As I written before, Penelope has been disclosing a lot in attachment theapy. A lot of this has been prompted by her sexual compulsions and, what I believe to be, her emotional raw-ness from the court case. She has been very regressed. Her one attachment therapist feels she has taken many steps backwards. I believe she has take many steps backwards in some ways but also many steps forward. Yes, she is questioning the trust and her attachment to me, and I do think her ability to attach has been hampered. But I also believe that we have made great strides in her ability to attach and those strides will give us traction during her dealing with her trauma.
The way I few this is we need to make sure she has, and is willing to use, her coping tools. That is the big focus in truama therapy - and it makes complete sense. Making sure she has the right tools. That her chosing in how she decides to cope are not self-harming or destructive. For example, she has scratched and picked at the skin on her legs to the point she has soars all over her legs. If it wasn't high humidity and in the 90s almost every day, I'd put pants on her. But there are other things too from a behavioral side.
But part of my job is also to provide her the support she needs in order to make the right decisions and help soothe her. When I'm not with her, then it has to be Grandma or Papaw. She trusts Papaw and knows he can handle her so usually anything he does that upsets her, she tends to settle down pretty quickly. He's never put her into a state of rage. Grandma on the other hand, it doesn't take much for Penelope to go into a fit of rage. She knows Grandma can't handle it, and Grandma falls into the "traps" Penelope sets up. Penelope knows how to push her buttons and Grandma bites back and then it's WWIII in the house. Grandma is throwing up her hands (showing Penelope she can't handle her) and Penelope is locking herself in a room or closet talking about hurting herself. I just wish there was a way to teach Grandma or give her the strength to do this. My dad things she just won't even try. And honestly, it looks that way. My mom is so self-involved and so defensive.
She lies and deflects. One day I had come home from work and Penelope was all aggitated and full of attitude. Figured out she was upset with Grandma. Grandma had brought up Harriet in a conversation in the car traveling and "wouldn't shut up about it" saying bad things about her and it just made her sad and upset and then angry at Grandma for bring her up. About a month ago we had a similiar issue and it was agreed that the topic of Harriet was off limits unless Penelope had questions. I asked my mom if she had had a conversation with Penelope about Harriet and she said "No. Of course not. Is that what she said? She is mad at me and is trying to get me in trouble" and walked off. Right after she walked off, Penelope came back in the room and said "I heard everything she said and she is A LIAR!" and walked off. Great. So I followed her into her playroom and told her that "We are going to all sit down and talk about this because we can't do these side conversations. We need to resolve this" not taking sides. She came out and sat in the living room. I asked my mom to come in when she was done in the kitchen so we can "resolve this." When she came in I repeated what happened but also set the rules of no yelling, no meanness and only facts on what happened and feelings about it. I asked my mom to tell us what the conversation was about. She went detail by detal of the conversation they were having in the car but then said how she brought up Harriet and said things about how she didn't take care of Penelope the way she should have and things like that. I asked Penelope if she agreed with Grandma as to how the conversation went. She agreed. So, my mom lied. So we reiterated that the topic of Harriet is off limits. My dad, who was also there, brought up the fact that he has brought up Harriet in conversation and it doesn't make Penelope upset then. Penelope said "I have a special relationship with Papaw." That pissed off Grandma. I said "And you don't with Grandma? Why?" And Penelope started saying how feels about Grandma. That she feels Grandma only cares about herself, and her work. That she says she is going to do something with her and then doesn't. None of this was going over well with Grandma. She sat there with her arms crossed and jaw tight waiting for her turn to rip into Penelope (wasn't going to happen) and Penelope started to get worked up too, maybe seeing Grandma's body language and maybe as a preemptive strike starting saying mean things about Grandma being lazy and never wanting to do things for herself. I told Penelope not to be mean and name-calling is mean trying to keep in productive. Didn't matter though, by the end of Penelope letting out her feelings, Grandma was so pissed off she couldn't speak. But we ended it with "Grandma does love you and didn't mean to hurt you. It wasn't intentional. No more Harriet discussions. I was pissed that Grandma lied. Then, after Penelope went back into her play room, my mom actually said again that she didn't talk about Heather. My dad and I just looked at eachother like "Whaaaat?" Seriously. But how do you get someone who can't even recognize or acknowledge her errors to not do it again? She even said "I don't understand why she is mad." She does that with all of us.
One day she had rented two movies for all of us to watch but after watching the first one it was 9:30 and too late to watch the second one. She wanted to watch it anyway. I asked her to wait until the next night so we could all watch it together. She reluctantly agreed. Then, that night she got busy with phone calls and wasn't done until 9:00. My dad and I had just finished saying it was too late to start the movie. She came in "So you ready to watch the movie?" We told her it was too late being 9pm. She said "Well, I'm going to watch it anyway." I asked her NICELY "Can you wait until after Penelope and I go to bed (within the next 45 minutes) ? That way I don't want to watch only half of it then have to watch the other half later?" My mom immediately became adversarial. "I wanted to watch it ..." My dad chimed in "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ALWAYS ARGUE WITH EVERYBODY?!" and walked out to the patio. His statement was not just responding to this situation but an overall fed up "ness" with the constant arguing. But his yelling wasn't necessarily the right thing either.
This was the same night that Penelope got her birthday card from Harriet. I previewed it first, but she knew it was there and wanted it. It had 13 dollars in it, since she was turning 13 years old. It was a "My dearest daughter" type of card. She was good about the keeping things simple "I love you.... Mommy" on the inside. She does try to keep herself from acting out because she knows she reacts. She was like "Oh, okay." and tries to be like no big deal. But it's when she lets that guard down I guess. Anyway, we had dinner and everything was fine. She went upstairs to watch cartoons before bed. Shortly after was when the blow up happened about the TV. I ended up just going and cleaning up the kitchen and heading to bed early.
When I went upstairs to get Penelope and I ready for bed, I noticed the door was shut. Two of the cats were sitting in the hall staring at me and then looking at that door like "Something going on in there you should know about." I noticed a note on the door and another one that had been pushed out from under the door. Great... Here we go. The note on the door said "YOUARE A BITCH <--Yeah you (my first name instead of Mom) This is my room now. Get your own room!" The note under the door said "I HATE YOU BITCH" While I'm reading these notes I can hear Penelope inside saying very calmly "I am safe now... I am safe now.." That freaked me out. I did know what she had done. I realized she had baracaded the door closed. I shoved my way in and found her under the skirt of her night stand. I sat down and asked her - very calmly - "What's going on? Of course you are safe. You are here, with me. But I see you are mad at me for something. What are you angry about?" She said very calmly, almost with relief, "Oh, I'm not mad. God spoke to me. He told me you are dangerous and I need to not be with you anymore. That you will hurt me eventually." I said "Penelope, God wouldn't say that. He put you in my possession to take care of you and protect you." She said, now a little concerned "Was... it the Devil then?" I said "No sweetie. I believe it was a part of your brain that is reacting to the nice birthday card from Harriet. That it has you scared thinking 'Why should I trust Mom to not hurt me like all those other people in my life who shouldn't have? What makes her so different? She'll do it. So I better push her away and try to hurt her before she hurts me.' Does that sound about right?" She agreed. She then started to cry and say that the card was very upsetting. Specifically the part that says "I love you." She believes that she loves her but "not the way that mattered." Now that in itself is an improvement because before she considered any statement of love from Harriet a flat out lie.
The thing is though, learning about Dissociative Disorder and how it translates into a person's every day behaviors has really opened my eyes. I'm not trying to be an alarmist but just point out to my family "This is why she is acting this way!" After this incident, after she had answered "Yes" to the question "Do you sometimes hear voices," after realizing that there has been times in the past where she has made statements about something or someone told her that she should run away or do this or that. I always thought that it was her not taking ownership in her feelings. But who knows now. I've said things like "She goes into fantasy world" - yep, dissociative. But after this I had to know more. I need to know where we are heading. What does all these mean? Is this the bad to get to the good or is this just all bad? I need it explained.
So I took off work and went to her attachment therapy appointment with Penelope and my parents. I needed to speak to them - 1) because I haven't been to an appointment myself since I started my new job and i need to be updated and have questions answered I can't seem to get clear through my dad, and 2) to maybe try to address the issues at home that exacerbate these problems. I know Penelope has disclosing a lot and I need to hear from them directly how things are. I also know that school time will be here before we know it and Penelope is just a mess. Now I can see why some families decide homeschooling is beneficial. She is so smart. Very creative and has a lot of potential. She just has so much to overcome to tap into it. I wish I could I just have no idea how being a single parent. If my parents were able to be that rock for me, I'd figure out a way.
Anyway, the head attachment therapist agreed that Penelope has probably been more Dissociative than we realized. That she is severe, just shy of Dissociative Identity Disorder. That her Dissociative probably comes and goes and is probably the most severe it's ever been right now. We do need to monitor these voices. I'm glad she said what she said to confirm the significance of Penelope's actions/disorders in front of my parents. I'm hoping it will help them be more agreeable to following my lead on how to help her at home. I even asked "Is there anything we can do at home to help her cope better with all that is going on?" That was too vague about trying to get her to address parenting techniques as she went into Penelope needing a conversation about being allowed to be "sexual" - due to sexual compulsions. She went on for a little bit about that. I won't elaborate but it had to do with self-satisfying methods and all I could think of is "But we share a room right now!" But I know it needs to be address, but as I told her... "I have absolutely no idea how to address that." She understood. We will deal with that next time. And hopefully she and the trauma therapist can get on the same page and we can go about it through trauma therapy too.
The other other thing noteworthy about the therapy session is how I totally pissed off my mom. Well, we were running out of time and Penelope comes first. I brought up how turbulant life is at home. The therapist asked what was the worst thing, and I said "Grandma and Penelope's relationship." My mom went right into how Penelope does this and that and the therapist said "She's being manipulative huh? Well, we will have to talk to her about that." And my mom went on how she gets on her about being on the phone too loud and gets right in your face to ask you a question. "Not respecting boundaries. We can talk about that too." I said "It goes both ways. You have to respect her boundaries too." I brought up the lie about not talking about Harriet. How it crossed a boundary and then she lied about it. My dad brought up how it's just Grandma that can't do these things but it's because of the lack of trust. My mom said "I can't be perfect like you two!" I said "No one is asking for perfection, just some help!" The therapist brought up the testing, how Penelope is testing her conviction. Her trustworthness. I said "Right or wrong, but you have to pass it. You can't let her push your buttons. It's hard. Somehow Dad passed. I barely survived. And now it's your turn." My mom defended herself about the lying, saying she didn't lie but she was just being very general about Harriet. My dad said "No, you lied." So he was in the doghouse too after session. So the therapist brought in Penelope and told her how Grandma didn't lie to her to hurt her feelings, she didn't mean to lie. Tired to make light of it saying that "When you get old like us, your memory gets bad." Just the fact that the therapist was telling Penelope that Grandma lied had my mom visably upset. But she bit her tongue.
My dad told me the next day how we were both awful people and she was thinking of moving out. But, she hasn't and that was almost a week ago. I don't want her to be miserable. I don't want Penelope and I to be the cause of marital problems between them. I just need her to be MY mom and help me.
Showing posts with label dissociative disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dissociative disorder. Show all posts
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
An Everything Bagel
Okay, I didn't know what to name my Post. I need to blog more often but it's been so busy between work, Penelope, and the rest of my family.. but it's important. I can't stop now. But there is a bunch of different topics I want to write about.
I usually write in chronological order, but I have to tell you what happened on Thursday - and Friday. Is it bad to get joy out of our child's pain? Not bad pain but the pain of a consequence that is teaching them why their decision(s) on an issue weren't the best?
Okay, so Thursday was Attachment Therapy. We decided Grandma need to go for reasons I will explain in better detail later. Basically, her and Penelope have been at eachother's throats to the point that I had to leave work early to ensure they were not home together by themselves. Maybe having Grandma at therapy is what sparked the actions that happened that day, may it was some other things that have happened. I am not sure yet. But I do know that when I called my mom when I left work, they were all still together and had stopped at a store. I asked how therapy had gone, she said it went well but that her neurofeedback "brain training" showed her anxiety very high and it just wasn't coming down, probably because Penelope had hurt her her ankle "Here, ask Penelope".. okay. "Hi Penelope! How was therapy?" She says "It was fine, but guess what! Benny (my cat) tripped me on the steps and I fell!" I said "Oh my gosh!" She said "Yeah! and I hit my foot on the railing!" "Wow! Are you okay!" "It hurts so bad!! And there is a big black and blue bruise!" At this point I'm truely thinking 'Wow, that must have been really bad.' I said "I'm sorry to hear that. I will have to look at it when you get home." She said "Yeah. Grandma has been helping me get around." I said "That's good" and finished up the call.
I ended up beating them home by about 10 minutes. Penelope is the first one in the house and she makes a bee-line to her play room. But the route she takes avoids seeing me. I say "Hey! Aren't you going to come and say 'Hi'?" She says "Hold on a minute!" I said "Hello to you too!" She said "I said HOLD ON A MINUTE! GEEESH!" At this point I'm thinking, something happened in the car and she is all pissed off. No, she comes out with a crutch (that was found at the house) limping on her foot. Even though she walks past me, I can tell there is something really fishy about this bruise. I look harder and it and Penelope can see on my face that I'm super suspicious. Before I can get a word out, she says "I don't want you looking at it. You will want to touch it and it hurts just too badly!" I said "I promise not to touch it, I just want to see it." She says, "No! It's fine. You don't need to see it." I decided I'm not going to engage in a battle about this with her. I will go along and she will have to deal with the consequences of her decision of faking a bruised ankle or her ankle will get lots of care and she will get all better. I know it's not bruised, but maybe she did fall and she is just playing it up. Who knows.
I told Penelope "Gosh, you must have really hurt your ankle. You need to go to your room and get that foot elevated by laying in bed. Yeah. You need to stay in bed all day tomorrow to get that to heal properly." She likes this idea and while starting to walk upstairs she says "Oh, okay.. what about breakfast?" I said "Oh, you will have to eat breakfast in bed." Her eyes get big "Eggs and Geotta?" Oh no no, not in bed, it will be something simple like cereal or toast." Her face dropped "Oh." But you can see her think "But that's okay. I still get fed breakfast in bed." She said "What about when I have to go to the bathroom?" I said "Maybe Grandma or Papaw have a bedpan. I don't know..." She said "What's a bedpan?" I said "It's what they have in hospitals for their patients that can't make it to the bathroom. But I don't think we have one." She said "Maybe we can make one." I said "I think you'll be able to manage to get to the bathroom okay." She is upstairs by this point (all by herself) and asks for a glass of juice. "I'll bring it up in a minute" I say.
I tell my dad who is sitting there that Penelope's bruise is fake - that it looks drawn on with a marker or something. He says "Reeeallly.. Well, that would explain why it hasn't swelled up." You think? I'm kinda confused why they didn't notice something wrong with her bruise. Anyway, I told him how we have to handle this little con game she is playing. That she has to stay in bed the rest of the day and allllllll day tomorrow. She may be all about that idea right now, but she is forgetting the last time we went through this, about 2 years ago how absolutely bored she got. I told him she will miraculously improve and want to not have to lay there anymore. But you can't let her get up. And it's not a punishment. You are so happy she is feeling so much better etc etc but just to make sure/just in case etc etc. But this bruise thing. I do want to call her out on it. He suggested putting a cold compress (cold wet washcloth) on it which will wipe off the marking. Great idea. Around this time Penelope yells "Mommy! My foot went numb! I can't feel it!" "Okay, I'm coming!" "And I have to go to the bathroom but I can't move it!" "Okay, I will help you!" So I go up there and stand there while she gets herself up very carefully and uses this crutch she found to help herself to the bathroom. When she goes in there, I go to the another bathroom and start making that cold compress. I said "I have just the thing to make that feel better." She said "Wait, what is it?" "A cold compress" "What's that?" "A washcloth with cold water." "Oh no. Water is too heavy on my ankle. It hurts. No wetness." "What about ice?" She said "Ice is good. Can I have ice?" "Sure."
I go downstairs to get the ice and see Papaw. "Hey Papaw, wetness hurts..." He just chuckles and shakes his head. I get the ice and I make the bag all wet. I show my dad and he knows what I'm up to. So I go upstairs to put the ice on her "bruise." When I walk in the room, it was extremely obvious she darkened the "bruise" alot. It was completely black. A 5 in. diameter perfectly round, perfectly black with crisp edges "bruise." A big black dot on her ankle. I said "Holy cow! It's gotten worse!" She said "Yeah.. I hit it on the crutch on the way back from the bathroom to the bed (a total of 5 steps) and it hurt sooooo bad!" I said "Let me put this ice on it and it will feel better." I put the ice on it and the bag makes her ankle wet. I said "Oh! It's getting wet! Let me wipe it off." And I have the wet washcloth in my other hand and start wiping it clean. The black came off with it. I just look at her like "What is this?" She just looks at me with big eyes. I said "It appears the bruise was drawn on." She is embarassed and angry and starts to cry. "You don't believe that I hurt it!" We had a conversation about that. That I never said that I didn't believe that she didn't hurt it but there was no need to fake a bruise. That I love her and am here to take care of her. She admitted she did it for the attention but kept saying "I did hurt it! Really bad!" She tried to say that it did bruise really badly but then it went away and she wanted it to stay bad so that's why she drew it on. I said that I know that isn't true and kept saying that she doesn't need to fake a bruise to get attention. She kept going on about how it happened and even that she was in "so much pain that she wishes she could just cut her foot off!" I said "Penelope, do we need to go to the hospital??" She put her hands on her hips and gave me the don't-be-ridiculous stare and said "Mom. You are broke and haven't sold anything and I don't want you spending any money." I had to really squash my need to laugh on that one. I actually have a decent check coming next Friday but anyway. I said "Penelope. You are more important than that and if you need to go to the hospital and I have a bill to pay, then so be it. So, do you need to go to the hospital?" She said dramatically, with a sigh"No.... I just sprained my ankle really bad." I never once questioned the fall or that she hurt her ankle. Now if there was any doubt, I now know that it didn't happen because of her insistence it did. I said "That's why you are going to stay here with your feet up the rest of today and all of tomorrow. You will have your DS and your drawing stuff, and you can watch cartoons on TV. She said "Okay.."
I had coached my parents on what I expected Friday to be like and how to handle it. With love and caring and concern but do not let her up from her bed. "That's great you are feeling better but ..."
I called around 1pm from work to check in with my Dad. He said she tried to come downstairs to get toys from her playroom but he says, toys stay in the playroom and that she has things to do in her room and got her back in bed with no major problem. I said "Her boredom has kicked in."
I got a call from my Mom around 4:30 sounding exasperated. She said "Penelope is bored and doesn't want to stay in her bedroom anymore." I started to say "That's the point..." But I could hear Penelope in the background and someone was at the door dropping off something for my Dad. Penelope was there, which meant she was out of her room. My mom was yelling at her to go away and oh yeah, get back upstairs. I try to get my mom's attention because that's not how you are suppose to handle her and she is going to make this thing backfire. She can't hear me. Then my phone starts to beep because my boss upstairs is trying to call me. Then he calls my cubicle neighbor who tells me that they are having a quick meeting to tell us something and to go upstairs. Great. The next thing I know she has handed the phone to Penelope who says "Mommy, I don't want to stay in bed anymore. My ankle feels all better. But Grandma won't let me out of my bedroom. But my ankle isn't red any more and I took a hot bath and it made it feel all better. It doesn't hurt one bit." Now, I can't just blow her off because my boss wants me upstairs so I said "That is so wonderful that your ankle feels so much better so quickly. But I really want to make sure it's completely healed. The last thing I want is for it to get re-injured because it's still weak or hurt. I want it completely healed...." She is going "but.. but..." on the other end. I said "I'm glad the bath made it feel so much better but let's wait until I get home so I can look at it. I have to go now because I have to go to this meeting but I'll call you when I'm on my way home." She is crying at this point "But I am so bored! And it will be hours before you get home!" I said "I know sweety and I hate that you ankle is hurt causing you to be bored. And I will be leaving shortly, then I have to stop at the grocery store, so I should be home in about 1 1/2 hours. I know you can make it." She reluctantly said okay and we ended the call.
Now, the day did backfire a little bit but I do think that she won't fake her injury again, or at least in her memory of this past Friday. But the evening was very difficult. Penelope and Grandma had been at it - again. When I got home I was putting away the groceries for dinner when Penelope asked if I was home yet. Grandma said "Yes, she is in the kitchen cleaning up." This pissed her off because I didn't come straight to her to check on her. I sighed and went upstairs to check on her. She had wedged herself behind a piece of furniture and was pouting. She was all pissed off that I made her stay in bed all day. We discussed the why but that she already knew that. The true reason behind her anger was Grandma. Grandma didn't do that caring loving thing that she was coached on. She did the "Get back to bed!" thing that I heard on the phone. So, as I discovered all her artwork from the day, you can see the pregression from the "I feel loved because I'm being taken care of" pictures to the "I'm bored" pictures then there were the hate letters to me for not letting her get out of her bed, In the past, there wasn't the hate - just the frustration. Not to pin EVERYTHING on Grandma, but I believe that if she didn't yell at Penelope and do it the way she was told, Penelope wouldn't have gotten so angry (not necessarily happy but not scared/untrusting/rage that was the result of Grandma's approach) she would have turned her anger towards me and write her letters. The worst of it was there were self-hating statements in there to. Wanting to hurt herself but her brain won't let her because she knows there is love out there - somewhere.
I got her to not be mad at me anymore but her anger was definitly there and bubbling the rest of the night. Backtalking, stomping of the feet, the huffs, rolling of the eyes, impatience, "Don't touch me," "You are all being to loud," kind of thing. She told me to "Shut up!" at one point and my mom loudly gasped and was ready to rip into her. I put up my hand and handled it the right way. Penelope shortly later backtalked Grandma and my mom made a "tst" noise. Penelope said "Don't treat me like a dog. I'm NOT your dog." She said she meant to "shh" her but it came out "tst." See, my mom watches a LOT of Dog Wisperer. She DVRs it and watches it for hours. She tells myself and my twin brother how the principals on the show can be applied to our kids. (Crazy) But part of what he does when he becomes the alpha dog to his new patient, he "tst"s them to make them stop a bad behavior.
As you can see, I believe my mom is part of our problem on the home front. Last week I came home one night around 9pm after one of our twice a week call nights at work. Penelope hadn't been fed dinner or her meds and was bouncing off the walls. I made her dinner and got her pills in her and learned that Penelope and Grandma had been at it throughout the day. She was so upset with Grandma. Grandma didn't lift one finger to do anything with her. She spent the entire day in front of the TV if not on her phone. She was still in her PJs. So was Penelope in fact. The reason they hadn't ate was because my mother grazed all day and wasn't hungry herself. Penelope was so pissed at Grandma, she didn't want anything from her. Now Penelope, taking advantage of her "freedom" had made all kinds of messes throughout the house. We talked about Grandma and we talked about what she did all day and how things will be changing (one way or another). She had calmed down and was in better spirits. We planned to read together before bed and we were going to have some one on one time so she was happy. But before that she had to clean up a small mess (one of the many) she had made so the cats don't chew on her stuff. She was agreeable to that, but then she forgot a little later and started heading up to bed. I reminded her nicely. I kept everything "no big deal" but she was getting frustrated with having to do it. She didn't want to be near Grandma who was in the room and she decided to bolt up the steps and try to lock herself in the bathroom. I caught the knob before she locked it and held it. She was screaming through the door to go away and she never wanted to speak to me again. I tried to get her to let me in but she said "Just leave me alone! Give me some space! No one respects my boundaries!" I told her that I will give her space when I feel she is safe, but she isn't safe right now. She said she was and I told her it was up to me if she was safe or not and I don't feel she is safe. Then she started talking about how she wanted to kill herself but can't because her brain won't let her. At that point I decided I was pushing my way in. I did that and she cowarded in the corner and was crying and told me not touch her. I slowly caressed her hair which she cowarded from a little, then I held her hand which she let me and I kissed the top of her hand and held it in mine. Then she turned and let me hug her and she cryed and let go and callapsed to the floor hugging my legs. I told her it was going to be all right. She told me my legs were hairy and we both laughed.
But this stuff is draining. I think I've become good at handling it, but boy, it is a total emotional and physical drain! Grandma has got to get on the same page. If I could take Penelope away from there, I would, but my house is for sale/in foreclosure and I don't have any money or steady income. I am still trying to figure that end out but in the job I have, with all this.. there just is no way.
I usually write in chronological order, but I have to tell you what happened on Thursday - and Friday. Is it bad to get joy out of our child's pain? Not bad pain but the pain of a consequence that is teaching them why their decision(s) on an issue weren't the best?
Okay, so Thursday was Attachment Therapy. We decided Grandma need to go for reasons I will explain in better detail later. Basically, her and Penelope have been at eachother's throats to the point that I had to leave work early to ensure they were not home together by themselves. Maybe having Grandma at therapy is what sparked the actions that happened that day, may it was some other things that have happened. I am not sure yet. But I do know that when I called my mom when I left work, they were all still together and had stopped at a store. I asked how therapy had gone, she said it went well but that her neurofeedback "brain training" showed her anxiety very high and it just wasn't coming down, probably because Penelope had hurt her her ankle "Here, ask Penelope".. okay. "Hi Penelope! How was therapy?" She says "It was fine, but guess what! Benny (my cat) tripped me on the steps and I fell!" I said "Oh my gosh!" She said "Yeah! and I hit my foot on the railing!" "Wow! Are you okay!" "It hurts so bad!! And there is a big black and blue bruise!" At this point I'm truely thinking 'Wow, that must have been really bad.' I said "I'm sorry to hear that. I will have to look at it when you get home." She said "Yeah. Grandma has been helping me get around." I said "That's good" and finished up the call.
I ended up beating them home by about 10 minutes. Penelope is the first one in the house and she makes a bee-line to her play room. But the route she takes avoids seeing me. I say "Hey! Aren't you going to come and say 'Hi'?" She says "Hold on a minute!" I said "Hello to you too!" She said "I said HOLD ON A MINUTE! GEEESH!" At this point I'm thinking, something happened in the car and she is all pissed off. No, she comes out with a crutch (that was found at the house) limping on her foot. Even though she walks past me, I can tell there is something really fishy about this bruise. I look harder and it and Penelope can see on my face that I'm super suspicious. Before I can get a word out, she says "I don't want you looking at it. You will want to touch it and it hurts just too badly!" I said "I promise not to touch it, I just want to see it." She says, "No! It's fine. You don't need to see it." I decided I'm not going to engage in a battle about this with her. I will go along and she will have to deal with the consequences of her decision of faking a bruised ankle or her ankle will get lots of care and she will get all better. I know it's not bruised, but maybe she did fall and she is just playing it up. Who knows.
I told Penelope "Gosh, you must have really hurt your ankle. You need to go to your room and get that foot elevated by laying in bed. Yeah. You need to stay in bed all day tomorrow to get that to heal properly." She likes this idea and while starting to walk upstairs she says "Oh, okay.. what about breakfast?" I said "Oh, you will have to eat breakfast in bed." Her eyes get big "Eggs and Geotta?" Oh no no, not in bed, it will be something simple like cereal or toast." Her face dropped "Oh." But you can see her think "But that's okay. I still get fed breakfast in bed." She said "What about when I have to go to the bathroom?" I said "Maybe Grandma or Papaw have a bedpan. I don't know..." She said "What's a bedpan?" I said "It's what they have in hospitals for their patients that can't make it to the bathroom. But I don't think we have one." She said "Maybe we can make one." I said "I think you'll be able to manage to get to the bathroom okay." She is upstairs by this point (all by herself) and asks for a glass of juice. "I'll bring it up in a minute" I say.
I tell my dad who is sitting there that Penelope's bruise is fake - that it looks drawn on with a marker or something. He says "Reeeallly.. Well, that would explain why it hasn't swelled up." You think? I'm kinda confused why they didn't notice something wrong with her bruise. Anyway, I told him how we have to handle this little con game she is playing. That she has to stay in bed the rest of the day and allllllll day tomorrow. She may be all about that idea right now, but she is forgetting the last time we went through this, about 2 years ago how absolutely bored she got. I told him she will miraculously improve and want to not have to lay there anymore. But you can't let her get up. And it's not a punishment. You are so happy she is feeling so much better etc etc but just to make sure/just in case etc etc. But this bruise thing. I do want to call her out on it. He suggested putting a cold compress (cold wet washcloth) on it which will wipe off the marking. Great idea. Around this time Penelope yells "Mommy! My foot went numb! I can't feel it!" "Okay, I'm coming!" "And I have to go to the bathroom but I can't move it!" "Okay, I will help you!" So I go up there and stand there while she gets herself up very carefully and uses this crutch she found to help herself to the bathroom. When she goes in there, I go to the another bathroom and start making that cold compress. I said "I have just the thing to make that feel better." She said "Wait, what is it?" "A cold compress" "What's that?" "A washcloth with cold water." "Oh no. Water is too heavy on my ankle. It hurts. No wetness." "What about ice?" She said "Ice is good. Can I have ice?" "Sure."
I go downstairs to get the ice and see Papaw. "Hey Papaw, wetness hurts..." He just chuckles and shakes his head. I get the ice and I make the bag all wet. I show my dad and he knows what I'm up to. So I go upstairs to put the ice on her "bruise." When I walk in the room, it was extremely obvious she darkened the "bruise" alot. It was completely black. A 5 in. diameter perfectly round, perfectly black with crisp edges "bruise." A big black dot on her ankle. I said "Holy cow! It's gotten worse!" She said "Yeah.. I hit it on the crutch on the way back from the bathroom to the bed (a total of 5 steps) and it hurt sooooo bad!" I said "Let me put this ice on it and it will feel better." I put the ice on it and the bag makes her ankle wet. I said "Oh! It's getting wet! Let me wipe it off." And I have the wet washcloth in my other hand and start wiping it clean. The black came off with it. I just look at her like "What is this?" She just looks at me with big eyes. I said "It appears the bruise was drawn on." She is embarassed and angry and starts to cry. "You don't believe that I hurt it!" We had a conversation about that. That I never said that I didn't believe that she didn't hurt it but there was no need to fake a bruise. That I love her and am here to take care of her. She admitted she did it for the attention but kept saying "I did hurt it! Really bad!" She tried to say that it did bruise really badly but then it went away and she wanted it to stay bad so that's why she drew it on. I said that I know that isn't true and kept saying that she doesn't need to fake a bruise to get attention. She kept going on about how it happened and even that she was in "so much pain that she wishes she could just cut her foot off!" I said "Penelope, do we need to go to the hospital??" She put her hands on her hips and gave me the don't-be-ridiculous stare and said "Mom. You are broke and haven't sold anything and I don't want you spending any money." I had to really squash my need to laugh on that one. I actually have a decent check coming next Friday but anyway. I said "Penelope. You are more important than that and if you need to go to the hospital and I have a bill to pay, then so be it. So, do you need to go to the hospital?" She said dramatically, with a sigh"No.... I just sprained my ankle really bad." I never once questioned the fall or that she hurt her ankle. Now if there was any doubt, I now know that it didn't happen because of her insistence it did. I said "That's why you are going to stay here with your feet up the rest of today and all of tomorrow. You will have your DS and your drawing stuff, and you can watch cartoons on TV. She said "Okay.."
I had coached my parents on what I expected Friday to be like and how to handle it. With love and caring and concern but do not let her up from her bed. "That's great you are feeling better but ..."
I called around 1pm from work to check in with my Dad. He said she tried to come downstairs to get toys from her playroom but he says, toys stay in the playroom and that she has things to do in her room and got her back in bed with no major problem. I said "Her boredom has kicked in."
I got a call from my Mom around 4:30 sounding exasperated. She said "Penelope is bored and doesn't want to stay in her bedroom anymore." I started to say "That's the point..." But I could hear Penelope in the background and someone was at the door dropping off something for my Dad. Penelope was there, which meant she was out of her room. My mom was yelling at her to go away and oh yeah, get back upstairs. I try to get my mom's attention because that's not how you are suppose to handle her and she is going to make this thing backfire. She can't hear me. Then my phone starts to beep because my boss upstairs is trying to call me. Then he calls my cubicle neighbor who tells me that they are having a quick meeting to tell us something and to go upstairs. Great. The next thing I know she has handed the phone to Penelope who says "Mommy, I don't want to stay in bed anymore. My ankle feels all better. But Grandma won't let me out of my bedroom. But my ankle isn't red any more and I took a hot bath and it made it feel all better. It doesn't hurt one bit." Now, I can't just blow her off because my boss wants me upstairs so I said "That is so wonderful that your ankle feels so much better so quickly. But I really want to make sure it's completely healed. The last thing I want is for it to get re-injured because it's still weak or hurt. I want it completely healed...." She is going "but.. but..." on the other end. I said "I'm glad the bath made it feel so much better but let's wait until I get home so I can look at it. I have to go now because I have to go to this meeting but I'll call you when I'm on my way home." She is crying at this point "But I am so bored! And it will be hours before you get home!" I said "I know sweety and I hate that you ankle is hurt causing you to be bored. And I will be leaving shortly, then I have to stop at the grocery store, so I should be home in about 1 1/2 hours. I know you can make it." She reluctantly said okay and we ended the call.
Now, the day did backfire a little bit but I do think that she won't fake her injury again, or at least in her memory of this past Friday. But the evening was very difficult. Penelope and Grandma had been at it - again. When I got home I was putting away the groceries for dinner when Penelope asked if I was home yet. Grandma said "Yes, she is in the kitchen cleaning up." This pissed her off because I didn't come straight to her to check on her. I sighed and went upstairs to check on her. She had wedged herself behind a piece of furniture and was pouting. She was all pissed off that I made her stay in bed all day. We discussed the why but that she already knew that. The true reason behind her anger was Grandma. Grandma didn't do that caring loving thing that she was coached on. She did the "Get back to bed!" thing that I heard on the phone. So, as I discovered all her artwork from the day, you can see the pregression from the "I feel loved because I'm being taken care of" pictures to the "I'm bored" pictures then there were the hate letters to me for not letting her get out of her bed, In the past, there wasn't the hate - just the frustration. Not to pin EVERYTHING on Grandma, but I believe that if she didn't yell at Penelope and do it the way she was told, Penelope wouldn't have gotten so angry (not necessarily happy but not scared/untrusting/rage that was the result of Grandma's approach) she would have turned her anger towards me and write her letters. The worst of it was there were self-hating statements in there to. Wanting to hurt herself but her brain won't let her because she knows there is love out there - somewhere.
I got her to not be mad at me anymore but her anger was definitly there and bubbling the rest of the night. Backtalking, stomping of the feet, the huffs, rolling of the eyes, impatience, "Don't touch me," "You are all being to loud," kind of thing. She told me to "Shut up!" at one point and my mom loudly gasped and was ready to rip into her. I put up my hand and handled it the right way. Penelope shortly later backtalked Grandma and my mom made a "tst" noise. Penelope said "Don't treat me like a dog. I'm NOT your dog." She said she meant to "shh" her but it came out "tst." See, my mom watches a LOT of Dog Wisperer. She DVRs it and watches it for hours. She tells myself and my twin brother how the principals on the show can be applied to our kids. (Crazy) But part of what he does when he becomes the alpha dog to his new patient, he "tst"s them to make them stop a bad behavior.
As you can see, I believe my mom is part of our problem on the home front. Last week I came home one night around 9pm after one of our twice a week call nights at work. Penelope hadn't been fed dinner or her meds and was bouncing off the walls. I made her dinner and got her pills in her and learned that Penelope and Grandma had been at it throughout the day. She was so upset with Grandma. Grandma didn't lift one finger to do anything with her. She spent the entire day in front of the TV if not on her phone. She was still in her PJs. So was Penelope in fact. The reason they hadn't ate was because my mother grazed all day and wasn't hungry herself. Penelope was so pissed at Grandma, she didn't want anything from her. Now Penelope, taking advantage of her "freedom" had made all kinds of messes throughout the house. We talked about Grandma and we talked about what she did all day and how things will be changing (one way or another). She had calmed down and was in better spirits. We planned to read together before bed and we were going to have some one on one time so she was happy. But before that she had to clean up a small mess (one of the many) she had made so the cats don't chew on her stuff. She was agreeable to that, but then she forgot a little later and started heading up to bed. I reminded her nicely. I kept everything "no big deal" but she was getting frustrated with having to do it. She didn't want to be near Grandma who was in the room and she decided to bolt up the steps and try to lock herself in the bathroom. I caught the knob before she locked it and held it. She was screaming through the door to go away and she never wanted to speak to me again. I tried to get her to let me in but she said "Just leave me alone! Give me some space! No one respects my boundaries!" I told her that I will give her space when I feel she is safe, but she isn't safe right now. She said she was and I told her it was up to me if she was safe or not and I don't feel she is safe. Then she started talking about how she wanted to kill herself but can't because her brain won't let her. At that point I decided I was pushing my way in. I did that and she cowarded in the corner and was crying and told me not touch her. I slowly caressed her hair which she cowarded from a little, then I held her hand which she let me and I kissed the top of her hand and held it in mine. Then she turned and let me hug her and she cryed and let go and callapsed to the floor hugging my legs. I told her it was going to be all right. She told me my legs were hairy and we both laughed.
But this stuff is draining. I think I've become good at handling it, but boy, it is a total emotional and physical drain! Grandma has got to get on the same page. If I could take Penelope away from there, I would, but my house is for sale/in foreclosure and I don't have any money or steady income. I am still trying to figure that end out but in the job I have, with all this.. there just is no way.
The other thing I wanted to write about is how her therapy is going. A lot of Penelope's regression and need to feel safer is that she has been disclosing more of her abuse story, specifically the sexual abuse. That is positive. But she is disclosing it to the attachment therapist, not the truamat therapist. Which is totally understable. She knows the AT much longer, plus we are still in the preliminary information gathering, getting to know you stages on the truama therapist. It probably helped Penelope open up knowing that it is coming on the truama therapist side. However, the to different groups of therapists need to coordinate so they both know what eachother is doing and what is being disclosed. I don't even really know because I'm not going to attachment therapy anymore and my Dad isn't a details kind of guy - as I've said before.
I did go over the questionnaires/paperwork that the truama therapist gave us for homework. It's actually upsetting to read it because it's all there - the dissociative. It would explain alot. But it also scares me. I don't think she has multiple personalities but I wouldn't be shocked. I just don't see her having distinct personalities. But she certainly has memory loss and confusion about where she is at or what she has done on things. Spacking out. Flashbacks. personality changes. I always thought it was the PTSD/ADHD lack of focus. It's more than that. Much more. Will have to see how Penelope does on the questionnaires. If anything all this stuff is very informative. It just makes me have a lot of questions and concerns. Mostly about where we go from here.
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