit suicide and described to the mental professionals her desire to kill Harriet, I recommended that Sheryl not go see Penelope in the hospital. Looking back, I probably should have let her so she could see how truly bad off Penelope's mental state was. But then I think she still would come away with the same opinion that she has had all these years which is it's a result of George telling Penelope her Mom doesn't love her and did bad things to her. She really just doesn't have a clue. Anyway, I didn't let anyone but myself and my parents to talk to Penelope and see her in the hospital. She had a "psychotic break" and it wasn't any longer about whether she could handle a visit from these people, but her ability to come back from this psychosis. Sheryl only visited Penelope a few times a year since she lived about 3 hours away in a different state anyway and told her that I thought it would be best to keep people she communicated with to the people in her daily life. Sheryl is also Harriet's Mom so I didn't know, with her state of mind, if that would be an issue. About 6 months later (I can't remember), Sheryl invited Penelope to come stay the weekend. This was a problem for me because the last time Sheryl had Penelope for a weekend, I found out after the fact that Harriet was there the entire weekend too and that Sheryl left Penelope in Harriet's care for hours when she would go spend some time in her art studio. Then, with all that had transpired with the hospital visits, the conversations about Penelope's RAD and what caused it, and Sheryl's consistent defense of Harriet's parenting, I just didn't feel comfortable sending her down alone. But I wasn't going to prevent her from seeing her grandmother. It wasn't like I thought Sheryl would intentionally hurt Penelope but because she doesn't understand Penelope's needs and didn't take my word for it, Penelope would at risk of getting hurt or hurting herself. What I mean by this is that besides Sheryl potentially exposing her to Harriet, feeling like it's no big deal, she could also assume Penelope knew age appropriate boundaries and leave her unattended to steal, damage or self-injure. George used to visit Sheryl with Penelope, so I took that route and "assumed" I was invited down as well. That wasn't received well. "I have to be supervised too?" I tried to explain that Penelope has unique needs but that wasn't an acceptable answer and the scheduling of that visit was never spoken of again.
Then about a year after that, Penelope was invited to a family wedding through Sheryl. Harriet wasn't invited because this part of her family had written her off. But Sheryl decided not to have Penelope go because she felt it was unfair that she would get to see Penelope when Harriet isn't allowed to. I thought that was stupid but whatever.
Then about a year or two later when petitioning on behalf of Harriet for a visit at Christmas time, told Penelope's therapist that the reason she, Sheryl, hasn't seen Penelope is because I won't let her. I won't let her because she looks too much like Harriet and it would be upsetting. I was floored by this because I said that in the context of visits in the hospital in 2008.
Now Grandma Sheryl and my Mom are corresponding via email and there is some talk about allowing Penelope  and Grandma Sheryl  to visit each other.  I love how I wasn’t included immediately in this conversation and I was told by my Mom “email her.” Grandma Sheryl send Penelope a sterling silver bracelet she made and a gift card for Christmas. The card had a brief note but was long enough to include “We should make jewelry together again some time.”  Understand that Sheryl lives far enough away that this would be at least an overnight at her place in order for that to happen.  Penelope didn’t have any reaction to it or think twice about it, almost leaving me to wonder if she actually read it.
I have yet to email Grandma Sheryl or discuss it with Penelope. I’m sure I’ll get around to it eventually. Need to get past the holidays and illnesses going through our house. Basically, it’s not a priority but on the radar. I will deal with it later.
I didn’t hear anything from Harriet, though she sent a Christmas gift to Penelope through George.  Harriet doesn’t know that George sees Penelope once in a while now, so it’s apparent that they still hang out once in a while. The only reason this bothers me is because its just another demonstration how dysfunctional they are.
George visited with my parents on Christmas morning. The visit started out fine. We had breakfast and then opened presents. George bought Penelope an X Box game and a off brand mini tablet. There some history regarding the tablet. George really wanted to buy Penelope a tablet for Christmas. This started over the summer. I had considered it too, with her starting her freshman year of high school, having all of us go in on a nice one. But seeing how much she avoids schoolwork and how she is always using her android phone to watch videos, play games, use social media and all that teenagers do, I felt like it was only going to make the battle between schoolwork and R&R for her even harder. On top of that, I’d have to be the bad guy and take it away from her when she doesn’t stick to the rules about homework. I told him I didn’t feel she was ready to have a tablet computer and not to get her one. He felt like “as her father” he should make sure she has every tool she could use to do well in school.  It wasn’t like she was even asking for one but it didn’t matter what I said, like it ever does.  About two weeks before Christmas he calls me all proud of his purchase and wanted to tell me what a great deal he got on it.  My Mom tells me later that day that she told him to call me first and make sure it was okay to get. Whatever. Anyway, the Christmas visit was fine  until shortly after opening presents. It’s almost like if it’s too long of a visit, he gets too comfortable and can’t control his ability to be the jerk he really is. I had told him on several occasions that Penelope does not want him in her room when he is over. He had gone in there at Thanksgiving to see the paint job from the redecorating we did for her birthday. Even though I told him she was upset by it, he did it again on Christmas. After breakfast and opening presents, Penelope wanted to get away from the stimulus of it all and went to her room for a break. Nothing bad, just wanted a few minutes alone. I thought this was awesome that she was 1) in tune with her anxious feelings and 2) problem-solved by deciding to go to her quiet and safe room where she could relax for a few minutes. But George followed her. Penelope isn’t strong enough yet to draw that line with her Dad, in the moment. I walked past her room and saw her sitting on her bed facing the door, not looking at him but with a scared/angry expression on her face with her arms crossed. George was sitting in her desk chair that he rolled over to the side of her bed, oblivious to (or ignoring?)   her body language ,and was talking to her.  I walked in and said “What’s going on?” George said “We’re just talking.” I said, “Let’s move it to the living room. I need your guys help anyway” and walked away trying to make it a non-issue. Didn’t work. George was angry with me for interrupting their one on one time.
He came into the living room and essentially tried to pick a fight with me. He decides to tell me “One day when your cat (that hates his guts and has bitten him) bites me, I’m going to pick him up (and motions picking up a cat by it’s scruff) and punch him right in his face (and motions punching really hard) making him fly!” He sees me getting angry and says with a smirk on his face, “He won’t be around to bite me again after that.” Of course this pissed me off, which was his intention I quickly realized. I wanted to say “You better not touch my cat, ever! That will be the last day you’ll ever get to see Penelope!” in the mind frame that I will never tolerate his presence again and he has to see me to see Penelope. But I knew saying that would only be falling into this trap he was setting. It took me a second or two to adjust but I ended up saying, calmly even, “The day you do that is the last day I bet Penelope will speak to you. She loves that cat more than anything.”  Yes, thank you, thank you. I was highly impressed with myself as well.  I attribute my ability to come up with that while extremely angry and deliver it calmly to my years of training through parenting a child with RAD.
As you can imagine, it completely nullified his attack. Penelope happened to walk in the room right at that time and said “What about the cat?” I started to say, “Your Dad said..” and he cut me off and said  with a softer, wavering tone “I was just saying that he better not bite me again because I might accidentally hit him in his teeth and knock his teeth out so he can’t bite me again.” Penelope said “You better not TOUCH my cat, EVER!” That’s what I was going to say! Good for her. Is it bad that I was proud she made a threatening statement to him?  I feel it was appropriate. Now if she followed it with “I’ll kill you” then I’d have issue. George backed down and said he wouldn’t.
Right after Christmas, my parents, Penelope and I went on a mini vacation by renting a cabin at a nearby state park for a long weekend. Of course it snowed the day after Christmas and there was about 8 inches of snow on the ground the entire time we were there. Thursday night she Penelope couldn’t get the tablet to turn on. I tried everything. She said it had been glitch since Christmas. I said “We will let your Dad figure it out when we get back” since it was his purchase. Saturday night, Penelope was getting her MP3 player out of her bag and the tablet fell out onto the floor. The screen shattered. There was a 90 day warranty but.. not for that. She was so upset her Dad was going to be angry with her she cried and cried. She ended up sleeping in my bed with me. I told her he wasn’t going to be mad (or I’d kill him).  It was an accident. I do believe it was an accident. She has never been one to break things purposefully like some kids with RAD. She values her possessions too much.  He wasn’t mad but upset that he gave her a gift that didn’t work anyway and now she is left with no gift. Good for him. One appropriate reaction to a situation.

Steps toward forgiveness

Shortly after Thanksgiving, where once again our family has split celebrations because Penelope isn’t welcomed at my brother’s family’s house, my brother told our Mom not to buy him or his wife Christmas presents. B was trying to be considerate to the fact that money continues to be tight for them as they continue to help Penelope and I as well as deal with commission based work they do in this hard economy. B is always attempting to be considerate, and out of context, it seems like a very considerate thing to do.  But that wasn’t how it was taken.
Our family used to be big on giving presents to everyone in the family including eachother’s pets. We all like to give gifts.  As adult children, I think that we get more out of giving presents than receiving them. But for Mom, this is her language of love. You’ve heard of the 5 languages of love, right? Well, Mom perceives gifts as proof of love. So when someone stops buying gifts or says “don’t buy me a gift,” it’s a form of rejection. Between the economy going into a recession where everyone in our family’s income went down substantially, and holidays being emotionally charged time of the year for Penelope causing some major events, we have purposefully downsized Birthdays and holiday gatherings. Add on this from three years ago and lets just say our family has struggled to stay close which has caused resentment. My Mom grew up in a family that fell apart. She has one living sibling and hasn’t spoken to her in about 20 years. Her other sister, I never met and died when I was school aged.  She fears that’s going to happen to my brothers and I.
She knows that I don’t like George, Penelope’s Dad. And even though no one has ever thought it possible since we are twins, B and I are growing apart as well. We make a point to call each other once every few weeks, unless there is a reason to call sooner. I haven’t seen him or his family since the end of September. The problem is I can’t bring Penelope. I won’t just leave her home to go over there but if she is doing something that gives me a few hours, I will go. It’s just that it’s rare that it works out that way.
So, the context of, family growing apart, can’t have regular family gatherings anyway which just widens tat rift, perceived rejection of love, and this growing resentment, B telling Mom not to buy gifts and save their money right after Thanksgiving where we all couldn’t be together was setting off a bomb. She went off. I wasn’t there but I understand it was bad. Really bad. See, my Mom has turned into the Mother-In-Law she has never wanted to become. Her Mother-In-Law was hateful towards her. Has raised her hand to hit her. Has “disposed” of her dog while they were on vacation. Treated her like a servant. Mom talks about B’s wife Cathy like she is a bad mother and uncaring wife. She feels that B is controlled by Cathy and blames her for any opinion that B has that she doesn’t like. This includes keeping the families apart for holidays. Their kids are happy and well adjusted. They have never shown symptoms of trauma. They asked about her a lot, to a point that I was afraid her parents wouldn’t allow me around anymore because every time I saw my niece and nephew, they would interrogate me about her. They missed her a great deal. They were concerned for her because my brother and his wife told them that she had to go away until she learned how to play properly and was living in a special place (long term residential). I found out part of the reason they would interrogate me is because when they asked their parents, they wouldn’t answer and change the subject.
I’m not trying to justify my Mom’s feelings. But, I don’t like the way my brother and his wife handled it with their kids. If they were showing signs of trauma, It would make perfect sense as they would want their children to feel safe. But all their questions and behaviors have pointed in a different direction and the way they are handling it is confusing and throwing up flags for these kids instead of making it go away which is what their parents want. Their agreed upon tactic is "It never happened, Penelope doesn't exist." My Mom and I agree this is not the best way to handle this.
We are entitled to our opinions. But we are not entitled to hold grudges when all they are trying to do is protect their kids. And to make Cathy out to be this heartless person based on this is totally unfair. My Mom has also been punishing my brother in very passive aggressive ways, to the detriment of everyone involved. She hates Cathy, always finds reasons to not go over their house with the main reason “Cathy hates me and I feel unwelcomed.” When B complains that she never sees her grandchildren, she will say. “I see Penelope. Your kids don’t need me. I have to focus on Penelope’s needs.”  Yes, Penelope does need her but not to the extent this portrays. It’s an excuse, and a jab. And it doesn’t help the argument that Penelope has healed a great deal and is much more regulated. It makes Penelope sound like she is still very sick and requires a great deal of care.  A person one wouldn’t want around their children.
Well, it all hit the fan. It all came out. She went there. She blamed B for breaking up the family. (The father of two small children who carries a heavy burden of guilt for being the caretaker at the time of the assault.) And if that’s how he wants it, that’s fine. She won’t be buying them presents – no worries.  Whatever was said, B took it as she was done with him and was writing him off like she did her siblings and said as much. He was really upset. He never gets upset. He talked to his wife afterward, he wasn’t home but working when all this went down. Cathy was concerned and texted me to call him and talk him down. I happened to be on the phone with my Mom who seemed fine, a little sad but had a resolved tone to her voice. But she didn’t bring up the argument right away. When she did, she didn’t want to go into details (because she was wrong maybe?) but just said she was going to drink wine with dinner.. because she needed a drink. I didn’t pry. I called B right after I finished with Mom. He didn’t answer. So I called Cathy. She filled me in on what she knew but it sounded like B didn’t tell her everything, probably trying to spare her from the attack against her I’m sure my Mom made.
Cathy and I ended up having a very good conversation. A healing one. I found out she had resentment on the way our family handled it. She felt like we were only out to protect Penelope but who was going to protect her kids or stand up for them?  Like we didn’t care about them. How could we side with Penelope and defend what she did? I told her that I hate she has been feeling like this for this long because her assumptions are wrong on this. I told her that the day the charges were dropped, I mourned. It felt like a funeral. I wanted Penelope to be held accountable for what she did to her kids. I love them very much. I didn't know what to do with this child. I was so angry with her. So much I really didn't know if I loved her anymore. Even though I knew she was sick. I contemplated handing her back to her father but I felt like it was a death sentence. Whatever chance at life would be gone. So there was a part of me holding out hope. A part that was relieved. I also didn’t trust the system to handle it properly. When your child goes into the legal system, you have no control or say on anything. Their life is in the judicial systems’ hands. Similar to handing over a child to a surgeon. You can’t protect them from any mistakes. You are helpless. You have no power over decisions made. And they did nothing to help us. I’d already learned how completely incompetent the mental health system is. And CPS referred me to a service agency that we ended up firing because they made things worse! We never defended her. It never got to that point. We didn’t even have the case file. The only defense we gave was to her attorney and it was that Penelope was sick. No child that isn’t damaged would ever do this. By this point in my explanation I was crying. So was Cathy. She said she always felt so bad for me to have to “put up” with all this. She said that in the beginning, she was so angry with Penelope. But after some real thought she really blamed George. She has forgiven Penelope. She forgave her a long time ago. She just has to protect her children. She is glad Penelope is doing so much better now. And it’s not like she never wants the kids to ever see each other again. She is just so scared that if her son would see Penelope, it could trigger something in him and hurt him. That is what she fears and she has to protect them. I totally get it. I don’t think it would happen but what do I know? But all I can say is WOW. She forgave Penelope. She forgave her.
Later that evening while I was making dinner in the kitchen, Penelope walked in. I told Penelope that I had been on the phone with her Aunt Cathy. I told her that we talk about her. That her Aunt Cathy has forgiven her…Penelope stood there stunned. Looking down. Shocked.. She said “Oh… wow…okay..” Then she walked off into the living room. I could tell she was just standing there.. Then she went past the kitchen headed towards her room and shut the door behind her. I gave her a moment then went in. She was sitting on her bed holding her head in her hands crying. She was embarrassed and wanted me to go away at first. I told her it was okay. She sobbed. She said “I can’t believe she forgives me. I never thought she’d ever forgive me… I don’t know if I deserve it.”  I hugged her and told her I understand. Just the fact that she is upset by this news shows how far she has come. But that someday I hope she forgives herself. Her cousins are happy and healthy kids. I think it was important for her to hear. She took it well, had the appropriate reaction, and didn't flake out afterwards.
That was about 2 ½ weeks ago. This week is exam week. Today was the last day and she had only 1 exam today. Last night, Penelope tells me that earlier in the day while she was waiting in the café before school (late start due to exam week), she was thinking about Harriet. She was thinking about how if Aunt Cathy can forgive her for what she did to her cousins, then she should be able to forgive Harriet for what she did. She shouldn’t hold a grudge against her. She doesn’t want to hold a grudge against her.  "How does that help anything.." She did bad things to her that were very hurtful but she should forgive her. At this point I am shocked and impressed by what she is saying. Excited really…but then..
She says how “People can change. People deserve second chances, right? I start talking about the difference between forgiving and forgetting… but Penelope interrupts to tell me “I want to see her.” Really?? She says “I want to tell her that I forgive her. I also want to tell her how I feel about what she has done. I want her to know how she has hurt me. But that I forgive her. I want her to know that you are my Mom now and that I call you Mom. I just went to get it all out there.."
She said  "After break is over.." I said "Not while you are in school. You will need time to recoup from the breakdown you WILL have." We both laughed. We know how she is. She said "How about Christmas? She can come for Christmas." I said "Oh no. Too much pressure on that day. It's too soon anyway." I’m thinking “Woah… we need to back this up a bit.” I said “Wow Penelope. I am impressed with where you are going with this. It’s a lot to think about. You’ve obviously put a bit of thought into it. I’m excited for you. I do have some concerns with some of what you said that we will need to talk about but right now I need to think about it. I need to make dinner. And you need to study. So, let’s table this. You’ve passed it over to me. Let me think about it, but you don’t think about it. Focus on your test and we will talk about it tomorrow.”
Tomorrow is today. I’m going to see how the conversation goes, but I don’t hear her being ready to see Harriet. But it’s a great first step. She has to be prepared for seeing Harriet in possibly worse appearance then before. Nothings changed about her. She has to know that Harriet no-showing, being late, needing to leave early can still happen. She has to not be still looking for proof of love which is something she constantly looked for growing up. Every little thing was a test, rightfully so. I can’t protect her 100% I know. But I’m not going to let any reunification efforts affect her and her struggles to do well. We will have to do baby-steps. Phone calls first. I still see anger there. To want to have that kind of conversation seemed a bit confrontational. It doesn’t help that a little over a week ago when we were deciding what to get George for Christmas, when I asked “Do you want to get Harriet anything?” her response was, “I don’t know….. Like what, a pack of cigarettes???” One of the things she hates is Harriet’s smoking. I said “All rightly then. I take that as a no. I was just asking.”

I didn’t get to post this the day I wrote it. It’s been a few days since I started this post. We still haven’t had the conversation. Not fully. I’ve learned she bombed one of her exams, and has an F in another one of her classes. Her anxiety level and moodiness had been off the charts ever since she said something, even after her last final was over. That evening, I tried to bring it up since her exams were over and she said she wasn’t in the mood to talk about it, and just bringing it up and making her think about it dropped her mood. That whole Saturday she was still hyper-moody.  She spent the evening with her best friend, who was suppose to go on vacation with us this upcoming weekend, but decided at some point she didn’t want to go. “I don’t want to do anything on Winter Break. I want to veg in front of the TV.” My parents, Penelope and I are going to a state park about an hour away for a long weekend. We rented a cabin. We had room for one more. Oh well. We will still have fun. But I was concerned for their friendship with this new news. After dropping her friend at home that night and driving back I told Penelope, “I know you don’t want to talk about and I’m not going to talk about it right now, but I want you to know that I’ve decided you are not going to see Harriet right now. I don’t want you worrying about that. I see how anxious you’ve been the past couple of days. You are not ready yet. But I think what you said and what you’ve been thinking about is a huge towards healing your heart. We will be taking baby steps though, so emotionally it’s not such a roller coaster, okay? We will start with phone calls.” She said “That sounds good.” Her anxiety was noticeably better that evening and into the Christmas holidays. Her focus was on her family, helping me get the house ready for Christmas morning, helping Grandma by wrapping Papaw’s presents she dropped off. Grandma had hand surgery. 

I'll post later about Christmas. It went well, even considering how George was. Which I'll share. Penelope did well, but still needs to improve her confidence to draw boundaries with her Dad. At least she knows where the boundaries are. She's getting there. George is the same as always though. But we hold little hope for change there.

Balancing Act

I belong to this online support group for other Moms of kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder. One of the messages was poking fun at how you can’t help but feel like your crazy and you have to have a crazy type of humor to get through some of our experiences. I find that I do a lot to try to manage my level of dysfunction that defines me. Many parts of my life have become sort of a balancing act. If I leave to far to one side, well.. you might as well ship me off to the funny farm.


I suspect that even normal parents have these life issues to balance, the difference is in the details.

It’s sometimes easier to put the child first, or anyone really, before ourselves. Even before Penelope came to live with me, I was always a service person. Whatever the situation, it was easier to put another person before myself in my life. Be it family, friends, my bosses, etc. But then you have this child who needs everything under the sun, and you are going to give yourself wholeheartedly to them to give them what they need. But then you realize that the typical sacrifices are not enough. Do you say “Whoa, there is a limit here” and cut your losses? Or do you continue to give give give? And then at some point, you feel like you have passed that point of no return. Is there still a point where you can cut your losses, even though there would be huge ramifications? Then, if you are like me, you start really contemplating the risk/reward. Is it going to be worth it? The only answer I’ve been able to come up with is “It better be worth it!” because I knew for certain I’d long past that point of no return.

Well I’m here to report that I think, I believe, currently, that we are on the better side of it. I have said that before and hope TO GOD I haven’t jinxed myself. Yes, I know you shouldn’t put GOD and jinxed in the same sentence. It’s my secondary PTSD talking. It’s superstitious. It worries, allll the time.

So, I’m trying to make myself more of a priority. I’m in my late 30s and feel like I’m in my early 80s. My body hurts, constantly. My hair is much thinner than it should be. I should be on meds but can’t quite afford them. I’m so out of shape it’s ridiculous. 2012 was supposed the year I put myself first. Let’s just say it was a transition year and I’m behind on transitioning.

Our biggest battles with RAD seem to be random nightmares of being taken from me. The only other RAD related problems are really, in my opinion, are developmental stuff with some of her sensory lags. I still feel like they are mendable. But I think most of Penelope’s issues are really related to PTSD. They’ve been there but the attachment problems were in the way. Attachment = Traction. Without the attachment, I was never going to get anywhere with the rest of the stuff. Still a lot of work to be done and I’m still anxious for her to move past what issues she still has, but only because I just see them as barriers to her happiness.

I think she is a much happier kid. She is having fun and we get along very well, considering. She is 15 now and I get on her nerves and I ask too much of her, and sometimes I say embarrassing things. But for the most part, she finds me funny and I’ve learned she tells her friends positive things about me. She is fun to pick on, I must say. I try not to do it too much because her issues makes her take things too personally sometimes but I’m snarky and I can’t help it. She also is a very open book, way more than I was at her age. I have to tell you one of the funniest things that happened recently. So, writing in a complete comprehendible fashion is not one of her strengths. It doesn’t help that for most of her academic life, she has had teachers scribe for her. Then there is auto-correct, and the corruption of the English language via texting and email. Oh, and her phone will scribe for her too! So, she is on this anime message board and is talking to another anime fan. She shows me a message from someone on the board “What country are you from? Your English is great! Assuming it’s your second-language.” Too funny! And sad.. yes, very sad too. But just reinforces my comments about her spelling and grammar. Not just me kiddo! It’s not just me.

Fantasy vs. Reality

I was cleaning today and came across this piece of paper that was sticking out from under the living room sofa. It made me laugh as its,well, 1) it's funny, and 2) I was just thinking about Penelope's progress in regards to fantasy and reality. I have been thinking a lot about the challenges we've had to encounter trying to get effective treatment.
I just finished attending the Childrens Defense Fund (CDF) Conference in Cincinnati. Even though it was for work, I was so grateful to get to go to this conference. It was mindblowing. I will talk about the Conference in a different post in more detail but for this topic I am bringing it up now because one of the many issues covered at the conference is, what I have heard called "Early Childhood Education." I have seen it addressed from several different perspectives. I've even heard, to my joy, people use the word "attachment." Frustrating for me, as a mother of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, I still never see any real importance placed on developing mental health treatment strategies. The focus is always around prevention/intervention.
I'm not disgarding the importance of it by any stretch because I agree investing in early childhood education and development has a large ROI, but what about us parents who need access to effective treatment. We are past the prevention standpoint. Trauma happened. Trauma experienced at different periods of our life will effect us differently. Even though RAD is caused by trauma, you can't just uniformily apply a treatment that works for PTSD. And my experience has been that is what is the go-to strategy. It didn't work. BOY did it not work. Besides not working, it made things worse. It stoked the fire, so to speak. I also think that those treatment facilitators also have seen it not work. It explains why so many of us are told from the onset that there isn't much anyone can do, and "the child will end up in residential treatment" and sometimes because of this lack of effective community based treatment, families have had to hand over custody of there child in order for the child to get treatment that may or may not be helpful.
I do want to say that I am no expert on the value of residential treatment to a child with RAD. I've heard of short term successes at best. I think there are too many variables, the type/severity of RAD, the facility's environment and management practices, and the staff's knowledge and treatment methods. I've heard of facilities that insist that families are included in treatment plan development and the treatment process (which I would think should be standard in all) but I've also heard stories where the family is alienated. I've heard stories were the child "got better" in regards to their behavior, but shortly after they returned home the child reverted back to their old behaviors. I know that there are special facilities that focus on RAD but I have not heard any stories about their successes.
My point is that I feel there is a lopsided approach to reactive attachment disorder, in it's spectrum of severity, that leaves such a huge gap that so many children, and their families fall through. Actually, I'd call it a cliff. Once the child is past a certain age, you are on your own. If the child/family didn't get the preventative/interventative help needed, it's too bad and too late. We will try again with the next one. This leaves many families desperate to help these children.
This is an issue beyond the child welfare system. Actually, let me back up and say that the approach I'm referring to isn't even about reactive attachment disorder, as I've not heard one person use that term when discussing the benefits of investing in early childhood education and development. Everything I hear skirts around it. The word attachment is used more and more but no one wants to label. I get the aprehension. But what you are talking about IS reactive attachment disorder, in some degree of severity.
This approach focuses on early childhood education and development but then only addresses treament at an early intervention stage, teaching parents parenting skills that promote healthy development. But this leaves out the children past that stage of development where the effects are there. This approach leaves out all the work that can be done on aggressively identifying the effects of trauma on the developing brain, identifying effective treatments beyond behavioral, educating the schools, the insurance carriers, medical professionals, and developing educational programs to produce specialists in this field to make treatment accessable to families in their communities. And I know some of this is already being done. Obviously all this costs money. And the ROI is higher when you invest in ECE. Okay, but someone has to also invest in these older children.
We have been fortunate enough to find therapists who work strickly with children diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder. They used treatment they call attachment therapy. If you do a google search on attachment therapy, you will see how controversial it is. I have seen on youtube and read articles about attachment therapy from years ago that were shocking, yes. But it's not what we've experienced. I was reading a website that declared themselves advocates for children in theapy but it's all about how they consider attachment therapy and parenting abusive. Reading through it, most of it is refers to those practices from the past. It's apparent they have no idea what they are talking about. Actually, it was rather upsetting to read in that it actually blames the parents for the cause of the voilence the child exhibits. That it should be considered that the reason children with RAD are well behaved outside the home is because their parents cause them to behave badly in the home! What a crock of poo. With all that anti-AT, then where do they tell you to go for treatment? They have a list of "evidenced-based treatment interventions". Interventions being the key word. I looked up each one. They are prevention if not intervention treatments. Nothing for the older child. I know from talking to our attachment therapist that there is more supportive research out there as they continued to strive for that trophy title "evidence-based." It's costly to do the research, she said. Obviously it would be ideal to have AT awarded with the term "evidence-based." But the term ends up meaning little to parents who have sought out evidenced-based treatment and it horribly not work. Then you seek out treatments with emperical evidence. That's what attracted me to AT. When I asked the nationally recognized children's hospital who diagnosed Penelope with RAD and had been treating her, with their own admission, unsuccessfully about AT, I was told "We don't do that here.." Of course, when I shared with Penelope's psychiatrist, who we no longer need!, that she was in AT he was none too thrilled.
Even the powers to be where we get AT have a hard time with it. I know from working with their office for the last 4 years, it's hard to get buy-in. Even for our therapist, internally. When we started there, it was a team of two that worked as attachment therapists. They did 2 week intensives, one at a time with a one week break to recooperate. They had a wait-list. The lead therapist left shortly after our two year mark, for reasons that can be classified as lack of buy-in by the powers to be. For me, it was rather devistating. As the lead therapist, she was the one who I met with while Penelope worked with the other therapist doing neurofeedback. So the lead therapist was the one I had a stronger relationship with and leaned on the most during those really hard times. When you feel like you've been let down by so many mental professionals in the past and you finally find the right ones, and then they leave, especially during a really horrific period? Well, you develop your own abandonment issues. The one therapist that remains was offered the manager position but declined for self-preservation reasons. I believe I've grown even more attached to her than the prior lead therapist. But I can tell the burden of being the only attachment therapist, the emotional vacumn working with these children can be, and the internal politics that must still be going on has taken it's toll. I'm sure it didn't help when I told her about the conversation I had with one of those powers to be in her office who decided they wanted to bill the therapy seperate from the neuro work which essentially doubled my co-pay. I explained I couldn't afford it but Penelope needed it, and she in a round about way explained that Penelope really didn't need neuro because it doesn't really work... After the lead therapist left, instead of replacing the position, they tried training one of the other therapists in the office to assist when doing intensives but it didn't work out. So now they don't have intensives anymore.
I just think, what a disservice for these children and families. We drive over an hour to and from therapy because of the lack of services available. I just can't imagine, after everything that I've learned that there just isn't a big enough demand in the theory of supply and demand.

Okay, if you've actually read this far, I will tell you about the picture. So, this letter wraps up 3 of Penelope's favorite things/dreams. 1) She wants to go to school to become a Forensic Anthropologist like Bones 2) She also wants this university to be based in South Korea because she is a huge K-Pop and all things asian pop culture fan, and eventually wants to live there and marry a hot Korean K-Pop idol (star) and 3) She read a YA romantic comedy with hot vampires in it and the lead female character is Raven Blackwar. She loves it so much that she somehow was able to get her teachers and some of the students to call her Raven last year. The XD at the bottom is an emoticon, if you didn't recognize it. It seems in southeast asia, the emoticons are more elaborate than the ones I've learned. The funniest part, in my opinion, is the attempt at the Korean alphabet or Hangul. If you were to ask, she would tell you she knows both Japanese and Korean languages, spoken and written. I just give her the one raised eye brow expression "Oh really?" and she looks away.

Self Esteem

I have a couple posts in draft that I need to finish but I needed to write this. So Penelope is going to start her  Freshman year of high school in less than 3 weeks. She has done absolutely nothing this summer so far to "make the best of it" and frankly she has been a lazy sack of potatoes. But she has been at my parents. To old for camp, not thatit was in the budget, but to young/untrustworthy for anything other than bring with my parents. But they don't do any more than feed her and occasionally interact with her which is her preference. Her ideal day is watching videos or listening to music through surgically attached headphones all day.
I bring this up because I can't imagine her self imposed isolation not contributing to her already low self esteem.
Last night was the third time she has "shared"with me her new interest in a fashion style she discovered online called "Cyber Goth." She has been touting her just-regular Goth interests for the last 2 years. And, in an attempt to allow her some rebellious fashion choices, I've bought her several tops that have skulls on them. But they have to be girl clothes. I put temporary blue dye in her hair for her 8th grade dance. I've done her nails up black, which I think is more mainstream now. But I drew the line on allowing her to get her hair died black. It just wouldn't look right on her naturally strawberry blond thick hair and fair freckled skin.
Harriet dies her hair black once in a while and it looks awful on her.
But last night is different than Penelope's usual requests for shock value. She really honestly wanted this. She is trying to reinvent herself for Freshman year it seems, obviously unhappy with herself. Not unusual.
I told her that I won't allow her to change her appeared to something unnatural and generally unaccepted as a means to push people away. That its a defense mechanism for someone who feels unaccepted to try to own that by being rejected for looking like someone their not versus having no control over being rejected for looking themselves. That they want to be rejected.
I'm not against rebelling against mainstream conformity but as long as it is done in a healthy way. This ain't it.
Oh, I must mention, since I haven't posted that part yet, that she has started messaging Harriet through Facebook. Or really its the other way around but with Penelope's approval...and mine, of course. Under heavy monitoring well. Penelope seems to be doing okay with it but I see the first crack.
In this proves of communication and "Facebook friendship," Penelope has had the opportunity to check out her mother's photos of herself. She has not aged gracefully. Who would in her shoes? She looks awful. The many years of heavy smoking, medication, past (?) drug use and alcohol have taken their toll. I suspect the life of living in poverty on a miniscule disability check doesn't help either. But this is the image Penelope sees. And she sees herself in Harriet, as she always has. This has really depressed her.
Last night after some huffy moments on her part and me calling her put on her attempts to start a fight with me, she declares she "is ugly." When she looks in the mirror she sees both her mom and her dad and she hats it. She doesn't want to look like them, and that's way she wants to cover up her natural beauty with costumey hair and makeup and clothes. She would be a freak at her little town high school.
With that said, I'm at a loss as to help her with this self image problem. I will lovingly say, she is in that ugly duckling stage. She has poor posture.She is overweight and carries it all in the belly. She finally started to take shows which is a huge blessing. But she has never, on her own, dried her hair with a dryer but prefers it back in a scrunchy. She is rather unkempt looking. She makes no effort to do anything with her appearance.
I tell her she is beautiful, because she is. But when you point out her attributes, she is just reminded of her mother, who she hates identifying with. I think there is something therapeutic in facing these issues but at the same time, her self esteem is already severely damages.

Penelope turns 15 years old.

So yesterday was Penelope’s birthday. She turned 15 years old. Just like any holiday, it stresses her out. This is the first year in many she was allowed to have her birthday include George. She hasn’t seen Harriet in 4 years, not since the second hospitalization when her doctor wrote a letter that it was in my niece’s best interest – to put it simply. At that time, as a family, we decided to cut George out for the time being as well, with the approval of her new attachment therapists. The reconciliation, if you can call it that, between Penelope and her dad has been over many months. She has seen her dad maybe 5 times since November and talks for about 20 minutes every Saturday over the phone. Before that it was emails back and forth for several months using me as the messenger/screener. This is the first attempt at reconciliation that hasn’t been a complete disaster since 4 years ago.

With that said, both Harriet and George just crapped all over this young lady’s birthday in their own special ways. Harriet called George crying and wanting to speak to her daughter. You may wonder "Why didn’t she call you, her guardian?" Because she knows I would say no. Not because it would be the wrong thing to do for so many reasons (she is dealing with a high level of stress as it is, let’s walk before we run, and .. most importantly.. she is still really really angry with Harriet for what she has done) but for a much more deluded reason that includes my stealing her daughter (who must have bipolar disorder like her, not RAD because she didn’t do anything wrong!) from her and brainwashing her into thinking her mother is a horrible person. George, before I got to my parents where we were having the celebration, answered the call with Penelope standing there knowing why Harriet was calling. Which I didn’t find out until we were leaving. Probably one of the main reasons Penelope regressed to about 7 emotionally, the age she was right before she came to live with me. Her behaviors towards her dad were sexualized. And he ate it up. My mom, who is his biggest defender, even told him to knock it off. I ended the evening short and became the bad guy. He goes "Daddy’s gotta go bye bye now." Really?? I turned to my Mom and said "Mommy. Your daughter’s gotta go bye bye now" with puppy eyes. She just chuckled uncomfortably. Not a mature response on my part to his actions but better than walking into the kitchen and grabbing a knife and stabbing him multiple times.

Penelope was already outside with the dog waiting for him to leave. He was taking his time. When I was walking him out the door, I found out about the phone call from Harriet. I chastised him for answering it when his daughter was there. He likes upsetting Harriet when he can, "forgetting" how it could affect his daughter. When her dad finally drove away, I asked her how she was and she said she was on the verge of tears, very emotional. Not because he left but just raw to all the stress. Within the 60 seconds after he left, she said these things going from 7 yo to her own age emotionally. Amazing. The dam did eventually break, about 10 minutes later, and she did end up crying her eyes out. Nice way to finish a birthday. I keep telling myself "Could be worse. Has been worse." I hate her parents.

School

So, school… Over the two weeks, it’s become more transparent that things at school have deteriorated. And rather than talk to me about it, the school has made decisions, counter to what I’ve discussed with them, that have only made things worse. I’d like to believe that her teachers and the administrators care about Penelope and put value in my words. But I’m not getting that warm and fuzzy feeling anymore.




There were symptoms prior, but it all started with Penelope’s issues with tardiness and how the school was dealing with it. Previously, I’ve been the one who has complained about the fact she was tardy all the time. That there needs to be consequences from the school. “Please hold her accountable.” That’s all I wanted. I was told that the tardies are not a big issue because she’s only like a minute or two late which is better than it used to be so not to worry. But then it progressively got worse as school projects became due etc. So, the Assistant Principal up’d the ante. If she was tardy one more time, he was going to give her an in-school suspension or a 2 hour Friday Study (detention) versus the 45 minute detentions she had been getting. I praised her teacher for that decision knowing it would work. I had asked for a stricter consequence before but was told that it wasn’t possible because detentions are the rule. Her teacher thanked me for being supportive because most parents get upset when you discipline their kids. Not a problem here. Well, Penelope straightened right up and was on time for like 2 weeks. But you know it couldn’t last forever, that she was going to falter and test the boundaries. She had a falling out with her friends and they booted her from the lunch table that Friday. Pretty stressful stuff for any middle school-er. She had a bad weekend and I ended up keeping her home on that Monday, but she was strong enough to go to school the next day. Yes, no fun to have to face her peers again after that major rejection but she needed to be on time. She knew that expectation. But she dragged her feet and was 15 minutes late. Nothing happened. Late again. Nothing happened. Late again. Still, nothing happened. The next week she was given one detention. Late again. And again. Then I find out that her teacher and the Assistant Principal had made a deal with Penelope. If she was to school on time 3 of the 5 days, they would excuse the tardies PLUS she’d get 30 minutes of free time during class. After all that praising, did I find that out from the school of this change? No! From Penelope.



I didn’t say anything at first. I was really disappointed that they did this and was trying to figure out how to handle it. I’m trying to be a supportive parent and build good relationships with her teachers – but I swear, it’s like an endless cycle of nothing. You think you are getting through but it’s just a bunch of smoke and mirrors. And by the time you figure it out, it’s 4th quarter and your child is a mess!



Okay, that was a little jumping ahead. So, a couple of days after finding out about the downgrade of consequences for tardies, I find out she has a couple items due in Language Arts and she had a homework detention that day because of it but that Penelope claims the work is at home. I told her teacher that she should check her folder because Penelope typically doesn’t get her papers out of her bag at home, just at the tutoring program. I even offered to bring them up if they are at home, for her homework detention. I hear nothing. That Monday I send an email asking if Penelope got her work done. Of course Penelope told me she did, but I wanted to verify. Her teacher said she did. She even got an A on her vocab test. So the only thing left in the quarter is to have 5 essay questions about a book done by the end of the week. That gives her 4 days to do it. It’s online. I let Penelope know that I know about them and I’m here for help if she needs any. That Thursday, the day before it’s due, I get an email from her teacher saying that Penelope doesn’t have any of the essay questions done and needs to have 2 of the 5 questions completed by the 11:30 PM Friday online and that she has a Social Studies test on Friday. That Penelope told her she would ask me for help but she wanted to let me know “in case she changes her mind.”



I didn’t actually get the message until the following morning right when I woke up and checked my phone. Ugh. First, Penelope never mentioned her essay questions to me so I’m sure she didn’t do them. Also, unless she studied in the after school program, she didn’t study for her Social Studies test. But also important to mention – It seems her procrastination in doing her essay questions awarded her the opportunity to not have to do 3 of them. Nice.



I go to find Penelope to wake her up for the morning. She is sleeping on the couch – her typical “I’ve been up all night stressing about something” place. She tells me she is feeling sick to her stomach. I said “Does it have anything to do with the essay questions or the Social Studies test?” She covered her head with her blanket. I told her I just read an email from her teacher telling me about them. She whipped the blanket down and said “Yeah! You were supposed to help me!” I said “I was here all evening to ask. I can’t help unless you ask.” She responded “I sent you an email!” I told her that I didn’t see an email from her. She said “But I sent you one!” I said, with as much empathy as I could muster “Honey, I am available to help you with your homework whenever you ask me.” She grunted and walked out of the room. Seriously, she is trying to put this on me? Where’s the ownership?



I emailed her teacher back:

“I didn't read your email until this morning. Penelope didn't mention anything to me. I found her sleeping on the sofa this AM which means she had stomach cramps. I asked if it was because of the essays and her test and she became mad at me for not saying I'd help her with her essays. She claims she emailed me during 2nd bell, which I have double checked and I don't have any emails from her. I told her I just read your email about it. Regardless I explained she had every opportunity to ask last night but she knows that. The bigger issue is her lack of ownership of her work. I told her I was disappointed that she is taking this road because I can see how unhappy it makes her.

I also am just overall disappointed because I feel like we are failing her. We are sending her conflicting messages which have got to be confusing. She is a smart kid and I believe knows what she should do but when we hold her to a lower standard then the rest of the kids, what message does that send? Will doing that help her later in life? If, Mr. promises (which is how it should be considered) to giving her either a 2 hour detention or an in-school suspension, what message does it send when she is tardy for 4 or 5 days straight and given 1or 2 regular detentions and then promised that if she shows up 3 of the 5 days, the other 2 would be forgiven and she will be rewarded? The only reason she made it on time as much as she has is because twice in the past week I've had to be at work early and offered to drop her off at the cafe for breakfast. But I can't afford to do that every day, nor should I. Homework is the same way. If she gets behind because she doesn't want to do it, she only has to do part of it. I'm glad that there will be no late persuasive essay papers but I question the consistency. I'm not there and know the daily routine of holding kids accountable, and I know parents harp about not wanting their kids to get in trouble - but here I am, the minority I guess, wanting Penelope to get the message consistently that we care about her and want her to succeed by holding her accountable now, while the issues are small and the consequences trivial (compared to adulthood), with empathy (not sympathy nor anger) for the poor choice SHE made. She will learn from this. You, , nor I will be there to solve her problems for her forever.

I'm mad at myself for not being persuasive enough. And I can't figure out why you and feel it's better to handle these situations with her this way. I don't know what else to do. I want to work together on this. If you need something - buy-in from someone or resources you don't have, tell me.



Her response was:

Hi,

I'm sorry you feel we are making the wrong choices with Penelope. When I didn't hear from you about the tardy plan (which as you stated isn't working anyway) I assumed you were okay with it. In her IEP though it says for a reduction in work at a time of high stress. I was reacting to your input of Penelope's physical symptoms and panic attack due to stress. When Penelope shuts down she does not engage in the learning environment at all. I was trying to give a manageable amount of work so she wouldn't be so overwhelmed and not try anything. If she sits in in-school suspension, she basically has a free day where if she "looks" like she is working, the supervisor let's her be. I think I'm not sure what you want. The reduced number of test essays for the novel was part of our differentiation in class. There were some other students with their assignments adjusted as needed as well. We start a new quarter when we come back, and Penelope's IEP is up as well. Perhaps we should get together and talk if what you want is very different than what is currently in play. She will not be able to keep up with the volume of work at the high school though, and will need some modification leeway, but we can talk. Do you want to come in either Monday or Tuesday (around 1:30) so we can sit down and hammer out a plan on paper? Let me know if that would work for you.



My response:

I can come in Tuesday, April 10 at 1:30. This is in addition to our scheduled IEP renewal meeting Wednesday, April 11? Just want to make sure.

I do remember that the IEP says something similar to reduction in work at a time of high stress, and maybe the way it's written needs to change. It was my understanding that this was a last resort and I would be included in the decision to any changes to her work/curriculum. I've always said that I want her to have the same curriculum requirements as her peers. The exception would be made during critical levels of stress/meltdowns. If you want to know what a real critical level of stress/meltdown looks like, talk to <6th grade Intervention Specialist>. Part of Penelope's ability to grow stronger emotionally is to have the opportunities to fail and get back up. To have a hard time dealing with something and then overcome it.

I tell you how she's doing on rough days for her so you are aware and are looking out for signs where she needs that reinforcement the most.

I tell you for 3 reasons. 1) I don't know if she does this around you or not, but when something is overly bothering her she will vent about it in nonsensical ways. 2) She develops false ailments, like this morning she had a hurt finger from an injury that happened yesterday - but it just started hurting really bad today. 3) And most importantly, I tell you because her go-to coping skill is avoidant behavior. So I tell you so you are aware that she is trying to cope with some issues.

Sometimes she needs a few minutes to calm herself. But mostly she needs the positive support of boundaries - empathy and consequences.

Being held accountable so she doesn't get behind and have it snowball on top of her. And if she does, being supportive while she digs herself out. Not making her but having the choice of digging herself out much less painful. You said "When she shuts down, she doesn't engage in the learning environment at all." What does that look like?

What does she do in class? What happens? How does she get engaged again?

The reason in-school suspension is effective for her is that it takes her out of the social piece of school. It's a much more painful consequence than detention. Detentions have not been effective because they are sporadic and they take her out of the After School Program. Plus she gets out of school 30 minutes earlier. But that's not the issue I'm having. The problem I have is that she was promised something that didn't happen. It's the message it sends. The boundaries aren't really there. You can't rely on or trust this person. Broken promises are lies. It's pretty black and white thinking but I'm just letting you know. Boundaries are promises that make us feel safe. I'd rather the plan had reverted back to detentions for every tardy because at least that's the current standing rule for all students. She was perfectly fine being late Monday and Tuesday of this week because as she put it. "I'm allowed to be late."

The only other question I have is what do you mean that she will not be able to keep up with the workload at the high school?



Her response and last email:

Yes, in addition. Can't really respond now as I am leaving town. If you feel she should do all 5essays like everyone else, then have her do them. The directions are with the assignment on blackboard and they need to be completed and submitted by 11:30 tonight.



Soooooooo frustrating. That day, and through today, I try to look back at what I could have done differently or better to communicate Penelope’s needs while walking that fine line of not being an overbearing parent, requesting the unrealistic and not stepping up and supporting Penelope. I feel like I say the same thing over and over and over on deaf ears. I’d like to believe that I’m not the only one who wants her to do well. I know that there is a limited amount of resources to support Penelope so I’m try to recognize that in my communications with her teachers. I also feel like if they would just take my suggestions to heart, it would alleviate the pain of trying to make this child work harder.



Penelope believes she works way too hard. It’s my belief she works really hard at not doing her work. She spends all her mental energy on avoiding the work and then expends more fretting about getting in trouble, and then expends more on feeling bad about herself. By the end of the day she just wants to crawl into a hole and not think about it because she is out of emotional energy.



It’s not like I don’t understand why the school makes the decision to reduce her work and their expectations of her. It’s a knee jerk reaction hoping for an immediate result. But we are battling learned helplessness and a horribly low self-esteem. When you lower your expectations of her, how does that help? She has repeatedly shown that the amount of work isn’t the issue – she purposefully falls short of it regardless how much there is. The issue is her ownership. “I don’t want to do it, so figure out a solution for me to pass Teacher.” That’s the attitude she has.

Even if it’s a situation where you have to start from scratch with her, you should progressively raise that bar. Here we are at the end of 8th grade and the teacher is talking about Penelope not being able to handle the workload in high school? I feel like we’ve only gone backwards this year.



I tried to have a conversation with Penelope about this. I don’t know what else to do – if I can’t get the school to hold accountable and own her education – then I need to talk to her about it. But she brought up an excellent point. “Why do I have to do it if they (her teachers) say I don’t have to??” This is the attitude of any student really. It’s created by the way our education system works. Some kids get it and try to work towards goals they have set. If the school doesn’t provide the necessary classes to reach their goals, they look outside it for opportunities – volunteering, joining groups, sports teams, or classes at a local center. But most kids just put in their time and don’t connect their daily visits to the local school to their future. “If the school or teachers don’t require it, I must not need it.” At the same time, if the teacher exempts a child from school work, how are they supposed to prepare for tests and assessments?



So here I am. It’s Spring Break and next week starts 4th quarter. I have a child who has decided that she should have to do anything more than what her teachers ask of her – but even then won’t do that much either. I follow the Love & Logic principles of empathy and consequences. Penelope has progressed with our attachment and her behavior so much because of this approach. I’ve tried to instill this approach with her teachers. But it’s not worked. I wonder if it’s just because I’m the one saying it. Who am I to tell THEM this information? In 5th grade I made a point to buy a DVD for her teachers to watch to help them understand RAD and what works for kids like Penelope. I was told by the Principal that they probably took offense. After 6th grade, I thought that I’d have more success because of Penelope’s less oppositional, more fear based symptoms. Not so much.



Part of me wants to just have this meeting on Tuesday with her teacher and say “You will do things MY way” and lay out a plan. Maybe that’s what she needs. She says “I think I’m not sure what you want.” I can be crystal clear. Maybe I’ve been too wishy-washy about it. I’ve been relying on them as professionals with their teaching degrees to know what is best for her at school.



The other option is just hash it out and but I’m not sure what that looks like or how effective that would be. I don’t necessarily know how effective going in with Love & Logic plan either. I feel like my voice is small and I’m just going to get a lot of push back.



I just want what is best for Penelope and support the people who work with her.



It’s obvious I’m going to have to get a tutor to work with her as early as next week, but definitely over the summer and next year.

Family Disconnection

My last post was pretty long and I know that’s a bit of a faux pas in blogging. That’s why I should blog more often. But I’ve never been one to be short with my posts.


The majority of the last one was about the visits with George and how Penelope has been coping with them, which was most important to get down. My challenges have been separate from Penelope, as of late. Connected, but not caused by her. She has been, for the most part, pleasant to be around. We have our moments - where I have to remind myself to be patient with her and then call her nasty names after we are separate. Okay, I’ve only done that twice. Some of these moments don’t resemble the moments in the past that remind me of her mental illness and draw out that part of me that just wants to ring her neck. I’d rather have those moments even though I think I handle the other ones better.

The thing that’s been on my mind the most lately is my deteriorating relationship with my twin brother. I need to start with the fact that I had decided to make 2012 a year to put some focus on me. To take better care of me. The first quarter of the year is almost over and I’m not where I should be but any progress, is progress right? I’m not going to feel guilty about it.

Anyway, one of those pieces is to try to have some fun. My list of friends is pretty short/non-existent. I could re-kindle some old friendships from before Penelope, before I dropped off the face of the earth, but then I think how I’d have to explain everything and their potential lack of understanding, and the awkwardness of it along with the awkwardness of how much I’ve changed and our paths have drifted so far apart. I’m not the high energy go-getter I used to be. I don’t do happy hours, or go on weekend trips, or have Sunday afternoon lunches with the girls anymore. I tried to keep up that part of my life after Penelope came to live with me, but I had so much on my mind, so emotionally raw with what was going on at home, I couldn’t contribute to the conversation or the fun anymore. I felt like a tag along, a empty vessel that was using up space at the lunch table we sat at. That’s the best I can explain it really. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling so I just distanced myself from them.

I have two friends. I don’t talk to them very much and they are not strong friendships really. One is Alice, who was the Volunteer Coordinator for the non-profit that Penelope did community service at – playing card games with mentally ill/previously homeless residents. She introduced me to, my now client, Chelsea. Alice is probably one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met. She is very involved in politics and knows EVERYBODY. She is a bit older than me but I tend to gravitate towards people older than me. Chelsea is my age and we don’t have much in common but we get along very well. Since Chelsea is my age, and my only “friends” my age are my twin brother and his wife, I thought to have a dinner party/game night or something like that with them. I didn’t want to tie it down to anything in particular. Just a get together. Chelsea is married so I told her to bring her husband. I told my brother that he could invite a couple of their friends that I’ve met that seem nice. After three attempts over about two months of trying to get this thing to happen, I gave up. My brother had cancelled on me at the last minute all three times. If he didn’t come, his wife wasn’t going to come and neither of them came, then their friends wouldn’t come, and that just left Chelsea and her husband and me embarrassed so I kept postponing it. After the 3rd attempt and failure I gave up. His reasoning was either work, too tired from work or he forgot about some other thing he had already committed to. In a conversation with my mother, I told her I wasn’t going to try to reschedule it this time. It was too embarrassing. This made her mad enough I guess that she called my brother at some point and told him as much. She confronted him about why he was blowing me off. You have to understand that when my Mom gets mad about something, she tends to mix in other things that make her mad and make it about her and how she feels about it. I don’t say that in a slam against her, it’s just something that I’ve learned about her that I have to pick through when I’m trying to understand an issue she is having. It had been about a week since my last cancelled get together, and she called me to tell me about this fight she had with him and how ticked off she was. She went on about how much she loves her grandchildren and would be there for them more if it wasn’t for his daughter-in-law. She never wants her around. She doesn’t want any of us around. She just wants him all to herself etc. etc. She goes on and tells me how when she asked him if the reason he has been cancelling is because of Penelope, that he said yes. She said “I asked him why are you not close to your sister anymore and he said ‘Because she still has Penelope’.” Then she went on to say how mad that makes her and that she will always be there for Penelope and I and that yes she is there more for Penelope than his kids but that’s because Penelope needs her more than his kids do…. I’m stunned at this point as she continues to ramble on about herself and just skim over what she said. So I said “Hold on. What did he say?” She said “He said he doesn’t want to be around you anymore because you still have Penelope.” My whole body went numb. “Because you still have Penelope…..” I said “Are you sure that’s what he said? I mean, are you sure he didn’t mean something else like because I have Penelope, it’s hard to get together? (understanding that he or his wife do not want to see her or have her around their kids)” She said “No. I asked him and he said that wasn’t it…. But don’t worry.. You know how he is. It’s not him, it’s his wife. She’s the one….” I don’t remember much after that. I was floored. Both by the revelation and by the delivery! I told her that I had to go. I was, at least planning on, going to sleep.

I didn’t sleep of course. I was devastated. I was full of all kinds of mixed feelings. Part of me was mad, but part of me understood even. I was afraid this was going to happen. I have been tip-toeing around this possible outcome. Making a point to not push my feelings about Penelope on him, or even discuss her to any extent. He asked me to do that a while ago. To not even say her name. My mom told me she purposefully talks about her with him and says her name because she thinks it’s wrong he asks us to. But I don’t agree. I don’t think we should tell him how to think about this. No one has the right, especially me. I picked her over him. I didn’t want it to come to that type of thinking, but it is what it is. Back when it happened, one of the extreme emotions I was having was anger. I told myself “I’m not going to let HER get between us (my brother and I).” I was so scared of loosing my twin brother in this. This decision I made to take Penelope in and help her.. was it worth losing my relationship with my twin brother over? Even with all that anger, I couldn’t answer that. So I made a point to not let it become a question or issue. I thought we had worked through it where we agreed not to let it ruin our relationship. But that was easier said than done. Over the first year following, we had a few arguments. You have to remember that the court proceedings dragged out a good 8 months. Each time there was a court hearing, it all came back up. He thought I was trying to get her off with no consequences. He felt she should be locked up in a mental institution. I had to tell him that wasn’t one of the possible consequences. They felt like, and still do I guess, feel like there really is no hope for her. Even though over time my anger subsided and I was able to look at the situation with more clarity, I felt like they had the right to his own feelings. I just prayed that whatever the consequence the courts handed down were not going to be permanently on her record or cause her more trauma. When her case was dismissed due to her lack of competence to stand trial, I grieved again. I knew that it didn’t give my brother and his wife justice, nor provided any help for her. Of course there was a part of me that was relieved too, because it could have been a worse conclusion too. I didn’t like not having the control over what happens to her and I didn’t trust the system to do it appropriately because of what we had experienced through the trial.

I always wondered how much he was going to blame me for what happened. Shouldn’t I have known? I have my own guilt from it of course. I really thought that was the issue to be worried about. Not that I still have her. That I made a choice. I thought he wouldn’t put that on me. Consider it a choice between her and him. That’s where most of my hurt is.. that he doesn’t care enough about me to not consider it a choice. To make it a choice by doing this. To have wanted me to give up on her. But then again, who am I to tell him how to think.